Fic: Muppets from Earth

[Slackbot]

*chuckles* No, the good Doctor's name is not Clyde. It's something that probably nobody would guess, but hardcore Muppet fans would probably slap me inna face with a fish for.

Don't worry, there'll be more for Rowlf and Dr. Teeth. But the next ep stars a certain blue, beaky twit...

 

[Gelfling Girl]

*chuckles* No, the good Doctor's name is not Clyde. It's something that probably nobody would guess, but hardcore Muppet fans would probably slap me inna face with a fish for.

Ooh...I love guessing games! Is it...Leon "Doctor" Eltonjohn Dontshoot (the Piano Player)?

...Yes, Meredith, that is my final answer *dorky grin*

 

[Slackbot]

Oh, now you're just being silly.</JohnCleese>

The name I have in mind is one he shares with at least two other Muppet characters. Or more, depending on how you count. His mother didn't name him after people who had not yet become famous by the time he-who-would-be-known-as-Dr.-Teeth was born. Or write his name on laundry tags, so no peeking in his wardrobe!

 

[Slackbot]

It's Friday the 13th! I just found out that it's 99% certain that my contract with the SEC will be renewed for another year, so to celebrate here's a big honkin' chapter of...​

Muppets from Earth
Part 9: Liberty and Justice​

*****​

It was a cheerful and sunny morning. The day began at the Muppets' boarding house with breakfast, as so many days did.

Kermit told Gonzo, "A deposition isn't something to be worried about. It's only an interview so they can get their facts straight. I've done 'em myself." Rowlf, Scooter, and Rizzo nodded agreement. Sam, stirring his coffee, did not comment.

"I know, I know," Gonzo said as he swirled his cereal with his spoon. It was Marshmallow Blobs, which he did not particularly like, but the only other option was Cap'n Alphabet, and he had sworn off for the duration. The problem with the depositions that he and Camilla would have to give today was that only he could translate for Camilla, and this whole mess had come about because The Powers That Be did not believe Gonzo's claim that she was a person rather than a pet.

Camilla, who had been sitting on the arm of Gonzo's chair and pecking at her breakfast, clucked worriedly. Gonzo put an arm around her. "Don't worry, babe. The worst that can happen is they might say we can't be married officially. If all else fails, there's common law."

Scooter said, "Er, sorry, but this state doesn't recognize common law marriage."

Gonzo could have glared at Scooter, but he knew the kid was trying to be helpful. He told her, "Still, whatever they say, they can't change us." She clucked, somewhat comforted, and rubbed her beak against his nose.

Miss Piggy burst through the front door, newsprint in hand. "Our first reviews are in. Page two," she sang out, and deposited a copy of The Daily Scandal on the table.

Though she had dropped it close to Gonzo, he did not reach for it. Kermit gingerly opened the paper. There was a stock photo of the Muppets—a fairly old one, Kermit noted—and another shot of Miss Piggy, which Kermit recognized as one from a recent photo shoot. He skimmed it first, then read out loud: "Who speaks for the dumb animals? The Muppets' own diva, Miss Piggy, has weighed in on this pressing matter.

"Recently the daredevil Gonzo the Great, also known as The Great Gonzo, and his life partner, Camilla Chicken, applied for a marriage license, which was denied because one of them is closer to human than the other. This reporter is not sure which is which, as one is unintelligible and the other is inexplicable, and in fact is not even from this planet."

"Ouch," Rowlf commented, surprised. "Will that count against him?"

Kermit replied, "I'm sure it won't. It's not like he's running for President."

Shocked, Sam the Eagle said to Gonzo, "Do you mean to say that you are not even an American citizen?"

"I think I am. Nobody ever said I wasn't," Gonzo said. "I pay taxes and vote, and they've called me before for jury duty. They're never picked me, though."

"Imagine that," Sam said flatly.

"Go on. Third paragraph," Miss Piggy urged.

Kermit read, "The Fabulous Miss Piggy declared, 'Gonzo and Camilla are such a loving couple, who could be so cruel as to tear them asunder? They should have every chance to enjoy the wedded joy that moi and Kermit are blessed with every day." Kermit looked over at Piggy in disbelief.

She said, "Everyone loves a timeless love story. Associating them with ours can only raise their esteem in the eyes of the publique."

