Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[theprawncracker]

Hi guys! I don't know if this is publicly known, but my dear friend Leyla is celebrating her birthday today, May 18th, and I thought to myself, self, what better day to post your newest fan-fiction than today! Especially since the subtitle of this fan-fic is "Prawnie's Ushy-Gushy Fan-Fic". Anyway, this is the first in a three part trilogy (Most trilogies ARE three parts-unless you're talking to Lisa...). I really hope you enjoy it! So, here it is, "Men Are Pigs". Happy Birthday, Leyla!

<~><~><~><~><~>

Chapter 1

"Mm," Miss Piggy hummed lightly to herself. "Sometimes a girl just needs to take a day off to herself." Cucumber slices covered her eyes, and her hair was pulled back in a towel. The only article of clothing on her body were her two famous purple gloves.

A woman with large blonde hair; yes, large; was painting Miss Piggy’s toenails while smacking her gum loudly. "So, tell me, hon, what are you takin’ a break from?"

"Oh, moi’s show," Piggy said arrogantly. "My co- hmph, well you can hardly call them stars, but moi’s co-workers can hardly get along without moi, but, alas, they must."

The woman smacked her gum and dipped the toenail brush in the polish. "Which show is it?"

"Well, right now we’re debating for a new title, ‘The Miss Piggy Variety Hour’," Piggy said smugly from behind her cucumber slice eyes. "But as of now we are still the humble little Muppet Show."

"Oh, I love The Muppet Show," the woman said between gum smacks. "Who are you?"

Miss Piggy frowned and sat straight up, sending her cucumbers falling off her eyes. She shot a direct glare at the smacky woman. "Vous do not know who moi am?" She growled at her.

The woman rose her finely trimmed eyebrow at Miss Piggy. "No, should I?"

"Well, duh!" Piggy shouted. "Moi am Miss Piggy! The star of the show!"

"The star?" the woman asked. "I thought that cute lookin’ frog was the star."

"That cute looking frog is mine!" Piggy shouted.

"He doesn’t seem to think so," the woman said. "Latest gossip I heard, sweety, was that ‘your’ frog was out with a different girl every night!"

Piggy smirked. "No," she said. "That was moi with a different outfit every night."

"You keep telling yourself that, hun," the woman said.

"And you keep telling yourself that you should mind your own business!" Piggy shouted, stamping out of the chair into her high heels, and stomping out in her towels and gloves.

The woman pulled her gum out of her mouth and flicked it into a wastebasket. "Maybe I shoulda told her that her toenails weren’t dry."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Kermit the Frog shielded his eyes. Fozzie was covering his face with his hat. Sam Eagle was collapsed on the floor next to him. Scooter was frowning behind his clipboard. Rowlf was sitting prophetically, trying not to bust out laughing. Clifford had already burst out laughing.

Link Hogthrob, who stood on stage, shirtless, pushed his blonde hair back and rose his eyebrows in Kermit’s direction. "Well," he said. "What did you think?"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Somehow, I think that an-" he glanced at Scooter’s clipboard. "‘All-pig’ version of ‘I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt’ won’t... well, let’s just say Sam is warming the floor up for the rest of our guests if you do that number."

"Nice," Rowlf said.

Kermit shook his head. "Next! Please!" Kermit shouted. "And someone dress the pig!"

Beauregard stuck his head out from behind the stage curtain as Link strutted his stuff across the stage. "What do you want me to dress him in?" Beauregard asked. "I have a nice cinnamon glaze."

"Go wit’ da barbecue sauce," Rizzo the Rat said as he walked on stage wearing an earpiece.

Beauregard blinked. "Ri-ght."

Kermit shook his head again. "Please tell me we have something good on next," Kermit said to Scooter.

Scooter looked down at his clipboard. "Well, chief, it looks like we’ve got The Great Gonzo and his Cha-Cha Chickens singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’."

