CHAPTER SEVEN
1:00
After having decided to split up into three teams of nine, Spamela sighed as they walked around the hedge maze. “Isn’t there a beach around here somewhere?”
Caitlyn watched the movie version of the Labyrinth on her iPod. “I don’t think they have one. Sarah met some old guy with a bird hat in that courtyard, found Ludo the Yeti, and knocked on a door … and that was basically it for this location.” She looked at the others. “At least there’s nothing real dangerous around here.”
As if on cue, creatures that looked like naked mole rats, with gigantic teeth, appeared in the hedges, chattering and clicking their large teeth menacingly.
Ailie gawked at them. “What on earth are those?”
They all turned around as they heard Digit scream. A couple of the little evil naked mole rats were chewing on his chest panel. He tried to pry them off, but they scurried around to a small panel on the back of his head. “Get ‘em off! Get ‘em off!”
Red Fraggle gasped in horror. However, she broke a large branch of the hedges off and brandished it at the creatures like a sword. With some loud whacks, she managed to knock them off, but they held fast to the branch. Red screamed and tried to whack them against the stone pathway, but they wouldn’t move.
Dr. Teeth grabbed the branch. “Here, lemme try.” He growled and smacked them on the ground far harder than Red could. “Take that, ya horde o’ diminutive demon-spawn!” No matter how hard he beat them, they stayed fast on the branch.
Zoot stared. “Man, I think they’re stuck.”
Lips nodded. “Yeah … didn’t the goblins use them on sticks in that movie?”
Caitlyn nodded, pushing buttons on her iPod. “Yeah, hang on.” There was a small pause. “Yeah, they’re like those little grabby things you can buy at stores, like sharks on a stick or something.”
Vicki looked around as the swarm seemed hesitant to attack. “If they get stuck to the branches, how did they get off of the hedges to attack?”
Ailie smirked. She grabbed a bunch of branches. “Maybe you got to apply some pressure to make ‘em stick!” She started thrashing the branches at the creatures. They hissed and squealed but stuck fast to the branches, desperate to free themselves, as they were all turning black and blue.
Spamela twirled her hair in her fingers. “They look really hurt.”
Dr. Teeth glanced at her. “So?”
Spamela bent over and stared at them. “It must be awful to get stuck and bite stuff all the time.”
Dr. Teeth shrugged. “Spammeh … they were bitin’ ‘fore we got ‘em back.”
Spamela smiled warmly. “Still, we need to help them get free.”
“Digit!” Vicki rushed over to her cybernetic boyfriend, horrified to see wires snapped and buttons torn off. “Digit, say something!” she exclaimed as she shook him.
Digit couldn’t focus. His eyes rolled around. His voice took on an Australian accent. “I bled a lot. I got hit across the face. We couldn't film for seven days. I got hit, whacked, underwater, across the face. I finished the shot, got into the boat and blood started coming out."
Zoot couldn’t help but stare. “Man, he’s fried.”
“Crikey, it’s croc savin’ time!” Digit barked.
Lips sighed. “He’s totally in Steve Irwin mode.”
Caitlyn walked over to Digit and sat down next to him, afraid to touch him. She sighed. “I wish Lindbergh were here. He’d know what to do.”
Ailie bent down near him. “I’ll help!” She poked and prodded and put some of the missing buttons back on his chest panel.
Digit twitched a bit before coming to, his voice returning to normal. “Where am I?”
Ailie grinned. “In the Labyrinth. I so totally just saved your life right now, 3PO.” She giggled.
Vicki sighed with relief and kissed Digit on his forehead. “Are you okay, Digit?”
Digit nodded, but responded again in an Australian accent. “The only animals I'm not comfortable with are parrots, but I'm learning as I go. I'm getting better and better at 'em. I really am.”
Vicki slapped her forehead.
<><><><><><>
Ryan pulled at his pirate shirt and sniffed it, flinching in disgust. “I hope we get to some shade soon. I’m gonna reek something awful otherwise.”
Alex checked her watch. “Well, we’ve been only walking an hour. How can you get that sweaty so fast?”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “Just … take it for granted, Alex.”
Waldo and Cotterpin were resting on Sweetums’ shoulders while Clifford, Bean, Pepe, and Rizzo started to fall behind the group.
“This sucks, h’okay,” Pepe mumbled.
Rizzo shrugged. “At least it ain’t the sewers.”
Pepe walked near the bottom of the hedges, as if he had a choice, given how small he was. “Why don’t we just crawl through?”
Bean gawked at Pepe. “You mean cheat?”
Pepe smirked. “It isn’t cheating if no one said you couldn’t do it, h’okay.”
“Don’t bother,” a small female voice noted. The group stopped and looked around. A small fairy was hovering just above Clifford’s head. She had short platinum hair, a black revealing top outfit, and some short shorts. She flew into the center of the crowd as they stared at her. “Jareth would consider it cheating, particularly if you don’t have a keystone.”
Pepe walked up to her, a pathetic goofy grin on his face. “You are really hot, h’okay.”
The tiny fairy glanced up at Ryan. “Cute costume,” she noted, sticking her tongue out. “What two-bit Halloween shop you dig that up from?”
Ryan scoffed. “Hey! This baby cost me a couple hundred dollars!”
The fairy rolled her eyes. “I can’t help it if you don’t know the value of a dollar,” she shot back playfully. She flew up to be eye level. “Hana.”
“A hand of what?” Rizzo asked.
She turned around. “It’s my name, scab-rat!” she growled. She glanced around at the others. “If you’re here getting your chains yanked by the Goblin King, the least I can do is come an’ help you out. It can get kinda dangerous around here for the uninitiated.”
