Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[The Count]

Yeah... What she said, more please!

Need fanfic... Starving for fanfic...
*Looks in the cupboard where Ruahnna's quadrology is keeping Lisa's trilogy company.
Well, at least we got a good serving of Irish stew this weekend.
*Pats copy of Wearing O' The Green.
Go read it you ushgushers.

But if you want me to hold this new trilogy in the same esteem... Well, Prawny, post more please!

 

[theprawncracker]

Hey, it's coming. I've got a lot of stuff to do, but I'm writing, just for you ravenous readers.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 3

"So tell me about your Aunt Marge, Kermit," Scooter said as he, Kermit, and Fozzie waited at the train station.

Kermit chuckled. "Well, Maggie’s named after her," he said. "And let’s just say it’s not the name that’s similar between Maggie and Marge."

"How do you mean?" Scooter asked.

"Know how Maggie resented Piggy when they first met?" Kermit asked.

Scooter nodded. "How could I forget?"

"Aunt Marge is worse," Kermit said blankly.

"She resents everyone who isn’t a frog!" Fozzie said. "She thinks that if you aren’t a frog, you aren’t right."

"So imagine what happened when I told her about Miss Piggy," Kermit said.

"Is that why you couldn’t go to the swamp for all those years after ‘76?" Scooter asked.

"More or less," Kermit said. "Everywhere I went, Piggy went. Which wouldn’t have boded well for Aunt Marge, or Piggy."

"Trust me," Fozzie said. "Aunt Marge is one tough customer. First thing she asks you- if you’re not a frog, that is- is ‘what are you supposed to be’."

Scooter looked himself up and down. "Boss, what am I supposed to be?"

Kermit shrugged. "Just be yourself."

"That’s the problem, what is myself?" Scooter asked.

"Aren’t you a go-fer?" Fozzie asked.

"Yeah, go-fer coffee, go-fer sandwiches," Scooter said. "But I don’t go-fer tunnels."

"Right," Fozzie said. "You dig them."

"I don’t like tunnels that much," Scooter said.

"Enough with the puns already!" Kermit shouted. "Aunt Marge is here."

"Ah!" Fozzie shouted, ducking behind the bench. "Hide me!"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "She’s on the train, Fozzie."

"Oh." Fozzie followed Kermit and Scooter to the unloading platform of the train where passengers began to depart. Finally, from the train emerged a wrinkly puce frog with bags under her piercing eyes, next to her walked a usually chipper little five year old dark green frog.

Kermit cleared his throat. Here we go, he thought to himself. "Aunt Marge!" he shouted, throwing his arms in the air.

Aunt Marge glared over at Scooter and Fozzie. "What are you supposed to be?" she asked with an annoyingly elder voice. Fozzie and Scooter each took a step back, not answering the frog. "Kermie," Aunt Marge said to her nephew. "Send these things for our bags."

Fozzie and Scooter looked at each other. "Kermie?" they both asked.

"What’s a’matter?" Aunt Marge snapped at them. "Ain’t ya ever heard a pet name before?"

Kermit looked pleadingly at his friends. They both sighed and walked towards the luggage cart.

Aunt Marge smiled, and hugged Kermit. "Good to see you, Kermie."

"You too, Aunt Marge," Kermit said. He looked down at Robin who yawned and rubbed his eye. Kermit bent down to his nephew’s height and smiled at him. "Welcome home, Robin."

The young frog yawned again. "Thanks, Uncle Kermit."

Kermit frowned. "Uh, Aunt Marge," Kermit said, looking up at the wrinkled old frog, glaring at all that passed. "I think Fozzie’s mishandling your undergarment suitcase."

Aunt Marge gasped and cracked her knuckles. "I’m gonna skin me a bear rug!" She ran off, shouting at Fozzie. Fozzie screamed and ran off in the other direction.

Kermit turned back to Robin. "I owe Fozzie one."

"Or seven," Robin said drowsily.

Kermit smiled. "Why are you so tired?"

"I was going to sleep on the train ride home," Robin said. "But Aunt Marge just kept talking."

