Chapter 25
The usual mayhem the Muppets were known for resumed itself once the group was inside their new spaceship, blasting home to Earth.
"Why was the clam kicked out of preschool?"
"Ugh, why Fozzie?"
"Because he was being too
shellfish! Ah! Wocka wocka!"
"Dios mio, dat was awful, hokay?"
"I’ve heard better jokes from a zucchini!"
"That zucchini is pretty funny, ‘specially when he’s paired with the potato! Heh heh!"
"You guys have talking potatoes?!"
"Goodness, frogs, pigs, talkin’ vegetables! What do you eat?"
"Po-Tae-Toes! Ha ha ha!"
"Speakin’ of potatoes, I’m in da mood for some french fries."
"Hey, I used french fries in my last act! Oh wait, that was me frying."
"Si, dat was very funny, hokay? Unlike Fotzie."
"Hey! ...I’m kinda hungry too..."
Kermit’s stomach grumbled and he rubbed it. "I could go for some food, I kinda wish you would’ve brought some of that pizza with you from the theater Uncle Deadly."
There was no response.
"Uncle Deadly?" Kermit turned around and realized that the blue phantom was nowhere in sight. "Oh no! We forgot him back at the base!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Uncle Deadly walked away when the ship left the hangar. He would return to the contact room and wait for Death’s return. But, Death had locked the room, no matter, Deadly was a very resourceful phantom.
He reached inside his tattered coat pocket and pulled out a small, twisted, golden piece of wire. "Ah my lucky lock pick. Long time no see my friend."
Deadly reached the pick towards the door and saw no keyhole. He sighed. "Fine, we’ll do this the hard way."
The phantom stuck his palm up on the keypad and sent out a jolt of lightning from his palm, short circuiting the system. The door slid open automatically. "I love the hard way," the phantom said as he strolled inside.
He turned on the main contact computer and typed in a series of keys with one hand. "Now to contact Kermit and tell him not to worry about old Uncle Deadly."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Mass insanity was replaced with mass confusion inside the S.S. Onzgo. "We’ve gotta turn back!"
"But I’m
so hungry!"
"Rizzo Uncle Deadly is more important than food!"
"Heh, says you."
"Piggy, that’s not very nice."
"You guys left your dead uncle?"
"Si...Well, he isn’t really our uncle, hokay? He’s more of a...Distant cousin, hokay?"
"YOU GUYS!" Kermit shouted. "We’re turning around! Gonzo, turn it!"
"Hold on," Gonzo said. "We’re getting a message from the Gonzonian craft!" Gonzo pressed a button turning on a screen on the control panel.
"Hello there frog," Uncle Deadly said from the other end of the screen.
"Uncle Deadly!" Kermit shouted. "I’m so sorry we forgot you!"
"No worries my fiend, you did not forget me. I ditched you," Deadly said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well that makes us feel a
whole lot better."
Deadly smiled. "I have an alternate way to return home Kermit, don’t worry for me."
Kermit nodded. "Okay Uncle Deadly, see you back home."
"Ah, home," Deadly sighed. "Sounds good."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Alright ya’ll everybody on stage for next weeks openin’ number!" Clifford shouted.
Camilla, Rowlf and Scooter walked onto the stage. "Uh Clifford, it’s kinda hard to do ‘Together Again’ with only three people," Rowlf told him.
Clifford sighed and rubbed his temples. "Hey man, I know that, but you’re the only three we got that can actually sing!"
"I could do my boomerang fish! I throw them away-"
"Lew will you knock it off with the fish already?!" Clifford shouted to the newly popped-up Lew Zealand.
"Alright, if you insist! Ha ha!" Lew turned, and threw one of his fish up towards the ceiling, knocking out a light.
"Oh..." Clifford moaned. "Why did it have to be
that light?"
"Hey Cliff, we really need to get back on schedule with the number," Scooter spoke up.
"Fine, fine! Just do it!"
