Chapter 9
Having successfully been given a tour of the castle and those who reside in it (and having done so while the omniscient narrator was coincidentally grabbing a bite to eat from Maroni’s Macaroni Emporium—highly recommended. You know—the place down on Third Street? I met a
really cute waitress there once, we talked, I left her my phone number… but unfortunately she thought it was the tip. I knew I should’ve never started writing commas instead of hyphens when I write phone numbers. It’s dangerous, I tell ya!), Robin the Nephew of Kermit the Brave and Valiant Knight and Sweetums the Captain of the Guard made their respective ways into the throne room.
“Gee, Sweetums,” Robin said cutely, “thanks so much for showin’ me around the castle! I didn’t realize it was so
big!”
Sweetums nodded his shaggy head. “Yup, the Princess’s servants need a lot of room,” the monster guard said.
“Why’s that?” Robin asked curiously.
“So they can hide from the Princess, of course!” Sweetums said with a chuckle.
The large door across the throne room from where Robin and Sweetums were talking pushed open loudly. Sweetums gulped. “Speakin’ of hiding,” he said, “ya better get behind me, little buddy!”
“Why?” Robin asked.
“The rest of the castle doesn’t exactly know you’re here… so for now it’s just a good idea if you stay hidden,” Sweetums explained, pushing the little frog behind his leg.
Sam strutted himself in to center of the throne room and approached Sweetums, not knowing of the little frog hiding behind the burly monster. “Good day, captain Sweetums! All fine and under control here in the kingdom, I assume?” the eagle asked.
Sweetums nervously cleared his throat. “Yes sir, everything’s all under control! Nothing’s amiss! Everything’s a frog—er… everything’s… just fine!”
“Good, captain Sweetums, good!” Sam said. “You know we’re being more and more cautious nowadays—what with that untrustworthy frog being within our midst earlier.”
“I thought he was trustworthy,” Sweetums mumbled.
“Hmph!” Sam scoffed. “Hardly. He was eyeing everything with a mind to steal it, I’m sure of it. What we should have is
insurance!”
“I thought we already got plague insurance if we were employed here,” Sweetums said.
“Plaque insurance?” Sam asked. “No, no, no! We don’t get
dental! Only health! I’m saying we need
castle insurance!”
Sweetums scratched his helmeted head. “Why would we need castle insurance?” he asked.
Sam sighed heavily. “So we’re insured when the frog steals everything once he becomes king!” Sam explained.
“So you
do think the frog’ll win?” Sweetums asked.
“I said no such thing!” Sam said, offended.
“Sure ya did!” Sweetums said. “You said once he becomes king he’ll steal everything!”
Sam frowned and stared down at the floor. “Yes, I guess I did say that,” he mumbled. “But I did
not mean to imply that he would
indeed become king.”
“Hey!” Robin shouted, unable to control himself any longer. “My Uncle Kermit is the
best choice for king! He’s brave, and valiant, and… brave and valiant!” Robin declared, now moved out from behind Sweetums’ leg. “I don’t think
you know what you’re talking about!”
Sweetums bit his bottom lip (this is no easy task when, for starters, your bottom lip is your
only lip, and also when your mouth is as big as Sweetums’). He coughed nervously, pushing Robin back behind his leg. “Nasty cough I’ve got, huh boss? Sounds just like a little bitty frog insulting your intellect! I don’t know where I got it! Good thing we have health insurance!”
Sam looked from the small green frog that disappeared behind Sweetums’ ankle to the captain of the guard’s face. “Something does not seem right here!” Sam declared. “The insulting frog cough allergy isn’t in season!” Sam stared at Sweetums, piercing the monster’s resolve. “How did you catch it?”
Sweetums blinked. He coughed again quickly. “Erm… dunno, boss. Maybe I should see the medic?”
“You can not see the
medic,” Sam said. “He succumbed to insulting frog cough just last spring, remember?” Sam sighed mournfully and shook his head. “Such a shame… with his last words he told me I was a terrible employer and needed a toupee… whatever that may be.”
