When Fozzie Lost His Funny

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Three

Chapter Three

"What did the bear say to the caller? Give up? Nothing, because he wasn't home! That's why his answering machine picked up! Wocka Wocka!"

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hello Fozzie. I am very sorry, hokay? I did not mean to tell everyones your secret. But you should look for the good in this. You had the entire building laughing, hokay?"

*click*

* * * * * * * * * *​

Pepe hung up the phone, but the call had done almost nothing to relieve the guilt he was feeling. After all, the weekly variety show performed at Muppet Theater was broadcast live on international television. Literally millions of people now knew a secret Fozzie had meant to share only with his oldest friend.

* * * * * * * * * *​

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hey Foz-man, news of your most distressing quandary floated past my oh-so-delicate lobes. If you need help replacing the dissonant tones in your heart with some truly righteous melodies you just ring up old Doctor Teeth. Ain't nothin' to fix a hurtin soul like rock an' roll!"

*click*


BEEEEEEEEP

"Fozzie Bear, why did you not tell us you were experiencing such regrettable difficulties? We here at Muppet Labs have the very thing to solve all your wooing problems. Come down to the lab and Beaky and I will give you a prototype of our new Lady-Killer Shoes, guaranteed to attract women wherever you go! There are only a few bugs which need worked out, but I'm confident we will have them fixed very soon. Beaker is running a few experiments as we speak. See you soon, Fozzie!"


*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Huh? Fozzie? Is that you, Fozzie Bear? Oh. Confounded answering machines, always sounding like someone answering the phone when they aren't really. And was that supposed to be a joke? Because it was TERRIBLE. I've heard better material from ... wait, that's not the point. What was my point? Oh, right. Listen, Fozzie, this is Statler. I've got to make this quick, okay? I can't let Waldorf find out I called or he'll never let me hear the end of it. Listen, Bear, you've got to get back on that stage. The show just isn't the same without you, you hear me? Making fun of you is the highlight of my week! Wait, shhhhh!

Oh, Waldorf. Didn't hear you coming. What's that? No, no, just talking to ... my ... mother, yeah. What? Dead, you say? Oh yeah, of course she is. Good thing you reminded me. I guess I should hang up, then. Yes, yes, right. I was dreaming again. No, I ... "

*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Fozzie? It is Pepe again Fozzie, hokay? I just want to make sure you understand that I am very, very sorry for what I did, and I will never do it again, hokay? Let Pepe make this up to you! I am going to the grand opening of a new club tomorrow. It is owned by a very popular man, hokay? Everyone wants to be there, but it is for people with the invitations only. I was planning on taking Jessica Alba as a guest, but I will take you instead, hokay? There will be dozens of hot womens there for you and Pepe!"

*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hi Fozzie. I'm not quite sure what is going on but it seems to have everybody pretty worried, and Uncle Kermit said they're all worried about you. I figured it must be something important if so many people were talking about it, so I wanted to call and tell you I was thinkin' about you and you should keep smiling! You just remember that me and Uncle Kermit'll always love you, no matter what!


*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Fozzie, at a time like this it is important to remember to always hold your head high and keep your chin up. Even though you may not be feeling great now, you must remember all the good things you have in this beautiful country. Keep working hard, even when the going gets though -- it is the American way!"

*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hey Fozzie, it's Scooter. Sara said I should call and check on y... wait, what was that, sweetheart? Well of course he knows I'm not just calling because you told me to. No, that's not what I said. I'm one of Fozzie's oldest friends and ... well anyway, Foz, give me a call if you need to talk. You know I'm here for you."

*click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hi Fozzie, this is Sara! I was just calling to make sure you know Scooter really does care about you -- he just didn't manage to say it correctly. You know we are thinking about you and we both love you very much! Just give us a call if you need us. Or stop by. Or both. Okay? We love you!"

*Click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Fozzie, Pepe. You should call me about that club thing. Jessica Alba cannot be put on hold forever, hokay?"

*Click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Wha? Oh, good, Fozzie. Listen Fozzie, this is Waldorf. I need to talk fast, because Statler could be back any minute. He keeps trying to call his dead mother in his sleep, the crazy old coot. Fozzie, hate to hear you're having problems, but I need you at the theater, bear. You're one of the top reasons I show up every week. The show isn't quite worth it without you -- heckling your fill-ins just isn't the same. Oops, Statler is coming back ...time to go."