Kermit looked around him, at Rowlf, Scooter, and Clifford. "Can any of you blink?" he asked. They all shook their heads. Kermit sighed. "We need to keep someone who can handy at all times."

"I’ll pencil in auditions for blinkers next week," Scooter said.

"Good," Kermit said. "Alright, send in the chickens."

"Send in the chickens!" Scooter said to the mouthpiece on his head.

"Send in da chickens!" Rizzo shouted from backstage.

"Send in the chickens!" shouted a large, blue Muppet with purple hair and a large jaw who ran on stage. "Clyde! Where are the chickens?"

"They're still getting dressed, Butch!" squealed a smaller pink Muppet, running on stage behind the blue Muppet. "Boss Butch. Butch Boss?"

"Kermit's the boss now," Butch whispered.

"Oh, yeah," Clyde said.

Kermit frowned. "Are you two done?"

"Oh, yeah!" Butch shouted. "Sorry boss!"

"Yeah, sorry!" Clyde shouted as well.

"Will you cut that out?" Butch scolded.

"No, no," the Great Gonzo said as he walked onto the stage in a black jump suit, with chickens following behind him, each in a shining silver tutu. "I cut my spleen out on next weeks show."

Kermit shook his head. "Alright Gonzo, show us what you've got."

"I think he's got chickens," Fozzie said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Gonzo?"

"Yes?" Gonzo called back from the stage.

"Start your act!" Kermit shouted in utter annoyance.

Clifford laughed. "Easy, Kerm," Clifford said. "Remember your blood pressure."

Fozzie turned to Rowlf. "Can cold blooded animals have blood pressure?"

Rowlf pondered this, then looked at Kermit. "If they live with Piggy they can."

"Hit it!" Gonzo shouted.

In the band pit, the Electric Mayhem, led by Dr. Teeth, began to jam on their instruments. Gonzo began to dance, with the chickens following him as backup dancers.

"You can tell by the way I use my walk
I’m a chicken’s thing: no time to talk!" Gonzo sang, with the chickens clucking and strutting (literally) their stuff about the stage.

"Music loud, and chickens crispy,
I’ve been beat about since 1960-"

"Seventy-six," Scooter muttered.

"But it’s alright, it’s okay
And you may look the other way
We can try to understand
The New York Times’ effect on man!" Gonzo continued singing.

"Whether you’re a chicken
Or whether a’ticklin’
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Fell your bones breakin’ and your whole body shakin’
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!"

"Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk," the chickens clucked.

"Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!"

"Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk."

"Stayin’ alive!" Gonzo shouted, his eyelids pulled to the back of his head as he gleefully danced around the stage with his chickens.

"Well now, I get low, I get high
And if I can’t get either, I really try
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes
I’m a crazy man! And I just can’t lose!

"You know, it’s alright, it’s okay
I’ll live to see another day
We can try to understand
The New York Times’ effect on man!"

"Whether you’re a chicken
Or whether a’ticklin’
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive
Fell your bones breakin’ and your whole body shakin’
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive!" Gonzo sang, the chickens still joining behind him.

"Um, Kermit," Scooter whispered to the frog as Gonzo and the chickens continued dancing about the stage.

"Hm?" Kermit said, not breaking his vision of the stage.

"Is Miss Piggy in this number?" Scooter asked.

Kermit’s face twisted up. "No, Scooter, of course not," Kermit said. "Why?"

"Because she’s here."

Kermit’s view shot back up at the stage. "Uh oh." Kermit gulped.

"Brawk, bawk, brawk, bawk-"

"I’m stayin’ alive!"

"Not for long you’re not!" Miss Piggy shouted at the weirdo and the chickens.
The music stopped abruptly. "Uh oh," Floyd Pepper said. "Looks like Piggy’s about to put Gonzo on one of those crash diets!" Floyd laughed.

"Rully," Janice said. "But he’d, like, probably enjoy it."

"Piggy, what are you doing?" Kermit asked, walking towards the stage.

