Muppet Fan-Fiction: Weddings Are Disastrous

[Muppetfan44]

Update please?

Missing this story as I sit at my dest at work for the last half an hour wishing I could read new updates to awesome fan fics, but having none to read.

Please post soon; desperately missing this fic

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 4

Kermit never realized how much he was underdressed every moment of his life until this moment of his life occurred. For some reason, being in a board room with two men, a mouse, and duck; all dressed to the nines in fancy suits and ties; really made a frog feel like he was standing naked before the class—except the class was two men, a mouse, and a duck.

At least Donald wasn’t wearing pants.

Mickey introduced the two men individually. Nick Stoller was a skinny, Caucasian man with moppy brown hair and a visible grin on his face. Jason Segal was also a tall Caucasian man, but he had broad shoulders and ruffled brown hair standing up on his head. His smile, however, was huge. It spread across his face as his pearly whites shone through in the direction of the frog.

“Oh, well, hi-ho, I’m Kermit the Frog," Kermit said with a smile, still not quite sure who these two men were.

“We know!" Jason Segal spat out. “I’m—we’re huge fans, mister the Frog, we’ve seen everything you’ve done—okay, maybe not everything, but gosh, we love what we’ve seen of you!"

Kermit smiled. “Mick, don’t tell me you brought me in here to meet a few crazed fans who just happen to be big stock holders," Kermit said to the mouse with a smirk.

Mickey chuckled. “Nope, just a few crazed fans that happen to be writing, directing, and co-starring alongside you in your next movie," he said.

“Oh, another direct to T.V. special?" Kermit asked. “Listen fellas, can we do Cinderella this time? I think Gonzo would make a great Fairy God-Whatever.”

Segal laughed and Stoller shook his head. “I totally agree with ya there Mit—can I call ya Mit?" Segal asked.

“I wish you wouldn’t," Kermit said with a genuine smile.

“Mind if I ask why?" Segal asked.

Kermit smirked. “Because it makes you sound like my sister," he said. “And frankly Mister Segal, you’re no frog.”

“Especially not a girl frog," Stoller said.

“Exactly," Kermit said with a chuckle.

Segal frowned. “Anyway Kermit, I do love your idea for Cinderella, but aren’t tired of playing someone other than yourself? C’mon, frog, tell me you’re not sick of stuff like Muppets Underwater or Muppets Go Western," he said.

Kermit laughed. “You said you’ve seen all we’ve done—I don’t remember either of those projects," the frog said happily.

“We just think, Kermit," Stoller spoke up. “That as far as your films go, you’ve been heading in the wrong direction ever since Muppets From Space flopped.”

“That was a movie?" Kermit asked sarcastically. “I thought it was a documentary…”

“Which would explain the bad acting," Segal said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. “It’s not our fault Ray Liota had a summer job as a security guard for C.O.V.N.E.T…”

“Anyway, Kermit, what we really want is for you and the gang to get back to playing yourselves," Segal said. Mickey smiled happily and nodded. “Get you back together to put on a show!"

“Sorry to poke a hole in your script, Mister Segal," Kermit said. “But the gang and I are still together. If you haven’t heard, Piggy and I are getting married—and we still do the show. The cameras just aren’t on.”

“Well the general public doesn’t know that," Stoller said. “They think you’ve all been on hiatus since Oz—probably before that! We’re hoping that with this movie, we’ll get those cameras back on!"

“I don’t think made-for T.V. movies usually do that well Mister Stoller," Kermit said.

“That’s why we’re putting it on the big screen," Mickey said.

“Yeah," Donald said excitedly. The duck motioned to Segal and Stoller. “Their pitch is that good!"

Kermit thought this idea through in his head for a moment, making eye contact with both Segal and Stoller. “Generally I like it," Kermit said with a grin. “Especially the part about the big-screen… How much of a script do you have written?" he asked.

“Well… that’s kind of why we asked you here today," Segal said sheepishly.

