Frights, Camera, Action: A Muppet Mystery

[Muppet Newsgirl]

That's cool, Ed - I'll get a look at it as soon as I can.

I'm working on Chapter 10, and I'm getting my thoughts in order for the day of the festival itself. I was under the weather today, so I still couldn't get much writing done. (It's always something, eh?) But I'm definitely shooting to have the next chapter up tomorrow night.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

All right, after a few delays, here is chapter ten. I wrote this one kind of as I went along, but I think it starts to tie things up.

Statler: What, you have to tie your readers to a chair now?
Waldorf: So it should be criminal to make us read this story...think the judge will buy it?

***

Chapter Ten: From Wrap Party to Rap Sheet

“How unbelievably diabolical,” Gonzo breathed. “They’re geniuses! Why didn’t we have them help write the movie?”

The others, however, weren’t quite as admiring.

Gobo stomped his foot. “Why, those dirty, rotten, no-good…”

Red joined in, “Low-down, cheating, thieving, two-faced…”

“Now, you two, there’s no need for profanity,” Boober said.

“I can’t believe it,” Skeeter muttered. “But on the other hand…it all fits.”

“Yeah – Maggie had access to everyone’s filming schedules. She said herself that she’s got issues with Cecil.” Nora turned. “And you guys said the film society was full of back-stabbing types.”

“Enough to make Hitchcock’s movies look like romantic comedies,” Richard said wryly. In the background, Steve made slashing motions while Dave whistled some shrieking violin sounds through his teeth.

“And Morty…well, I guess he and the others really can’t tape ‘Spook Seekers’ while we’re in here," Kermit said. "And I guess I wouldn’t want Perry Normal for a boss either – J.P. Grosse is bad enough.”

“But Kermit, my uncle did give us the money for the film permit," Scooter pointed out. "Oh - and he wants to see some tap-dancing llamas in one scene.”

“Joy.”

Outside, Maggie and Morty walked over to the Spook Seekers van, still arguing. They opened the back doors and hauled out some boxes and bags.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s get out there and pay them back for all the trouble they caused,” Miss Piggy said indignantly. Several others cheered their agreement.

“No, wait, everyone,” Kermit held out his hand for silence. “They probably think we’re all asleep, right? So we’ll let them sneak in and start setting up for their next evil trick.”

“Lull them into a false sense of security,” Nora breathed.

“Yes, they’ve gotten away with it so far, they’re bound to get a little complacent,” Bunsen said approvingly. Beaker seconded that with a few meeps.

“And then, we’ll catch them red-handed,” Scooter said.

“What color are their hands now?” Gilbert wondered. When everyone gave him a long, pitying look, he said, “What? It’s a legitimate question.”

Millicent folded her arms over her chest. “Well, the catch-them-in-the-act bit has its merits, but I’m in favor of a good, old-fashioned turning of the tables.”

“You mean, spook them like they spooked us,” Fozzie said.

“Exactly.”

Kermit nodded. “Sounds crazy…but then, so’s everything else we’ve done, so what do you say?”

A murmur of consent went up.

“Great. Now, listen. We left some of the sound effects stuff back in the dining room…we need a few of you guys to hide back in the secret passages, and a few more under the stairs. Lew, you get your boomerang fish ready…and are there any banana cream pies left?”

***

The window squeaked open, and Maggie and Morty slipped inside, lugging a strange-looking box and a few backpacks.

Maggie looked around. “I don’t see anyone.” She looked down at the box. “So what did you use this for?”

“It’s how we scared all those tourists out of that old hotel up on Cape Cod, for that one show we did,” Morty snickered. “You’d be amazed how people freak out over a little colored smoke and a few well-placed shadows.”

“Very nice.” Maggie looked around impatiently. “Let’s get that upstairs.”

In the passage behind the dining room wall, Jim motioned to several of his co-workers.

“Ooooooooooh….” They all intoned in a suitably ghostly chorus.

Morty put his head up. “What was that?”

“It’s the wind,” Maggie shrugged.

In their hiding place under the stairs, Rowlf and the Electric Mayhem joined in with other spooky sound effects, including moans, the occasional roar from Animal, and the warble of a Theremin someone had thought to bring along.

Something fish-shaped went whipping through the air.

“Look, there’s something else!”

