Chapter 8
Miss Piggy fiddled with her engagement ring upon her finger. She sighed happily. Boredom was never so much fun.
Her bed was coated with a layer of down pillows (don’t ask how she got the feathers, she just did, alright?) that she lavishly sprawled herself out upon in a lovely white evening gown. Yes, it was ten in the morning, but she wore upon her an air of “So what, who cares?” so no one bothered to bother her.
She let out another joyful sigh and felt around her bed for something. “Ah ha,” she muttered, grabbing hold of a magazine and whisking it around in front of her.
Well, it wasn’t really a magazine; it was more of a tabloid. No—it was an actual tabloid. Slanderous Junk Weekly was the title. Its reporters made a very big deal of making stars out of her and Link when they were allegedly together—and Miss Piggy made a very big deal of making herself more of a star than Link at that time.
This article in this specific issue of Slanderous Junk, however, was making a big deal out of Piggy and another man.
This man was a frog, of course.
In a sub-heading of the issue, it read, “Frog and Pig Wedding Details—EXCUSIVE Interview with the Bride!” Piggy didn’t even mind that she had never given an interview to these filthy gossip mongers—it was just always nice to see her name in lights.
Or at least light print.
She blew a raspberry with her lips as she flipped through the pages within the magazine. (She had already marked the pages she and Kermit were mentioned on, so she decided to take this opportunity to look through the rest of the magazine’s many splendors.) (Or lack thereof.)
Realizing that there was no point in this venture, she immediately turned back to the marked pages and swooned over the picture of her attacking Kermit with a kiss as she burst through the doors of the television studio he proposed to her in (it was much more romantic than it sounded) and Kermit attacking her back.
Skimming through the so-called wedding plans, Piggy read that her wedding would be star-studded. Well, yes, she would be there, and isn’t that star enough? Sure, a few of her and Kermit’s close friends who expressed interest in the wedding happened to be famous as well—but by no means would she call it “star-studded.”
Based on the guest list she drafted up (and Kermit subsequently approved after thorough research) it was decided that the wedding should be kept within only they’re closest friends and their families.
Unfortunately for the tabloids, she couldn’t reveal those details—they’d take it out of proportion and bill it as a “small” wedding. By no means was the affair going to be small. Kermit had been around for over fifty years—a lot of people were going to be at this thing!
Piggy snuggled down inside a large pillow with that happy thought in her mind. She loved people, and she loved weddings. Moreover, she loved it when people came to her wedding. (Not that she’d had that experience before.)
Piggy sat up suddenly, sending the tabloid in her hands—and the stack of them all featuring an article about her and Kermit—flying to the floor. “Wait a second!” she shouted suddenly. “I still need to find another bridesmaid!”
She hopped out of her bed swiftly and ran to her closet. She opened it and clothes, all hung orderly by increasing shade, pushed out towards her. “Memo to moi’s self,” Piggy said. “For wedding gift, suggest more closet space.” She reached her purple satin gloved hand into the closet and pulled out (and put on) a purple morning robe with her initials swirled across the right chest area and her name in the same font on the back.
She stopped by her vanity to check the current state of her hair. She flipped it back around her head and carefully moved an individual strand then decided she was more than presentable. She took a deep breath then slowly turned the handle of her bedroom door.
Miss Piggy burst into the hallway magnificently, making an entrance to enchant. “Good morning, little people!” Piggy said happily. “Moi… has risen.”
She was posed prominently in her doorway, waiting for the proper recognition that should come with such a spectacular entrance.
It didn’t come.
She muttered to herself about her adoring public being the butt of her own faulty scheme as she made her way down the stairs towards the kitchen.
She walked into the dining room to find Bob, Gordon, Susan, Maria, and Luis all sitting around the table enjoying a home-cooked breakfast (the first one in a long, long time that the Swedish Chef had not cooked). Much to Piggy’s surprise, Link was at the table as well.
“Morning,” Link mumbled to Piggy—they hadn’t really been speaking since they “broke up” (aside from the occasional Pigs in Space sketch).
“Good morning Miss Piggy,” Susan said cheerfully. “We saved you some pancakes—they’re on the counter.” Susan gave a huge smile.
