Muppet Fan-Fic: Don't Trip the Driver

[theprawncracker]

Hey guys! In honor of moi's sixteenth birthday and in the spirit of Flippersteps, I have prepared a fan-fic of epic proportions for you all to enjoy! (But unlike Flippersteps it won't be a major alteration to the Muppet universe.) I think you'll all really enjoy it! So here it is, Don't Trip the Driver:

Chapter 1

"Thank you, thank you," Kermit the Frog addressed the audience at the Muppet Theater. "Now, as you all know today’s show is drawing to a close! So now, I present to you, the closing number, including, me!"

The frog darted off the stage as the crimson curtains followed. His nephew, Robin the Frog sat atop a ledge in the middle of the stage. "Oh, hi!" Robin smiled at the crowd. "Um, I’m supposed to sing a song here with my Uncle Kermit, but, well I lost my tap shoes!"

"Figures something would get lost on this show!" the elderly voice of Statler said from up in the balcony.

"More than tap shoes were lost Statler, my mind’s been lost for thirty years." Waldorf replied to his balcony-mate for life.

"Oh Robin, Robin!" Scooter called as he ran on stage next to the five year old, carrying a tiny pair of shoes. "Hey Robin, you left your tap shoes backstage!" the go-fer handed Robin the shoes.

"Oh, thanks Scooter," Robin said as he began to lace the shoes on his feet. "Hey, do you wanna be part of the number too?" Robin asked.

"Oh, well, it’s not on the schedule."

"Well let’s break the schedule!" Robin hopped off the wall and pulled Scooter towards the front of the stage by his hand. "Hit it!" shouted the sweet-voiced frog.

The band began to play their instruments as Robin began to tap dance. "Happy feet," Robin tapped.
"I’ve got those happy feet
Give them a low down beat
And they begin dancin’, c’mon Scooter, you know the words!"

Scooter smiled and began to tap himself. "I’ve got those,
Ten little tappin’ toes
And when they hear a tune
I can’t control
My dancin’ heels to save my soul," Scooter sang.

"Weary blues
Can’t get into our shoes
Because our shoes refuse
To ever grow weary

"We keep cheerful
On an earful
Of music sweet," the two of them harmonized.

"Cause we’ve got hap-hap-happy feet!"

The go-fer and the frog tapped out a tune, and in between each tap, a new Muppet would dance onto the stage. The Great Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Camilla the Chicken, Clifford, Beauregard, Rizzo the Rat, Pepe the King Prawn and of course, the entrancing Miss Piggy and the ever-green Kermit the Frog, all tapping their feet in rhythm.

"Weary blues
Can’t get into our shoes
Because our shoes refuse
To ever grow weary

"We keep cheerful
On an earful
Of music sweet
Cause we’ve got hap-hap happy," all of the Muppets on stage sang at once.

Kermit and Piggy moved towards the center of the stage on the outside of Scooter and Robin, followed by the other Muppets, all lining up for the finale.

"Cause we’ve got hap-hap happy feet!" they all clicked their heels, creating a series of taps.

"Feet!" Robin shouted the final note, ending the song. The trumpets finished the song with their shots of choral rhythm.


The audience cheered and applauded loudly. Kermit wrapped his arm around Robin’s shoulder. "Thank you all for joining us once again! And we’ll see you all next week on The Muppet Show! Yaaaaaaay!"

>X<X>X<

​

All of the Muppets were crowded on a row of tables pushed together inside a restaurant on the cool Thursday night. Kermit looked up and down the table at everyone eating, most of the food being fruits or vegetables (along with the occasional serving of Tofu), and that was just the talking food.

Kermit clinked his glass with his fork, trying to quiet down the his friends. "Hey everybody?" he asked over (although it seemed like under) the chatter of the Muppet troupe. "Guys?" he tried again. "Hey! QUIET!!" the frog screamed.

"And I told him, ‘I don’t care that the ancient Greeks didn’t wear anything, I’m not like-"

"Janice please, people are trying to eat," Kermit told the valley girl. "Anyway everybody, I just wanted to lift my glass to you all on another season well done!" Kermit lifted his glass to the others.

Miss Piggy shot up out of her seat next to the frog. "Yes! And moi would just like to thank all of vous for making moi look so good by all of vous looking so terribly bad."

"Why thank you Miss Piggy," a small pink Muppet with a long pink nose told the diva. "I think you look bad too!"

