Muppet Fan-Fic: Don't Trip the Driver

[The Count]

Yes... This shows your fanfic authorship and research skills. To include a plausible reason for J.P. Grosse's absence for the last few years... And the whole bit with Bo's broom, nice, reminds me of Stanley Spadowski.

Good stuff Prawn... Now if you could... More please!

 

[theprawncracker]

And just so I'm caught up chapter-wise with my other half, here's chapter three.

Now, chapter three is the one I'm most worried about posting...It does actually alter the timeline...Not as much as Flppersteps but, uh, brace yourselves...

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 3

"Oh Camilla calm down! You're getting feathers everywhere!"

"Bawk! BAWK BYUCK BAGAWK!!"

"Yes I know it is molting season!" Hilda the wardrobe lady retorted back to the chicken. "You don't have to get so hot in the head about it!"

"Ouh! Hut heeded cheeckee! Yoom yoom yoom!" The Swedish Chef remarked in his always indecipherable mock Swedish.

"Bawk bawk bawk bawk BAWK!" Camilla the molting chicken pecked her visitors out of the room.

"Hey!" Hilda shouted from out in the hall. "That's MY room too you know!"
Camilla flustered and fluttered over to her bed, spreading down feathers across the floor.

"Bawk, byuck baw, Gonzo," she clucked quietly.

At that exact moment, a piece of ceiling plaster fell atop her gord. "Baw?" she looked up at the now-cracking ceiling.

Suddenly, the ceiling broke free and Gonzo fell on top of her. "You rang my sweet little honeysuckle?"

"Braw..." Camilla moaned from underneath her weird lover.

"Oh, sorry," Gonzo pushed himself off his beaky beau.

"Bawk! Bruck bagawk baw!" Camilla whined to her likewise (yet at the same time more so) beaky beau.

"What do you mean you won't go on the trip with us?!" Gonzo asked abruptly. "Camilla you HAVE to go with us! Who'll hold the rope while I ski out the back of the bus?!"

"Buck bawk byuck!" Camilla shifted her weight to the other end of the bed. "Bawk buck buck bagawk! Bawk!"

"What are you talking about my little chickadee? You look amazing, like always," Gonzo smiled.

"Buck bawk byuck bolting bagawk!"

"Molting season?"

"Bawk! Byuck bawk buck bawk buck bagawk!"

"You mean you'd be COMPLETELY naked?!"

"Bawk!"

"Well I for one don't see a problem here!"

Camilla clucked at the top of her chicken lungs, flapping her wings sending feathers all over the room. "Bawk byuck byuck BAWK!"

"Thanksgiving isn't for another month!" Gonzo spat feathers out of his mouth. "C'mon Camilla, we'll just have Hilda knit you some clothes, then you'll be fine!"

"BRAWK! Baw? Bagawk bawk?" Camilla questioned the whatever.

"Yes, I'll make sure no one makes an authentic Comanche headdress out of your feathers," Gonzo reassured her.

Camilla muttered a cluck under her breath. "Bawk, bawk bagawk baw."

"I knew you'd change your mind! Now c'mon, I need your help deciding whether to pack my stack of uninflated footballs or my dead battery collection," Gonzo escorted her out of the room, leaving behind a trail of feathers.

>X<X>X<

​

"Um, excuse me Rowlf," Sam Eagle poked his head into Rowlf and Lew Zealand’s room. "You see that Scandinavian chef with the interesting accent cooked something up that ate one of my all-American suitcases. In short, may I borrow one of yours?"

Rowlf wound his head around the foot of his bed. "Uh, sure Sam, I think I’ve got an extra, Lew, we got anything the closet?"

"Well there’s Darcy, Marcy, Larcy, Carcy, oh and Twiddle-Diddle Pumpkin Pie!" Lew announced from inside the closet.

"I mean besides the boomerang fish!" Rowlf told his roommate.

"Well what else is there?" Lew asked.

Rowlf sighed. "Here Sam, just take this one, I’ll find another in the closet." Rowlf tossed a suitcase in Sam’s general direction.

Sam fumbled with the suitcase as he tried to catch it. "Uh, yes, thank you. Although I am upset that you don’t have one with an American flag print."

"Sorry Sam, I must’ve forgotten to buy on our field trip to the national mint." Rowlf smirked.

