The 5ive Present: The Muppet's vs. Las Vegas

[Beauregard]

Ahhh! The inserts were a MISTAKE! *runs to edit quickly*

 

[Beauregard]

Sorry about teh Inserts, meant to be Indent. Edited. Hope you are still enjoying Whatever!

 

[Beauregard]

CUT TO

EXT-DARK ALLY-NIGHT

JOHNNY and SAL are standing around.

JOHNNY​

​

Sal, Sal....Did you hear something

SAL​

​

Yeah, I did JOHNNY

JOHNNY​

​

Well, go check it out

SAL​

​

(nervously)​

Ok, boss
​

SAL sneaks down part of the ally. A cat jumps out at him and JOHNNY screams like a girl then acts like it didn’t happen.

SAL​

​

Well, I took care of that.

JOHNNY​

​

You took care of what?

SAL​

​

That.

JOHNNY​

​

That what?

SAL​

​

That cat.

JOHNNY​

​

That that?

SAL​

​

That CAT. C for Coconut, A for apple, T for Transylvania 1 2 3 4 5.

JOHNNY​

​

It was a cat?

SAL​

​

Sure. Why?

JOHNNY​

​

I just wondered.

SAL​

​

Well I took care of it.
​

A shadow appears on one wall.

Man1 (V.O.)​

​

Yes, you did....

SAL​

​

Who are you?

Man1 (V.O.)​

​

Facts are irrelevant except for the payment...
​

JOHNNY hands over a ring he pulled off his finger.

Another shadow appears and man1 hands the ring over to man2.

Man2 (V.O)​

​

You won't regret this.

(beat)​

Meet us back here in 5 hours
​

The men’s shadows go.

JOHNNY​

​

We better go.

SAL​

​

Are you sure...they could be....

JOHNNY​

​

Listen to the man. He said 5 hours he meant five hours

SAL​

​

Whatever you say, boss
​

CUT TO

LATER

CARD: "Does this look like 5 Hours to you?"

SAL and JOHNNY walk into the alleyway again.

ROBIN comes out from behind a dumpster, JOHNNY screams again, but looks around for the 'culprit.’

ROBIN​

​

Hi!

(throws some stuff in the dumpster)​

How are you doing?

SAL​

​

We were trying to get some information out of these guys about....

JOHNNY​

​

Don't upset the kid.

(beat)​

We were conducting official business

ROBIN​

​

Oh ok.

(beat)​

Some guys told me to tell you they were skipping town

SAL​

​

I told you they would leave

JOHNNY​

​

Just as I suspected.

SAL​

​

You suspected? Why didn’t you listen to me? Now we have lost that valuable ring we bought at the toy store for nothing. I was going to give that to Natasha.

JOHNNY​

​

Well, we tried.
​

SAL rolls eyes. (Or the puppet equivalent.)

ROBIN​

​

They did leave me a letter though

JOHNNY​

​

Well why didn't you tell me? Here hand it over.

(beat)​

Sal go get it.
​

SAL travels the whole 5 feet to get the letter and hand it to JOHNNY. JOHNNY looks at it while SAL tries to unstick some gum he stepped on.

JOHNNY​

​

It doesn't make sense

ROBIN​

​

They also said something about a rubber chicken factory. I don’t know if that rings any bells?
​

SAL finally gets unstuck and looks at letter over JOHNNY’s shoulder.

SAL​

​

IT MAKES SENSE! Kermit was framed because of what happened at the rubber chicken factory.

ROBIN​

​

What? I think I’m missing something

SAL​

​

Don't worry, Robin, we'll get your uncle back!

JOHNNY​

​

Or my name isn't Johnny Fiama

SAL​

​

I thought that was your show name?

JOHNNY​

​

You know what I mean.

ROBIN​

​

(whispers)​

Remember I am only here as a cameo. Kermit isn’t my uncle in this film.

SAL​

​

Oh yer. I forgot.

JOHNNY​

​

What do I employ you for?

SAL​

​

You don’t employee me.

JOHNNY​

​

Yes I do.

SAL​

​

Well I haven’t been paid yet.
​

They both start fighting while ROBIN walks back inside.