“Morty, calm down. Let’s go.”

From his hiding place in the vent system, Gonzo cackled. “I smell mortals!” He paused. “They really need to use some deodorant or something.”

Maggie curled her lip. “Go set it up. I’ll be up there shortly.” As Morty went upstairs, Maggie opened her backpack and started to rummage around in it.

“Maggie, my dear, whatever are you doing?” Uncle Deadly crooned in his ghostliest voice. “Tsk, tsk, going around spoiling other people’s movies. Didn’t your mother raise you better than that?” To Nora, he mouthed, “How am I doing?”

“Needs more spook,” Nora whispered back from her hiding spot behind the grandfather clock.

“And a few eerie laughs,” Robin added.

Maggie threw her pack to the floor. “All right, I don’t know what kind of two-bit parlor tricks you Muppets are trying to pull…”

“Two-bit parlor tricks?” Millicent asked, her voice filling the halls. “Is that any different from what you two nitwits have been doing to our home?”

“Your home?” Maggie laughed sardonically. “Don’t dig up that old legend with me. The Knebworths are dead, buried, and not here, so – eeek!”

Sweetums lumbered out of his hiding place and flung his arms around Maggie.

The lights flipped on, and everyone started to stream out of their hiding places.

“Smile, you’re on candid camera,” Rowlf sang.

“Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,” Miss Piggy said airily as she looked at the struggling second vice president of the Hensonville Filmmakers, Film Watchers and Popcorn Munchers Society. “How could you think that you could stop us, the great Muppets, with a bunch of silly little tricks?”

“And who said we weren’t here?” Gilbert asked as he and Millicent materialized out of thin air. “By the way, you owe us a new chandelier for the upstairs hallway – that was a Tiffany original, do you realize that?”

Maggie frowned. “This place is actually haunted?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry, Maggie, ghosts are really forgiving. The police, on the other hand, not so much,” Gonzo said. "We've caught the crooks, so let's pick up that party where we left off, I still haven't shown you my mental spoon-bending..."

“Hang on,” Skeeter cut him off as she looked around. “Where’s Scooter?”

Nora frowned. “He was upstairs. He was in charge of that big box of rubber spiders…”

“Help!” a voice choked out from the top of the stairs.

Morty stood at the top of the stairs, with one arm clutching a struggling Scooter in a headlock.

Everyone started screaming, “Let him go!”

Several of them tried to run up to rescue Scooter, but Morty took some kind of flash bomb out of his pocket and threw it down at them, and it erupted into a flash in mid-air. Everyone promptly backed off a few paces.

“That also worked on scaring people off,” Morty grinned. “Episode 15, Castle Daventry. What a show.”

“You Muppets think you’re so smart, don’t you,” Maggie sneered as she slipped out of Sweetums’ grasp, and climbed up the stairs to join Morty and Scooter. “Drop out of the festival now, and we’ll let Scooter go.”

“Maggie, why?” Kermit shouted. “Is one film festival really worth it?”

“It’s not just Reel Time, Kermit,” Maggie said, a hint of steel in her voice. “It’s everything. Do you realize how long I’ve had to deal with that stupid fool, Cecil, and his stupid demands? He knows nothing about movies. This whole town knows nothing about movies, come to think of it. But if I ran the film society…”

She shook her head. “Enough of that. Morty, let’s go!”

But as the two crooks started to drag him away, Scooter slipped off his shoe, and flung it at a painting on the wall – the painting where, in the movie, Fozzie discovered one of the clues to Lord Wringing-Necke’s treasure.

Right on cue, a banana cream pie shot out from where it had been stashed earlier, and splattered Morty in the face.

As Scooter wriggled free and bolted downstairs, Morty stumbled backwards and put his foot through the hole that had been clumsily patched up earlier.

“I’m stuck…I’m stuck!” he moaned in a voice that sounded remarkably like Link Hogthrob.

Right at that moment, a boomerang fish carrying a little bag of powder – actually a pulverized box of Licorice Splits – went soaring up toward Maggie.

It smacked into the wall and released a puff of black, licorice-scented dust, sending Maggie into fits of choking and coughing. She dropped to her knees, rubbing her eyes.

