Back again with some more fic! I want to preface this one than I do not own the rights to not only the Muppets, but also the plays mentioned in this story. Both The Glass Menagerie and Cat On A Hot Tin Roof are written by Tennessee Williams. Don't worry, you don't have to have read either play to enjoy the story, all you need is an appreciation for Piggy and Link Hogthrob arguing.
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Miss Piggy walked out onto the rehearsal stage, which was lavishly covered with the trappings of a bedroom. A giant king size bed with white sheets, massive wood-paneled television console, an ornate and well-stocked bar, and a large mirror hanging over the bed.
"Perfect!", she said to herself. "The set looks fantastic. Now if only I could get the actors in line as well."
Directing a play was hard work, but Piggy was determined to pull it off. She had been playing (no pun intended) with the idea for a couple of years, since she decided to do a little stage work as a change of pace. She stepped in to play the role of Amanda in Tennessee Williams' The Glass Menagerie for a two-week run in New York in between changes in the lead role, and did a smash-up job. The press noted that she could hold her own with the challenging source material, and not overplay as was her alleged forte in Muppet productions. But aside from the positive reviews (which certainly never hurt), the thrill of the stage was what excited her. Sure, filming the new show they always gave off the idea that everything was live, and while some things were spontaneous, but a lot of it was rehearsed to perfection. There was a challenge to being on stage; the high-wire act of having to be on top of her game no matter what the conditions or circumstances motivated her. It reminded her of the early days of the Muppets, when they did a lot of local shows and live work, where the crowds could swing an event easily.
The success of her work in New York had drawn the attention of the American Porcine Theater Company, who offered her creative control on their planned summer adaptation of Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, citing her familiarity with the work of Tennessee Williams. She was unsure at first; after all, it was a big step to go from merely acting to directing a show. But after a lot of gentle encouragement from Kermit, she accepted and went to work.
Things were hard, especially when she found that "creative control" meant "please mold these actors into something presentable". The American Porcine Theater Company, although extremely prestigious, had fallen on some hard times in regards to actors and really needed this production to come off well. Piggy wanted to play Margaret, but directing and playing a lead role was just too much, so she had to open it up for auditions.
Unfortunately, the leading candidate for the role had been none other than Annie Sue, who Piggy drove out of the Muppet Theater on a rail back so long ago. Annie Sue had since turned to the stage, and had a rather accomplished career in musicals, working her way from traveling productions of Three's Company! Live! to playing the lead role in a revival of Annie Get Your Gun. She looked at this as her chance to prove she could do serious drama, not just fluff. Piggy expected to toss her out of the audition room by her ears, but Annie Sue was good. Not just good, but great. Fantastic. Tony material. Even Piggy had to admit it. She became Margaret, had the accent perfect, the mannerisms, everything. Piggy wanted to fire her, she wanted to embarrass her, but this was not the time for something petty. Annie Sue could give the show the lift it desperately needed.
However, no such lift was coming from her Brick. Link Hogthrob had been the only candidate willing to tackle such a role, and Piggy had no other chance but to hire him for Brick. Annie Sue wiped the floor with him during the table reads, and Piggy worried that the entire play wouldn't work. He had proven to be even weaker an actor than from his Muppet material. Piggy thought his days on My Stepfather, The Pig, his short-lived sitcom would have made him a slightly better actor, but if anything it made him more egotistical. Link offered his two cents on every issue, from staging to the depictions of other characters to what shape of mirror best reflected his looks (rectangular). Link thought he was Al Pacino, and he could barely get through a scene without fouling up.
Everything else was comparatively easy; the smaller roles were casted easily, her vision for the set was built to perfection, but Link proved to be the toughest hurdle to lift. Today was the first real official dress rehearsal, and Piggy had carefully instructed him to bring his "A-game" tomorrow, or else she was going to see to it that his dressing room was relocated to the alley behind the theater.
"All right, everybody. Today is a big day- BIG DAY- and I hope everybody is ready for a long day, because we're going to work until everything looks perfect."
Her group of actors seemed excited. All right, she thought to herself, We've got this now.
"Let's start from the beginning of the first scene. Annie, Link, to your places."
Annie took her place next to the bedroom door, or what would have been the door had the set been completely finished. Link obscured himself behind the bathroom door which was next to the giant bed. The bathroom had been a point of contention to Link, as he insisted that the prop sink needed to have water connected to it even during rehearsals as the bathroom would otherwise not be "authentic". Piggy, unwilling to shell out for a temporary sink deferred until Link tried to modify the sink himself, nearly shattering the walls of the set in the process. A new sink was quickly hauled in the next day.
"Ready, one, two, three, action," yelled Piggy.
