Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 19

"Here you are sir or madame, a pamphlet on the many services we offer here at Quintuple H Inudustries- or Q.H.I., as we like to call it."

"Yes, please, take the time to flip through the pages of the brochure- and remember, we’re the official relationship counselors for the Muppets!"

"I thought we cut that part out?"

"Oh, whoops."

"Uh, anwyay," Butch said. "Whadaya think, Kermit?"

Kermit stood with his arms folded, leaning against the ticket booth outside the theater. He looked up at Pops inside the booth, who shook his head and chuckled. Kermit turned back to the new relationship counselors. "Well, guys, it’s... certainly... interesting."

"In a good way or bad?" Clyde asked.

"Shut it, Clyde, the frog’s complimenting us," Butch said.

"Um, as I was saying," Kermit said. "It’s certainly interesting, but do you really think anyone would want to use you two to solve their relationship issues?"

"You did," Clyde said.

"Not the best point you’ve ever made, partner," Butch said.

"It’s the only point I’ve ever made," Clyde said.

"You’re tellin’ me," Butch muttered.

"Gee, Kermit," Pops said. "You sure are hirin’ some weirdos lately, aren’t ya?"

"Lately?" Kermit asked.

"Oh, please, Kermit, please." Butch begged. "Let us plug our program during yours!"

Clyde darted forward and began to kiss Kermit’s flippers. "Oh, yes, I grovel at your feet, Kermit, sir!"

Butch dove for Clyde and hoisted him up off the sidewalk. "Don’t mind this one, Kermit, he’s not at all right in the head."

"He’s right," Clyde said. "I’m more left-brained than I am right."

Pops chuckled again, and shook his head. "Well, Kermit," he said. "At last ticket count, we’re only two tickets short of selling out tomorrow night."

"Hm." Kermit thought. "Okay, Butch, Clyde, I’ll let you market your program tomorrow night before and after the show, if you buy your own tickets to see it."

Butch and Clyde laughed and high-fived. "Deal!" Clyde said. "We’ll make at least three times the price of the tickets tomorrow night!"

"Yeah, it’s fool-proof!" Butch said.

Pops shook his head and handed the last two tickets to Kermit. The frog smirked and passed the tickets on to Butch and Clyde. "Only time will tell, I suppose."

"Oh, uh, Kermit, one more thing," Butch said.

Kermit groaned. "What?"

"Can we get a ride home?" Clyde asked.

"Me too," Pops said, leaving the ticket booth, and locking the door.

Fozzie, Rizzo, Pepe, Sam, Clifford, Rowlf, Scooter, Gonzo, and Floyd came walking out of the theater. Fozzie came up to Kermit, hat in hand. "Um, Kermit? Rizzo, and Pepe, and I, sorta, um, ran away from the Studebaker," he said.

Kermit sighed. "So you need a ride too?" he asked.

"Si," Pepe said. "If it isn’t too much trouble, of course, Kermin. But, jou know, if jou can’t give us a ride, we will be stuck here with de spooky scary man of the t’eater, hokay? I just don’t t’ink my little prawn persona can handle such stress, hokay?"

"And I’m not exactly sure how I got here," Sam said. "May I have a ride anyway?"

Kermit sighed, and turned to Clifford. "What about you guys?"

"Nope," Clifford said, twirling his car keys around his purple finger. "We drove here."

"Well, we didn’t drive here," Floyd said. "Aunt Marge sorta gave us a push."

"And then another push, right down the theater aisle," Gonzo said.

"Sheesh, just get in the car." Kermit opened the door of his green S.U.V., and started the engine.

<~><~><~><~><~>

The tip of Aunt Marge’s face met Link’s nostrils as both of their eyes flared and glared. "What do you mean my fault?" Aunt Marge hissed at the pig.

"I mean, it’s your fault, of course!" Link said.

Aunt Marge pulled her face away. "Geez, you’re dumber than the girl pig!"

"That’s the problem!" Link said.

"Miss Piggy being dumb is the problem?" Robin asked.

"Yes!" Link said.

"I know someone who’s having pork chops for dinner," Skeeter mumbled.

"She’s too dumb to see how much Kermit still needs her!" Link said.

"Like, and you noticed it?" Janice asked.

"Of course," Link said.

"Man, I guess she is dumb," Skeeter said.

"Who’s dumb?"

They all turned around and stared at Miss Piggy, who was staring at them.

"Ah, um," Skeeter stuttered. "Aunt-" Skeeter glanced at Aunt Marge, and stuttered some more. "Er, Aunt Jemimah!"

"The woman... on the syrup bottle?" Piggy asked.