Piggy faked a smile of her own. Oh great, she thought. They’re morning people. “Thank vous dear,” Piggy said sweetly. “But, unfortunately, moi is trying to watch her figure you know—I do have a wedding dress to fit into in four months.”
“Miss Piggy, trust me,” Maria said. “From a married woman, eat all ya want—you won’t stretch that much.”
“You really did just get here, didn’t you?” Link said.
Piggy shot a horrific glare in Link’s direction, making him drop his silverware nervously. She smirked victoriously and turned to face Maria. “I’m afraid we pigs have a different metabolism than vous, dear—‘tis nothing but salad and fruit por moi until the wedding,” Piggy said, rolling the “R” in fruit.
“You know, Miss Piggy,” Gordon said. “Some whole wheat toast with jam and a glass of milk or orange juice would also be a great way to make breakfast healthy for you.”
“Even a bowl of whole-grain cereal with half a cup of milk would be great,” Bob said.
“Guys, you’re off the Street,” Piggy said. “You don’t have to teach all the time.”
“Sorry,” Bob said sheepishly, “force of habit.”
“Here, let me get you some toast and cereal,” Maria said, getting up from her chair.
“Oh, no, dear, I won’t have it,” Piggy said.
“Miss Piggy, you’re letting us stay here for four months, it’s the least I can do,” Maria said. Maria was now standing—nay, hovering over Piggy. Not because Maria was freakishly tall, however, but because Miss Piggy was a pig, and therefore rather short.
Piggy faked another smile. Of course, humans are always too tall, she thought. That rules out her and Susan as potential bridesmaids.
Piggy pushed down the base of her robe and sat down in the chair next to Bob as Maria went to find Piggy something to eat that wouldn’t tempt her body to explode inside her dress.
She rapped her gloved fingers upon the table in front of her, trying to come up with another option for her bridesmaid vacancy. Maybe moi could offer free cable and a Jacuzzi… Piggy pondered.
~-~-~-~-~
Gonzo was sitting at the top of the stairwell backstage at the Muppet Theater with Lew Zealand caressing a fish and Beaker nervously fiddling with his hands.
“So men,” Gonzo said, “now you know why I called you both here today.”
Kermit and Grover approached with caution to the group of weirdoes; Kermit had his arm on Grover’s chest to make sure he didn’t get too involved with whatever it was Gonzo was planning.
“Oh, Kermit, hi!” Gonzo said to the frog with an excited tone that the situation did not call for.
“Hey Gonzo,” Kermit said with a half-smile. “What’re you guys up to?”
“Oh, uh,” Gonzo’s eyes opened wide. “Just discussing—”
“Politics!” Lew interjected.
“Exactly!” Gonzo shouted.
“Mee mee mo’bama!” Beaker squeaked.
Gonzo nodded. “He wants better health care,” he said. “Beaker and I will definitely benefit.”
“What about Lew?” Kermit asked suspiciously.
“He cares about the environment!” Lew said forcefully, almost falling down the stair he was on. “More fish! Heh heh!”
“Just what we need around here,” Kermit muttered. “More animals.”
“Aw, but animals are so cute,” Grover said.
“I was groaning about rats,” Kermit said.
“Hey, Kermit, some sensitivity, please!” Gonzo said. “Beaker himself is a guinea pig—a direct relative of the rat!”
Beaker shifted uneasily and squeaked something unintelligible (duh, it’s all unintelligible). Kermit shook his head. “Sorry about that,” Kermit said. “Gonzo, can I talk to you for a second?”
“Kermit, you already are!” Gonzo said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “Privately?” Kermit asked.
Gonzo opened his mouth to make a quirky response. “Yes, I know we’re in a private residence,” Kermit said, stopping Gonzo before he could retort.
Gonzo frowned. “Well, alright then,” he said.
“Hey, hey, mister the Frog!” Lew said. “Why can’t Beaker and I hear it?”
Kermit’s face twisted up as he tried to figure out how to gently answer the question. The truth was, he could tell Beaker about the new movie. It’s not like he could spill the news to anyone. But Lew on the other hand…
“Erm…” Kermit said. “It’s a groomsmen secret discussion.”
