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The 5ive Present: The Muppet's vs. Las Vegas

Beauregard

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Oooh! The dream sequence!!!



INT-JAIL- OFFICE

KERMIT enters the office, still in cuffs, and aproaches a large desk. He peers over the desk, trying to get a look at the OFFICER hard at work behind it, but he can't see him. Just then, PATROLMAN BEAR looks over the desk.

PATROLMAN BEAR

Ah! Oh. You must be the new prisoner!

KERMIT

Er, yes. Who...?

PATROLMAN BEAR

Oh! Patrolman Bear reporting for duty, sir!

KERMIT

At ease, officer!

PATROLMAN BEAR

Yes, si- wait! Don't do that! So, you are in here for... uh, what are you in here for?

KERMIT

Er, I was accused of counterfeiting penguins, but I didn't-

PATROLMAN BEAR

Oh! Counterfeiting penguins??? That's one of the biggest offenses made in this county! Oh, this is going to have to go before the judge.

KERMIT

The judge? Don't all cases go before the judge?

PATROLMAN BEAR

And waste the judge's time? No, no, no. Most minor cases go here. I go in the little bear's room! Ah! Get it? That's where I... Hmm.

KERMIT

Er, yeah.

PATROLMAN BEAR

Do you have any special preferences to which cell you get?

KERMIT

What? Special preferences? Don't you just...?

PATROLMAN BEAR

Well, if we just tossed our prisoners into whichever cell we felt like, we could have a lot of complaints on our hands. Have to keep things for the costumer! Can't handle another law suit.

KERMIT

Oh. Sheesh.
KERMIT then gets led to a prison, we see his P.O.V of the prison with a load of Monsters, Thugs etc in the prison.

KERMIT

You are not going to leave me in here with these guys are you?

POLICE OFFICER

No, you are Kermit the Frog you get this.
He opens a door and there is a nice big bed with puffy pillows, there is a table laden with food.

KERMIT

(To camera)​
I just love the celebrity life.

FOZZIE

Spiffy

PRISON GUARD
Well, we can’t have all the Muppet Central gang appearing here in protest can we.
He slams the door and we see KERMIT comes out of a daze and he is in an ordinary prison cell with FOZZIE.

CUT TO

SCENE 12

INT-POLLYWOG CAFÉ

BEAUREGARD is cleaning the windows again, JANICE is serving, and various others are wondering around. Suddenly GONZO and RIZZO rush in.

RIZZO

Guys, guys, you are never going to believe this.

JANICE

What?

GONZO

Turn on the telly.
CUT TO

INT. MUPPET NEWSROOM

The MUPPET NEWSMAN races in carrying a news report.

MUPPET NEWSMAN

This is a Muppet Newsflash. Still no suspects in the big online casino heist as of yet. The big news today is that Kermit the Frog has been charged for counterfeiting Penguins. Wait was that charged?
The Newsman steps back as a bull charges through scattering papers everywhere.

The Newsman picks up a piece of the paper.

MUPPET NEWSMAN

As I was saying the Electric Mayhem bus has been stolen. The Electric Mayhem band would appreciate anything you know about this case being sent here-
(beat)​
Wait a minute that wasn’t what I was saying-
The Electric Mayhem bus falls on his head.

CUT TO

INT. RETIREMENT HOME


STATLER and WALDORF are watching the news broadcast in their bathrobes.

WALDORF

Did you get that?

STATLER

No, but he sure did.

BOTH

Do, ha ha ha ha-

WALDORF

... Sometimes I wonder why we bother.
A beautiful NURSE enters and pours the two of them coffee.

STATLER

Does that answer your question?

WALDORF

Whoo-hoo! Hey, nurse I need a backrub!

STATLER

I haven't been bathed in days!
ASTORIA enters and smacks the two of them in the head with her handbag.

CUT TO

INT-CAFÉ


Everyone is staring at the TV monitor where the news flash has just flashed.

JANICE

What on Earth

DR TEETH

Oh boy.

ZOOT

Huh?
PEPE is standing on the windowsill,

PEPE

Hey, everybodies! I think you should see this,
okay!
RIZZO walks over to where PEPE is standing.

RIZZO
Yo guys, we got trouble...
CLIFFORD comes in through the door.