Sweetums scoffed. “I ain’t afraid of no goblins!” he told her. “I can throw down with the best of ‘em!”
Hana laughed. “You think goblins are your main trouble? Those pathetic green-skinned morons couldn’t find their way out of a one-way exit.” She shook her head. “It’s the Labyrinth itself that’s the trouble.”
“Oh, yeah?” Pepe asked incredulously. “And what happens when we just cut through the hedges, h’okay?”
Hana put her hands on her hips, grinning. “Go ahead. See what happens, ya furry crustacean.”
Clifford followed behind Rizzo and Pepe as they crawled through the openings in the hedges. “I’m with them. Why go miles around in circles when you can just cut straight through?”
Ryan, Alex, Sweetums, Waldo, Cotterpin, and Bean watched as they disappeared in the thick foliage. Sweetums peeked over the hedges and looked around. “Guys?” he asked. “If we go left o’ here and turn right, we’ll end up where they went.”
“If you say so, ogre,” Hana snickered.
The remaining party went around a bend to where Clifford, Rizzo, and Pepe … should have been.
“Man, they’re fast,” Ryan noted. “Where are they?”
“Who knows?” Hana replied. “I tried to tell them.” She sighed. “Jareth hates cheaters.”
Ryan shook his head. “But Pepe was right … it’s not cheating if there were no prohibitions against it. Just because Jareth didn’t think through his rules doesn’t mean we should be punished.”
Meanwhile, Clifford, Pepe, and Rizzo came out of the foliage and saw a wondrous garden scene. It was filled with mushrooms that glowed, gnarled trees with colorful garlands draped over them, concrete benches, large arbors overflowing with flowers and vines … it was, in short, paradise.
A couple dozen fairies, all between six and twelve inches in height, giggled as they flitted about in the air.
“We have guests,” one noted shyly.
“Ooooh,” the others cooed, giggling some more.
The fairies flew in lazy circles around the stunned trio of dumbstruck males. “You look so tired from all that walking,” they told the trio.
Rizzo nodded. “Yeah, we could really use some R&R, gals.” He laughed, draping his arms around two fairy girls with long platinum hair.
Ten minutes later, the male trio were eating grapes that fairy girls dropped into their mouths from far above them, laughing when the grapes missed and fell to the grassy ground.
Clifford sighed happily. “I’m so glad I was wrong about this place,” he told his friends. “This Jareth guy is alright.”
“Si,” agreed Pepe.
<><><><><><>
Pearl whistled. “Whoo-boy … this sure is a relaxin’ setup,” she noted, looking at the perfectly shaped hedges and topiaries, some shaped like women, surrounded with bronze bag-like objects at their feet, and two shaped like men.
Chamberlain hissed. “This is absolutely the vilest vacation I’ve ever been on. I’ll hang Ailie upside down for getting us invited here.”
Kelly shoved him. “Grow up.”
Beth sighed and stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Gonzo asked, draping an arm over Camilla.
Beth pointed. “Look around. We’re stuck.”
Ed stopped. “What is it?”
The Count sighed. “There are no exits.”
“It’s a dead-end,” noted Uncle Deadly. “I guess we should turn around.”
They did so, only to find there was no entrance, either.
Hoggle nodded. “It’s the Labyrinth. A puzzle or riddle or trap … no matter whats you calls it, we ain’t gettin’ out until it’s solved.
Chamberlain lifted Hoggle off the ground. “You’re a prince! Get us out!”
Hoggle trembled. “I – I can’t! Ya gotta go through the Labyrinth once ya gets here! I can only tells ya what yer up against … not how ta solves it!” He kicked Chamberlain in the chest. “Now lets me go!”
Chamberlain unceremoniously dropped Hoggle like a rock.
Count von Count shrugged. “As long as ve’re here, I might as vell have something to count.” He walked over to the topiaries and started to count them. “That’s seven, seven women! That’s forty-nine, forty-nine bags! That’s three-hundred and forty-three, three-hundred and forty-three cat families! Ah ah ah!” Four claps of thunder could be heard in the distance.
Ed pondered over hearing the Count recite all that was in the area. “Hmmm,” he said finally. “What else is there?”
Uncle Deadly shrugged. “Just two male topiaries, dressed like peasants.”
Ed nodded and snapped his fingers. “I get it.”
Kelly gasped in recognition. “It’s that stupid riddle from Die Hard with a Vengeance!”
Ed nodded again. “The puzzle is actually very long-lived … to the seventeenth or eighteenth century BC, if I recall.” He pondered some more. “The number of total characters is irrelevant. Only the narrator was going to St. Ives.”
Count looked around. “How do ve tell vich one is the narrator?”
Beth walked over to each male topiary. “Hey, look,” she said finally, motioning for the others to come closer. “The one closest to the women has a golden ring on his finger!”
“The husband of the wives,” Ed acknowledged. “The other male must be the narrator.”
They walked over to the other male and Uncle Deadly found a small hole in the stone pot with two wires sticking out. He stretched out his hands, purple lightning zapping the two wires.
The sound of massive gears shifting and turning forced them to turn around. An entire side of the hedge wall lowered into the ground, revealing a large path beyond.
Kelly pumped her fist. “Score us! Woo-hoo!”
And with that, they continued on their journey.
<><><><><><>
Jareth sat draped over his semi-circular throne, staring at a crystal ball.
“How’re they doin’?” asked a small goblin with large tusks.
Jareth grinned. “Only an hour in … and three of them are at risk for demise.” He laughed.
There was a hushed silence among the goblins in the throne room.
Jareth growled. “Well – laugh!”
The goblins erupted into a nervous laughter.
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