Chapter 6: Working It Out
“Gee, thanks, Alan,” said Kermit. “We sure appreciate your help getting the house up to code. Some of this is complicated.”
“No problem, Kermit,” said Alan. “You know we’re always ready to help you guys when we can.”
“Thanks, Alan. I knew I could count on my friends from the Street for help.”
“Sure thing!” agreed Alan. “Gordon and Susan are coming over tomorrow and bringing lunch for everyone.”
“Well, we sure are grateful for all the help. You don’t exactly plan for these things, but now that we’re into it, I think we’re making some progress.”
“Really? Good!”
“Well, you see, we divided up into teams, you know? And I’m working on getting the wheelchair ramp built here, and there are crews working all over the house.”
“That’s fantastic! Sounds like you guys are very organized.”
“Oh, yeah!” said Kermit firmly. “There’s even a team working on installing an elevator.”
No sooner did these words leave Kermit's lips than an explosion even Beethoven could have heard rang out through the air. Kermit and Alan startled, and looked up to find a huge mushroom cloud of dust and debris hanging over the house. From the roof, which now apparently had an access port, Rizzo waved to Kermit.
"Hey Kermit!" he said. "We got your elevator shaft right here!"
Alan looked concerned. "Should we--should we go see?"
Kermit shook his head. "No," he said firmly. "Best not to know. Now—about that ramp…"
"Ready with that sledge hammer Animal?" asked Floyd Pepper. He had managed to mask some of his hip-ness in a non-descript coverall, and his longish hair was pulled back into a ponytail. A purple kerchief was tied around his head, clashing gloriously with his red hair. A pair of work gloves were tucked into the tool belt slung around his slim hips.
A succession of three smashes was heard—three distinct crashes of noise that made his ears smart. "Heh heh. Guess so," he muttered. “Um, good job, Animal.”
“Floyd! But--but that was the wrong wall," wailed Scooter. “We weren’t going to replace that wall!” Scooter was wearing a jumpsuit as well, but he had a green baseball cap on backwards to protect his hair, and he was wearing canvas gloves to protect his hands. He had goggles on over his glasses to protect his eyes from all the dust, giving him a slightly bug-eyed look.
"Hey man, don't tell him," said Floyd. "He wants to help, and you’ll just hurt his feelings."
Scooter subsided, resigned. “Oh, okay. Might as well redo the whole thing while we’re at it.”
There was a penguin behind Scooter. "Oh, hi Zany," the young muppet said. "Could you get me a level?"
"A level what?" said Zany, then laughed uproariously at his own joke. A dozen other penguin voices joined in the raucous laughter as he moved off to find the tool in question.
"Great," Scooter muttered. "Just great. I'm stuck between the penguins and the band. Again!" He sighed again and consulted the blueprints. “Animal—can you look inside the wall there?” Scooter asked.
Animal did more than look—he climbed inside the hole and scrabbled around. Floyd came over and peered over Scooter’s shoulder. The contrast of their fiery hair was something to behold.
“Let’s see—we’re going to have to move the tub over, and make room for a wheel-in shower,” said Floyd, tapping the blueprint with a fingernail. “We’re gonna need to tap into the main water line.”
From deep inside the wall, Animal’s voice said, “Tap in! Tap in!”
“Um, there isn’t a shut-off valve here,” Scooter continued, “but I asked Winky Pinkerton to shut off the water at the street.”
Long association with muppet projects—and with penguins—should have prepared the two men for what happened next. One minute they were looking at the plans, then Animal’s face appeared in the opening in the wall, a pipe between his teeth. “Tap in?” he asked. Before they could form a response, water began to shoot out of the hole, soaking the three of them soundly.
“Sho-wer,” said Animal with satisfaction.
“Winky!” bellowed Scooter, then turned and glared out the window at the penguins clustered on the sidewalk.
“What do you want from us?” said Nicki Napoleon. “We don’t even have opposable thumbs!”
Floyd sighed and wiped the water from his face. “Hey now,” he protested mildly. “I wasn’t planning on taking a bath until Saturday.” He shrugged philosophically. Just as well—the way things were going nobody was going to take a bath here anytime soon.
“Yo--Kerm!" called Clifford. "Where you want these boards?" Beauregard stood behind him with a serious look of determination on his face and a large armful of lumber on his shoulder.
"Yes sir, Mr. Kermit. We've got the salt-treated lumber for the ramp right here!"
" Ah...Beau maybe you should ah set that down"
"Yes sir, Mr. Kermit, sir!" Beau turned around and only narrowly missed knocking Clifford's dreadlocked head off his shoulders. Years of life among the muppets had honed the musician's survival skills, and he hit the dirt like a stunt man. Beau looked behind him in confusion. "Do you want the boards here?" He turned again, facing Kermit, and caused Kermit and Alan to jump back out of range. "Or here?"
"Anywhere!"
Beau let go of the boards. They fell with a clatter to the ground, only narrowly missing Bean Bunny!
"Hey!" he said indignantly. "Small furry creature here!"
Alan and Kermit and Clifford began sorting the boards into different piles according to size.