Piggy’s face fumed. "Watch it Clyde! Or I’ll knock you back into space!"

"Yes Miss Piggy," Clyde said as he sunk back into the seat.

"Hey," a large blue Muppet nudged Clyde. "You can’t let her push you around like that Clyde!"

Clyde shrugged. "I know Butch, it’s just that-"

"It’s my job to push you around like that!" Butch told his assistant.

Kermit scrunched up his face, frowning at the show’s two newest cast members.

"Hey Kermit? Kermit?" Fozzie pulled at the frog’s spindly arm. He was sitting, quite literally, on the edge of his seat next to Kermit.

"What is it Fozzie? I’m trying to make a speech," Kermit told his best friend.

"Oh, I know!" Fozzie smiled. "I wanted to say something to the cast!"

Kermit smirked. "Oh, well, uh, okay. Just make it fast okay Foz-"

"Right!" Fozzie stood straight up. "Hiya hiya! Hey guys, do you know what time it is when an elephant sits on your watch?" Fozzie asked the crowd of Muppets, waiting for an answer.

"El-if-ino," Pepe muttered.

"No! It’s time to get a new watch!" Fozzie punched them with a line. "Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"

"I think it’s time to give the bear a new job," Floyd Pepper whispered to Clifford.

Clifford laughed. "Man, if I was still host, he’d be the first to go!"

"Mmm," Floyd nodded. "Now that I know that, I may bring it up at the next meeting!"

After no one laughed at Fozzie’s joke he grasped his pink polka dotted tie and began to wring around in his hand. "Hey, I’m trying." He sat back down in his seat.

Rowlf put his paw on Fozzie’s shoulder. "Don’t try too hard Fozzie, you may end up cracking."

"Ah! Then that would make me Humpty Dumpty! Wocka! Wocka!" Fozzie attempted another joke.

"Like, Dr. Bob, we may have to operate," Janice said to Rowlf.

"What’s the diagnosis Nurse Janice?" Rowlf asked.

"H.B.S. Dr. Bob."

"H.B.S.? What’s H.B.S.?"

"Like, ‘Half-a Brain Syndrome!’ Fer sure!"

Kermit smirked towards the dog and the hippy girl. "Save it for next season guys." The frog took a fork to his salad that sat in front of him. "Let’s just concentrate on dinner now. These are some of the sacred moments," he smiled at all of the Muppets sprawled out across the table. From Animal to Zippity Zap, they were all there. "These sacred moments can only happen now, before we’re bombarded with more work on the show."

Kermit returned to his salad as Crazy Harry jolted up behind his chair. "Did somebody say bomb?!"

"No Harry, I said bombarded," Kermit said without looking at the dynamite plunger-happy lunatic.

"Oh," Harry thought for a moment. "Close enough!!" he shouted, blowing up half the table.

Kermit sighed. "I need a vacation..." he muttered.

<X>X<X>

​

"You need a vacation!"

"But how will we pay? We still owe the bank three months back payment."
"So? Splurge! You deserve it Kermit! ...That and we need the money."

Butch kicked Clyde under the table. "Don’t pay any attention to him Kermit-"

"Yeah! You pay Butch, not me," Clyde rubbed his shin.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well guys, I’d really like to help out the ‘Butch and Clyde Travel Agency’ but we really are short on money right now."

"Well that’s never stopped us!" Butch argued.

Kermit smirked. "Don’t you think I know that? I pay for everything."

"Oh come on Kermit, don’t you think you need a little break?" Clyde asked. "You’re always so busy, and you never get a reprieve."

"Ooh, nice Clyde," Butch whispered.

Clyde shrugged. "I try."

Kermit frowned. "I tell ya what guys, I’ll talk to Fozzie about it tonight. Then I’ll make my decision."

"That’s good enough for us!" Butch shouted. "Now will that be cash or charge?"

"We also take change, personal checks, traveler’s checks, and any other form of currency," Clyde smiled.

"Good grief..." Kermit sighed.

 

[TogetherAgain]

EEEEEEE!

I'll say more when I'm NOT trying to catch the bus but this is FANTASTICABULOUS and you know it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OTHER HALF!

 

[The Count]

Yeah... Great stuff as always Ryno... Just makes me sigh a little at the indecision running around in my head. Hey, no running in the halls!
*Sprays indecision with bear mace.

