The 5ive Present: The Muppet's vs. Las Vegas

[Beauregard]

SCENE 5

OUTSIDE CAFÉ-SAME DAY

The café is on the outskirts of Vegas. It looks a bit shabby. The sign is creaking and reads, ‘Pollywog café. Owned and run by The Electric Mayhem, for lack of anything better to do.’ The door is falling off and assign is hanging on it saying, ‘Go round the other side.’ Camera pans round to other side of the café and it is bright and shiny and new looking. There are some large windows with Pollywog Café painted on them. Placed in the windows are various musical instruments from The Muppet Show.

ROWLF is standing outside the café. There is a light breeze. Two birds and WALDO C. GRAPHIC fly past.

ROWLF​

(singing)​

Oh, It's opening time again...
And once more we'll face the crowd
Of people who all come here. You won't
Find a sign saying "No Dog's Alowed".

ANIMAL​

(running past)​

No Dogs! No Dogs! No Dogs! No Dogs!

FLOYD​

(getting dragged behind him)​

No, Animal! Stop! Cease! Halt!
​

CUBA GOODING JR runs past the other way.

CUBA GOODING JR.​

And it’s Snow Dogs, Snow Dogs, Snow Dogs.
​

ROWLF looks into the camera and shrugs his shoulders.

ROWLF​

Well, you know what they say, sing a stupid song...
​

ROWLF heads into the cafe where things are jamming! There are bright colourful lights. Around the café are round tables. On the walls are memorabilia from the other Muppet Films and The Muppet Show. Most of the memorabilia is musical based. There are also some photos up of various Muppet musicians, (including the Muppet Musicians of Bremen.) The Electric Mayhem are playing.

DR. TEETH​

Come on down to the polywog cafe! Home of the hits that tingle your tastebuds, and rock your mind!

(singing)​

We ain't got no customers,
But we don't care!
Cause down in the café the food is great
And the music blares!

FLOYD​

Scooby and Shaggy came here one day
But they didn't have a clue!
No, They didn’t know the food was fine
And, man, the ladies too!

JANICE​

Oh, rully!

ZOOT​

What?

SWEDISH CHEF​

Ve daint gort no custumers,
Vert ve no care,
Caase dern et cafa t ferd es grete,
En de vermusic blare, de blip, blip, blip.

PEPE​

Break it down! Ok?

(PEPE goes into a little dance.)​

BEAUREGARD​

I’m here sweeping up and clearing.
I hang around here all day.
And when we get ONE customer,
We all shout...

ALL​

Hooray!!!

BIRDS ON WINDOW SILL​

Come on down to the bop-shoo-bop...
Come on down to the bop-shoo-bop...
Come on down to the bop-shoo-bop
Pollywog Cafe!

MUPPETS​

What???

BIRD#1​

(un-sung)​

Hey, dat'll be tree fifty fer de chorus line!
​

The birds are met with a bombardment of pots, pans, and vegetables. They all fly off screaming.

DR. TEETH​

Things are really rockin' down here!
Don't be afraid o' comin' near!

FLOYD​

The place is fine,
The music is clear!

JANICE​

We’re Playin' and jammin'!

LEW ZELAND​

And the fish are all flyin'!
​

Pause for effect.

PEPE​

Coffee's brewin' strong
We are open all day long!

ALL​

No customers!
No business,
But we don't care!

BEAUREGARD​

We ain't got no customers.

ROWLF​

But we don't really care!

PEPE​

The food stuffs is great, ok.

DR TEETH​

And the music blares!

ALL​

Pollywog, Caféeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee.

ANIMAL​

Pollywog, Wallypog, silly dog ha, ha, ha.
​

KERMIT, FOZZIE BEAR, GONZO, and RIZZO enter walking into the café.

KERMIT​

Hey, gang.

ALL​

Hi, Kermit!

FOZZIE​

(looks at GONZO and RIZZO; jokingly)​

We don’t get no respect.

KERMIT​

Still not much custom

BEAUREGARD​

Nope, we’re going to have to close if something doesn’t happen soon.

FLOYD​

No man, we won’t have to do that. So, Kermit, how’s that show you got planned for next month here? You still doin’ that ain’t you? We have nearly got the stage finished.

C.U. Of Dozers building a stage alogn one wall of the cafe.

DR. TEETH​

With that show, business’d be booming and money’d be flowing! He he he he he!

JANICE​

Like, fer sure, rully!

FLOYD​

Yeah! I want my honey to be able to swim in that nice green stuff!

