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Muppet College Dorms: The Next Semester

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Winslow Leach

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Tony is on his bed, reading. Newsie is frantically clacking away on a news story. Crazy Harry has a stick of dynamite in his mouth for some reason, but thankfully, it's not lit.

From out of nowhere, pop music springs up. Lefty begins dancing and swaying in time to the music, trying to get Tony's attention.

Lefty (sings)

Big goils don't cry!
Big goils don't cry!

Biiiiiiiiig goils....
Do-hon't cry-yi-yi!
Dey don't cry!

Biiiiiiig goils...
Dey don't cry!

(after a beat)

Tony: No.

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHH! I haven't finished!

Tony: For the last time, I'm not writing a musical!

Lefty: Riiiiiiiight! I getcha. But I figured ya script could use a little number here and dere.

Tony: Have you been reading my play?

Lefty: Naw, naw...well...I took a little peeksie...

Tony: Lefty! I didn't say you could read it!

Lefty: Ya didn't say I couldn't read it!

Newsman: Hey, can you two keep it down? I'm working on a story about something known as the Gingerbread Man Flu. It seems people who come down with the flu actually turn into gingerbread men! (does a double-take) What? I've been working all morning on this? (yanks paper out of typewriter, and crumples it up; he tosses the wad of paper, which hits Lefty) And to think...I could have been covering that story on the squirrel that bears a striking resemblance to Bozo the Clown...
 

BeakerSqueedom

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Bunsen:
Looks like everything's back to normal.
Isn't that a shame?
I wonder how it all happened so quickly.

Beaker:
Meep meee.

Bunsen:
Of course not.
That's impossible...
since when does that happen?
It is scientifically impossible to simply zap things into place.
Ah well, if I can build a time machine...
I suppose that could take place, too.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Have you seen Claudia?
I've been looking for her...
She said she'd play checkers with me.

Bunsen:
It's not like her to run from a game.
Ah well, she'll show up sooner or later...
Probably trying to blow off some steam.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Yup.

Bunsen:
Is Alex any better?
I hope the poor girl did not hurt herself.
I tried to make her drink the antidote.
Turns out Beaker and I were thrown out the window.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Is that why you guys smell like toast?

Beaker:
(Nods)
Meee.

Bunsen:
Yes.
We were electrocuted...
again.

and...

Again...

and...

Again....

(Puts on a scary face)

Dr. Van Neuter:
Um...OKKK!
How about them apples?
 

Winslow Leach

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A Whatever is innocently standing behind a wall.

Cue Lefty's theme music. Lefty enters, and looks right, then left. He slowly approaches the Whatever, whose name is...oh, let's say Moe.

Lefty: Hey...hey kid!

Moe (does frightened take) Who, me?

Lefty: Riiiiiiight. I got somethin' fer ya!

Moe: Wow, and it's not even my birthday!

Lefty: Riiiiiiight, riiiiiight!

Moe: What have you got?

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Moe (softer voice) What have you got?

Lefty: I have here, de most wonnderful, de most stupendous, de most magnificent, de most can't-live-witout device you've ever seen!

Lefty pulls what looks like a deflated balloon out of his coat pocket.

Lefty: Feast yer eyes on dis!

Moe: A balloon?

Lefty (does a take) A balloon? A balloon? Kid, kid...have you been livin' under a rock for da past...er...five minutes? Dis is not a balloon!

Moe: What is it?

Lefty: I'm glad ya asked! Dis here is a what-you-call inflatable birthday cake!


Moe: An inflatable birthday cake?

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Riiiiiiiiiight...riiiight!

Moe: I've never heard of an inflatable birthday cake before!

Lefty: Dat's because ya look like an ignoramus! I don't do business wit ignoramuses!

Lefty slowly puts the balloon back into his coat, and pretends to walk away...

Moe: Wait!

ZOOM!

Lefty is back.

Moe: Tell me more about your inflatable birthday cake.

Lefty: Well, here's what ya do...ya put yer lips here, as if you was blowin' a balloon...den, you simply blow it up as big as you want! It kin serve up ta 15 guests! Be da hit of yer next birthday party!

Moe: How much is this inflatable birthday cake?

Lefty: Normally dis handy-dandy ting would sell for an astronomical price! But I will give dis yummy inflatable birthday cake to ya fer a nickel!

Moe: A nickel ? !

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Moe (softer voice) A nickel?

Lefty: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

Moe (hands Lefty a nickel; Lefty hands Moe the balloon) Gee! An inflatable birthday cake!