“Wait a sec…” Sweetums said, “Didn’t the medic just transfer castles?”
Sam stared for a moment, thinking about this. “That
would explain why he never entered the frog phase of the insulting frog cough allergy…”
The eagle shook his head fiercely. “Never mind all this nonsense!” he said. “Return to your post, captain Sweetums! We must be ever vigilant!” Sam nodded once then turned to leave the throne room.
As soon as the bird was out of ear shot, Sweetums let out a relieved sigh. “That was close, Robin… don’t put me in that position again, alright, little buddy?”
There was no response from the little frog.
“Little buddy?” Sweetums asked, turning around.
As he turned, he realized (quite suddenly, actually) that Robin was, indeed, not standing there any longer.
Sweetums gulped. “Well… that’s not good.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Robin had meandered casually (and unknowingly) into the menagerie in the back yard of the castle. (Do castles
have back yards?) He was marveling at the ornate topiaries and plants scattered throughout when a door at the base of a massive tower flew open.
A small red lobster, a large green… blob, and a goat darted out (we know these objects as Polly, Monty, and Clueless) of the door, arguing with each other (of course).
Robin watched this for a moment and then realized that this arguing mob was coming right towards him.
The three bodies collided with the little frog and all three of them wound up on the ground in a heap.
“Geez, watch it will ya?” Polly said, jumping up and dusting himself off with his claw. “We’re
tryin’ to—” Polly stopped. He observed the little green frog he landed on. “Say… you’re a
frog, ain’t ya?”
Clueless helped Robin up (because that’s just the kind of person Clueless is) and the little frog collected himself. “Um… yeah, I guess so,” Robin said. “Who… are you?”
“We’re Clueless and—” Clueless started (before Polly stomped on his toe).
“Yeah, just clueless!” Polly said quickly. “We’re kinda lost… any idea which way we should be going?”
Robin scratched his head. “Well… I guess that depends on
where you’re trying to
get.”
“Good point,” Mad Monty said.
“Quiet, Monty!” Polly hissed. “Uhh… we’re lookin’ for… the food court!”
“Ooh!” Clueless shouted eagerly. “I hope they have a Sbarro!”
Polly, Mad Monty, and Robin stared at Clueless. “What?” Clueless asked. “I
like pizza slices as big as my head!”
“Erm…” Robin said nervously, trying to keep character. “What’s… what’s pizza?” he asked, very obviously trying to get the time-line back on track.
“You’ve never had
pizza?” Clueless asked. “Boy,” the dumb goat laughed, “he has no idea
what he’s missing!”
“I know what
you’re missin’!” Polly shouted. “About four dozen brain cells!”
“I’ve been
looking for those!” Clueless said.
Polly rolled his eyes. “See what I mean?”
“Yeah…” Robin said nervously. “Um… I don’t
think there’s a food court here. Sweetums—my friend, Sweetums, the captain of the guard—took me on a tour of the
whole castle and I didn’t see one.”
Polly gulped audibly. “Y—you’re friends with… the captain of the guard?” he asked.
“Oh, yeah!” Robin said. “He calls me his little buddy!”
“Ya… ya don’t say,” Polly said, laughing nervously. “Well it’s been nice talkin’ to ya, kid! Sorry we’ve got to run—fast! Ha ha! Uh… bye!”
Polly began to run off away from Robin while Clueless and Monty stood still. Polly muttered something foul and ran back. “That means
run, you idiots!”
“Oh!” Clueless said. “Sorry. You weren’t very specific.”
“I said ‘we’ve got to run—fast!’” Polly shouted.
“Oh,” Monty said. “I missed that.”
Robin watched as the three bumbling fools bumbled off in the distance.
“Well
that was weird,” the little frog said to himself.
As he started to walk off Robin’s eyes caught the door the three fools had burst through earlier. His innate, five year old curiosity overcame him and he slowly began to move towards the door, forgetting entirely the fate of the cat who succumbed to curiosity before him.
He reached up his little green hand and turned the door knob, staring in awe at the huge expanse of stairs before him.
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