Rowlf cleared his throat. "
Together again,
Gee it’s good to be together again
I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone
It’s not starting over it’s just going on," the dog sang.
"
Bawk buck buck bawk byawk," Camilla clucked the next verse.
"
Bawk bawk buck byuck byuck bawk bawk bagawk babawk bawk!"
"
Because no feeling feels like that feeling," sang Scooter.
"
Together again!"
The doors to the theater burst open and Kermit, Robin, Fozzie, Piggy, Gonzo, Rizzo, Pepe, Butch and Clyde darted in behind Animal, who barged in.
"Hey hey, the gang’s all here! Openin’ number Kerm!" Clifford called to his boss.
Kermit smiled and laughed. "All right guys, let’s do it!"
"
Together again
Gee it’s good to be together again
I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone
It’s not starting over it’s just going on," the group of space travelers sang as the Muppet theater began to fill with uproarious music and the happy shouting of Muppets.
"
Together again
Now we’re here and there’s no need remembering when
Cause no feeling feels like that feeling
Together again," sang the group that had been locked in the theater all day.
"
Together agaaaaaaaaaain!" all of the Muppets (including Butch and Clyde) sang in almost-perfect harmony.
"Whoopie!!" Gonzo shouted. "Camilla my sweet little poppy seed, fetch me my cannon! I’m in the mood for insane stunts and feats of lunatic daring! Ha ha ha!"
"Man that is good to hear!" Clifford shouted.
"Good grief the comedian’s a bear!" Fozzie said.
"Oh good," Waldorf called down from the balcony. "All that intergalactic space travel-"
"And he’s still not funny!" Statler finished.
"Do ho ho ho!"
"EAT DRUMS! EAT DRUMS!"
"Yeah man, Animal hasn’t change either! Heh heh!" Floyd laughed as Animal ravaged his way into the band pit and feasted on a snare drum.
Robin leaped over to where Sweetums was leaning against the wall. "Sweetums!"
"Hey little buddy!" the monster stuck out his arms and grabbed up the little frog. "You gave us all a scare little bud!"
"I’m sorry Sweetums," Robin said. "But hey, I made a new friend!"
Sweetums chortled. "Well at least you had a good time."
Rowlf and Scooter hopped off the stage and walked with Clifford over to where Kermit had walked up. "Hey guys, how did it go?" Kermit asked.
"Well," Rowlf began. "We’ve seen better days."
"Actually Rowlf, today was one of our better days," Scooter said. "I recorded forty-three and a half fights."
Kermit frowned. "Half a fight?"
"Well one was between Sal and Headless Bill," Scooter reported.
"Yo Kerm, how was outer space?" Clifford asked.
Kermit shrugged. "I dunno. It was out there...And there was a lot of space."
Clifford laughed and smacked Kermit’s back. "Same old Kerm!"
"Move outta the way flounder face!!" Piggy shouted, pushing Lew out of the way as she stormed down the aisle to Kermit. "Kermie, will you
please tell those two dim witted...Weirdos that they’re
not staying with us?!"
"Well Piggy you’ll have to be more descriptive. We’ve got a surplus of dim witted weirdos around here."
"Butch and Clyde!"
"Who?" Clifford, Rowlf and Scooter asked in unison.
A loud crash sounded in the left side of the theater. "Clyde! You moron! I told you not to touch that rope!"
"Sorry Butch, how was I supposed to know it was holding up a net filled with bricks?"
"Well you could think before you pull!"
"Yeah...Guess I could..."
Kermit scrunched up his face. "That would be Butch and Clyde. Beau, get a broom."
"Do you want me to sweep them up too?" Beauregard asked, poking his head out from behind the curtain.
"Yes!" Piggy shouted.
"No," Kermit said calmly. "They’re part of our family."
Butch and Clyde grinned and turned to each other. "Ya hear that Clyde? We’re part of a family!"
