When Fozzie Lost His Funny

[ReneeLouvier]

I love this story so much, Mark! I can't believe I've not read it yet. Apperently I'm Scooter's girl, then. XD

Love the whole story, can't wait for more.

 

[redBoobergurl]

I love this story so much, Mark! I can't believe I've not read it yet. Apperently I'm Scooter's girl, then. XD

Love the whole story, can't wait for more.

Face it sissy, you created a pretty good match for him based on yourself and we all just love it to death so we've got to put you in all of our stories!

Sorry to muffin Mark.

 

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

~~~Meanwhile~~~​

Rizzo, along with the rest of the rats, was lending Beauregard a hand cleaning up the theater. Friday nights were always the biggest cleanup time, because there was an entire weekend before the stage would be needed again for another rehearsal, and the rats frequently added a few extra dollars to their small paychecks as assistant weekend janitors. As he skated around the backstage on his scrub brush skates -- custom made by Beau when he realized the rats’ affinity for cleaning if they could turn it into a game -- a nearby phone rang. Rizzo ignored it for several rings, because typically someone picked up the phone in the office, but the ringing went unanswered. Eventually, Rizzo became concerned about Kermit missing an important call (they had been without an answering machine for several days since Bunsen's Muppet Labs phone had a crisis of identity and declared itself a toaster) and he picked up the receiver.

"Hey, thanks for calling Muppet Theater," Rizzo said with his distinct accent. "What can I do for ya?"

"Kermit the Frog, please," said an authoritative voice. "And quickly. I haven't time to wait on hold," continued the voice with poorly restrained contempt.

"Sure, sure" said Rizzo testily. "Just a minute there, I'll get him."

La-de-da. I'm a grumpy idiot and I expect everything my way, Rizzo muttered under his breath as he gently set the receiver down.

"Well you're just going to have to wait a minute or two, Mr. Impatient," Rizzo declared out loud as he headed across the theater.

When he arrived at the office, Rizzo didn't bother knocking. Kermit was almost always in late on Fridays working on the lineup for the next week, and he had a very open door policy when it came to his friends. And Rizzo knew he wouldn't be on the phone, anyway, since the grumpy guy was still holding.

"Hey there, Kermit," he said as he bustled in the door. "There's a guy on the phone who wants to talk to ya. If I were you, I'd wait a few minutes before picking up, it'd teach him a good lesson. The way he talked to me when ..." Rizzo's voice trailed off as he finally glanced up and realized the frog's desk was abandoned.

"Kermit?" Rizzo asked as he poked around under the desk and in various corners of the cluttered room. "Hm. Guess he ain't here."

Rizzo stuck his head back out the door of the office and grabbed another rat as he skated past.

"Hey Chester, you seen Kermit tonight?"

"Oh, yeah Rizzo. I have. He headed out 'bout half an hour after the show ended. Seemed to be in a hurry. I thought it was weird, since he's usually here forever on Friday nights. He had Robin with him though, so I figured they were goin' somewhere together."

"Thanks Chester."

Chester skated off as Rizzo made to leave the office.

"Oh goody," Rizzo said to himself. "That means I'm gonna have to talk to the jerk again. I'm sure he'll be excited when I tell him Kermit ain't here."

Rizzo stepped out of the office, and then hesitated as a stray thought struck him. Before he could stop himself he was back in the office, clamoring into Kermit's big desk chair. He grabbed an official looking stamp and stamped a few blank papers, then shuffled them around and pretended to dictate a memo to himself into Kermit's ancient voice recorder. Enjoying the moment of fake power, Rizzo attempted to prop his legs up on the desk. Unfortunately, he forgot that a rat's legs were much shorter than a frog's legs and missed the desktop entirely, falling unceremoniously onto the floor with a loud thud. He rubbed his little rat head tenderly as he stood up, wincing until he spied the uneaten remains of a Snickers bar which Kermit had apparently dropped and forgotten lying under the desk. Forgetting temporarily about both the pain in his head and the pain on the phone, Rizzo enjoyed the snack. Only after he was finished did he remember there was an impatient man waiting on hold. He scrambled back onto the chair, hopped onto Kermit's desk, and picked up the phone receiver.