SAL​

​

Where did he go?
​

CUT TO

INT. CAFE

PEPE, GONZO, RIZZO, ROWLF, JANICE, LIPS, DR TEETH, FLOYD, BUNSEN, BEAKER, LEW ZEALAND and ZOOT, are sat round a table in the front of the café. Everywhere else is empty. BEAUREGARD is sweeping nearby. On the table in front of them is a pile of bills. By each character is a plate with some food on it. RIZZO has a sandwich.

ROWLF​

​

(picking through the pile of bills)​

So what are we going to do with all these bills? We were kind’a counting on Kermit’s show, but as we all know, he has been put behind bars.

JANICE​

​

Oh, what are we going to do?

PEPE​

​

We’re going to get up each morning. We’re going to breath in and out. And then one day soon we won’t have to keep telling ourselves to breath in and out...

(realises everyone is looking at him)​

Sorry about that, ok.

DR TEETH​

​

Well, they say the bills will wait but not for long.

GONZO​

​

I know it’s none of my business but how many bills have you got for this café so far?

DR TEETH​

​

Well, the staging we are having installed isn’t cheap. And now we even don’t need it any way.

RIZZO​

​

You could always get the dancing girls.

JANICE​

​

Like, what an ugly joke, Rizzo.

GONZO​

​

You think the joke was ugly? You should see the dancing girls.
​

There is a light BANG and some smoke rises from under the table by ZOOT.

ZOOT​

​

Dang, man!

FLOYD​

​

Yo, whassup? What's goin' down, man?

ZOOT​

​

I think my socks just exploded, man.

FLOYD​

​

I told you to change them more of'en, man.

GONZO​

​

I always said that would get us good ratings.

LEW ZEALAND​

​

So what have we got? Rent, electrics, phone bill, kitchen expenses, gosh what a lot of new utensils we seem to need now the Swede works here, we have loads of expensive bills here guys look at this. Three thousand pounds, for....peanut butter?

ANIMAL​

​

(walking to the table)​

PEANUTS, YUM, YUM, YUMMY. PEANUT BUTTER, PEANUT BUTTER.

FLOYD​

​

Oh Animal. Did you buy all that peanut butter?

ANIMAL​

​

SO-RRY. HA, HA, HA.

DR TEETH​

​

The solution to this technological, theatrical, political problem would have been for Kermit to start his new show here.

FLOYD​

​

Like he were gona’.

BUNSEN​

​

Yep, but we have come across a slight technical hitch in that theory. Notably, Kermit is in jail.

DR TEETH​

​

Exactly. So what are we going to do? Suggestions anyone?

LEW ZEALAND​

​

Oh, one of these bills is missing. Rizzo, would you get the fish food bill from my room.

RIZZO​

​

Oh, right.
​

RIZZO leaves the table and a fly lands on his sandwich. GONZO hits it.

ZOOT​

​

We need a miracle.

DR TEETH​

​

So, what we need is some kind of phenomenon.

BEAUREGARD​

​

Do, do, do, do, do.

ROWLF​

​

Pardon, pardon?

BEAUREGARD​

​

Do, do, do, do.
​

RIZZO walks back to the table and hand the bill to LEW.

RIZZO​

​

Eh hm, eh hm.
​

Two SNOWTHS appear.

SNOWTHS​

​

Do, do, do, do, do. do, do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, dooo.

MAHNA MAHNA​

​

(appearing)​

Mah, mah, batopop, do bach, bach, der mino.

(notices everyone staring at him)​

Mahna, mahna.

EVERYONE​

​

Do, do, do, do, do.
​

MAHNA MAHNA and the SNOTHES dissapear.

LEW ZEALAND​

​

Did anyone get that?

GONZO​

​

Wrong bill, Rizzo.

RIZZO​

​

Oh, nuts.
​

RIZZO goes away again and another fly lands on his sandwich. GONZO splats it again.

ROWLF​

​

Remember the 60s?

BEAUREGARD​

​

When was that?

FLOYD​

​

Nobody knows, man.