Piggy turned to Kermit, and growled. "Kermie, why is there a weirdo taking my act?"

"Your act?" Kermit asked. "Since when was it your act?"

"Since I was so graciously asked to perform it on ‘American Idol’," Piggy said, pushing her hair back pompously.

Kermit frowned. "Piggy, you didn’t even sing, you just made a small appearance!"

"Don’t talk details with me, frog!" Piggy said. "I know what I did- and at least I was there."

Kermit shook his head. "It doesn’t matter Piggy," he said. "What matters is, this is not your number!"

"Yes it is!" Piggy countered, not as brilliantly as she had hoped.

"No, it is not!" Kermit fought right back.

"What are you saying?" Piggy glared down at the frog.

"I’m saying that you, Miss Piggy, are wrong!" Kermit shouted. "You’re always wrong!"

The Muppet Theater grew deathly silent. Everyone looked at each other. Piggy stood, staring, mouth agape at Kermit.

"How... how could you?" she asked quietly. Kermit looked down at his flippers.
Fozzie looked at Rowlf sadly. Gonzo looked at Camilla. Clifford looked at Scooter.

Sam Eagle sat up from the floor, rubbing his head. "Mm, what did I miss? Dare I even ask such a thing."

Piggy bit her bottom lip. "Well Kermit the Frog! Let moi tell vous something!" she shouted. "We are over!" she screamed. She moaned once and ran off to her dressing room, slamming the door behind her.

Kermit turned around and looked at everyone. He gulped loudly. "We’re- we’re not over," he said. "We- we can’t be over, if we were never together."

Gonzo looked down at Kermit. "Kermit, are you alright?" he asked calmly.

Kermit nodded swiftly. "I’m fine. Great act, Gonzo, you’re in the show." Kermit stormed back to his seat and sat down.

Rowlf, Scooter, Clifford, and Fozzie exchanged glances. "Kermit," Fozzie said. "Are you sure you’re okay?" he asked, putting his hand on his best friend’s shoulder.

"I’m fine, Fozzie," Kermit said. "Scooter what’s our next act?"

Scooter looked down at his clipboard. "The Swedish Chef," he said.

Kermit nodded. "Put him on."

"Put him on, Rizzo," Scooter said into his mouthpiece.

"Put ‘im on what?" Rizzo asked from backstage. "If I put ‘im on anyt’ing, he’s gonna put me in a souffle."

"Just start the sketch!" Kermit shouted.

Sam looked around the theater. "Are you sure I did not miss anything?" he asked Rowlf.

Rowlf shook his head. "Nothing, Sam, just the big scene that outlines the entire plot."

"Oh," Sam said blankly. "Very well then."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Piggy slammed herself down into her chair at her vanity. She looked at a framed picture of Kermit on the vanity and knocked it onto the floor. "Ugh!" she groaned. "Men are pigs!"

"You’re telling me," Link Hogthrob said from the couch behind Piggy.

Piggy shot around. "What are you doing here, air head?"

"Relaxing after such an exhausting number," Link said. "I just hope I didn’t make the other performers too-" he pushed his hair back on his head. "Jealous of me."

Piggy rolled her eyes. "I don’t think you have too much to worry about. No one could be jealous of-" Piggy stopped herself. Her mouth slowly opened back up. "That’s it!"

"Huh?" Link asked.

Piggy grabbed Link by his wrist, and pulled him out of the dressing room. "Come on, dumb, pompous, and gullible," she said. "We’ve got a jealous frog to make!"

"But I didn’t get to moose my hair!" Link shouted.

"There’s a moose at the boarding house," Piggy said. "Just come on!"

"Where are we going again?" Link asked.

Piggy groaned. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."

 

[The Count]

Heh... It's a nice start and I'm sure others will rave and review... But there's something I'm not sure about. If you wanted to go for the UG angle, seems to me that Piggy grabbing Link to go make Kermit jealous wouldn't be the smart first plan. After all, how do you plan to make him green with envy? He's already green. And it suits him well, it's what he wants to be.