"Uh, hey there," he began nervously. "I hate to tell ya this, but Kermit already left for the night. You want me to write down a message for him? I can leave it on his desk and he'll see it when..."

"No. Thank you," the voice interrupted him. "I need to deal with this issue immediately. Give me the second in command."

"Um. Sure, okay," answered Rizzo. "Just a ...”

"Do NOT put me on hold again!" demanded the voice angrily.

" ... second," finished Rizzo, and he set down the receiver with a satisfying clunk.

Rizzo scurried back out of the room and flagged down Chester again.

"Chester, you know if anyone is still here?"

"Sure, Rizzo. There's Bubba, Fast Eddie, Yolanda, Tattooey, Masterson, The Birdman ..."

"I mean anyone besides us, Chester."

"Well, and there’s...”

"And besides Beau."

"Oh. Well yeah, a bunch of the guys stuck around tonight, actually. None of ‘em wanted to head out to their places yet. You know how lonely it gets without the Boarding House. They're in the canteen, I think."

"Thanks again, Chester," Rizzo said as he sped off towards the canteen.

When he arrived, he was pleased to note a number of the Muppet gang were still there, grouped around a table. Rowlf, wearing a thin green visor, was seated at the top seat surrounded by Floyd, Nigel, Clifford, Lubbock Lou, Marvin Suggs, Link Hogthrob, Pops, Bobo, and a few penguins. A handful of other Muppets were either watching over someone's shoulder or sitting at the counter while the Chef cooked up a late snack in the kitchen. Rowlf was just dealing out a new hand as Rizzo interrupted.

"Hey, hey guys! There's someone on the phone," started Rizzo.

"Well ask him what he wants, man" cracked Floyd is his slow manner.

"I did," said Rizzo, slightly annoyed at being interrupted. "He wants Kermit."

"The frog isn't down here," said Pops.

"Yeah," chimed in Clifford. "He plays a terrible hand of poker. He hasn't joined us since Beaker took him for his entire paycheck a few months back."

"I know that," said Rizzo impatiently. "Kermit left hours ago."

"Then why did you ask?" came the inevitable question from Link.

"Because," said Rizzo, "when I told the guy Kermit was gone, he asked for -- and I quote -- the second in command." Rizzo said the last bit in his best hoity-toity voice.

All eyes in the room turned towards Rowlf.

"What?" asked the dog. "I'm just the piano player. Clifford here knows more about running things than I do."

"Yeah Rowlf," offered someone from the back of the room. "But if this is something as important as Rizzo makes it sound, you'd better answer it. Everybody knows Kermit trusts you more than practically anyone else alive. And you've been around forever. People respect you."

Rowlf started to protest again, but quickly noticed the agreement in everyone else's eyes. They trusted Rowlf to speak for Kermit in his absence, and that was a real honor. And anyway, they were right. Nobody in the room knew Kermit better than Rowlf did, or had more time with the company. He WAS the best one available to represent them. Rowlf sighed and stood up.

"Alright, but the cards hold until I'm back, got it?"

Everyone nodded, and Rowlf walked up to Kermit's office. He picked up the phone, which had been sitting unattended now for nearly ten minutes, and cleared his throat.

"Can I help you?"

"Well it’s about time! I certainly hope you can help me. To whom am I speaking?"

"This is Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog."

"Rowlf? Yes, yes, I suppose you'll do."

"Glad to hear it," said Rowlf with only a very slight edge to his voice.

"Listen Rowlf," continued the voice. "This is Howie Cashum. Do you know who I am?"

"Course I do," said Rowlf, offended at the insult to his intelligence but trying hard to not let it show. "You..."

"I'm the president of WRLD broadcasting," said the man, utterly ignoring Rowlf's response. "The station which carries your show in both America and the United Kingdoms."

"And a few parts of Canada," Rowlf reminded him. But the man continued to act as if he did not hear Rowlf.

"Listen Mr. The Dog," said Mr. Cashum. Sweeps season is coming up, and WRLD has been trailing in the ratings all year long."

"Except in the 8-9 pm EST timeslot," Rowlf cut in again, determined to be part of the conversation. The timeslot he mentioned was home to the Muppets, a consistently strong performer for WRLD.

"It has been a very bad year for us, and we need some big programming to pull in big ratings during the sweeps, or we're looking at serious reprogramming issues across the board." He paused, indicating he was now ready to hear a response.

"Okay," said Rowlf, slightly confused but not particularly worried. The network couldn't afford to cut the Muppets, after all. "What's this got to do with us?"