BUNSEN​

​

Oh, those were the good old days.
​

RIPPLE FADE TO

Flash back of BUNSEN in a collage room with lots of test tubes around with steam coming from them. Pan round to DR PHIL VAN NEUTUR running around in circles with his coat on fire screaming like a girl.

RIPPLE FADE BACK TO

BUNSEN shakes his head sadly.

RIZZO comes back to the table, hands the other bill to LEW and eats his sandwich for the remainder of the conversation.

JANICE​

​

Like, we need to prove this frog’s innocence then all can be fine and dandy again.

DR TEETH​

​

Something needs to happen. We need to do something for Kermit.

FLOYD​

​

Yep, he certainly needs our help.

DR TEETH​

​

Like I said before all the madness, we need some kind of a phenomenon.

SNOTHES​

​

Do, do, do, do, do.

GONZO​

(turns to the camera)​

Cut.
​

CUT TO

Trivia Spot: This scene is said to have been the most random thing on the internet...

Trivia 2: Sarah Y concocted the whole Fly of sandwich gag, which comes into play a bit later...She also created the Gonzo escape running gags from later in the screenplay...

 

[Whatever]

I liked the exploding socks... but it seems kind of pointless and strange not to have Robin as Kermit's nephew unless the reason appears later.

 

[Beauregard]

Well, he only has a Cameo appearence for that one scene. In fact, we couldn't find a single place to put him at the time, and if we'd re-worked the script after a year of after-thought, we'd probably have given him more room in the script. As it is, he just appears and dissapears without a trace and that's his only appearence.

Frankly after a year or so, coming back to it, a lot of this script makes no sence, lol.

 

[Beauregard]

Let's to court everybody, ahh, btu first a sentemental stop at the Jail Cell...

__

CUT TO

INT. JAIL CELL

KERMIT sits looking up at the ceiling like all is lost. FOZZIE sits on the bed behind him.

KERMIT​

Look at us, Fozzie. Stuck here in this cold, dark, dingy cell. I should have listened to that letter.

FOZZIE​

Cheer up, Kermit. You still haven't been proven guilty. And this is only the first day, if you're like this the rest of your life in here, you're sure going to make it rough.

KERMIT​

Fozzie, how can you sit there??? We're about to be locked up for who knows how long for something we didn't even do!!!

FOZZIE​

Well, I know that I didn't do anything.

KERMIT​

Argh! Now you're turning on me to! Fozzie, we've got no job! Because we got locked up in here, we lost our job at the shop! We were thrown out of our apartment! And what about the show? We've got nothing! No jobs! No apartment! No show. No friends.
​

KERMIT turns and looks down at the floor worse off than ever. FOZZIE realizes this and walks over to him.

FOZZIE​

Kermit, we do have friends. Us.

KERMIT looks up at FOZZIE and smiles.

KERMIT​

Oh, Fozzie.

KERMIT and FOZZIE hug. They then go into the song:

KERMIT​

(sort of up-beat)​

For years on end, there's always been
You and I together.
And though sometimes, I know that I've
Forgotten the things that were better.
Sometimes I'd forgotten all the
Things that you do for me.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember
That we'll be there to agree.

FOZZIE​

You make it hard not to like you
Though, sometimes you fuss.
You helped me see it's not just me
Who stumbles, just because.
There's never been a better friend
That I've ever known.
You know just what to do and say
When I feel alone.

BOTH​

You and I together,
We make a perfect team.
Without you and I together,
Is like fish without a stream.

KERMIT​

I couldn't hope to be here with anyone else
Nothing else here could do.
Something's are left better alone
But not me to you!

FOZZIE​

Sometimes I can't help but wonder
What I would do.
No one can understand me better
Than you.

KERMIT​

It's good to have you as a friend.

FOZZIE​

From here on to the end.

BOTH​

Together! With you.
​

As their song ends, a GUARD aproaches the cell and calls out to them.

GUARD​

Hey, you! It's time for your trial.
​

CUT TO

INT-COURT ROOM-DARK

MISS PIGGY behind defendants desk.

The Courtroom darkens, and a spotlight comes down on MISS PIGGY.