RIZZO​

Hey, you’re talkin’ to a frog here, buddy. He swims in green stuff all the time, it is kinda’ a sensitive subject.

KERMIT​

Rizzo. No really, it’s coming along soon, guys. I hope business gets better for you.
​

BEAUREGARD walks past with cloth and start washing the front window.

BEAUREGARD​

Oh, thanks, Kermit.
​

All the others except KERMIT, GONZO, RIZZO and FOZZIE wonder away.

GONZO​

Hey, I've got a great idea for my new act! I play a gargling eel zither while riding a one-wheeled unicycle 100 and 50 feet above a flaming concrete floor!

RIZZO​

Getting a little complex there, aren't we, Gonzo?

GONZO​

Complex? That would be classic! I could go down as a world record!

RIZZO​

World record? No. Go down? Yes.

GONZO​

Well, you're no fun. Don’t be such a cheese.

RIZZO​

Yes, well, I prefer the safety of a nice warm cheese.

FOZZIE​

Hey, that reminds me, what do you get when you cross and elephant with a cheese? Give up? You get a-
​

KERMIT, GONZO, RIZZO, and FOZZIE head over to a table. They pass by a television, and we stay with the television for a bit while KERMIT, FOZZIE, GONZO, and RIZZO continue on to their table. The MUPPET NEWSMAN races into the NEWSROOM on the television.

NEWSMAN​

And now for a Muppet Newsflash. This just in: there’s been a new discovery in the recent crime wave going through Las Vegas. Several new programs have been discovered in the casinos of several gambling establishments through-out the area that have been re-routing all casino funds to a new, unknown bank account. Since all the casinos have gone digital in their banks, safes, etcetera, it has become increasingly easier for expert hackers to break in through the use of their computers and steal everything these places have without ever leaving the comfort of their living room. Further investigations in this case are being looked into by the Police as we speak...
​

The location on the TV switches to

EXT. CASINO - NIGHT

LINK HOGTHROB (dressed in his Police Uniform) stands outside the CASINO being interviewed by the press.

LINK​

These are indeed crafty minds we are dealing with here!

REPORTER (o.s.)​

Sir, how do you plan on finding these criminals? Do you have a current plan?
​

LINK stands there silently looking off very confused. The TV switches back to...

INT. NEWSROOM

NEWSMAN​

Er, yes. In other news, during a recent online poll, it has been discovered that more and more people prefer cookies to muffins. In this discovery, the U.S. Government has decreed the deportation of all muffins in the country to the Muppet Newsroom.
​

A LOT of muffins fall from above onto the NEWSMAN. We now pan away from the TV to the booth where KERMIT, GONZO, RIZZO, and FOZZIE sit.

...

I'm gunna cut off the scene early here, to post this section...the formatiing takes a life-time!

Trivia Spot: Though the song was largely writtten by Super Scooter, it was me who split it into different singers doign different verses. The birds who later become a running gag were invented by Super Scooter.

 

[Beauregard]

INT. CAFE - CON'D

PEPE walks up to them.

PEPE​

So what are yous going to order, ok?

KERMIT​

Can we all have a shake?

PEPE​

What flavours?

FOZZIE BEAR​

I’ll take a honey.

RIZZO​

Er cheese please, hey that rhymed. Did you hear that Gonzo? Cheese, Please. I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. Yeesh, I’m beginning to talk like Big Bird here.

KERMIT (overlap)​

Can I have a greenfly extra?

GONZO​

I’ll take a raspberry, wheat meal, and mouldy peanut butter.

JANICE​

(from behind the counter)
That’s one Honey, one Greenfly, one Cheese, and a Weirdo special coming up.
​

PEPE walks away.

GONZO​

Hey, Kermit, what's wrong? You haven't even
said anything about my act!

FOZZIE​

Yeah, Kermit, what's wrong? Normally you’d be
all over Gonzo about how silly his act sounds!

GONZO​

Oh yeah!

(beat)​

What?

KERMIT​

Oh, I'm just worried about something that
happened earlier.
​

ROWLF walks over with their shakes on a tray. He puts it down on the table and they all pause and suck on their straws for a moment.

FOZZIE​

So, what happened, Kermit?

KERMIT​

Well, earlier, I got this letter from some guy
named J. Henson, and he-

RIZZO​

What's a J. Henson?

FOZZIE​

I think it's an alcohol label.

RIZZO​

Oh!

KERMIT​

Yeah. Well, anyway, this guy writes me a letter and tells me that I'm about to be framed for something!

FOZZIE​

Wow!

GONZO​

It’s at times like this I wish I’d listened to what my Mother told me.