Seems to me that maybe it would be more poinient to have Piggy realize why Kermit blew up at her, have a bit of introspective soul searching, have Kermit realize his blowing up at her was wrong and attempt to patch things up.
Like I said, it's a good start. Just unsure of the angle for the direction it'll take.

But I'll also say this... More please!

 

[Leyla]

Ohhhhh, Prawnie, thank you honey, you're such a sweetie!

And I presume PIggy was wearing a robe along with those lovely gloves of hers in the opening scene.

I'm more than a little amused that you post this as a birthday gift (Thank you, thank you) and it features such a catastrophic fight between my favouritist couple, but since I DO have a fairly good idea of where this is going, I hang on to my faith in you.

Loved the Stayin' Alive chicken version. This is definately a song that suits Gonzo... don't ask me why I think that, I just do. There's some really fun lines in here. You've definately got a knack for making me laugh!

I can't really blame Piggy for being so upset. Imagine the nerve of that salon girl insulting her like that! That would make anyone defensive, and it's plain as day PIggy holds that the best defense is a good offense...along with a solid right hook.

<shakes head> Piggy was acting outrageously, it's true, but Kermit's not getting the award for gentlemanly behaviour after saying things like:

"I’m saying that you, Miss Piggy, are wrong!" Kermit shouted. "You’re always wrong!"

and

Kermit turned around and looked at everyone. He gulped loudly. "We’re- we’re not over," he said. "We- we can’t be over, if we were never together."

<shakes head> Deniiiiiiiiaaaal. Lousy loveable frog.

<hugs!> Once again, thanks EVER so much PRawnie! Oh heck, I can't leave it like that.

<GLOMP!>

There we go. That's more like it.

Mwa! Kissy kissy!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Very nice! Chock full of humor. Love the tie in to Miss Piggy's appearance on American Idol. Looking forward to seeing how she'll make Kermit jealous with Link. This is fun, bring us more!

 

[TogetherAgain]

<Snuggles Prawnie>

I have a feeling that my brand new Kermit-and-Piggy pillow will be getting lots of use while I read this story...

GLORIOUS glorious start, my dear Prawn.

Among some of my favoritest lines...

Kermit looked around him, at Rowlf, Scooter, and Clifford. "Can any of you blink?" he asked. They all shook their heads. Kermit sighed. "We need to keep someone who can handy at all times."

This line made me laugh very very much. And then you went and followed it with-

"I’ll pencil in auditions for blinkers next week," Scooter said.

The combination of those two lines is quite simply fantasticabulous (TM). So yes, I laugh muchly. And hug muchly! See? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As for Kermit-Piggy drama... Yeah, like I said, the new pillow will be getting a lot of use. ...As a shield.

Oh, and also- love the wall-breaking, as usual!

<ahem> MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

My only complaint with that post? Why can't you post story muchly too Lisa? We miss your marvytrilliscent fanfics, shame none of them's getting the love and updates and closure they deserve.

So Prawn... Now that the elections are over... Can we expect more to get posted soon? Please? After all, we need more fanfic!

 

[Beauregard]

As I said yesterday, I read the first chapter and loved it.

As you know, being me, I'll probably forget to read updates and I'll have to read the whole thing over again in word-format when you're done with it, but, at least I started!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 2

Rehearsal ended, and most of the Muppets began to make their way back to the Boarding House, while Kermit, Scooter, and Fozzie made their way backstage.

"Kermit," Fozzie finally said, he had been deathly quiet since Kermit and Piggy’s big blow-up. "What are you going to do about Miss Piggy?"

Kermit straightened some papers on his desk backstage. "Nothing," he said. "I’m sure she’s already forgotten about it, and if I just pretend like it never happened, I’ll have nothing to worry about."

"I think you’re forgetting something, boss," Scooter said.

Kermit looked at the go-fer. "What’s that?"

