Fic: Muppets from Earth

[Gelfling Girl]

Oh, now you're just being silly.</JohnCleese>

Technically, that was Michael Frith being silly. I'm not quite that crazy. Insanity, on the other hand, is a different story...

 

[Slackbot]

The Count: I wish there were summaries on the library page so each title wouldn't be like a book with a blank cover. That'd be a big task to expect one person to do, though. If authors provide you with short summaries, would you be willing to post them?

The general forum rules honestly aren't clear to me, so I went through the archive to see what others had been able to get away with. When I read "Spring Chicken" I knew that I was safe with Gonzo and Camilla indulging in snugglebunnies, heh heh. And I found references to other characters having "oopses," so the premise was safe. There are other elements I'm sure step outside the boundaries, but those stories won't be posted here.

Gelfling Girl: I first read that as "Inanity, on the other hand, is a different story..."

WhiteRabbit: I was surprised that Sam actually was fun to write. I don't particularly like Sam--bigots really rub me the wrong way--but once I got into it he became interesting. I don't plan to do a series on his love life, though. Unless... well, Camilla's egg hasn't hatched yet...

 

[The Count]

Yeah, summaries could be added if the authors provide it, but I'll leave that as an optional request.
Heh, yeah, Spring Chicken... You wouldn't believe the inspiration for that. Nervous laugh.
And just ask if you have a question about something, that's the best way to learn/find out.

 

[Gelfling Girl]

Gelfling Girl: I first read that as "Inanity, on the other hand, is a different story..."

*laughs insanely* Two of my friends and I are just about the most insane trio of kids south of Arkansas...And proud of it too!

 

[Slackbot]

The Count: I'll write summaries of my stories. Should I post in that thread or PM them? As for the inspiration for "Spring Chicken," my guess was that it was simply a way of giving Gonzo the best of both worlds. He'd never look at Big Bird again, especially if he can get a supply of those capsules for, heh, special occasions. B'gark!

WhiteRabbit: Well, Sam IS the only male bird at the boardinghouse... wait, there are the penguins, but somehow they don't seem to be Camilla's type. Then again, neither does Sam. Sam doesn't seem to be anybody's type.

Gelfling Girl: Wave your freak flag proudly!

 

[The Count]

Hi Kim. Just send me the summaries and I'll attach them where they go to make it keep some semblance of sense.
And er no, but if you want to know, PM me and I'll dish.

 

[Slackbot]

Hey, lookee that pretty red envelope. To celebrate the redness, here's another chapter of

Muppets from Earth
Part 10: Living Dangerously
​

*****

It was a calm, warm day. It was a day thus far uncomplicated by depositions, upsetting tabloid articles, or other intrusions into the private lives of the Muppets. Camilla had been called in several more times after her first deposition, now that they had finally proven her ability to communicate. Those sessions, with their repetitious questions, tried her patience, but she understood that there was no avoiding them if she didn't want to be considered livestock. Hopefully her part and Gonzo's was over with now.

Another thing currently trying her patience was the egg. Chicken eggs usually hatched after three weeks. It had been more than a month since she had laid this one. If it had been an ordinary egg she would have given up hope, but she could hear a heartbeat within. Gonzo thought it would hatch soon, as candling showed that the chick had filled the shell. She was ready for that; she wanted to see her child!

Gonzo entered the balcony. He was wearing one of his old stage costumes, a yellow jumpsuit, and carrying a matching helmet under his arm. "Hi, Camilla! Any news?" he asked hopefully.

She shook her head. A little disappointed, he said, "Oh."

She asked him the same question. He answered, "Nothing yet. The lawyers are fighting it out among themselves now. All we can do is wait." At her dissatisfied grumble he sat by her and put an arm around her. "Don't worry, babe. I'm sure they'll win. Maybe not before the egg hatches, but it doesn't matter if we miss by a few days. It'll grow up in a real family."

"Awww," she said, and looked up at him.

Because of the configuration of their faces—Camilla had a beak, and Gonzo's nose effectively chaperoned his mouth—a casual kiss was not possible for them. It was either all, an act which could be mistaken for a spirited attempt at mouth-to-beak resuscitation, or nothing.

They kissed.

*

At the theater, Kermit was condensing his notes regarding the acts for the upcoming show. He had at least twice as many acts listed as he could possibly fit into one show. That was no surprise; everyone was using long-pent-up creative energy. Now that they had an outlet, the boarding house was noticeably calmer. When they returnedto doing a regular show, and thus went back on a regular payroll, the Muppets would no longer need the boarding house, but so far nobody seemed inclined to move out. Kermit was happy with that. They were one big, crowded, chaotic family, which to a frog with thousands of brothers and sisters was just like home.

