Here's another request by Stan Davis. Enjoy!
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GUEST STAR: James Taylor
STYLE: Mid Season 5 (Between Jean-Pierre Rampal and Tony Randall)
COLD OPENING:
Pops is playing with a paddle ball, but keeps messing up. James then enters.
Pops: Hey, who are you?
James: I'm James Taylor. Hey, do you know if this is the place where I'm supposed to be doing the uhh...Muppet Show, tonight?
All of a sudden, in comes Beauregard slipping on something, Animal running around, and a whole bunch of mosquitoes flying around.
James: Yup. This is the place, alright.
THEME SONG
TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo spits candy hearts out of his trumpet.
Gonzo: Well, how sweet is that?
INTRODUCTION:
Kermit: Hi ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey we're gonna have a great show for you tonight, because our guest star is that fantastic man of song, James Taylor.
Miss Piggy: And guess what, Kermie?
Kermit: Piggy, I'm doing the introduction right now. Don't interrupt me.
Miss Piggy: But, Kermie, it's important!
Kermit: Alright, alright. What is it?
Miss Piggy: Do you know what today is?
Kermit: Ummm....Tuesday.
Miss Piggy: No, I mean the date.
Kermit: The 14th.....
Miss Piggy: Of? -gives Kermit calendar-
Kermit: -gulp- February!!!
Miss Piggy: Kermie, it's Valentine's Day! The most important day of.....love. And vous promised moi a date tonight AND a number in the show.
Kermit: The date, yes. The number, I can't.
Miss Piggy: Why not?
Kermit: Because all of the songs in the show tonight are songs that our guest star James Taylor has sung.
Miss Piggy: You would pull another Paul Simon.
Kermit: Well at least I PUT you in the opening number that night.
James: -comes out- Hey, Kermit?
Kermit: Oh look! It's our guest star, James Taylor! Yaaaaay!!!
James: Kermit, you might wanna hurry up with whatever argument you're having with Miss Piggy. The cactus are getting a little uhhh.....antsy.
Kermit: But, James, I thought ants don't exist in the desert.
Cactus: -runs onstage, covered in ants- AAAAAAAAHHHHH! That's what you think! AAAAAAAAHHH!!! -runs off-
Kermit: Yeesh. Alright, alright...James, you go get ready for your number. -James then goes back behind the curtain-
Miss Piggy: While VOUS and MOI have a little chat.
Kermit: Uh...oh....ummm ladies and gentlemen, here's our guest star opening our show tonight, James Taylor! -goes offstage, arguing with Miss Piggy-
OPENING NUMBER: Mexico sung by James surrounded by cactus in sombreros, tumbleweeds, a chupacabra, and other creatures.
BALCONY:
Statler: Do you know what comes from Mexico?
Waldorf: What?
Statler: Fleas. That's what comes from Mexico.
Both: Dohohohoho.
BACKSTAGE:
As James and the items and animals from the last number go off, Miss Piggy and Kermit are still arguing.
Miss Piggy: BUT YOU TOLD ME......
Kermit: I DIDN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING!!!!
Miss Piggy: WELL YOU JUST DID!!!
Kermit: WHO CARES WHAT I JUST SAID!?!?!?
Gonzo, Camilla, Floyd and Janice then come to the two's aide and stop the fight.
Gonzo: HEY HEY! HOLD IT!
Camilla: Bawk! (Stop!)
Kermit: What's the matter?
Floyd: Didn't you just say today was Valentine's Day?
Miss Piggy: -to Kermit- Told you.
Janice: Like, guys, Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day of love, not hate. But then again, like, I think every day should be like that.
Camilla: Bawk bawk bgawk bgawk! (That's not helping, Janice!)
Janice: Okay, like, sorry if I added in my own opinion.
Floyd: Uhhh what Jan was trying to say was is that you two should stop fighting. It's really annoying us.
Gonzo: Yeah, you guys have been arguing more lately than Gomez and Morticia Addams.
