How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)

[Ozymandias]

...Why did I not know of the existance of these FANTASTIC stories before?

This is awesome. Very, very awesome. I was at Safeway earlier today and was inwardly venting about the stupid headlines in the star-studded magazines on the racks next to the checkout, and how they overused the word "shocking" and its many variations, as well as being just a rumour mill. Then, lo and behold, I read the editors notes on the story, get to the last one, and laugh my posterior off at the irony.

The second story makes me giggle too (if I was ever thrust into that situation, I'd totally be Jenny, haha), but the third one was side-splitting (especially when I got to the line about the cops and the donuts).

In short, I enjoyed this immensely.

 

[charlietheowl]

Ozymandias: Thank you! There's nothing more boring than the truth to a magazine writer! However, in the teaser department, later on, one muppet will beat the magazines at their own game. Dun-dun-dun!

 

[newsmanfan]

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Voon der yunyunshtuffs emploodie der boom-boom, un der shookeeny und no der chop-chop...

Uh, yeah. What HE said.

Clearly you set this particular episode where I live. Called in a gunfight on my front lawn once and it took the bored fat cop 45 mins to bother to show up and tell me it was probably a car backfiring. Hey! Maybe I could send the Chef to their next banquet! Heh heh heh...

Great series! More! More!
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[charlietheowl]

Gunfights on your front lawn? My goodness! Sounds like you live in a bit of a tough neighborhood.

I had some spare time yesterday to write, so look for the next part to be posted at the end of this week.

 

[charlietheowl]

I'm back, and the same as ever! I've accomplished a lot today, so I carved out some time this evening to polish up act four of this fic for y'all.

Again, I am fiddling with format here. See if you can figure out what (or who) the gimmick is this time.

Also, I aged Scooter a tad for the purposes of the story, but nothing too major. So don't read if you can't handle mentions of high school graduation.

***​

"Muppet Boarding House, Scooter Grosse speaking."​

"Excuse me?"​

"You expect me to fall for the old "refrigerator running" gag? Andy and/or Randy, I'm going to tell Piggy on you guys!"​

"What! This isn't you two? Then who is it?"​

"Skeeter! Oh my goodness! You got me! I didn't recognize your voice at all! Very impressive."​

"I didn't realize you were a practicing ventriloquist. How did you find the time to learn that with everything else you were doing down in Costa Rica?"​

"Correspondence courses, I see."​

"Well, how is everything else? I know you've been busy lately, with your ornithological observations and everything."​

"Wow! You already finished your research in one year! I thought it was going to take four or five!"​

"Well, my goodness, I guess it isn't every day you discover a previously unknown species of bird and manage to teach it English."​

"I see. Where are you going to present this research?"​

"Yale and Harvard and Princeton invited you! Impressive. Do you like one over the others?"​

"Yale offered you a faculty position already! Do they know you're only a high school graduate?"​

"They're waiving the undergraduate degree requirements for you? Wow! I always knew you were successful, but I didn't realize even you had this in you. Color me impressed!"​

"What have I been up to? Well, I graduated from high school a couple months ago- did you get the pictures I emailed you?"​

"Aw thanks! Hilda did some alterations on my cap and gown."​

"What?"​

"Oh, you asked what place I finished in my class. I finished 27th."​

"Out of 307. That's top ten percent!"​

"Yes, yes, I know you it doesn't measure up to you, finishing high school in two years and all, but I still did pretty good."​

"College? You don't remember? Come on, sis! I'm going to UCLA to study theatre management and english. I want to work as a writer for the Muppet theatre along with being a stage manager. Give me some better lines in our new sketches, you know!"​

"What else have I been doing? Nothing too much. Just trying to line up some guest stars for next season."​

"I went to orientation last week too."​

"The campus is big, but I should be able to find my way around with my trusty bike. Plus I put a map of everything right onto my phone."​

"That's not nerdy! It's essential!"​

"Anything else? Well, I have been helping Sweetums with the garden, but not much else."​

"Oh yeah! I have been working on getting my license! It's a lot tougher than I thought it would be."​

"Everybody's been taking me on the road, but the best driver and teacher is probably Rowlf."​

"Well, Gonzo has a bad habit of driving blindfolded, Piggy uses the horn too much, Fozzie gets too weepy if anybody beeps the horn at him, Newsie can barely see even with his glasses, Dr. Teeth drives a little too fast, and Zoot falls asleep at the wheel."​

"Sweetums? He can't fit in any of our cars."​

"He takes a unicycle everywhere. You should see him. His sense of balance is impeccable."​

"I had a hard time learning how to parallel park, but Rowlf took me to a parking lot and told me we weren't going to leave until I could do it."​

"He took out a lawn chair and a bottle of ginger ale and coached me through it. Only took three hours."​

"I'm taking the test next week."​

"Rowlf's car. I'd use the Studebaker but it actually doesn't have working tail lights. Or head lights. Or brakes."​

"Gonzo pretty much drives it exclusively now."​

"He shifts it into neutral. Lets it coast."​

"Only three accidents."​

"This week."​

"What about you? Do you have your license?"​

"Which license?! You're silly. I mean driver's license, what do you think I meant, helicopter's license?"​

