Chapter 18
“Why would you say that?” Gonzo asked with a huff.
“I thought it was obvious,” Fozzie said.
Gonzo scoffed. “Hardly!” he said. “It’s completely ridiculous—and I should know!”
Kermit sighed and looked down at his two bickering companions. “What are you two arguing about?” he asked.
“Fozzie says Queen Guinevere is the fairest wench in the land!” Gonzo shouted, sounding appalled at such an assumption.
The frog stared at the weirdo. “…Isn’t she?” Kermit asked.
“That’s what I said!” Fozzie whined.
“No!” Gonzo shouted. “Not even close!”
Kermit looked down at his squire. Scooter shrugged. The knight turned back to the duke. “Prithee then, fair duke, who is the fairest wench in the land?” he asked.
“Prithee?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit shrugged. “Sounded Middle-Aged,” he said blankly.
“The fairest wench in the land,” Gonzo said, “is Petunia!”
Kermit pulled back on the horse’s reins. He, Scooter, Fozzie, and the horse (yes, even the horse) turned and stared at the long-nosed blue thing.
Gonzo’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell me that you’ve never heard of Petunia!” he gasped.
The four gaping travelers shook their heads.
“But… I thought legends of her beauty graced the bars all across Arthurian England!” Gonzo said with a tone that sounded like he was reexamining his entire life’s meaning.
“Not any bars I’ve played,” Fozzie said.
“You haven’t played any bars,” Scooter said.
“Oh, right,” Fozzie sighed.
“But… I have a portrait of gorgeous Petunia hanging on my bedroom wall!” Gonzo said.
“Who is she, Gonzo?” Kermit asked finally.
“Why, King Arthur’s bodacious bovine, of course!” Gonzo said.
Every mouth present (other than Gonzo’s) (and including a squirrel passerby) fell agape. “A… cow?” Kermit asked slowly.
“Of course!” Gonzo said. “What else?”
Fozzie looked up at Kermit. “Can I please milk this for all it’s worth?” the bear asked. “Ahh! Get it? Wocka! Wocka!”
“Oh, good grief,” Kermit sighed, snapping the horse’s reins and moving on.
“What?” Gonzo asked. “What!”
“Hey, hey!” Fozzie shouted. “Lemme guess what she said when they were painting the portrait—Cheese! Ahh!”
Scooter groaned.
“Gonzo, be careful, you don’t want your children to inherit her beefy genes!” Fozzie joked. “Wocka! Wocka!”
“Kermit, stop this!” Scooter begged.
“—udderly ridiculous!”
“Kermit, please!” the squire whined.
“—moo-ve over! Ahh!”
“Boss, c’mon, this is just ridiculous!” Scooter said.
“—Hugh Hoofner!”
“Alright! Alright!” Kermit shouted. “That’s enough, Fozzie!”
“Thank you!” Scooter shouted.
Fozzie looked down at his feet as he shuffled along, defeated, behind the others. Gonzo turned around, walking backwards and grinned at the bear. “See, Fozzie? It’s true what they say, you mess with the bull, and you get the horns! Ha ha ha!” the weirdo laughed.
Kermit scrunched up his face and shook his head. “Sheesh,” he sighed.
“Hey, boss, what’s that?” Scooter shouted, pointing ahead of them.
Up on a small hill there was a small house next to a river. A water wheel was connected to the side of the house and was being propelled by the flowing current of the river. Connected to the house was a small fenced off portion of the pasture.
“What the hey?” Kermit asked skeptically. “What do you suppose that is?”
“Who knows?” Gonzo asked. “But that wheel sure looks like it would be fun to run on!”
“Funny you should mention that,” a light, precise voice said from behind the travelers. “We’ve been looking for a new guinea pig!”
Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, and Scooter turned around. They saw, emerging from the forest, a stubby, bald, round-headed, green-skinned man wearing glasses (though he had no eyes). Walking next to him was a cylindrical head topped with orange hair, bulging, permanently freaked out eyes, and a long orange nose.
“Who are you?” Fozzie asked.
“I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is my assistant, Beaker,” the green man said, motioning to himself and then the other fellow.
“Mee meep,” Beaker squeaked, waving at the others.
“What’d he say?” Scooter asked.
“Why, hello, of course,” Dr. Honeydew said.
“Why does he talk like that?” Fozzie asked. “Did an evil wizard curse him?”
Bunsen stared at the bear. “Sure,” he said. “Let’s go with that.”
“Excuse me for asking, Dr. Honeydew,” Kermit said, “but what exactly are you doing?”
“I’m glad you asked,” Bunsen said. “Beaker and I were just in the forest gathering ingredients for our latest experiment! Isn’t that right, Beakie?”
Beaker nodded. “Mee me!”
“Experiment?” Kermit asked.
“Yes,” Bunsen said with a nod. “Now, if you don’t mind my asking, who are you chaps?”
“I am Kermit the Frog,” Kermit said, “brave and valiant knight. This is Scooter, my squire, Fozzie, my bear, and Gonzo, my… whatever. We’re embarked on an epic journey to find the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV.”
“Oh, you don’t say!” Dr. Honeydew said, excitedly. “Beaker and I have been searching for that for years!”
Kermit gulped. “Years?” he asked.