Grover gasped happily (yes, Grover can do that). “Oh, froggy baby, that means that cute, furry, little me gets to hear it too!” he said.
Kermit couldn’t react to Grover now; it would blow his cover with Lew. “Yeah, alright Grover,” he said finally.
Lew sighed and he and Beaker shuffled off to another part of the theater, leaving Kermit, Grover, and Gonzo alone backstage.
“Come on,” Kermit said, “we’re probably not alone back here.”
The three of them made their way to the door for the guest star’s dressing room. Kermit pulled a key out of nowhere (literally, no pockets) and unlocked it. The monster and the whatever found seats on the couch in the room and Kermit closed the door. The frog found himself a seat in a random chair and sat facing his two friends.
“Guys, what I’m about to tell you… you can’t tell anyone,” Kermit said sternly and seriously.
Gonzo’s eyes opened extremely wide. “Kermit, are—are you pregnant?” Gonzo asked wildly.
Kermit dropped right out of his chair. “Gonzo!” Kermit yelled.
Grover tilted his head to the side. “I, Grover, can quite frankly say that I am confused,” he said.
Kermit tried to climb back onto his chair, but slipped, still in shock and awe. “Gonzo, are you aware that—”
“Well I thought it was different with frogs!” Gonzo said, trying to defend himself.
“I don’t know where you took biology class—” Kermit said, finally climbing back into his chair.
“Neither do I,” Gonzo said.
Kermit took a deep breath. “Well, you’re wrong,” the frog said. “Forget that happened,” Kermit told Grover.
“Well you did tell me not to tell anyone, froggy baby,” Grover said innocently.
“Well if that’s not it,” Gonzo said, “then what did you want to tell us?”
Kermit, having regained his composure, smiled giddily. “Well, Gonzo, we’re gonna have a new movie!” Kermit said happily.
“Oh, great!” Gonzo said with a smile. “Which classic literary work are we going to exploit next?” he asked.
“Do not do Alice in Wonderland,” Grover said. “We already are.”
“Actually guys,” Kermit said, “we’re gonna be playing ourselves. I’ll be me, and Gonzo, you’ll be you! And the writers actually want you to be you!”
“Wow!” Gonzo said happily. “So I don’t get any metal seared onto my body?”
“I’m afraid not,” Kermit said.
“Darn,” Gonzo said, defeated. “Well, what network is airing the movie?”
“Well, that’s the other thing…” Kermit said.
“Oh no,” Gonzo groaned. “Direct to DVD? Kermit, I thought we were past that!”
“Do not knock direct to DVD releases,” Grover said defensively.
“No, no!” Kermit said. “Gonzo, it’s going to be a theatrical release!”
Gonzo’s eyes grew wide again. “In theaters?” he asked.
Kermit did a double take. “Well, yes,” he said.
“And not just for the premier?” Gonzo asked.
“No Gonzo, it’s an actual movie movie!” Kermit said, almost jumping out of his chair.
Gonzo jumped up and laughed wildly. “Kermit, that’s great,” he said. “My nose looks fantastic on the big screen!”
Kermit laughed. “Well, actually Gonzo, we were thinking about making your nose CGI—you know, to shrink it down so we have room for the rest of us on screen,” he said.
“No, no,” Gonzo said frantically. “Let me have it surgically removed—it’s much more painful!”
Kermit and Gonzo laughed together then ran to give each other a hug. “It’s really happening?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit looked Gonzo right in the eyes. “It’s really happening,” Kermit said—and with that tone, there was no doubt anymore.
Grover jumped up from the couch and hugged the both of them. “Oh, this is so happy!” he said.
“One more question,” Gonzo said. The three of them took a step back from each other.
“What’s that?” Kermit asked.
“Why aren’t you telling everyone else?” Gonzo asked wildly, smacking Kermit’s upper arm. “Everyone needs to know this!”
Kermit rubbed his arm and smirked. “Miss Piggy,” he said blankly.
“Does she not like movies either?” Grover asked.
“Not exactly,” Kermit said. “Sit back down, I’ll tell you.”
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