Chapter Thirty-Two
The Next Day
June 23, 1975
Kermit was the first to enter the air-conditioned office building that was the headquarters of World Wide Studios. He approached the reception desk and instinctively looked to Jim to take charge.
Jim
did step forward. He put his hand on Kermit’s back and bent down to the frog’s level. “Here goes nothing, right?” he whispered.
Kermit nodded. “Here goes nothing,” he repeated.
Jim gave him a pat on the back. “Good luck,” he whispered, and he stepped back.
Kermit looked around at the small crowd. There were some he had known for years, some he had known for days. But
all of them were looking for
him to take the next step. He looked at them, and he smiled. “Here goes nothing,” he said softly, and he approached the reception desk.
His friends smiled nervously as they followed him. They all knew that this was a great deal more than nothing.
Kermit took a deep breath. “Um- excuse me, miss?”
The receptionist looked up.
“Hi,” he said. “We’re looking for the open auditions for frogs?”
The receptionist raised her eyebrows. “
All of you?” she asked.
Kermit glanced at his friends. “Well- yeah,” he said. The rest of them nodded.
The receptionist scoffed. “Good luck,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “You want Studio D. Ask for Lord Lew Grade. He’s the guy in charge. Anyway-“ She pointed. “You go out here, take a left and a right and a left and it’s right there. And like I said.” She looked at them like they were too pathetic to be alive, with a touch of sympathy. “Good luck.”
“Thank you!” Kermit said cheerfully, and he led the group away.
“Not very encouraging, is she?” Gonzo said quietly.
“Well then,” Kermit said, “We’ll just encourage each other.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
They all settled into a corner of the bustling studio, each with a thick stack of paperwork and a pen. With a limited number of chairs available, most of them decided the floor was comfortable enough, and they set about filling out every single page- with much discussion, of course.
“What’s today’s date?”
“It’s the twenty-third.”
“Of what month?”
“What
year?”
“Should I put my name as The Great Gonzo or Gonzo the Great?”
“Well which is on your birth certificate?”
“I don’t have one.”
“This pen doesn’t work.”
“How many times do we have to sign our name on this thing?”
“Do any of us have an agent?”
“No.”
“Piggy does.”
“No I don’t.”
“You don’t?” Kermit looked up at her.
“Not any more,” she growled.
Kermit shrugged it off with a light “Hm.”
“I don’t remember how to spell my mother’s father’s mother’s maiden name.”
“I don’t remember how to
pronounce my mother’s father’s mother’s maiden name.”
“I don’t think my mother’s father’s mother even
had a maiden name.”
“What if you don’t know what part of the moon cycle you were born under?”
“I don’t know my zodiac sign.”
“Well when were you born?”
“Are we auditioning as part of a company?”
“Yeah, Henson,” Kermit said. He looked at Jim. “Right?”
Jim nodded.
“Are you done with your pen?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Just thought I’d ask.”
“I don’t even know what this word means!”
“Which word?”
“I don’t know, I can’t pronounce it.”
“Let me see.”
“How many trees do you think they cut down for this?”
“Total, or per form?”
“Per form.”
“One.”
“Just one?”
“One redwood.”
“I can’t decide if my favorite color is red or blue.”
“It keeps asking for a phone number, and I don’t have one.”
“That’s okay, I don’t have a home address.”
“How many hours do you think this will take?”
“My pen ran out of ink.”
“Too many…”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When all of them finally finished, they stacked their stacks of paperwork, and brought one big stack up to a table to turn it in.
The man at the table winced at the top form. “Where did you people learn how to write?” he groaned. “Honestly! How am I supposed to read this- this
chicken scratch!”
“Baw?” Camilla started pushing her way to the front of the group.
“Let me see.” Gonzo peered over the stack at the chicken scratch. “Oh,” he said, “That’s Camilla’s form.”
“Who’s Camilla?” the man asked.
At that moment Camilla finally burst forward. “BAW! Bu-b-baw bu-buck buck-buck-buck bu-GAW!” she clucked angrily.
The man threw his arms up, either in defense or surrender. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend! I don’t usually
deal with
chickens!” he said irritably. “I’ve had a rough day too, all right? Now just CHILL!” He calmed himself. “And please excuse me while I take care of these forms, for you.” He flipped through each and every form, occasionally signing, initialing, or stamping a page.
It only took him half an hour.
“Okay!” he finally said. “You’re all set.” He handed them each a sheet of paper. “Just check that for your audition times, dates, locations, and so on, and so forth.” He looked at Kermit. “Make sure no one loses their paper, because you don’t all have the same times, dates, locations, and so forth, and so on. Next time all of you will be here is one week from today. Clear?”