As the Muppets streamed up the stairs and put Maggie and Morty into citizen’s arrest, Millicent gave Heather an approving look. “Finally, someone came up with a good use for those noxious little cookies.”

***

All right, the crooks have been caught at last...in the last chapter, we'll see Reel Time itself. Once again, stay tuned.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

The next chapter will be along soon, I promise - I just haven't had very much time for writing in the last few days.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Okay, after a lengthy delay, here now is the final chapter of "Frights, Camera, Action," in which we attend the festival itself.

Chapter Eleven: Reel Time

“Good evening, Hensonville,” the female voice proclaimed over the loudspeaker. “And this is Reel Time!”

With that, a pair of scissors snipped through a red ribbon stretched across the entrance to the convention center, and a throng of moviegoers eagerly streamed inside.

“Twenty movies. We’re going to be all heckled out by the end of this two-bit picture show,” Statler said grimly as he surveyed the movie schedule.

“Well, if we don’t keep these weirdoes’ egos deflated, nobody will,” Waldorf said.

At the door, Miss Piggy and Kermit were posing for a few photographers from the local papers; Kermit wore a tuxedo while Miss Piggy sported a glittery pink and purple dress.

“Kermit, tell us how you managed to keep ‘Ghoul on the Hill’ going, despite all the problems you encountered?” a reporter asked.

“It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t make any sense. But what the hey, that’s a typical week for us at the theater, so we’re all used to it,” Kermit laughed.

“But we couldn’t have made it through without our charming directeur,” Miss Piggy crooned as she gave Kermit a rib-cracking hug.

A lot had happened since the showdown at Castle Irene.

Cecil dePille, obviously embarrassed that one of his board members had been causing all the trouble, agreed to give all the contestants an additional week to fine-tune their movies.

“What time is ‘Ghoul’ on?” Nora asked.

“Eight o’clock, screening room 9. Come on, let’s go check out the Fraggles’ movie – it’s on now,” Scooter said as he glanced at his watch.

The Fraggles’ movie, “Miracle on the Rock,” had started in screening room 5.

It was the story of an underdog rock hockey team, Cassie’s Cliff Crawlers, and their efforts to make it to the rock hockey finals of the ninth drafting.

“But we need you – we’ll be hopeless in the finals without you!” The Fraggle up on the screen clutched her rock hockey paddle.

“No, young forward…I’m just an old goaltender who should have gone off to the Caves of Eternal Bliss years ago.” The old coach coughed and clutched her chest. “This is your game.”

Already, a few audience members were sniffling and reaching for their tissue boxes. In the back row, Sweetums blew noisily into a giant spotted handkerchief.

“Boober was right,” Red said as she handed a few tissues to a sniffling Wembley. “A little pathos does go a long way.”

“That case of rotlung – played out perfectly!” Boober blew a kiss to the screen.

In the end, the Cliff Crawlers ended up winning the cup, and their beloved coach recovered from the dread case of rotlung, as the audience erupted in cheers.

***

“Boy, that Salad Days movie was a waste of time,” Waldorf said.

“Yeah, the only fresh tomatoes in it were the ones the audience threw at the screen!” Statler remarked.

The two men guffawed. “So who’s next?” Statler asked.

“Well, there’s the movie with the bear and the other weirdoes in it, might as well get that out of the way,” Waldorf said.

Screening room 9 was already filling to the brim. Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy and all the other Muppets took up the first two rows in the center, while Jim and his gang sat in the side section.

“A chilling, subtly crafted tale of revenge from beyond the grave…” Gonzo read from the program. “Wow…they make us sound really funny!”

But Fozzie shook his head. “Who wrote this program? They didn’t mention anything about the pies or the chickens?”

Kermit climbed up on stage. “Hi-ho, everyone, and welcome to this first screening of ‘Ghoul on the Hill.’ We’re really proud of our contribution to the festival – it took us a long time getting here, for reasons that are giving Cecil dePille a bad case of heartburn…”

“Who says he’s the only one with heartburn?” Statler asked.

“Yeah, this flick hasn’t started yet, and we’ve already got ulcers!” Waldorf retorted.

“Uh, right,” Kermit shrugged. “Anyways, roll tape!” He went and took his seat as the lights went down.

