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How I Spent My Summer Vacation (A Muppet Fic)
- Thread starter charlietheowl
- Start date
charlietheowl
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He was at the Muppet Boarding House, which has been upgraded in this story from the one in MFS, since the Muppets have their new show and such. I guess I didn't make that clear enough. Thanks for reading!
LipsGF4Life
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ur welcome!
charlietheowl
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I'm not working this week, so I have some spare time. Combine that with the fact that I was really looking forward to fiddling around with this plot, and I was able to work this out much quicker than I normally work.
Note 1: All song lyrics are copyright to Doug Ingle.
Note 2: My apologies to all the real life musicians, magazines, newspapers, literary characters and genres of music that are sullied by their association with Wayne and Wanda.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wayne! Wayne! Could you get out of the bathroom? We are on stage in ten minutes!"
"Coming! I need to finish whitening my teeth. This whitening pen isn't the easiest to maneuver around my molars."
Wanda kicked the door once for good measure and stood outside, huffing impatiently. After what seemed like an eternity, Wayne came out, teeth nearly blinding Wanda.
"Thank goodness you're done. I thought I was going to have to ask some roadie to sing your parts. Now we can start heading to the stage. This is a big concert, I expect you to be on the top of your game tonight."
"You don't have to worry tonight, I promise."
"None of this scenery falling down or stagehands eating you business. You need to make it through the entire set tonight, or else I start recording that solo album."
"You wouldn't!" Wayne gasped.
"I will! I've got Daryl Hall's agent's number and can have him in for a duet like that! People have always said I have the voice for adult contemporary." She snapped her fingers right in front of Wayne's nose.
"You act like bad stuff happens every time we perform together-"
"It does, actually."
Wayne was left speechless, but that was something Wanda was used to.
"Look, we've been rehearsing this new material for months, and we're getting better. We're making progress. This could be big for us."
After Sam the Eagle unceremoniously let the duo go from under his wing, Wayne and Wanda scuffled to find a new sound. Standards were out- those didn't sell anymore. Audiences wanted something edgier, something more exciting, and, by golly, they were going to give it to them.
They tried disco (Rolling Stone: "Wayne and Wanda's new album will clear the dance floor faster than a pack of rabid boars."). They tried new wave and synth-pop (Billboard: "The new wave has officially washed up on shore, and it's no more welcome than oil at the beach."). They tried soul balladry (The New York Times: "What Wayne and Wanda did to soul music should be a felony, or at least a misdemeanor."). They even tried salsa (The Surgeon General's Office:"Listening to Wayne and Wanda will cause stomach pains, headaches, blindness, loss of rhythm, tone-deafness, and desire to listen to Michael Bolton.").
But that didn't stop them. After their latest platter was banned in 49 states (Wayne and Wanda: He's A Little Bit Jazz, She's A Little Bit Fusion), the two headed back to the Muppet boarding house to plot their next move. After considering forays into reggaeton and crime-rap, the due figured out their next move.
Perhaps the problem was that they tried to write their own material. After all, it was hard to write a song, let alone churn out twelve for an album. Maybe they could give the pen a rest for a little bit. And lots of fine artists didn't write their own songs, instead preferring to rely on covers. Linda Ronstadt, Diana Ross, William Shatner. All critically acclaimed artists and their albums had not been deemed weapons of mass destruction by the United Nations (Been Down So Long I Was Invited To Appear In A Life-Alert Commercial: Wayne and Wanda Sing Chicago Blues). The two of them set out to find their favorite obscure songs, ones that deserved a little more attention or perhaps a new interpretation. A few weeks later, they had twenty songs and a chunk of time in the Muppet Recording Studio. The Electric Mayhem provided sympathetic backup (and unsympathetic critique), and in three months, a new album was born.
Janice suggested that they give the album a simple title so to not give the critics any fodder for mean comments, so they gave the album the vaguest title they could think of. Wayne and Wanda Present: Sounds. No one could argue that the album did not contain sounds. Here's to you, Pitchfork!
Suddenly, an unkempt badger who looked like he stepped out of 1974 leaned into their dressing room. "Ready to go?"
"Yes!"
The two of them made their way through the labyrinthine backstage, passing dressing rooms, sound equipment, stagehands, all sorts of things, until they got to the edge of the stage.