"Ah!" Sam gasped. "Then what on Washington’s cherry tree did you purchase?!"

"A hot dog and a Coke." Rowlf told the patriotic pigeon.

"I HEARD THAT!" the ferocious voice of Miss Piggy screamed from the bottom of the stairs. The sound of heels storming up the hollow stairs echoed through the boarding house.

"Oh Miss Piggy hello there have you made sure to pack in your American flag suit-" Sam began before he was cut off, literally.

"HI-YA!" the pork chop sounded against Sam’s feathery chest. Piggy’s clenched face shifted to Rowlf’s face, her eyes piercing right through him.

"Uh, Miss Piggy," Rowlf attempted a save. "You look lovely this morning, have you lost weight?"

"I’M GONNA MAKE YOU A HOT DOG YOU OVERGROWN CHIHUAHUA!" Piggy lunged forward.

"Lew Twiddle-Diddle Pumpkin Pie! Fast!" Rowlf shouted.

"Ah ha ha! I throw her a-way!" Lew tossed a fish into the air, smacking Piggy in the snout. "Aw, they never come back to me in these stories."

Piggy’s nostrils fumed, she let out a scream of rage. "NOW YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN FLIPPER FACE!"

Kermit’s flippery presence darted into the room. "Hey there! Piggy! Hold it!"

Piggy’s long golden locks whipped around, swishing Kermit’s face. "Kermie! Rowlf ate a HOT DOG!"

Kermit grasped Piggy’s gloved hand. "Oh Piggy honey, don’t worry, it was a turkey dog."

Frog 1, Pig 0.

"But Lew, he threw the fish at me!"

"It wasn’t his fault. The fish was magnetically attracted to your ravishing beauty." Kermit swooned.

Frog 2, Pig 0.

"But...But..." Piggy stuttered, she had to bounce back, she just couldn’t let Kermit keep the lead. "Well, I may just need to be taken to the pier to see one of these turkey dogs you speak of."

"Alright Piggy," Kermit agreed. "I’ll see if Fozzie can drive us in the Studebaker."

Frog 3, Pig 0.

"What?!"

"Oh? Would you rather the Mayhem take us in the bus?" Kermit asked serenely. "I’m in the mood for some music."

"Oh never mind," Piggy fumed, leaving the room.

"Nice job Kermit, you threw a shut out." Rowlf patted his froggy friend on the back.

Kermit shrugged. "I’m 4 and 0 this year alone."

<X>X<X>

​

The wine bottle gleamed in the afternoon sunlight as J.P. Grosse lifted it and tipped it over into his wine glass. "Try the wine kid, it’s a very good year."

Scooter turned down the bubbly and spread butter over a piece of bread. "I don’t drink uncle J.P. It’s weird enough where I live."

"And that’s why I do drink dear nephew." J.P. responded gruffly, downing the wine.

Scooter sat the bread slice on the small plate sitting in front of him. "So uncle J.P., why did you call me here?"

"What? Can’t a business man like myself have his nephew to lunch without being cross examined?" J.P. asked, pouring himself another glass of wine.
Scooter smirked at his uncle. "Is that a hypothetical question?"

"Are you gonna finish that bread?" J.P. joked.

Scooter smiled. "I think so, and besides, there’s a whole basket in the middle of the table."

J.P. sighed. "That was the hypothetical question nephew."

"So really, why did you call me here uncle J.P.?" Scooter asked, taking a bite of his bread.

"It’s about Benny Vandergast." J.P. said blankly.

Scooter held his mouth open with the piece of bread halfway inside. "Benny...Vandergast? The one from the theater. The Benny Vandergast?"

"The one and only my dear nephew," J.P. sipped the wine.

"But he’s dead...He’s been dead for...A real long time."

"Death is not always the end dear nephew."

"Don’t you think I know that?" Scooter asked. "I’ve been in the same theater as Uncle Deadly for thirty years."

"And that’s who brought Benny to my attention."

Scooter stopped. "What...What is going on?"

"Benny Vandergast never died nephew. And he wants his theater back."

Scooter dropped the bread on the floor. "I’ll be back with more bread in a moment sir," a waiter said, speeding by the table.

"Come on Scooter, we can’t talk about this here." J.P. dropped a credit card on the table and began to leave.

