FanFic: A Little Knight Music

[Muppet Newsgirl]

No, my connection was just fine. I just logged off and then a few minutes later decided to log on again, that's all.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

(A dagger flies out of the wings and stabs into the opposite wall. Appropriately ominous music plays. There is a note tied to the dagger's handle, and the author's voice in the background reads it.)

Dear readers:

I am hiding in an undisclosed location for my own safety. The Killer Fish is about to launch another attack on the Muppet Theater, and it is during this act that we learn the deranged criminal's identity and motives.

Here now is act five, scene one of 'A Little Knight Music.'

I remain, Muppet Newsgirl.


Act Five, Scene One:

Scooter was running through the darkened back hallways of the theater. Ahead of him ran a faceless, soulless creature nearly twice his size in a long black coat.

He looked down at himself. He was wearing his Galahad costume, and he had a sword in his hand.

The Killer Fish took a sharp turn to the right and ran up the stairs to the catwalk. Scooter followed.

He ran out onto the catwalk and came to a stop. The Fish was gone.

Scooter looked around frantically, and he happened to glance down at the stage.

Everyone else sat in the audience, stone still like a group of statues. They didn't move or talk. They didn't see anything.

The whole scene swam before Scooter's eyes, and he quickly tore his gaze back up. He hated going up on the catwalk because of his longtime fear of heights.

"Come to fight me, Scooter?" an unearthly voice asked behind him.

Scooter whirled around and saw the Fish standing right behind him. The criminal's face indeed looked like that of a yellow-scaled Koozebanian…but at the same time it looked different, for some reason he couldn't explain.

The Fish held a long, gleaming sword in his hand.

Scooter narrowed his eyes and tightened his grip on his sword. "What kind of a monster are you?"

"I'm no monster. I'm doing this for the common good. Now come and fight me, little boy," the Fish taunted.

Scooter raised his sword, and with a loud samurai-type yell, went running at the Fish.

The Fish calmly raised his own sword and swiped it down at the young gofer.

"AAAAH!" Scooter dropped to his knees, clutching his shoulder. A trickle of blood leaked out from between his fingers.

The Fish strode forward and snatched Scooter up by his collar. "You and your friends were foolish to meddle with the likes of me. You would fail in the end no matter what. You're completely worthless, Scooter Hunt-Grosse. Completely worthless." And with that the Fish threw Scooter over the edge of the catwalk.

Down, down Scooter fell toward the stage. But there was no stage anymore, just a bottomless black pit.

The Fish's high-pitched, mocking laughter echoed all over the theater.

Scooter continued falling…

------

"No!" Scooter's eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright, clutching at the covers. His breath came in ragged gasps and his pajamas were damp with sweat.

He slumped forward, clutching his knees to his chest. He trembled violently. I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it anymore.

There came a knock at the door. "Scooter? Scooter, are you all right?" Skeeter opened the door, holding her softball bat. "I heard you screaming."

"I'm fine, Skeeter. I just had a nightmare. Go back to sleep."

Skeeter looked uncertain, but closed the door.

Scooter gazed dizzily around the room, at his desk and computer, at his guitar case leaning up against the desk, at the posters on the wall.

He reached up and gingerly touched his left shoulder, where the Fish had cut him with the sword in the nightmare. There was nothing there, just his shoulder inside the sleeve of his pajama jacket.

The fear and the after-effects of the nightmare started to slowly subside.

It's all right…you're in your own room. The Fish isn't here. You're safe.

It was just after five in the morning. Scooter lay back down and tried to go back to sleep…and then he remembered that in eight hours he had a world history test at school.

So what else was new?

------

In the morning, Scooter checked his e-mail before school.

Lo and behold, there was a response.


To: Scooter Hunt-Grosse (goferboy@mup-thtr.com)
From: The Wild Impresario (crazygenius89@faff.co.uk)
Subject: Re: URGENT: We've got trouble

Scooter:

I have heard about the troubles on your side of the pond, and I think it's simply terrible. Interestingly enough, someone else contacted me with that very same question. Can't say who, though. He wanted to remain anonymous.

Judging from what I've heard, I can give you a profile of the Killer Fish. It's not the buildings themselves he's attacking, it's something associated with them. Something he hates with a passion. It's often because he didn't get his way with something in the past. He's a whiny little coward, basically, just like old Farkas.