"Come now, Mr. The Dog, you are smarter than that. What do you think it has to do with you?"

"You want a Muppet Special for the sweeps?" ventured Rowlf.

"Correct! In fact, we had a very specific Special in mind already."

"Delightful," muttered Rowlf under his breath. "Well, what should I tell Kermit, Mr. Cashum?"

"Tell him we want Fozzie Bear," said Cashum. "Fozzie has been polling very strong among all areas of our audience. People are used to specials with Kermit and Miss Piggy. They want something new, something different. You have twenty four hours to fax me a copy of the script for 'The Fozzie Bear Spectacular.' And no delaying. Remember, I control your show."

"Now might not be the best time for a Fozzie Special," ventured Rowlf. "Fozzie is dealing with some very personal...”

"Twenty four hours. And do not try my patience, Mr. the Dog. You may think your show is safe, but let me assure you it is not. If WRLD decides to bring on all new programming, we will have no problem eliminating EVERYTHING we currently run. Do you understand?"

"Whatever you say, boss," said Rowlf.

*click*

"Better find Kermit," said Rowlf to himself. "He's better at sorting these things out than I am."

Rowlf headed back to the canteen and loudly announced the dilemma. He finished by saying "So we need to find Kermit, gang. And Fozzie, I suppose."

"They wouldn't really cancel us, would they Rowlf?" asked Nigel, with a slight tremor in his voice.

"Yeah," added Chester, who had followed Rowlf downstairs to learn what all the hubbub was about. "We're the best thing they have going!"

"I dunno, guys," said Rowlf. "The man sounded pretty serious to me."

"Well let's find Kermit, then!" said Rizzo excitedly. "I ain't letting this show shut down!"

"That's right!"
"Yeah."
"Right on!"

The Muppets in the canteen all voiced their support, and once again all eyes turned to Rowlf.

"Okay, gang. Here's what we are going to do ..."

 

[redBoobergurl]

Ooh...it's getting intense! I like how everyone thought Rowlf would make a good second in command, in fact, I applaud it since I love Rowlf. Anyway, I really enjoyed this chapter and I really like what you're doing with this story. I hope to see some action of Fozzie on his date real soon! Keep up the good work!

 

[Kimp the Shrimp]

no fozzie please get you funny back

 

[Aaron]

Love this.

 

[Java]

More please!

 

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Six

Chatper Six

Beaker was a bit trampled, certainly bruised in spots, and thoroughly exhausted. But all things considered, it wasn't really too bad. Although most people didn't realize it, Beaker was a seriously tough cookie with an insanely high pain tolerance. A few crazed women chasing him was nothing compared to the results of many of Dr. Bunsen's more violent experiments. As Kermit helped Beaker dust himself off, Beaker took mental notes on the results of the shoe experiment. Dr. Bunsen would expect a full report when he returned, and Beaker was a dedicated scientist. Hey, he thought to himself, I'm not even on fire. It's been a red-letter day.

Meanwhile, Pepe sat weeping nearby over the ashed remains of a pair of shoes which most definitely were on fire. The shoes had been the prototype of a new experiment from Muppet Labs, and Pepe had wanted them badly. (*Note: for more on this, see chapters 3 and 4) As the ashes dimmed, he glanced around to make sure nobody was watching and scooped them up into a little plastic bag, which he tucked into a pocket.

Maybe if I rub the ashes all over my body, Pepe thought miserably to himself. When he finished stowing his goods, he walked over to Kermit and let out an exceptionally pitiful sigh.

"Why, Kermin? Why did jou do this to Pepe? Those shoes and I could have done great things together, hokay? And jou ... jou burned them up! Monster! I will not forgive jou for this, hokay? I will have revenge!" A weird look glazed over Pepe's teary eyes.

Kermit sighed in resignation. There were days when it felt like he spent his entire life trying to make other people feel better. But he couldn't help it ... it was in his blood. (Anyone who says frogs are cold blooded has obviously never met Kermit.)

"Pepe," started Kermit. "You don't want those shoes. You don't want women to like you because they've been tricked into it."

"Si, si, this is exactly what I want, hokay?"

"Oh come on, Pepe. You do need them. You're Pepe the Prawn ... "

"King Prawn," interrupted Pepe.

"Right, right. You're Pepe the KING Prawn. Women want you, men want to be you."

"This is true," muttered Pepe.

Kermit continued to stoke Pepe's ego. "You don't need help to attract women. You've got charisma."