"Another disaster averted" Kermit said under his breath
"You got that right," Clifford muttered in response. "But he wanted to help, so..."
Kermit sighed. Willing help was better than none, and they could probably use the manpower.
Or man anyway.
"Okay," said Alan. "The plans say we need to make sure that the ramp has the right grade."
"They're going to grade us?" cried Beauregard, horrified. For a moment, Alan looked confused, then his face cleared. "No," he said. "Oh--no, Beauregard. We're not going to be graded on this, but the ramp needs to have a certain angle."
Beau looked dubious. "I won't need a slide rule for this, will I?"
Bean Bunny slapped his hand over his face. "Um, no, Beauregard. You don't need a slide rule. But we could use a carpenter's tape measure."
Beau fished though various pockets. "I've got a tape measure," he said, "but it's mine. I didn't get it from a carpenter. Is that okay?"
"Yes" everyone said doing their best to ignore that remark
Alan looked at Kermit. "I see your job is a lot like my job," he said with a chuckle. Kermit nodded, then took the tape measure and began to mark off board lengths. Behind him, Clifford was setting up the saw-horses.
"What do I do now Mr. Kermit?"
"Um, here--I've finished marking this board. Put it up on the horses for Clifford to saw into pieces."
"What horses?"
"The saw horses," Kermit muttered distractedly. He was trying to work out the math in his head and didn't turn around. If he had, he probably would have seen the look of confusion and consternation on the janitor's face.
"If I SAW horses," murmured Beau, "I'd go get them."
Bean Bunny jumped up, waving madly until he caught Beau's gaze. "Hey! Beau!" Beau looked down. "Hello furry Bean! Sorry about almost dropping the lumber on you."
"Not a problem," the diminutive bunny said. "But pay attention for a minute. Kermit doesn't need horses--he's talking about the things that Clifford is putting up. Those are saw horses."
Beau looked at him doubtfully. "Are you sure? They don't even have heads, and they don't look very comfortable. How do you ride them?" Bean, who was used to being insufferably cute, tried to have patience with Beau, who was just as insufferable, because it obviously wasn't his fault. He took a deep breath and tried once more.
"Not horses," he explained. "They're just called that. But a ‘saw horse’ is just a thing you lay a board across in order to cut it, okay?"
Beau nodded willingly. "Okay," he said. The janitor bent and obediently lifted one of the marked boards onto the saw horse. "Now hold it steady," said Clifford, and he began to work the saw back and forth energetically.
"Man," Clifford said. "This would be a lot easier if we had a two-man saw."
"Two men saw what?" asked Beauregard. Bean slapped a hand to his forehead, and Clifford clamped one over his mouth to keep him from saying something unkind.
"Um, I think Clifford is wanting a saw with two handles,” interjected Alan. He liked this big, bumbling fellow who was so childlike and obedient.
“Where do we go?” asked Beauregard.
"There's one in the shed, I think," said Kermit wearily. "Bean, maybe you and Beau could get it together?"
"Right!" Bean turned tragically cute eyes on Kermit as he went, letting Kermit know that he was taking one for the team.
Rizzo was not coming today. In fact, no one was expected, because everyone Gonzo could think of would be working on bringing the house up to code today. Rizzo had been full of enthusiasm, and Gonzo had tried hard to feel cheerful about the prospect of one day getting to return home, but the thought of things so different was one more reminder of something that Gonzo was working 24/7 to deny. And the effort that everyone was expending on his behalf embarrassed him, and then he felt ashamed of his embarrassment, and embarrassed that he felt ashamed. The loss of his self-sufficiency was not something he was ready to admit, and he felt mean and churlish and awful that he could not gush out grateful thanks and rampant enthusiasm for all the works happening just because of lil’ ol’ him. Self-mockery came more easily than anything, and Gonzo found he could, at least, smirk at himself in derision.
With no one expected, Gonzo was surprised when a visitor was announced. So surprised, in fact, that it did not occur to him to ask who until he fond himself face to face with the chicken of his dreams.
If Gonzo could have gotten out of the bed that instant, he would have run from the room—run from the affection and hope in Camilla’s bright eyes. But, of course, if Gonzo could have gotten out of the bed, the point would have been moot. He lay still, helpless, but his heart began to race.
“Um, hey Camilla,” he said, willing his voice to sound normal. He looked fixedly at a point about two inches from her face, unable to make eye contact.
Camilla bawked softly and came and stood beside the bed. Her gaze was direct, but since Gonzo couldn’t meet it, he had no way of knowing that there was compassion in her eyes, but not horror or pity.
“Not bad,” Gonzo admitted, then the absurdity of it all came flooding over him. “Awful,” he whispered. “Terrible.”
Camilla put a gentle hand on his chest. Gonzo knew this because he could see it, but no sensation crossed the boundary. When he did not react, Camilla moved her feathery wing up and touched his face, hoping he would look at her. He would not.
She buc-bucked something else, but Gonzo did not respond. After an instant, Camilla withdrew and perched on the chair nearest the bed.