“Crystal,” Kermit said.
“Who’s she?” Fozzie asked.
“Who’s who?” Kermit asked.
“Crystal.”
Kermit shook his head. “Never mind.”
The man raised and lowered his eyebrows. “Right,” he said. “Now you all go and find some place to stay- rest, wash up, whatever-“
“Yes?” Gonzo interrupted.
The man hesitated. “…And just come back whenever your sheet tells you to,” he concluded.
“Okay,” Kermit said cheerfully. “Thank you, sir!” And he led the group away.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
They re-convened on the street, gathering near the curb and pretending that they didn’t block the sidewalk. The chatter immediately started up again.
“So when do
you go back again?” Gonzo asked.
“Seven o’clock tomorrow,” Kermit said.
“Oh. I go back at ten,” Gonzo said.
“No that says
room ten. You go back at one.”
“Does anyone else have to go back every day?” Fozzie asked.
“Yup.”
“You go back every day?” Frank asked.
“How many times do you go back?” Fozzie asked.
“Twice.”
“What?”
“Can moi see that?” Miss Piggy took the sheet out of Frank’s hands and compared it to hers. “Hm. I go back every day, and vous only go twice.” She handed him his sheet. “Clearly, they can see that moi am more important than vous.”
Rowlf turned to Jim. “She’s very subtle,” he joked.
“Hey wait a second,” Kermit said as he examined everyone’s sheets from one angle or another. He looked at Jim, Frank, Richard, Don, Dave, Jerry, and Jerry. “
All of you guys only come back twice.”
The men shuffled around to compare sheets. “Well look at that,” Don said. “Same dates and times, too.”
“How often do the rest of you go back?” Jim asked.
“Every day,” Kermit said.
“Bawk burawk buck buck bawk!” Camilla waved her sheet around.
“Hey that’s right!” Gonzo said. “Camilla has two days off.”
“So do I,” Rowlf said.
“Are they the same days?” Dave asked.
Rowlf checked. “No.”
“None of us ever go back at the same time until a week from now,” Kermit said.
“I’d like to know why that is,” Richard said.
“I wanna know why
we’re all together and you guys aren’t,” Jerry Nelson said.
“What
I wanna know is if you coat a wooden box with cooking oil and then put cement in it, then when it dries will the cement come out easily,” Gonzo said.
The others stared at him.
“What?”
“Gonzo?” Kermit said, “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well we were saying things we want to know,” Gonzo said.
Kermit shook his head.
“How come you guys only have to go in twice?” Fozzie wondered aloud.
“Maybe because we’re not performers, and you are,” Jerry Juhl said.
“But that doesn’t explain why Rowlf and Camilla get two days off,” Don said.
Miss Piggy raised her snout slightly and stood very straight. “Maybe,” she said, wisely and carefully, “It’s because
vous are all human beings, and
we are-“ She looked around and dropped the sophisticated air. “Well-
not.”
They all looked at each other.
“That
is a point,” Frank said.
“Hm…” Jim said. “Based on species…”
“That’s discrimination!” Fozzie cried out. He hesitated. “Isn’t it?”
Kermit looked at his sheet. “They must think frogs are early risers,” he said. The latest he was to come in was eight o’clock.
Miss Piggy peered over his shoulder. “Ooh!” She put her hand on his shoulder and slung her other arm around him to hold her sheet next to his. “Kermie, look! We have to be there at the same time tomorrow!” she gushed. She pressed her cheek against his. “We’ll be
together!”
Kermit gulped. “Uh, yeah,” he said, carefully breathing only through his mouth. “Except that you’re in room one and I’m in room eight.” He stepped out of her embrace.
She stepped towards him again. “But we can still walk there together, can’t we?” Her eyes sparkled as she leaned closer. “Just-
vous and
moi?”
He turned away from her slightly. “I think we should figure out where we’re staying tonight before we worry about tomorrow,” he said as matter-of-factly as he could.
“Kermit?” Fozzie said, “I’m hungry.”
“There’s a restaurant right over there,” Jim said, pointing.
The group swept towards it, hardly glancing before crossing the street.
“Uh- Jim?” Kermit said hesitantly.
Jim stayed on the curb with Kermit. “Hm?”
Kermit shifted his weight. “Well Jim, ah- I don’t know how to tell you this, but uh- well, all of the ‘non-humans’ are out of money.”
Jim put his hand on Kermit’s back. “I’ll take care of that.”
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