"Don’t you need to wait for your credit card to ring through?" Scooter asked.
J.P. shrugged. "I’ve got a portfolio full at home, there’s no time Scooter, let’s go."

Scooter dropped his napkin on the table and ran to catch up with his uncle who was getting into his limousine. Scooter sat down next to his uncle who lit up a cigar almost instantly upon entering the car.

"Take a stroll around the block Walter," J.P. told the limo driver as the car began to pull away. "Now Scooter, you have to listen to me. Benny is still alive, and he’s trying to take back the theater."

Scooter straightened the collar of his green jacket. "But uncle, how is this possible?"

"I don’t know," J.P. sighed. "And I’m frightened. Benny knows I own the theater."

"But you’ve never even met Benny Vandergast!"

"Wrong Scooter." J.P. said slowly. "Very, very wrong."

The car came to a screeching halt, knocking both Scooter and J.P. onto the floor. J.P.’s cigar fell from his hand and slid to the front. "Walter what is going on?!" J.P. shouted to the driver.

The window separating the front and back seats rolled down slowly. The driver turned his head slowly around. A wrinkled old face with scrappy white hair stared down at J.P. and Scooter and snickered.

"J.P. Grosse," the driver said with a low voice. "It’s been awhile."

"Benny...Benny Vandergast," J.P. said calmly. "What are you doing?"

"Benny Vandergast?" Scooter whispered. "It’s not possible!"

"Oh it is very possible kid, and it’s staring you right in the face." Benny grinned a toothy grin at his two prisoners laying on the floor.

"Don’t worry Scooter," J.P. said. "My life insurance premiums wouldn’t have been given to you anyway."

 

[TogetherAgain]

<bouncy bouncy excited!> <running late>

 

[The Count]

And yet... It's an alteration that presents a great deal of interest... Benny Vandergast indeed.
You'd better not do anything to Scooter he hasn't already lived through... Or you'll have Lisa's fictional sister to deal with.

And you might want to change the part where Gonzo fell through the ceiling talking to Camilla, as beau refers to a male and Camilla is clearly a girl chicken.
Just a little friendly tip. And before I forget... More please!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Ooh! Interesting! I didn't see that coming in the last chapter! I'm on the edge of my seat wanting more!

 

[jacobsnchz]

Funny! LOL

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 4

"Dear Kermit and the others," Fozzie read aloud from a piece of paper. "My uncle J.P. decided to take out the old private jet and tour the world! Sorry I can’t hang back from the bus trip and watch the theater, but it’s a chance to bond with my uncle that I can’t pass up. See you soon, love, Scooter."

Kermit nodded and turned back to all of the other Muppets sitting at the breakfast table. "So in conclusion everybody, it looks like we’ll need someone to stay back from our big vacation and watch the theater."

When groans of agony came from the crowd stretched along the table, Kermit new he was losing the crowd. So, he decided to pull out an old performer’s trick from under his belt, although he wasn’t really wearing a belt. Kermit had to sell it for more than it really was.

"Yup, an entire two weeks of peace, quiet, seclusion and all-access to the theater’s funds."

"WHAT?!" Piggy shouted. "Kermie, cher, moi would be more than happy to watch the theater por vous," she swooned to Kermit.

Kermit scrunched up his face, of all the Muppets, Piggy was the worst choice to look after the theater. "But Piggy, you’d pass up two weeks of romantic vacation with me to watch the theater?"

Piggy’s mouth dropped. "Never mind! C’mon Bean, let’s get packin’." She said, stomping upstairs with Bean Bunny in toe.

"Any other takers?" Kermit asked.

"Yeah yeah, you know I’d love to, anything for you!" a voice rose above the awkward silence the Muppets almost never showed.

"Oh! Well thanks Clifford!" Kermit said to his co-host.

All of the heads at the table turned to look at Clifford who stood in a corner of the kitchen with his cell phone in his ear. He put the phone up against his shoulder. "You say somethin’ Kerm?" Clifford asked.

"I was just thanking you for volunteering to watch the theater for us instead of going on vacation."

"Si si, grathius Clifford, now dere es more room on de bus, hokay?" Pepe told the dread-locked Muppet.

"You’ve gotta be crazy!" Clifford shouted. He put the phone back up to his ear. "Oh no, not you baby!" The phone on the other end clicked and Clifford hung up with a sigh. "Alrighty Kerm, you’ve gotcher self a deal..."