Floyd: Wait a second, they never fought.
Gonzo: Exactly. They should be more like them. Never fighting......does sword fighting count?
Kermit: Gonzo, Piggy and I can NEVER be like them. I don't even like French. And I'm pretty sure we all know why.....
Janice: Frog's Legs....
Kermit: DON'T SAY THAT!!! -goes onstage-
Miss Piggy: Humph! I hope he turns into frog's legs! -goes off-
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents a love potion, that makes the first object/person anyone sees intensely in love with it. Beaker tries it and falls in love with Bunsen.
BACKSTAGE:
As Bunsen is still running away from Beaker, he sets down the love potion. Floyd and Gonzo immediately spot it.
Gonzo: Hey, isn't that the love potion Bunsen just used a few minutes ago?
Floyd: I guess. Wait! I just came up with an idea.
Gonzo: What?
Floyd: We give the love potion to Kermit, and then he'll fall intensely in love with Lady Porkchop.
Gonzo: And by WE, do you mean YOU?
Floyd: No...YOU.
Gonzo: What? Me? But why?
Floyd: I don't do stuff like that. And besides, I got a number to do. -goes onstage-
Gonzo: But Floyd.....-gulp- Well....it's just a love potion. Ha ha....what could go wrong?
MUSICAL NUMBER: How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You), sung by Floyd serenading Janice in a "Romeo and Juliet"-esque setting, balcony and all. When Floyd climbs up the ladder to kiss Janice, just before he can kiss her, the ladder falls, sending both him and Janice into the fountain.
BALCONY:
Statler: Well, that was a "sweet" number.
Waldorf: Yeah, and it was a nice "fall", too.
Both: Dohohoho.
UK SKETCH: NEWSFLASH
Newsman: Here's a Muppet News Flash! "France and Italy are still competing over the fact of which country is the most romantic country in the world, this Valentine's Day. While France has the view of the Eiffel Tower, Italy has its Italian Food and boat rides."
A French Whatnot and an Italian Whatnot then come onstage arguing and then start beating each other up, unfortunately getting the Newsman involved, too.
BACKSTAGE:
Kermit: No.
Gonzo: Please.
Kermit: No.
Gonzo: Please.
Kermit: No.
Gonzo: Please.
Kermit: NO!!! I don't even like pink lemonade.
Gonzo: Well, then you have left me with no choice.
Kermit: What?
Gonzo then forces the love potion down Kermit's throat, just as Camilla is coming down the stairs. The love potion immediately takes affect as soon as Kermit sets eyes on Camilla.
Kermit: Ha....hi...chi..chi...chickie....
Camilla: BAWK!! (WHAT!!!)
Kermit: Come here...baby......
Camilla: BAWK! BAWK! BAAAAAAAAAWK! (AH! AH! NEAAAAAAAA!!!) -runs off, with Kermit chasing after her-
Gonzo: No! Camilla! Oh no...what have I done?
Miss Piggy: What HAVE you done?
Gonzo: Oohhh....I gave Kermit the love potion Bunsen made and he was supposed to fall for you, but instead he fell for Camilla!
Miss Piggy: WHAT!?!?!?! YOU GAVE KERMIT A LOVE POTION! AND NOW HE'S CHASING AFTER CAMILLA!?!?!?
Bunsen: I guess someone didn't pay attention to my explanation. The love potion makes anyone who takes it fall deeply in love with the first object/person they see.
Gonzo: Really? Lemme try. -drinks the love potion and sees a pen- Ooohh...pen. Hello, pen. No...I shall call you...Penny. Tell me about yourself, Penny. Do you like stunts? -goes off with the pen-
Miss Piggy: Good grief.
MUSICAL NUMBER: James sings Fire and Rain, in his dressing room, backed up with Floyd and Janice.
BACKSTAGE:
Immediately following the song, Miss Piggy enters the dressing room, in rage and heartbreak.
