I hope you're ready for a big mama-jama entry of...
Muppets from Earth
Part 14: Grand Opening
by Kim McFarland
*****
Backstage at the Muppet Theater, Scooter was quickly counting the stacked chairs and tables stored backstage left. Sweetums was checking through the painted backdrops to ensure they would open in the right order. In the orchestra pit the musicians were testing out their instruments, making sure they were all plugged in and, where applicable, amped up. Gonzo was giving the cannons a last-minute polish. Kermit was at his desk, coordinating the chaos to the best of his ability, and Robin was helping out by answering the phone, which kept the little frog off the floor and safe from the feet of harried Muppets.
It was opening day. It was normally busy backstage before a show, but for the first performance in years, and with no guest star to keep them on good behavior, it was just this side of chaos.
Fozzie was wringing his tie in his hands and looking anxiously out at the empty seats. "What if they don't come?" he said.
"We pre-sold lots of tickets," Kermit told the bear without looking up. "We'll have an audience."
Unsatisfied, Fozzie began crumpling his hat in his hands. The old fedora was already so soft, a little extra mangling could do it no harm. Gonzo, in his purple tuxedo, said, "Got butterflies? Me too."
Fozzie looked over.
"You're nervous? I didn't think you ever got stage fright."
Gonzo put down the polishing cloths and leaned against the cannon. "Sure I do! I just don't let it get to me. I tell myself, what's the worst that can happen?"
"People can boo me off the stage," Fozzie replied. "Gonzo, it's been so long since I did a comic monologue. What if I choke up? It used to be..."
Gonzo patted him on the back. "You can do it, Fozzie. Whatever you had, you still got it."
"I hope you're right. But, just in case..." He turned away, then turned back and handed Gonzo a pie plate and a can of whipped cream.
Fozzie did not need to explain. A pie in the face was always good for a laugh. If the act was flopping, rescue him by smacking him. For a comedian, it was a much more dignified way of cutting an act short than yanking him off the stage with a hook. "You can count on me," Gonzo promised.
The hustle and chaos continued backstage. One of the rare islands of calm was Gonzo and Camilla's dressing room. Camilla was sitting on her nest, brooding her egg. She would still be in the act; she was, after all, a trouper. The room was warm, so the egg would be fine if she covered it up and left it for a few minutes. She was already in costume, which in her case was a tiara-like headdress with tinsel streamers hanging down from the tines. It never hurt to add a touch of sparkle and glitz to the act.
**
Soon the heavy red curtains were lowered. It was time to let the audience in. The backstage chaos upgraded to pandemonium for the next half hour. Then the stage was set for the opening, everything was done that could be done, and there was nothing more to distract the performers from their rapidly beating hearts.
The house lights dimmed, and the orchestra began tuning up, or at least playing random notes and squawks. The cacophony lasted for half a minute, at the end of which the theater was quiet. Lit by a follow spot, Kermit bounded out on stage and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!" The red curtains parted, revealing the old familiar arches, now repainted to look new.
This part of the act came naturally to most of the Muppets. Most of them had only taken a single run-through to refresh themselves on the song and dance; only those who had joined after the Muppet Show's original run needed to learn the routine. They slipped in easily enough. By the end the arches were even more crowded than before, which was fine. As long as the stage didn't collapse—and it had been specially reinforced—the more the merrier! At the end of the final chorus Gonzo raised his trumpet and took a breath, then mimed blowing hard. In the pit, a flutist played a piccolo trill. When he finished Gonzo stared at his trumpet in mock surprise, and the curtains closed.
Everybody scrambled offstage and began dressing the stage for the next set. The actors in the number helped the stagehands; in this troupe, people did not stick rigidly to their job descriptions. While that was going on, Kermit walked in front of the curtains again. When the applause had died down somewhat he said, "Thank you, thank you, it feels great to be back. I bet it feels great for you too, or at least better, since we had the seats re-cushioned." He made a face at his own joke. "Anyway, let's start the show off with something old, something new, something borrowed, and nothing blue: the wit and witticisms of Fozzie Bear!"
The musicians played Fozzie's theme, and the bear skipped out in front of the curtains. "Heya heya heya! I've got some great new jokes for you! See, these three strings go into a bar-"
"You promise us new jokes, but you've just got the same old yarns!"
"It figures, he's just stringing us along, same as ever."
Fozzie stared up at the two old men laughing in the left box seat.
**
Gonzo waited in the wings, whipped cream pie in hand, as Fozzie fought his way through the joke, hindered every step of the way by his nemeses. The joke might have been funny if Fozzie could have told it straight, but the hecklers were clearly not going to let that happen. He eventually reached the punch line and the orchestra played him off the stage. Once safely backstage he wiped his forehead with his hand. "Statler and Waldorf are here!"