Kermit would have to decide which acts would be in the next show. It wouldn't be difficult to whittle this list down; what didn't go on this week would be available the next, and he always had an act or two on standby in case someone canceled out due to injury, illness, or a sudden attack of sanity.

Piggy would have to have a number. She really was almost as big a star as she believed herself to be, and Kermit did not want to emcee the show while mottled with bruises. If Fozzie didn't have a monologue ready, there were comedy sketches he would do fine in. The Electric Mayhem had been rehearsing every day. What they were rehearsing Kermit had no idea, as they were using headphones instead of speakers, so Kermit could only hear Animal's drums and occasional sax and trumpet passages. He could also hear the vocal exercises Miss Piggy was doing in her dressing room. The two made a very strange combination.

Sam the Eagle looked out at the stage, where the Electric Mayhem had set up their instruments. He told Kermit, "They are practicing in secret. I don't like it."

"You wouldn't like it if they were playing normally, either," Kermit responded.

"But they are concealing something. As the guardian of the dignity and moral fiber of this show, I cannot approve of their act if I can't hear it!"

Kermit shrugged. "They're just practicing. Don't worry, Sam. We'll hear it soon enough."

"Hmm," Sam said disapprovingly, then went off to supervise something else.

Hearing the back alley door open, Kermit glanced back. It was Gonzo, wearing one of his old stunt costumes. Kermit gave a little wave. Gonzo came over and asked, "What do you think?"

Guessing that Gonzo meant the costume, he answered, "It's kind of seventies, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I wanna get Wardrobe to alter it a little, take off the collar, maybe dye it red."

"Go for it," Kermit told him.

Gonzo was starting up the stairs that led to the dressing room when Beauregard intercepted him. "Gonzo, I found your cannon."

Gonzo turned back. "Yeah, I saw it's already backstage left. Thanks."

"What about the one in the boiler room?"

Perplexed, Gonzo went with Beauregard to the basement. There, against one wall, was a twin to Gonzo's cannon. After a moment he guessed where it must have come from, and looked around the other side. Sure enough, under the dust was a logo that looked like a winged pickle. "This is The Flying Zucchini Brothers' cannon. It must have been down here for years." The dust on the cannon was thick enough to plant grass seeds in.

"Oh, sorry," Beauregard said.

Bo was turning to leave when Gonzo, his eyes fixed on the cannon, held up a hand. "Wait a minute..."

*

Kermit was only momentarily startled when he heard Gonzo shriek "Eureka!" from the bowels of the theater. A moment later Gonzo pelted up the stairs, yelling "Sweetums!"

Scooter came in. He wasn't carrying any newspapers. Kermit hoped that was a good sign. "Find anything today, Scooter?"

Scooter had been keeping an eye on the tabloids, in case there was anything they had to deal with in a manner other than ignoring it. He shook his head. "Not much today. Just the usual junk. Well, there was one that made me kinda wonder."

'The usual junk' lately had included groundless, sensationalistic speculations on Muppets' personal lives, with Gonzo taking the brunt of it, Kermit and Miss Piggy a distant second. Anyone with half a brain could tell that those articles were pure fiction, as the 'writers' had no way of knowing the 'facts' they 'reported.' They would be forgotten tomorrow anyway, so the best thing to do was to ignore them. However... "What was that one?"

As the huge Monster named Sweetums lumbered after Gonzo down the stairs Scooter took a piece of newsprint out of his pocket and handed it over. Kermit opened it. The headline THE MUPPETS: SEX AND VIOLENCE jumped out at him. He sighed, "Sheesh."

It's not as bad as it sounds, actually," Scooter said.

Kermit read on. The writer accused the Muppets of promoting violence in their show, citing many explosions, apparent devourings, and other forms of mayhem that they regularly inflicted on each other during the course of their show. There was no mention of sex in the article, Kermit noticed. That was just in the headline to make it grabbier, of course. He said, "Don't worry about this. Once in a while articles like this pop up, and they never come to anything."

"There is one other thing," Scooter said in a low voice. "I don't think I should show it to you here, though... "

"In my office, then."

As they went up the stairs, Sweetums and Beauregard came back through, pushing a very dusty cannon toward the wings and sneezing. Gonzo followed them, practically vibrating with excitement.

*

Kermit closed the door to his dressing room, which doubled as his office. "Now, what is it, Scooter?"

Scooter said, "The Daily Scandal printed another article, and, well, you have to see it to believe it." He took a tightly folded piece of paper out of his jeans pocket.