Happy birthday... And more please!
44 fun-filled stories here on the forum!

 

[redBoobergurl]

YEAAAA!!!! I love it already! And, because it's your birthday, you get a detailed review of this fabulous opening chapter!

Originally posted by Birthday Boy
"Figures something would get lost on this show!" the elderly voice of Statler said from up in the balcony.

"More than tap shoes were lost Statler, my mind’s been lost for thirty years." Waldorf replied to his balcony-mate for life.

This was great Statler and Waldorf stuff! I never can come up with little quips for them myself so they are always noticiably absent from my stories. You however have them down to a tee!

Originally posted by Prawnie
"Feet!" Robin shouted the final note, ending the song. The trumpets finished the song with their shots of choral rhythm.

How cute! I could see the camera zooming in on just Robin at this point. I don't know why, I just love the way this scene played out and I just think it's darling that it featured Robin.

Originally posted by King Prawn
Kermit looked up and down the table at everyone eating, most of the food being fruits or vegetables (along with the occasional serving of Tofu), and that was just the talking food.

So much humor in this line! I laughed so hard at the "talking food!" Great stuff!

Originally posted by the Only One who can live with a weirdo
And I told him, ‘I don’t care that the ancient Greeks didn’t wear anything, I’m not like-"

"Janice please, people are trying to eat," Kermit told the valley girl

It just never ceases to amaze me that everyone is still able to come up with wonderful, classic Janice lines. This is one of the better ones I've seen in awhile! And I love how Kermit tells her that people are trying to eat! So funny!!!

Originally posted by the Queen's Other Half
El-if-ino," Pepe muttered.

This is a reference to one of my favorite Muppets Tonight routines! I'm not usually a fan of Pepe, but I love the act he does with Seymour and is like "what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino" Anyway, I read this and I was like "I love that line!"

Originally posted by He Who is the Prawn
Kermit sighed. "I need a vacation..." he muttered.

Understatement of the year!!!!! Of course he needs a vacation! He's been chasing his nephew and going to space to rescue whatevers and dealing with family things and putting tons of new people in his shows this year! Between all of the writers here we've kept poor Kermit busy in our fan fics! So yeah, he needs a vacation!

GREAT START!!! I cannot wait to read more and see where this goes! Happy birthday Ryan!!!!!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Oh wow, you were very ambitious for before school on a Monday morning! Great start, and I can't wait to see where it goes from here! I loved the classic "Elifino," and seeing Butch and Clide!
You know, it occured to me that maybe just Kermit, Clide, and Sal Manila should take a nice vacation, and leave Piggy, Johnny, and Butch alone in the middle of all the regular muppet caos!
Oh, and I loved Harry's briefest of considerations before taking the plunge!

 

[TogetherAgain]

Okay, so as promised, a little more squealy detail!

First of all, ROBIN! ROBIN ROBIN ROBIN! OHHHHHHHHHH he's so CUUUUUUUUUUTE! That TOTALLY made my morning! ROBIN doing Happy Feet! Oh I squeeful! Oh I squeeful!

And I loooooove this:

Kermit and Piggy moved towards the center of the stage on the outside of Scooter and Robin, followed by the other Muppets, all lining up for the finale.

And I LOOOOOOOVE this:

Kermit wrapped his arm around Robin’s shoulder.

...What, like you didn't know I was a Robin fan?...

And I LOVE the food part, and Janice's line, and Piggy's line, and the Piggy-Clyde interaction, and just- EEEEEEE!

OH I am SO excited for this STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MORE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm sorry but 16th birhday isn't quite enough to exempt you from nagging )

 

[The Count]

Hey Prawny... Know it's your B-Day... But could we please get some more story?

 

[Leyla]

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASURE OVERLOAD! PLEASURE OVERLOAD!

OH!!! Prawnie! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! YOU'RE AWESOME!

And, you didn't get eaten by zombies, which is also gladsome. I'm a little giddy and wound right now, so let me just say HOOOORAHHH!!! for Robin! And HAPPY FEET! and the upcoming chapter and just all the fun of a new story from you!

I'm SO EXCITED!!!!
Leyla

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 2

Beauregard may have been one of the most simple Muppets in the group, but he was also one of the most hard working. He’d sweep and mop, mop and sweep right until his job was done and not a moment before (Sometimes it was after his job was done when he finally remembered where he left his key to the broom closet).

