Chapter 22
Kermit carefully wrapped his spindly green fingers around the rusty doorknob. He listened carefully before pushing the door forward, as the sound of metal being hammered by (presumably smoldering hot) metal echoed inside the hut.
The brave and valiant knight jumped as a hand tapped him gently on the shoulder. He glanced back and saw Fozzie standing behind him. “Sorry,” the bear said, “I was just wondering if you were planning to go in, Kermit.”
“Look, Camilla, I think Kermit’s scared!” Gonzo said to the chicken.
“Brawk bawk baw,” Camilla clucked in a demeaning tone.
Gonzo’s eyes widened. “He’s a chicken too? Gee. A green and featherless chicken… I always was one for the brave and valiant type.”
“Brawk!” Camilla shouted, pecking Gonzo fiercely.
“Hey! You started it!” the Duke protested.
Kermit shook his head. “I think I’d rather be in there with the smoldering metal than out here with a smoldering chicken,” he said.
“You and me both, chief,” Scooter agreed.
“Time to go in then,” the frog said, slowly pushing the door forward.
Sparks flew inside the shack as the purple, catfish-faced Muppet with matted dreadlocks forcefully pounded a sword on an anvil. His eyes were covered by a shiny black object as he worked. The orange sparks glittered in the air until their bright existence was extinguished by cruel, unforgiving oxygen.
As Kermit’s green form emerged into the dark building only lit by the sparks and the roaring fire in the corner, the blacksmith glanced up from his work. He angrily threw the hammer to the ground and picked up the sword, quickly hurling it towards the frog.
Kermit yelped and ducked back behind the door as the sword connected with the wood and stuck, vibrating from the force of the collision.
“Man,” the blacksmith shouted, “I warned you pigs to stay out!” He cracked his knuckles. “Now you’re messin’ with the wrong guy.”
“But I’m not a pig!” Kermit shouted from behind the door.
“Unless there’s a mosquito swarm near by,” Scooter interjected.
“None of us are pigs, actually!” Kermit added, ignoring his squire.
The blacksmith scratched his head and opened the door. He stared down at the frog, bear, squire, chicken, and thing from behind his shiny black eye covering. “Oops,” he said. “My bad.” He extended his hand out for Kermit to shake. “Name’s Clifford, sorry about that. Guess I didn’t get a good look at you.”
“I’m not surprised!” Scooter said. “Look at those things on your eyes, they’re pitch black!”
“What? These?” Clifford asked, removing the sleek black glasses from his face. “Nah, man, I can see through these! They’re glasses.”
“No,” Gonzo said, snatching Scooter’s glasses right off of his face (leaving nothing but… a face, without eyes), “these are glasses!”
Scooter grabbed his glasses back from the weirdo. “Gimme those, Gonzo! You know I’m blind without my glasses,” the squire muttered.
Clifford shook his head. “These glasses are of my own invention,” he said proudly. “I call ‘em shrapnelglasses.”
“Shrapnelglasses…?” Kermit asked.
“Nice, huh?” Clifford said, crossing his arms proudly.
The frog shrugged. “I don’t think they’ll ever catch on,” he said.
Clifford shrugged. “We’ll see, frog, we’ll see.” The blacksmith twirled the glasses around his finger and slung them back over his eyes. He pulled the sword out of the door and walked back towards his anvil. “So what brings you cats here? You ain’t lookin’ for trouble, are ya?”
“After that sword throw?” Kermit said, his face squirming. “No way.”
Fozzie moved forward excitedly. “Kermit here is on a noble quest,” the bear said. “He’s a knight, you know. He’s out searching for the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV so he can become king by marrying the pig princess and breaking the law!”
Kermit scrunched up his face and looked at Fozzie. “Cute, cute phrasing,” the frog said.
“What sort of law?” Gonzo asked. “Physics?”
“Gonzo, you know what kind of law!” Scooter said.
“Yeah,” the weirdo agreed, “but with our luck we’ll probably have to break the laws of physics too!”
Clifford stared at the things in his workshop with the sword slung over his shoulder. “Man, you guys are weird,” he said.
Kermit sighed. “Sorry about that,” he said. “Listen, Clifford, we were wondering if you could lend us a hand.”
“I’ve got two of ‘em,” Clifford jested with a laugh. “What’s up, Kerm?”
“Well, like Fozzie said, we’re headed for the cave of the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV—” Kermit started.
Gonzo zipped in front of the frog. “And there could be untold series of tests and tribulations filled with danger, suspense, injury, and death!” the weirdo shouted excitedly. “Wanna come?”
“Erm, right,” Kermit said. “You don’t really have to come, Clifford. I was just wondering if I could maybe possibly borrow a sword.”
Clifford whipped off his shrapnel-shades so he could raise his eyelids at the frog. “Heh,” he scoffed. “Sure ya can, man, for a price!”
“A price?” Kermit asked.
“Yeah, you know, cash, moolah, dinero?” Clifford asked. “I don’t do freebies, frog.”