*Click*

BEEEEEEEEP

"Hiya Fozzie. Gonzo here. Of course, you already knew that, because I'm sure you recognize my voice. But then, I could have been a crazed evil doppelganger from an alternate reality future just posing as Gonzo to get you out of your house so I could steal all your bananas, right? But I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. Maybe I wiped my own memory to prevent me from giving myself away. I guess that's just a risk you'll have to take. Anyway, Have I got news for you! Listen, Camilla and I are going out for a dinner date tonight, and I found this gal who is REALLY interested in meeting you. I mean, she's talked about you for weeks. She has a picture of you above her bed, I swear! If I'd have known you were so worried about this sorta thing, I'd have introduced you already. Why don't you meet us for dinner, and I'll tell Matilda to join us too. We can double! And maybe afterward, we can go swimming in a giant pool of green jello! I've got a guy coming with a concrete mixing truck full of jello mix, and my neighbor with the pool is on vacation this week. Call me!"

*click*

Fozzie's head rose from under the covers while the answering machine continued to drone in the background. Rowlf was currently talking, but Fozzie was no longer listening. Most people would never even consider the prospect of a blind date set up by Gonzo the Great, but Fozzie Bear was not most people, and his mind was in a rather bad place at the moment. Besides, Gonzo was his friend -- one of his best friends -- so why not give him a chance? At any rate, reasoned the fragile mind of Fozzie Bear, it couldn't make him feel any worse. And the loneliness in his apartment was getting rather overwhelming.

Fozzie got out of bed and picked up the telephone.

* * * * * * * * * *​

Kermit dialed Fozzie's number for probably the 50th time in half an hour, and again got a busy signal. He hung up the phone with a familiar "sheesh," and gave up, reasoning that Fozzie must have taken the phone off the hook. And so when Kermit left the theater, he left in the direction of Fozzie's apartment, knowing he was one of the few people who had a chance at helping the bear. After about three steps he felt a small hand slip into his own, and without looking down he knew it belonged to his nephew Robin.

"Sorry Robin," Kermit started. "I'm not going home right away. You'll have to visit some other time."

"Oh I know that, Uncle Kermit," said Robin. "I figured you were probably goin' t'see Fozzie. You're gonna try to make him smile again, right? Well I'm good at making people smile, so I thought I'd come along and help."

Kermit squeezed his nephew's hand and once again marveled at the maturity and wisdom the small frog frequently exhibited. It didn't seem like a heart so big should be able to fit into a frog so small.

"That's very nice of you, Robin," he said with a hopeful grin in his voice. "Maybe between the two of us, we can help Fozzie find his smile."

 

[christyb]

This is great! Okay lemme back up the train a bit. First off welcome to the accidiction known as MC. Tis a way of life and a way to watch your life disappear. Now that that's done also welcome to the fan fic board! Your story is fab. This last chapter was fab. I love how you formatted it in the way a answering machine works. It was like lying in bed and listening to it myself. I can't wait to see what happens to Fozzie.

 

[redBoobergurl]

Oh my gosh I love this chapter! I could not stop laughing at all the messages and how they're so typical of each character! I loved Sam the Eagle's message and Robin's cute message and really all of them. Poor Fozzie, what's he thinking getting set up with Gonzo's friend? Oh boy, I can't wait to see what happens next. Good stuff here Mark, I really like it!

 

[Java]

Love the messages, especially Statler and Waldorf! And Robin being so in tune with feelings.

More please!

 

[MarkFraggle]

chapter four

Chapter Four

Fozzie hummed nervously as he prepared for his ... outing. Gonzo had been very excited when Fozzie returned his call, and had told Fozzie to be ready in half an hour. There were now five minutes of that half an hour left, and Fozzie was worried about how he looked.

Hmm hmm hmm ... and straighten my tie. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm ...

The door buzzer rang and Fozzie jumped out of his skin. He peeked through the peephole and saw the distorted figure of Gonzo looming outside. Noticing no female types waiting around, Fozzie cautiously opened the door.