But today, Kermit didn’t care how good Beau’s job was done, he just wanted it done. "Beau, for the last time, everything looks fine, just go home, okay?"

"Oh, but Kermit! I haven’t even re-knitted the curtain rope or polished the floor yet!" the janitor said, without stopping the endless sweeping of his broom.

"That’s alright Beau, we wouldn’t want everyone slipping on the floor again...My check book was never the same after those hospital bills."

"But you could say that was when you first fell for Miss Piggy!" Beau
remarked without skipping a beat, or a sweep.

Kermit frowned. "Just go home Beau."

"But what do I do with my broom?" Beau asked, caressing his faithful tool.

"Just leave it in the aisle," Kermit said, growing impatient.

"But what if one of the monsters steps on it?"

"I’m sure we can afford a new broom for you."

"But Kermit, what about the hospital bills you mentioned?"

Kermit looked towards a clock, Fozzie was due back soon, and Beau was cutting into the annual meeting of the meaning of life decipherers, aka Fridays With Fozzie. "Listen Beau, just bring your broom up here, I’ll take it to the broom closet, okay?"

Beauregard stepped forward with his furry bare feet (if Fozzie was there he would’ve made a joke about that). He handed his wooden scepter to the frog. "Alright, just make sure the head is laying on the pillow and you cover her up with the quilt."

Kermit scrunched up his face. "How else do you put a broom to sleep?" he asked sarcastically.

"Well, she’s outgrown lullabies Kermit."

Kermit sighed. "Of course Beau, have a safe trip back to the boarding house," Kermit finally dismissed the janitor.

"Wouldn’t it hurt if I tripped?" Beau asked, with no sarcasm in his voice.
"Will you get out of here?!" Kermit snapped.

Beauregard nodded and walked out of the theater with a bounce in his step, just as Fozzie was bouncing in. "Hi Beau! Oh, bye Beau!" Fozzie waved to the janitor as he walked in with a few bags in his hand.

"Nice timing Fozzie," Kermit told his best friend. The frog hopped off the stage, leaving the broom where it lay. He moved over to the front row and took his usual seat. Fozzie did the same.

"Well you know Kermit, being the worlds greatest comedian requires having perfect timing." Fozzie reached into the brown paper bag sack and pulled out a bag of pretzels and two sodas, handing a bottle to Kermit. "It’s root beer, your favorite."

"Thanks Fozzie," Kermit said as he unscrewed the lid. "Sorry we couldn’t do this last night, but you know I promised the cast I’d be at dinner with them."
"Oh, that’s fine Kermit," Fozzie took the cap off his own soda.

Kermit smiled. "I didn’t think you’d mind Fozzie."

"So, what’s on our minds today?" Fozzie ate a pretzel in between word exchanges.

"Well actually Fozzie, I need some advice." Kermit grabbed a pretzel from the bag Fozzie offered towards him.

"Advice?" Fozzie sipped his soda. "From me?"

Kermit took a drink of his root beer. "Well do you see anyone else here?"

"Well I don’t see Uncle Deadly but I’m sure he’s here. He can’t leave after all." The bear reminded his best friend as another two pretzels found their way into his mouth.

Kermit nodded with his hand grabbing more pretzels. "Well don’t worry Fozzie, Uncle Deadly’s on the roof tonight like he is every Friday when we have our time together."

Fozzie took a deep breath after another drink of soda. "So you really want my advice?"

"Mm-hm," Kermit said with a mouth full of pretzels.

"Okay, my advice to you, frog of my heart, is, duck." Fozzie said blankly between the crunching of pretzels.

"Duck?" Kermit asked almost laughing root beer through his pseudo nose.
Fozzie shrugged. "It’s advice that’s never failed me before, especially on free Muppet brick night," the bear silently wished the Muppets had cup holders on their seats so he could grab a pretzel without dropping his soda.

"Are you planning a food juggling act for next season Fozzie?" Kermit asked taking the soda from Fozzie so he could grab a pretzel or two.

"Do you want me to Kermit? If you do I will, I’m very versatile you know." Fozzie took back his soda and pushed the pretzel bag towards Kermit, who took it from Fozzie’s paw.

Kermit smiled at his friend. "Actually Fozzie, I wanted to know what you thought about all of us taking a vacation." Kermit asked as he tried to reach for a pretzel but realized his flippers were now suddenly full.