"Who'd have thought that they were still around," the Frog replied sympathetically.
"I know! It's just like old times!" In his joy he grabbed Kermit in a brief bear hug. Then he noticed Gonzo. "But it seems like such a shame to let a good pie go to waste."
"Ya sure?" Gonzo asked.
"I'm not on again 'til the second act." He posed, arms out. "Bring it on!"
Gonzo splatted Fozzie in the face. Fozzie peeled the foil plate off, said, "Aaaaaaa!", and dashed off to wash up.
Kermit watched Fozzie scamper away, then told Gonzo, "You've got competition in the weirdness department." Seeing that the next act was ready, he said, "And speaking of weirdness—" He went onstage to introduce them.
Gonzo dashed up to his dressing room to change; his act was coming up. As he opened the door he noticed that some wise guy had replaced his star with a glitter-covered egg. As soon as he shut the door he peeled off his purple suit. The red jumpsuit with its yellow cape were laid out for him, and the favorite of his many helmets and goggles. As he changed he told Camilla, "It's going great. This act is gonna be a hit, I just know it!"
Camilla clucked urgently to him. He stopped changing and said, "What?"
She stood up. He dashed over to her nest. There was a tiny X-shaped crack in the shell of their egg. He stared for a moment, then said, "I'll tell 'em I can't do the act today. Just—"
She squawked loudly, cutting him off. He replied, incredulous, "Are you kidding?" She clucked some more. "No, I'm not going to miss this!" She replied with another round of very determined clucking. "I
know they take longer than that to hatch, but—"
She squawked at length, then pointed firmly at his helmet. She stared him down, and reluctantly he resumed changing. "I'll be back as quick as I can," he told her. She clucked back as affectionately as if they had not just argued.
**
The curtains opened halfway, revealing the Muppet Labs set, which only occupied the middle of the stage. Dr. Honeydew stepped forward. "Greetings from Muppet Labs, where the future is already here. Today we are positively delighted to present our solution to the fuel crisis: Muppet Labs' recycling explosive, patent pending."
He lectured, "How many times have you run out of gas on the road? I'll bet you said to yourself, 'Why doesn't someone invent a fuel that lasts forever?' As you know, automobiles have internal combustion motors. The key word is 'combust.' When there is no more gas, there are no more explosions to make the motor work. But now we can provide you with
oodles of explosions!" He turned to the side. "Beaker, the explosives, please."
Beaker nervously inched onto the stage behind two ten-foot poles, on the end of which was something that looked like a hot water bottle with a wire attached. Bunsen said, "Each of these contains a teeny-tiny amount of our explosive, which carries a lifetime guarantee. To demonstrate, we have enlisted our resident expert."
The curtains opened the rest of the way, revealing the cannons on either side of the stage, the chicken showgirls, and The Great Gonzo. Gonzo said, "Greetings! I, the Great Gonzo, will demonstrate this explosive in an act which combines science, art, and utter lunacy! Gentlemen, the charges!"
Bunsen and Beaker each went to the back of a cannon, opened the breech, and put one of the rubber pads inside, then threaded the wire through the fuse tube. Next, Gonzo said, "Ladies, the detonators!" Two of the chickens took the wires, at the end of which was a button switch.
"And now, the cannonball!" He hopped up on the lab desk, knocking over a Newton's Cradle, and jumped feet-first into the cannon on stage left. On cue, the orchestra began playing Tchaikovsky's
1812 Overture.
Gonzo's heart was pounding in anticipation. The first explosion came right on cue, and his life suddenly became very busy. He was thrown high into the air, then came down toward the second cannon. He aimed himself for the muzzle, and made it almost without touching the collar. Some people panicked when in danger; Gonzo, on the other hand, experienced exactly the opposite. His mind became clearest and most focused when he was in the throes of an adrenalin rush, enabling him to react quickly enough to survive his stunts. The next explosion tossed him high into the air again—he felt the impact, but no pain—and he came down in the collar of the target cannon, sliding feet-first into the barrel just in time for the chicken to press the switch and launch him again in time with the music. When he sailed into the air again he screamed, "Yee-
ha!"
Each firing and landing jarred the cannons backward just a touch, but it was beginning to add up. Gonzo could compensate; he straightened his body like a javelin and pushed off the collar with the hands as he landed to keep himself on target. But one explosion did not come on time. The chicken was rapidly pressing the switch, but nothing happened.