“Why, yes,” Bunsen said, “but Beakie here is a sucker for curio stands, so we never really got very far.”
“Mee me meep!” Beaker said gleefully.
“Well what do you do now?” Scooter asked.
“We live in that house over there, perfecting useful inventions to finally bring us out of the Dark Ages!” Bunsen explained.
“Painfully useful inventions?” Gonzo asked, eyes widened with excitement.
“Only for Beaker,” Dr. Honeydew said with a wispy laugh. “Would you like to come in and see them?”
“Of course we would!” Gonzo shouted.
“Gonzo, we really don’t have time for—” Kermit started.
“Boss, wait,” Scooter said, “maybe they’ve got some hot tips on how to get to the chalice. They have been searching for it.”
Kermit nodded. “Good point,” he said. “Dr. Honeydew, we’d love to.”
“Oh, excellent!” Dr. Honeydew said, clapping his hands excitedly.
Bunsen and Beaker led the others to their small house. A sign hung above the door that read “MUPPET LABS” in bold, black letters. Kermit tied off the horse to a rail in front and joined the others for a grand tour.
“You’ll have to excuse our mess,” Bunsen said. “We’re right in the middle of perfecting our latest invention.”
“Oh, really?” Fozzie asked. “What’s that?”
Bunsen opened the door, and the breeze from outside blew in. It swept up hundreds of white feathers off the floor and blew them around the house.
Fozzie started to sneeze uncontrollably.
“We call it the Pillow-Stuffer 8000,” Bunsen said proudly. “Unfortunately, we have nowhere to store all of these pesky loose feathers.”
Fozzie sneezed. “Dey seeb ad hobe id my node,” he said, wiping his nose.
“Where do you get all of these feathers?” Gonzo asked, sweeping the room over with his eyes.
“Chickens, of course!” Dr. Honeydew said.
“Mee mo!” Beaker added.
“Chickens?” Gonzo asked.
“Yes, indeed!” Bunsen said. “They live right in our backyard! You can see them through that opening.” The doctor pointed to an opening in the side of the house where a makeshift conveyer belt, presumably connected to the water wheel, was turning slowly.
“How does it work?” Scooter asked, moving in to examine it more closely.
“It’s quite simple really,” Bunsen said. “Show them, Beaker!”
“Meep.” Beaker nodded.
Kermit and the others watched as Beaker crawled through the opening. The squeaky freaky picked up a chicken. It began to peck at him ravenously. “Mee mee mee mo mee meep!” he screamed as he ran the chicken towards the conveyor belt. He placed the poultry upon it and the chicken slowly moved toward the house.
As it reached the opening, Bunsen jumped out from beneath the conveyor belt. “Boogedy boogedy boo!” he shouted.
“BAGAWK!” the chicken clucked loudly, completely freaked right out of her feathers.
Literally.
Feathers flew everywhere as the frightened chicken molted completely right in front of her observers.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “That’s it?” he asked.
“Yes,” Bunsen said, “it’s the latest in revolutionary technology from Muppet Labs!”
“I’d hate to see the pre-revolution technology,” Scooter muttered.
“What do you think?” Dr. Honeydew asked with a smile.
“It’s terrible!” Gonzo shouted. “It’s cruel—it’s unusual—and not in a good way!”
“I’m sorry?” Bunsen asked.
“How could you do that to such stunning creatures?” Gonzo asked.
“Oh, good grief,” Kermit sighed.
“Chickens are beautiful! They don’t deserve this treatment!” Gonzo shouted.
“Oh, nonsense, Mister Gonzo,” Bunsen said. “Here, watch another one, then you’ll be convinced. Beaker!”
“Mee me!” Beaker replied.
The assistant picked up another chicken, one with notably blue eyelids, and placed her on the conveyor belt.
Gonzo’s eyes widened. “You had to pick the most beautiful one!” he shouted. “Well… not on my watch!”
Before Kermit could realize what was happening, Gonzo had grabbed the frog’s sword from its sheath and had dived onto the conveyor belt. “Viva la Poultry!” he shouted wildly.
The weirdo charged forward against the movement of the conveyor, and wrapped the chicken in his arms. “Hold on, my sweet little nectarine!” he told the shaking chicken.
Gonzo dove, nose first, off the belt, landing right on top of Beaker. “Chicken Liberation!” the duke shouted. “No more Beaks of Burden!”
The weirdo of Wherever darted forward with Kermit’s sword, slicing at the fence that restrained the chickens. The wood cracked and split as Gonzo hacked away at it (Beaker even got a splinter).
When a sizeable hole was formed in the fence, the chickens began to mobilize. Gonzo, still holding the blue eyed chicken he’d saved, hopped atop the remaining fence posts and held his sword high above his head. “Be free, chickies! Your peeps are silent no more!” he shouted, laughing heroically. “The cluck stops here!”
Kermit, Fozzie, Scooter, and Bunsen stared at the mess of a backyard Muppet Labs was left with.
Kermit gulped audibly. Fozzie put his hand on the frog’s back. “Well, Kermit, one thing is for sure,” the bear said.
“What’s that, Fozzie?”
“No one can ever accuse Gonzo of being chicken,” Fozzie said blankly. “Ahh!” he shouted suddenly. “Wocka! Wocka!”
Kermit sighed meekly and lowered his head.
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