“Oh, you mean you had something else to tell me—besides the fact that I have to prepare for a new theatrical film?" Kermit smirked.

“You’re also writing the new theatrical film," Segal said quickly.

Donald squawked loudly as Kermit fell out of his chair so fast that he hit Donald’s out from underneath his ducky tuckus, sending him falling to the floor as well.

~-~-~-~-~

“Alright, spill it," Miss Piggy said angrily, still glaring at Clifford and the others on the stage at the Muppet Theater. “What’re you doing to sabotage moi’s wedding now?"

“What’s sabotage?" Elmo asked.

“Sounds dangerous," Telly added.

“And what are they doing here four months before the wedding?" Piggy asked.

“Counting, of course!" The Count shouted.

Rizzo nodded. “Yeah, d’at’s the gist of it so far," he said.

“We’re not trying to sabotage your wedding, Piggy," Rowlf said.

“Yeah, if we were, we coulda done it before the frog proposed," Floyd said.

“Oh," Piggy said gruffly. “You’re not trying to break Kermie away from moi?"

“We’re not brave enough to do that," Fozzie said.

“Speak for yerself, rug!" Aunt Marge shouted at Fozzie.

Piggy groaned as she heard the familiar old voice of a familiar old frog. She turned to face the group of frogs still standing by the door of the theater and smiled crookedly. “Oh, look, all of Kermie’s family has come from the swamp too, how quaint," she said, her voice oozing sarcasm and angst.

“Well, not all of us," Jimmy said. “I doubt all of us could fit on the train up here. The rest of the family’s coming just for the wedding.”

“That’s when you were supposed to come," Piggy muttered.

“Beg your pardon?" Aunt Marge asked angrily.

Piggy caught herself. “Erm, I said, I cannot wait for them to come!" she recovered.

“Really?" Maggie asked with an evil grin. “’Cause if you feel that way, I could call them up real quick and they could be here in two shakes of a swamp rat’s tail!"

“No!" Piggy shouted quickly. “I—uh, I mean, no, no, I do not think we have room for them, unfortunately.” She laughed nervously.

“Oh, well, we can fix that!" declared Dr. Bunsen Honeydew as he came toddling on stage with his assistant Beaker following behind uneasily. “We at Muppet Labs strive to make everyday life easier everyday, which is why we’ve perfect our new Insta-Home-a-Grower!"

“What?" Piggy asked, annoyed.

Bunsen chuckled giddily. “It’s quite simple, really, Miss Piggy.” Bunsen reached into his pocket and pulled out a small seed shaped like a “For Sale” sign. “You simply put a dab of water on this one little seed, and soon you have your own, fully furnished home—no messy contracting jobs needed!"

Clifford lowered his sunglasses and stared at Dr. Honeydew. “Dr. ‘dew, what do you hope to solve with these things?" he asked.

“The housing shortage, of course!" Bunsen declared excitedly.

“Mee mo!" Beaker added.

Floyd blinked. “This might actually be somethin’ useful," he said.

“Like, it would really help the homeless," Janice said.

“Useful! Useful!" Animal chanted from a row of cushion-less seats.

“And then the rest of the family can come stay," Maggie said. “Won’t that be just wonderful, Miss Piggy?"

“Peachy," Piggy said angrily. “Um, Robin, dear, why don’t you show our visitors around the town, hmm?" Piggy asked sweetly.

“Oh, I already did that on the way over here from the train station, Miss Piggy," Robin said happily.

“Do it again," Piggy said kindly.

“What?" Robin asked.

“Do it… again," Piggy said with a hint of anger slipping off her tongue.

Robin gulped. “You got it," he said. “Alright, c’mon, follow me everyone!"

“You too, Sesame seeds," Piggy said to the Sesame Street gang. They all followed Robin out of the theater with all of the frogs.

“I have a bad feeling about d’is, hokay," Pepe said.

“Bunsen, dear," Piggy said. “May moi please see your new, wonderful invention?"

