Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

[ZeppoAndFriends]

*Eats the paper!*

Shame on you!

Now get that out of your mouth, lest I tell Splurge that you're a radish!

 

[LamangoNumber2]

I'm a turnup! I turn up when I ain't needed! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

*Wonders if Splurge likes turnups*

*Also wonders if the misspelling of turnips was intentional*

If you refuse to relinquish the paper I shall get Taminella to turn you INTO and radish that will then be fed to Splurge!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 21

The raucous yelling of Princess Piggy overwhelmed everyone within the small tower of Uncle Deadly. (Even the princess’s own army was starting to get annoyed.) “Let me go you twit!” she would shout at the dark wizard. “Do vous know who moi am?” She huffed. “My lawyer’s gonna hear about this!”

Unfortunately for the princess, her threats did very little good as Uncle Deadly cackled as he watched her dangle over a vat of boiling… hot stuff.

The princess’s entire army was chained up along the wall (Uncle Deadly got all of that chain for a really good deal at a flea market just south of Newark), helpless to help the helpless princess. (Yeah… I went there.)

It was just as Uncle Deadly was flipping through his book of magic spells to find a really nasty one (really nasty, it would’ve made her toenails glow orange!) to use on the princess that Bobo came toddling over towards the wizard. “Hey there, boss man. How’s it goin’ for ya? O-kay?” the bear asked.

Uncle Deadly looked up from his book and stared at the bumbling bear. “Fine, thank you. Why do you ask?” the wizard asked.

“’Cause I got Polly on the horn—and he’s definitely not doin’ okay,” Bobo said.

The evil mage rolled his eyes. “It’s always something with him…” Uncle Deadly sighed. “Fine,” he said, slamming shut his text book, “Where’s the crystal ball?”

“Where do ya think?” Bobo asked. “Still tied to that pedestal thing with all of that wire—you really should think about goin’ wireless, boss.”

“So I’ve been told,” Deadly said as he skulked over to his crystal ball. He dusted off his robe and checked his breath before speaking into it. “What did you do now, you bumbling idiot?” he shouted into the crystal ball.

Elsewhere, Polly Lobster jumped.

“Hey, boss,” Polly’s voice said from the other end of the crystal ball connection, “no big problems to report! Just checkin’ in on ya! How’s the torturin’ goin’? Sounds like a good time! Heh heh!”

Uncle Deadly was not as amused as his arthropod amigo (man, I’m good!). “What did you do now?” he asked again.

Polly gulped. “Well, uh, ya see boss… Clueless, Monty, and me were sittin’ here spyin’ on the frog like ya told us, right? Well… then that stupid pig prince came outta nowhere and started waving his sword around at us!” Polly explained.

The wizard rubbed his temple slowly. “And then what happened?” he asked calmly.

“That’s where it gets good!” Polly said. “Then, Monty and Clueless—those idiots—started arguin’ with me and we turn around and the pigs are gone!”

“What?” Deadly asked. “You let the frog’s only competition slip through your claws?” the wizard shouted.

“Claw, actually,” Polly said, holding up his hook-for-a-claw. “But yeah, it was really Monty and Clueless’s fault. I was just tryin’ to do my job and they—”

“Enough excuses!” Deadly shouted. “That was your last chance, Polly. Now… I’m taking matters into my own hands.”

Uncle Deadly watched Polly blink in the crystal ball. “Gee boss, how ya gonna do that when you’re all the way there? Plus, ya can’t leave! Not like you can just… I dunno, cast a magic spell that would turn all this around or somethin’.”

The blue flames that flickered in the dark tower illuminated the corner of Deadly’s mouth as he grinned an evil, yellow-toothed grin. “You think so, do you?” he asked. “We’ll see, Polly. We’ll see. Now go!” Uncle Deadly shouted. “Find that idiotic pig and stay with him.”

Polly shrugged lightly. “Alright boss, if you say so. But what about the frog?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about him,” Uncle Deadly said. “He’s a brave and valiant knight—he can find the chalice himself. You just worry about taking care of the pig.”

The lobster nodded firmly. “Got it,” he said.

“Good.” Deadly said, hanging up the crystal ball (don’t ask me how that works). “Men!” Deadly shouted.

Bobo, Crazy Harry, Andy, Randy, Johnny, and Sal came running up to their dark lord and master. “Yeah, boss?” Bobo asked, speaking for the whole group.

“Bobo, fetch me my spell book—turn the page to the ‘D’ section! Andy, Randy, Harry, guard the prisoners. Johnny? Sal? Fetch me some tea,” he ordered.

He quickly turned back to his crystal ball and waved his hands around it as it shown brightly. “Show me Kermit the Frog,” he told the glowing orb of crystal.

“Show me Kermit the Frog!” an unseen voice shouted.

Uncle Deadly turned around and looked at an elaborate game show set (with a host and everything—hence the voice). In the center was a large board with the words “Nowhere” and “Up a Creek” scrawled upon two separate sections. One more section was still covered.