"Eesh," Kermit said. He read on, "And, who knows, perhaps their children will be as adorable as... my and Kermit's will be? Piggy!"

"Well, perhaps that was a little much," she admitted. In her opinion, the only way those two could raise something adorable would be to adopt. She went into the kitchen.

Kermit thought as he scanned the rest of the article, he did not believe this... but by the time he got to the end he realized that it wasn't so bad. The rest of the article was mostly about Miss Piggy, the tireless, selfless crusader for the rights of her downtrodden associates, and star of the Muppet Theater, which was to open in less than two weeks. Kermit could tell that Scribbler wanted to stay on Piggy's good side, as this was less strident and fictional than the average Daily Scandal article, remarks about his and Piggy's relationship aside. That routine was nothing new, and Kermit would just blow that off the way he had all the other stories about them she had been planting for years. It could be much worse.

Then he glanced at the facing page, and it got much worse.

Quickly he closed the paper and folded it, then told Gonzo, "Look, I know that we can find a way to make them understand Camilla, and then they'll have no reason to deny you. And if they want character witnesses, they'll have a whole houseful of them!"

The others around the table—Rowlf, Kermit, Rizzo, Scooter, and even Sam—all agreed in their various ways. "Thanks, guys. Heh, it's funny, but... I'm scared. I'm actually scared," Gonzo admitted. "Firing myself out of a cannon, no problem. Jumping a motorcycle into a brick wall, let me at it! But this has me tied in knots."

"I'll come with you if you want," Kermit offered.

"Me too," Rowlf said.

"And me," said Scooter.

"Thanks, guys, but this is something Camilla and I have to face," Gonzo said. He pushed away from the table. He had not finished his cereal, but he knew that he was not going to be able to eat any more.

A pair of chickens fluttered down the stairs to see them off, clucking encouragement. Gonzo said, "Thanks, girls. We can use all the luck we can get."

After they left Kermit unfolded the paper and resumed reading. When Miss Piggy returned with her breakfast Kermit said, "Piggy."

"Yes, Kermie?"

He refolded the tabloid to show an article on the next page and held it up for her to see. She took it. Her eyes widened. By the time she was halfway through the article her face had flushed red. "What's the problem?" Rowlf asked.

Rizzo scurried around the table to read over Miss Piggy's elbow. As soon as he saw the headline he backed away. He did not want to be within striking distance. "WHAT?" Miss Piggy yelled, wrinkling the paper as her hands clenched into fists.

Kermit folded his arms and said, "Good going, Piggy. Involving The Daily Scandal was a great idea. It'll just make Gonzo's day when he reads that!"

The two chickens fluttered onto the arms of the chair next to Miss Piggy's, and were craning their necks to try to read the article in question. Miss Piggy flung it down on the table and exclaimed "I had nothing to do with this!"

"'A Concerned Citizen' wrote a response to the article that appears on the page right before it! Published on the same day! Where do you think they got the 'facts' they twisted around, huh?" Kermit said.

Miss Piggy, unable to speak, bolted from the room. The chickens had just made it through the first paragraph, and were already squawking in outrage.

Sam, already annoyed because he could not read the paper upside-down, said, "Ladies! Such shocking language! Stop that at once!" He reached for the paper.

There was sudden silence at the table. Kermit said, "You understood what they were saying?"

Eyes fixed on the article, distractedly Sam answered, "Of course. I am, after all, an Avian-American."

The others around the table exchanged glances. "You speak both chicken and English," Kermit stated.
Sam glanced up, saw everyone staring at him, and said, "What?"

"You could translate for Camilla!"

"What? Me? No, I refuse to get involved in these weird shenanigans!" Sam declared.

Rowlf said, "All they want is to get married. What's weird about that?"

Sam insisted, "Laws are enacted for very good reasons. They must have refused them for a valid cause."

Rowlf stood up and said over the following hubbub. "Hey, everybody, we're not going to get anywhere by yelling. Calm down." He held his hands out, palms down, and gestured downward. Surprisingly, the noise did die down appreciably. He continued, "We can't force Sam to help. That'd be taking away his freedom of choice, and that's un-American."

"Hmm?" Sam said, surprised to find support from this unexpected source. "Yes, yes, absolutely right."

Rowlf continued, "In fact Sam here is our authority on all things proper for an American citizen."

"Somebody has to be," said the eagle.