There is a connection between the theaters that were attacked. Find out what it is, and you'll catch the Fish.

Lady Fughetta, Riff and Mimi send their love, and we'll all be in town on the opening night of 'A Little Knight Music.'…oooh, how I love music.

Take care,

Wild

P.S. The play's the thing.


The play's the thing… Scooter frowned and tapped one finger on the keyboard.

"Hey, Scooter, have a look at this," Skeeter said as she came into the room holding the day's paper. "They've released a composite sketch of the Killer Fish. The police talked to witnesses from the other theater attacks, and they all pretty much saw the same person."

She showed Scooter the paper. The sketch showed a Koozebanian with leathery scales, large, black, goggle-like eyes and a long flexible snout.

Scooter frowned. It didn't look like any Koozebanian he knew from working at the theater...but something clicked somewhere in his mind about the sketch.

However, a note said that some of the witnesses saw a Koozebanian with yellow scales, while others saw one with green scales.

Either way, the witnesses all said that for some strange reason, the attacker's face looked "fake," or "false," "like he wasn't real," the note said.

-----

 

[ReneeLouvier]

oh wow. awesome!

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Let me just point out that no Koozebanians, Whatnots or any other law-abiding Muppets will be harmed or harassed during the act.

However, that only applies to the outside community; when it comes to the Kermit and the gang at the theater vs. the Killer Fish, things might get dicey.

Just thought I'd throw that in there. Scene two coming up eventually.

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Act Five, Scene Two:

Several hours later at Philip Casson High School, Mrs. Kenworthy's one o'clock world history class was quietly scribbling its way through a test on 19th century Asian history.

All right, so half the class was quietly scribbling its way through the test; the other half had either fallen asleep or was staring in despair at the test paper.

Scooter wrote in a few more short answers, stopped, and tapped his pencil on the paper as he tried to remember all of the tenets of the Treaty of Kanagawa. His pencil came to a stop in mid-tap as he realized something.

The composite sketch the police had released to the public showed a yellow, goggle-eyed Koozebanian. In fact, there was some confusion over whether the Killer Fish was a yellow Koozebanian or a green one.

But…when Bunsen and Beaker and the two Brandon twins went running through the smoke-filled backstage area in their gas masks after the smoke bomb attack, Scooter had thought that they looked like a group of Koozebanians.

Gas masks sold in the area came in a variety of colors, including yellow and green.

Scooter squeezed his eyes shut, trying to remember his nightmare. The Killer Fish's face did look an awful lot like a gas mask, now that he thought about it. And the composite sketch of the Fish had almost the same shape and features of the gas masks the Muppets used for one play about World War I.

The witnesses who claimed to have seen a Koozebanian running away from the ruined theaters could very easily have seen someone wearing a gas mask.

Scooter penciled in the last answer, handed in his test and left the room. He went outside to the schoolyard where he found Skeeter sitting on the front steps, her science class having let out early.

There were only a few students in the schoolyard at the moment. Most were in classes, and the ones who had a free hour usually spent it inside. It was a drab, cold, late October day with a hint of rain in the air.

"Skeeter, you remember when we did that World War I skit on Veteran's Day last year?" Scooter asked as he sat down on the steps.

"Yeah, that was the one where we played doughboys on the receiving end of a laughing gas attack," Skeeter grinned. "The DAR actually liked it, but Sam pretty much had a fit over it." Skeeter laughed at the memory of the right-winged eagle raging at Kermit and the rest of the cast after the show.

"You remember the gas masks we used for that skit?"

"Yeah, we borrowed them from Bunsen and Beaker." Skeeter looked over at her brother. "What's with the sudden fascination with gas masks, little bro?"

"The people who saw the Killer Fish running away…I think they actually saw someone wearing a gas mask."

Skeeter's eyes widened. "Holy cow, I think you're right. They said in the paper that the Fish's face looked kind of fake."

Nora emerged from inside. Her face was set in a frown that might have become permanent.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I was just talking to Mr. Russell, the English lit teacher."

"What'd he say? Did he give you a bad grade or something?"

"No, he just said something unusual." She looked up. "It's nothing. What have I missed?"