RIZZO​

Why? What did she tell you?

GONZO​

I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.

FOZZIE​

Ha, ha. Hey you didn’t make that up all by yourself did you?

GONZO​

Yes. Well, no actually I got it from Readers Digest, or was it the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

RIZZO​

So, that's it? You called us down here just so you could tell us some stupid drink pulled a prank on you???

KERMIT​

I don't think it's a prank, Rizzo.

(KERMIT pulls out the letter)​

Look, frowny faces. That's a warning.

GONZO​

Wow! A real mystery, danger, intrigue, pain maybe even death. That's great! Ha ha ha ha!

FOZZIE​

Don't worry, Kermit. We won't let anything happen to you.

GONZO​

Right!

RIZZO​

It's a fake.

GONZO​

You’re such a party pooper.

KERMIT​

Thanks, guys.

RIZZO​

Hey, come on. I don't believe this! You' actually going along with this letter? Come on! Some kid probably wrote it! Adults don't cross their T's like that.

GONZO​

Oooh! I never even noticed the T crossing

(looks over the letter again)​

Hmm. Wow. Not bad. Nice penmanship. I especially like the little curly thingys on the G's. Clever.

KERMIT​

You guys! This is serious! Now, I don't know about you three, but I'm really worried about this! What if I get taken to jail? Huh? Then what?

FOZZIE​

They serve steak on Saturdays.
​

They all stare at FOZZIE for a moment when they are distracted by the sound of the door opening. They turn to look as SCOOTER enters in a rush.

SCOOTER​

Phew! Sorry, I'm late, boss. I had a job interview.

KERMIT​

You didn't miss much, apparently.

RIZZO​

Steak on Saturdays. Ha!

SCOOTER​

You guys want to hear about my new job? It's just great! I've got-

KERMIT​

Er, not now, Scooter. We're kind of busy right now.

SCOOTER​

Well, what are you doing?

RIZZO​

There's the question for you!

KERMIT​

Er, I got this letter today.
​

KERMIT hands SCOOTER the letter and SCOOTER looks it over.

SCOOTER​

Hmmm. Oooh! I like the little curly thingy he does with his G's.

GONZO​

Yeah, you like that? Did you notice the T crossing? That's good.

SCOOTER​

Oooh! A T crosser! ...
​

SCOOTER finishes the letter during a few moments of uncomfortable silence, during which, KERMIT, FOZZIE, GONZO, and RIZZO shift in their seats waiting. SCOOTER finishes, and looks up from the letter.

SCOOTER​

What's a J. Henson?

KERMIT​

Don't ask.

(beat)​

So, what should I do? I can't just do nothing!
​

Another few moments of uncomfortable silence.

KERMIT​

Well???

RIZZO​

It's a prank! An obvious prank.

KERMIT​

Well, it may be, but there's a good chance that it isn't, I don't want to take that chance. We could be dealing with an incredible mastermind who will stop at nothing!

FOZZIE​

(beat)​

Over-acting is a gift.

KERMIT​

Fozzie, I am not talking about an over-actor.

RIZZO​

Over eating is great to, remember that night-

KERMIT​

We are talking about something serious. Will you listen up?

FOZZIE​

Ok, Kermit.

KERMIT​

According to this letter I am going to be framed. It could be now. It could be later.

RIZZO​

It could be never.

KERMIT​

Oh brother.

GONZO​

Hey, can we be Kermit’s Eleven like in the movies?

FOZZIE​

But there isn’t eleven of us.

GONZO​

Sure if you want to be technical.
​

A few moments of silence as they all look at Gonzo strangely, and we pan across to the counter where BEAUREGARD is wiping off the table. He has over-heard the whole conversation.

BEAUREGARD​

Oh, no! Kermit's going to be in some re-al trouble! I'd better tell the others.
​

BEAUREGARD runs off.

CUT TO

Trivia Spot: The whoel Letter scene was written by Supe Scooter. I wrote the Hitchhiker Reference, however, also I wrote teh orders of the milkshakes.

 

[theprawncracker]

This scene was perfect! And so terribly Muppety!

 

[G-MAN]

Yeah "I love the little curley things on the gs" "Ooh a t-crosser." Just hilarious.

 

[MrsPepper]

Those running gags (like the t's and g's) just made my day. Really excellent stuff. ^_^
Um, and GREAT writing for all of the characters. Opening Kermit song was fantastic, and the writing for Sal was great.

 

[The Count]

Good job Bo and others of the 5IVE. But personally... Could do without all the "block quotes" mussing up the read-through.