Rowlf turned to Sam. "In fact, I've been meaning to ask you to help me with something. A while ago you suggested beginning the show with the Pledge of Allegiance. The problem with that is that everyone knows the words, but how many understand what it really means? It wouldn't do any good if everyone was just parroting it. Er, no offense to birds."

"None taken," Sam answered.

"So, would you explain it to me?"

Startled, Sam asked, "Do you mean that?

"Yeah. I think we all need to know it better."

"All right," Sam said. "Right now?"

"No better time than the present."

Everyone else watched, nonplussed, as Sam and Rowlf stood. Sam glanced around, then said, "I'll get a flag. Wait here." He left the dining room. Before the others could ask Rowlf anything Sam had returned with the flag that had been mounted beside the front door. He stood it in one corner of the room, where it hung limply. Sam said, "Stand at attention and place your right hand over your heart." Both he and Rowlf did so. Sam looked around the dining room, Scooter was the only one who had placed his hand on his chest. Sam glared disapprovingly at the others, then turned back to the flag. In a strong voice he said, "Repeat after me. 'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America-'"

Rowlf interrupted, "To the flag? This flag here?" He pointed at the faded cloth.

"Not to that particular flag. To the ideal of The American Flag," Sam answered. "To the perfect flag that waves within the heart of every American."

"Okay, gotcha. Go on," Rowlf said.

Sam continued, "And to the Republic for which it stands-"

"What's a republic? America's a democracy, isn't it?"

Sam replied impatiently. "A republic is a democracy. Same thing."

"Oh, OK, Sorry."

"One nation, under God, indivisible-"

"Indivisible. Indivisible from what?"

Sam said in exasperation, "What do you mean, from what?"

"Indivisible means that something can't be divided. What would the United States be divided from?"

"From itself, of course! America will never be sundered!"

"Oh, you mean like the Civil War?"

"Yes, something like that."

Scooter piped up. "I think it means that the fifty states that make up the nation will never be separated. All for one and one for all."

"Exactly! Well done, Scooter!" Sam answered. "May we continue?"

"Sure. Sorry about the interruptions. Hope they're not a problem."

"Not at all. Now, where was I?"

"One nation, under God, indivisible-"

"Yes! With liberty and justice for all."

"For everyone? No exceptions?" Rowlf asked.

"None! That is what makes our nation great!"

Rowlf scratched his head thoughtfully. "Liberty and justice. Justice I understand, but liberty is a toughie."

Sam replied, "Liberty is freedom, of course! What every American basks in."

Rowlf nodded. "Okay, I think I get it. The Pledge of Allegiance is about loyalty to the American way?"

"Yes! That's it," Sam said, pleased.

Scooter said, "And the American Way is loyalty. Always hanging together. Never letting anyone split you apart."

"All for one, one for all," Rizzo added.

"Finally, you understand!" Sam exulted.

Rowlf added, "In the name of liberty and justice."

"Truth, justice, and the American Way, yes."

Kermit joined in. "And it's every American's duty to uphold liberty and justice, isn't it?"

"Of course it is. Our nation was not made great by namby-pamby, pinko ne'er-do-wells."

Thoughtfully Rowlf said, "Kinda makes you think, huh? We're really lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of this great nation, to be able to support liberty and justice instead of letting a king or some other kind of bureaucrat decide what's best for us without giving us a say in it. Don't you agree, guys?"

Everyone else in the room agreed. Overcome with emotion, Sam said, "At last, you all understand! How I have longed for this day!"

Kermit said, "And you're luckiest of us all, Sam. You have the opportunity to uphold liberty and justice this very day-"

"I do so every day! Being a model American requires never-ending vigilance."

"-by going down and translating for Camilla."

Sam stopped and stared at Kermit.

Rowlf said, "Justice is for everybody, isn't it?"

Scooter chimed in, "We Muppets have always stood together. Indivisible."

Kermit said in a low voice, "You're the only one who can do this. Nobody else can understand chicken."

Sam covered his eyes with one hand. He just realized how neatly he had been trapped with his own words. "Very well," he murmured.

"All right, Sam! We knew you wouldn't fail us," Rowlf said cheerfully.

"I'll go with you," Kermit said, and shepherded the reluctant eagle out the front door. Before he closed the door behind himself he said, "And get rid of that paper!"