"We were discussing the Fish," Skeeter said. "We think it's some guy in a gas mask."

Scooter slumped forward and rested his chin on his knees. "We've got a physical description, but nothing else. No name, no motive, no opportunity, no means, no way."

"We need to know more about him. Why he's trying to burn us, drown us, frighten us or blow us all to kingdom come," Nora said as she parked her books on the steps and sat down.

"Well, Crazy Harry's pretty much done that last part," Skeeter drummed her fingers on the railing.

Scooter sat back up and pushed his glasses farther up on his nose. "I sent an e-mail to Wild last night."

"Did you? How is he?" Skeeter asked.

"Well, it looks like Farkas hasn't blown up Faffner Hall yet, so it looks like everyone's doing well."

"Wait, you're losing me here," Nora said. "Who's Wild, who's Farkas and what's Faffner Hall?"

"Wild is the Wild Impresario. He's a friend of ours over in England. Farkas Faffner is the jerk who keeps trying to destroy Faffner Hall…"

"Which is one of the best-known music schools in England," Skeeter finished. "Does that clear things up for you, Nora?"

"It does, thanks," Nora smiled.

"What'd he tell you, Scooter?" Skeeter brushed her bangs out of her eyes.

"He told me that there's some kind of link between the wrecked theaters. It's got nothing to do with the theaters themselves, but something else," Scooter explained. "It's something that the Killer Fish really, really hates."

"Judging from that pause in your voice, he said something else as well," Nora mused.

"He also said, 'the play's the thing.'"

The three thought for a moment.

And then, Nora said quietly, "You notice something about the plays the other theaters were going to put on?" She pulled out a piece of paper and began scribbling on it. "At the Jane Nebel, it was 'Midsummer Night's Dream,' set in Studio 54. At the Louise Gold, it was 'As You Like It,' set in Beverly Hills. At the Grade, it was 'Orpheus and Eurydice,' set in upstate New York in the late 1960s. At the Not-So-Little, it was 'Elsinore Street Blues,' a.k.a. Hamlet."

"What were the first two? The ones at the Kenworthy and the Smiling Mask?" Scooter craned his neck to look at what Nora had written.

"Let me think…right, right. At the Kenworthy, they were doing 'The Tempest,' set in the 24th century on Saturn." Nora sighed. "And I wanted to go see that so badly. At the Smiling Mask, it was an update of 'Wuthering Heights,' set in Trenton, New Jersey." She scribbled another line, and then a look of realization crossed her face.

"And at the Muppet Theater…it's a takeoff on the story of King Arthur," Skeeter chimed in.

"Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" Nora asked nervously.

"They're all well-known, classic plays and/or books given a new twist." Scooter said decisively.

"Yeah, and the Killer Fish doesn't like that for some reason."

"The only one I can think of who would think that way would be Sam…but, no, he'd never do all that," Skeeter said.

"It's not that kind of show," Scooter agreed. "But…come on, what kind of nut would freak out over a spoof of King Arthur?" Up in the sky, there were a few appropriate rumbles of thunder.

"In this case, a really well-read nut," Nora said as the three quickly gathered up their books and ducked inside as rain started to fall.

-----

Several nights later it was the final dress rehearsal, two nights before 'A Little Knight Music' was set to open.

The cast sat in full costume backstage. This time, they were noticeably subdued. Everyone had a bad feeling that the Killer Fish would strike again.

By now, the story of the Fish and his misdeeds had become the most talked-about thing at the Muppet Theater.

Kermit sat glumly on Miss Piggy's lap. Sam wasn't making any editorial comments, Gonzo wasn't discussing any new stunts, and the Electric Mayhem was strangely silent.

Even Uncle Deadly looked decidedly worried.

Finally, Fozzie stood up. "You guys, what is wrong with you? We've got a show to do, and what are you doing? You're sitting around like it's the end of the world! We've got to do this play...show that guy that he can't slow down the Muppets! Am I right?"

Fozzie was greeted by an unenthusiastic collective "Right."

"Places for act one," Kermit said quietly.

-----

Outside, a black van pulled into a lot a few blocks away from the Muppet Theater. The van came to a stop and five men in trench coats and fedoras got out.

