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Chapter Thirty-Three
The Next Day
June 24, 1975
They hadn’t even walked one block yet, and Kermit all ready knew that the rest of his life would be very long, stressful, and frustrating if he had to spend it working with Miss Piggy.
She flounced around him with every step, flipping her hair and smiling at him, smotheringly trying to snuggle against him, hug him, kiss him, hold him.
He tried to ignore it, but he was getting flustered. Flustered, and frazzled, and frustrated, and it wasn’t even seven o’clock in the morning yet.
“PIGGY!” he finally burst, “Would you PLEASE stop that?”
She froze, her eyes shining at him. “Stop what, Kermie?” she asked.
He cringed at the painful sweetness of her voice. “That!” he said, pointing at her all-too-innocent eyes. “That- oh, never mind!” He stormed onward with an exasperated sigh.
She was almost instantly at his side. Again. “Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed,” she chirped. She clamped her arms around him. “Vous should relax, Mon Capitan. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”
He held his breath and tried to squirm free. “Piggy,” he said, “I don’t- have a nose!”
She released him, folded her arms, turned her back to him and sighed. “Or, vous could get hung up on every little detail…”
“Piggy,” he moaned, “We’re going to be late for our auditions at this rate!”
She whirled around and looked him straight in the eyes for exactly two seconds. “Let’s go,” she snipped, and they marched on without another word of flirting or frustration.
Six Days Later
June 30, 1975
Kermit was tired. For a week now, he had woken up early every morning to spend the day auditioning at World Wide Studios. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that he spent more time there than anyone else in the company. Every day was something different- singing, dancing, telling jokes, acting, improvising, interacting with a stranger, interacting with a group of strangers, and this morning they had finally interacted with each other.
But Kermit was too nervous to feel how tired he was. They were all standing in the intimidatingly luxurious office of Lord Lew Grade- the man they had been auditioning for all along.
Lord Lew Grade was skimming through a thick stack of paper that represented all of the past week’s work. Unbeknownst to most of them, he had poked his head in on every single audition.
Finally, he set the papers in place on his desk and folded his hands on top of them. “You have got to be the strangest, most mis-matched assortment of semi-acceptable entertainers the world has ever seen,” he said with a thick British accent.
The group squirmed.
Lord Lew Grade smiled. “I can hardly pass up on that, now, can I?” he said.
“Does that mean we’re hired?” Fozzie blurted out.
Kermit nudged him. “Fozzie,” he whispered.
But Lord Lew Grade just smiled and reached for his intercom button. “Miss Tracy,” he said, “Prepare the standard Rich and Famous contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.”
The room erupted into shouts and laughs and hugs and slaps on the back and high-fives and one unwanted porcine kiss on an amphibian’s cheek.
The secretary came in with a new stack of papers and Lord Lew Grade began to distribute them. “Right, now you’ll just have to fill these out,” he said.
Miss Piggy groaned. “Is it going to ask how much rainfall there was in the nearest major city the year we were born again?”
Lord Lew Grade chuckled. “Oh, no, no, all you have to do is read it and sign your name at the bottom,” he said.
“Good!” Gonzo said, “Because I made up that answer.”
Dave squinted at the page. “This is awfully fine print,” he said.
“Oh, I forgot!” Lord Lew Grade said. “I’m terribly sorry. Miss Tracy, the magnifying glasses!”
The secretary scurried out of the room and hurried back in with a dozen magnifying glasses, which she quickly handed out.
“I’m sorry about the print,” Lord Lew Grade said. “We used up most of our paper on those first forms you filled out.” He sat at his desk while they read through their magnifying glasses. “I spend most of my time in England. You’ll have an agent here, though. You’ll meet him later today.”
Kermit signed his contract and handed it to Lord Lew Grade. Lord Lew Grade signed it and shook Kermit’s hand. “Welcome to World Wide Studios, Kermit the Frog.”
Bernie Brillstein met each of them individually, in alphabetical order by last name. First was Fozzie Bear, then Camilla the Chicken, Rowlf the Dog, and then Kermit the Frog came in.
Kermit recognized him right away. “Oh hey!” he said, “You’re the agent from the swamp!”
“And you’re the frog with the banjo!” Bernie said with a smile.
“Yeah!” Kermit said. “What a coincidence.”
“I had a feeling you’d make it,” Bernie said. “What did I tell ya? You’ve got talent!”
“Gee, thanks!” Kermit said. His mind strayed briefly. “Unfortunately, you’re not the only one who thinks so.”
Bernie frowned. “What’s that mean?”
“Well, there’s this Doc Hopper guy who wants me to do commercials for his frog legs restaurant,” Kermit explained with a scrunched face. “He’s been following me around all the way across the country.”
