TMS fanfic: Masks

[Puckrox]

Yaaaaaaay Gonzo! We're so proud of you! Great update! Can't wait to see how the presses handle this!

 

[The Count]

Yaey! Great update. You get a bag of ramchips for Penny's featured film from her collection Rully like the character and how you've woven her into the narrative. Would've liked to know about the acts at the TMI benefit, but sometimes things like that are fast-forwarded to get to other parts like the valor Gonzo had in laying out his backstory. Thank you for the new chapter, can't wait to read what's next.

 

[Slackbot]

Puckrox: Oh, Fleet will play with this, believe me. His dilemma is how to spin it to sell the most copies. It remains to be seen whether he'll make Gonzo regret taking off his mask.

The Count: Yeah, it would have been interesting to see more of the benefit, but as you said it would have taken the focus off of Gonzo. It has nothing to do with me not wanting to spend a bunch of time trying to make up acts, nothing at all.

Heh, I'm a fan of Manos: The Hands of Fate. I had a tape of the unMiSTed movie before it became available commercially on DVD. That movie is such a wonderful ball of cheese, and, to quote a Moster who would tell any TMI agent to scram, "I love it because it's trash!"

 

[Slackbot]

Masks, Part 15:
The Battle of the Salad Bar
by Kim McFarland​

*****

Most of the Muppets had gone straight from the TMI benefit show to the Muppet Theater to prepare for that night's show. It was Saturday, the night of the second show of that set, and they had had to cut one act after it detonated onstage during Friday's show. This had been unexpected, as neither Gonzo nor Muppet Labs were performing that weekend. To fill the slot Scooter had put in the Swedish Chef.

Backstage right was the usual blizzard of activity. After Scooter had done what he could to sort things out, he left everyone to the usual frenzy and went over to backstage left, where Janken was still chatting with Skeeter. Since finding out that Janken was a Fraggle, she had been asking him millions of questions. It was kind of embarrassing, Scooter thought, but Janken matched her question for question about "silly creatures," and was enjoying the conversation as much as she was.

Janken said, "Hi, Scoot," when he saw him.

"Hi. Everything set up here?"

"Sure, ready to go. What about that act with the penguins, the trampoline, and the heavy machinery? Did they get that fixed?"

"No, we've cut it. The Swedish Chef will be on in its place."

"Oh, fine. Static camera front and center, follow cams on the sides?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

Skeeter asked, "Scooter—What Gonzo said at the end of that benefit show, is it true? Or was that just in the script?"

Scooter shook his head. "He never said anything about his past before, not to me at least, so I don't know. It took us all by surprise. But I get the feeling it was for real. He didn't sound like he was acting. And that's not the kind of thing he'd make up."

Scooter would know, she guessed. "Whoa."

"Yeah. That took guts. Especially with Fleet Scribbler right there."

Janken said, "It's tough to admit you're not what everyone thinks you are." He glanced up at Scooter, saw his hurt expression, and, realizing what that had sounded like, gave him an apologetic smile.

Skeeter could not see Janken's face. She told her brother, "This nerd's got sense."

**

The first act romped by with relatively little in the way of complications. Miss Piggy's big number would begin the second act, and during the intermission she bustled around, bullying her co-stars and giving the Wardrobe department headaches. In other words, all was normal, and as there was nothing Scooter could do about it he would keep out of the way until it blew over.

Kermit, on the other hand, could not. When he had heard enough he turned from his desk and exclaimed, "Everything's fine, Piggy! The costumes are just right! You've all rehearsed this for days! Everyone knows what they're doing! You just take care of your part."

Shocked, Miss Piggy turned to face Kermit. She was drawing in a breath to speak when Kermit pointedly looked out at the theater house. "Oh, look, the second act's about to start. Time for you all to get into place."

Miss Piggy growled at him. Janice and Annie Sue Pig, the rest of the cast for that number, hustled onto the stage, grateful to Kermit for diverting Piggy's temper. Then Piggy went out and took her mark, standing facing the back of the stage.

