And here's Chapter 4 everybody!
IV
Tuesday began with a bang.
Literally.
Crazy Harry had rigged one of the orchestra pits tubas to blast away anytime the player played a D on the instrument. This of course was the worst thing possible when trying to play the Toccata Fugue in D.
Basically, it was a typical start to the day at the Muppet Theater.
Tuesdays usually didn’t see that much activity, with many acts not coming in until the next day or having past their acts with both the director and stage manager on Monday. Tuesdays however were the days in which Nigel ran the Muppet orchestra through their paces, rehearsing for each number that they would play in.
It also meant double duty for those members of the orchestra who were also members of the rock band, the Electric Mayhem. Dr. Teeth also ran rehearsals for the band on Tuesdays and Thursdays, though he was understanding in having his rehearsals well past the time Nigel wanted them on stage.
Tuesdays also marked the day that the Great Gonzo found time for a little preventive measuring. In order to avoid the great wall disaster of 87, Gonzo made sure to take great care of all of his equipment that he would use, could be using, and thought about using in any of his acts.
For Sunday night’s show, he thought he had come up with the coupe de gras, if he did say so himself. Being the romantic that he was, he had decided he wanted to serenade his favorite chicken with a song and he would sing it to her center stage. Now Gonzo didn’t want to just sing any song and certainly, any song wouldn’t do for his little chickadee.
No, sir.
Gonzo’s song for that week would be Duran Duran’s “Electric Barbarella”, a nice poppy song about a man who was obviously in love with a mannequin. Why Gonzo thought this was an appropriate song and why Camilla even let him choose it was between the two, but often times they understood each other better than anyone else could.
That understanding also extended to the very concept that Gonzo had in terms of performing this number. Gonzo’s grand scheme was to have the stage somehow rotate around, in the air, while he jumped from floating podium to floating podium. Granted, this idea of his had been around for quite some time, just in different context and the daredevil felt he had finally beaten Kermit far enough down that the frog had just said yes, thinking one, Gonzo would leave him the heck alone and two, the idea was so preposterous, it couldn’t be done.
But Gonzo knew people and the people he knew were good at what they did. So with some help, the daredevil was able to get a slight modification to his original idea.
The platform itself would be split in half, with an inner ring and an outer ring. The inner ring would be where Camilla would stand. The outer ring was sectioned into smaller rings that would then rotate around the inner ring and also had the ability to move up and down, giving the rings an uplift movement.
The whole idea wasn’t cheap in any sense of the word and Gonzo was fairly sure the only reason Kermit had even given his consent was the fact that the former plumbing magnate had offered to buy all the materials and pay the workers.
Scooter found the weirdo in the basement of the theater, in the area right under the stage. He had given Kermit his word that anything mechanical would be looked at and analyzed with a fine tooth magnifying glass before the frog would let Gonzo use the thing and the page was down there to do exactly that. Well…not just that.
The assistant had decided to take Rowlf’s advice. It made sense, of course; who else would be better at knowing how being in love and being loved felt than the very couples he was surrounded with every day? He had wanted to talk to Floyd first, but Scooter knew Nigel ran an unusually tight ship around the orchestra players, so he would need to wait until the Mayhem started to practice.
That left trying to decide between talking to Gonzo or Kermit. Truthfully, Scooter wanted to speak to Kermit last; maybe it was because the frog held the unique situation of having loved and lost and then regained, but the assistant also needed to ask Kermit some other things and he didn’t exactly want to announce his intentions to everyone.
That ultimately meant that Gonzo was the first on his list that day.
It was no secret that Gonzo was very much an equal opportunity ladies man. The weirdo held a deep appreciation of the female form and he held no embarrassment in admitting that the appreciation was for every female form. Gonzo was the only person he knew that could literally say they had dated just about every species known to man, woman, or Muppet kind in the world. But even with a wondering eye and sometimes a wondering hand or arm, the daredevil had none the less been captured by one Camilla Clucks.
If the term opposite attracts ever held, it held in the case of these two. Oh, Kermit may have stated up and down the coasts that he and Piggy clearly had nothing in common with each other (which was, of course, a big fat lie), Gonzo and Camilla were completely outmatched with each other. Gonzo’s eccentrices had caused the best of people to question his sanity; his love of danger and the everlasting thrill had certainly turned off more women than the sight of a naked Donald Trump.