Four of the men stood in a line and faced the fifth man.

"All right, everyone, listen up," the fifth said. "Burbank, you go around to checkpoint Charlie. Tulsa, position yourself at sector Zed."

Tulsa and Burbank turned and disappeared into the darkness.

"Hereford, go to zone 89. And you, Closter, go to station Alpha."

"What about you, Leland?"

"I'll be at control central. Stay tuned for further orders."

"That's nice…hey, wait a minute, you're not hanging out at the coffee shop while the rest of us bust our collective humps out here!"

"I can and I will. Number one, I have a cold. Number two, I'm the boss. Number three, the second-floor lounge gives me a straight shot at the theater roof."

-----

"I think it's one of those guys I saw sneaking around out in the alley," Rizzo said as everyone took their places for act one.

The rehearsal went by quickly, but despite Fozzie's pep talk, everyone seemed distant and preoccupied. The Great Hall scene was rushed, Gonzo did the catapult act without his usual bravado, Scooter and Nora barely looked at each other during a moment when they were supposed to be getting to know one another, and Link and Uncle Deadly were incapable of being truly pompous or evil.

Rowlf wearily drummed his fingers on the piano lid. "Kermit, if act two goes the way act one just did, I'll be ready for the Killer Fish to put this show to sleep."

"Rowlf, don't say that, please?" Kermit asked. "All right, quickly, everyone into costumes for the ball scene!"

Scooter ran over to a rack, identified his costume and dashed up to a dressing room to change.

As he pulled the long white, green and orange knight's tunic over his head, he stopped. He thought he had heard the side door slam down below.

Pops never let any outsiders in backstage during the final dress rehearsal.

Scooter, stop it, he told himself firmly. You're getting scared, and that's what the Killer Fish wants. He put his sword back into his sword belt, put on the mask he had to wear for the ball scene, checked his appearance in the mirror and left the dressing room.

Nora appeared from another room, wearing the long bluish-purple silk dress that she wore for the ball scene, and a mask that covered the top half of her face.

"Ready?" she asked, though with a note of tension in her voice.

They took their places at the wings with the rest of the cast.

They watched as Kermit and Miss Piggy made their entrance into the Great Hall at Mordred's castle. Under the stage directions, the Camelot contingent would enter two at a time.

Scooter and Nora would enter right after Gonzo and Camilla.

For a while, they watched Kermit and Miss Piggy waltz around the stage, studiously avoiding Link and Mildred.

And then, Scooter smelled something. He lifted his head and smelled the air, and felt his blood run cold.

He's here…

It suddenly smelled a lot like an open-air fish market backstage.

------

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Act Five, Scene Three:

Scooter took off his mask and turned, just in time to see a figure in a long black coat vanish up the stairs to the catwalk over the stage.

He tapped Nora on the shoulder and pointed up the stairs. Nora took off her mask and grabbed a stage sword lying nearby.

"Let's go," she whispered as they moved away from the others and tiptoed up the stairs.

Scooter threw open the door to the catwalk. The person in black was fiddling with one of the lights.

By fiddling with one of the lights, we mean rigging it so that it would fall on Kermit and Miss Piggy.

And by one of the lights, we mean a very large, very heavy lighting rig.

"Hey! Stop!" Scooter yelled, running forward.

The Killer Fish stood bolt upright and threw a dagger at Scooter before running off.

"Scooter, get down!" Nora shouted as she ducked for cover.

Scooter flung himself down on the catwalk floor, eyes squeezed shut. The dagger zoomed across the catwalk and embedded itself firmly in the wall. Scooter got to his feet and started to run.

Kermit looked up. "What's going on up there?" he demanded.

"It's the Killer Fish!" Scooter screamed as he disappeared off the other end of the catwalk.

At the sound of those words, all mayhem broke loose in the theater.

Everyone began screaming and shouting and running around all at once.

The malfunctioning light rig suddenly came free of its moorings.

"Kermit, look out!" Nora yelled as she ran after Scooter.

Kermit saw the rig falling and made a run for it, Miss Piggy right behind. Uncle Deadly scooped Robin up and dashed to one side before the little frog could be trampled in the stampede backstage. The rig smashed to smithereens on the stage, bits of glass, steel and plastic going everywhere. All went dark in the theater, save for the footlights.

