Flight of the Golden Albatross: A Muppet Mystery

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Yes, Richard arrived at the station and checked in well before departure time, so pigs must be flying.

Miss Piggy: Ahem...

Then again, pigs might be flying - in a later chapter, that is. And we'll see more of the Muppet performers later on. In the meantime, have a look at this one.

***

Chapter Six and a half: Thoughts

From an unidentified journal

From my view of the platform, I see that Kermit and his little entourage have boarded the train.

They are on the right track, if you’ll excuse the too-obvious joke. But there are well over a hundred passengers and fifteen crew members on this train, and do they really expect to find the thief among them?

Yes, I know you’re rooting for the Muppets, leisurely reader, but stop giving me those dirty looks. I have more brains in my head than they do in their little fingers…no, wait, is it the other way around?

I cast a gaze at the green lacquered box sitting next to me on the seat. I take out the key, undo the box’s lock and open it.

The Golden Albatross stares back up at me.

How much will this not-so-little painted bird of paradise fetch back in Greater Burden?

The Craw of the Albatross, the giant ruby set in the bird’s stomach, is worth nearly half a million alone…and the jewels on the necklace collar would make a few nice rings or brooches. I think my sister-in-law would like that squiggly little sapphire near the clasp.

It was almost too easy – the master list of combinations for the room safes on the Maldemer was left out on the chief steward’s desk. And that idiot, Link, snored like…well, a pig.

But with the Muppets just a few cars behind me…that makes things a little more difficult. But also much more interesting.

My two sidekicks are waiting to board the train at Withering Glances, the next station on the route.

The whistle blows, and we’re off.

So, Kermit, who will be the winner when the train arrives at St. Pancreatitis station tomorrow night?

I close and lock the Albatross’s box, and rest my hand on top of it. Time will tell.

***

Feel free to boo and hiss a bit if you want.

Chapter seven will follow soon, with commentary from the piano player in the lounge car.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Boo, hiss....

I'm kidding actually. I like that you wrote a chapter from this viewpoint! Certainly adds more interest and intreuge to an already interesting story! I imagine the suspense will only continue to build, so please, keep it coming!

 

[JEANYLASER]

yeah! i need to see more suspense! I want to read more!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

"Hey, Waldorf, I'm going to go get something from the lounge car. You want anything?"
"Ask them if they serve halfway entertaining stories."
"Hmmm...that'd be asking the impossible."

I'll pretend I didn't hear that, guys. And now, off to the Muppet Express' well-stocked buffet-lounge car for a snack, and for a few words from Rowlf.

***

Chapter Seven: Meanwhile, in the Lounge Car…

Interview with Rowlf the Dog, composer, passenger and frequent in-house piano player on the Muppet Express

Oh, hi. The name’s Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog. I’m a piano player, I write, and perform, a lot of my own tunes…but I’ll take requests if you beg enough…I know all about begging; first thing they taught us in obedience school.

Sure, I’ve heard all about the Golden Albatross. Heard a bunch of passengers whispering about it as they came aboard. I’m no expert on ancient jewelry or artifacts or any of that other stuff. Thought they were talking about Big Bird at first…but Big Bird doesn’t weigh half a ton and hang around your neck like a ball and chain. I mean, who’d want to wear something like that? Flea collars are bad enough, in my opinion.

So, where were we…oh yeah, the Albatross. Some people were wondering if the thief was on the train. Oh, well, it’s never boring on the Great Train of Pigs, Frogs and Things. That’s what they call it in the brochures at the travel agency.

The Muppet Express goes between Greater Burden and Mis-En-Scene a few times a week. I travel a lot, see, and the guys let me doodle around on the piano here when I’m aboard. It’s a good gig. The food in the dining car’s pretty good, and Alan will take care of you here in the lounge car if you want a snack.

“Okay, Ernie, here’s your order, one hot cocoa for you and a Figgy Fizz for Bert. Big Bird, we’ve got your birdseed milkshake and Snuffy’s ice cream float!”