"Yeah!" Skeeter said. "I mean... she... well... she says on her bottle that she’s both thick and rich! Who wants to go around saying they’re either dumb, or fat! Who cares if they’re rich?"

Miss Piggy shrugged. "It worked for Paris Hilton."

"Everything works for Paris Hilton," Skeeter said.

"Yeah, and, like, everyone," Janice said.

"Who?" Aunt Marge asked.

"Oh, you’re here?" Piggy growled at Aunt Marge.

"Yes, I am," Aunt Marge said. "Got a problem with it, porky?"

"What did you call me?" Piggy snarled.

"Oh, I didn’t call you anything," Aunt Marge said. "Just pointing out a physical feature."

Piggy’s jaw dropped. "Brawk bawk bawk," Camilla clucked quietly.

Skeeter nodded. "Dead frog walking is right."

"You see?" Link asked. "This woman causes all of Piggy’s blind rage."

"HI-YA!" Piggy karate chopped Link. "If you’ll excuse moi," Piggy said politely to Aunt Marge. "I must take this bothersome pest home." She grabbed Link by his boot and dragged him along the ground as she walked away.

"Gotta get in good with the in-laws," Piggy muttered. "Er, well... not the in-laws anymore... I guess..."

"Maybe if you tried to be a little nicer," Link said from the ground he was being dragged upon.

"Ah, shut up," Piggy told him.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Johnny Fiama sunk down lower in the sofa and flipped through the television channels. "Man, Sal, I tell ya, I just feel so low," he sighed.

"Well maybe if ya didn’t slouch so much," Sal said from his spot on the couch next to Johnny.

Johnny straightened himself up. "No, no, it’s not that... it’s just... I feel like I let Skeeter down, ya know?"

"Johnny," Sal said. "You do realize she was just dating you to get back at Clifford, don’t ya?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Johnny said. "I just don’t feel like I’m doin’ a very good job of it."

"Well there isn’t much to work with," Waldorf said from the left armchair next to the couch.

"Mmhm." Statler nodded. "There never has been, that’s why the shows are so bad."

"Ya know," Bobo said, rolling over to look at the two old codgers on his beanbag. "I’ve always wondered... why do you two live here if you hate us so much?"

"Oh, that’s easy," Statler said.

"Yeah, the old-folks home wouldn’t let us stay," Waldorf said.

"Yup," Statler agreed. "No one takes a heckling better than you guys."

"How do ya mean?" Sal asked.

"Watch," Statler said. "Hey, bunny!" Statler called to Bean. "I’ve seen bunions cuter than you!"

"Aw," Bean said. "How nice of you guys to think of me when you see your bunions."

"Ya see?" Statler asked.

"Huh," Bobo said, scratching his arm.

"Most people would’ve called someone about us by now," Waldorf said.

"Yeah, but who would they call?" Statler asked.

"The exterminator," Waldorf said.

"Why would they call the exterminator?" Statler asked.

"Because the exterminator gets rid of pests!" Waldorf said.

"Do ho ho ho!" They both laughed.

"But they can’t call the exterminator," Statler said. "The rats have the phone bugged."

"Rats, bugs, and us?" Waldorf asked. "They really do need an exterminator!"

"Oogh!" The Swedish Chef shouted, barging in. "Ya huber de secret sooflee recipee!"

"Dinner already?" Statler asked.

"Don’t forget to take your pill," Waldorf said.

"Why would I pay the bill?" Statler asked. "I live here!"

"D’oh, you’re hearing aid’s busted again!" Waldorf shouted.

"No it’s not," Statler said. "I just have selective hearing."

"You old coot!" Waldorf said.

"You flatter me," Statler said, getting up to go to the dinner table.

"Someone has to," Waldorf said, following Statler into the kitchen.

Johnny and Sal exchanged glances. "Sal?" Johnny said.

"Yeah, Johnny?" Sal asked.

"If I ever get like that, please kill me."

"You got it, Johnny."

 

[redBoobergurl]

He he, more good stuff. I loved the interaction between Piggy and Aunt Marge, it was quite funny. And Link...how has she put up with him this long? Must read more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Beth, I must commend you for beating Lisa to the posting punch. Here, a muffin por vous.

 

[TogetherAgain]

First and foremost: DRAGGING! IN-LAWS! NICER! DUMB! AUNT JEMIMAH! PARIS HILTON! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MISS PIGGY! <Ahem> There, now that that's done...

You ran away from the Studebaker, eh Fozzie? LOVE THAT. Laughed so hard I hurt my throat. And, Pepe funny! Everyone asking for a ride... He should've just told them he came on his bicycle.