Uncle Deadly moaned. "What beast chooses to plague us this night?"

Robin trembled and clutched at Uncle Deadly's red and black robe. He had never felt so terrified in his life.

"Robin! Robin, where are you?" Sweetums bellowed as he charged through the stampede.

"Here! Sweetums, I'm scared!" Robin wailed.

"Here is the little chap," Uncle Deadly said as he handed Robin off to Sweetums.

Robin buried his face into the huge monster's shaggy fur. "Sweetums..."

"Everyone, calm down!" Kermit bellowed over the din.

"How can you stay calm? That maniac's out to kill us!" Link shouted before he fainted into the band pit. Wayne and Wanda were sobbing into each other's shoulders.

"Maniac! Maniac!" Animal hammered at his drums.

"Someone call the cops!"

Clifford scooped up the phone. "Kerm, man, the phones are dead."

"Use cell phones!"

"The reception in here is lousy, remember?" Rowlf pointed out.

Skeeter threw open a window and hastily punched in Richard's cell number. "Please, pick up…" she said anxiously.

"Yes, this is the Muppet Theater! Send the cops over here immediately...what do you mean, stop doing those prank calls?" Gonzo asked in disbelief over his phone as he leaned out the window.

Skeeter's heart pounded. Two rings, three rings, and then…

"You have reached the phone of Richard Hunt, actor, singer, director and general purveyor of whimsy, chaos and mayhem, not necessarily in that order. Please leave a message at the tone along with your name and number, and have a nice day. However, if you are trying to sell me something or get me to vote for someone, get off the phone right now, and your face!"

She tried Jim's phone…and Frank's…and Dave's…and Jerry's…but no one picked up. "Where is everyone?" she half-screamed in despair and anger.

-----

Scooter threw open the door to the prop room. No one was there.

Where are you?

He ran along the darkened hallway, trying to follow the fishy smell.

He came to a stop outside Kermit's office, and once again felt his blood run cold.

In the office (which Kermit didn't use as often as his desk by the wings, truth be told), Kermit kept a splendid English longsword, a gift from Peter Ustinov, on display in a glass case.

Someone had smashed the case and taken the sword. Shards of glass littered the floor like diamonds on a jeweler's cloth.

By now, the gofer was quaking in his boots. They weren't just dealing with a vandal anymore. They could also be dealing with a would-be murderer.

Nora sprinted up. "What's wrong?" Behind them, the door connecting the hallway to the backstage area slammed shut.

"We've got a mess on our hands," Scooter said grimly. "There was a sword that we kept in here, a real, honest-to-goodness sword, and he's stolen it. The Fish is now officially armed and dangerous."

"Not counting the dagger he launched at you," Nora groaned. "He's gone psycho. We've got to find him before he kills someone." She lifted her head and sniffed the air.

She stopped and pointed down the hallway. She and Scooter ran in that direction, trying to muffle their footfalls as much as possible.

They came to the darkened stairwell that led up to the attic. A set of dusty footprints led up the stairs, and the smell of fish lingered in the air overhead.

Scooter and Nora looked at each other, gripped each other's hands and started to climb up the stairs. With each step, they feared that someone would jump out of nowhere with a gun, or another dagger would fly out of the shadows in horror-film style.

At the top, the door leading out to the roof swung to and fro, its hinges creaking in an appropriately ominous fashion.

A frigid early November wind whistled through the gratings on the roof as Scooter and Nora came outside. The door swung shut with a soft click behind them.

Here they lost the Fish's scent.

Down below and off in the distance, the 6:35 commuter express just out of New York roared past on its way into the train station down at Nelson Square.

"I don't like this, Nora," Scooter shivered as he hugged himself for warmth. It started to rain moments later.

Nora scanned the rooftop, trying to see where someone could hide. Around them, the city lights cast a hazy glow into the night sky. The theater's rooftop crane arched into the sky and looked vaguely like a gallows.

"Show yourself!" Nora yelled. "Come out and face us like a man…er…Muppet!"

Scooter approached the railing and looked out at the surrounding buildings. There was no way the Killer Fish could have jumped to a nearby roof.

He thought he saw someone running away through the alley down below. He moved forward to get a better look, but in the rain and the dark it was hard to see properly.