CLIFFORD

You guys, what the heck is goin’ on outa there? There is hundreds ‘f people gathered out there chanting like blessed inguins at a tribal war dance.

GONZO

Kermit just got hauled off by the cops with Fozzie. They have him on some kind of counterfeiting charge.

CLIFFORD

Who? Kerm? Why’d they do a thing like that? Kermit wouldn’t harm a fly. Well, maybe for lunch but... Kerm and Foz counterfeitin’? Doesn’t seem pos.
ROWLF runs into the café, panting and wheezing.

ROWLF

Oh boy, we got a situation.

FLOYD

It ain’t hip.

JANICE

Oh wow, what can we do?

CLIFFORD

I don’t know if we can do much, I had to fight a big crowd on the way here.

DR TEETH

Now, I hate to get into politics, but I take it as fact that we are all sure that the Frog is as innocent as tadpole on a lillypad?

GONZO

What?

ROWLF

Yes, what if Kermit was in fact guilty?

GONZO

Hey, he is not guilty.

PEPE

How can we tell, ok?

GONZO

Hey, have I ever been wrong before?
Everyone stares at Gonzo

GONZO

Okay, have I ever been wrong in matters involving anyone but me being blown up, flattened or otherwise mutilated?
Everyone mutters similar to “No, probably not.”

RIZZO

Uh, oh. TV cameras.

EVERYONE
What?
Everyone rushes over to the front window where a group of protesters have crowded around the café. Some of them are holding signs that say “Save Kermit.” while a seemingly larger group is picketing “Keep the Frog off our TVs”

GONZO

Wow! It’s a Media frenzy, and without even a hydraulic pogo stick in sight.

JANICE

Like, what’s going on out there?

FLOYD

I dunno, I lost my night vision ages ago…

RIZZO

But it’s 3PM...

FLOYD

Man, do I go knocking your medical issues?

LEW ZEALAND

Hey look, another camera crew!

CLIFFORD

Quick, someone change channels.
BEAUREGARD switches the channel to where the NEWSMAN is standing feet away from the rioting crew.

NEWSMAN

Tempers are flaring just outside the Polywog café, as two uniquely varied groups express their views on famous celebrity Kermit The Frog’s recent incarceration. One group is protesting that Kermit is innocent, and should be set free in a no contest decision by the court. The other group is appalled by the criminal behaviour inherent in the matter and is looking to have Kermit’s merchandise stricken from the shelves and Kermit’s likeness never to grace television again. What it amounts to is a question we are all asking ourselves: Is Kermit innocent or not?
NEWSMAN looks around

NEWSMAN

Okay, who wants an interview?
The NEWSMAN gets trampled by a mob of people and Muppets. He gets up again and chases after the group that just ran by. The image on the TV switches to show BEARD, who’s part of the “Save Kermit” campaign, being interviewed by the unseen NEWSMAN, holding up a microphone.
[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
NEWSMAN

So, your group claims that Kermit the Frog is incapable of committing such a crime, and should be released immediately. Is that Correct?

BEARD

Yah...
NEWSMAN turns to ANNIE SUE PIG.

NEWSMAN

And you’re here at the Pollywog Café, owned by friends of the frog, attempting to convince someone to release him for the time pending trial, right?

ANNIE SUE PIG

That’s right.

NEWSMAN

In that case, shouldn’t you be protesting outside the courthouse, instead of out here?

BEARD

Uh-oh
CUT TO

RIZZO
Oh great.
CUT BACK TO

NEWSMAN surrounded by various protesters.

NEWSMAN

And you are all here to protest against Kermit the Frog ever appearing on television again, is that correct?

FLEET SCRIBBLER

No! We’re protesting pie!
WAYNE elbows FLEET in the ribs.

WAYNE

Indeed it is, we’ve had it with that low-down criminally minded amphibian wrecking the minds of our youth.

WANDA

He’s nothing but a low-down, beady-eyed, steely-jawed crook.
CUT TO

CLIFFORD

Ouch
CUT BACK TO

ANDY PIG

We should know, we’ve worked for him…

RANDY PIG

Shht, we’re supposed to be offended remember? He is just a criminal mind with green toes.
CUT TO

PEPE

Bellow the belt, Ok?