Fozzie grabbed Kermit’s root beer as the frog reached for a pretzel. "I think a vacation would be a great idea Kermit. We could always use a little break from everyday life. Well, not life, just everyday life. Because I love living, although I’ve never actually stayed alive on stage."

Kermit let himself laugh at the joke. "That was good Fozzie," he smiled, grabbing back his root beer, attempting to unscrew the lid with a pretzel bag in his other hand. "So you like the idea of a vacation, huh? Well Butch and Clyde are starting up this travel agency or something, and they asked if I’d be their first customer."

"Butch and Clyde? They’re planning this vacation?" Fozzie took the pretzel bag back. "Wow, those two make such a good team, I’m excited to see how this turns out."

Kermit smirked. "Me too Fozzie," he took a drink from the root beer bottle.
Just at that moment the doors in the back of the theater threw themselves open. Fozzie’s grip on the pretzel bag slipped right through his fingers as the bag let its contents spill all over the theater floor, along with Kermit’s root beer bottle.

A shadow of a man emerged in between the doors and stared down at the frog and the bear. Fozzie, meanwhile, had jumped from his seat and cowered with his hat at his chest behind Kermit.

Kermit squinted towards the figure as his mouth fell open. "No...It’s not possible...It’s...It’s J.P. Grosse..."

J.P. Grosse's very singular body slowly motioned itself into the empty theater. The figure made its way to the front of the theater, stopping where Kermit and Fozzie sat.

Kermit and Fozzie were taken back. Fozzie wrung his neck-tie in his hands while he cowered behind his best friend the frog. The frog stuttered with his words. "What's the matter frog?" J.P. asked blankly. "Got a frog in your throat?"

"J-J.P., you...We thought you were...You were dead!" Kermit spat the words out.

J.P. pulled his cigar out of his mouth and tapped a bit of ash onto the theater floor. "Dead? Don't you Muppets pay attention? I left you a note right there on your front door!"


Fozzie raised his hand, trying to get J.P.'s prestigious attention. "Um, we didn't have a door at all in 2002. Bunsen released his radioactive nuclear elements you see, and uh, well none of us could touch it. We'd end up looking stranger than we already do."

J.P. muttered something under his breath. "Well if you had read the note, you'd know that I took the advice of Fozzie here and spent the past three years hibernating."

"Hibernating? For three years?" Kermit sputtered. "Where could you possibly hibernate for three years?"

"On the beaches of Florida my dear frog," J.P. said blankly.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well, J.P. it's good to see you here...And alive. But, uh, we sorta thought we owned the theater now."

"Ha!" J.P. scoffed. "Of all people, why would I leave Benny's theater to you?"

"Because we have such great health insurance premiums?" Fozzie asked.

J.P. took the seat next to Kermit in the red chair. "Listen frog, this theater's mine. So, you still answer to my beck and call."

"Better his than Scooters," Kermit thought.

Fozzie took off his hat and stood in front of the theater's owner. "Um, Mr. Grosse sir. We really respect the fact that you own the theater and so basically you own us. But, um, do you think maybe we could take a little vacation? I think we all need one."

J.P. tossed his cigar on the ground, crushing it with the sole of his shoe. "Well mister bear, I seem to recall the last time I took your advice."

Kermit frowned and Fozzie returned to his fetal position behind Kermit. "Well you see...It was a joke Mr. Grosse, sir."

Kermit nodded. "Everything with Fozzie is a joke J.P."

J.P. cleared his throat to regain control over the conversation. "Which is why I remember the best four years of my life, and this great, most likely permanent, business suit tan."

Kermit and Fozzie perked up. "So we can have some money to go on a vacation?" Fozzie asked eagerly.

"No." J.P. said swiftly. "You can use the your own money to go on a vacation. As long as you don't leave the country, or hold me responsible for anything or anyone broken, dismantled or maimed in the process of your trip."

Kermit frowned. "Well there goes the funds I made with my book..."

"Oh?" Fozzie asked. "Are they coming on the road trip with us?

 

[TogetherAgain]

EEEEEEEEEEEE! Oh lovely!!!!!!!!!!! Prawnie, fantastic! MORE PLEASE! I love the whole thing with Beauregard and the broom... She's outgrown lullabies... I love it! Happy Birthday, Prawnie!