Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[TogetherAgain]

<Blush> Aw... It's not as bright as it would be if you were here, either...

 

[theprawncracker]

Awww, ain't we cute?

 

[The Count]

See them walking down the stroot.

Sam: Down the stroot?
Well, I had to make it rhyme...

Now post more story!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 12

Kermit came rushing out of the house in a suit, looking frantically at his wrist watch. "Alright everyone, Aunt Marge will be here any minute! So everyone duck behind something and get ready to jump out and yell ‘surprise,’" Kermit said to all the Muppets gathered in the backyard.

"You sure you wanna do that, Kerm?" Clifford asked.

"Yeah, we don’t want to the old bat to have a heart attack at our expense," Floyd said.

"We don’t?" Gonzo asked.

Camilla, Skeeter, and Janice were sitting at one of the tables that had been set up outside with their respective temporary boyfriends. "Ugh," Skeeter said. "Some men are so insensitive, don’t you think, Johnny?"

Johnny did a double-take. "Uh... well..." He looked underneath the tablecloth. "What do I think, Sal?" he asked his monkey under the table.

Sal shrugged. "Just say ‘yeah.’"

Johnny sat back up. "Yeah," he said.

"Ugh, absolutely disgraceful," Sam said.

Camilla, who was sitting on the other side of the table from Sam, rolled her eyes.

"Mister Kermit! Mister Kermit, sir!" Dr. Honeydew called, running out of the house with Beaker following close behind.

Kermit frowned. "Dr. Honeydew, make it quick, Aunt Marge is on her way!"

"Oh, dear, I do apologize," Bunsen said.

"Mee mo," Beaker nodded.

"What do you need?" Kermit snapped.

"Oh, yes, well, I was just letting you know that my Muppet Labs P Harmony machine is fully operational and ready for use at your earliest convenience!" Bunsen said proudly.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Actually, Dr. Honeydew, I think I’ve changed my mind about computer dating."

"Oh, I assure you, mister Kermit, there will be no dating of computers involved!" Bunsen said. "It seems to me that too many of them have their wires crossed, wouldn’t you say?"

"Mo mee mo," Beaker said in agreement.

Kermit shook his head. "Just go hide," he said. "That goes for all of you!"

"But mister Kermit sir! What about the P Harmony machine?" Bunsen asked.

"Later, Bunsen, later!" Kermit said.

Kermit ran behind the tall tree in the backyard with Robin, waiting for Aunt Marge and Beauregard. "This is gonna be fun, Uncle Kermit," Robin said.

Kermit nodded. "I hope so. Have you seen Miss Piggy?"

Robin shook his head. "No, not since we’ve been setting up for the party."

Kermit sighed. "Darn," he said.

"Are you still trying to get Miss Piggy back, Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked.

Kermit looked at his nephew. "Yes Robin, I am."

"Oh, good," Robin said with a smile. "How’s that going?"

Kermit smiled. "It could be better, really."

"Oh, I’m sorry," Robin said. "Is there anything I can do?"

Kermit rubbed his nephew’s head. "No, I don’t think so, Robin. Besides, Fozzie said he had an idea to help me win her back."

Robin frowned. "Fozzie?"

Kermit nodded. "I have full confidence."

Robin nodded much in the same fashion. "Okay, then I do too. As long as you do, Uncle Kermit."

"Shh!" Bean Bunny whispered. "They’re coming!" he shouted, jumping down off his perch on the fence. "Everybody hi-"

The fence door swung open and whacked Bean against the fence. Aunt Marge stomped through the door. "Kermie!" Aunt Marge screamed at the top of her lungs.

Robin looked at Kermit, and Kermit looked at Robin. No one jumped out. Kermit gulped and stepped out from behind the tree. "Um, Aunt Marge! Surprise! Happy birthday!" he said.

"Happy birthday?" she asked. "Happy birthday?" she screamed. "Oh, and I suppose you leaving me with some lump is supposed to be some sort of birthday present?"

Kermit cleared his throat. "Well, you see, Aunt Marge, we were trying to get you out of the house so we could plan a surprise party for you."

Aunt Marge stomped right up to Kermit and glared down at him. "Is there cake?" she asked.

Kermit was visibly shaking. "Uh, well, yes, of course."

"What kind?"

"Oh, well, uh, you know, you’re favor-"

"What kind?"

"Mantis layer cake, of course."

Aunt Marge drilled her eyes into Kermit’s planet-shaped (and at this point, sized) eyelids. "Good," she said sharply, stomping off. She plopped herself down at one of the tables, crossed her frog legs and arms, and waited. "Well, isn’t this supposed to be a surprise party?" she asked.

Kermit looked around frantically. All of the other Muppets walked out meekly, weakly shouting "surprise."

Aunt Marge rolled her eyes. "Why am I not surprised?" she asked herself.

Kermit scrunched up his face. Fozzie walked up to him and put his hand on Kermit’s shoulder. "Well, that went well, Kermit."

Kermit looked up at the bear. "I’ve seen tomatoes that make better surprises than that."

"Yeah?" Fozzie asked. "Well, you’d be surprised how hard tomatoes can be. I would know."

Fozzie was suddenly splattered with a bowl of salsa. "Sorry," Statler called from the snack table.

"Yeah, it was all we could find," Waldorf replied.

"Do ho ho ho!" They both laughed.

Kermit shook his head. "Sorry, Fozzie."

