Muppets of the Caribbean

[Super Scooter]

SCENE THREE

EXT. SEA - BOAT - DAY

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW stands on the mast of his boat. He looks out at the militairy fort and the small town ahead that he's sailing toward.

JACK looks down into his boat and sees that it is filling with water. He jumps down to bail it out.

EXT. PORT - DAY

JACK, standing atop the mast once again, reaches the port. The boat has slowly sunk to the point where he can easily step off the mast and onto the dock. He bows to his sunken ship, and heads off.

JACK is stopped by the HARBORMASTER, as performed by BOBO THE BEAR.

BOBO​

Hold on a minute, there, little fella. You can't park there.​

JACK looks at the sunken boat's mast barely peaking above the water, then back at BOBO.

JACK​

Park where, exactly?​

BOBO​

Oh, you're gonna be one of the difficult ones, are ya? Okay.​

BOBO grabs JACK and starts shaking him.

BOBO​

Listen! You can't park your boat at the dock unless you pay the fee! You got that, bub?​

BOBO puts him down.

JACK​

And... how much is this fee, then?​

BOBO​

... A shilling.​

JACK​

A shilling? All this for a shilling, then?​

BOBO​

That's pretty much it. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh! And I'm gonna need your name, too.​

JACK​

Tell you what, how about three shillings... (hands him the shillings) ... and we forget the name.​

BOBO​

Are you trying to bribe an officer of the law, buddy?​

JACK​

Would it work?​

BOBO​

... Have a good day, sir.​

BOBO starts toward JACK'S sunken boat. JACK, on his way out, grabs BOBO'S money pouch.

EXT. ROYAL DOCK - SHORTLY THEREAFTER

Two GUARDS, ANDY and RANDY PIG, stand watch of a small, but powerful ship.

JACK approaches.

RANDY​

Stop! This dock is off limits to civilians!​

ANDY​

Yeah! ... Are you a civilian?​

JACK​

I don't believe so.​

ANDY​

Oh. Okay, then.​

RANDY​

Wait, wait, wait! I think he is trying to trick us. (to JACK) Are you trying to trick us?​

JACK​

Hate to admit it, but I am, mates.​

ANDY AND RANDY​

Hooray! We got tricked! Do we get treats now?​

JACK​

Sorry, no, lads. Now, if you'll excuse me.​

JACK heads for the ship.

ANDY AND RANDY​

Okay.​

ANDY​

(thinks) No, no, wait! Stop! We cannot let on any civilians!​

JACK​

Well, if I see one, I shall inform you immediately.​

RANDY​

Ha! You cannot trick us.​

ANDY​

You are a civilian.​

RANDY​

Yeah. ... Do you have magical powers?​

JACK​

I can see you're a couple of bright ones. Tell me, apparently there's some sort of fancy to do up at the fort. How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen such as yourselves didn't merit an invitation?​

ANDY​

We are not upstanding!​

RANDY​

No.​

They both sit.

ANDY​

We are down sitting.​

JACK​

I see. Well, how is it you aren't guarding that ship over there? (JACK indicates the Dauntless) It seems a ship like that makes this one here a bit superfluous, really.​

ANDY and RANDY stand.

ANDY​

Well, this ship is the most fastest ship there is.​

RANDY​

That makes this ship the more superfleeous one.​

JACK​

I've heard of a ship that's supposed to be very fast, nigh un-catchable: The Black Pearl.​

ANDY​

That isn't a real ship!​

RANDY​

Yes, it is.​

ANDY​

No, it isn't.​

RANDY​

Yes, it is.​

ANDY​

No, it isn't.​

RANDY​

Yes, it is.​

ANDY​

No, it isn't.​

While ANDY and RANDY continue on like this, JACK sneaks on board the ship.

RANDY​

Yes, it is.​

ANDY​

No, it isn't.​

The two notice JACK is missing.

ANDY AND RANDY​

Hey!​

They run onto the ship, where JACK is at the helm.

ANDY AND RANDY​

Get away from there!​

JACK​

I'm sorry, mates, it's just such a pretty boat. Ship.​

ANDY​

What's your name?​

JACK​

Smith. Or Smithy, if you like.​

ANDY​

Well, what are you doing here, Misser Smith?​

RANDY​

Ha ha! You just said "Misser!"​

ANDY​

No, you just said "Misser!"​

ANDY AND RANDY​

Misser, Misser, Misser, Misser, Misser, Misser, Misser, Misser...​

This chant continues for a bit. JACK rolls his eyes and waits.

EXT. FORT'S BATTLEMENTS - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

MISS PIGGY stands looking out at the sea. She is fanning herself, feeling overwhelmed by the corset she's wearing.

PIGGY​

Good Lord, is this thing tight!​

LINK enters, joining her.