Annie stormed onto the stage, perfectly capturing the high-strung, anxious attitude of Margaret.
"One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a hot buttered biscuit so I have to change!"
Link was supposed to poke his head out of the bathroom to address Annie Sue, but he instead chose to recite his lines from inside the bathroom.
"Wha'd you say Maggie? Water was on so loud I couldn't hear you."
"CUT! Link, you're supposed to stand in the bathroom door to say that line."
"But Piggy," said Link as he advanced towards the front of the stage. "It doesn't say that he finished using the bathroom in the stage directions."
Piggy was taken aback. "What are you talking about? You're supposed to hear Margaret enter the room, yell, and then peek out of the bathroom."
"But did Brick use the bathroom before Maggie came in?"
"Why would that matter to your reading of the scene?"
"It changes everything, Piggy."
Piggy knew Link was a little thick and full of himself, but this was too much for her. She took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself before continuing onward.
"Exactly how would what Brick was doing in the bathroom affect the scene and his character?"
"Can he not hear Maggie because of the toilet and the sink or just the sink? The sonics are different."
Annie Sue flopped down onto the bed and pulled a laptop out of behind the pillows. She had clearly know something like this was going to happen and planned accordingly. Meanwhile, Piggy advanced onto the stage to address Link directly.
"Imagine that you just went into the bathroom just to wash your hands, and only the sink is making noise."
"Okay, that's better. Now I can proceed."
Piggy shook her head and signaled for Annie Sue to return offstage.
"Ready, one, two, three, action!"
"One of those no-neck monsters hit me with a hot-buttered biscuit so I have to change!"
Link turned off the water and leaned out the door of the bathroom. Piggy gave a barely perceptible sigh of relief that Link was able to get that stage direction correct.
"Wha'd you say Maggie? Water was on so loud that I could't hear you."
"I just remarked that one of the no-neck monsters-"
"They're not monsters, they're children, precious children, beautiful children, and you should speak of them better."
Piggy's eyes went wide. Link improvising again?!! "CUT! CUT!"
She stormed onto the stage, immediately running past the slack-jawed Annie Sue, who was staring incredulously at Link, and immediately went into to doorway of the bathroom to address him.
"Link! What was that little speech? Brick does not care about the children! He does not care about anything aside from what's in his glass and his friend Skipper. He is not going to deliver some speech like that…that sounds like it came from an episode of your crummy sitcom's finale. Explain yourself."
Link shrugged his shoulders. "Well, Piggy, I decided to put my own spin on the character of Brick. You know, it's called artistic license. And my sitcom was not crummy. It lasted for seventeen episodes and is still shown in reruns in Latvia. We might even be reviving the show over there."
"Artistic license! Artistic license! I gave you no such permission-"
"Piggy, have you actually read this play? And by read, I mean read. You know, reading."
Piggy had not heard such gobbledygook and double talk since she helped Kermit write a Planet Koozebane sketch, and was somehow utterly shocked at Link's attitude. Piggy took a glance back and saw that Annie Sue had resumed her spot on the bed using her laptop, and had somehow acquired a salad, iced tea, and tray table. She clearly had to have known this was coming, Piggy thought to herself.
"Where in the play could you have any reason that Brick is a devoted family man? Please point this out to me. Enlighten me."
Having thrust a script into Link's hand, Piggy tapped her foot while he flipped through the pages, increasingly more and more frantically until he dropped the script.
"Piggy, Piggy, Piggy, there's no need to rely on the script as the best way to read the play."
"What?"
"You have to feel the script in order to read it properly. You know, like how I used to handle Pigs In Space. I felt the script, looked between the lines, between every possible angle, and then decided how to act."
"You just made cracks at me and looked in a mirror. Now, why are you playing Brick like this?"
"This play needs to be funnier. It's…it's…too heavy. That's not what the audience wants."
"They darn sure want it, they darn sure know that this play is heavy, that's what it's supposed to be. Now go back and read your lines the right way before I fire you."
Link shuffled off back into the bathroom. "Gee, Piggy, when we did My Stepfather, The Pig, The TV Movie: The Vacation the directors used to let me down whatever I wanted."
"Please. Just follow the script. Please."
"Okay, but are you sure I can't change-"
"Follow. The. Script."
"Okay."
Piggy slowly crept back to her chair, and proceeded to start the scene again. Hopefully it would go well this time.
"Three, two, one-"
Link cried out again. "Piggy, wait."
"What is it now Link? Would you like me to change the name of your character? The name of the play?"
"How about getting this toilet hooked up as well? Adds to the ambience and improves the sonics."
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Coming up "next": A short play starring Animal, Zoot, and Lips.
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