"Hiya Gonzo," he said with false cheerfulness. He stepped out into the hall to greet Gonzo, and again sized up the hallway, still finding no trace of anyone other than his blue friend.

"Hey Fozzie!" said Gonzo with very true cheerfulness. "Great to see you. Tilly was so excited when she heard you agreed to come!"

"Tilly?" asked Fozzie.

"Yeah, Matilda. She's the one I told you about on the phone. She and Camilla went ahead to reserve our seats. Tough to get a table at rush hour, you know."

Fozzie, confused, glanced at his watch, which confirmed his suspicions that it was well after 10 pm. Rush hour? he thought to himself.

"C'mon Fozzie, let's move!" encouraged Gonzo excitedly.

Together they walked down the stairs and out the door to where Gonzo had parked his car. Fozzie's jaw dropped when he saw it.

"Like my new wheels, eh?" asked Gonzo proudly, rubbing his hand lovingly over the fender of a car which, if it were a person, would have a face only a mother could love. Gonzo had done his best for it, however, painting it up in a full on Gonzo the Great color spectacular. It was the Joseph's Coat of automobiles. "I call her the Lovin' Spoonful! Isn't she beautiful?"

"Wha... what happened to your old wheels?" was the only reply Fozzie could muster.

"A green rhinoceros and a very unhappy can of tuna," said Gonzo with a flippant honesty. Fozzie was afraid to inquire further.

"Here, lemme unlock the door for you," said Gonzo. He pulled out his keychain, hunted around for a second, and then pressed a button. There was a short sound of a short electric burst and a distinctly unhappy yelp as a tiny monkey scurried out from under the vehicle, pulled a key from the pocket of his bellhop uniform, and unlocked the car door. He then climbed up Gonzo's shoulder and shook his fist in his face before falling sound asleep on his precarious perch, smoke still rising from the tiny singe on his monkey elbow.

"Confound it," said Gonzo unhappily. "He's just supposed to watch for the spark, not stand on it. Stupid monkey."

"Maybe he likes it?" suggested Fozzie uncertainly. After all, the monkey was hanging out with Gonzo the Great. A small amount of masochism was probably to be expected.

"Hey, yeah!" said Gonzo excitedly. "I bet you're right. Maybe it's a real whizzer. Lemme try!" And with that, Gonzo scurried under his car, monkey still sound asleep on his shoulder.

ZAP! "Wheee-haaw!" heard Fozzie.

ZAP! ZAP! "Woohooohooo!"

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!" "Hey, this is great! Heeeeheeee! You wanna give it a try, Fozzie?"

"Um, no thanks," Fozzie searched desperately for an excuse. "Shouldn't we get going? The girls will probably start to wonder where we are."

"Good point," said Gonzo, and he climbed back out, a very crispy, but very happy looking weirdo. "Let's go!"

* * * * * * * * * * ​

If the world were just, and if all things always worked as they should, this is when Kermit and Robin would have arrived and interrupted. Together, they probably would have talked Fozzie down from his dark place, and most likely they even have found his smile again. Kermit is good at helping people feel better, and Robin is good at making people smile. However, the world is not just, and things don't always work out like they should.

* * * * * * * * * *​

Kermit hurried along the road, moving so fast he was practically dragging Robin behind him. He didn't expect anything dreadful to happen to Fozzie, but he didn't want to leave the bear sitting alone with his ... well, loneliness ... any longer than he had to.

"Uncle Kermit," gasped Robin eventually, "do you think ... we could ... slow down ... just a little?"

"Oh, Robin, I'm sorry," Kermit apologized. "I hadn't realized we were going quite that fast. I should have been thinking more about you."

"It's okay, Uncle Kermit," Robin assured him. "I know you're worried. My heart wants to go as fast as light, but my legs can't keep up."

They sat down for a moment while Robin caught his breath. While they rested, Robin pointed down the road in the direction they were heading.

"Uncle Kermit, what's causing all those fun lights up there?" he asked.

Kermit followed Robin's finger and was surprised to see what amounted to an outdoor light show off in the distance. He had been so concentrated on Fozzie, he had failed to notice the rather obvious lights until Robin pointed them out to him.