PIGGY​

(sings)​

The courtroom lights brighten,
The jury’s fists tighten,
And somehow, when it’s all but done,
You’ll find that we have... just won...
​

MISS PIGGY moves around to the opposite side of the desk, and the spotlight goes off. The room becomes brightly, and colourfully lightened. KERMIT and FOZZIE are behind the defendant’s desk.

The JUDGE is a female cameo. In the jury box is MARVIN SUGGS and his MUPPAPHONE.

PIGGY​

This frog that you see,
All silent and green...
He’d never harm a fly,
He’s such a humble guy!

PENGUIN CHORUS​

(pops up in witness box)​

His record’s cleaner than a vacuum cleaner!
Not a ticket, fight, brawl, or misdemeanor!
You’ll never see him out dealing,
Double-crossing, smoking, or speed-ing!

PIGGY​

So, what’s the point, Judge and jury?
Get to it. Can’t you see we’re in a hurry?

(approaches JUDGE)​

Come on, Sweetie, check the book!
You need more than penguins to be a crook!

PENGUINS​

Whaa?

PIGGY​

Just sing the chorus!

PENGUINS​

Ahem. What’s the matter with this court, eh?
La, la, la, soething!

PIGGY​

So many lawsuits could come from this song!
What do we care? We’ll sing right along!
How can you condemn the frog
For being innocent as a log?

JUDGE​

Lady, you’d better get to the point, fast!
I ain’t gonna sit here watchin’ my life go past!
Come on, just give me your story!
I don’t need to take none of this glory!

PENGUINS​

She don’t need to take none o’ this glo-ho-ho-ho-reee!
​

CUT TO

EXT-OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE-DAY

JOHNNY is dressed up in a guard suit, SAL comes over to him dressed in a suit of armour.

JOHNNY​

Sal, whata' you doing in that suit?

SAL​

Well you said I'd need a guard suit.

JOHNNY​

You couldn't have found somethin' from the 21st century?

SAL​

Ah, what's the point? I like to keep things up to date.

JOHNNY​

Get that thing off and find something more appropriate to the occasion.

SAL​

Oh fine, sure, anything you say Johnny.
​

Sal goes away.

JOHNNY​

It's a wonder people don't throw their garbage at you! Ha ha! Get it? You're wearin' a tin can? Their garb- Ah, whatever.
​

CUT TO

INT-COURT ROOM

PIGGY​

My case, as I’ve stated,
How could he be hated?
It’s so obvious he’s been framed!
Kermit’s only just been blamed!

PENGUINS​

You wonder why there’s no way to see!
They’re threatening to lock him up and throw ‘way the key!
When it’s so obvious of his innocence, but hey,
What do you expect? This is the U.S.A!

MARVIN SUGGS​

This trial’s going quick, in a hurry!
They’ve bribed the place, They’ve bribed the jury.
You did something worse than stealing cars.
Face it! Your future lies behind bars!

PIGGY​

As long as I’m here,
Froggy, you’ll have no need to fear!
They’ll try to put you up behind brass,
They do, I’ll get Kung Fu on their-

JUDGE​

(clearing throat)​

I’ve been here much too long!
I’m getting sick of this court and this song!
The lawyers have spoken, and now, I’m real ticked!
Come on, jury, give us your verdict!
​

Musical interval with MARVIN SUGGS banging his MUPPAPHONE.

MARVIN SUGGS​

(beat)​

We find the defendant... guilty!
​

There is a look of shock and disbelief amongst the crowd. Zoom in on KERMIT as he lowers into his seat, seemingly on the verge of tears.

CUT TO

Below jury where UNCLE DEADLY stands with a gun.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Very good.
​

CUT TO

Scene 24

OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE

SAL returns dressed in police outfit.

JOHNNY​

Good stuff, Sal.

SAL​

Oh thank you Johnny. I thought you’d like it and...
​

The doors burst open and Kermit is lead out. A crowd appears round him.

LADY​

Kermit, you are pond scum.

MAN​

Hey, Kermit, what will be next? Fake props in your shows. You are a shame to the lizard name.

MAN#2​

Yeah! I'll bet you think your real fly, huh?