"Oh boy!" Clyde shouted. "We get to have Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter and-"
"Don’t push it Clyde," Butch snarled.
"Right, sorry."
Gonzo cuddled with Camilla in a seat in the back of the theater. "Oh I tell ya Camilla, you would’ve loved my niece, Flanzgo. And then there’s Des Filmer, he’s a little strange...But nowhere near as strange as me!"
"Bawk babuck!"
"Heh, you’re right, that
would be a some sort of record. Anyway, then there was Zongo and Xaldin, and of course my brother."
"Byuck bawk?"
Gonzo nodded. "Uh-huh, Onzgo," Gonzo sighed. "Man, was he something else. I sure will miss him."
"Bawk buck bawk bagawk, bawk?"
Gonzo shook his head. "No, I can’t. But, you know what? I think that it’s okay. You know why? He lives in me."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Death returned to the communications room in his blast of black flames with Xander in toe. "DEADLY, I AM SURPRISED TO SEE YOU."
Uncle Deadly smiled. "Don’t be old friend, I couldn’t let you travel home alone."
"You mean I’m not coming with you?" Xander asked.
Death shook his head concealed by the hood. "NO. I HAVE A DIFFERENT POSITION FOR YOU XANDER. YOU SHALL SERVE AS SPIRIT GUIDE FOR THE NEWLY CONJOINED PEOPLE OF GONZONIA AND EXODIA."
"What? Newly conjoined...But...When? How?" Xander stumbled over his words.
"NOT YET. BUT SOON, AND BECAUSE OF THE NEW RULING OF UBER-GONZO FLANZGO, A TREATY WILL BE SIGNED, MERGING THE PEOPLE OF GONZONIA AND EXODIA. AND YOU XANDER, SHALL BE THEIR SPIRITUAL GUIDE," Death explained.
"Th-Thank you Death sir," Xander half-bowed. "I’ll do my best."
"Have you explained the rules yet Death?" Uncle Deadly asked.
"AH, NO NOT YET. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME DEADLY. XANDER, THERE ARE A FEW REGULATIONS TO BEING A MEMBER OF THE LIVING DEAD. FIRST, NO CONTACT WITH THE LIVING, SECOND, NO LEAVING YOUR PLACE OF DEATH (WHICH WILL SOON BECOME THE NEW GONZONIAN/EXODIAN THRONE CHAMBER), AND FINALLY, NO CONSUMING LASAGNA ON THE THIRD WEDNESDAY IN MARCH."
Xander rubbed his head. "What’s lasagna?" he asked.
"OH GOOD, WE WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT ONE DEADLY."
"Lucky you," Uncle Deadly said.
"NOW COME DEADLY, I MUST RETURN YOU HOME. I HAVE TEA WITH WAR AGAIN, AND SHE HATES IT WHEN I’M LATE."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Kermit’s green van pulled into the hospital parking lot. A frog and an alien weirdo hopped out of the two front seats. "Thank you so much for coming with me Kermit," Gonzo told the frog.
Kermit smiled, he had promised Gonzo he’d take this trip with him today (the day after they returned from space). "No problem Gonzo," Kermit told his friend.
The two of them walked into the hospital lobby, Kermit walked up to the front desk while Gonzo walked immediately to the elevator.
"Excuse me miss, can you tell us which room Arnie is staying?" Kermit asked the nurse at the desk.
Gonzo pressed a button, closing the elevator door, he had to do this part alone. Gonzo pressed the button with the number eight on it. The elevator began to go up. "This would be so much cooler if it went faster," Gonzo thought to himself. He stood alone inside the elevating box, waiting, five, six, seven, eight! Finally! The elevator stopped, and the doors opened.
Gonzo stepped out and walked a few feet down the hall to where he stopped in front the door marked 81A. Gonzo inhaled. "Floor eight, room one, hall A. Arnie, here I come."