“Let me guess,” Bernie said, “You’re not interested?”
Kermit fiercely shook his head. “It’s repulsive!” he said.
“Then don’t worry a speck about it,” Bernie said. “I’ll take care of Hopper. You’ve got bigger and better things coming your way. You’re gonna make millions of people happy, kid. Millions!”
“Millions,” Kermit repeated, and he smiled.
After Kermit, Bernie met with Dave Goelz, and then Gonzo the Great, and then Jim Henson came in.
“Hi Bernie,” he said.
“Good to see you again, Jim,” Bernie said as they shook hands. “Looks like it worked!”
“Better than planned,” Jim nodded. “I didn’t expect to get Rowlf in again.”
“Lucky Kermit ran into him,” Bernie agreed. “So it was really the ‘millions of people happy’ line that finally got him, wasn’t it?”
“I guess,” Jim said. “Thanks again, Bernie.”
“My pleasure,” Bernie smiled. “Just please, no more alligators.”
Jim shook his head. “Out of curiosity,” he said, “How did you convince Lord Lew to hold auditions for frogs?”
Bernie grinned. “A trick of the trade,” he said. “What I’d like to know is how you and I have known each other for fifteen years without Kermit knowing about me.”
Jim smiled. “Trick of the trade.”
Bernie laughed. “Fair enough, I guess,” he said. “Any way, it’s all set up for you to be right back in the same town. Well, not all set up, but close enough, really.”
“How convenient,” Jim said.
Bernie raised an eyebrow. “Think Kermit’ll figure it out?”
Jim hesitated. “If he thinks about it, he will sooner or later,” he said. “But by the time he cares to think about it, I don’t think he’ll mind.”
After Jim, Bernie met with Richard Hunt, and then Jerry Juhl, Jerry Nelson, Frank Oz, and then Miss Piggy came in.
She immediately karate-chopped him.
The air shot out of him, his eyes bulged, and he clutched his stomach. After a moment, he re-discovered his breath. “What was that for?” he demanded.
“That was your warning,” Miss Piggy said. “Now listen.”
Bernie took a deep breath, straightened up, and sat down at his desk. “You have my full attention, Miss Piggy.”
A sugary smile crossed her face. “Moi should always have your full attention, Mr. Brillstein,” she said. She put both of her gloved hands on the desk. “Moi was interrupted from the best night of my life by a call from my last agent,” she said. “Moi dropped everything to get the offer he had for moi. He said moi would be the official spokesperson for a big company. Moi would get excellent pay, it would be a major break, and the company would sponsor any movie moi happened to get a role in. All moi had to do was show up!” She paused for effect. “I called my agent when moi was halfway there,” she said. “And that was when he mentioned that the company sold PORK PRODUCTS!”
She banged the desk so hard that she left two matching dents in it, and looked straight through Bernie with a furious glare that undoubtedly would have made a heavyweight wrestler quake with terror. Bernie was struggling to keep from fainting.
She cleared her throat and resumed her dainty manner. “Naturally, that was also when moi fired him,” she said. “But, since vous work for all of us, moi cannot fire vous.”
Bernie nodded gravely.
A flame reminiscent of the earlier glare crept into her eyes as she leaned forward. “If vous should make that mistake,” she said, “The only advice moi can give you, is to run.” She smiled genuinely. “Are we perfectly clear, Mr. Brillstein?”
Bernie took a deep breath. “Perfectly clear,” he said steadily.
Miss Piggy gazed at Kermit across the large table as they waited for the waiter to return with everyone's food. How would she ever explain to him what she had explained to Bernie? The best night of her life had been the night of their date. Everything had gone so perfectly. Even with the interruption from Doc Hopper…
She sighed inwardly. Unfortunately, she knew what it felt like to advertise the killing of one’s own species, and she had done her best to save Kermit from it. How, then, how could she have come so close to being tricked into it again? It seemed ironic, perhaps even hypocritic, that she had protected him from that evil, and then dropped him to go running towards it. It was shameful.
And there was no way to undo it, either. He had been so cold with her since then. Worse, he avoided her like the plague. Even now, he was at the opposite end of the table, and taking every opportunity to avoid making unnecessary eye contact with her. That was what hurt the most about her shame. She had hurt him. And she knew, every part of her knew, that she was in love with him.
She gazed at him longingly. He was smiling, laughing, pleased with something. He had such a sweet smile… She loved his smile… Would he ever smile for her again, the way he had constantly that night?
Yes, she decided. Somehow, she would get him to warm up to her again. Because deep in his eyes that night, she had seen- and perhaps it was only for a moment- but he had loved her, too. But how could she tell him what had happened? It was humiliating!
Dinner came, and hunger forced a close to her thoughts. How would she explain it to him? Quite simply, she never would.