Kermit unfolded it. It took a few minutes; Scooter had folded a full page down to the size of a sweetener packet. When Kermit saw it all he understood why. It was mostly photos, with the headline PORKY PRINCESS' BEAUTY SECRETS. The photos were amateurishly doctored to make it appear that Miss Piggy had had liposuction, face- and eye-lifts, botox, and a snout job. Kermit read through it, looked at the pictures again, then burst out laughing. Nobody who knew Piggy personally would ever accuse her of having liposuction, and you'd have to be half blind to be fooled by those pictures.

Scooter waited until Kermit had brought himself under control again. Kermit said, "This proves Miss Piggy's kept her promise not to feed The Daily Scandal any more information on us. They'd never print anything like this if they had any hope of getting anything from her."

"Yeah. But if she sees it... " Scooter said uneasily.

"I'll destroy this one."

"Can it really have blown over this fast?" Scooter wondered. "I mean, one day everyone's got something to say about Gonzo and Camilla. A few days later, nothing."

"Their attention span for scandal is very short," Kermit said. And, he suspected, Porque and Beanes are very quick with a Cease and Desist order.

*

When Kermit came down the stairs he saw Gonzo in the right wing, cleaning out the Flying Zucchini Brothers' old cannon. Curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "What are you doing with that?"

"All in good time, Kermit, all in good time!" Gonzo replied happily.

Kermit decided not to pursue the matter. When Gonzo slipped into one of his 'creative states' it was best to get out of blast radius and leave him to it. "Have fun, then."

"Oh, I will!" Gonzo answered with a manic grin, then tugged the breech open to inspect the fuse tube from inside.

*****

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Congrats on surpassing the two-page mark with this story.

The red envelope thing confused me, it's not Chinese New Year is it?
Would Kermit's office/dressing room be the door just to the side of the backstage's main staircase? I'm going by the Palisades playset, which has that and the two dressing room doors along the second floor's backwall.
Yes Scooter... The news cycle is short-attention spanned at best. Everybody's got an opinion, but nothing much of substance today. And then tomorrow it's on to the newest scandal that gets everyone riled up with the same inane indignity as the day before. Reminds you of the song that three-legged Screaming Thing sang on the Don Knotts episode, since you're referencing the FZB's.
At least there's one small shred of homework, even if unintentional. Too bad that reporter didn't do any research or they've found that Sex and Violence has indeed been done before by the Muppets.

A great chapter, please post more when you can.

 

[Slackbot]

What two-page mark? This be page 5. The red envelope is the icon beside the thread title. It changed from blue to red when it hit 1000 views.

I'm not sure where Kermit's dressing room is. I couldn't find any consistent treatment on the show; one week a room would be Miss Piggy's, the next it'd be a guest star's, and so on. So, I don't try to figure it out. I think the has Tardis dressing rooms, otherwise it'd have to have many stories to accommodate all the Muppets.

FZBs? Fazebooks?

I'm aware of the Sex and Violence pilot. In fact, I have a clear memory of watching it when it originally aired when I was in a child care center. I recall the gordian knot wrestling match and Nigel playing checkers with Sam especially most of all. (Why a chess match stuck in my mind and the those weird Seven Deadly Sins didn't I'll never know.) Since I like to sneak in-jokes into my stories, it was inevitable I'd use that title as a tabloid headline.

BTW, the first article was inspired by an editorial I remember hearing on the TV news around the time the first season of The Muppet Show was finishing up. There was some story about violence in action-y TV shows, if such things should be on while the kiddies were still awake. One viewer wrote in saying that that was not the problem; what was more insidious was how children's shows were spoon-feeding violence to their wee innocent ones. She cites TMS as the worst of the lot, describing how one show featured creatures eating each other and then vomiting each other out. (Never Smile at a Crocodile.)

 

[The Count]

Yeah...

1 Two-page, sorry, that's my settings since I have threads to display 30 posts per page. You may have it on the default 15 posts per page setting though, which is perfectly fine if that's how you prefer it to be.
2 Didn't know about the envelope icon... Blind batty eyes and all.
3 Hmm... I usually treat the two doors on the backstage's second floor as Piggy's being the one with the glittering star and the guest star's the other one next to hers.
4 Never Smile At A Crocodile was that woman's chief cited point of Muppet devourings/regurgitations/survivals? Guess she never made it to the Vincent Price episode from the same season with the guest panel featuring Vincent, Kermit, Pierre LaCousse, and Gorgon Heap.
5 Yep, Sex and Violence was a great crazy sort of pilot for the Muppets. Got memories of that too. **** the salami torpedoes!
*Fires missile from sub sandwich at
6 FZB's: Flying Zucchini Brothers.