“Well of course Miss Piggy!" Bunsen said gladly, handing Miss Piggy the small sign.

Miss Piggy examined it carefully. “Is this the first time you’re trying this out?" she asked.

“Why, yes, it’s the only prototype model we have, Beaker has yet to—“

Piggy threw the sign on the stage. “Hi-YA!" she shouted, stepping down hard on the small sign.

Bunsen jumped, sending his glasses wobbling around his face. “M—Miss Piggy, how could you?"

“Piggy," Gonzo said, “that could’ve provided homes for millions of people!"

“And hundreds of in-laws," she said. “And moi am sure none of you want that, right?"

The Muppets thought about this question quietly.

“She’s got a point," Floyd said.

“Rully," Janice said with a nod.

“It’s less food we have to share," Rizzo said.

“Si, si, and less chance of getting de warts, hokay," Pepe added.

“Bragawk," Camilla agreed.

“Good.” Miss Piggy said with a swift nod. “Now... someone grab these shopping bags and let’s figure out what to do with all of these… things.”

 

[TogetherAgain]

<GLOMP!>

One: Nudity.

Two: Mit.

Three: Tuckus. TUCKUS! Oy I love you.

Four: For Sale.

Five: HI-YA!

Six: I have to go play Maid of Honor because we're running out the door to see the florist. TA!

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[redBoobergurl]

Yay for an update! And I LOVE it! Great stuff! I really like where you're going with the whole new Muppet Movie thing. This is awesome!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Brilliant!

I'm going to kill Piggy for...XP
POOR BUNSEN! ;_;

Ryan, how could YOU? ! ! !

x) I'm sure you'll make it up to me by posting another chapter, eh?
*Nudge, hint, nudge*

 

[The Count]

Yes... Either that, or face her dreaded glomp o' doom. Not to mention one from me if a fiend of our mutual boarding doesn't show up soon or at least have a part to play in the madness of marriage between Muppet mainstays.
This post has been brought to you by the letter M.. And the number Buck!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Agreeing with the Ed boy. X)
*Threatens Ryan with wide arms*
Ready...steady...>3

*Glomps Eddie* X) Wrong target, but I couldn't resist.

 

[theprawncracker]

Oh Ed, your worry for Uncle D.'s inclusion ammuses me greatly...

And hold off on the glomps, will ya? At least read the next chapter first...

Chapter 5

Kermit ran out of the Walt Disney Studios office building cheerfully. His face lit with a huge grin, his persona happy as a clam (though he’d certainly known some grumpy clams before). The frog darted into his motor vehicle and started the engine. He reached into the cup holder and smirked at the sixteen missed calls. “I bet each one is from—yep.” Kermit sifted through the call list, seeing that each call was from “Scooter Cell.”

Kermit shook his head and hit send on one of the missed calls from Scooter. He waited, literally hopping up and down in his seat with excitement. A new movie! In theaters! Everyone gets to be involved! He was writing it—

“Boss, thank goodness, listen, I—”

“Scooter, put Fozzie on,” Kermit said quickly, cutting off the gofer.

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “What? Boss, really, I need to—”

“Just let me talk to Fozzie, Scooter,” Kermit said.

“Alright boss,” Scooter said hesitantly. Kermit could imagine Scooter shrugging as he handed the bear the phone.

“Fozzie Bear here, need a joke, I’m your—”

“Fozzie, are you alone?” Kermit asked quickly.

“Alone?” Fozzie asked. “No, of course not.”

“Well get alone, quick,” Kermit snapped.

“Yes sir!” Fozzie said nervously. Kermit heard his best friend’s furry feet rustle across the floor and heard him shouting at the other Muppets as he deserted them (“No, I don’t need any help, I’m going to the bathroom! Of course I’m taking the phone! It has to stay close to the head!”).

Kermit heard a door close and lock on the other end of the phone and Fozzie began to speak again, “Okay Kermit,” he whispered. “I’m alone.”