"Si, charisma."

"You've got style."

"Si, si. I have more style than George Clooney, hokay?"

"You've got looks."

"I am a sexy, sexy prawn," agreed Pepe readily.

"Dr. Bunsen should want your help learning how to attract women," suggested Kermit.

"Jou are right, Kermin."

"Oh good, then why don't ..." Kermit began, but Pepe interrupted him.

"I will help the Doctor, hokay? Together, we will make even BETTER shoes. Shoes which no ladies can resist!"

"Me-meep, me meep meep," agreed Beaker, thinking it would be excellent to have someone else to try out the experimental prototypes for once.

"I do not understand what jou said, but I can see the look in jour eyes, hokay? Let's go find the Doctor!"

"Me memeep," said Beaker firmly, and the two set off down the road.

Kermit shook his head in wonder. He felt he should have interrupted that exchange, but he hadn't been able to do so. Kermit couldn't even imagine the results of Pepe teaming with Muppet Labs, but he supposed there was nothing much he could do about it. Besides, he had bigger problems to worry about. He and Robin had been delayed for far too long from their original objective, and Kermit was very concerned for his bear friend.

Robin saw Kermit thinking and hopped over to take his uncle by the hand.

"C'mon, Uncle Kermit," he encouraged. "Movin' right along, right?"

"Right, Robin," chuckled Kermit, his spirits again lifted by the little frog. "Movin' right along."

"How far are we from Fozzie's house?"

"Oh, not far now," answered Kermit as they walked along. "Maybe another fifteen minutes or so, walking."

"Walking?"

"Yes, Robin. You know, it's when you put one foot in front of the other and move forward. They call it walking," Kermit teased.

"If it's fifteen minutes away walking, why aren't we ... running?!" With that, Robin broke into a run, moving as fast as his little froggy legs would carry him. Kermit laughed and took off after his nephew, enjoying the little race and glad to be hurrying toward his old friend's apartment. They'd already lost too much time.

The two frogs reached Fozzie's apartment in half the time Kermit had estimated. Kermit rang the doorbell to let Fozzie know someone was around, and then walked in. He was always welcome, so he never bothered to wait for Fozzie to answer. Unfortunately, no one was home. A defeated Kermit sank down to the couch and hung his head in his hands. Robin, exhausted, stretched out on the rest of the couch and promptly fell fast asleep.

Feeling guilty, Kermit fished out a cell phone and dialed Miss Piggy. He knew she was very busy for the next few weeks -- she was in California filming a series of commercials for a line of motorcycles -- but he had no idea what else to do, and he needed the support. Piggy picked up almost immediately.

"Kermie!!" came her excited voice from the phone. "How are vous?! Moi am so glad you called!"

"Hi Piggy" he answered. "I'm really not doing all that great. Fozzie is having big problems, and he turned to me for help. And I ignored him, because Scooter interrupted us with show related problems. I ignored one of my oldest friends. And he walked off. He was really in a bad place. And now he's gone and I can't find him and I'm really worried and I just don't know what to do about it." Kermit's explanation came out in a rush. He hadn't realized just how badly he'd needed someone to listen.

"Awww, Kermie. Do not worry. I am here for you, my Frog. Kissy Kissy!"

"Thanks, Piggy," replied Kermit, already perking up from hearing her voice.

"Say it back to me, Kermie?" Miss Piggy's voice had a playful beg to it which made the frog miss her dreadfully. Fozzie's phone had begun to ring in the background, but Kermit barely took notice.

"Aw, Piggy. You know I don't like to say that."

"Oh please, Mon Cher. Pleeeease. Just once, for moi?"

"But Piggy ... " Kermit was quietly enjoying his little game with Miss Piggy.

The answering machine picked up in the background, and Rowlf's voice started talking. Robin was soon tugging on Kermit's elbow.

"Uncle Kermit, I think you should be listening to this."

Kermit continued his playful protests to Miss Piggy and turned half an ear to the answering machine.

"...wer the phone if you're there, Fozzie. C'mon, I need ya, man. I wouldn't be bugging you if it weren't really important. The whole gang is out looking for you and Kermit, and... "

Kermit had known Rowlf long enough to recognize the desperation in his friend's voice. He sighed, and reached for Fozzie's phone with his free hand. As he did, he returned his attention to Piggy on the cell phone. He tuned his brain back into his voice just in time, as the pig was apparently getting tired of his protestations.