CUT BACK TO

NIGEL

Guys, guys... Uh, let’s do the chanting again.

ANDY PIG
Okay, we like the chanting.
The anti-Kermit group start rhythmically chanting “Heck no, no more show.” BEARD wanders over and starts chanting along with them until ANIMAL ambles by, clamps onto BEARD’S arm, and drags him into the café.

ROWLF
Ugh, I can’t take much more of this.

RIZZO
Hold on, I’ll change the channel…
RIZZO flips the dial on the TV to JERRY STINGER’S Talk Show, unfortunately, the topic is still on Kermit. JERRY is holding a microphone up to a disgruntled looking STATLER and WALDORF.

STADLER
If it were up to us, we wouldn’t let that frog anywhere near a stage again.

WALDORF
If it were up to us, we wouldn’t let that frog within 50 feet of a stage again.

STADLER
If it were up to us, we wouldn’t be within 50 feet of a stage the frog is on.
They both laugh

JERRY turns to SAM THE EAGLE

JERRY
And do you believe that Kermit is guilty too?

SAM
Absolutely not. I stand one hundred percent behind the frog
(beat)​
Unless he is found guilty in which case I have never had anything to do with him.
JERRY next goes to BEAKER. (a spoof on the censoring of the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. Since Beaker speaks in ‘meeps,’ everyone thinks that he’s cursing and being bleeped out, as it is on the real show...)

JERRY
And, what do you have to say about this?

BEAKER
(rather innocently)​
Meep meep meep meep meep meep meep! Meep meeper mee mee mee. Moo meeping meep. Meep mee meep!
The CROWD’s reaction to the comment is that of shock.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.)
Hey! Watch your language!!!

BEAKER
(confused)​
Meeep moo. Meepers mee moo meemer meep meep?

JERRY
Wow! We’ve heard some bad stuff on the Jerry Springer show before, but nothing like that!

BEAKER
(still confused)​
Mee meemer mee mee mee mee mee?

CROWD
Ooooooooooh!

JERRY
Well there you have it, as far as this legitimate showman is concerned, Kermit the Frog has no business ever performing in show business again. So he’s going to find out just how not easy being green really is.
RIZZO switches off the TV

RIZZO
Not good.

GONZO
Nice wording.

BEARD
Utra!
Everyone stares at BEARD and shake their heads.

CLIFFORD
Man! This keeps up, Kerm ain't never getting out!

PEPE
Well what can we do, the trial won’t be for weeks, ok.

GONZO
Well, I for one am not going to sit on my hands and do nothing. Does anyone have contacts in high up places?
A beat of silence.

DR. TEETH​
No man. And I haven’t even got the low down on the high ups.

FLOYD
Yeah, too bad, beaked blue dude...

JANICE
Well, does anyone have any contacts in the downtown places?

CLIFFORD
Wait, there is a friend of a friend who would do me a favour. And he would certainly do something for the frogy. He wanted to get a job with him last year.

GONZO
Who is this?

CLIFFORD
Well, his name is Johnny.

DR. TEETH​
Right! You do that! We’re gonna find clues to save Kermit!
CUT TO




The creation, part 2: When the outline was finalized. We divided scenes to various people. I had several, Scoot had several, Sal picked the opening scene, Sarah and Pez worked more on editing than writing...then the writing began...
 

The Count

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Mmm... Grooving on the screenplay so far. Good stuff here... Link's lines were funny, and the exchange in the cafe is so Muppet-filled... Wherre to start counting the Muppets that show up in this vonderful film.

A few things though.
The joke that Beaker's Meep-speech is taken for cursing started on Muppets Tonight, and I rully don't like that joke.
Is it supposed to be Jerry "Stinger" a Muppet spoof character or the actual ex-mayor of Cleveland himself?
And I'm getting a bit lost with the scene numbering. Is Scene 6 the one with Kermit and friends ordering the milkshakes? And there's another discrepancy. Scene 9 is the one where the cops come, search Kermit's home, and haul him away. Scene 12's the one with all the other Muppets finding out about the arrest and ensueing protests. There's one scene before that of Kermit being shown to his cell at the police station. Hee, "I go to the little bear's room." Which scene is that? Scene 10 or 11? Cause either way that'd mean there's a scene either deleted or missing.
Just trying to help you guys. Post the next part when ready.
 