LINK​

Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy? May I speak with you a moment.​

PIGGY​

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.​

LINK​

You know, Miss Piggy, you're very lovely today. In fact, you rather remind me of myself.​

PIGGY​

(to herself) Eee-yuck!​

LINK​

I understand how a fair maiden like yourself may feel being around fair maidens like myself...​

LINK thinks about what he has said for a moment, then continues upon deciding that it must have been correct.

LINK​

And as we are both such fine individuals, it seems to me that it's only proper that we be married, wouldn't you say, Miss Piggy?​

PIGGY​

(from the corset) I can't breathe!​

LINK​

I thought you might react that way.​

MISS PIGGY faints, and falls over the side and into the water below.

LINK​

Uh, Miss Piggy? (looks around; realizes) Miss Piggy!​

LINK rushes to the edge.

A CROWD starts to gather around him.

MAN​

Aren't you going to go in after her?​

LINK​

Um, uh, well, it is, uh... it is a rather long way down, isn't it?​

LINK slowly sneaks away.

End scene.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

*laughs* Same old scardey-cat Link that we know.

I really like the retelling of the story so far. Makes me wonder if the Electric Mayhem's gonna pop up sometime soon...

~ AnimatedC

 

[Muppetfan44]

I love it! Great Job, Keep it up!

 

[theprawncracker]

WOOT! Super Scoot! This is really, really good! LOVED Jack's exchange with Bobo and Andy and Randy--he works SO well with the Muppets! Rock on Scoot! MORE PLEASE!

Oh, and P.S. I prefer the font centered, personally.

 

[Super Scooter]

Thanks, gang! I'll see if I can get some more up now.

I thought of something really fun to do with Johnny and Sal... now I can't wait to get to them!

 

[Redsonga]

I like it ! Centered text is much easier for me to read to !
Anyhow, old fashion undergarments were heck IMHO . It's so nice seeing Jack again...It's a shame you stopped before Jack pulled her out of the water..If I was Miss Piggy I'd have a few things to say about him ^.~...

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE FOUR

EXT. INTERCEPTOR (SHIP) - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING

ANDY and RANDY are still chanting "Misser, Misser" over and over again. JACK is now growing impatient.

MISS PIGGY falls into the water behind them, interrupting the chant.

JACK looks to the two pigs.

JACK​

Will you two be saving her then?​

ANDY​

No, we cannot swim.​

RANDY​

Yeah, we are not fishies.​

ANDY​

Or are we?​

ANDY AND RANDY​

Oooh!​

JACK​

Pride of the King's Navy, you are.​

ANDY AND RANDY​

Thank you.​

JACK hands the GUARDS his effects.

JACK​

Do not lose these.​

RANDY​

Ooh, a sword! Can I play with it?​

JACK​

No.​

JACK jumps in to rescue PIGGY.

ANDY​

Well, he didn't say I couldn't play with it.​

RANDY​

Hey!​

UNDERWATER...

We see the medallion around PIGGY'S neck pulsate a little as it calls out to the Black Pearl.

ABOVE WATER...

We see the effects of this as it echoes across the water. ANDY and RANDY are too busy to notice, however, as they fight over who gets to play with JACK'S sword.

JACK pulls PIGGY up onto the dock, with some minimal help from ANDY and RANDY. PIGGY is still unconcious.

RANDY​

Ooh, she's turning blue!​

ANDY​

Very cool.​

JACK cuts open PIGGY'S corset, and she gasps for air!

PIGGY​

("hamming" it up) Air! Oh, air! Oh, I can't believe it! I am save-ed! Ah, the sweet smell of sweet, glorious air!​

ANDY AND RANDY​

Yay! Hooray!​

RANDY​

You're so very talented, Miss Piggy.​

JACK notices the medallion around PIGGY'S neck.

JACK​

(curiously; almost afraid) Where did you get that?​

In that moment, JACK finds himself with a sword pointed at his neck. He looks up to see LINK, ROWLF and several PIG GUARDS have him surrounded.

LINK​

On your feet... uh, please?​

JACK stands and ROWLF helps PIGGY up.

ROWLF sees that JACK has cut PIGGY'S corset off.

ROWLF​

(to GUARDS) Shoot him.​

LINK​

What? What did I do?​

ROWLF​

Not you, (indicates JACK) him!​

JACK​

Actually, I thought the other way was a bit more fitting.​

PIGGY​

But, Daddy, he... (throws her head back for dramatic emphasis) ... saved me!​

LINK​

Oh, really? Well, I suppose thanks are in order then.​

LINK shakes JACK'S hand, but when he does, he notices a "P" branded on his arm.

LINK​

Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you're a p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p---​

JACK​

The word's "pirate."​

LINK​

A pirate? Uuuuhhhh!​

LINK faints.