Miss Piggy: Ohohoho. Oh woah is moi.
James: Hey what's the matter, Miss Piggy? You sound like someone just broke your heart.
Floyd: Maybe the frog finally realized it. -chuckles-
Miss Piggy: I would karate chop you, Floyd, but moi's heart is too broken right now.
James: What's wrong?
Miss Piggy: MY FROG DUMPED ME FOR A CHICKEN!!!!! -cries-
James: Hey, Miss Piggy, it's okay. Everything will be alright.
Miss Piggy: No it won't! Gonzo gave my Kermie some stupid love potion and he fell for Camilla. And now Gonzo's in love with a pen.
Floyd: Awww why do I have to be the last man standing?
Miss Piggy: Oh you're taking it! YOU'RE TAKING THAT LOVE POTION, FLOYD!!!!
Floyd: What? Do I have......-Janice then whispers something to him and he nods- Do I really have to!?!?
Miss Piggy: Uh yeah, you do! Open wide, hippie boy!
Miss Piggy forces the love potion down Floyd's throat. He then immediately turns to Janice and falls deeply for her.
Floyd: Well hello, babe. Mmmmmmm you're looking fine tonight. You mind? -kisses Janice up her arm-
Miss Piggy: What? WHAT!?!?!?
James: Nice plan, Janice.
Janice: Like I've seen this stuff on TV before. I may be a blonde but I'm not that dumb.
Miss Piggy: Well sometimes blondes think alike, sister.
James: Well I guess your mind didn't think alike with hers this time.
Miss Piggy: There's only way to solve our problem.
James: Don't you mean YOUR problem. It isn't much Janice's problem since Floyd IS her boyfriend.
Miss Piggy: Oh zip it, Taylor. Surgery.
Janice: Surgery? Now? Well I don't know Miss Piggy.......
Floyd: Oh Jan, my baby doll -kisses her cheek a few times- be mine forever.
Janice: Oh, fer sure, honey. -Floyd kissees her cheek a few more times- Ooooh like you're so adorable when you do that........
Floyd: Will you marry me?
Janice: -turns to Miss Piggy, in shock- Let's do the surgery.
James: Well, that was a fast relationship.
BALCONY:
Waldorf: Huh, I wonder why there's been nothing onstage for a while.
Statler: It's mushy gushy Valentine's Day. They have to focus on a plot somehow.
Waldorf: I know, but I'm getting a little bored of it.
VET'S HOSPITAL: Kermit (whom is still in love with Camilla), Gonzo (whom is still in love with "Penny" the Pen) and Floyd (whom is still desperate to marry Janice) are the patients in Vet's Hospital.
Announcer: And now, "Veternarian's Hospital", the continuing stooooooory of a quack whose gone to the dogs.
Dr. Bob: Yeesh, I thought this was Vet's Hospital, not Vet's Therapy.
Nurse Piggy: But this is an emergency, Dr. Bob. They need surgery.
Dr. Bob: Doesn't everybody?
Nurse Janice: Yeah, but like they need it because they're obsessed with love.
Kermit: Cluck. Cluck. Cluck.
Nurse Piggy: Oh Kermie, don't fall for that chicken.
Kermit: Bawk!
Gonzo: -singing- Pretty Penny, walking down the street. Pretty Penny, the kind I'd like to meet.
Dr. Bob: Who's Penny? A penny?
Nurse Piggy: No, it's a pen.
Dr. Bob: That's freaky, falling for a pen. There might be cows in there.
Nurse Piggy: Not that kind of pen. A pen...the one you write with.
Dr. Bob: Well that's even freakier. -turns to Floyd- And what's his problem?
Floyd: Kiss me, Jan! -puckers lips, hoping for a kiss-
Nurse Janice: -puts hand over Floyd's mouth to stop him- Later!
Dr. Bob: Woah...he's on the Romeo try hard status alright.