"Say it, frog," she demanded with an oh-so-familiar edge to her voice as it dropped a complete octave.

"...ll, I guess I'll talk to you later, Foz. Goodb... "

Panicked, Kermit grabbed Fozzie's phone from it's cradle as he responded to Miss Piggy. His timing was terrible.

"Kissy Kissy," he said into two phones at once.

Piggy's delighted squeal entered one ear, as Rowlf's confused voice entered the other.

"Um, is that you, Kermit?" Rowlf asked.

Kermit quickly muffled the mouthpiece of the cell phone and answered.

"Yeah Rowlf. Sorry, Fozzie isn't here. It's me." He slammed his hand over that mouthpiece and uncovered the other to answer Miss Piggy, who was eager to hear more from her frog.

"No offense, Kermit, but I don't kiss frogs." came the amused answer from Rowlf.

"Well I don't kiss dogs," replied an exasperated Kermit. He was instantly dismayed as he realized which phone was currently uncovered.

"Well, GOOD," huffed Miss Piggy. "Moi has only been gone for a week. You should not be kissing anything."

"Oh I wouldn't, Piggy," Kermit assured her. He switched mouthpieces again.

"Rowlf, what's going on? You sounded really worried on the answering machine." Rowlf obliged by launching into an explanation of the night's events.

"Kermie," said Piggy teasingly in his other ear. "I bought a new dress for the banquet tomorrow."

"What banquet?" asked Kermit.

"I said Special, Kermit. Sweeps Special. Not banquet. You okay?"

"Yes, yes, sorry Rowlf. Keep explaining." Rowlf went on, and Kermit switched mouthpieces.

"What banquet?" he asked again.

"Oh, just this little get together the head of Fashionable, Inc. is throwing for all the stars like Moi. She's going to show us some of her new line for next season. I think she wants Moi's opinions."

" ... and he wants Fozzie as the centerpiece," said Rowlf from the other phone.

Kermit couldn't catch himself in time. "Fozzie?!" he exclaimed.

"Don't be silly, Kermit. Why would a high fashion designer want help from a bear who wears a polka dotted necktie?"

"Sorry Piggy. I was interrupted. You were telling me about a dress?"

As Piggy described her dress, Kermit covered her phone.

"Fozzie?!" he tried again, this time uncovering the phone with Rowlf on the other end.

"That's right. He wants Fozzie."

"But we don't have Fozzie."

"Right. And that's not even the worst of it. He wants the script in twenty-four hours."

"Sheesh. Nothing's ever easy, is it Rowlf?"

"…and it's dark blue. Midnight blue, it's called. And Kermie? It's very clingy. You'll like it a lot."

Kermit blushed, and for a fleeting second all his problems vanished from his mind.

"You look great in blue," he murmured.

"Thanks Kermit. But I was thinking I'd just go with the usual," came Rowlf's wry answer.

Kermit laughed out loud, and realized he was failing miserably at this pointless game.

"Listen, Rowlf," He said. "Meet me at the theater. Call in everyone you can. I'll be there right away." He hung up the phone emphatically and turned his attention back to Miss Piggy.

"Hey Piggy, that sounds great. I can't wait to see it. But I've go to run now, we've got big problems building around here. Really big. I've got to hurry back to the theater. I'll call you again as soon as I can, I promise. Thanks for talking to me, you really made me feel much better."

"Don't worry, Kermie," came the surprisingly understanding answer from Miss Piggy. "Moi has to be getting to sleep soon, anyway. Big day tomorrow."

"Thanks, Piggy," said a relieved Kermit. "I miss you," he added quietly.

"I miss you too. Kissy Kissy!"

Kermit sighed in mock frustration. "Kissy kissy," He whispered, and hung up the phone.

Kermit looked at Robin, and opened his mouth to explain. Unfortunately, his brain was so frazzled by his recent conversation he couldn't figure out what to tell his nephew. Instead, he just stood there with his mouth open.

"Movin' right along?" asked a grinning Robin, echoing the theme of the night.

Kermit smiled and nodded, and the two set off for the theater.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Yea!!!! I get so excited when I see this great story updated! That was just comedy gold with Kermit on the phone with Rowlf and Piggy at the same time! I could totally see it! And Robin's so cute with his eagarness, and I love the "Moving Right Along" that is being used throughout. Really great chapter Mark, looking forward to more!

 

[MarkFraggle]

I'm glad you thought the three-way conversation was funny. I was really worried that it'd just be confusing. It was funny in my head, but I wasn't sure if I wrote it well enough for it to be funny outside of my head.