Gonzo pushed down on the handle and pushed the door open. His eyes sent a painful message to his mind. The room was devoid of life, except for a plant growing in the window.
Gonzo ran in and jumped onto one the beds. "No! Where is he?!" he began shuffle through the sheets. "No! Arnie!"
Kermit slowly walked into the room. "Gonzo...I’m so sorry..."
Gonzo let himself fall on the bed. "No...Kermit...He can’t be gone...Not Arnie...I was going to give him the time of his life..." Gonzo cried into the pillow. "I’ve lost Arnie too!"
Kermit walked over to Gonzo’s side and placed his ever-comforting hand on the weirdo’s shoulder. "No, Gonzo, you didn’t lose him," Kermit said gently. "The nurse told me, it was Arnie’s time to go."
Gonzo sat up slowly. "I know Kermit, I know," he sniffed. "I just wanted to show him how much
fun living could be...And...And I didn’t get to. He’s gone Kermit. He’s just gone."
"Gonzo, you gave that man all you could, and you know what? That meant the world to him."
Gonzo shook his head. "No way Kermit, I promised him so much, and delivered so little."
"Gonzo, it
did mean the world to him, trust me."
"How...How Kermit?"
"Because it was
you who promised him something. And that would mean enough to me."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Uncle Deadly sat on the roof of the Muppet Theater in the middle of the dark summer night. He sat with his back propped against the back edge of the roof sipping tea from a chipped glass.
He stared out at the city below. Few people walked the streets, but every once in a while, one of the stores would close and the owner would walk out and lock up.
Deadly watched as the huge clock above Beth’s Clock Shop struck ten. From inside the shop, Deadly saw Beth flip off the light and then walk out the front door. "Goodnight Beth," the phantom rose his teacup in toast to the store owner.
He looked down the street where he could see the roof of the Muppet Boarding House above one of the adjacent store buildings. "Goodnight friends."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Gonzo stared up at the clear night sky. The roof of the Muppet Boarding House was more crowded than usual tonight. Actual, a lot more crowded than usual, from left to right they sat Gonzo, Camilla, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Rizzo, Pepe, Bobo, Animal, Butch, Clyde, Clifford, Scooter and finally at the far right end sat Rowlf, squished between Scooter and the chimney.
"Well Robin’s in bed," Kermit said to Gonzo.
"Yup," Gonzo said behind Camilla’s back.
"And Bunsen and Beaker are nowhere near The Swedish Chef or Crazy Harry."
"Yup," Rowlf called down from the other end.
"And Sam’s dubbed us moral enough to do a show this week?"
"You bet Kermit!" Scooter shouted down.
"And the penguins, chickens, rats and singing food are all happy with the dinner menu for this week?"
"Yeah Kermit! They all said it would be delightful, delicious and de-lovely! Ahh!" Fozzie joked.
"And there are no police officers or C.O.V.N.E.T. employees breathing down our necks."
"Uh-huh!" "You bet!" Butch and Clyde said, it was after all true now that they had quit their old jobs.
"And mon capitan, the stars are out and the night sky sure is romantic," Piggy stroked the back of Kermit’s neck.
"Romantic," Camilla clucked lightly with her head laying on Gonzo’s forearm.
"Ah ha ha! Ro-man-tic! Ro-man-tic!" Animal chanted.
"Uh, not now Piggy, I’ve uh, got another cold."
"That won’t work this time frog!"
"Oh boy, here it comes!" Clifford shouted.
"Uh-oh, she’ll karate chop him right into the jacuzzi!" Scooter worried.
"Oh no!" Gonzo shouted, stopping Piggy mid-chop.
"Hey, what’s wrong there Gonzo? Need another sandwich?" Bobo asked.
"No, no. It’s just, I forgot to ask Des Filmer why he had me build that jacuzzi!"
Rizzo shot a quick glare at Pepe. Pepe shrunk down in his seat. "Um, about dat jacussi, Gonso..."
There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met.
THE END
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