See, what’d I tell you – hey, Alan, you want to pass me a few more of those dog biscuits while you’re at it? Thanks, pal – playing Chopin kinda makes me hungry.

Anyway, the beds are comfy enough, the crew’s nice, scenery’s nice, and all that…but that trip through the Failed Pass and the Molehill Mountains kinda makes you seasick.

In fact, it kinda makes you sick as a dog! (laughs) But I digress.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah...we were just out of Mis-En-Scene...no, wait, we just stopped at Withering Glances...and I was playing “You and I and George.”

“That’s excellent piano playing, Rowlf.” A guy standing next to the piano said.

“Thanks, pal," I said.

“You appear to have had classical training.”

“Nope, nothing more than sit, stay, fetch, roll over and play dead.”

He was wearing a gray suit and black tie, and he looked like a stockbroker or something – some job that earned a lot of dough. He seemed friendly enough, but he didn’t seem too pleased to see that group of passengers over there by the window. They're from car 13; guess he’s got triska…trisko…tris…uh, fear of the number 13.

Then again, the frog and the bear looked like they were cops. Personally, I’d be more worried if one of them was a dogcatcher.

On second or third thought, that evening dress the lady pig had on would be enough to frighten most of us, ya know?

“Watch it, flea bait,” she snapped.

Wow…frightening and telepathic.

I was midway through “Melon-Baby Collie” when the train bounced over a switch and sent my music off the stand. Gotta get some clips for that…

“Here, I’ll get that.” A red-haired girl who looked like she oughta be digging up tombs in Egypt leaned over and picked up the music.

“Thanks, lady.” I put the music back on. “What’s your name?”

“Skeeter Hunt.”

“Nice to meet you. The name’s Rowlf. So where you off to, Skeeter? India? Mexico? Hoboken?”

“Greater Burden. I’m helping hunt down the Golden Albatross.” She nodded toward the others. They were sitting down and chatting with Ernie and Bert and the others.

“Good for you – don’t have any Golden Albatrosses here but I can sing about the Bluebird of Happiness.” I laughed, finished the song and turned to look at the group. “But seriously, you guys let me know if you need any help. I am a bird dog, after all.”

“Oscar, we’ve got your moldy oranges and your brown banana peels! Come and get them before the health inspector does!” Alan called.

The guy who had been standing by the piano made a face like he was eating a lemon and left the car.

Alan gave Oscar his fruit salad and started heating up a large dish of cherry cobbler and a pot of vanilla custard.

Dinner must be delayed tonight – guess the Chef had trouble with the steering-wheel soufflé again.

“Eeesh de bork der steering wheel souffley-mouffley!” came a loud voice from the dining car.

Yup – definitely the steering wheel soufflé. Janice will be pleased.

***

Chapter eight is kind of tied up at the moment. I'll have it along eventually.

 

[CensoredAlso]

Chapter eight is kind of tied up at the moment. I'll have it along eventually.

Oh I've been there! Lol

I'm sure it will be great, keep up the good work!

 

[JEANYLASER]

Awesome!

 

[The Count]

Hee... Just read this one. Laughed at all the cameos and some of the humor... If you want Fozzie to narrate, just keep that same sort of frame of mind. Throw in some good groaner jokes. Basically, write it for Fozzie as if Richard was in control of the writing. I know that'll help you immensely. Oh yeah, throw in da rat, his food critiques could help ya flow from dis chapta to the next with da Fraggles. Hope this helps. Now then...

*Goes to buy a few chocolate bats and jug of pumpkin juice from the trolley cart.

 

[JEANYLASER]

cool!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Took your advice and threw da rat in, Ed - thanks!

Okay, everyone, sorry for the delay, but chapter eight of Albatross will be up sometime this afternoon.

 

[JEANYLASER]

good i can't wait to read it!