HIPPY DUDE​

I grew up on you, man! Penguins! Penguins! They're your friends, dude!
​

CUT TO

NEWSMAN live on the scene.

NEWSMAN​

Here it is, folks! The verdict of the court case The Muppets Vs. Las Vegas has been chosen Kermit The Frog has been found guilty. Yes folks he is guilty of counterfeiting. During these events, the earlier stated crime wave investigation has been set aside indefinitely as the police busily work on this current case. Er, which has been solved. Yes. Who knows when the police will discover the perpetrators behind the crimes that took place earlier in the month, with stealing all the casinos funds. At the moment, it appears to be never. Here we have gathered outside the courthouse where crowds surge and tempers flame, wait was that flame?
​

NEWSMAN sidesteps as a flame bursts up next to him.

NEWSMAN​

Oh, that was close.. Today Kermit was found guilty of counterfeiting and in a musical outrage his lawyer flopped. The jury were certain about one thing, the guilt of the frog. And as the world holds it’s breath we wait to hear how long the frog will be in jail, and I am just waiting for...
​

A lady shoves the newsman over and grabs the mic.

BUSINESS WOMAN​

I am beseeching the world as a mother to destroy all Muppet merchandise, throw out your films, and join me in my campaign to keep the frog locked up for life. If our children cannot be safe shoved carelessly in front of the TV so that we career women can go off and make a career, where can they be safe? I ask you.
​

CUT TO

OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE where JOHNNY and SAL are pushing through the crowds to get to Kermit.

SAL​

Poor Kermit.

JOHNNY​

Yeah. We'll miss him if something doesn't happen soon. Well, let's go.
​

JOHNNY turns to leave. SAL grabs him.

SAL​

Johnny! You said it yourself! We need to help him!

JOHNNY​

Oh, oh, right.

SAL​

Leave it to me.

(shouting)​

Out of the way, out of the way, my friend and I are coming to deliver a final blow to the frog. Nothing he can say will save him from the jail if you will just let us pass.
​

The crowds part.

JOHNNY​

Nice work, Sally boy.

SAL​

It's a gift.
​

They arrive next to KERMIT

JOHNNY​

Kermit, we're here to help. We need you to tell us what happened at the rubber chicken factory.

KERMIT​

Rubber chicken factory? What's a Rubber Chick...Oh that. Fozzie mentioned them once.

JOHNNY​

What happened?

KERMIT​

It’s where they make rubber chickens. Oh. What happened? I can't tell you anything.

JOHNNY​

About what? What happened?
​

The crowds begin to push and JOHNNY has to shout to be heard.

JOHNNY​

What happened?

KERMIT​

I was never there. How could I know?

SAL​

What? We came draggin' our butts down here for no reason?

KERMIT​

Well, I can't help you. I can't help anyone.

JOHNNY​

(to SAL)​

I think the kid needs to go on a couple o' them happy pills.

KERMIT​

Er, I'm right here. I can still hear you.

JOHNNY​

(looks at Kermit)​

Oh.
​

CUT TO

Back of crowd where JOHNNY and SAL are thrown out.

JOHNNY​

What do you make of that?

SAL​

Rude crowd.

JOHNNY​

I mean the conversation, you idiot.

SAL​

Hey, I ain't an idiot!

JOHNNY​

That ain't what yer IQ test says.

SAL​

Okay, so I'm an idiot.

JOHNNY​

Right, what do you think o' that conversation, then.

SAL​

I think...Let's get to the Pollywog café.

JOHNNY​

Are you that hungry. Pollywog will have to wait till tomorrow. I have some more research to do on this case.

CUT TO
​

Trivia Note: All Johnny Sal scenes were written by Scoot, and Pez, and Salmoto. I never realy did much withthem, not knowing the characters. Sorrys to all who found that scene too edgey...​

 

[The Count]

Oh... But it was a great scene. The musical number was a nice touch. And Johnny and Sal added some needed humor.
Keep postin'.

 

[theprawncracker]

I love it Beau! Love it, Love it, Love it!