The Next Day
June 24, 1975
They hadn’t even walked one block yet, and Kermit all ready knew that the rest of his life would be very long, stressful, and frustrating if he had to spend it working with Miss Piggy.
She flounced around him with every step, flipping her hair and smiling at him, smotheringly trying to snuggle against him, hug him, kiss him, hold him.
He tried to ignore it, but he was getting flustered. Flustered, and frazzled, and frustrated, and it wasn’t even seven o’clock in the morning yet.
“PIGGY!” he finally burst, “Would you PLEASE stop that?”
She froze, her eyes shining at him. “Stop what, Kermie?” she asked.
He cringed at the painful sweetness of her voice. “That!” he said, pointing at her all-too-innocent eyes. “That- oh, never mind!” He stormed onward with an exasperated sigh.
She was almost instantly at his side. Again. “Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed,” she chirped. She clamped her arms around him. “Vous should relax, Mon Capitan. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”
He held his breath and tried to squirm free. “Piggy,” he said, “I don’t- have a nose!”
She released him, folded her arms, turned her back to him and sighed. “Or, vous could get hung up on every little detail…”
“Piggy,” he moaned, “We’re going to be late for our auditions at this rate!”
She whirled around and looked him straight in the eyes for exactly two seconds. “Let’s go,” she snipped, and they marched on without another word of flirting or frustration.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Six Days Later
June 30, 1975
Kermit was tired. For a week now, he had woken up early every morning to spend the day auditioning at World Wide Studios. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that he spent more time there than anyone else in the company. Every day was something different- singing, dancing, telling jokes, acting, improvising, interacting with a stranger, interacting with a group of strangers, and this morning they had finally interacted with each other.
But Kermit was too nervous to feel how tired he was. They were all standing in the intimidatingly luxurious office of Lord Lew Grade- the man they had been auditioning for all along.
Lord Lew Grade was skimming through a thick stack of paper that represented all of the past week’s work. Unbeknownst to most of them, he had poked his head in on every single audition.
Finally, he set the papers in place on his desk and folded his hands on top of them. “You have got to be the strangest, most mis-matched assortment of semi-acceptable entertainers the world has ever seen,” he said with a thick British accent.
The group squirmed.
Lord Lew Grade smiled. “I can hardly pass up on that, now, can I?” he said.
“Does that mean we’re hired?” Fozzie blurted out.
Kermit nudged him. “Fozzie,” he whispered.
But Lord Lew Grade just smiled and reached for his intercom button. “Miss Tracy,” he said, “Prepare the standard Rich and Famous contract for Kermit the Frog and Company.”
The room erupted into shouts and laughs and hugs and slaps on the back and high-fives and one unwanted porcine kiss on an amphibian’s cheek.
The secretary came in with a new stack of papers and Lord Lew Grade began to distribute them. “Right, now you’ll just have to fill these out,” he said.
Miss Piggy groaned. “Is it going to ask how much rainfall there was in the nearest major city the year we were born again?”
Lord Lew Grade chuckled. “Oh, no, no, all you have to do is read it and sign your name at the bottom,” he said.
“Good!” Gonzo said, “Because I made up that answer.”
Dave squinted at the page. “This is awfully fine print,” he said.
“Oh, I forgot!” Lord Lew Grade said. “I’m terribly sorry. Miss Tracy, the magnifying glasses!”
The secretary scurried out of the room and hurried back in with a dozen magnifying glasses, which she quickly handed out.
“I’m sorry about the print,” Lord Lew Grade said. “We used up most of our paper on those first forms you filled out.” He sat at his desk while they read through their magnifying glasses. “I spend most of my time in England. You’ll have an agent here, though. You’ll meet him later today.”
Kermit signed his contract and handed it to Lord Lew Grade. Lord Lew Grade signed it and shook Kermit’s hand. “Welcome to World Wide Studios, Kermit the Frog.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Bernie Brillstein met each of them individually, in alphabetical order by last name. First was Fozzie Bear, then Camilla the Chicken, Rowlf the Dog, and then Kermit the Frog came in.
Kermit recognized him right away. “Oh hey!” he said, “You’re the agent from the swamp!”
“And you’re the frog with the banjo!” Bernie said with a smile.
“Yeah!” Kermit said. “What a coincidence.”
“I had a feeling you’d make it,” Bernie said. “What did I tell ya? You’ve got talent!”
“Gee, thanks!” Kermit said. His mind strayed briefly. “Unfortunately, you’re not the only one who thinks so.”
Bernie frowned. “What’s that mean?”
“Well, there’s this Doc Hopper guy who wants me to do commercials for his frog legs restaurant,” Kermit explained with a scrunched face. “He’s been following me around all the way across the country.”