The booth! And the tickets! TICKETS! Oy it makes me happiful. Right brain left brain! And so forth. That's a lovely scene.

And last but not least but certainly oldest, Statler and Waldorf. You know what REALLY made that scene just GOLDEN? (Love Johnny's thoughts at the beginning, by the way.) The lines at the end. You know why? One, it reminds me of my parents talking about my grandparents. Two, I can SO see Sal trying to go through with it, and Johnny backing out, and...

MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

Thank you wittle prawny foo-foo for the cute wittle chapter.

Shame I didn't read this first... Good stuff with the hecklers. Great stuff with Butch and Clyde, wondered where they were. Post more!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Well my thoughts of the story were already expressed in that wonderful review TogetherAgain did.

Keep on goin'!

XD I laugh all the time at your stories...seriously.

EDIT: not in the mean way

 

[theprawncracker]

EDIT: not in the mean way

I don't know why... but that cracked me up.

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Omg, I DID A FUNNY! X3

Fozzie: *headpalm*

...*Gets off the stage* :3

update update!

 

[The Count]

Hey! Cap'n Prawny... Post some more story before you end up on the menu. Yes, before we breakout the cocktail sauce and see if you have any flavor.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 20

Boomerang fish were flung. Explosions exploded. Cannons crashed. Muppaphones moaned. Monsters marched. Mayhem was the medium.

This is what we call "The Muppet Show."

"Ready, Robin?" Kermit asked his nephew from his desk backstage.

Robin’s smile brimmed. "Ready, Uncle Kermit."

"Oh g-"

"Boss! Boss!" Scooter came shouting. "Fifteen seconds to curtain, boss!"

Kermit shook his head. "Some things never change.

<~><~><~><~><~>

The theme song went off without a hitch (and not just because the hitch used to restrain Animal was nowhere to be found).

Kermit took center stage to roaring applause from the night’s audience. "Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to ‘The Muppet Show.’ We’ve got a really fantastic show for you tonight, one full of surprises!"

"Oh, surprises!" Waldorf said.

"Yeah, maybe the show’ll actually be good!" Statler added.

"Now that would be a surprise!"

"Do ho ho ho!"

Kermit ignored the heckling. "Ladies and gentlemen, the theme for tonight’s show will be love, and celebrating the theme, we’ll be giving our renditions of some of the greatest love stories of all time," Kermit said. "For our first act we present our rendition of that timeless classic, ‘Beauty and the Beast.’" Kermit followed the curtains as they were drawn offstage.

The spotlight opened on Fozzie and Pepe center stage, a castle backdrop behind them. Pepe had a large pocket watch dangling from his neck, and Fozzie had a fake candle sticking out of his hat, and held two others in his hands.

"Um, Lumierre," Pepe said to Fozzie. "Do jou ever t’ink a beautiful woman will come and fall in love with our master-" Pepe turned and faced the audience. "De Beast?"

"I dunno, Cogsworth," Fozzie said to Pepe. "But if a girl doesn’t show up, I can always entertain us with some candleshtick! Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"

"I don’t get it," Pepe said.

A doorbell rang out across the stage. Fozzie and Pepe looked all around. "Oh boy," Pepe said. "It could be a beautiful girl, hokay?"

"Ah, yeah!" Fozzie said. "What’re we gonna do?"

The doorbell rang again. "Um," Pepe said. "Answer de door?"

"Ahh!" Fozzie pointed at Pepe. "Brilliant!"

"Si, but we cannot let her see us, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Why not?" Fozzie asked.

"Because," Pepe said, pushing his hair back. "She will probably fall in love with me and my gorgeous self, hokay? And not de Beast."

"Oh," Fozzie said.

They walked over to stage right and pulled open a door built for the scene, and hid behind it as it opened.

The spotlight moved on to Miss Piggy, who walked through the door to roaring applause. "Oh, thank vous, and vous, oh, and vous over there, yes. Moi am gorgeous, no?" she said. "I suppose that is why they call moi... Beauty."

"I thought they called her Belle?" Fozzie asked.

"Who cares?" Pepe said. "She’s too busy hamming it up, hokay?"

"Hark!" Piggy called. "Who is there? Who is it that I must kill for that comment?"

Fozzie closed the door and he and Pepe walked up behind Piggy and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hello," Fozzie said.

Piggy screamed in fright. "HI-YA!" she karate chopped, missing the two of them.

"Si, nice to see jou too, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Yeah, it is!" Fozzie said. "You can break the spell by falling in love with our master!"

"You can’t talk!" Piggy said. "You’re a candlestick and a clock!"

"Wait till jou see Mrs. Potts, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Wha?" Piggy asked.

