Chapter 15
The onstage presence of Gonzo the Great was usually one of raucous ruckus stunts and acts of lunatic daring. Tonight, however, Gonzo stood perfectly still in the middle of the stage, striking a striking pose—balanced on one leg, while the other was placed firmly in his mouth. Gonzo called it his “shoe-tongue” trick.
Currently, the daredevil and performance artiste was attempting to break the world record for standing on one’s one foot with one’s other foot in one’s mouth, while periodically shouting “chopsticks” from his muffled throat. (Not the piano tune “Chopsticks,” that would be too predictable—Gonzo the Great was actually shouting the word “chopsticks.”)
Unfortunately for Gonzo, the world record for this trick was just under an hour (52 minutes, 48 seconds, to be precise), and, as they say in show business (and numerous other unprofitable businesses for reasons that make no sense whatsoever), the show must go on!
And since the show must go on, The Great Gonzo must come off.
A huge cane whipped its way out of stage left. Gonzo’s eyelids pulled back and his expressions seemed to read—and his muffled voice seemed to say, “What are you doing?” in a wild overtone.The loop of the cane grabbed Gonzo around his neck and the weirdo was pulled off stage mid-chopstick.
The curtains closed behind Gonzo as he was rushed off stage. Statler shook his head solemnly. “Pity,” he said with a sigh.
“You mean that Gonzo didn’t get to finish his act?” Waldorf asked.
“No, no,” Statler said with a shake of his head. “It’s a pity because he probably enjoyed the pain of being yanked off stage more than he would’ve enjoyed actually staying onstage!”
“True,” Waldorf said with a chuckle, “his onstage performance was more painful for us!”
~-~-~-~-~
Gonzo spat his shoe out of his mouth with an annoyed taste coming from it. He groaned with distaste in Kermit’s direction. “Kermit!” he shouted at the frog. “You cut my act—” he glanced at a nearby clock. “—51 minutes, 37 seconds short!”
Kermit shook his head. “I am sorry Gonzo,” he said, “but we had to leave time in the show for Miss Piggy’s number with Big Bird.”
“Hmph!” Gonzo said, folding his arms angrily. “Sure, you’ll give your fiancé and your preschool character pal ample stage time, but when it comes to good ol’ Gonzo—your old friend Gonzo—Gonzo, the daredevil and performance artiste—no time at all!”
“Gonzo that is ludicrous and untrue!” Kermit said, appalled by the blue thing’s statement. “We gave you a minute and eleven seconds—that’s three ones!”
Gonzo’s eyes grew wide with excitement. “Do you think that qualifies for a world record?” he asked.
Kermit shrugged. “It couldn’t hurt to ask.”
“Good point!” Gonzo shouted. The weirdo set his feet to run off to the nearest pay phone and call Mr. Guinness (not Alec) himself—however he ran right smack into the orange legs with pink rings of Big Bird.
“Oh, pardon me sir!” Big Bird said apologetically, reaching down to pull Gonzo to his feet. In doing so, the wearer of much golden plumage realized who he was pulling. He gasped happily. “Gonzo, hi there! It’s been so long!”
Gonzo laughed nervously as Big Bird dusted off the weirdo. “Big Bird, it’s, uh, yeah, so long!” Gonzo cleared his throat and straightened his bow-tie uneasily.
“How have you been?” Big Bird asked curiously. “How’s your chicken friend?”
“What chicken friend?” Gonzo asked dumbly. “Oh—Camilla!”
Big Bird nodded happily. “Yes, how is she?”
“I’m… I don’t remember,” Gonzo stuttered.
“Oh,” Big Bird said sadly. “Is she on vacation?”
“Not exactly,” Gonzo said shakily.
“Well, I was just wondering,” Big Bird said with a chipper grin. “I guess you two aren’t still in love—she sure is cute, ya know! Would you mind if…”
Gonzo gasped loudly. “You? With my chickie-poo? I think not sir!” he shouted. “Besides, you’re not her type! She prefers short, blue, and devilishly handsome beyond all rational belief!”
Kermit shook his head, “Beyond all rational belief is certainly true…”
“Oh, then you do still love her?” Big Bird asked, surprisingly unscathed by Gonzo’s reaction.
“Yes!” Gonzo declared. “More than spinach, more than tapioca pudding, more than pain!”