Bunsen hurried forward and opened the breech quickly. The last landing had jerked the wire loose. He stuck it back into place and slammed the breech shut again. The chicken clicked the switch frantically. Two rapid clicks set off two explosions just as the music ended. The double boost sent Gonzo zinging across the stage, through the wings, and into the wall of the backstage right area. He fell to the floor in a shower of brick and mortar crumbs.
Scooter hurried over and exclaimed, "Gonzo! Are you all right?"
"Oh, bubble wrap," Gonzo mumbled.
Gonzo was struggling to get his limbs under himself. Scooter helped him up, then said, "How many fingers am I holding up?"
"All of 'em," Gonzo replied dazedly. He managed to stand, and said, "I gotta get back to my dressing room!"
"I'll help you."
"Thanks." As they climbed the stairs Gonzo shook off the disorientation. At his door he said, "I won't be able to do Piggy's number. Sorry-"
"Don't worry about it. I've got you covered." Scooter had learned long ago that any time Gonzo had a particularly punishing act, have an understudy ready for any part he might have to play afterward.
"Thanks," Gonzo repeated, and went in, closing the door behind himself. Scooter hustled down the stairs and over to Wardrobe.
**
Camilla was not alarmed by Gonzo's condition. He was shaky and his costume was ripped, but then he was a daredevil. He had made a career of taking ridiculous risks and surviving them. If he was lucid, he was fine. She clucked, and he answered, "It was cool. A little snafu at the end, but no big deal. How's the egg?"
She backed up on the nest so he could see it. The crack had widened into a small hole, and the egg was moving slightly; the chick within was squirming around, eager to get out. He knelt by the nest and whispered, "Come on, you can do it..."
**
The rest of the first act went by as usual, which for the Muppets mean that there were mishaps and ad-libs and upstaging galore, but it was entertaining. During the first intermission everyone set tables and chairs on the stage, and the stagehands dropped the background into place.
The house lights flashed, signaling the patrons that the second act was about to begin. After a suitable time, the house lights dimmed and the curtains opened, revealing a set that looked like a posh nightclub. Various Muppets—all men—were at the tables, sipping from empty glasses and talking in low voices to each other. Floyd began plucking a bass fiddle. Miss Piggy appeared onstage wearing a strapless, skintight red dress, with long gloves and shoes to match. Everyone onstage turned to stare in fascination. She acknowledged the audience's applause with a sultry smile. Then she began to sing to her onstage admirers,
"You had plenty money, 1922,
You let all the women make a fool of you."
She turned to sashay toward the nearest of the tables. She sang to its occupants, Clifford and Pepe, who were staring at her with open mouths,
"Why don't you do right like some other men do?
Get out of here, get me some money too."
She turned disdainfully away. Pepe nearly fell out of his seat. Her next targets were Beauregard and Scooter. Scooter had replaced Gonzo, she noticed. Not that it made any difference to her; she was the star of this act and the others were just scenery. As they gaped she continued,
"You're sitting there and wond'ring what it's all about.
You ain't got no money, they will put you out.
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too. "
She turned her back on them too and glided across the stage to the next table. She was clearly getting into the song now, putting more oomph into it. There was already ample oomph in her dress.
She stopped at Rowlf and Link Hogthrob's table and looked appraisingly at them while singing,
"If you had prepared twenty years ago
You wouldn't be wand'ring now from door to door.
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too."
She turned away from them and searched the stage with her eyes, looking around as if in despair. Then the light faded in on a table off to the side that had, up until now, been in the dark, its lone occupant an anonymous silhouette. She approached it, singing as if to an old lover,
"I fell for your jivin' and I took you in.
Now all you got to offer me's a drink of gin."
She took her target—who was now revealed to be Kermit the Frog—in her arms, lifted him to his feet and, her voice lowering to a husky growl, she sang to him,
"Why don't you do right, like some other men do?
Get out of here and get me some money too."
Kermit looked stunned, and made no effort to escape as she leaned forward and crooned,
Why don't you do right, like some other men do?"
But instead of kissing him, she released him, letting him drop back into his seat. She sashayed away, then sang the last line sweetly over her shoulder,
"Like some other men... do!"
The curtains closed. Miss Piggy, on hearing the applause, said, "Still got it, baby!" She almost raised an arm triumphantly, but stopped herself at the last moment. Her dress was stunning—and precarious. She had spent much time rehearsing in her dressing room, working out how to move in it. To make dramatic gestures, or even take too deep a breath, was to court disaster.
