Fic: Muppets from Earth

[Slackbot]

Oops. I should have recognized FZB as Flying Zucchini Brothers.

This may be an odd question, but when you've visited my website, did you find it easy to navigate? I had a visually impaired roommate in college, and years later she clued me in on ways to make websites accessible to people with various degrees of blindness. Text links, descriptive ALT tags, etc. I think I did it up well, but I still experience it visually.

Now to go back to picking out good dance music... I am so tempted to give Camilla and Gonzo a certain Tom Lehrer song.

 

[The Count]

Yes, I was able to navigate your site okay. Then again, I mostly only went to the fic section. Once there I was able to tell the art apart from the stories cause the art was a non-readable page. I would advise putting stories chronologically though, for example the story where Essobee (SP?) arrives in the future settlement of Marius and Morgana should be listed before Fire and Ice where he has to clean up the magic hotspot, not after. Also, I was confused as to why the story where he's killed his daughter has a Part 2 but no actual story past that heading.

Tom Lehr huh? Thought of the SN song?

 

[Slackbot]

Actually, the stories are in chronological order in a manner of speaking, in that they are in the order I wrote them. However, I can see how it might confuse, as I do skip back and forth between the several timelines I work with. As for Ess killing his daughter... er, which story do you mean?

I don't know which Tom Lehrer song would be SN. The one I'm sorely tempted to use is MT.

 

[The Count]

Okay, just checked, it's Pity the Child that has a "Part 2 heading with no story after that.
SN Song from The Electric Company is the one that airs here on MCR that opens like this...

Like a lion loves his den.
Like a rooster loves a hen.
Like Barbie loves Ken.
I love to do things that begin with SN.

 

[Slackbot]

That's really strange. I'm seeing Part 2 of PTC just fine. The link is at the bottom of Part 1. Part 2 It begins with "It was a cold, clear night. The stars, freed for now from the aurora which often fanned across the sky, cast a thin light over the snow-covered glacier." Is that the part that you aren't seeing?

The Tom Lehrer song I was thinking was a tango. I can just see Gonzo and Camilla performing it with tongue-in-cheek earnestness. I've been thinking about other music for the wedding (SPOILER: Yeah, they'll get hitched, you didn't think I was gonna put 'em through all this grief with no payoff, didja?) and I think Sam the Eagle will approve of the music for the recessional, providing someone tells him its title. Everyone else will like it for a reason that is completely different.

I've been firming up my overall outline, and unless I do some last-minute adding or compressing, the story will run 17 chapters, not including extras. Not exactly epic, but I won't run out of steam and keep you waiting for months either.

 

[The Count]

Yep, that's what I haven't been able to read from PTC.

Tango huh? Last night on MCR I heard a CH-based cha-cha that was a bit short, but Electric Company songs are like that. Other songs in that vein from Muppetdom are:
Bear Cha-Cha-Cha,
Mambo I-I-I,
Mango Tango sung by Telly and Rosita,
Kermambo, or
The Trashcan Tango.

I've got three of them I could send, you'd have to ask for the others at the MUP3 thread in B/S/T. Hope this helps.

 

[Slackbot]

Heh heh, I've already selected a specific tango by Tom Lehrer for them. It's too perfect for that pair not to use.

And now, to commemorate the fact that I feel like it, here's a snippet from Part 11...

**

When Gonzo went down into the boarding house basement, which was the current home of Muppet Labs, he was struck by how orderly it looked. Usually there was some sign of activity, sparking wires or overturned shelves or scattered paper. Instead, it was neat and clean. Then he saw what looked like a hot water bottle hooked up to a pair of cables on a lab table. Curious, he went up to get a closer look.

He had time to see that it was not a hot water bottle—it was too small, and the shape was wrong, circular instead of rectangular—before there was a flash and a bang, and he was thrown back against the cinderblock wall.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker emerged from behind a metal shield. Bunsen looked at the rubber device critically. Beaker saw Gonzo slumped against the wall, and, squeaking, helped him to his feet.

"Oh, darn it. This one tore too," Bunsen said. Beaker meeped at him, and Bunsen noticed Gonzo. "Oh, hello, Gonzo. Did you come to get a close-up look at my new invention?"

**

I've waited too long to write a decent scene for Muppet Labs.

 

[The Count]

And yet, it's perfectly in keeping with the brand of oblivious chaos we've come to expect from those scientists. Thanks.
*Scurries away.

 

[Slackbot]

I don't normally incorporate ideas that others suggest into my stories, but I reserve the right to do so if... well, if I feel like it, okay?

So have fun with this comic relief chapter of...