"Gotcha, chief," Scooter said, picking the tabloid up. It wouldn't be enough just to throw it in the trash; someone might find it, especially with the headline 'ANIMAL HUSBANDRY' in letters big enough to see across the room. The article accused Gonzo of unsavory and illegal practices and called the morality of all of the Muppets into question. It was nothing but lies, but Scooter wouldn't take any chances; he'd burn this. Tucking it under his arm, he said to Rowlf, "I can't believe you beat Sam at his own game. That was amazing!"

Rowlf grinned. "I just appealed to his better nature, that's all. In fact, I'm a little disappointed that he gave in so quickly. I was gonna walk him through the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence next."

*

Camilla sat in the office of Beanes, one of the attorneys of the firm of Porque & Beanes. Gonzo was in one of the conference rooms with Beanes and a court reporter. It had been stressed to them both that no harm could come to them as a result of their testimony. Camilla was not worried about that; the only issue, in her opinion, was proving that she had a language at all. Gonzo, on the other hand, was wound up like an E or a first string. This would be so much easier on everyone if they could be questioned together, so Gonzo could translate her answers, but they would not accept that. Camilla had tried to speak English several times in the past, and for all her efforts she could only reliable manage one word. English was as easy for her as barking like a dog was for a human. How did parrots manage it?

Gonzo and Beanes, a hog wearing a charcoal-gray suit, came out of the room. He was still tense, but it hadn't been as bad as he had expected. They had questioned him on the length of time they had known each other, the nature of their working relationship, why he considered her to be sapient. Beanes had guided him through it, getting what would help their case into the record and skipping less relevant matters, such as the nature of their personal relationship.

He sat down next to Camilla. She clucked a question. He answered, "It was okay. I thought it'd be worse."

Beanes sat behind his desk. Addressing them both, he said, "Camilla, it's obvious to me that you're as intelligent as the next person. The question is how to prove it firmly enough that nobody will be able to deny it, as much as they may want to. That's where it gets tricky. Gonzo, of course, would not be acceptable as a translator because of your personal association. Gonzo, do you know of anyone else who can understand her?"

Gonzo said, "Only other chickens, and I don't know any who can also speak English. But how about this? You could ask her something while I'm out of the room, then she could tell me her answer, and I could translate that. If I can give you the right answers without hearing the questions, that'd prove that Camilla's answering them rather than me, wouldn't it?"

The pig shook his head slowly. "I understand what you're saying, but it wouldn't be convincing enough in court. It would be too easy to claim that it's a trick. We need something more solid."

The receptionist tapped on the door, then stuck her head in. "Mr. Beanes, someone has arrived and is offering to assist with this case."

The attorney asked, "Who is he?"

"His name is Sam, and he says he can understand chickens."

Beanes glanced at Gonzo and Camilla, who looked just as surprised as he was. "Send him in, Miss Tamworth."

After a moment Sam the Eagle stepped into the office. Gonzo exclaimed, "Sam? You speak chicken?"

"I understand it. I do not speak it," Sam replied stiffly.

Camilla clucked something to him. He replied, "I speak only the official language of this nation. American."

Gonzo and Camilla exchanged glances. Then Gonzo said to Beanes, "Well then, now we have a translator. So it's no problem from here, right?"

Beanes said, "They could still claim that Sam is speaking for Camilla. You do know each other, after all." He paused, considering, then asked, "You could translate a recording of Camilla's voice, couldn't you?"

Gonzo replied, "Yeah, no problem." Sam nodded.

Beanes smiled. "Then I think we have a plan. I'll have both of you translate separately and see how closely you match. Sam, Camilla, come with me. Gonzo, you can go back in the waiting room for now. I'll call you in when we have a recording for you to work from. It may take a while, because it'll only include her answers, not my questions or Sam's interpretations."

Gonzo gave Camilla a quick hug, then left the office. He was surprised to see Kermit in one of the reception area chairs, reading a magazine. The frog looked up and said lightly, "Hi ho. How's it going?"

Gonzo took the next chair. "Better now. What're you doing here?"

"I brought Sam over after he volunteered to help translate. He needed a little encouragement."

"Wow. Thanks, Kermit," Gonzo said gratefully.

"Anytime," Kermit answered. "So, what's the game plan?"

"They're going to have him translate for her. Then they'll have me translate a tape of what she says, and see if we match."

"That sounds like it'll work," Kermit said.