“Are you sure?” Kermit asked with a grin.

“Just a second—” Kermit listened. “Hello?” Fozzie shouted. There was another pause. “Yup, I’m all by myself.”

“Oh good,” Kermit said. “I have some news.”

“Oh, that reminds me, so do I!” Fozzie said loudly.

“You do?” Kermit asked.

“Oh yeah, you’re gonna lo—Well, you’re gonna find it interesting,” Fozzie said. “But you go first, frog of my heart.”

“Thanks,” Kermit said. “Well Fozzie, I just got out of a meeting with Mickey…”

“Oh no… I don’t like your tone, Kermit,” Fozzie said. The bear gasped loudly. “I’m fired, aren’t I? Oh Kermit, what am I gonna do? I can’t work anywhere else! Where will I stay? Back home to mom I guess—”

“Fozzie,” Kermit said gently. “No one’s getting fired—least of all you.”

“Oh,” Fozzie said. “Well then what did Mickey want?”

“He introduced me to a couple people,” Kermit said.

“More stock holders?” Fozzie asked.

“No, no,” Kermit said. “He introduced me to two people who are—well, the writer/director/actor combo for our new, theatrically released movie.”

“What?” Fozzie shouted. “Kermit—really? A new, big-screen movie?”

“Mmhm,” Kermit said happily. “And they want everyone in it, Fozzie—everyone!”

“Everyone?” Fozzie asked quietly.

“Everyone!” Kermit shouted gleefully.

“That’s great, Kermit!” Fozzie said. “Let me get the others so—”

“Wait, Fozzie, don’t!” Kermit said.

“But you just said everyone would be—”

“I know, I know,” Kermit said. “But I—I don’t want everyone to know just yet.”

“Ohhh,” Fozzie said. “Probably a good idea. Statler and Waldorf would just shoot the idea down anyway.”

“No Fozzie,” Kermit said. “Well, yes, maybe, actually.” Kermit cleared his throat. “But I was talking about Miss Piggy.”

“Uh oh,” Fozzie said, Kermit could just imagine the bear biting his bottom lip nervously. “She… she is in the movie, right?”

Kermit laughed happily. “Of course she is Fozzie, she’s our star power!” Kermit said.

“I thought we switched to solar power,” Fozzie said.

“Well we did—we had to go green!” Kermit said. “But of course Piggy’s in the movie, Fozzie, I just don’t want to tell her about it.”

“Why not, Kermit?” Fozzie asked innocently.

“Well that way I don’t have to buy her a wedding present,” Kermit said.

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Fozzie said. “Wait… do you mind if I give that to you both? It makes my shopping a lot easier.”

“Fozzie, I was just kidding,” Kermit said dryly.

“Oh,” Fozzie said. “Well then can I give it to you?”

Kermit sighed. “No Fozzie, you can’t. But I’m really not telling Piggy.”

“Why?” Fozzie asked again.

“Well I don’t want it to go to her head before the wedding, I want her mind to be clear,” Kermit said.

“For the honeymoon?” Fozzie asked.

Kermit gulped. “Not exactly—”

“Kermit, c’mon, you can tell me,” Fozzie said.

“Fozzie, even if that was it,” Kermit said, “I don’t think I’d talk to you about it—I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it!”

“That’s unhealthy Kermit,” Fozzie said. “You need to let your feelings out.”

Kermit grumbled to himself. “Fozzie, what’s your big news?” Kermit asked, trying to change the subject.

“What news?” Fozzie asked. “Oh—oh! The news!”

“Yes Fozzie, the news,” Kermit said.

“Well, you know how we were supposed to pick Grover up from the airport this morning?” Fozzie asked.

“Oh no,” Kermit said, “Fozzie, don’t tell me you forgot Grover!”

“No, Kermit, don’t be silly,” Fozzie said. “We picked up Grover and everyone else from Sesame Street!”

Kermit choked on his own swallow. “You did what?” Kermit shouted into the phone.