"You forgot who’s coming home with Robin from the swamp," Scooter said.

Kermit frowned. "Aunt Marge. Sheesh, you’re right, Scooter, I did forget."

"Aunt Marge?" Fozzie asked.

"I told you, Fozzie," Kermit said. "My Aunt Marge is coming for a visit."

Fozzie began to fiddle with his tie nervously. "For- for how long?" he stuttered.

"An undetermined amount of time." Kermit sighed. "Against my will."

"Who’s Will?" Fozzie asked.

"My will, Fozzie!" Kermit said.

Fozzie gasped. "Kermit, you’re dying?"

Kermit smacked his lack-of-forehead. "No, Fozzie."

"Oh, good," Fozzie said. "Because I don’t think I could deal with Aunt Marge without you."

"That reminds me, boss," Scooter interjected. "Robin’s train gets into the station in a half-hour."

Kermit nodded. "Okay," he said. "I think I’ll ask Piggy to go. Did either of you see her go back to the Boarding House?"

Scooter shook his head. "She’s still in her dressing room."

"Oh, good." Kermit smiled. "Piggy, honey!" he called.

Miss Piggy came out of her dressing room almost instantly. "Yes, Kermit?" she said, emphasizing his full name, rather than "Kermie".

If Kermit had an eyebrow, he would’ve raised it. "Uh, would you like to come with me to meet Robin and Aunt Marge at the train station?" he asked.

"Oh, Kermit," Piggy said. "Sorry, but I have a date."

Kermit frowned. "I don’t think we made plans for tonight... and besides, you know how Aunt Marge feels about interspecies dating," he said. "Do you think you can hold off for just a-"

"Oh, Kermit, silly goose," Piggy said smugly. "Moi am not going out with a different species!"

Kermit stared at her, as did Scooter and Fozzie. "Beg pardon?"

Score! Piggy thought to herself. "Oh, Link, we’re going to be late!"

"Coming!" Link called, joining Piggy outside her dressing room.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Your date is with... Link?"

"Do vous know any other-" she gulped. "Handsome pigs?" Her face twisted up as she asked the question.

"Well I-"

"Moi didn’t think so," Piggy said, grasping Link’s wrist and pulling him down the stairs. "Now come on, let’s go!"

"Evening!" Link called as he was pulled out the door.

Kermit’s eyes were glued to the door Piggy and Link so eloquently slipped out of.

"Uh, Kermit?" Fozzie tapped him on the shoulder.

Kermit gulped. "Y-yes, Fozzie?"

"I don’t think she forgot," Fozzie said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "C’mon, you two, we’ve got a train station to get to."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Back at the Muppet Boarding House, the usual chaos reigned at the dinner table, as per usual.

Also as usual, the couples in the house sat next to each other, Gonzo and Camilla, Floyd and Janice, and Clifford and Scooter’s twin sister, Skeeter who was home from mountain climbing expedition in the Andes.

Forks and knives clanked on plates as everyone ate, and the couples began to gossip.

"So, ya’ll hear what happened ‘tween Kerm and the pig?" Clifford asked.

"Oh, rully," Janice said. "It’s like, so sad."

"Brawk bawk," Camilla agreed.

"Yeah." Floyd nodded. "But ya gotta admit, green stuff did have a point."

"How so?" Skeeter asked.

"He said Piggy was wrong- all the time," Floyd said.

"Yeah, who wouldn’t agree with that?" Gonzo asked.

"Brawk!" Camilla pecked him violently.

"Hey!" Gonzo shouted. "What was that for?"

"Like, she thinks Piggy isn’t wrong all the time," Janice said.

"Sure she is!" Clifford said.

"You don’t really believe that, do you?" Skeeter asked Clifford.

"Sure I do!" Clifford said. "In fact, I think most women are wrong, most of the time."

The clanking of forks and knives on plates at the dinner table halted.

"Yeah, I’ll drink to that," Floyd said.