After another minute the theater lights went down and the audience chatter faded. Kermit went out and introduced Miss Piggy's act. The curtains parted, revealing Miss Piggy, backed by Janice and Annie Sue Pig, all wearing showgirl outfits. Miss Piggy's was deep blue; Janice and Annie Sue wore red.

As the piano played the opening notes, Miss Piggy looked over her shoulder at the audience and crooned,

"You have to understand the way I am, mein Herr.
A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb, mein Herr."​

She turned to face the audience, and Janice and Annie Sue struck symmetrical poses behind her.

"You'll never turn the vinegar to jam, mein Herr."
"So I do what I do.
When I'm through, then I'm through.
And I'm through... toodle-oo!"​

All three waved one hand dismissively, then began to dance to the chorus.

"Bye-bye, mein lieber Herr.
Farewell, mein lieber Herr..."​

**

Scooter came over to backstage left and looked at the monitors. The number was going off perfectly, the choreography becoming more intense as the song rose toward its energetic finale. He glanced at his sister. She was watching the show with more interest than she would admit to. She had the sense not to distract Janken while he was working the cameras. Scooter would have liked to have a quick word with him between acts, but with Skeeter hanging around that wasn't going to happen. Talk about bad timing, he thought.

**

As soon as the curtains closed they began switching the set around. The Swedish Chef's scenery was simple, just a few pieces that could be wheeled on in seconds. Miss Piggy, looking quite pleased with herself, stopped by Kermit's desk. "Oh, Kermie."

"Yes, Piggy?"

"We knocked 'em dead," she said smugly.

"Yes, I heard the applause," he said appreciatively.

"Now, I know that tempers may get a teensy bit out of control backstage. I just want you to know that I understand."

"Oh, good," he said cheerfully. He knew that this was Piggy's very roundabout way of acknowledging that she had pushed him a bit far before the act. What the hey, it was the thought that counted, even if it was buried pretty deep.

Rowlf came backstage. After that number he had no more piano parts for the night, and he would rather hang out backstage than sit in the pit, getting a crick in his neck from looking up at the stage. He watched from an out-of-the-way spot as the scenery was swapped at speed.

Kermit glanced behind the curtains, then went out onstage. He said to the audience, "We Muppets have always been fans of hot dishes, as you just saw. I'd like to continue the theme of the night with an example of haute cuisine, but instead we have The Swedish Chef."

The curtains opened. When Kermit came offstage Piggy said sweetly, "That wouldn't have happened to be a pork joke, now would it?"

Quickly Kermit thought over what he'd said. Oops. "Not at all, Piggy. I was saying you looked hot, that's all."

"Good. Just making sure."

**

Onstage, the Swedish Chef sang his introduction, then tossed a meat tenderizer over his shoulder and neatly through a breakaway window in the backdrop. Then he spread his hands and said, "Idag är jag ska göra en veggetobabble stœur-fry." He lifted a large wooden cutting board loaded down with vegetables—carrots, squash, snow peas, radishes, bean sprouts, kohlrabi, and so on—onto the counter. "Här är de veggies." He placed a huge metal bowl on one of the burners. "Jag ska laga den i detta wok!" He picked up a large cleaver and began to chop at the vegetables.

Floyd was hanging out backstage, partially because he was not needed in the pit for this segment, but mostly because he wanted to get an eyeful of Janice in the slinky dress she had worn for Mein Herr. He was not paying attention to Animal, who had followed backstage to get away from the corny saxophone piece that Zoot always had to play during the Swedish Chef's acts. At the moment there was nothing particularly interesting going on backstage, so he idly watched the Chef.

The Chef quickly finished up with a flurry of chopping, then dumped all of the vegetables into the wok. He produced a pair of wooden sticks over a foot long. "Jag använder alltid cœuking chöpsticks. Chop-chop, ah so!" He pattered with the sticks on the side of the wok as if it was a cymbal, then began stirring the vegetables.