Looking forward to the rest of the screenplay.

It'll be boffo! Fantastic! Great! I'm telling you it'll be a sure smash hit Lenny!
You're beautiful Lenny, don't ever change!
*Leaves behind copy of Manhattan Melodies.

 

[Whatever]

I love the J. Henson comment from Fozzie!

 

[Beauregard]

Yeah, sorry about that Count, but it's all written in Screenplay Format, and that's the way it's been done.

Thanks for all the coment s guys, more coming today with lines from Floyd, Chef, and Rowlf, and a development of a plan!

 

[Effralyo]

*In variety voice*
...We-eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll!.......
You know you`re always perfect,GARD!
You`re always perfect, Gard!
You`re always glarkly, Gard,
You`re always larky, Gard! - C`mon, c`mon....
Gard!
Script is worth an Oscar, Gard!
Script is worth`a browsing, Gard!
Script is kinda rully, Gard!-C`mon, c`mon...
I`m just fascinated! Well concocted!

 

[Beauregard]

SCENE 7

INT-KITCHEN- SAME DAY

ROWLF, BEAUREGARD, PEPE, LEW ZEALAND, JANICE, FLOYD, ANIMAL, LIPS, ZOOT, and DR TEETH, are all sat around on the counters and such while THE SWEDISH CHEF is stirring something on the cooker. They all look slightly shocked.

BEAUREGARD​

So its’ like that. I can hardly believe it myself.

(beat)​

And I’ll believe anything.

DR TEETH​

(Sarcastically)​

Yer, talk about it.

BEAUREGARD​

You really want me to?

JANICE​

Like, he was being sarcastic, fer sure.

ROWLF​

We all know sarcasm doesn’t work on members of the species of, um, whatever Bo is.

PEPE​

So Kermit is going to be framed?

FLOYD​

As framed as Mona Lisa, dude.

LEW ZEALAND​

Sounds like he’s going down.

FLOYD​

He’s going so down he’ll need a plumber to get him back up.

ROWLF​

But the question we must ask ourselves is there anything that we can do to stop this from happening to our friend? We all know what could happen.

JANICE​

Like, he could go to prison and then our pile of bills...

DR TEETH​

...Our growing pile of bills will not be paid because...

PEPE​

...Because Kermit’s show was our last hope.

LEW ZEALAND​

Our last glimmer of hope.

FLOYD​

Yes, you can bet your boots or stringed instruments that if Kermit goes down we’re gonna’ fold.

BEAUREGARD​

Yes, but fold what?

PEPE​

So what can we do to stop it happening, ok?

FLOYD​

It looks like our options stop at nothing. And that ain’t hoopy.

JANICE​

Like, is there really nothing we can do?

LEW ZEALAND​

Not really.

DR TEETH​

No sir, unless we were to be guarding the frog each hour of the night and day each day of the week, each week of the month and each month of the year. And that, my friends, is too much work.
​

CHEF turns around holding the steaming pan with banana skins hanging out of it.

CHEF​

Bananananana steeew, endy vergy?
​

CUT TO

Scene 8

EXT-DARK ALLY

There are a couple of large wooden boxes at the edges and some shady looking shadows at the end of the ally on the wall. One is Uncle Deadly’s shadow.

A tall man with a hat pulled way down over his face steps out to meet SCOOTER. The man’s face is in shadow.

SCOOTER​

Hey this place sure is spooky. You scared me jumping out like that.

MAN​

I did not jump out. I, sort of, peeled of the wall in a scary and impressive manner.

SCOOTER​

I hope you don’t do that all the time.

MAN​

Of course I do. It is necessary to provide atmosphere.

SCOOTER​

I don’t know what type of atmosphere you are talking about but I hope there’s no o’zone layer.

MAN​

(Puzzled)​

What?

(beat)​

Here take this.

(hands SCOOTER a package)​

And you know what to do with it.

SCOOTER​

Oh sure.

(To himself)​

I am not sure about this bunch. Still they seem nice enough. They’ve offered me a pay rise already.

(to camera)​

That's called plot exposition...
​

CUT TO

SCENE 9

CARD: Several days later.

EXT-OUTSIDE KERMIT’S HOUSE-SUNNY.

BIG BIRD is walking down the street. A car pulls over in front of him and he walks over to it. Inside are two cameos possibly two other members of Sesame cast, Maria and someone.

BIG BIRD​

Hey, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?​

The cameos stare at the camera confused and so does BIG BIRD.