"Ditto!" Gonzo agreed, downing his glass of water.

Skeeter pushed her plate out from in front of her and shot up out of your seat. "Care to run that by me again?" she asked angrily.

"I said that most women are wrong, most of the time!" Clifford reiterated.
"Yeah," Gonzo nodded.

Camilla glared at Gonzo, and threw her fork at him. She stormed away from the table, with Skeeter following.

The fork stuck in Gonzo’s nose. "Cool," he said.

Janice looked at Floyd. "Like, do you have those same, totally chauvinistic thoughts?"

"Nah, baby," Floyd said. "However, it’s not too often you get the right answer from a woman. I was just agreein’ with the guys."

Janice took a deep breath. "Like, I need some yoga, or wheat grass, or- like, excuse me." She took off behind Camilla and Skeeter.

The three suddenly-single men exchanged glances. "I think that went well, don’t you?" Gonzo asked.

"Man, no it did not!" Clifford shouted. "You got a fork in your nose-" he pulled the fork out of Gonzo’s nose and tossed it behind him. "And we all got dumped!"

Sam Eagle walked into the dining room. "Sorry I’m late," he said. "I was re-alphabetizing my-" he shifted his eyes, looking around the silent table. "Did I miss something?"

Everyone stared at Sam.

Rowlf shook his head. "Once again, Sam, you’ve missed-"

"Everyt’ing, hokay?" Pepe interrupted. "Jou really need to work on jour timing, bird brain."

"Yeah," Rizzo said. "And you," he pointed to Clifford, Floyd, and Gonzo. "Need to work on your people skills. Yeesh, how do you anger t’ree women, in one sittin’?"

"Si, dis is pretty unbelievable to me too, hokay?" Pepe said.

"Break-up! Break-up!" Animal chanted.

"You just wait," Clifford said. "They’ll all be crawlin’ back to us come dinner tomorrow."

"Wanna bet?" Sal Manilla asked.

"Heh, I’d take that bet any day," Clifford said. "Ten bucks says all three girls’ll be back by tomorrow."

"Deal!" Sal said, shaking Clifford’s hand from across the table.

"That’s a nice job, Sal," Johnny Fiama said.

"Thanks Johnny," Sal said.

"If you win, you can pay me back that ten bucks you owe me," Johnny said.

"Ten bucks? What ten bucks?" Sal asked.

"Just get it to me by Monday..." Johnny said.

"But- I-" Sal sighed. "Alright, Johnny..."

"I always knew a girl would come between the band," Dr. Teeth said to Zoot, who was asleep on his plate.

"Wha’?" Zoot uttered groggily.

Rowlf looked down at Kermit’s empty chair, then back to the arguing Muppets. "Wait'll Kermit hears this tale," Rowlf said.

"But Rowlf," Beauregard said. "You do not have a tail."

Rowlf sighed. "It's gonna be a long story."

 

[The Count]

Yeah... Especially since it's broken up into three parts...

So lemme introduce to you... Floyd Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!
Funny as all get out between Fozzie and Kermit backstage.
Aunt Marge? Aw, and here I thought that was code for Margaret instead.
Hey Clifford, you do know you just made a sucker's bet doncha?

Prawny please post more!

 

[TogetherAgain]

Okay, first of all, I am SO looking forward to meeting Aunt Marge! <bouncy bouncy bouncy> Love how worried Fozzie seems about it- and, to tell the truth, NOBODY seems to be looking forward to it! OOOOOOOOH, I love conflict!

Also. Please excuse me while I laugh hysterically at the three guys who just talked themselves straight out of dating life. <ahem>

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA <deep breath> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Serves you right, boys! <Laughs some more>

Why am I getting the feeling that the ladies, few though they be, of the Muppet Boarding House will be bonding quite a bit for the next... Ohhhhhh, until the guys get down on their knees, apologize, and bet the girls to forgive them?

<ahem>

MORE PLEASE!