There was the sound of something hitting the floor; Kermit figured it was the phone. “Don’t yell like that, Kermit,” Fozzie whispered. “You scared me!”

“Fozzie, how could you—why would you pick up the whole population of Sesame Street?” Kermit asked.

“Well I didn’t think you’d want me to send them right back home…” Fozzie said meekly.

“No, of course not, it’s just—”

“Well then why are you yelling, Kermit?” Fozzie asked.

Kermit took a deep breath. “I’m just stressed Fozzie. I forgot to tell you that Mickey wants me to help write the script for the movie too,” Kermit said.

“Well why would he need you to do that? I thought that’s why he hired the two stock holders,” Fozzie said.

“Well it is,” Kermit said. “But they just turned in their first draft of the script… and Mickey thinks it needs some touching up.”

“How much?” Fozzie asked suspiciously.

Kermit gulped. “Most of it was trashed.”

“Oh,” Fozzie said. “Well it’s a good thing Oscar’s here then.”

Kermit sifted through his brain, trying to figure out what to do in this very delicate situation. “Fozzie, listen carefully,” Kermit said.

“Hey, no problem,” Fozzie said. “I’m the one with the ears.”

Kermit figured Fozzie was, after that line, wiggling his floppy brown ears. “Fozzie I need you to make sure that everyone who is at the theater stays there,” Kermit said.

“Umm, Kermit?” Fozzie said wearily.

“What Fozzie?”

“Miss Piggy already made Robin take them all on a tour of the town,” Fozzie said.

Kermit groaned. “Well get them back!” he snapped. “And whoever isn’t at the theater needs to get there—we need to have a meeting.”

“A meeting?” Fozzie said with a loud gulp. “Are you sure, Kermit?”

“Positive,” Kermit said swiftly. “Desperate times, Fozzie.”

“I’ll do what I can, Kermit,” Fozzie said.

“Thanks Fozzie,” the frog said sincerely.

“Hey, Kermit?” the bear asked delicately.

“Yes Fozzie?”

“I’m glad we had this talk.”

“Me too Fozzie, me too,” Kermit said with a smile that, even though Fozzie couldn’t see, he knew his best friend knew it was there.

“But, um, we can still talk on Friday, right?” Fozzie asked uncertainly.

“I’m sure we’ll almost have to,” Kermit said. “It sounds like this is shaping up to be a long week.”

“Kermit,” Fozzie said, “it’s shaping up to be a long four months.”

“Don’t remind me…” Kermit mumbled.

~-~-~-~-~

The phone at the Muppet Boarding House rang loudly. A mob of obscure Muppets raced to be the first to answer it. Two hands landed upon the receiver and two pairs of eyes locked in death stares as two Muppets prepared to debate over who would answer this call.

“Hey, back off!” Sal Minella, a monkey wearing a yellow vest shouted. “It’s Johnny Fiama’s turn to answer the phone—and you know it!”

An orange Muppet with a fairly large red nose and black mustache whacked Sal with a fish he was holding in his hand not on the phone. “No way,” Lew Zealand laughed, “I claimed the phone this time!”

“’Ey!” Sal shouted. “Nobody hits me with a—”

The phone rang again, silencing the argument.

“I say you’re both wrong,” interjected a newer face to the Muppet family. A tall, dark blue Muppet monster with a large bottom lip protruding over his top one pushed his hand into the mix. A much smaller pink Muppet with a long beak and sad eyes followed closely behind the monster. “I think Clyde and I should have a go at it. We’re thinking about going into the telephone operator field,” said Butch.

Clyde, the smaller Muppet, nodded quickly. “As soon as we figure out how to operate a phone, we’ll be in business!” he said.

“Hush, will ya?” Butch said to Clyde. “You’ll give away our secret to good commerce!”

Sam the Eagle poked his distinguished head into the hall where the phone was located and stared at the increasing crowd of Muppets gathering around the receiver. “What is this?” he asked intensely.