**
The egg had not made much progress. The chick was squirming around inside the shell, but the hole had not widened. Sometimes they could see an eye peering out, sometimes what looked like a beak, but they could not be sure. It was making little squeaky noises now, and to Gonzo's ear it sounded distressed. He picked up a fragment of the shell and looked at it closely, then rolled it between a finger and thumb. Worried, he said to Camilla, "This is thicker than eggshells usually are. I think the baby needs help."
She peered at it, then pecked it. It didn't break. He was right. She told him,
We always let our chicks break out of their eggs without help, but chickens don't have hands. Go ahead, but be careful!
"Yeah," he said. He thought for a moment, glancing around the room. Then he went over and opened his guitar case. He opened it and selected something, then returned with a guitar pick. The plastic triangle was rounded, no sharp edges or angles anywhere. "How about this?"
Camilla nodded her approval. He knelt bent over the egg and waited until the eye moved away from the hole, carefully inserted the pick, then pulled outward, breaking off a small fragment of shell. It took more effort than he had expected.
**
The next act—a set of dancing monsters and otherworldly creatures who danced and provided their own music via horns in their heads—was performing in front of the closed curtains, giving them time to remove the tables and chairs and set up for the Electric Mayhem. Rowlf was hanging out behind the wings. When Dr. Teeth passed by he said, "Prepare to have your mind blown, my good dog."
Rowlf answered, "Don't tell me how good you are. Get out there and show me."
Floyd, carrying his electric guitar onstage, told Rowlf, "Man, either you're gonna love this or you're gonna hate it."
"Fer sure," Janice added.
"Can't argue with that," Rowlf replied, leaning back against the wall.
**
Carefully Gonzo widened the hole in the shell. The chick inside was squeaking and pressing its face against the hole as if eager to escape. Camilla watched anxiously. Eggs were not supposed to hatch this way! But Gonzo had the problem well in hand, pulling the shell outward toward himself to avoid pushing sharp edges at the chick.
Patiently he worked, murmuring under his breath to the chick, telling it it would be free soon. Holding the egg in his hand, he could feel its feet kicking against the shell. He enlarged the opening downward, bit by bit.
When the opening was an oval an inch long the shell suddenly cracked outward. Gonzo dropped the pick and held the egg in both hands. Another kick, and the shell split, showing a pink, clawless foot. Encouraged, the chick struggled some more, until the shell was fully broken, revealing a damp, startled-looking baby, lying on its back in the shell and panting with effort.
Carefully he removed the shell. None of it stuck to the... it wasn't quite a chick, but it didn't look exactly like one of Gonzo's kind either. Its wet fur or feathers—they could not tell which—were plastered to its body. And its beak... after a moment's pause Gonzo grinned and said, "Well, will you look at
that."
Quietly Camilla clucked,
Give her to me. I need to keep her warm until she dries.
"Her." Gonzo said as he set the chick gently back in the nest. Camilla settled over her, fluffing out her feathers to warm the chick without smothering her.
**
The red curtains opened on the Electric Mayhem. Dr. Teeth said, "Musicians have been rocking out since time began. Groove ain't no new thing. So let the Electric Mayhem take you back to the year 1798, to rock out with the force of nature that was Ludwig Von." He raised his hands as if to begin playing, then stopped himself. The others looked over at him. "Wait a minute, almost forgot." He reached down, then set Rowlf's candelabra on top of his electric keyboard. Then, with no further preamble, the Electric Mayhem launched into its version of Beethoven's
Piano Sonata No. 8 in C minor, Op. 13, third movement.
Rowlf closed his eyes and listened. The Mayhem played the major motifs of the piece, transforming them into rock music. After the introduction, which stated the major theme, Zoot played a passage on his sax, and then Janice took up a more elaborate section on the electric guitar. Rowlf thought to himself that he could visualize that part played by violins. The next part was played by Dr. Teeth, his fingers fluttering over the keyboard as fast as Rowlf's ever had, coming down hard on chords to add more force. Then they returned to the major motif with renewed vigor, animal roaring with the cymbal clashes.
When they finished and the curtains closed, Rowlf met Dr. Teeth in the wings. "I'm speechless."
"There is no need for eloquent elocution. Did we meet with your learned approval?" Dr. Teeth said, clearly very pleased with himself.
"You didn't play that piece, you wrestled it into submission."
"Au contraire, we fed it raw meat and then unleashed it on an unsuspecting world."
"RAW MEAT?" Animal shouted, looking around eagerly.
"After the show, Animal," Floyd said.
Grinning, Rowlf said, "You win, Doc. Beethoven may be spinning in his grave, but this round goes to you."
"So glad to hear it. Now, let us discuss how you will fulfil your end of this agreement." He put a serpentine arm around Rowlf's shoulders. "Never let it be said that the good Doctor would be so cruel as to inflict something on a fellow keyboard aficionado that he would not play himself." With a flourish he produced some paper and handed it to Rowlf.