"Oh. I see. You actually do have your helicopter's license. That's cool."​

"You're driving a helicopter right now!? You can't talk on your cell phone when you're driving a car! I'd imagine you can't do the same on helicopters!"​

"Oh, I guess being on speaker-phone does mean that your hands are free."​

"Where are you flying to?"​

"What!? You can't be serious!"​

"You're coming to visit! Oh my goodness! I better get cleaned up! My room's a mess, I've got all my textbooks for next semester all over the floor."​

"I have my own room now, actually. Lips moved out into the Electric Mayhem bus one day. Said I was too noisy."​

"So when should I be expecting you? Rowlf should be home from the studio later tonight-I could drive with him to the airport to pick you up. That's where helicopters land right?"​

"Step outside? Why do I need to go outside?"​

"Fine, I trust you. I'll go outside."​

"Well, I'm in the backyard. Thank goodness we have a cordless phone now. Now what?"​

"Yes, we have a nice backyard. Lots of space. I set up a badminton net yesterday! You'd be surprised how good Camilla is at badminton. Has a wicked backhand."​

"How much space? I don't know? I was never much good at perimeter and area. A couple acres, maybe."​

"So what airport are you going to be landing at?"​

"I don't need to worry about picking you up-come on, sis, I can't expect you to take a taxi!"​

"Look up-why? Oh my goodness! Is that you?"​

"Guess I better get back on the deck! Try to watch for the net when you land!"​

"Well, I guess I could get a new net. They were on sale. But Camilla will be mad!"​

"This is so exciting! I haven't seen you in forever! I can't wait until everybody gets home!"​

"Yup, I'm by myself right now, but Rowlf should be back from the studio later, and Sam went to the grocery store, and Piggy went out to pick up some proofs from a photo shoot a few minutes before you called."​

"Yeah, I definitely see you now."​

"No, I'm up on the deck. You won't hit me, just the badminton net."​

"You're clear, you're clear. Gosh, I wish I had those colored sticks they wave at the airport right now!"​

"Guess I can hang up the phone now! Gosh, helicopters are loud when they land!"​

****​

coming up "next": We return to the world of traditional narrative as the Newsman ventures into the world of investigative journalism.

 

[Ozymandias]

One-sided conversations FTW. Can I say just how much I love this series? Because I love this series.

 

[newsmanfan]

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*trying VERY hard not to howl at the cumulative silliness effect*

Wonderful!!! Yes, the format feels a little forced...but your comedy is, er, peckable! Especially love the bit about Gonzo driving the wrecked Studebaker. Hilarious!!

I do wonder, though, whether Skeeter has accomplished half the stuff she claims...although landing a chopper by herself in a yard is pretty cool!

Can't wait for next installment! Thanks much for the laugh...even if I had to choke to stop it here in the library...

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[charlietheowl]

Ozymandias and Newsmanfan: Thank you very much for your kind words and continued reading! And I hope I do the Newsman justice for you, Newsie; I've got big plans for him.

 

[newsmanfan]

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I am, dear sir, all aquiver with an...tic..i...........pation!

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[charlietheowl]

Hello again! After some time to take care of some business, this fic is back in business with the story of the Newsman and his latest adventures in journalism. Enjoy.

**********

"Five minutes to live!"

"Thanks!"

The newsman began to go over his lines in his head in anticipation of starting the segment. It was quite nerve-racking, but in a different way than he had ever experienced before. Working with the Muppet news always left him in danger of smashed by an anvil, torn into little pieces, or attacked by animals. Being out of the Muppet Theatre, he felt reasonably sure none of that would happen. But this was a big time news story and he was working for a big time show. Not just every reporter could be on 3600 Seconds, and Newsie felt that it was the highlight of his career just being asked to be on the show. Sure, it was the summer, and most of the regular reporters were on break, but that didn't matter. This was his chance to break into the big time, and finally be recognized as a legitimate reporter. Sure, the Muppet gig was nice; it paid well, the people were great, but the stories weren't the long-form pieces that every reporter wants to do at one point.

Newsie adjusted his tie in the front window of the store where the news truck was parked nearby. Have to look professional, he thought to himself. Didn't want to look like that hack Fleet Scribbler, who had inexplicably landed a gig on Freshly Squeezed News, a local morning show. Newsie had seen clips of his "reporting" online and wished there was some sort of Hippocratic Oath for reporters, because Scribbler was certainly violating a lot of unwritten rules. Unprofessional appearance, slanderous accusations, horrific banter. The worst moment was when he claimed Queen Elizabeth was a Russian spy from "the Kremlin" because she was wearing one of those furry sable hats. Awful. Fleet Scribbler was doing more to set back the advance of Muppets in journalism than the time Piggy slapped Barbara Walters during an interview.