Lefty (hurriedly begins to exit) Don't eat it all in one place!

Moe: Hey Mr. Salesman, wait, wait!

Lefty stops in his tracks, frozen.

Lefty: Sorry, kid...no refunds.

Moe: No. I was wondering...what flavor is it?

Lefty: Er...Tootsie-Frootsie!

Lefty runs off.

Moe: Awwww...I was hoping for banana cream!
 

Winslow Leach

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Tony enters the room. Newsie is watching the copy of "The Maltese Falcon" that Alex gave him.

Bogart (from TV) ...the stuff that dreams are made of!

End music swells. Newsie is bawling his eyes out.

Tony: Newsie...you okay?

Newsman (pulling himself together) Yeah...yeah. I was just watching "The Maltese Falcon." It's my favorite movie.

Tony: Were you crying?

Newsman: When?

Tony: Just now.

Newsman: No. No! I had something in my eye...

Tony: Oh...

Newsman: But it's such a good movie!

Newsie begins to bawl again. He walks over to Tony, and embraces him. Tony pats him on the back.

Tony: Um...there there...there there...

Newsman (sniffles) Where? Where?

Tony: Nevermind...
 

Beakerfan

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Sweetums: *sitting in his chair, holding out a needle and thread* How's this?

Alex: Make it a little longer. You don't wanna run out....

Bean: I found it! I found it! *runs in carrying a large pile of different scraps of cloth*

Alex: Oh good! Let me see......

Sweetums: So... how bout now? *holds up the needle and thread*

Alex: I think that's pretty good. Ok, Bean? Could you grab that pile of jeans over there?

Bean: *heaves the pile over to Alex*

Alex: Thank you. Now, we need to sort them. Ok... those ones put over there *points at a pair of torn jeans* Sweetums, you take this pair *hands him another pair of torn jeans* And I'll work on these ones *grabs a pair of non-ripped jeans* When we've finished with these we can start on the shirts. Man I've torn up a lot of my clothes! Being a werewolf may be fun, but it sure gives me a lot of work to do!

Sweetums: Wait a second.... your pair doesn't have any holes in it?

Alex: That's because I'm not patching these. I'm making them into bell-bottoms.

Bean: Oh! I've seen that before. I think.... but not in jeans.

Alex: Well, just wait and see. Ok, you guys ready to get started? First, pick a scrap from the pile Bean brought in. Make sure it's big enough to cover the hole, ok? Then pick a brightly colored thread. I can help you pick if you like....
 

The Count

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Hee... Know whatcha mean Alex. Doing a bit or repatching meself.
OK, gonna contact Maddie and Gererd, if they don't answer in a week's time then hexpect an announcement on Leap Year Day.
 

Beakerfan

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Ooh... exciting! Ok... I can be patient..... *begins frantically sewing*
 

BeakerSqueedom

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Claudia:
WOAH!
DANG! I AM STEAMING!
I AM BURNING!
(Blows furiously at the fire)

No! Bad Spa'am!
BAD!

Spa'am:
BOOM SHAKA-LAKA!

Claudia:
OOOHHH!
I'll show YOU BOOM SHAKA LAKA!
Do you know what are....MODERN TIMES, SPA'AM?

Spa'am:
Uh?

Claudia:
Bacon, Spa'am...
bacon.
(Smiles twistedly)

---

Dr. Van Neuter:
This has been the greatest day of our lives!

Bunsen:
No Claudia!

Beaker:
(Cheers)

Dr. Van Neuter:
Still owes me, though.
 

Winslow Leach

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Lefty enters, giggling.

Tony: So what are you so happy about?

Lefty shakes his coat; the sounds of multiple coins can be heard jingling.

Lefty: Ya wouldn't believe how many inflatable birthday cake kits I sold today!

Tony: Why are you back so early? Did you run out of balloons?

Lefty: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Riiiiight...riiiight...I finished the pack. I was wonderin' if I kin borrow some dough to buy anudder pack.

Tony: Are you kidding? Your pockets sound loaded!

Lefty: Riiiiight....right....but dis is my money. I want your money!

Tony sighs and turns on the TV; he leaps onto his bed.

Newsie (on TV) Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Tomatoes are a fruit! Film at eleven!

Newsie tosses his report, and stomps off the set.

Lefty: Wow. Ya learn somethin' new every day!
 

Winslow Leach

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Tony is on his bed, at wit's end...the magazine he was reading now covers his face...he is exasperated, because...

Lefty is doing the Electric Slide, in yet another attempt to get into the play Tony is writing.
 
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