Kermit frowned. “Well… we don’t really have any money on us right now.”
“Sorry, man. No cash, no slash,” Clifford said with a shrug.
“Ah, but wouldn’t you feel honored to grace your future king with a sword for his royal use?” Kermit asked.
Clifford smirked. “Nice try,” he said.
“It was a good try, Kermit,” Fozzie said.
Kermit frowned. “Well, now what?” he asked.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Polly Lobster was not pleased.
Those idiots had him tied to a rock in the middle of some lousy field.
They were standing over there on the other side of the field, hiding behind an even bigger rock, waiting.
What were they waiting for? Why was he tied to some stupid rock?
“Hey, Monty?” Clueless said.
“Yeah?” Monty asked.
“What are we waiting for?” the goat asked. “Why is Polly tied to some stupid rock?”
“You heard Uncle Deadly,” Mad Monty said. “He told us to tie Polly up in the middle of a field so he couldn’t get away!”
“Oh, right,” Clueless said, blinking. “Then what?”
Monty shrugged. “That’s all he said.”
“Oh, right,” Clueless said again. “So… we just wait?”
Mad Monty shrugged again. “I guess so.”
“UNTIE ME YOU MORONS!” Polly shouted from the middle of the field. “YOU’RE GONNA HEAR FROM MY LAWYER! I’LL HAVE YOU SUBPEONAED SO HARD YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT YA!”
Clueless blinked. “That doesn’t sound pleasant.”
Mad Monty shook his head. “Not at all.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Uncle Deadly stood over his crystal ball with his wand slowly twirling about. “Excellent,” he said, “target locked.”
“…Now?” Bobo asked.
“Yes now, you idiot!” Deadly shouted at the bear.
“Oh!” Bobo shouted. The bear rushed over, holding a large book. He dropped it in front of the dark wizard. “There ya go boss.”
“…This is the section on wagons,” Uncle Deadly said.
“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Bobo asked.
Uncle Deadly sighed heavily. “Never mind, I’ll do it!”
Deadly angrily flipped to the “D” section of the book. “There!” he said. “Now… let’s watch the fun!” He waved his wand above his head, directed it straight at the crystal ball, and said the magic words…
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Polly squirmed.
Polly wiggled.
Polly groaned.
Polly belched.
Polly watched, wide eyed, as smoke came out of his mouth.
Polly screamed as his tail started to extend.
Polly screamed even louder as his appendages started to thicken.
Polly avoided biting his tongue as massive fangs formed in his mouth.
Polly grinned as his body started to grow along with the rest of him.
The ropes snapped.
The rock smashed.
The lobster looked at himself.
The lobster didn’t quite feel like a lobster anymore.
Polly laughed.
“C’mon Clueless, Monty,” he said with a booming growl. “Let’s go get that stupid pig!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man is a Rolling Stone! Get it? Ahh!” Fozzie said. “Wocka! Wocka!”
Clifford folded his arms. He was not impressed. “Nope. Sorry man. That joke ain’t even worth a laugh—no way it’s worth a sword.”
Fozzie shrugged. “I guess the timing was bad.”
“A few centuries too bad,” Scooter said.
Kermit shook his head. “Well, that was my last hope,” he said.
“The hope before that was mine,” Scooter said.
Suddenly, outside, another hope made a loud crashing noise.
The door to Clifford’s shed burst open. Link, Strangepork, and Link’s horses came running through, screaming.
“Help! Help!” Link shouted, grabbing onto Fozzie. “It’s after us!” he moaned.
Fozzie looked down. “What is?”
“We don’t know!” Strangepork said. “It’s like nossing I’ve ever seen!”
“Was it me?” Gonzo asked.
“No!” Link shouted. “Worse! Bigger! Hideouser! Scarier!”
Gonzo’s eyelids rose. “What a nice compliment, eh, Camilla?”
“C’mon man,” Clifford said, “what could possibly be out there that’s so scary? A spider?”
“See for yourselves!” Link whined, pointing at the window coated with black ash.
“Fine,” Clifford said. He walked forward and wiped the ash off of the window. He took off his shrapnelglasses and peered outside. “…Oh, man! The pig’s right!”
Kermit and the others rushed to the window and looked out.
The monster was massive—bigger than anything Kermit had ever seen (but not bigger than anything Gonzo had ever seen—is anyone surprised?). It was a burnt red color with a long, spiky yet scaly tail that flattened and curved in a heart shape at the end. The monster had a hook for its front right leg; the front left leg was shaped like a claw. It had two other giant, crustacean-like appendages extending from both sides of its body. Its back was adorned with a large round shell looking growth with two medium wings growing out of it and a dark green patch on the left side. The head of the beast was the most frightening. Two, tall eye stalks graced the top of the fearsome beast’s head and long antennae grew out the back. As the creature roared, fire blew out of his fanged mouth.
Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight, turned away from the monster and looked at his friends (and Link’s party). As he watched them cower behind, he knew what he had to do.
He took a deep breath and turned to Clifford. “Can I borrow that sword now?” he asked.
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