ROWLF​

Hang him!​

The GUARDS put JACK in irons.

LINK stands up again.

LINK​

Uuuhh.... is the pirate gone?​

JACK​

Still here, mate. But they have me in these shackles now, so you can act tough if you like.​

LINK​

Oh. Mmm-hmm. Yes, well... *ahem!* Tell me, Mister...?​

JACK​

Captian, actually. Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please, sir.​

LINK​

Oh? Well, tell me, Mr. Sparrow, if you're a captain, what exactly are you the captain of?​

JACK​

I'm in the market.​

LINK​

Oh? Well, what are you in the market for, exactly? Maybe a yacht, or something? You know, I have a friend who--​

ROWLF​

Commodore Hogthrob!​

LINK​

Who, me?​

ROWLF​

Don't you think you ought to be taking care of the pirate now?​

LINK​

Right. Good thinking. That's what we need on our side. (to JACK) Now... you know, for a pirate you don't really have too much, do you?​

JACK​

Actually, most of me stuff's over with those fine gentlemen over there.​

JACK points to where ANDY and RANDY are. They have nearly destroyed all of JACK'S things, aside from his hat, which RANDY keeps down over his eyes. His gun's in "decent" shape, as well.

LINK​

Hmm. Seems to me that you are, in fact, the worst pirate I have ever heard of.​

JACK​

But you have heard of me.​

PIGGY​

Whether he's a pirate or not, he still saved my life!​

LINK​

That's very true. It seems we have a dilemma.​

JACK​

If I might make a suggestion? You could just let me go. Solve your problem and mine.​

LINK​

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Interesting. Hmmm.​

LINK walks away, thinking about this.

JACK​

Finally!​

JACK throws his irons around PIGGY'S neck. The GUARDS all hold their rifles up to shoot at him.

ROWLF​

Wait, don't shoot! I just bought that dress! And my daughter's in it!​

PIGGY​

Oh, thanks a lot, Daddy! Real encouraging! I'll probably be in therapy the rest of my life with that kind of concern.​

JACK​

Commodore Hogthrob, my effects, please, and my hat.​

LINK hands JACK'S things to PIGGY.

JACK​

Piggy... it is Piggy, isn't it?​

PIGGY​

Miss Piggy.​

JACK​

Miss Piggy, if you don't be so kind?​

MISS PIGGY puts all of JACK'S things back onto him.

JACK​

Easy on the goods, love.​

PIGGY​

You're despicable! ... Are you seeing someone?​

JACK​

Just making things even between us. I saved your life, now you've saved mine. (addressing everyone) Gentlemen, m'lady, you will always remember this as the day that you almost captured Captain Jack Sparrow!​

JACK pushes PIGGY away, and escapes, swinging around and landing on a beam above their heads.

JACK throws his chains around a rope and slides down to the ground. The GUARDS, who are in pursuit, lose him.

End scene.

 

[Super Scooter]

I like it ! Centered text is much easier for me to read to !
Anyhow, old fashion undergarments were heck IMHO . It's so nice seeing Jack again...It's a shame you stopped before Jack pulled her out of the water..If I was Miss Piggy I'd have a few things to say about him ^.~...

Actually, my scene seperation's kind of odd here. I'm going by a transcript someone has where each scene is seperated by event. So, Piggy's falling off the fort and her actually being rescued end up in two seperate scenes.

 

[theprawncracker]

*APPLAUSE!* This is just BRILLIANT Super Scoot! That scene was handled WONDERFULLY! I can't wait to see how the rest of this plays out! I really liked Piggy's lines about Rowlf's concern for the dress before her. More please!

 

[Super Scooter]

A scene I've been dreading... ;D

SCENE FIVE

INT. BLACKSMITH'S SHOP - SHORTLY THEREAFTER

JACK enters the shop quietly. The shop is absolutely full of beautifully crafted swords, and of course, other items common to a shop like this.

JACK notices a drunken SAM THE EAGLE lying unconscious on the ground. He pokes him once to see if he'll awaken. He then shouts at him, but he doesn't even stir... well, not really anyway.

SAM​

(silent as he pretends to be asleep) Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?​

JACK takes his hat off, and sets it on the ground. He then tries to break off his irons with a hammer, but he can't get it to do anything. He drops the hammer in disgust and gives up.

A DONKEY with a saw enters.

DONKEY​

Here, let me help you with that.​

The DONKEY saws off JACK'S irons.

JACK​

Thanks, mate.​

DONKEY​

Eh, it's what I do.​

The DONKEY exits.

JACK​

(to camera) Odd. Odd bit.​

JACK shakes it off when he hears the door to the shop open. He immediately goes and hides.