"Gee Robin, I don't know," said Kermit. "Must be some new store or something. Want to investigate?"

"Yeah!" said Robin excitedly, then quickly amended his thoughts. "But shouldn't we be hurrying to Fozzie's?"

"It's okay," promised Kermit. "We're going that way anyway. We'll have to pass right by those lights on our way to Fozzie's."

"Oh good," said Robin. "Cause I really do wanna find out!"

"Me too, Robin," chuckled Kermit, his mood again lifted by the perpetual positive spirit of his young nephew. "Let's hurry -- but not TOO much."

Robin grinned, and jumped up. He started down the road at a brisk pace. "C'mon, Uncle Kermit. You're such a slow poke" he teased, before Kermit had a chance to catch up.

The two moved down the road at a quick but measured pace, eager to see what was causing the light show in front of them. The closer they drew to it, the more impressive the lights became, until practically the entire road was concealed in the glare of bright lights and shining colors. At their source, the colors and lights seemed to be coming from a building -- a bright, new building with hundreds of people standing in a line at the only visible door. A large man was standing at the door with a checklist, denying entry.

"What is it?" asked Robin in awe as he and Kermit approached.

"It's a nightclub, Robin," said Kermit, and realization suddenly dawned on him. "Hey, it must be that new place Pepe kept talking about. The grand opening was supposed to be tonight. I completely forgot about it."

"Can we go in?"

"No, we better not. We don't have time to spare. And anyway, you see that big guy over there?" Kermit gestured towards the door.

"Yeah."

"Your name has to be on the list he is holding, or he won't let you in."

"Well that's mean of him," Robin harrumphed.

"Movin' right along, Robin," encouraged Kermit, giving his nephew a playful push to restart their journey.

At that moment, a pink blur flew out of the nightclub door and streaked across the road directly in front of Kermit and Robin with a shrieking "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" Mere seconds later, dozens of women stampeded after it, knocking poor Robin to the ground as they went by.

"Hey," muttered Kermit in confusion. "Did that blur sound familiar to you? I swear it was wearing a white lab coat."

Kermit reached down and helped Robin to his feet just as Pepe hurried past, panting in an effort to catch the crowd.

"Hey, wait for Pepe, hokay? He is just a scientist, I am a LOVER, okay? You Want me, not him. I can treat you right, hokay?" He huffed for a few seconds, and then yelled more desperately, "Beaker, I must have those shoes, hokay?"

"Good grief," sighed Kermit. "I knew it sounded familiar. "C'mon, Robin, we've got to save Beaker before he gets crushed to death."

"But what about Fozzie?" Robin asked nervously.

Kermit hesitated for only a second before replying. "He'll just have to wait a few more minutes," Kermit declared. "Beaker needs us NOW."

* * * * * * * * * * ​

Gonzo started the car and drove off, with a nervous Fozzie silently shaking in the seat beside him.

 

[redBoobergurl]

I'm still loving this Mark! Fozzie humming "Stepping Out with A Star" so cute! And he's all nervous and why shouldn't he be, he's being set up with someone that is friends with Gonzo and Camilla. And Gonzo's car! Too funny! Pepe and Beaker in the nightclub getting thrown out, great! I'm enjoying this so much! Can't wait to read more!

 

[Java]

You have such a wonderful descriptive way of writing. Take this line for instance:

"Like my new wheels, eh?" asked Gonzo proudly, rubbing his hand lovingly over the fender of a car which, if it were a person, would have a face only a mother could love

I was laughing so hard. And then Gonzo

climbed back out, a very crispy, but very happy looking weirdo.

Just wonderful.

Can't wait to read more.

 

[Aaron]

Pure genius.

 

[MarkFraggle]

Leaving for Honeymoon soon. But I will be back in a week, to post more story.

Oh yes, yes I will.

*cackle*

Wazzat? Too bad, you're getting it anyway!

*runs*

 

[redBoobergurl]

You mean we gotta wait a WHOLE week? *whines*

Oh all right, I suppose we can wait a week. We had to wait SIX weeks for Lisa's story I think we can wait a week for this fabulous one. Enjoy your honeymoon!