"Our public awaits!" said an excited Wayne.
The badger just stared, rolled his eyes, and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. "Sure. Wait until you hear your names and head out on stage."
"Gee! Wanda, he sure was rude! And that cigarette didn't look like he bought it in a store. I bet he's smoking some of that wild catnip."
"Get yourself together. You film one D.A.R.E. commercial and you become paranoid about drugs. Let's get ready, they're starting the introduction."
A voice boomed out over the theatre's sound system. "Live…one night only…unless you actually like them…then we could bring them back…possibly…I don't want to commit to anything yet...Wayne…and… Wanda!"
The two walked triumphantly on stage to face a crowd full of excited penguins and not much else.
"Gee, there must be fifty penguins in the audience tonight. A new record."
Despite critical lambasting from almost every group of people, animal and monster in the world, Wayne and Wanda retained a stronghold over the penguin market. This was largely because of the early endorsement of noted penguin gadabout Lance Chance, also known as "Jay Gatsby with feathers and a beak", who called their music "like Josh Groban without all the hard edges". That was all the publicity needed, and Wayne and Wanda made several successful tours of the Arctic Circles, playing at sold-out igloo bars. They hired a group of musical penguins (called The Emperors) to back them up on the tour in an attempt to capitalize.
"WAYNE! WANDA! WHOOOOOOOO!" The crowd went wild.
"Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind," blurted an excited Wayne.
Wanda rolled her eyes. Only amateurs showed their excitement on stage. The Stevie Nicks and Carly Simons of the world didn't lose it over a few measly fans. They kept it cool.
"Hello everybody. I'm Wanda, and this is Wayne, and we're here to sing for you. Up first is a new number we've worked out and rearranged to sing as a duet. Hope you enjoy it, it's a real blast from the past."
She turned around and signaled to the drummer, who adjusted his headband, yelled "One-Two-Three-Four" and kicked into the song.
The backing band launched into a mid-tempo dirge that was unlike most of the music they had recorded previously, confusing the audience. The organist played some droning chords before Wayne fired up his pipes.
"In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey, don't you know that I love you!"
Wanda took the next line, belting out like a choking Janis Joplin.
"In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true!"
Then Wayne again, sounding like a drowning Jim Morrison.
"Oh won't you come with me and take my hand!"
Wanda answered, straining her vocal chords over the droning organ.
"Oh won't you come with me and walk this land!"
The two of them came together for the climactic line of the chorus, truly belting it out like they were looking to rid themselves of a lung or a hairball.
"PLEASE TAKE MY HAND!"
The audience looked stunned, while the Emperors launched into a jam. Wayne and Wanda backed away from the microphones and whispered to each other.
"I don't think it's a good sign when you can whisper during a concert."
"The audience is just respectful, Wanda. Sheesh."
"If we lose the penguins then we have no one! No one! Daryl Hall might bail on me! Then I'll have to settle for Joe Cocker! His teeth are bad, Wayne."
"Maybe he can borrow my teeth whitener."
"Pay attention! Look- is that Lance Chance heading for the door? No! We can't lose him! They'll all follow him out. No!"
"Maybe he wants a snack."
"I'd like a snack too. The band's got at least thirteen minutes left in this jam, so I'm going to get a hot dog. Want anything?"
"A pretzel. But try to scrape off some of the salt, it upsets my stomach."
"All right, be back in a few. And Wayne- one more thing."
"Yes?"
"Maybe the psychedelic rock album wasn't the best idea."
"But, our version of Light My Fire is brilliant!"
"I better call Daryl Hall's agent tonight."
"Wanda! Wait! Let's make that crime-rap album! I got a speeding ticket once! That's material for a song, right?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming up "next": Nigel has a strange encounter.
Note 1: All song lyrics are copyright to Doug Ingle.
Note 2: My apologies to all the real life musicians, magazines, newspapers, literary characters and genres of music that are sullied by their association with Wayne and Wanda.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Wayne! Wayne! Could you get out of the bathroom? We are on stage in ten minutes!"
"Coming! I need to finish whitening my teeth. This whitening pen isn't the easiest to maneuver around my molars."
Wanda kicked the door once for good measure and stood outside, huffing impatiently. After what seemed like an eternity, Wayne came out, teeth nearly blinding Wanda.