Fozzie took a dab of the salsa on his finger and licked it. "That’s okay, this salsa is great. Where are the chips?" Fozzie asked, walking away.

"Um, boss?" Scooter said to Kermit.

"What is it now, Scooter?" Kermit asked.

"We can’t find Beau," Scooter said.

Kermit frowned, and looked towards Aunt Marge. "Did you ask her?"

"Well, I tried, Rowlf tried, Lew tried, she won’t tell us," Scooter said.

Kermit sighed. "So, you want me to try?"

"Well, not necessarily," Scooter said. "Rowlf and I think that... well... maybe Sam could ask."

Kermit cursed the blinking gods once more. "Sam? The Eagle?"

"Uh huh." Scooter nodded.

"...Why?"

"Well, he and Aunt Marge seem to have some sort of... mind set that intertwines," Scooter said. "He thinks we’re an uncultured lot of despicable weirdos, and she thinks we’re an un-evolved bunch of moronic ninnies."

Kermit stared at the go-fer. "Alright, give it a try."

"Excuse me my amphibious amigo," Dr. Teeth addressed the frog.

"Dr. Teeth?" Kermit asked the bearded bandy. "What are you doing not... performing?"

"There seems to be a bit of a frightful fight of feuding friends in and amongst the band," Dr. Teeth said, waving his hands around.

"I noticed, what with the bills for the new drum set," Kermit said.

"Which is why we can’t participate in your party’s performance," Dr. Teeth said.

Kermit groaned. "I can’t say this is really a surprise..."

"Yet this is a surprise party, interesting, isn’t it?" Dr. Teeth asked.

Kermit frowned. "Very."

"Um, boss?" Scooter came toddling back up to Kermit.

"What is it now, Scooter?" Kermit asked.

"We know where Beau is," Scooter said.

"Oh? Good! Sam got it out of Aunt Marge after all!" Kermit said. "Where is he?"

"Tied to a tree over in the park," Scooter said.

Kermit’s face twisted as if he was going to explode.

"Don’t- don’t worry boss," Scooter said quickly. "We sent Sweetums to-"

"Why can’t I blink?" Kermit shouted.

Everyone stopped and looked at Kermit.

"Whadaya mean, can’t blink?" Aunt Marge asked.

"I’m a frog! Frog’s don’t have eyelids!" Kermit said.

"No, but we’ve got nictitating membranes," Aunt Marge said.

"Nicta- whosa- wha’?" Johnny asked.

"Nictitating membrane," Aunt Marge reiterated. "Go to Wikipedia, look it up."

"Aunt Marge," Kermit said to his aunt. "Care to elaborate?"

Aunt Marge muttered. "Didn’t you pay attention in school, Kermie?" she asked.

"I couldn’t afford it," Kermit said.

"Boo!" Statler called.

"Hiss!" Waldorf added.

"Anyway," Aunt Marge continued. "The nictitating membrane is a special eyelid on frogs that lets them blink. But it’s clear, so you’re the only one who’ll know that you’re doing it."

"Gee, that’s pointless," Gonzo said.

"Only a real jerky man would think that," Skeeter said.

Gonzo sighed and silenced himself.

The silence didn’t last long, however, as an explosion blew out the basement wall. Bunsen and Beaker came out covered in ash and coughing. "Mister Kermit sir, it looks like the Muppet Labs P Harmony machine will not be operational."

"Mo mee mo mo meep mo!" Beaker sputtered.

"Oh, yes, and Beaker seems to be in love with a stump," Bunsen said.

Kermit turned to Fozzie. "Fozzie?"

"Yes?" the bear replied.

"Good grief..."

 

[TogetherAgain]

IN LOVE WITH A STUMP! BLINKING! CAKE! SURPRISE! BEAU! SAM! BAND! SALSA! TOMATO SURPRISE! FAKE BOYFRIENDS! Um, what am I missing... Oh, of course! WINNING BACK MISS PIGGY! And um... EVERYTHING! IT'S JUST SO FREAKING TOTALLY AWESOME AND I LOVE IT AND I LOVE YOU AND hey, did you notice we posted new chapters at like, the exact same time?

MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE!

 

[Leyla]

NICTITATING MEMBRANES!

Totally made my day... and I'm WELL into the next day. Also, I finally GOT P Harmony.

Yes, I am dumb as a post. Maybe when Beaker dumps the stump he'll talk...er, meep, at me.

Love Kermit's faith in Fozzie, and Robin's in Kermit, and really the whole thing is so fun and light hearted and.. oh, listen, the birds are heralding the dawn... very very fun Prawnie! Excellent! Awesome! Hoorah... I'm going to sleep now.

 

[The Count]

Sleep? Must be one of those oft-fabled things, like the Golden Fleece, the Bermuda Triangle, or the life of a prawn and a toga.
Good schtuff, that half said everything already. More plzzzzzzz....
*Head conks out on the table.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Great chapter, I'd love to say more and I promise to give a detailed review sometime this week after I post my new chapter and you give me a detailed review as promised. For now though I will just say "more please!"

 

[The Count]

*Blasts Prawny with his own penguin cannons. Hey, isn't it about time you updated this thing? Or has that 10K race gone to yer head. Come back here and post more story, or we'll be battin' down the hatches to get it!

 

[theprawncracker]

I'm trying! I've been sooooo busy lately, sorry guys... I'll try and get some up tonight.