Beauregard

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Oops...the scene numbers may be wrong...

The Jerry Springer Meep joke, I did not like at all. However, the others Scoot, Pez, Sal,liked it I think so we kept it. I wouldn't have chosen it, and I know if they filmed it it would have been cut.

Also there are other edgey lines in the screenplay that I don't like, that the others put in.
 

The Count

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Well, so far that's the only thing that rully... er, let's just skip it and move right along.
Movin' right along? Sounds like a song cue to me.
Then again, I probably have an ear for these sort of things.
 

Beauregard

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SCENE 13

This song is shot much like Can’t Take No For an Answer crossed with the search for Kermit in Muppet’s Take Mathatten.

DR. TEETH
Have you noticed how with science
Someone’s learning everyday?
It’s the same for us trying to find
Clues for, your bail, to pay.

You’re all only just overlooked
When you’re in the pen.
You’re all tied up, locked in,
Got to try at life again!

We’ve all gone clueless
In tryin’ to find
We’ve all gone clueless
I must have lost my mind!

It’s driving me crazy
Lookin’ for the only clues.
Dust in the corners,
So many choices here to choose!

Where’s that dude who
Gave you the slip?
Set you up, took you out,
And got you so dang whipped!

Foot prints, finger tips,
Hair follicles!
Check every doorway, expressway,
Under all molecules!

We’ve all gone clueless
Tryin’ hard not to loose!
We’ve all gone clueless
Causes to resortin’ to booze!

This reminds me of somethin’ I saw
A long time ago on TV!
This is the sort of thing you only see on
CSI: Miami!
Could have sworn you were through it all
From the beginning, to end.
Did you get my letter with the nail filer,
Or did I forget to send?

We’ve all gone clueless
Flipped my wig, if I could
We’ve all gone clueless
Shouldn’t o’ done somethin’ so crude.

I’m clued in on what has become
Everyone’s participation.
In finding out who done it,
Could use some reciprocation!

We’ve all gone clueless
Sworn to get you back, Pronto!
We’ve all gone clueless
You’re the Lone Ranger, we’re Tonto!

We’ve all gone clueless
Get back into play
We’ve all gone clueless
Today could be your lucky day!

During the song we see shots of all the MUPPET gang searching over the city for clues. At one point ROWLF is playing the piano and DR TEETH is standing by it singing. At the end of the song GONZO discovers a bunch of KERMIT action figures dumped in a gutter. He looks at RIZZO and they shake their heads.

CUT TO

INT-CASINO-NIGHT


CLIFFORD
So that's the whole story, do you think you can help us?

JOHNNY

Not a problem, I'd be glad to help out the Muppets. Y'know it's because of Kermit that I got interested in show business.

SAL

Yeah, before that he wanted to become a teamster...

JOHNNY

Sal.

SAL

Yeah Johnny?

JOHNNY

Don't you got something you can go take for a walk or somethin'?

SAL

Oh, yeah, sure Johnny...
Sal walks offscreen.

JOHNNY

So, as I was sayin', I'll get in touch with my contacts and see if they know anything...

CLIFFORD

You mean your...underground contacts.....

JOHNNY

(typical arm waving puppet fit ensues)​
NO! for the last time I'm not a gangster! Geez, I grew up in Camden, New Jersey, My Dad ran a kosher deli!

CLIFFORD

Allright, allright calm down....I meant are you gonna ask the people you know who work in the downtown areas of downtown?

JOHNNY

Oh....sure, sure I'll ask them.....don't think it'll help much but still, anything for Kermit. He is my hero and...

SAL

(wanders past carrying a shoe by the shoe lace)​
Here flipper...let's go flipper, my we are frisky today....

JOHNNY

Sal, what the heck are you doing?

SAL

Well, you told me to go take something for a walk.

JOHNNY

Nevermind that, we got a job to do.

SAL

Really? Can Flipper come with us?

JOHNNY

Nah, go get the hat stand to baby-sit flipper again....

SAL

Okay. Johnny
(walks off again)​

CLIFFORD

He's really something else isn't he?