“Oh good,” Big Bird said. “That’s just what she wanted to hear.”
Gonzo stopped raving and stared up at Big Bird. “What?”
Big Bird nodded. “Yup, she asked me to test your feelings,” he said. “I didn’t even need a number two pencil, either!” Big Bird laughed cheerfully and patted Gonzo on the back. “Well I’ve got to get onstage, I have a big number with Miss Piggy, you know.”
As Big Bird walked off lankily, Gonzo turned and ran back up to Kermit. “Kermit!” the weirdo shouted. “I’ve been had—by a preschool character!” Gonzo screamed continuously as he scampered off from Kermit’s desk.
“I don’t believe that,” Kermit said. “I think the bird just flipped Gonzo.”
~-~-~-~-~
Miss Piggy sat on a prop park bench with a brown sack in her hand. She was adorned with dark gray trench coat and hat set, her hair pulled up under the hat. She reached into her bag with her lovely satin gloves and pulled out some seed, tossing it on the stage in front of her.
She sniffed sadly and stared down at her tossing. “Eight foot two,” Piggy said sadly. “Eyes of blue…”
Miss Piggy jumped up off the bench and tossed the hat off, sending her golden hair falling down to her shoulders gracefully. The band below her started up a song. “But, oh, what those eight feet can do!” she sang gruffly.
“Has anybody seen my bird?”
“Tall and bright, what a sight!” she sang as she danced around the stage set.
“Feathered friend’s at such a height
Has anybody seen my bird!” Piggy sang desperately.
The audience cheered as Big Bird entered from stage right wearing a bow tie and a white collar along with cufflinks. He carried a bouquet of flowers with one hand, and with his other he made a “shh”ing motion to the audience. As Piggy danced around the stage, Big Bird ran behind a wooden tree (oxymoronic, no?) made for the scene and peeked out behind it.
Miss Piggy smirked out into the audience and shouted to the band, “Hit it!” as she ripped off her trench coat, flinging it off stage, revealing a scanty black sequin dress.
“Now if you run into an eight foot two
Feathered and fine
Lovely wings, all those things
Bet your life that bird is mine!”
“Coochy-coo, coochy-coo!” Big Bird called out, and immediately ducked back behind the tree.
“Coochy cock-a-doodle doo!” Piggy called, nearly begging, looking all around the stage.
“Has anybody seen my bird?”
“Now if you run into an eight foot two
Feathered and fine
Lovely wings, all those things
Bet your life that bird is mine!”
In between lines, Piggy would run to check behind every tree on stage—while Big Bird ran to hide behind every tree Miss Piggy wasn’t checking behind.
“Coochy-coo, coochy-coo,” Big Bird called out playfully. “Coochy cock-a-doodle doo!”
Piggy darted over to the tree the sound came from, and Big Bird ran out, and hid behind the central tree.
Miss Piggy groaned and stomped off back to her park bench. “Has anybody seen my—
Bet your life he’s been by—
Has anybody seen my—”
Big Bird jumped out from behind the tree, right into Piggy’s line of sight. “Bird?” he asked mischievously.
“Bird!” Miss Piggy declared happily.
The audience roared with applause again—louder than the other numbers.
“Miss Piggy, these are for you,” Big Bird said over the cheering, handing Piggy the bouquet.
Piggy blushed under the spotlight. “Oh, well thank you,” she said sheepishly, taking the flowers. “Vous did not have to do this for moi.”
“Oh, I know,” Big Bird said. “But I figured it was the only way I could get a hug from the famous Miss Piggy!”
The famous Miss Piggy smirked. “Keep laying the compliments on that thick and you can have all the hugs you want!” she said. Piggy reached forward with her gloved arms and wrapped them around Big Bird. Big Bird leaned down and did the same to Miss Piggy.
The audience cooed and continued to cheer wildly as Kermit ran onstage—the curtains remained open. “And with that surprising ending—we’ll see you all next time on The Muppet—”
“Not so fast, frog!” Piggy shouted as she and Big Bird ran up to him. “One more thing, Kermie dear.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kermit said. “Miss Piggy, you were very, very good.”
Piggy smirked. “Thanks,” she said, “but that’s not it.”
Miss Piggy and Big Bird got on other side of Kermit, and wrapped their arms around him. Kermit poked his head out of the mass of hair and feathers. He laughed happily and looked out into the audience. “We’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
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