"Oh good," Kermit smiled. "And everybody else, get packed! The bus leaves at dawn!"

<X>X<X>

​

Uncle Deadly sipped his green tea silently in his private quarters at the Muppet Theater. He gently sat his teacup on the arm of his ragged armchair and rolled up his tattered sleeve, revealing a long gash along his scaly blue skin. He gently rubbed the gash slowly, feeling searing pain with each touch. How could he have let this happen? How could Death have let this happen?
It was such a huge fault, an amazing fault that could have easily been prevented.

Death should’ve seen it coming, his foresight should’ve let him see this attack on Deadly and make a mockery of death altogether.

Why would Death let this happen? It was so wrong, so terribly, terribly wrong. This man should’ve died hundreds of years ago, and yet, he was still here, and Death knew it.

And now this had happened. Deadly stared back at his newly formed scar, this had happened.

Uncle Deadly sighed deeply, releasing the air in his old, tired lungs. Should he warn Kermit? Would he even believe him? And when would he get to talk to Death again? It was all unknown to the phantom.

Deadly dug his claws into the armchair, his beady yellow eyes drifted to the broken down bed in the corner of the room. No way he could sleep tonight (not that he actually slept any night).

He left his armchair and drug his tired body and his long tail to the roof of the theater, he couldn’t miss the goodnights to the town folks below him, no matter what danger lurked above.

He opened the creaky door to the roof and stepped out with his clawed toes, he leaned his jagged elbows on the rail over looking the town below. He smiled down as each shop turned off their lights in unison. "Goodnight," Deadly said quietly, drifting off into the night.

>X<X>X<

​

Scooter and J.P. were tied to two chairs in an empty, barely lit room.

J.P. breathed deeply, "Scooter?" he asked his nephew nervously.

"Yes uncle J.P.?" Scooter asked, trying to calm his uncle.

"Hasn’t this been done before?" J.P. asked, feeling a law suit brewing in the pit of his wallet.

<X>X<X>
​

"Beaker should we pack the tweezers?"

"Mee me mo mo mee!" Beaker demanded.

"Oh, okay, we’ll leave the tweezers behind." Dr. Bunsen Honeydew sat the tweezers on a counter next to a first aid kit and a bottle of Tylenol.

"Mo..." Beaker groaned.

Robin hopped down the stairs leading to the basement. "Um, excuse me Dr. Honeydew, do you have a G.P.S. I could borrow for the trip?"

Bunsen turned his head to the short green frog. "Oh why of course! I’d love to test out my Muppet Labs Gargantuan Proboscis Simulator!"

"Pardon?" Robin asked.

"Why yes! My only test subject so far has been Beaker! And it was such a success! I’d love to test it on someone else!" Bunsen declared. Beaker grabbed his nose timidly.

"But, uh, what does it do?" Robin tilted his head to the side, trying to understand why Beaker was clutching his nose.

"Why it doubles the size of your nose of course!" Bunsen proclaimed.

Robin scrunched up his face. "Of course," he sighed. "Well thanks, but no thanks Dr. Honeydew, I’ll go ask the others." Robin told the bumbling scientist as he ascended the stairs into the kitchen where a mustachioed man tossed random food stuffs around his head, and anyone else’s head within a five foot radius.

The Swedish Chef picked up a meat cleaver and scratched his head. "Tu cleefer oor nut tu cleefer, thet is zee qooesshun."

Robin shook his head, with his luck the Chef thought G.P.S. stood for "Greetly Puoonded Shurty" (now if only Robin could figure out what that meant). Robin hopped along into the living room."

There on the couch sat Bobo with a giant mass of bronze wrapped around his entire body. "Oh, hey there Robin, you like my new tuba?" the bear asked.

Robin tilted his head to the side. "Um, do you even know how to play tuba Bobo?" the young frog asked.

Bobo laughed. "No no, I’m takin’ up lessons. It’ll be great, I’ll get to practice on our little road trip! Heh heh!"

"Oh...Um, okay then," Robin frowned, moving upstairs. I hope tuba practice isn’t synonymous with wake up call...He thought to himself.

Robin hopped up the stairs, and suddenly stopped. He looked straight down at the stair in front of him, then sat down on it. "Sometimes when there’s so much stress like this I just need to stop and sit at my favorite place."