KERMIT enters. He walks over to where SAM is "sleeping."

SAM​

*sigh* I can't do this. Kermit, I do not understand how it is I have to play a lousy drunkard. It is filthy... naughty... and un-American.​

KERMIT​

Actually, Sam, it's very American. Why, even President Grant struggled with alcoholism.​

SAM​

... You made that up.​

KERMIT​

No, it's true, Sam. Ulysses S. Grant was an alcoholic.​

SAM​

Oh. I see. (to camera) Then I dedicate this performance to him and the other founding fathers of the United States of America.​

SAM falls to the ground, completely unconscious.

KERMIT​

Er, Sam, he wasn't one of the founding... Oh, never mind.​

KERMIT turns and notices the hammer that JACK dropped on the ground. He then notices JACK'S hat lying next to it.

KERMIT turns around to find JACK, slowly creeping toward the door.

KERMIT​

You!​

JACK​

Me?​

KERMIT takes a sword in case JACK tries something. JACK takes out his sword as well.

KERMIT​

You're the one they're hunting. You threatened Miss Piggy.​

JACK​

Mmm, not following.​

KERMIT​

You're the... pirate!​

Dramatic music plays. KERMIT and JACK look around for it.

KERMIT​

Hmm. Thought we were done with that.​

JACK​

You know, you look very familiar. Have I threatened you before?​

KERMIT​

I try to avoid familiarity with pirates. You know the whole family entertainer thing and all that.​

JACK​

Ah, well, it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record. So, if you'll excuse me?​

JACK tries to leave, but KERMIT stops him.

JACK​

Do you think this wise, boy? Crossing blades with a pirate?​

They parry.

JACK​

Excellent form. But how's your footwork?​

They move around a bit. With each step, KERMIT matches JACK perfectly.

JACK​

Very good.​

KERMIT​

I'm a frog. We're known for our footwork.​

They fight for a bit, until JACK starts to grow tired of it. He pushes KERMIT back, sheathes his sword, and heads for the door.

KERMIT throws his sword, which gets stuck in the door, barring the exit.

JACK tries to pull it out, but is unsuccessful. JACK grabs his sword, and heads back toward KERMIT.

JACK​

Fancy trick, lad. Except, once again you are between me and my way out. And now you have no weapon.​

KERMIT grabs a sword with a heated tip from the nearby fire, and the two fight once again, sparks flying from KERMIT'S sword.

KERMIT knocks JACK'S sword from his hand. JACK grabs another sword, which KERMIT soon knocks from his hand as well. This happens again and again. Finally, JACK returns to his own sword.

JACK​

(pointedly looking at all the swords he's just used) Who makes all these?​

KERMIT​

I do, actually.​

A few swings...

KERMIT​

And I practice with them...​

And some more...

KERMIT​

... three hours a day.​

JACK​

You need to find yourself a girl, mate. ... Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch, are you?​

KERMIT​

Yeesh!​

They continue the swordfight, KERMIT now a bit more annoyed with JACK, something that is reflected in their fight.

Once again, JACK loses his sword. This time, though, he simply pulls out his pistol and aims it at KERMIT.

KERMIT​

Wait a minute. This isn't fair. I'm supposed to be the hero in this picture. You cheated!​

JACK​

(about himself) Pirate!​

They both look when they hear GUARDS trying to break down the door that KERMIT threw his sword into.

KERMIT moves so that he is standing in front of the only other way out.

JACK​

Move away.​

KERMIT​

I can't let you get away.​

JACK​

(cocking his pistol) Please move!​

KERMIT, realizing JACK is quite serious, starts to lose his nerve a bit.

KERMIT​

*gulp* You know, there are better ways to resolve this issue... uh, did you ever think of becoming a blacksmith?​

JACK​

Move. This shot isn't meant for you.​

SAM, who has come to, hits JACK over the head with a heavy bottle.

LINK HOGTHROB, SCOOTER (his assistant), and several PIG GUARDS storm in.

LINK​

Ah-ha! Excellent work, Mr. Eagle! You've assisted in capturing a dangerous fugitive. And he wasn't too very nice either.​

SCOOTER​

Yeah, thanks! Mind if Link here takes the credit for it?​

LINK​

Quiet, you! *ahem* Thank you again, Mr. Eagle.​

SAM​

It was the patriotic thing to do. Hmm.​

SAM nods once, then exits.

SCOOTER picks up JACK'S pistol and his compass.

SCOOTER​

(to LINK) Hey, boss. Look at this! He's got a pistol with only one shot in it, and a compass that doesn't work.​

LINK​

Ha ha! Yes, there is no doubt about it... (to the unconscious JACK) ... you, sir, are indeed the worst pirate I have ever heard of. (to GUARDS) Take him away.​

End scene.