Kermit nodded. "I’m sure she did." Kermit picked his nephew up in his arms. "How ‘bout a froggy-back ride back to the car?"

Robin climbed onto his uncle’s back. He glanced over his shoulder. "I don’t think so, Uncle Kermit," he said.

"Why not?" Kermit asked.

"Because you and Scooter are going to have to carry Fozzie back to the car after Aunt Marge finishes beating him with her purse." Robin pointed to where Fozzie was being pummeled with an old frog’s purse, and passers-by did just that, passed by.

Kermit frowned. "Aunt Marge didn’t happen to say how long she was staying on the train ride home, did she, Robin?"

<~><~><~><~><~>

Skeeter punched the bedroom wall. "How could they say that?"

"Brawk bawk," Camilla clucked, filing the claws on her feet.

"Oh, fer sure," Janice said while she coated her nails in a ruby-red nail polish. "I mean, like, it totally was Clifford’s fault."

Skeeter put her hands on her hips. "Ladies, let’s not point finely filed fingers," she said.

"Brawk!"

"Or talons," Skeeter recovered. "Now, what’s our plan of action?"

"Like, make love not, war," Janice said.

"Brawk!" Camilla clucked loudly. "Bragawk byuck brawk!"

Skeeter nodded. "She’s right, we’ve made too much love already!"

"Oh, like, not me, okay," Janice said. "I’m like, totally remaining abstinent. Rully."

"Byuck buck bawk!" Camilla argued. "Brawk bragawk byuck!"

"I think pecking their eyes out might be a little much, Camilla," Skeeter said hastily.

"Rully," Janice said, moving onto the other hand’s fingers. "And, like, Gonzo would totally enjoy that way too much."

"What we need is something vengeful and tactful!" Skeeter said, slamming her fist against her palm.

"Brawk bawk," Camilla muttered.

Skeeter smirked. "How is that tactful?"

"Brawk," Camilla clucked.

"Like a three-point plan doesn’t automatically make something tactful," Janice said.

Camilla shrugged. "Well," Skeeter said. "Piggy isn’t here in tears, is she? She’s obviously got some sort of brilliant plan going."

"Or she’s dating Link to like, totally make Kermit like, rully jealous," Janice said.

"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?" Skeeter asked.

"They’re like, totally right outside," Janice said, pointing out the bedroom window.

The girls peered out the window and looked down at Piggy and Link who were getting out of a taxi. Link attempted to wrap his arm around Piggy’s shoulder, but Piggy quickly administered an elbow to his chest.

"So she’s fake dating Link!" Skeeter said.

"Bragawk!" Camilla declared.

"Fer sure! That’s like, exactly what we’ve got to do!" Janice said.

"Find fake boyfriends!" Skeeter said triumphantly.

"Brawk, bagawk?" Camilla asked.

"Like, rully, where are we gonna find fake boyfriends?" Janice asked.

"We’re three of about four women in this house!" Skeeter said. "How hard can it be?"

 

[TogetherAgain]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Yeah, Skeeter, how hard CAN it be? OY, this is gonna be AWESOME!

<is, by the way, proud of Janice>

LOVE how they figured Piggy out...

And I feel SO bad for Fozzie! Oy! Oyyyyy, this is gonna be a very LONG... However long Aunt Marge sticks around... for anyone who isn't female! ...And I'm sure, for many who ARE female... Anyway, this story is gonna be GREAT! No- FANTASTICABULOUS! Oh, I can't wait!

MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

Hee hee... Like, rully liked the parts with Janice and Scooter.

Scooter: What am I supposed to be?
Kermit: Just be yourself.
Fozzie: Aren't you supposed to be a go-fer?
Scooter: Yeah... Go-fer coffee, go-fer sandwiches. But I don't go-fer tunnels.
Fozzie: Right, you dig them.
Scooter: I don't like tunnels that much.