"Shloody bloo de horn de floo!" The Swedish Chef shouted, running in from stage left wearing a teapot costume, complete with handle and spout.

"Mrs. Potts!" Fozzie called.

"Ya, ya!" The Chef said. "Burd fur de hoopla de beasty!"

"D’at is not good, hokay?" Pepe said.

"What?" Piggy asked. "What isn’t good?"

"The master," Fozzie said. "He’s coming!"

"Huh?" Piggy asked.

"Too late!" Fozzie shouted.

Animal came running across the stage. "Woman! Woman!" he shouted. "Ah! Belle!" he said once he reached Miss Piggy.

"Yucha," Piggy grimaced. "I’m supposed to fall in love with this?"

"La, la, la!" Animal chanted. "Beauty and Beast! Ha, ha, ha!"

"Quick, quick," Pepe said. "Play some romantical music, hokay?"

"Don’t even think about it, wristwatch!" Piggy growled.

"I am a desk clock, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Belle! Belle!" Animal chanted.

"HI-YA!" Piggy karate chopped Animal, knocking him over. "I am out of here!" she said, stomping offstage.

Pepe turned to face the audience. "And d’ey all lived happily ever after, hokay?" he said.

The curtains closed and the audience applauded.

"You know what the moral of that story was?" Waldorf asked.

"Don’t judge a book by its cover?" Statler asked.

"No," Waldorf said. "That this show is the real beast!"

"Do ho ho ho!"

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Great job, great job," Kermit said to Fozzie, Pepe, The Swedish Chef, Animal, and Miss Piggy as they came backstage. "Great number guys."

"Yeah, real nice," Rizzo said, munching on a sandwich and peering at the work on Kermit’s desk.

"Mm," Piggy said. "What did vous think, Linky?" she asked Link.

"Uh..." Link pondered. "A... beastly performance."

"Ah!" Fozzie said. "That’s funny!"

"Yeah, hilarious!" Piggy growled at Link.

Kermit shook his head. "Next act, on stage, ‘When Harry Met Sal,’ on stage!" Kermit called.

Crazy Harry and Sal walked behind Kermit as he wrote something down on his desk.

"Kermit!" Skeeter shouted, making the frog jump.

"Yeesh," Kermit said. "You’re lucky frogs are supposed to jump like that."

"Have you seen Clifford?" Skeeter asked.

"Um, no," Kermit lied. "Have you, Rizzo?"

"No," Rizzo said. "Haven’t seen ‘im all night. Why do ya wanna know, anyway?" Rizzo asked.

Skeeter muttered something. "Oh, uh, nothing. What about Gonzo or Floyd?"

"Haven’t seen them either," Kermit lied again.

"Nope," Rizzo said.

Skeeter grumbled. "Thanks," she said, walking off.

"Rizzo," Kermit said to the rat.

"Yeah?" Rizzo said.

"Go down to the storage closet and tell Clifford and the others to be ready when I call," Kermit said.

"Gotcha," Rizzo said, heading off towards the storage closet.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Marge..."

"Sam..."

"Oh, Marge, I’ve never experienced such... such emotions."

"Oh, Sam..."

"Oh, Marge..."

"Sh!" an elderly woman with glasses hissed at the lovebird and frog. "This is a library!" The woman hobbled off, wheeling a cart of books.

"Oh Sam," Aunt Marge whispered. "You pick the most romantic spots..."

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Hey, why isn’t Mister the Frog getting ready to introduce the finale?" Lew Zealand asked.

"Maybe he is in it," Beauregard said.

"But he’s not in costume," Bean Bunny said.

"I heard it was all lovey-dovey and such," Pops said.

"The closing number?" Bobo asked.

"Yup," Pops said.

"Huh," Johnny said. "Frog’s got matzi."

Piggy receded back into her dressing room. "Oh, did vous hear that?" Piggy asked Link. "Kermit is in the closing number! And it’s lovey-dovey!" she said. "He must be ready to win me back! Ooh! I must go get a seat in the front row!" she said, running out of her dressing room.

Link sighed. "But what about my publicity?"

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Is everyone in place?" Fozzie asked.

"You bet!" Scooter said.

"Da girls are out in da audience," Rizzo said. "And da guys are ready and waiting."

"And Rowlf is on the piano," Uncle Deadly said.

"Great," Fozzie said. "Robin," he said, with a deep breath. "Go ahead."

Robin nodded and walked out on stage in front of the curtains. "Hi everybody! Uncle Kermit has asked me to introduce the final number because... well, because it was my idea to do it," he said. "So, um, now, here it is, the closing number!"

The curtains opened, and the lights lit up the stage.

"Here we go," Kermit said.