Newsie began scanning the area around the store where he was reporting. It was "Auntie Margo's Organic Foods", what appeared to be a fairly sleepy, run-of-the-mill artsy grocery store. The kind of place where everything cost at least five dollars and the cashiers didn't have to wear uniforms because they were "too stifling". Newsie had been there before; it was a fairly short drive from the Muppet Theater and they had a pretty nice salad bar. He never thought that the quiet little store with the Paula Cole and Animal Collective playing constantly would have been such a hot bed of crime and scandal, but the production team gave him a wealth of documents and affidavits which turned him around. It was criminal to see that a grocery store would mistreat its most important resource. The food.

In the front of the store, underneath a large awning lay massive displays of all sorts of fruits; apples, pears, pineapples, peaches, oranges, everything. Giant signs emblazoned with "SALE BUY FOUR GET ONE FREE" and other such bargains hung on the window-front over the stands. A normal display- right? But all was not what it seemed.

"HEY! HEY! Newsie! Is that you?"

Newsie walked briskly over to the display of peaches, scanning them to try and locate the one who had screamed at him.

"Lucinda? Lucinda? Where are you?"

"Right here!" She had rolled forward to the front of the display.

"You ready for this interview? We go live in one minute."

"You bet I've been waiting to expose this Margo broad for the lying, cheating, cold-hearted little…"

"TWENTY SECONDS TO LIVE! NEWSIE GET BACK IN POSITION!"

Newsie ran up towards the camera, smoothed out his hair, adjusted his glasses, had a microphone thrust into his hand, then had it turned so the logo faced the front.

"FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE"

"Hello, and I'm in front of Auntie Margo's Organic Foods. You've just heard the first part of the story about poor working conditions for the fruits on display in front of the store. Long hours, no breaks, only fifteen minutes for lunch, and the constant fondling from passerby without the opportunity to be cleaned. Now that you've heard from the brave store employees who told the story of the poor working conditions, we're going to let you, the audience, hear from the fruit themselves, to dispel any doubts that the claims of the employees were exaggerated or untrue."

Newsie briskly paced over to the peaches, where Lucinda had perched herself right on top of all of her fellow fruits so the camera could better see her.

"I'm here with Lucinda, who is the union representative for the produce at this store. Lucinda, can you describe the working conditions imposed by Auntie Margo?"

"Let me tell you, this…this broad Margo, she's not the friendly neighborhood grocer she tries to be in her commercials! She's a slave-driver! She's a sadist! She makes us sit out here for hours without water breaks."

"How often are you supposed to have water breaks?"

"Ten minutes every two hours to get rinsed off. She won't let us inside unless we've worked for four hours! Four hours!"

"What other grievances do you have against Margo?"

"She lets her customers fondle us! Without wearing gloves! Imagine if people were feeling you up everyday for hours at a time? Dirty hands, dirty fingernails, YICCH!"

"I wasn't aware that people need to wear gloves while handling produce."

"Well, they should! I mean, look at your hands! Covered in germs."

Newsie glanced downward at his fingers. Pssh, I use Purell, he thought to himself, but he returned quickly to his interview.

"Now, Lucinda… hold on a second… my producer is signaling to me that Margo herself has pulled in to the parking lot. Perhaps we could try and get a statement from her live on the air, since she refused to provide on in advance."

Newsie pulled himself away from the fruit and began walking towards Margo, who had gotten out of a large black Cadillac. She had obviously known the news trucks were going to be in front of her store, as she already had her arms extended in the classic "NO COMMENT" pose and was wearing an incongruously large floppy hat as to obscure her face. Or hide her face as much as one could when it was emblazoned across a nearby sign-front.

"Margo? Margo? I'm with 3600 Seconds and we are looking for a statement on the allegations against your business."

"No comment."

"You do realize these are troubling charges of ill-treatment of produce in violation of fruit and vegetable bylaws."

"No comment."

"Lucinda has stated to me-"

"Lucinda will be proven a liar," said Margo with a cold voice. "Now that will be my ONLY comment. Please vacate these premises."

Before Newsie could even utter a response, Lucinda the peach screamed from the fruit stand.

"Say that to my face!"

"What?"

"I said, say that to my face! Is your hat covering your ears?"

Margo stalked over towards the peaches, while Newsie followed behind, frantically trailing the camera-woman. He knew not to say much right now, as his training had taught him to let the drama speak for itself. Such confrontations were not often captured live, and this would be a ratings blockbuster, and the kind of story that could really put a reporter on the map.

"You're a liar."

"Oh yeah? Well, see how you like being fondled by hundreds of people."

"What?"

Margo soon found out what that meant, as hundreds of peaches, apples, pears, and everything else outside flung themselves at her, sending her down to the ground in a pile of fruit.

"See how you like it! Not so much fun is it!", yelled an anonymous pear.

"You're my employees! Get off of me! MMMMH stop it!"

Margo soon was completely muffled out by the steady stream of giddy fruit who jumped upon her, while a flustered Newsie took a deep breath and then stepped into the view of the camera.

"Well, the fruit have certainly showed their disgust with Margo in full bloom today. I fully expect to see the police and SWAT team over here in a matter of minutes. Until then, back to you in the studio."

**********

Coming up "next": Floyd and Janice give the gift of music, but does anybody actually want it?