Animal's eyes widened. "Drumsticks!"

Janice, whose attention had not been on the stage for the last few minutes, said, "No, Animal, he's cooking vegetarian cuisine today, not chicken."

"Drumsticks!" Animal shouted, and lunged for the stage.

**

When he saw animal coming, the Swedish Chef ran around to the other side of the counter. The cooking chopsticks flew from his hands. Animal grabbed for them, but missed, upsetting the wok and sending the vegetables flying across the stage.

Janken watched, aghast, as the scene played out on the monitors. Something struck him on the side of the head, but it didn't hurt, so he paid it no mind. Animal and the Swedish Chef had somehow gotten into a duel, with Animal using the chopsticks as weapons while the Chef shielded himself with the cutting board. The Chef turned to escape, skidded on a leaf of kohlrabi, and fell to the floor in an elaborate pratfall. The curtains closed.

Kermit rushed onto the stage. "Are you all right?"

"Jag har varit bättre."

"I had to ask," Kermit said to himself.

**

Dr. Teeth, still in the pit, guessed that they would need a few minutes' worth of vamping to get their act together. He stood up—a light obligingly shone on him—and said to the audience, "Looks like it's time to lay some groove on. So, for all you mamas and papas out there, here's a little mood music courtesy of the great Boots Randolph. Zoot."

Zoot nodded absently, picked up his saxophone and, with Dr. Teeth accompanying him on the keyboard, played the energetic first notes of Yakety Sax.

**

Kermit heard the music and said, "That'll buy us a couple of minutes."

Scooter was flipping frantically through his clipboard, thinking as he did that Dr. Teeth couldn't have chosen more appropriate music if he had tried. He called, "Change the set!" To Kermit he said, "We're still gonna run short."

Rowlf spoke up. "Wait. Maybe not. Veterinarian's Hospital!" He looked at Piggy and Janice, who were still wearing their showgirl dresses.

"What?" Scooter said in disbelief.

Grinning, Rowlf explained, "Dr. Bob makes a house call!" He dashed off to Wardrobe. Both Janice and Piggy followed him.

Scooter didn't pause. He said, "Put the chef up on the counter. Don't clean up the mess. Get whatever Vet's Hospital stuff out there you can in the next two minutes, but leave the Chef's set!" As the nearby Muppets hopped to it, eager to see what was going to happen next—whether it worked or not, it was sure to be entertaining—Scooter tapped the intercom. "Jan, change of plans. Vet's Hospital is up next. Same camera setup as the Swedish Chef."

"Gotcha." Janken looked over the cameras—they were already in position—then glanced at the stage. It was a mess; it looked as if a salad bar had exploded there. Glancing down, he found the missile that had struck him, and picked it up. A radish. He said "Don't mind if I do," and popped it into his mouth.

**

The curtains opened on the same set. Several medical props had been wheeled in. The Swedish Chef had been laid on the countertop as if it was an operating table. Rowlf, Miss Piggy, and Janice were wearing their scrubs; Piggy and Janice had thrown theirs on over their gowns. Miss Piggy was curling her eyelashes with a pair of salad tongs when the curtains opened and a voice announced, "It's time once again for Veterinarian's house call, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

As Piggy dropped the salad tongs and hurried over to the counter, Janice asked, "What's wrong with this patient, Dr. Bob?"

Rowlf made a show of examining the Chef. Then he replied, "This man is obviously having a severe allergic reaction to onions."

Piggy asked, "How can you tell that, Dr. Bob?"

"He's breaking out in chives!" All three laughed. "Also, he has corns."

Janice said, "Wow, how can you tell? You haven't even looked at his feet."

"Not on his feet, on his ears!"

Piggy faced the audience and said, "Ears of corn." All three laughed again.

"Wait a minute, what's this?" Rowlf reached down and pulled up a radish. He tossed it away. Then he pulled up another, and a third. As he threw them away he remarked, "Radishes repeat for me too."