An eerie female voice echoed over the theater’s speakers, as Uncle Deadly slowly faded in, sitting in a chair by the fireplace in the parlor. “In life, he was the most hateful, vile, cold-hearted creature. A master manipulator, a dastardly fiend, a cruel crusher of people’s dreams.”

At that, Uncle Deadly turned to the camera. “You flatter me, my dear.”

“But even after seventy-seven fruitful years of crushing and manipulating, even Lord Cyril Wringing-Necke recognized that there would come a day when he would breathe his last. Even so, he had no intention of breaking his winning streak,” the narrator continued.

“It was really nice of Millicent to do the narration,” Miss Piggy said approvingly.

Uncle Deadly stood up and paced the parlor. “Surely, a little thing like death can’t stop me from tormenting all who cross my path. I must think of a way to continue my reign of terror, from beyond the grave…but how?”

“So he called up his lawyer, and in his will, he named seven acquaintances,” Millicent continued as screenshots of Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Gonzo and the other heirs scrolled across the screen. “And he devised a plot so sinister, and weird, that it made him worthy of the title… ‘Ghoul on the Hill.’”

And so the story began. Sam, still looking appropriately stiff and starched, read from the will as everyone gathered in the parlor.

After a few moments of everyone exploring the mansion, the hunt for the clues began, and so did the curses. The pies flying out of the wall. The trip-wired vases, the chandeliers, the trick staircases, all as Uncle Deadly laughed menacingly in the background.

Finally, there came the final scene, the discovery of the treasure hidden away in the basement.

Skeeter, in full costume as a detective, hammered on a section of the wall with her baton. There was a hollow-sounding knock. “It’s back here!”

The heirs started hammering on the wall with any available furniture, until the wall gave way.
“Fools!” Uncle Deadly raged. “You may have found my treasure, but you’re all still cursed!”

“Listen, Wringing-Necke – you may think that a bunch of silly traps are enough to slow us down, but you’re wrong!” Kermit snapped. “That’s all you could unleash on people in life, and don’t think you’ll be any better at it as a ghost!”

With a final cry of rage, Uncle Deadly disappeared into thin air. “You’ve not seen the last of me!”

The audience clapped wildly as the lights came up, and there were a few cries of “Encore!” from Jim and his friends.

One of the judges made a few approving notes on a judging form. “Definitely a contender for best thriller…nice special effects, narration well done, banana pies a nice touch,” he murmured as he left the screening room.

Several of the Muppets stood and took a few bows.

Uncle Deadly’s wife, Eleanor, swept down to the front row and planted a wet, smacky kiss on her mate’s snout. “Darling, you were positively wicked, absolutely fiendish.”

“But of course, my sweet one,” Deadly said gallantly as he took her arm and walked out with her.

“Well, that’s that,” Floyd said as he and the Mayhem got up. “Let’s go, there’s a doc about the Eagles on in the next room.”

“Let’s go, Camilla – you want to see that film about love on a poultry farm during World War II, don’t you,” Gonzo asked as he helped Camilla up.

“Oh, Kermit, my love…I feel so thirsty. Won’t you join me in a drink?” Miss Piggy cooed.

“Don’t think there’ll be enough room,” Fozzie taunted, before ducking to avoid the pink high-heeled slipper hurled at him.

“I’d be glad to, Miss Piggy,” Kermit stood up. “Maybe a milkshake or something.”

Scooter, Skeeter and Nora were among the last to leave.

Nora scanned the program. “Next up is Sundae, Cherry Sundae – a metaphor for political unrest surrounding an ice cream parlor in 1960s Belfast…”

“Hey, what’s that?” Scooter pointed to something that had suddenly materialized in one of the front seats.

It was an envelope, covered in the same symbols from the Knebworths’ stage act.

Dear Kermit and all:

The movie was wonderful, and thank you for letting us help out a bit for the re-shoot. And thank you again for helping to flush out those two nitwits – as ever, feel free to come visit us up at Castle Irene, and don’t be surprised if you see us around the Muppet Theater sometime. Simply put, you've made a pair of lonely ghosts very happy.

Love, Gilbert and Millicent.

“Talk about a ghostwriter,” Skeeter joked. “Let’s go.”

***

And this, my friends, is the part where they say, "The End."

 

[Abb Green]

Good job! I really enjoyed the suspensful parts!

 

[JEANYLASER]

awesome story!