It was handwritten sheet music. Rowlf scanned the first few bars, then looked at Teeth. "You're kidding."
Dr. Teeth answered with his signature golden grin.
**
Several sketches, a song, a disaster, and intermittent bursts of heckling later, the show was finished. The performers, still high from the applause, congratulated each other as they moved the sets and props back into place for the next show. Kermit waded through the madness to the upstairs dressing rooms and rapped on a door. "Gonzo? Are you all right?"
After a few seconds Gonzo came to the door, still in his stunt costume. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "Is the show over already?"
"Yeah. You missed the bows. That's not like you."
"Oh, uh, sorry about that. I forgot. Um, we'll be down in a second."
Gonzo forgot to take his bows? Kermit couldn't think of anything that would distract him from that, even a head injury. He went back downstairs.
A few minutes later the couple came down the stairs. Gonzo, once again in street clothes, was smiling oddly and holding his costume against his chest. Scooter saw him and said, "Are you all right? Should we swing by the hospital on the way back?"
"Nah, I'm good," Gonzo replied as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "Sorry I flaked out on the rest of the show. It won't happen again. This is what happened." He opened his hands, revealing the fluff-covered baby within.
"Oh! He was born during the show!" Scooter exclaimed.
"She. Her name is Billie. And, actually, she was hatched," Gonzo replied, grinning widely now.
The Muppets closest by, hearing this, came close to look. The other hens flocked out of nowhere to peer eagerly at the latest addition to their number. Proudly Gonzo showed them the hatchling, who stared back with big, wondering eyes. She was swaddled in the yellow cape from his costume.
Softly Kermit said, "She's beautiful."
"I thought you'd like the color." Gonzo replied. From a distance, she looked green. Looking closer, one could see that her feathers were bicolored, the yellow of a chick with blue toward the tips.
Pepe remarked, "She looks like a parrot, okay."
Gonzo was ready for that remark, and was not offended by Pepe's typical tactlessness; she
did look like a parrot. He answered cheerfully, "Or like a chicken with a long beak that turns down at the end?"
Rowlf patted Gonzo's back. "Congratulations, you two. Three."
"Thanks. Heh, seems like everything wonderful in my life has happened right here, huh?" Camilla clucked, and Gonzo said, "Well, okay. Not
that."
Kermit had a feeling that that remark was best left untranslated. He said, "Come on, let's get back home. We have a big day tomorrow."
**
On the ride home in the Mayhem's bus everyone got a chance to look at Billie, who, unimpressed at being the center of attention, fell asleep soon after the vehicle started. Camilla clucked to Gonzo, then pointed with her beak. He glanced over and saw Miss Piggy. She quickly looked away.
He went over and said, "I'm sorry I missed your act. I was really looking forward to it."
"Never mind, I understand," she replied, glancing at Billie and then away again.
Oh. Gonzo had noticed that she had not come over to see Billie, but every time he saw her she had been looking at her from a distance. Camilla must have noticed it too. "Would you like to hold her?" he asked.
"No, no thank you. It's so kind of you to offer," she said.
"Moi is a little
fatigué at the moment."
She was speaking in that familiar singsong, stagey tone. Gonzo never quite understood what that meant. He said, "All right," and went back to Camilla.
**
Camilla and Gonzo went to their room as soon as they got home; it had been a draining day for them. Then they remembered that they had left Camilla's nest box at the theater. Before he could get worried about that she asked him to bring her a clean towel. He did, and she bunched that up into an improvised nest. He took Billie out of his cape and put her in; Camilla settled over her so that her head peeped out from Camilla's feathers.
Gonzo changed into his nightclothes, then lay down on the mattress on the floor and stroked Billie's head lightly with his fingertips. He said, "Camilla, I'm glad I was wrong. About what I first thought about the egg, I mean. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."
She clucked softly,
I forgave you long ago. And I'm glad you told me the truth about the most important thing.
"What thing is that?" he asked.
You told me you'd be ready by the time the egg hatched.
He smiled to her. "Yeah," was all he could say. Instead of turning the lights out, he looked at Billie, who was asleep again. He thought that he could sit there and just watch her breathe until morning. She had been an unexpected gift. Somewhere he had heard that unexpected gifts were the best kind. Now, he thought, he truly understood.
*****
All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. The lyrics to "Why Don't You Do Right" were written by Kansas Joe McCoy. Copyrighted properties are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.
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Awwww! Billie finally hatched! ^^ Adorable chapter! *does a little dance*