Camilla, by contrast, held the same type of grandiose style that Piggy had perfected. She was a professional, she was talented, and she was well aware of it.
What the chicken saw in the daredevil, no one knew, but it was obviously something that kept her with him for so very long. They only had at most a few months officially on the frog and pig and they certainly were in the running for longest interspecies relationship, probably better than their spokespeople were.
Scooter could admit that when he got stuck on something and needed an idea, Gonzo was the best person to talk to. The majority of his ideas and plans were so out of left field that it would jump start the creative processes; when the Muppets had broken apart, the red head had tried to find a replacement, only coming as close as Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it wasn’t the same. Scooter needed the real deal if he was ever going to come up with something that would so impress Amanda that, if his declaration of love failed, he would be able to cover up the mistake.
“I see the frog sent you down to make sure I didn’t blow up the theater. Again.”
“Right you are,” the manager replied, watching as Gonzo went around the large platform and checking on various screws and hinges. “However, I like to call it part of my investment.”
The one detail that neither Scooter nor Gonzo happened to mention to their frog boss was that Scooter had been the one who hired the mechanics who worked on the platform, while Gonzo was the one that paid their wages. It had been a mutual decision by both – Gonzo would get his platform and Scooter saw an additional use for the thing sometime down the line.
“Well as you can see,” the daredevil replied, coming around to stand next to the red head. “Your ‘investment’ is doing just fine and is going to look great on stage. I’ve already got Sweetums and BD on hand to get it upstairs.”
“Can’t wait to see it,” the assistant murmured. “Listen Gonzo, there was actually another reason I came down. I uh…I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Alright,” Gonzo replied. “What about?”
Scooter shrugged. Why were these talks so hard? He had known Gonzo for a good portion of his life! It wasn’t like he was talking to a stranger, the blue stuntman was practically family!
“You know,” he said. “About…stuff.”
Gonzo looked at him shrewdly. “Didn’t we already have this conversation with you?”
Maybe talking to a stranger would’ve been better.
“Not that,” Scooter huffed. “And yes, for your information, Kermit did go over that with me and I reiterate, it was the worst thirty minutes of my life and something I have tried years to forget. That is not why I came down here.”
“You sure?” Gonzo asked. “Cause Amanda is a one fine looking woman and…”
“Watch what you say about my girlfriend, Gonzo.”
“Boy,” the daredevil chuckled. “You do have it bad, don’t you?”
“Apparently.” Scooter sighed, a little despondently. “Seriously, Gonzo, I need some help with all this.”
As much as it would have been fun to continue teasing the boy, Gonzo never the less patted his shoulder in a friendly fashion. “Aw, come on, kid,” he said. “Don’t get so down. You just tell Uncle Gonzo what the problem is.”
As ridiculous as that entire sentence sounded, Scooter couldn’t help but laugh. Gonzo always did manage to find a joke somewhere, though it was usually Fozzie they turned to in order to get a laugh in any situation. “There’s no problem,” he began. “Not exactly. Gonzo, you and Camilla have been together for a while, right?”
“We’re only second to the pig and frog for longest interspecies relationship,” Gonzo stated proudly. “Though I do call foul when you consider that we started dating before they did, but I guess that’s neither here or there…”
“How did you tell her?”
“Tell who what?”
“Camilla,” Scooter said. “How…how did you tell her about how you felt about her?”
Gonzo shrugged. “Swallowed a bunch of red hots and managed to breath ‘I love you’ in flames.”
Scooter looked at him. “If you’re not gonna take this seriously…”
“I’m being serious!” Gonzo proclaimed. “I’m totally serious! I had this whole fire act planned out, using just some atomic fireballs, a match, and a body meant to be set on fire. I didn’t think Camilla would be in the audience, but there she was sitting front row center and looking as though… “
“As though what?”
“As though she wanted to see me,” Gonzo remembered, fondly. He could easily draw the picture from memory – a tiny little show room, blurry lights, and Camilla sitting happily in front of the stage. That was back when Gonzo still did his stunts outside of the Muppet Show, usually testing to see which ones worked and which didn’t.