 

[The Count]

But seriously... How do you rully feel about the script so far Ryan?
And when can we get some more of this interesting screenplay? *By that, I mean can we get some more posted? And if so, then by all means...

Post away!

 

[Beauregard]

Ok, here's some more.

Again, a little edgey for those of you who don't like edgey...sorry about that...

__


INT. LIVING ROOM

JOHNNY sits at a typewriter in his living room writing down his "memoirs" in proving KERMIT's innocence.

JOHNNY​

(as he types)​

So, when Sal and I, mostly myself, went out, we knew there was only one thing we wanted done, and we wanted it done right.
​

CUT TO

Earlier the same day JOHNNY is in the park eating a Hot Dog from a nearby vendor. He begins laughing as the kids run past.

JOHNNY(v.o.)​

It was a pleasant morning to be sure, but I knew that there were a few insiders in the vicinity that needed a good shaking down. I put my best monkey up to the job.
​

Elsewhere in the park, SAL is getting shaken violently by a large THUG looking human (or Full body Puppet)

SAL​

All Right I give up!!

(the thug lets go of him)​

Geez, you hug your mother with those arms?

THUG​

Just get out of here, hairball.
​

THUG starts to walk off

SAL​

No, wait, listen.

(pulls out a dollar bill)​

I think my close personal friend George Washington could persuade you.

THUG​

You've got to be kidding.

SAL​

Two Washingtons.

THUG​

I'll consider it.

SAL​

Wait! How about... a Jefferson?

THUG​

What do you need done?

SAL​

Terrific!
​

SAL pulls a nickel out of his pocket and holds it out to the THUG

We cut back to the Hot Dog stand where SAL runs past chased by the THUG. JOHNNY, who's holding a whole hot dog in his hand, is totally oblivious to the situation, talking to a beautiful woman.

JOHNNY​

So, I says to the guy, "Listen! I don't care where I am in this world, personal hygiene comes first!" Well, you should’a seen the look on Frieda's face when I said that! I told her, "I don't mind if you don't care how you look! But-"

SAL​

(interrupts while being chased around in the background)
Johnny! Johnny! I could use some help over here!!! Johnny!!!

JOHNNY
(turns to look at SAL)​

In a minute! Can't you see I'm busy?

(turns back. The woman he was talking to has left.)​

So, as I- Ooooh, Sal, you're gonna pay for this! Here, take this

(Hands the hot dog to the hot dog vender)​

Now, follow that primate. He's going down!
​

The vendor takes off running after SAL, Johnny walks away in the opposite direction.

CUT TO

INT. LIVING ROOM

Johnny is still typing on his typewriter.

JOHNNY​

Of course, things were never quite as good as when-
​

SAL walks in from the other room holding a piece of bread.

SAL​

Hey, Johnny, where'd you put the peanut butter?

JOHNNY​

It's in the linen closet.

SAL​

...What the heck is it doing in a linen closet?

JOHNNY​

Remember when you didn’t think you had enough time to bathe and eat at the same time?

SAL​

Oh, yeah.
​

SAL leaves

JOHNNY​

(sigh)​

So, as I was sayin', this dame comes-

SAL (V.O.)​

Hey, where's my chunky monkey peanut butter chocolate crunch monk ice cream?! I need my ice cream Johnny. I get withdrawls without it, you know!

JOHNNY​

I think last place I saw it was up in the hatbox in Ma's closet.

SAL​

... What?

JOHNNY​

It's in the hatbox!!!!!!!

SAL​

... What's it doing in a hatbox?

JOHNNY​

Melting! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
​

SAL enters and makes a face at JOHNNY as he laughs. JOHNNY spots SAL's face and immediately shuts up.

SAL​

Wait! Melting??? Aiiieee!
​

SAL darts off into the next room.

JOHNNY
(typing again)​

On a personal note, should I ever want to try my hand at crime fighting again, I would do it without a monkey. The massive responsibility of upholding justice has taken its toll on poor Sal. Next time I shall employ a less dramatic animal to be my assistant, such as a bear.
​

BOBO enters.

BOBO​

Hey, there, little buddy. I hear you're looking for a partner in fighting crime there, fella?