“Let me guess,” Bernie said, “You’re not interested?”
Kermit fiercely shook his head. “It’s repulsive!” he said.
“Then don’t worry a speck about it,” Bernie said. “I’ll take care of Hopper. You’ve got bigger and better things coming your way. You’re gonna make millions of people happy, kid. Millions!”
“Millions,” Kermit repeated, and he smiled.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After Kermit, Bernie met with Dave Goelz, and then Gonzo the Great, and then Jim Henson came in.
“Hi Bernie,” he said.
“Good to see you again, Jim,” Bernie said as they shook hands. “Looks like it worked!”
“Better than planned,” Jim nodded. “I didn’t expect to get Rowlf in again.”
“Lucky Kermit ran into him,” Bernie agreed. “So it was really the ‘millions of people happy’ line that finally got him, wasn’t it?”
“I guess,” Jim said. “Thanks again, Bernie.”
“My pleasure,” Bernie smiled. “Just please, no more alligators.”
Jim shook his head. “Out of curiosity,” he said, “How did you convince Lord Lew to hold auditions for frogs?”
Bernie grinned. “A trick of the trade,” he said. “What I’d like to know is how you and I have known each other for fifteen years without Kermit knowing about me.”
Jim smiled. “Trick of the trade.”
Bernie laughed. “Fair enough, I guess,” he said. “Any way, it’s all set up for you to be right back in the same town. Well, not all set up, but close enough, really.”
“How convenient,” Jim said.
Bernie raised an eyebrow. “Think Kermit’ll figure it out?”
Jim hesitated. “If he thinks about it, he will sooner or later,” he said. “But by the time he cares to think about it, I don’t think he’ll mind.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
After Jim, Bernie met with Richard Hunt, and then Jerry Juhl, Jerry Nelson, Frank Oz, and then Miss Piggy came in.
She immediately karate-chopped him.
The air shot out of him, his eyes bulged, and he clutched his stomach. After a moment, he re-discovered his breath. “What was that for?” he demanded.
“That was your warning,” Miss Piggy said. “Now listen.”
Bernie took a deep breath, straightened up, and sat down at his desk. “You have my full attention, Miss Piggy.”
A sugary smile crossed her face. “Moi should always have your full attention, Mr. Brillstein,” she said. She put both of her gloved hands on the desk. “Moi was interrupted from the best night of my life by a call from my last agent,” she said. “Moi dropped everything to get the offer he had for moi. He said moi would be the official spokesperson for a big company. Moi would get excellent pay, it would be a major break, and the company would sponsor any movie moi happened to get a role in. All moi had to do was show up!” She paused for effect. “I called my agent when moi was halfway there,” she said. “And that was when he mentioned that the company sold PORK PRODUCTS!”
She banged the desk so hard that she left two matching dents in it, and looked straight through Bernie with a furious glare that undoubtedly would have made a heavyweight wrestler quake with terror. Bernie was struggling to keep from fainting.
She cleared her throat and resumed her dainty manner. “Naturally, that was also when moi fired him,” she said. “But, since vous work for all of us, moi cannot fire vous.”
Bernie nodded gravely.
A flame reminiscent of the earlier glare crept into her eyes as she leaned forward. “If vous should make that mistake,” she said, “The only advice moi can give you, is to run.” She smiled genuinely. “Are we perfectly clear, Mr. Brillstein?”
Bernie took a deep breath. “Perfectly clear,” he said steadily.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Miss Piggy gazed at Kermit across the large table as they waited for the waiter to return with everyone's food. How would she ever explain to him what she had explained to Bernie? The best night of her life had been the night of their date. Everything had gone so perfectly. Even with the interruption from Doc Hopper…
She sighed inwardly. Unfortunately, she knew what it felt like to advertise the killing of one’s own species, and she had done her best to save Kermit from it. How, then, how could she have come so close to being tricked into it again? It seemed ironic, perhaps even hypocritic, that she had protected him from that evil, and then dropped him to go running towards it. It was shameful.
And there was no way to undo it, either. He had been so cold with her since then. Worse, he avoided her like the plague. Even now, he was at the opposite end of the table, and taking every opportunity to avoid making unnecessary eye contact with her. That was what hurt the most about her shame. She had hurt him. And she knew, every part of her knew, that she was in love with him.
She gazed at him longingly. He was smiling, laughing, pleased with something. He had such a sweet smile… She loved his smile… Would he ever smile for her again, the way he had constantly that night?
Yes, she decided. Somehow, she would get him to warm up to her again. Because deep in his eyes that night, she had seen- and perhaps it was only for a moment- but he had loved her, too. But how could she tell him what had happened? It was humiliating!
Dinner came, and hunger forced a close to her thoughts. How would she explain it to him? Quite simply, she never would.