Comedy gold!
Prawny, please post more!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Hee hee hee! This story is hilarious! Somehow I missed chapter two, but I just read both it and chapter three. I love how the other girls are going to find fake boyfriends and I'm anxious to see who they come up with! Too funny! And Kermit's Aunt Marge is something else, looking forward to seeing what her visit stirs up. Great stuff Prawnie, give us some more!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Why yes, this is great! And I love the way you're concintrating on other couples just as much, if not more, than Kermit and Piggy. Yes, poor Fozzie, and poor little tired Robin!
And yes, all the men are guilty, but I do think Clifford was the main instigator of it!

More please!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Wow! I read this and suddenly I see how in-character each character is! You've captured the humor that makes them--well them! You've added most of the muppets in one story without making it all confusing! Well er...I am highly guilty of those things which is precisley why I comment with utter praise. :3 Continue!

yeyyy! X3

 

[theprawncracker]

Oh! Thanks for the praise! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Expect more later tonight!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 4

Breakfast was shockingly quiet the next morning, with everyone out of their usual seats due to the recent relationship conflicts. That, and Aunt Marge was sitting at the head of the table, and no one wanted to be next to her. Leaving Kermit and Robin to deal with her.

Kermit cleared his throat quietly. "So, uh, Aunt Marge, how’s the swamp?" Kermit asked meekly.

"Lovely," Aunt Marge said bitterly. "And free of weirdos, but full of frogs. As it should be." She shot a glare down the entire length of the table.

Kermit frowned. "Well, uh, our show is going well. I think you’ll really enjoy the one this week."

"Yeah," Aunt Marge said, not really paying attention. "Where’s that hunk of ham who thinks you’re all that, Kermie?"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Miss Piggy is still upstairs."

"I’ll never know why you ever liked that swine," Aunt Marge said. "Frogs should be courtin’ good, upstandin’ frogs! Not barnyard livestock! Your sister Margaret for instance, she’s got a nice, young frog on her arm, and what do you got? A pig!"

Floyd, Clifford, Rizzo, and Pepe laughed. Kermit sighed. "Maggie must’ve gotten your taste in men along with your name, Aunt Marge," he said.

"And your temper," Fozzie whispered.

"What’s that?" Aunt Marge asked, loudly.

"Uh, more tea, dear Aunt Marge?" Kermit asked innocently.

Aunt Marge smiled at her nephew. "Yes, I’d love some."

"Well, Aunt Marge," Kermit said. "You don’t have much to worry about right now, because Miss Piggy and I aren’t really on the best of terms."

Aunt Marge grinned. "Well congratulations, Kermie," she said. "Ya finally came to your senses."

Kermit sighed. Fozzie put his hand on Kermit’s back. "What’s wrong with you?" Aunt Marge asked. "Don’t tell me ya still got feeling for that pig!"

Robin sat up straight. "Um, Aunt Marge, would you like to go to the park with me today?"

Aunt Marge distractedly turned to Robin. "Why, sure Robin, I’d love to."

Kermit looked up at Robin, who shrugged with a smirk on his face. Kermit smiled and silently thanked his nephew.

"So, uh, where’s the-" Rizzo started to ask.

"Hey! Don’t talk while I’m talkin’, vermin!" Aunt Marge snapped at him.
"But you weren’t-"

"I am now, ain’t I?" Aunt Marge asked forcefully.

"Well, yeah, but-"

"But nothin’! Time for you to learn some manners, sonny!" Aunt Marge shouted. "Honestly, Kermie, how do you live with these things?"

Kermit shrugged. "I guess I just-"

"No matter," Aunt Marge said. "C’mon, Robin, let’s go get ready to go to the park."

"Oh," Robin said sadly. "Uh, well, okay."

Kermit turned to Rowlf and looked pleadingly at the dog. "Alright, alright, don’t beg," Rowlf said to him. "Uh, Aunt Marge, mind if I tag along?" Rowlf asked.

Aunt Marge squinted her eyes at the dog, looking him up and down. "Alright, I guess your about as normal as they come. Just don’t shed on me!"

"I’ll try my best," Rowlf said. Aunt Marge, Robin, and Rowlf left the kitchen, heading upstairs to get ready for the park.

"Cheese and crackers, Kermit!" Rizzo shouted. "What a nutcase of an aunt you got!"

"And I thought Statler and Waldorf were bad!" Fozzie remarked.