Janice asked, "What can you do for him, Dr. Bob?"

"There's only one cure for this. Bed rest," Rowlf answered.

"In the hospital or at home?" Piggy asked.

"No, on a bed of lettuce!"

As Rowlf laughed and Miss Piggy and Janice groaned the announcer spoke. "Tune in tomorrow to Vegetarian's Hospital, when we'll hear Dr. Bob, Nurse Piggy, and Nurse Janice say..."

Rowlf sang, "To-may-to, to-mah-to,"

All three chorused, "Let's call the whole sketch off!"

**

As Rowlf, Piggy, Janice, and the Swedish Chef left the stage they were greeted by the applause of the other Muppets. Scooter exclaimed, "That was great! Thanks, guys!"

"Wonderful save," Kermit added. "That gave us just the time we needed."

"Anytime," Rowlf said, grinning from ear to ear.

Miss Piggy stepped up to Kermit, her hands behind her back and said sweetly, "Oh, Kermie..."

He gulped nervously. "Yes, Piggy?"

She declared, "The time has finally come. I can hold it in no longer. Kermit, I must give to you... my heart!" Dramatically she presented him with an artichoke.

He glanced at it, then up at her. Both burst out laughing.

**

Still grinning, Kermit took the artichoke back to the house that evening, and put it in a vase as if it were a rosebud.

*****

All characters except Janken are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. Mein Herr is from the movie Cabaret. All copyrighted properties are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken and the overall story are copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[Slackbot]

For anyone who's wondering, Yakety Sax is a wonderful piece of music that most people know as the theme from The Benny Hill Show. You can hear a sample right over here, and it probably isn't too hard to find a MP3 of the whole thing floating around on the web.

 

[The Count]

That was a great chapter. All the veggie jokes were spot on. The one thing I'm surprised by is that they got actual vegetables instead of the usual beady-eyed Muppet variety.
Corny bit Zoot plays on the sax for the Chef's sketches, that got a chuckle.
Mmm... I do love artichoke hearts. And I'm also a knave to hearts of palm.
Thanks... More please!

 

[Slackbot]

Thanks, glad you liked the Vet's Hospital sequence. It was the first part of this story I wrote. In fact, I had the sketch done about two months ago, and just polished it a little when I wrote the rest of this segment. As for using Muppet vegetables, that would have been cool, but then I couldn't have done the radish gag. Not without traumatizing a Fraggle, anyway.

Cool, someone else knows what an artichoke is! I love those things. Gimme a steamed artichoke, some snow crab legs, a baked potato, a vat of melted butter, and a tarp to cover the furniture and walls, and I'm a happy camper.

Trivia: artichokes are flower buds. They're related to thistles. I've even bought long-stemmed artichokes at Trader Joe's. I've never put them in water so they could bloom, though.

 

[Puckrox]

Mmmmmmm, great chapter! I loved the Veterinarian Hospital bit! And I liked how Electric Mayhem was a bit more heavily involved in this part (I started grinning wildly on the part about Floyd wanting to get a better look at Janice in the dress). Now that I've actually started watching TMS I feel like I'm going to start appreciating this fanfic even more.

Keep up the good work!

 

[The Count]

Ah yes, artichokes... Been wanting to ask mom to make some dip with that for some homemade Mt. Olympus burgers. As for me, I prefer shrimps with or without the tails still attached as I can crunch those things to kingdom come. The best seafood meal I had was a shrimp sandwich on rye and a bread bowl of New England clam chowder.

But enough of this... M-m-m-monsters soo hungry.
We just want some more story please!

 

[Slackbot]

Puckrox: Thanks! Heh, the members of the Electric Mayhem are fun to write for. I just have to remind myself to include them. Have you never seen TMS before?

The Count: More fic is coming soon. The next part is half-written. Skeeter is giving me problems, but then she's giving everyone problems. Mean ol' sis.

Shrimp sandwich? I've never heard of that. I like making shrimp tempura. Mmmm.