JOHNNY
Yeah but he makes a good banana split. Anyway, you don't have to worry, we'll get right on the case...
CUT TO

EXT-OFFICE BUILDING


The building in dark with drapes pulled over the windows, over the black door is a sign saying sign saying Boar, L. T. and Sandwich, lawyers. (NOTE: On the desk later is headed paper with the initials of the company on it, B. L. T. Sandwich, lawyers.)

Standing looking up at the building is EMILY BEAR.

EMILY BEAR
Well, it doesn’t look promising.
EMILY walks through the door into a reception area where MISS PIGGY is standing behind the reception desk with a phone to one ear and arguing with a Muppet animal of some kind.

MISS PIGGY
(to phone)​
Yes, we stand for order.
A monster stands up.

MONSTER
Fried chicken and pizza! (SS reference)

MISS PIGGY​
What?

MONSTER
You wanted me to stand and order.

MISS PIGGY
Shut up.
(to phone)​
No not you. There is a monster being a nuisance. So, you want to sue Sue for the sewing she sewed so soon?

WEIRD ANIMAL AT DESK
Excuse me Pig. I need a lawyer here and I mean to get one.

MISS PIGGY​
(To animal)​
Hang on.
(to phone)​
No not hang up...oh brother.

ANIMAL AT DESK​
Who are you calling brother, sister?

MONSTER
(walking up to the desk)​
Where’s my pizza?
(pushing in front of animal at desk)​
Can I have my order?

ANIMAL AT DESK
Hey I was first...

MONSTER
Says who?
They start to fight.

EMILY BEAR
(to camera)​
I think I’ll wait.
Shot of clock: the time moves forward an hour.

CUT TO

Miss Piggy is in an office with three desks, behind two of them are fat pigs and on the other is a sandwich.

PIG 1​
Ah, Miss Piggy, you are here.

SANDWICH​
To be precise: Piggy Here. You are a Miss?

MISS PIGGY​
What did you want, uncle?

PIG 2​
Yes, little girl. You saw that bear I presume?

PIG 1​
I presume you saw that bear?

SANDWICH​
To be precise: I presume you were seen bare.

MISS PIGGY​
Yes, I saw the bear. Why?

PIG 2​
Because, as you will recall, after losing your place in your latest movie for karate chopping the director, when you came to work for us to get a little money back, you said, if I recall, the fact you wanted an assignment? Your first case?

SANDWICH​
Do you remember that you wanted to recall your first assignment case?

MISS PIGGY​
What? Oh, I see. Do you mean that after a month of waiting and being the receptionist you have a case for me to work on?

PIG 1​
Yes, now you have one. You can deal with the Bear’s problem.

MISS PIGGY​
I would be happy to leave this junky establishment for a while, but a bear is a bear if you know what I mean. No class.

SANDWICH​
To be precise: Can we see what she means? A bear was bare in a classy establishment.

PIG 2​
Well listen Piggy. She, the bear, says that her son has gone and got himself into jail.

PIG 1​
He, her son, insists that he is innocent.

PIG 2​
She, the bear, wants us to visit him, the son.

PIG 1​
And we, the lawyers, thought that you, the receptionist and niece, could visit him, the son, in jail on our behalf. Because as you said, a bear is a bear.

SANDWICH​
To be precise: You, the nice lawyer, want him, the son, to visit us, the receptionists, in jail, because a beer is a bear.

PIG 2​
So will you take the assignment?

MISS PIGGY​
Um, t, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I will solve the mystery surrounding the innocence of the son and he will be free as a bird within days or moi shall know the reason.

PIG 2​
Yes, and moi shall also want to know the reason too. Well, you had better go and pack.
Miss Piggy goes out.

PIG 1
She will be way out of her depth.
CUT TO: PIGGY

MISS PIGGY
AGHHHHHHHH, I’ve got an assignment, I’ve got an assignment. HURRAYYYYYY.
CUT TO: SANDWICH

SANDWICH
To be precise: she’ll be a depth out of our way​

CUT TO

Trivia Note: This last scene was written entirely by myself, the sandwhich is based on the charcters of Tomson and Tompson in the Tintin stories.