Muppets from Earth
Part 11: Inspiration​

*****

Backstage at the Muppet Theater, Kermit the Frog heard a thud and felt the floor vibrate as something heavy was dropped by his desk. Gonzo said, "Kermit, I've got some great ideas for my act!"

"What are they?" Kermit looked up from his notes; he knew from experience that he'd better give Gonzo's pitches his full attention, or risk finding that he'd agreed to something he would regret later.

"Picture this," Gonzo began. "A set of ramps, one at the head of the left aisle, the other front and center stage. I ride a motorcycle down the aisle, leap onto the stage, make a hairpin turn, accelerate up the second ramp, and land in the balcony!"

Kermit replied patiently, "We still can't get insurance for motorcycle stunts within the theater house."

"Okay, how about something cultural. Bach's Toccatta and Fugue in D Minor, played on a seven-octave Muppaphone!"

"Seven octaves?" Kermit asked.

"Yeah. I know there aren't that many Muppaphones, but we could fill it out with the rest of the cast. I've been practicing my B above middle C." He 'sang' that note at the top of his lungs to demonstrate his readiness.

Kermit flinched, then replied, "The problem with that is we aren't all stuntmen. You may like getting hit on the head, but the rest of the cast doesn't."

"Not even for art?"

"Sorry, nope.

"Then I can do an act with trained mold."

Kermit's patience was wearing thin. "Gonzo! Even if an audience wanted to see trained mold, you got rid of your mold years ago and there isn't time to grow more before the show!"

"Maybe for the show after next? I can grow mold fast." Gonzo said hopefully.

Kermit felt his nerves fraying as they spoke. "No! Gonzo, I don't have time for this. I have a whole show to plan!"

"Okay. Just let me run one more idea past you. One more?"

"Okay. I will listen to one more." And then he would probably pitch a yelling, arm-waving fit.

"I found the Flying Zucchini Brothers' cannon. Now I have two cannons to launch myself out of-"

"Problem. There's only one of you. You're not planning on shooting a chicken out of the other one, are you?"

"Of course not! That'd be ridiculous. Chickens aren't aerodynamic. Imagine this. I put collars around the muzzles of both cannons. They're facing each other, tilted up. And they fire me back and forth to the tune of the 1812 Overture! Safe for the audience, exciting, and enlightening! Is that a keeper or what?"

Kermit said in disbelief, "Back and forth?"

"Yeah! One launches me into the air, I come down into the other, back and forth! That's what the collar's for. It'll be like a funnel, so I can't miss. Da da dah da da da dah da da daaah, BOOM!" His hand described an arc in the air.

"How'll you reload the cannons?"

"They're muzzle loaders, so in between shots my Lovely Assistants will throw charges in. I'll tamp 'em down myself when I fall in the barrels."

"If you were anyone else I'd ask if you were crazy."

"Shoot, Kermit, you know the answer to that."

"Yeah. Okay, Gonzo, if you can really pull this off, go for it."

"Thanks, Kermit!"

With some effort Gonzo picked up a bowling ball. Kermit looked at it curiously. "What's that for?"

"It weighs as much as I do. I use this to test fire the cannons. I'm gonna go work on blocking." Gonzo explained, and trotted off.

Sometimes Kermit wondered if Gonzo saved up bizarre ideas to soften him up before hitting him with the act he really wanted to do. He could find out by agreeing to one of those... but, knowing Gonzo, he'd cheerfully go through with it anyway. Kermit went back to his list and enjoyed a few more moments of relative quiet before the next interruption. Miss Piggy breezed up to him, put a hand gently on his back, and said, "Kermie."

He looked up. "Yes, Piggy?"

"I have decided to change the song I planned for my act. Mein Herr isn't as workable as I had expected."

"Oh? Why?"

"We simply won't have the time to get it properly rehearsed and make the costumes. Perhaps another week," she said.

Miss Piggy's original plan had been to have herself as the lead singer, with four dancers backing her up. He had approved slight revisions to the lyrics, and trusted her to adjust the choreography accordingly. He had thought it would be a difficult number for her to pull off, but if she succeeded it would look great. "That's okay, Piggy, maybe later when we have more time to do it right."

"Exactemente. In the meantime, I already have a replacement act ready."

That did not surprise him. "Will it be ready in time for the show? It's less than a week away?"

She smiled and gave him a smoky look. "Of course. It is a torch song. All I need is a dress and a microphone and I'll be ready."

"What's the song?"

She paused, then said, "Why don't I show you?"

"Er... all right."

She led him into her dressing room and seated him at her makeup table. She disappeared behind a folding screen, then popped her head out and said, "No peeking!"