"We are bad!" Statler shouted from a recliner in the living room.

"The old frog is just louder!" Waldorf added.

"Do ho ho ho!"

"I just feel bad for Robin," Fozzie said.

"Yeah, poor little green stuff is stuck with old wrinkly green mush!" Floyd said.

Janice stirred around her wheat grass cereal. "Like, not cool," she muttered.
Floyd blinked and sighed. Kermit tilted his head and turned to Fozzie. Fozzie nodded.

"Good grief," Kermit said. "It’s everyone."

Fozzie shrugged. "Makes the plot thicker."

"My line, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Well," Kermit said, getting out of his chair. "I’m heading off to the theater early today. I’ve got some papers to-"

Kermit was cut off by a fanfare of trumpets. "What the hey?" Kermit asked.

Bean Bunny entered the dining room, blowing on a trumpet. Miss Piggy burst into the dining room, wearing a lavish pink dress, with flowers adorning her entire body. "Good morning little people! Moi has arrived!"

Everyone sitting around the dinner table stared. Piggy muttered something under her breath and knocked the trumpet - and Bean - out the window.

"Morning, Piggy," Kermit said.

She walked right past Kermit. It was the first morning since before he could remember that Miss Piggy did not try and steal and early morning kiss.

"Good morning, Kermit," she said, pushing her hair back. "Animal, be a dear, would vous?"

Animal blinked. "Wha’?"

"Leave," she said innocently.

"Finally," Sam said, admiring his distinctly American toast. "A suggestion I can agree with."

"So, Miss Piggy!" Clyde spoke up cheerfully. "What’s on your agenda for today?"

"Well!" Piggy said. "Linky-poo and moi are going shopping!"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Linky-poo?"

"Oh, yes, Kermit," Piggy said. "Pet names are so adorable, are they not?"

Kermit gulped. "Yeah, cute," he said sarcastically.

"Well, we must be going. Have to beat the early morning rush, you know," Miss Piggy said. "Alright, meat! Let’s go!"

"Coming snuckle-puss!" Link called as he ran into the dining room.

"It’s cuddle-cat, moron!" Piggy told him. "I mean, uh, sweety!"

Kermit and Fozzie exchanged glances again. Piggy groaned. "Just come on!" she grabbed Link, and left the Boarding House.

Scooter looked down at Kermit. "That could’ve gone better, huh, boss?"

Kermit smirked. "Gee, what makes you say that, Scooter?"

"May I make a suggestion?" Dr. Bunsen Honeydew asked.

"Mo! Mo!" Beaker pleaded.

"Sure," Kermit said. "I’m open to any suggestions."

"Pay de prawn more of de monies," Pepe interjected.

"Except that one," Kermit said.

"Pay the bear more of the monies?" Fozzie asked.

Kermit frowned. "And that one."

"Well, mister Kermit, if you’d like, you could come down to the lab and I could test the brand-new ‘Muppet Labs P-Harmony’ machine!" Bunsen said.

"P-Harmony?" Johnny Fiama asked. "What kinda quack-pot name is that?"

"Crack-pot," Sal corrected him.

"Sal!" Johnny shouted. "This is no place to bring up those sort of things! Think of the kids, huh?"

Sal shook his head. "I wonder if anyone will get that joke."

"My P-Harmony machine will instantly match you, mister Kermit, to your ideal relationship partner!" Bunsen said giddily.

Kermit looked at Bunsen. "Alright, Bunsen, I’ll give it a try. What could it hurt, right?"

"Hey, think I could go next?" Fozzie asked. Bunsen.

Just one problem, Kermit thought to himself. I already know my ideal girl... it’s Miss Piggy.

"I do not need a perfect mate, hokay?" Pepe said. "Who needs to stick to just one womens?"

"You are a sick, sick little prawn," Rizzo said.

"And not in a good way," Gonzo added.

"Brawk bagawk," Camilla clucked.

Gonzo’s eyelids pulled back. "What do you mean you beg to differ?"

"Brawk," was all Camilla clucked.

Kermit shook his head. "Scooter, let’s go to the theater, please."

Scooter nodded. "Good idea, boss."