"I sure hope so," Gonzo said.

*****

All characters are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[Lil0Vampy]

Yay, they have a plan! Great chapter!

 

[The Count]

Thank you... Mmm, I love Friday the 13th, especially when it brings defrightful fic updates.
Heh, saw Rowlf's plan from a mile away.
Nice reference having the firm of Pork & Beans involved with the case.
Mayhaps you got a wee smidge inspired by KG to include the rag Fleet works at as a devisive ally only to have it blow up in their faces.
Sam being tricked into helping translate for Camilla because of his patriotism... I wonder how he'd react to the Muppets' latest venture, Jim Henson's Anchor Babies.
Great chapter, more please?

 

[Slackbot]

Lil0Vampy, thanks!

Thank you... Mmm, I love Friday the 13th, especially when it brings defrightful fic updates.

I love it when it brings good employment news!

Heh, saw Rowlf's plan from a mile away.

Heh, I figured it'd be pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain. Which explains why Sam was so easily snared.

Nice reference having the firm of Pork & Beans involved with the case.

I got them from "Before You Leap." Have they been mentioned anywhere else? I don't even see them in the Muppet wiki.

Mayhaps you got a wee smidge inspired by KG to include the rag Fleet works at as a devisive ally only to have it blow up in their faces.

Er, no, I've just been watching my second season DVDs, and Fleet drifted in. Who is KG?

Sam being tricked into helping translate for Camilla because of his patriotism... I wonder how he'd react to the Muppets' latest venture, Jim Henson's Anchor Babies.

?

Great chapter, more please?

Jeez, you guys are like hungry baby birds, ain't'cha? Don't worry, I've drafted the next one already. Here's a snippet:

***

Kermit was only momentarily startled when he heard Gonzo shriek "Eureka!" from the bowels of the theater. A moment later Gonzo streaked up the stairs, yelling "Sweetums!"

***

Oooh, the drama.

 

[The Count]

Heh, haven't done this in a while.
1 Yes, from Before You Leap, that's the reference hexactly.
2 KG, Kermie's Girl, Ruahnna's master opus found here in the fic library/section of the forums.
3 Anchor Babies, watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart... Go to the site and search for it or any episodes from now, August 2010. Basically, it's the stance some Congress people are stupidly aggressively taking that the 14th amendment shouldn't grant automatic US citizenship to children born in the United States to immigrants living there, whether they're illegal or already duely-naturalized citizens.
When Jon said the term "anchor babies", the first thing I thought of—and them too—was, "you mean like Jim Henson's Muppet Babies?"
Anchor Babies, we'll make our dreams come true.
They then showed some animated baby characters with the super-imposed heads of Diane Sawyer, Katy Courrick, Brian Williams, and Anderson Cooper.
They even went as so far as to say that Muppet Babies was introducing a new character, Anchor McTerror Baby, but that's not listed at the Muppet Wiki yet so I don't know what that joke was.
4 Yes... We're a ravenous bunch of fic readers here. If you haven't noticed yet by other fics, we can become actively nagsome when a fic has gone neglected and in need of updates. That plus the common cry from us has become "More please!" with variations on the number of !'s after to demonstrate the request.

Hope this helps, have an unlucky day.

 

[Slackbot]

Re KG: Ah, OK. I haven't been here very long, and there library is intimidatingly large. I don't know where to start because the titles often don't give much hint as to what's in the story, and there are no story descriptions.

I'd rather be nagged to produce more than see silence after I post something I worked for weeks on. So, feel free to nag.

I must say, when I came up with the idea for this fic I almost decided not to post it here. I thought at first that it'd be moderated into oblivion because of Gonzo and Camilla's 'love egg' and the resulting confusion, but after a bit of research I saw that I wouldn't be breaking any new ground, and in fact others had gone much further than I expected to go. So I just cut loose and started writing.

 

[The Count]

Well, if you need help/summaries, LMK. The stories are listed in order of author and chronological factor, so if you decide to pick one you'd be able to follow it easily like Beth's Rowlf's Stories or Sara's Sadie's Stories. And yes, we are okay with most fics, it's only when they go past the general forum rules that they get flagged. Regarding Gonzo and Camilla's relationship, you might be interested in going through The Great Desire by Melissa (Java).

At any rate, hope to read more from you as it's always interesting to see where this story goes.