On that night, he hadn’t expected the cute little chicken he’d managed to spend most of his time with to even be there, but there she was. In hindsight, he hadn’t been the best of boyfriends to her – something he ultimately shared with a certain commitment fearing frog – and he was remiss in stating that Camilla hadn’t been the only girl he had his eye on, but there was something about her that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about.
And seeing her in the audience that night, even after the jerk he had been, and some of the unnecessary things he had put her through…she still managed to come to one of his craptastic shows.
“Needless to say,” Gonzo replied, coming back to himself and the current conversation. “I had run out of fireballs and only had red hots. Seeing her in the audience, I did the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
“And that’s saying something.”
“Don’t interrupt me, Junior,” came the retort. “Anyway, seeing her in the audience, I decided that enough was enough and I swallowed the red hots, followed it up with some cinnamon and a match and whoosh. I still don’t know how I was actually able to spell ‘I love you’ and I obviously can’t do it again.” Looking at the manager, he finished with, “It actually takes quite some time for the cells in your mouth to regenerate once you’ve shot a stream of flammable projectiles through your teeth.”
Scooter just looked at him. “You’re a lunatic.”
“Don’t knock it till you tried it,” the daredevil stated. “Camilla loved it.”
“Then you’re both lunatics.”
“Hey, I didn’t hear her complaining on our wedding day.”
That stopped both of them from replying. Scooter swung a stunned look towards Gonzo, while the stuntman grimaced at his lapse of holding his tongue.
“I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”
“Well,” Gonzo began. “That all depends on what you heard.”
“Did you just say that you and Camilla got married and didn’t bother to mention this to anyone?”
“I…don’t remember saying it like that…”
“Gonzo!”
“Now hold on…”
“Are you seriously telling me that you got married and one, you didn’t even bother to invite any of us, but two, you haven’t even bothered to tell any of us!?”
“Well, if you keep shouting like that, then everyone’s gonna know,” Gonzo retorted. “Now before you get your big boy pants in a twist, just let me explain.”
Scooter folded his arms across his chest, making a fairly imposing figure, despite the fact that Gonzo was one of those people who were immune to this act. “Start explaining.”
“Hey,” Gonzo replied, sternly. “Knock it off. You don’t get to be huffy with me, though I’ll allow some huffiness in this matter. Look, it wasn’t like we snuck around everyone and got married behind your backs; don’t you think I wanted my best friends, my family, at my wedding? What was I gonna do? The only person who I knew for sure where they were was you.”
“I could’ve found everyone,” the red head muttered.
“I’m sure you could have,” the daredevil agreed. “And then my wedding would’ve been a complete disaster and you know I’m right. It may not have been much, but that was her day and I wasn’t going to inflict or bring about pain, disaster, and destruction. Besides, it’s not like I can go around proclaiming it and you know why.”
Scooter couldn’t help but sigh. As much as he wanted to be upset about this, he knew Gonzo was right. The discord and disharmony that was the Muppets from the time of their very last movie to now had been the very reason they had split apart in the first place; coupled with California’s stance on marriage that was outside of the ‘norm’, the manager had to begrudgingly admit that the stuntman was correct in his assumptions.
“I know,” he sighed.
“It’s bad enough Piggy would kill me if she heard.”
“What?”
“Oh come on,” Gonzo huffed. “If Piggy ever found out that Camilla and I got married before her and Kermit, she’d blow such a gasket, Yosemite could take lessons.”
“I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit.”
“I give Piggy the same amount of credit that relates to how far she can throw me,” Gonzo stated. “And as you can attest, it’s pretty darn far.”
The stuntman couldn’t help but sigh. He hadn’t meant to say anything in regards to Camilla and himself and he certainly hadn’t meant to bad mouth the show’s leading lady, especially not in front of her favorite Muppet pupil. Throwing an arm around the stage manager’s shoulders, Gonzo gave him a small shake.
“I’m sorry, Scooter,” he said. “You didn’t come down here for all of that. Look, you want my advice?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then just do this,” he started. “If you know you love this girl – and obviously you do or you wouldn’t be asking me for advice – then you have to tell her.”
“But how?” Scooter whined. “And what she doesn’t feel the same?”
“First,” Gonzo started. “I can almost guarantee she feels the same because if she doesn’t, there will be heck to pay should the Axis of Evil find out. Second, the how part – you’re a smart kid; I know you can figure out something using that genius brain of yours. Work with what you got; women are surprising creatures and actually like simplicity. But they like creativity too.”