“Phone call,” Johnny Fiama, a green, crooner Muppet with slicked back, shining black hair who wore a pinstripe suit said from a recliner in the adjacent living room.

“Well why is no one answering it?” Sam asked, walking into the living room next to Johnny.

“Fightin’ over it again,” Johnny said. “I think it’s my turn to answer.”

“Then why are you not attempting to answer?” Sam asked.

Johnny scoffed. “That’s what Sal’s for, duh,” he said.

Sam stood silently for a moment while the phone continued to ring. “Is he a legal citizen of these United States?” he asked finally.

“Sal?” Johnny asked. “…I dunno.”

There was a sudden commotion at the phone gathering area as Sal grabbed the entire phone off the small table it was on and whisked the receiver off. “Hold on!” he shouted into the mouth piece. “Here ya go Johnny, my very best pal in the whole world,” Sal said as he walked over to hand Johnny the phone.

“Thanks Sal,” Johnny said, grabbing the phone from him and putting it up to his head. “Johnny Fiama here—who wants to know?” he said into the phone.

“Where’s my banana?” Sal asked Johnny in a whisper.

Johnny put his hand on the mouthpiece. “Later,” he muttered to Sal.

“There’s never a later…” Sal sighed, defeated once more.

“Scoot, babe, what’s up?” Johnny said into the phone. “A meetin’? Right now? But the soaps are almost—alright, alright, we’ll be there.” Johnny clicked the phone off and tossed it to Sal. “Pack it in gang—we’re wanted at the theater.”

Lew Zealand gasped and rushed forward. “Does mister the Frog finally want me to do my boomerang fish act?” he asked wildly.

“Not quite,” Johnny said. “Big meeting—something about sesame seed buns.”

Sam made a disgusted face. “Uch, it must be another act of that weirdo’s…”

“Whatever the case, we gotta get there,” Johnny said.

“How?” Clyde asked. “The bus is at the theater.”

“We could take Johnny Fiama’s car!” Sal suggested.

“Nah-nah-no!” Johnny said nervously. “Remember what happens every time I take the car out around these guys, eh?” he muttered to Sal.

“Oh, right,” Sal said.

“Well… then where are we gonna find a ride?” Butch asked.

“OOH!” shouted a deep, gravelly voice from the kitchen. Bobo the Bear came bustling out carrying a sandwich in his hand. “We can take my company car!” he said.

“How do you have a company car?” Sam asked.

“I got to keep it after C.O.V.N.E.T. fell out,” Bobo said. “At least… I think I did. No one told me I couldn’t anyway.”

“Sounds like our only choice,” Clyde said.

“Just a second here,” Butch said to Bobo. “Isn’t your car the cement truck in the garage?”

“Yup,” Bobo said proudly. “She’s a classic.”

Sam rubbed his eyes in angst. “Why do I live here?” he asked himself.

“Shotgun!” Lew shouted, running out the front door.

 

[The Count]

Hey... Gotta show the full cast da loves. Will come back to read tomorrow. Okay, little later today. *Leaves bookmark in thread, though I know Toga will be the first to rave.

 

[The Count]

*Locks death stare on Prawn... Kudos to thee.

1 Kermit's green car, still missing the rear hatch door?

2 Missed calls.

3 Conversations with the frog and the bear.

4 Fozzie having to take the phone in the bathroom.

5 Movie script as wedding present.

6 The news!

7 Imagining ears wiggling and smile on froggy's face.

8 Have to have Friday with Fozzie.

9 Gonna be a long four months.

10 MBH! Yeay!

11 Telephone! *Rushes to get it.

12 Lew with his act.

13 Why does anybody live there.

Now c'mon, we got a meeting at the theater to get to. Oh yeah, I'd rather call Bo and ride in his taxi. No offense to Bobo's cement truck.
*Arrives at the Benny Vanderghast Memorial Theater for the meeting. Weeeee, post new chapter!