A loud buzzing sound filled the tower. “Ohh, I’m sorry!” the host, a pointy-nosed, short, purple Muppet with slicked back hair and a plaid tunic, shouted. “Kermit the Frog is not up there. That’s only your second strike, so you’ve got one more chance to beat out the Hendersons for the title!”

“Oh, oh,” Uncle Deadly said nervously. “Can I hear the topic again?”


“Certainly!” the host said. “‘Name a place this story is going—and fast!’”

“Ahh…” Deadly said nervously.

“Pittsburgh!” Bobo shouted.

“Heck in a hand-basket! Heck in a hand-basket!” Sal clamored.

“That’s stupid, Sal!” Johnny said. “The Death Star!”

“Johnny Fiama says the Death Star!”

“Disney World!” Andy and Randy shouted in unison.

“Corporate synergy!” Crazy Harry cackled.

“Right! Umm… we’re going to go with… with Heck in a hand-basket!” Uncle Deadly decided.

“Show me ‘Heck-in-a-hand-basket!’” the host shouted at the board.

Another loud buzzing sound sounded. “Oh, I’m so sorry! That’s your third strike—which means! The Hendersons take the prize!”

A group of Muppets—obviously a family—jumped and cheered together in a huddle.

“Let’s see what the last response was,” the host said, motioning to the board. The third answer revealed itself, “Pittsburgh!” the host and an unseen audience said with a tone of “Ohhh.”

“I told ya!” Bobo shouted.

“I’m so sorry!” the host said. “This has been Louis Kazaggar with pointless, competitive cheap riffs on Family Feud on the Wide World of Muppet Sports!”

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Camilla, and Scooter (oh, and the horse, of course) continued to trundle on. This trundle, however, was quite different from the gang’s previous trundles—during this trundle they actually had directions to where they were going.

Yes, Beaker had squeaked out (and Bunsen had translated) precise directions to the cave of the chalice. All they asked for in return was Kermit’s sword (but you knew that).

“Pretty good deal back there, huh?” Gonzo asked. “Imagine if I hadn’t been there… think of how lost you guys would be now!”

Kermit scrunched up his face. “If you hadn’t been there, we could’ve calmly and politely asked Bunsen and Beaker if they knew about the chalice and then I would still have my sword,” the frog said.

“Well yeah,” Gonzo said, “but then I wouldn’t have met the love of my life!”

“Brawk bawk baw,” Camilla cooed, nuzzling against Gonzo’s chest.

“You decided that a little fast, don’t you think, Gonzo?” Scooter asked.

“The way I live life, you have to decide these things fast!” Gonzo said wildly.

“Yeah,” Fozzie said. “Gonzo doesn’t have time for a break. Ahh! Get it? Break? Brake? Wocka! Wocka!”

“Sheesh,” Kermit said, shaking his head. “Well, Gonzo, does the love of your life have the ability to be swung around to get us out of dangerous situations?”

Gonzo looked down at Camilla, eyes wide. “Gee, I dunno! But if she can’t, I sure can! Ha ha!”

“Great,” Kermit said, “My sword’s already bent out of shape.”

“Don’t worry, chief!” Scooter said. “I’m sure we’ll find you a new one!”

“Yeah!” Fozzie said. “This is the Middle Ages—everyone has swords!”

“You don’t have a sword, Foz,” Scooter said.

Fozzie looked down at his waist. “Oh yeah…” he said. “Well neither do you.”

“I am a sword!” Gonzo said.

“Good grief…” Kermit sighed.

The horse suddenly brayed loudly, causing a ruckus randomly.

“Whoa, horse, whoa!” Kermit comforted the startled stallion. “Easy! What is it?”

“I think it’s that, Kermit,” Fozzie said, pointing ahead.

Sitting ahead of the group was a small shack with smoke exuding from the chimney. It was almost black with ash, yet there was no visible sign of a fire anywhere. Parked in front of the shack was none other than Link’s carriage—with his rude, crude horses (those which Kermit’s horse didn’t like much at all).

Kermit gulped. “Oh, that,” he said softly.

“C’mon, boss, don’t worry!” Scooter said. “You’ll be fine! I mean, we’ve got directions to the chalice, they don’t!”

“Ohh, Kermit, I don’t do well under pressure!” Fozzie whined. “What if I tell them?”

“Don’t worry, Fozzie. Maybe we won’t even have to—” Kermit started.

The door of the shack flew open. “Out! Out! Out!” a deep voice shouted as Link and Dr. Strangepork flew out of the door.

A tall, purple, catfish-faced Muppet with red and pink and purple dreadlocks and a beard and mustache to match stepped outside. He wore shiny, black objects over his eyes and had on an apron covered in black—part of it burned off completely.

“Man, you are stupid, pig,” the purple guy said to Link. “Did you really think I’d believe that you are a prince? Heh heh, man, no wonder that head of yours is so big—gotta keep the world’s supply of pudding somewhere!”

Scooter looked up at Kermit. “Oh, I like him, boss!” the squire said.