Camera swings round to show FOZZIE and KERMIT are in deck chairs out the front of the house. After a moment or two several vehicles go by on the road, including the Hoob’s bus

FOZZIE BEAR​

Well, Kermit nothing has happened to you. You’re not in jail yet.

KERMIT​

No. I’m glad.

FOZZIE BEAR​

So do you want to hear my new joke?

KERMIT​

On second thoughts-
​

Enter SCOOTER on bicycle. He jumps of it and goes over to KERMIT.

SCOOTER​

Here, Kermit. I got another package for you.

KERMIT​

(takes package)​

Hey, you know, you’ve been handing me a lot of these lately, and I can never get them open. What the heck are they?

SCOOTER​

I don’t know.

(sounding rather guilty)​

I don’t open your mail

(beat)​

much. The steam sometimes accidentally opens your letters while I’m carrying them through the-

KERMIT​

Hey this tape seems more loose than on the others. Er, one moment Scooter. Are you sure you don’t know what’s in these?

SCOOTER​

Sorry, guys. Got to go.

(beat)​

Hey, look. They gave me a pay rise.
​

SCOOTER jumps onto his bike and cycles away.

KERMIT​

What’s up with him?

FOZZIE BEAR​

This could be bad news.

KERMIT​

Fozzie. What do you think I should do about that being framed letter? Should I talk to the police?

FOZZIE BEAR​

Well, if you wanted to you could, because they are here.

KERMIT​

What?
​

Three policemen enter walking toward Kermit and Fozzie, one of them is UNCLE DEADLY, one is LINK HOGTHROB and one is a human CAMEO. (Steve Martin? Will Smith?)

FOZZIE BEAR​

Oh dear.
​

Policemen walk up to KERMIT.

CAMEO​

Are you Kermit the Frog?

KERMIT​

Yes.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Do you live here?

KERMIT​

Yes.

LINK HOGTHROB​

Nice house, wish I lived here.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Shut up, will you?

CAMEO​

We have a warrant to search your house, Kermit.

FOZZIE BEAR​

A warren? What would Warren have to do with our arrest? What did we ever do to him?

CAMEO​

No. No, no. A WARRANT! Warren isn’t even here.

FOZZIE​

Did Warren do something wrong?

CAMEO​

There is no Warren!!!

FOZZIE​

(beat)​

Poor Warren.

CAMEO​

(to KERMIT)​

We need to search your house.

KERMIT​

Sure go ahead, but I don’t see the point, I mean what could you possibly find in there??

CAMEO​

Any number of things. Weapons, furniture, counterfeit objects?
​

KERMIT gulps.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Never mind that lets search the house.

CAMEO​

Chef Inspector Link can you stay here and make sure the frog doesn’t fly the coop. (NOTE: Chef was intentional)
​

UNCLE DEADLY and CAMEO go inside.

LINK HOGTHROB​

How could he fly the coop? He hasn’t got wings and he’s not in a coop.

FOZZIE BEAR​

Kermit, what about that stuff that Scooter delivered. Maybe he’s in with this whole counterfeiting thing.

KERMIT​

You don’t suspect Scooter do you?

FOZZIE BEAR​

Well, I don’t know. Quick, open the box, lets see what’s in it.
​

Kermit opens the box and finds a counterfeit penguin in it. The counterfeit penguin looks just like an ordinary Mupet Penguin.

UNCLE DEADLY comes to the upstairs window.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Link, we have found the stuff. It was in his room.

LINK​

Is that good or bad?
​

LINK notices what Kermit is holding.

LINK​

What is that?
​

KERMIT puts the box behind his back. The CAMEO walks up behind KERMIT and puts his hands on KERMIT’s shoulders.

CAMEO​

That looks like definite proof. I arrest you in the name of the law, and I warn you that everything, well, almost everything you say can and will be used against you in court.

FOZZIE BEAR​

If you take Kermit you’ll have to take me.

UNCLE DEADLY​

Sure, rug, anything you say.

KERMIT​

Gosh, Fozzie. That was noble.

FOZZIE BEAR​

Thanks

KERMIT​

Stupid, but noble.
​

CUT TO


Trivia Note: Much of the Policeman scene was written by Supe Scooter, however, Link' lines were done by myself. As was the majority of the kitchen scene. Including Chef lines. However, it was Super Scooter who did "And that my friends is far too much hard work..."

The creation, part 1: How did this screenplay work? Well, what we did was develop a basic idea of story on the site here, then i created an outline, and so did SS. I edited his and mine together, and we sent it to Pez and Sal and added their additions, and then to Sarah who made few suggestinons. When the out line was finalized...