"Thank goodness you're done. I thought I was going to have to ask some roadie to sing your parts. Now we can start heading to the stage. This is a big concert, I expect you to be on the top of your game tonight."
"You don't have to worry tonight, I promise."
"None of this scenery falling down or stagehands eating you business. You need to make it through the entire set tonight, or else I start recording that solo album."
"You wouldn't!" Wayne gasped.
"I will! I've got Daryl Hall's agent's number and can have him in for a duet like that! People have always said I have the voice for adult contemporary." She snapped her fingers right in front of Wayne's nose.
"You act like bad stuff happens every time we perform together-"
"It does, actually."
Wayne was left speechless, but that was something Wanda was used to.
"Look, we've been rehearsing this new material for months, and we're getting better. We're making progress. This could be big for us."
After Sam the Eagle unceremoniously let the duo go from under his wing, Wayne and Wanda scuffled to find a new sound. Standards were out- those didn't sell anymore. Audiences wanted something edgier, something more exciting, and, by golly, they were going to give it to them.
They tried disco (Rolling Stone: "Wayne and Wanda's new album will clear the dance floor faster than a pack of rabid boars."). They tried new wave and synth-pop (Billboard: "The new wave has officially washed up on shore, and it's no more welcome than oil at the beach."). They tried soul balladry (The New York Times: "What Wayne and Wanda did to soul music should be a felony, or at least a misdemeanor."). They even tried salsa (The Surgeon General's Office:"Listening to Wayne and Wanda will cause stomach pains, headaches, blindness, loss of rhythm, tone-deafness, and desire to listen to Michael Bolton.").
But that didn't stop them. After their latest platter was banned in 49 states (Wayne and Wanda: He's A Little Bit Jazz, She's A Little Bit Fusion), the two headed back to the Muppet boarding house to plot their next move. After considering forays into reggaeton and crime-rap, the due figured out their next move.
Perhaps the problem was that they tried to write their own material. After all, it was hard to write a song, let alone churn out twelve for an album. Maybe they could give the pen a rest for a little bit. And lots of fine artists didn't write their own songs, instead preferring to rely on covers. Linda Ronstadt, Diana Ross, William Shatner. All critically acclaimed artists and their albums had not been deemed weapons of mass destruction by the United Nations (Been Down So Long I Was Invited To Appear In A Life-Alert Commercial: Wayne and Wanda Sing Chicago Blues). The two of them set out to find their favorite obscure songs, ones that deserved a little more attention or perhaps a new interpretation. A few weeks later, they had twenty songs and a chunk of time in the Muppet Recording Studio. The Electric Mayhem provided sympathetic backup (and unsympathetic critique), and in three months, a new album was born.
Janice suggested that they give the album a simple title so to not give the critics any fodder for mean comments, so they gave the album the vaguest title they could think of. Wayne and Wanda Present: Sounds. No one could argue that the album did not contain sounds. Here's to you, Pitchfork!
Suddenly, an unkempt badger who looked like he stepped out of 1974 leaned into their dressing room. "Ready to go?"
"Yes!"
The two of them made their way through the labyrinthine backstage, passing dressing rooms, sound equipment, stagehands, all sorts of things, until they got to the edge of the stage.
"Our public awaits!" said an excited Wayne.
The badger just stared, rolled his eyes, and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. "Sure. Wait until you hear your names and head out on stage."
"Gee! Wanda, he sure was rude! And that cigarette didn't look like he bought it in a store. I bet he's smoking some of that wild catnip."
"Get yourself together. You film one D.A.R.E. commercial and you become paranoid about drugs. Let's get ready, they're starting the introduction."
A voice boomed out over the theatre's sound system. "Live…one night only…unless you actually like them…then we could bring them back…possibly…I don't want to commit to anything yet...Wayne…and… Wanda!"
The two walked triumphantly on stage to face a crowd full of excited penguins and not much else.
"Gee, there must be fifty penguins in the audience tonight. A new record."
Despite critical lambasting from almost every group of people, animal and monster in the world, Wayne and Wanda retained a stronghold over the penguin market. This was largely because of the early endorsement of noted penguin gadabout Lance Chance, also known as "Jay Gatsby with feathers and a beak", who called their music "like Josh Groban without all the hard edges". That was all the publicity needed, and Wayne and Wanda made several successful tours of the Arctic Circles, playing at sold-out igloo bars. They hired a group of musical penguins (called The Emperors) to back them up on the tour in an attempt to capitalize.