JOHNNY​

Can I have a different bear do you think?
​

BEAR (from the Big Blue House) enters.

BEAR
(sniffs)​

Oh what can I smell? Oh, it’s you. Tell me have you just been eating or do you always smell like burnt banana pancakes?
[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
JOHNNY shakes his head and looks at the camera.

JOHNNY​

I can't seem to catch a break.

CUT TO

INT-POLYWOG CAFÉ-EVENING

CLIFFORD enters carrying a pile of pizzas.

CLIFFORD​

A'ight. Who ordered the extra cheese?

RIZZO​

Right here! Hoo hoo, boy!
​

CLIFFORD sets the pile of pizza down in the middle of the table. Everyone grabs a box.

CLIFFORD​

Any news?

FLOYD​

No, man. In my opinion, which has been over-looked by you obviously hip devoid fellas over the past couple ' years, the frog is fried.

LEW ZEALAND​

French Fried Frogs legs...yum...

ROWLF​

Could someone pass me the pepper?

SCOOTER​

Have you not heard from your friends then, Clifford?

CLIFFORD​

Nope. You?

JANICE​

Like, not a peep.
​

The birds from scene four appear on the windowsill.

BIRDS​

Peep, peep, peep.

GONZO​

What on earth?

DR TEETH​

And they’re back for more.

BIRD#1​

That'll be tree fity for the peep.

CLIFFORD​

Man! You guys ever give up?

BIRD#2​

What's the point? We're just a buncha stool pigeons.
​

A bombardment of pot pans etc hit the birds.

CLIFFORD​

Yeesh. So, we got nothing.

LEW ZEALAND​

I've got a hallibut.

GONZO
(Chopping on pizza)​

What do you want that for?

DR. TEETH​

Ah, just for the hallibut! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!

JANICE​

Fer sure.

FLOYD​

Low, man. Low.

LEW ZEALAND​

Hey! You know something? Maybe I could join your band! I'm a pretty good BASS player!

(pulls out a small mouth bass)​

He he he!

JANICE​

Ooooh!

ROWLF​

I think you're just floundering for a good line! He he he he he he!

JANICE​

Like, not good. Say, what is wrong with a three-legged cat?

ROWLF​

It’s just a porpoise.

CLIFFORD​

I don’t see the porpoise in jokes like these!

FLOYD​

Keep it up, man, and you gonna be writing them jokes from inside a tuba.

JANICE​

A tuba?

FLOYD​

Yeah, ain't you never heard o' tuba fish?

JANICE​

Ooooooooh!

ROWLF​

Well things can't get worse.
​

Johnny and Sal burst through the doors.

ROWLF​

I stand corrected.

PEPE​

But you are sitting, okay.

ROWLF​

Oooooooooh!

JOHNNY​

Bad news, gang.

ROWLF​

What did I tell you?

PEPE
(whispers)​

But, you were sitting, can’t deny that ok.

ROWLF
(whispers)​

Can it.

RIZZO​

Oh boy. What is it? We all out of hair gel, or something?

SAL​

Hey, listen up. Johnny has something to say.

PEPE​

Speak up, ok. I can't hear you.

SAL​

That's because you didn't give him a chance to...

JOHNNY​

Sal, shut up.

SAL​

Shutting up right now, I...

DR TEETH​

What's the news?

JOHNNY​

Do ya, want it straight?
​

HOWARD THE PIG walks past the window wearing spandex with bright coloured wristbands and a headband.

HOWARD THE PIG​

Hey guys.

RIZZO​

I’m willing to bet that he dosn’t.

GONZO​

Rizzo! This is a family film!

ROWLF​

Wrong! It was a family film. I think the last family walked out a long time ago.

JOHNNY​

Anyway, as I was saying...

SCOOTER (overlap)​

Could you pass the mayo?

CLIFFORD​

Mayo? On pizza? Man!
​

This causes the Muppets to break out into pointless arguing.

JOHNNY​

Will you people be quiet!

(silence)​

Now, I was saying

(looks around to make sure no one is talking)​

I think Kermit's been lying.

ALL​

What?
​