"I promise."

Kermit waited for several minutes as Piggy, with muffled sounds of great effort, changed into something less comfortable. When she stepped out she was dressed in a strapless, skintight black dress with matching elbow-length gloves and high heels. Whatever she had had such difficulty putting on under the dress, Kermit had to admit that it was doing its job.

Wow.

She smiled, pleased by his reaction. "Imagine this, but in red," she said, gesturing at her clothing. Then she stepped forward and began to sing.

*

It was a quiet evening. Well, it would be once the ringing in Gonzo's ears faded. He had had a good evening of test-firing the cannons, working out the exact angle to place them so that, when fired from one, he would land in the other, more or less.

When Camilla saw him, he looked a little dazed and smelled of gunpowder. She clucked a question. He answered, "Yep, he bought the double-cannon act! I've been working on the blocking." She clucked again. "Well, yeah, once. You couldn't expect me not to, could you? I used the net." He hadn't landed in the net, but he had used it. "I hope you'll be a part of it. It'd be weird, not having you in the act."

She answered. He said, "Yeah, I know." It would depend on when the egg hatched. "Anything yet?"

She shook her head and stood, revealing the egg. He picked it up—it was warm and heavy in his hands—and, cradling it gently, put it to his ear. The tinnitus interfered a little, but he could still hear the soft tick of a heartbeat within.

Camilla watched his face. She loved to see the gentle look that he got at these moments. Early on she had worried that he would not be able to handle fatherhood, that he would be too afraid. She had no doubts now.

He looked at the creamy shell, stroking it with the fingertips of one hand. It's hard to believe that there's another life in there, just a thin eggshell between it and the world, he thought. He looked carefully as he touched the shell, hoping to find any evidence of pipping. The shell was smooth and unmarred. He placed it carefully in the nest—there was no point in candling it, as they would not see anything—and said, "Soon."

She nodded and clucked. He said, "Yeah. But, um, first I gotta see Bunsen. Be back in a minute, okay?"

*

When Gonzo went down into the boarding house basement, which was the current home of Muppet Labs, he was struck by how orderly it looked. Usually there was some sign of activity, sparking wires or overturned shelves or scattered paper. Instead, it was neat and clean. Then he saw what looked like a hot water bottle hooked up to a pair of cables on a lab table. Curious, he went up to get a closer look.

He had time to see that it was not a hot water bottle—it was too small, and the shape was wrong, circular instead of rectangular—before there was a flash and a bang, and he was thrown back against the cinderblock wall.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker emerged from behind a metal shield. Bunsen looked at the rubber device critically. Beaker saw Gonzo slumped against the wall, and, squeaking, helped him to his feet.

"Oh, darn it. This one tore too," Bunsen said. Beaker meeped at him, and Bunsen noticed Gonzo. "Oh, hello, Gonzo. Did you come for a close-up look at my new invention?"

Shaking off the daze, Gonzo said, "Kermit told me to talk to you. He didn't tell me to get a face full of... what is that?"

Bunsen held up the destroyed experiment. "I've been testing a new line of amusement devices. Unfortunately, the old mainstays of humor just don't cut it in this day and age. Beaker, please demonstrate." Beaker sighed, took an undamaged rubber device out of a box, blew it up so it looked like a small, flattened balloon, then placed it on a chair and sat on it. It made a rude noise. Beaker sighed again, shaking his head to indicate bored disappointment.

"You see? The practical jokes of yesteryear just aren't up to today's standards. We must push back the frontiers of humor as well as science. Therefore, I have been testing this whoopee cushion. Instead of relying on a mere puff of air, it employs a small, self-recycling explosive charge."

"Wow," was all Gonzo could think to say. That pretty well covered it.

"Yes indeed. Unfortunately, we can't seem to get the amount of charge right. Instead of making a humorous sound, the whoopee cushions keep exploding. We may need to make steel-belted rubber versions."

Something clicked in Gonzo's mind. "You said the explosive is recyclable?"

"Yes, we can use it over and over, as it does not destroy itself. Simply apply a minor electrical charge and the explosive element will, well, explode. I developed it especially for this device. It should be worth years of mirth once we perfect it."

An explosive charge that could be used over and over? That didn't need to be reloaded? "It must be my birthday," Gonzo breathed.

*****

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Your birthday Gonzo? Nah, trust me, that tenfold will be how you feel when the egg finally hatches.
*Chuckles at Kermit's reaction to idea-pitching from all the sources.
*Likes the inclusion of Muppet Labs in the boarding house's basement.
*Loves the Gonzo/Camilla interaction.
*Waits for more to be posted.