Kermit nodded. “He seems like a nice guy—and he’s either a blacksmith or a chef with too much pepper on his apron… either way, he’s probably either got a sword or a cleaver I could borrow!” the knight said.

“So we’re going down there?” Fozzie asked.

“I think we should,” Kermit said. “Maybe he’ll like us better than Link.”

“Bragawk baw,” Camilla clucked.

“Oh, honey, of course you like us better than Link,” Gonzo said.

Kermit shook his head. “C’mon guys,” he said, snapping the reins.

The horse didn’t budge.

“Oh, come on… don’t tell me the battery died,” Kermit said.

“Maybe he ran out of horsepower! Ahh!” Fozzie said.

“Can you run out of horsepower?” Scooter asked. “Isn’t it a set thing?”

“No, no,” Gonzo said, “if the horse works out at a gym his horsepower will increase!”

“Not that kind of horsepower,” Scooter said.

Gonzo stared at the squire. “What kind of horsepower are we talking about, then?” he asked.

“The kind in—Oh, never mind,” Scooter said.

“What’s wrong, horse?” Kermit asked. “We need to go down there!”

The horse forcefully shook his head, motioning towards Link’s horses.

“Oh, c’mon,” Kermit said, “are you really gonna let some bullies keep you from doing what you need to do?”

The horse quickly nodded.

Kermit scrunched up his face. “Alright, fine,” he said. “Fozzie, tie off the horse to that tree, will ya? We’ll walk down there.”

“We walk everywhere,” Scooter mumbled as the frog dismounted.

“Beg pardon?” Kermit asked.

“Nothing, never mind. Let’s get going!” Scooter said cheerfully.

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

Hidden in the bushes (of course) near the shack sat Polly, Clueless, and Monty.

“I can’t believe you guys actually found ‘em!” Polly whispered.

Monty shrugged. “They smelled like bacon—we just followed that!”

Polly rolled his eyes. “Right… hold on… lemme get the boss on the line,” he said.

“The line of what?” Clueless asked. “Scrimmage? I’m not ready for football season, Polly!”

“Shut up!” Polly hissed as he tried to communicate with Uncle Deadly using his very small mind.

“If you haven’t found the pig, I don’t want to hear it,” Uncle Deadly’s voice said in Polly, Clueless, and Monty’s heads.

“No, boss, we have!” Polly said. “Now what’s the plan?”

Elsewhere, Uncle Deadly grinned his evil grin again. “Clueless, Monty, take Polly into an open field. Big things are about to be coming his way.” Deadly cackled maniacally as the goat and the monster grabbed the lobster as they were told.

 

[TogetherAgain]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ! ! ! !
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
...IIII! OOO! UUUU! And sometimes YYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (...Don't ask how to pronounce that one.)

OH that was fantastic!

WIRELESS! and and and FAMILY FRICKIN' FEUD! (See? I can alliterate, too. ) And and and YEAH! ! ! !

And then and then and then CLIFFORD! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love the unidentified black stuff in front of his eyes. And Scooter LIKES him! (Of course he does. Clifford isn't dating Skeeter in this one. ...Actually, Skeeter isn't even IN this one... I don't think... huh! Anyway. I ramble. ...iRamble?) LOVE the poor horse of course, gettin' pushed around by the big bad bullies... And Kermit's cute little pep-talk that totally didn't work. And Scooter complaining about walking--I mean, HAPPY to follow Kermit ANYWHERE! Yes! And just the general sword talk! I am HAPPY!

And... After that last bit, I'm rather nervous, too.

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[ZeppoAndFriends]

Another great chapter Prawnie!

Again you leave me giggling like an idiot!

The Family Feud ripoff was GREAT!

Keep 'em coming! I'll be waiting with bells on!

*Ringy-ding-ding*

 

[The Count]

Mmm, I love the smell of fresh fic in the morning. *Hangs up crystal ball... That was a nice touch. I like Clifford's role here, he reminds me of Sanji from OnePiece. Now please post more of this sir... If you have the time what with your tireless search for Steve still ongoing.

 

[redBoobergurl]

How do you keep getting funnier with each chapter? I LOVED the Family Feud bit! That was just the best classic Muppet humor ever! Fabulous! Awesome that you are able to find time to write this awesome story, manage the Muppet Mindset and still do your college thing. I applaud you Prawnie!

 

[Muppetfan44]

Originally posted by theprawncracker:“Pittsburgh!” Bobo shouted.

“Let’s see what the last response was,” the host said, motioning to the board. The third answer revealed itself, “Pittsburgh!” the host and an unseen audience said with a tone of “Ohhh.”

“I told ya!” Bobo shouted.

HOORAY! So glad my city is in the story! Pittsburgh is awesome, and with all the chaos around here with the G20, definitely a good destination for the muppets!

Loved all the puns, references, and everything... Fantastic work as always! I can't wait to read more!

 

[LamangoNumber2]

*Spits out the paper, looks around, stuffs fic into his mouth!*