For the next few minutes, Camilla tried with every ounce of charm she possessed to have any sort of give and take with the furry blue creature she cared about so deeply, but it was a losing battle. After an interminable and useless interval, the fluffy white hen stood up, touched Gonzo’s unresisting cheek again and quitted the room.
After she left, Gonzo lay there and cursed fate and himself for everything that he could name, but it was not ultimately effective. The hot tears began to spill, and Gonzo could do nothing but let them. He felt miserable—miserable for himself and miserable for the way he had treated Camilla. He did not know what to do—he did not know what he could do. The only consolation was that he did not expect any more visitors today, and in that, at least, his expectations were fulfilled.
Despite the amount of help they were receiving rather than because of it, the ramp began to take shape. The elevator crew had apparently finished what they were working on for the day, and joined them on the sunny lawn to sweat and lift and secure the boards in place.
Kermit tried hard not to ask, but finally, finding himself maneuvering a plank into place alongside Rizzo, he jerked his head toward the house in what he hoped was a casual manner.
"Elevator shaft okay?"
Rizzo paused in his labors, and Kermit watched and worried what it meant that he took so long to answer. "Um, sure," he said brightly. Rizzo was getting awfully good at blind optimism. "Looks good."
Kermit nodded hastily, not daring to ask more. "Looks can be deceiving" Kermit said softly to himself.
Rizzo stopped, and this time he looked Kermit square in the eye. "Yeah," he muttered back. "I know, I know." Everyone around was wondering one thing: what will Gonzo think?
There had been a time when Rizzo could have hazarded a guess. More than anyone, he could read the moods of the little blue weirdo when Gonzo’s gaze grew faraway and he listened to that elusive drummer that only played to him. But lately, Rizzo had not gotten further than half an inch behind Gonzo's eyeballs. Gonzo was cheerful or morose, hopeful or even despairing, but Rizzo knew he never saw more than the surface. A door had been slammed shut as suddenly and surely as a bank vault, and no one knew what treasures were behind those gentle eyes—no one except Gonzo.
It was a bedraggled and weary bunch that gathered (with understandable apprehension) around the dining room table for supper. There had been much banging and clanging of pots and pans, and the cacophony had only added to the hammering, sawing, breaking and pounding that had taken place most of the day. Kermit took his painter’s cap off and rubbed a weary hand over his face. His slim hands look rough and a little sore. Robin sat beside him solemnly, also wearing a painter’s cap, and even he looked as though he had used up some of the seemingly endless stores of energy he possessed.
“What’s for supper?” someone ventured. There was much muttering, but no clear reply.
“I was hoping for canned soup and a sandwich,” said Scooter. “Or anything I don’t have to wrestle with.”
“I was hoping for anything,” said Rizzo. “I’ll wrestle it if I have to.”
The door to the kitchen swung open and the Swedish Chef emerged bearing an enormous platter. He marched proudly to the table and set the steaming food down in front of Kermit. Kermit looked at the tray, then the Chef ‘s self-satisfied face, then at the hopeful faces grouped around him.
“Are these—are these buckwheat pancakes?” asked Kermit, almost daring to hope.
“Ruundy buc-cakes,” said the Chef, nodding sagely. A moment later, and Carver the Butler tottered into the room with a tray of syrups, jellies and jams for the fragrant flapjacks. The looks of apprehension turned to relief, and people grabbed their silverware with interest.
“Wow, thank you, Chef,” said Kermit. “This looks wonderful. Thank you.” He smiled at his cast and crew, his family and friends. “Everybody tuck in,” he said. Nobody had to be asked twice.
Piggy and the other girls had rebelled at the lack of a bathroom, and gone to stay at the local hotel. After considerable and almost constant use of the bathroom, the woman had declared themselves free of paint, dirt, grit and un-girly smells. Piggy’s blond curls were clipped up on top of her head, drying in little springy tendrils. Janice had her damp head wrapped turban-style, which looked very apropos as she sat cross-legged on the bed. Camilla was preening carefully, her ruffled feathers giving her a tousled appearance. They had ordered vegetarian calzones, and now relaxed in various states of weariness on the comfy beds.
“I am, like, never painting my nails again,” said Janice. “I’ve had enough painting to last me my whole life.”
“I don’t even want to put on lipstick,” said Piggy.
Camilla made a small cluck of sound and they all laughed.
“Guess not,” said Janice.
“Good days work, ladies,” said Piggy crisply. She was not much given to compliments, but she had admired and respected the effort they had put in alongside her today.
“Yeah,” said Janice. “But it will be worth it, you know? When Gonzo comes home and sees how we got the place fixed up for him?”
Again, Camilla bawked softly, sadly. She had immediately communicated the results of her non-visit to Gonzo upon returning, and the ladies had clustered around her worriedly. Now, Janice reached over immediately and put an arm around her friend.
“Oh, like hey, Honey. Don’t cry. We’re here, okay? And Gonzo’s gonna come home soon. It will be okay, you know?”
Piggy came over and added her hugs to Janice’s until Camilla’s tears were dried, but she was sober. It would be okay, she thought, but it was never going to be the same.