The creation, Part 3: So the scenes were written, I then sent my scene to Supe Scooter, and he made changes which he sent back, and I edited incorperating them. And on to Pez. He made changes, taking out bits I wrote and Scoot wrote, and addign his bits. Sent it back, I sent it to Scoot who took out bits that Pez wrote and put his back in, sent it to me, I removed everything that wasn't there in the first place and moved on..ok, not exactly, but...similar..tehe


 

The Count

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Was wondering when we'd see Piggy in the movie. And it was a colossally confusingly comical scene at that.

Are you sure the Sandwich's based on those covert twins from Tintin? Or is that a bit of Father Moppet I detected?
Sandwich: "Can we see you bare?" (Refering to Miss Piggy.)
Yeah, and if we did it'd drive Quinn into a breakdown the likes of which we would never want to see repeated. Cause he'd just repeat himself on himself. And that noone needs to see.
Move it along, nothing to see here.

*Cop hurries onlooking Muppets and MC members in the theater on to the next scene.
 

Beauregard

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I do hope it was not too confusing for you...

...and are you still finding it hard to read?
 

Beauregard

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Ok, here's another edgey-ishscene that you may not approve of...

__

INT. JAIL CELL

KERMIT is sitting on the bench talking to O.J. SIMPSON, or a look alike of O.J. who is outside of the cell.

O.J.
You didn’t do it! Tell them you didn’t do it! The glove doesn’t fit! That one works!
The GUARD approaches and grabs hold of O.J.

GUARD
Come on! Let’s go.

O.J.
Wait! Just remember, you didn’t do it!
(as he gets dragged away)​
It wasn’t your blood! Frog blood is green! It wasn’t your blood!
CUT TO

FOZZIE is now talking to WINONA RYDER or a look alike.

WINONA RYDER
You were doing research for a film. Say it with me: You were doing research for a film. Got it?

FOZZIE
You were doing research for a film.

WINONA RYDER
No, you were doing research for a film. Say it.

FOZZIE
It.

WINONA RYDER
No, no, no. Say what I said.

FOZZIE
What I said.

WINONA RYDER
Oh boy.

FOZZIE BEAR
Oh, boy.

WINONA RYDER​
(drops her head into her hands)​
Oh brother

FOZZIE
(drops his head into his hands)​
Oh brother
CUT TO

EMILY BEAR approaches the jail cell with MISS PIGGY.


EMILY
Kermit, Fozzie. This is your new lawyer, Miss Piggy.

KERMIT
Oh, thank goodness! A sane lawyer.

FOZZIE
Oh think badness...
(beat)​
Miss Piggy?

MISS PIGGY
Ah! Hello.
(beat)​
Kermit?

KERMIT
Piggy, what are you doing here. I thought you were in hollywood.

EMILY​
Um, Miss Piggy?

MISS PIGGY​
(flustered)​
Hollywood? Oh yes. I am acting the part of a, um, defence lawyer. Yes, a defence lawyer who has to save the frog of her dreams.

KERMIT
What?

MISS PIGGY
And, I was, um, just trying to get some experience.

KERMIT
In the defence lawyering or frog of your dreamsing?

MISS PIGGY
(leaning in closer)​
Oh, Kermit.

KERMIT
Oh, Piggy.
They go to kiss but bang their heads on the bars.

EMILY
(whispering)​
Fozzie, what’s going on?

FOZZIE​
(whispering)​
Oh ma, that is Miss Piggy. I don’t think you have been introduced. But she has a crush on Kermit.

EMILY​
(whispering)​
Oh right.

MISS PIGGY
Well, Kermit. I will have you out of here in no time.
MISS PIGGY walks away, blowing a kiss.

FOZZIE
Oh thanks.
MISS PIGGY swings round and gives FOZZIE a withering look.

EMILY BEAR turns to KERMIT

EMILY
What was that all about?

___

Trivia note: Looking back, I don't get this scene at all...
KERMIT continues to stare into space.

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The Count

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Very good... The last scene #13 I think... Was able to follow it, and it went over like gangbusters... The monster standing up to order, the little weird animal getting in between Piggy and her phone conversation, BLT Sandwich, the Sandwich's dialogue...

And since I'm at my campus cubicle's computer I'm reading it better here at home. Course, the "insert, insert, insert" above were in the way again, but is hokay.
The funny of the scene above at the jail cell is with the cameos and their lines.

Just along for what seems to be a wonderful ride here.
 
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