“Creative simplicity?”
“By jove, I think you’ve got it!” the weirdo exclaimed. “Exactly. Of course it helps to know what Amanda likes and all, but I don’t think you have a problem finding that out, right?”
Scooter nodded, slowly, that genius brain of his working out a few details. Despite the oddness of the conversation, which always happened when speaking to Gonzo, the weirdo had given the red head another direction that he could possibly use.
“Thanks,” he murmured, heading towards the stairs. Stopping however, he turned to look back. “Hey Gonzo?”
“Yeah?”
“Congratulations.”
The weirdo smiled, shyly. He had meant what he said, he had never meant to go behind everyone’s backs and he certainly had wished that he could’ve given Camilla the wedding she deserved, with everyone they knew, but at the time…bringing the Muppets back together, before the time had been right, could have been disastrous and the daredevil hadn’t wanted that.
Especially if it meant bringing together two of the most volatile people he had ever known, to his wedding, with the underlining understanding that they weren’t married and apparently weren’t ever going to be.
Yeah, that would’ve been a day to remember.
“You know,” Gonzo began. “We’ll need help in order to organization the bigger and better wedding.”
Smirking, Scooter shook his head slightly. “You know I’m not the one to go to for wedding planning.”
“As her assistant, I expect you to be able to at least get a head start.”
“We’ll see,” the page joked. “Thanks, Gonzo.”
[hr]
It was early afternoon when Scooter made his way towards the music studios that sat on the Muppet Studio lot. He had gotten a lot done in terms of administrative work that he and Kermit usually took care off during the week when they weren’t leading the group away from certain death.
The time alone actually did give Scooter the change to actively think about what he wanted to do for Amanda that weekend. Knowing that he was in love with her pushed his original plans out the window, at least for the celebration of Valentine’s Day. No, this Sunday had to be special because it held many special things on it – it was a day of love, it marked four months in their relationship, and Scooter was in love.
That was much more than candy and flowers could really say.
Once again, Gonzo had managed to talk some sense into the boy through his own weird personal story. The red head was luckily too distracted with his own love life to begin to harp on the fact that he hadn’t been invited to the stuntman’s wedding, but the daredevil’s tale of stating his love for his new wife had started an idea within Scooter that he didn’t think he could ignore.
From the first time Amanda had seen him perform on stage, she had been asking him when he planned on doing it again. While Scooter did enjoy being on stage, he preferred the behind the scenes work that he did as both the stage manager and production assistant, but he couldn’t deny that the thought of Amanda sitting in the audience and proudly watching him do his thing gave his ego a boost.
With the foundation of an idea in place, the red head went in search of Floyd Pepper, bassist for the Electric Mayhem, in hopes of some extra guidance and maybe furthering some of the ideas he had going through his head. He knew the Mayhem usually practiced well into the night, especially if they were having a good night.
Strains of music were coming from the studio, the sounds of a much slower song happening, but one that still had a rocking beat to it; or rather, a rocking beat courtesy of the Mayhem. It sounded as though Scooter had walked in on the middle of Floyd’s verse and while that wasn’t unusual, the following lines he heard did cause him to pause as he walked through the doorway.
“How to tell you girl,
I wanna build my world around you.
Tell you that it’s true.
I wanna make you understand that I’m talking about a lifetime plan.”
“Life plan! Life plan!” Animal shouted, causing the group to halt the song.
“Aw Animal,” Floyd complained. “You came in too early, man.”
“Sah-ry.”
“Well, if it isn’t our honorific manager and young ward,” Dr. Teeth proclaimed when he saw the assistant at the door. “How may we assist you on this melodious day?”
“I was just passing by,” Scooter began, easily being interrupted by Floyd’s throaty laugh.
“Passing by or fleeing in terror?” the bassist asked.
“I’ll have you know the frog and pig aren’t even on the lot today,” Scooter said, matter of factly, though there was a slight grin on his face. “I have no idea where they are nor am I going to bother to find out.”
“Like, sometimes I wonder who’s really running the show around here,” Janice joked, giving a hug to her favorite non biological brother.
“I’d say it was a free for all,” the assistant quipped. “But if I had to guess, I’d say Piggy. And then me.”