Nurse Janice: Like, he wants to marry me.
Dr. Bob: That's a bad thing?
Nurse Janice: Like do you wanna raise kids, pay taxes and fight about him getting a legitimate job every day?
Dr. Bob: Suddenly, you have changed my opinion about marriage and life.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: -rushes onstage- Wait! I just made this antidote to cure their love problems. One sip of this, and they'll be back to normal in no time.
Dr. Bob: Hey! I'm the doctor here! Get off the stage!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: But I must, sir. It's the only way to cure them.
Dr. Bob: Okay, well then, I'm on break if anyone needs me.
Announcer: Wait, Dr. Bob, you can't just go off the stage like that in your own show.
Dr. Bob: What's the point of staying? I don't have a part in this plot. -goes offstage-
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew then gives the antidote to Kermit, Gonzo and Floyd and, instantly, all three of them are cured.
Kermit: Uhh...what happened?
Nurse Piggy: Ohhh Kermie! Kermie! You're okay! -hugs him-
Nurse Janice: Like Floyd....do you ever wanna marry me?
Floyd: Honestly, marriage is for losers who wanna waste their lives complaining to their husbands about finding legitimate jobs and arguing every day.
Nurse Janice: Do you love me?
Floyd: Jan, baby, of course I do. I love you with all my heart.
Nurse Janice: Oh Floyd! Like you're back to normal! -hugs Floyd-
Announcer: And so we come to the end of another "Veternarian's Hospital." Tune in next week when you'll hear Gonzo say......
Gonzo: What's this pen doing here? Oh well.....-bites on other side of pen-
BALCONY:
Statler: Ugh. I hate soap operas.
Waldorf: Have you ever been to one?
Statler: Yes, and it was even close to clean.
Both: Dohohohoho.
BACKSTAGE:
James: Hey, I'm glad you guys are alright.
Floyd: Yeah, well we're fine now, James.
Janice: Yeah, like that antidote that doctor gave us rully helped.
Rowlf (still dressed as Dr. Bob): Yeah and I wasn't it.
Miss Piggy: Kermie? Is our date still on tonight?
Kermit: Well.....I guess so.
Miss Piggy: Oh goody! Yay! -kisses Kermit's cheek-
Kermit: Ummm...after the show?
Miss Piggy: Oui....I mean, yes.
INTRODUCTION:
Kermit: Well, we've had a pretty hectic show tonight, but let's calm things down now and bring back our guest star, James Taylor, for one final number! YAY!!!!!!!
MUSICAL NUMBER: James sings Your Smiling Face, in a bright sunlight setting (with a sunshine smiling down on him)
GOODNIGHTS:
Kermit: Well, folks, I hope you've shown as much love as what love was spread tonight.
Floyd: And trust me, there was too much love on this show tonight.
Kermit: But before we wrap up tonight's show, let us say thank you again to our wonderful guest star.......
Floyd: Ladies and gentlemen...........
Both: James Taylor! YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!
James: Thank you guys so much. Tonight was a blast for me. And look, I even found my lucky pen.
Penny The Pen: Oh James....you look so adorable. -sigh-
James: Thanks, Penny. Hey you wanna go for dinner, tonight.
Penny The Pen: I WOULD LOVE TO!!
Floyd: Hey, isn't that Gonzo's ex-girlfriend of 15 minutes?
Penny The Pen: Who?
Kermit: Uhhhh we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
(Goodnights: Kermit, Floyd, Penny The Pen, Miss Piggy, Janice, Gonzo, and Camilla)
CLOSING THEME
BALCONY:
Waldorf: Too much love?
Statler: I say there's too little love for us here.
Waldorf: If they love us so much here, they should let us go.....oh wait the show's over.
Statler: Oh, then, let's go.
-They try to leave, but the door to the balcony is locked-
Statler and Waldorf: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
END
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Phew. This was a toughy to do. But I managed. I hope you all enjoyed it, though!