"WAYNE! WANDA! WHOOOOOOOO!" The crowd went wild.
"Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind," blurted an excited Wayne.
Wanda rolled her eyes. Only amateurs showed their excitement on stage. The Stevie Nicks and Carly Simons of the world didn't lose it over a few measly fans. They kept it cool.
"Hello everybody. I'm Wanda, and this is Wayne, and we're here to sing for you. Up first is a new number we've worked out and rearranged to sing as a duet. Hope you enjoy it, it's a real blast from the past."
She turned around and signaled to the drummer, who adjusted his headband, yelled "One-Two-Three-Four" and kicked into the song.
The backing band launched into a mid-tempo dirge that was unlike most of the music they had recorded previously, confusing the audience. The organist played some droning chords before Wayne fired up his pipes.
"In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey, don't you know that I love you!"
Wanda took the next line, belting out like a choking Janis Joplin.
"In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true!"
Then Wayne again, sounding like a drowning Jim Morrison.
"Oh won't you come with me and take my hand!"
Wanda answered, straining her vocal chords over the droning organ.
"Oh won't you come with me and walk this land!"
The two of them came together for the climactic line of the chorus, truly belting it out like they were looking to rid themselves of a lung or a hairball.
"PLEASE TAKE MY HAND!"
The audience looked stunned, while the Emperors launched into a jam. Wayne and Wanda backed away from the microphones and whispered to each other.
"I don't think it's a good sign when you can whisper during a concert."
"The audience is just respectful, Wanda. Sheesh."
"If we lose the penguins then we have no one! No one! Daryl Hall might bail on me! Then I'll have to settle for Joe Cocker! His teeth are bad, Wayne."
"Maybe he can borrow my teeth whitener."
"Pay attention! Look- is that Lance Chance heading for the door? No! We can't lose him! They'll all follow him out. No!"
"Maybe he wants a snack."
"I'd like a snack too. The band's got at least thirteen minutes left in this jam, so I'm going to get a hot dog. Want anything?"
"A pretzel. But try to scrape off some of the salt, it upsets my stomach."
"All right, be back in a few. And Wayne- one more thing."
"Yes?"
"Maybe the psychedelic rock album wasn't the best idea."
"But, our version of Light My Fire is brilliant!"
"I better call Daryl Hall's agent tonight."
"Wanda! Wait! Let's make that crime-rap album! I got a speeding ticket once! That's material for a song, right?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming up "next": Nigel has a strange encounter.
newsmanfan
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------------
*howling*
OMG so MANY hilarious references in this. I think, however, my favorite is the Life-Alert one. Although Wanda's line about "a voice made for adult contemp" had me unable to keep reading for a full minute.
BRAVO!!
------------
*howling*
OMG so MANY hilarious references in this. I think, however, my favorite is the Life-Alert one. Although Wanda's line about "a voice made for adult contemp" had me unable to keep reading for a full minute.
BRAVO!!
------------
charlietheowl
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Thank you guys! I'm a big music fan, and I love reading music reviews (the more critical the better), so it was fun to think of some ill-conceived genres for them. And I think Wanda might be casting a wandering eye after all these years of seeing Wayne get eaten/smashed/smushed/et al on stage. I hear she called up Lionel Richie too.
DramaQueenMokey
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I died at the 'considering forays into reggaeton and crime-rap', probably because I love reggaeton and hardcore gangster rap! 
Wayne's getting a speeding ticket is not enough material for a song...perhaps if he got a ticket and was caught with that 'wild catnip' he'd have something there XD
LOVED this XD
Wayne's getting a speeding ticket is not enough material for a song...perhaps if he got a ticket and was caught with that 'wild catnip' he'd have something there XD
LOVED this XD
newsmanfan
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I wanna see the "Wayne goes to prison" epsiode, Charlie. Write it.
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I wanna see the "Wayne goes to prison" epsiode, Charlie. Write it.
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charlietheowl
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Then Wayne could pull a Johnny Cash and release a live album from the prison.
Wayne: Live at Whatnot County Jail
Wayne: Live at Whatnot County Jail