“I think you might have to rewind that back,” Teeth chuckled.
“Hey,” Scooter protested. “Piggy’s owns my soul, so of course she’s running things around here.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Aw Jani,” Scooter cooed. “You know you own my heart.”
“Liar,” the blonde giggled, tousling the boy’s hair. “And don’t let Amanda hear you say that. The girl’s like totally commando and stuff. I’d definitely want her with me, if like I’m ever in a dark alley.”
“Gee, thanks babe,” Floyd pouted. “I thought I was your knight in shining armor.”
“You’re the shiniest, honey bunch!” Janice replied, leaning over to peck her boyfriend on the cheek. “But Amanda could protect both of us without breaking a sweat.”
“Alright children, gather ‘round,” Teeth replied, gathering everyone together. “I don’t know about you, but my stomach’s playing Beethoven against my ribs. Why don’t we breath a little lunch into ourselves before we start rockin’ again?”
“Awesome,” Janice sighed in delight. “I’ve so been craving a veggie wrap. You in, lover?”
“You know what I like, babe,” the bassist nodded. “The kid and I are gonna tune up.”
Scooter looked at his fellow red head, always amazed that the bassist seemed to know when the younger Muppet needed to talk to him. They waited as the others filed out, all heading towards the shops that were lined along the street across from them.
“You need help tuning your bass?” Scooter asked.
“Just keeping you on your toes, man,” Floyd replied, handing over his bass to the assistant. There were very few people that Pepper allowed to handle his axe – Janice was one and Scooter was the other, only because the bassist trusted them implicitly to handle it with care.
Scooter obediently threw the shoulder strap over his head, settling the bass against his body and began a walking blues rift, the very same one that Floyd had taught him years ago. It was the perfect warm up exercise, especially when Floyd insisted that the boy do the rift in every key.
“Something on your mind?”
“Couple things.”
“I noticed,” Floyd chuckled.
“Am I really that transparent?” asked Scooter.
“Only to the folks that know you as well as we do,” Floyd nodded. “So? What’s the beef?” He sat down on the nearby couch they had, Janice’s guitar in his hands, and began improvising over the bass line that Scooter was giving to him.
“Valentine’s is this week.”
“The day of love and roses,” Floyd replied. “This is your first with your lady, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Got something planned?”
“No,” the assistant sighed, switching keys. “Yes, I don’t know. I had something planned, but…I kinda…realized something so that changes everything.”
“If I’m not mistaken,” Floyd said, grooving to the new key. “There’s love in those baby browns of yours. Ain’t nothing better than knowing you’ve been caught by a fine woman.”
“So what do I do?” Scooter asked.
“Well, you tell her, man.”
“I know that,” the page huffed, changing keys once again. “But how? What did you do?”
“My girl is a music lover, as you know,” Floyd said. “So I got the band together and serenaded her.”
Scooter looked at him skeptically. “With Zoot?” he asked. Janice and Zoot had been an item when the show had first started up, but had soon dissolved, which allowed Floyd to pick up the slack.
“Sure,” Floyd nodded. “He was the one who suggested it. They had a good run and they’re obviously still friends, so I just asked him what he thought.”
“Huh.”
“Zoot’s a good guy,” the bassist continued. “Skips a groove every once in a while, but he’s solid. Anyway, he tipped me on how to get a good woman like Janice on my speed dial, you dig?”
“Right.”
“So I picked a little Motely Crue, stood outside her window – not an easy feat when you live in a high rise apartment – and told her I was digging on her.”
“And that’s that?”
“No reason to get all complicated, now is there?”
The two managed to finish their impromptu song in the key of G, leaving Scooter a little more solid on his own plans. “No, I guess not.”
“Right on,” Floyd replied, standing and placing Janice’s guitar back where she had left it. The elder red head stood before his younger counterpart, taking the bass back and looking him in the eye.
“Don’t over complicate,” he whispered, patting the assistant on the shoulder.
“A song would be enough?”
“As long as you pick the right song,” Floyd nodded. “I gotta couple in mind and you know Ol’ Brown Ears has a million of them to choose from.”
“It’s that simple?” Scooter asked.
“Love is always simple, baby,” the bassist replied. “It’s us people that make it complicated.”
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