A hand fell down on his shoulder, "I know what you mean," Kermit sat down next to his nephew and let out a deep breath. "It’s times like this that I’m glad I have you Robin, and I’m glad I have these stairs."

"I’m always glad I have you Uncle Kermit." Robin smiled.

"And what about the stairs?" Kermit smirked.

"Oh Uncle Kermit," Robin laughed. "Are we supposed to start the song now?"
"Well I think it would be appropriate," Kermit rubbed Robin’s head.

"Oh, right," Robin nodded. "Now, uh, which song are we doing?"

"I think you should pick."

"Okay! Let’s go ‘Frog Kissing’!"

"Do you want Miss Piggy to break me in half?"

Robin smiled and started to sing. "Do you remember in the fairy tale
How the wicked witch’s spell
Changed the handsome prince to a toad?"

Kermit smiled. "Through the power of her potion
She handed him a notion
He was lower than the dirt in the road
And though she left him green and warted
Her evil plan was thwarted
When perchance to happen by a young miss."

"When in spite of his complexion
Offered her affection
And broke the wicked curse with her kiss." Robin continued.

"Well if you’ve never been frog kissin’," both frogs harmonized.
"Then you don’t know what you’ve been missin’
There’s a world of opportunity under each and every log
If you’ve never been a charm breaker
And you’ve never been a handsome prince maker
Just slow down turn around bend down and kiss you a frog."

"There’s a happy ever after land
Deep in the heart of hand
Where a prince or princess abide," Robin sung with his lovely voice.
"But all we get are glimpses
Of the handsome prince or princess
Cause they’re covered by a green warty hide."

Kermit grinned and continued the song. "And though they’re full of life’s potential
They’re lacking one essential
To enable them to shine like a star
And that’s to have some guy or misses
Smother them with kisses
And to love ‘em while just as they are."

"And that’s the secret of frog kissin’
And you can do it too if you just listen
Just slow down,
Turn around,
Bend down, and kiss you a frog." Kermit and Robin harmonized to finish the song together. The both nodded and smiled.

"Now don’t you go out kissing any cute young girl frogs Robin," Kermit warned his nephew.

"Same goes for you frog!" Miss Piggy shouted from outside.

Robin and Kermit looked at each other. "How does she do that?" the both asked in unison.

"Now come on Robin, we’ve gotta get you packed and ready to leave in the morning." Kermit helped his nephew up off the stair.

"Okay Uncle Kermit, but, uh, I have one question," Robin told his uncle.

"Oh? And what’s that?"

"Do we have a map? ‘Cause I couldn’t find a G.P.S. anywhere in this house." Robin said.

"Not even the Muppet Labs Gargantuan Proboscis Simulator?" Kermit asked.

"Uncle Kermit!"

 

[redBoobergurl]

Whoa! Uncle Deadly and the gash and Scooter and his Uncle tied to chairs?? And Kermit he's so clever trying to find someone to stay at the theatre and that was just so funny that Clifford was on his cell phone. Then Kermit and Robin singing was so cute and I thought it was really funny when Piggy came in at the end. Alot of good stuff in this chapter, but I gotta know what's going on with Scooter and J.P.! And Uncle Deadly! So, MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

Thanks... Needed some more fanfic today.
Heh, liked how you borrowed from the intro of the first Muppets Tonight episode to drag Clifford into staying and watching the theater instead of going on the trip.

Scooter and J.P. tied up in some almost unlit room, you'd better hope he lives through this or someone will certainly give you the business worse than Camilla that last time.

Uncle Deadly got attacked?!? Ooh... Scary stuff and I do hope he gets the chance to talk to Death. Was touched how he gathered enough strength to do the Good Nights watching over the rest of the town's inhabitants.

Funny stuff with Robin trying to find a GPS, getting burned by it when Kermit knew what GPS stood for down in Muppet Labs.
The song, where's that from?
Pepe saying "grathius" is hokay for his character, but you might want to remember it's written "g-r-a-c-i-a-s" for when you're speaking yourself.
Couple of instances where you wrote "the both" where it should "they both" instead.

Other than that it was rully good and scary and funny at the same time... Hee, after Lisa's story last night, Robin rully should hope that Bobo's tuba lessons don't mean wake up calls on the trip.
Only one thing left to say... More please!