"Scooter, look out!"

Scooter whirled around to see the Killer Fish looming over him, a face in a dark yellow gas mask. It was the face from his nightmare.

He ducked out of the way before the Fish's sword (technically, Peter's sword which was stolen by the Fish) came smashing down on the railing where Scooter had been standing.

There was a ripping noise as the sword caught on the left sleeve of Scooter's tunic. The entire sleeve tore off and dangled from the sword.

Scooter grabbed Nora's hand, and the two ran around to the other side of the roof.

"Has this ever happened before?" Nora screamed.

"Yeah, sometimes!"

"What do you guys do when it happens?"

"If the others were here, we'd have an absurdly comedic fight!"

"And when they're not?"

Scooter gulped. "I don't know!"

And then, a second figure in a dark green gas mask appeared, and a third, and a fourth.

The figures leapt up onto the roof, ninja-style. In desperation, Scooter and Nora ran back over to the attic door.

The Fish reached down and calmly locked the door just as the two came running up.

"You two aren't going anywhere," the Fish said in a low, dangerous voice distorted by the mask.

Scooter and Nora were trapped.

-----

 

[ReneeLouvier]

Oh...my god.....more...please?

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

Of course, of course. It's just that this act's a little longer than most, and I've got to run back and edit some stuff. Be patient, and scene four will come eventually.
Heck, that last scene sped up my heart rate a bit, and I'm the one who wrote it. Real diabolical of me to leave our dear Scooter and his friend Nora caught in the Fish's clutches...

 

[Leyla]

This is a great story, both funny and nerve-wracking! I get all nervous, and then you write something like: "It's the Killer Fish!" Scooter screamed as he disappeared off the other end of the catwalk" and I just can't help but laugh. Love the reference to Peter Ustinov and the line about the 'absurdly comedic fight', not to mention the violent dance scene previously. Great work!

Leyla

 

[Muppet Newsgirl]

(pops out of underground bunker)

Muppet Newsgirl: All right, I've kept everyone scared silly long enough. Here, all (well, almost all) will be revealed! There's at least one more act after this, but I can't post it tonight.

Act Five, Scene Four:

Skeeter hurried along the hallway, her sword outstretched. She was wondering why the door leading from the backstage area to the hallway had been locked.

More of the Fish's handiwork - or fin-iwork, she thought sourly.

She spotted the dusty footprints leading up to the attic, and started to follow them up.

Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy and pretty much the rest of the cast came skidding around the corner moments later and started climbing up.

-----

"You little fools," the Fish snarled down at Scooter and Nora as the three green-masked henchmen came up behind them. They too had swords.

"When, boss?" one of the henchmen asked. "When do we finish it?"

"Not yet," the Fish said. "I want to settle a score with these two first." He raised the sword so that it glinted ominously in the streetlights.

"You…" Scooter felt anger rising inside him. "Why are you doing this? Why'd you attack the other theaters like that?" He took a deep breath. "What did we ever do to you?" he demanded.

"Shut up, boy," the Fish pointed one finger at Scooter, "and I might just let you and the girl walk away from here unharmed. I thought I could make those others an example to you…but no, you just wouldn't listen."

"What are you talking about?" Nora half-screamed. "Stop spewing all those half-baked threats and tell me, what the heck are you talking about?"

"That abomination you call a show."

Scooter and Nora still didn't understand what the heck the Fish was talking about…but that voice suddenly sounded very familiar.

"You don't like the show?" Scooter asked. "Then don't see it. Don't ruin it for everyone else just because you don't like it."

"That's not good enough. It must be eliminated, for the sake of the people."

"The sake of the people…" Nora rolled her eyes. "Don't make me laugh. You probably don't care for what the people think."

"Nora, he's completely off his rocker," Scooter shivered. He was now completely soaked to the bone, but then, so was everyone else on the roof.

He suddenly realized, as he lowered his hands to rub at his arms, that he was still carrying his sword.

He dropped his voice to a whisper. "If we're going to do something, we might as well do it now."

"Got it."

Scooter and Nora started to back away from the Fish, and the henchmen formed a circle around them.

Scooter tentatively gripped his sword and pulled it out of its sheath. Nora decided to keep hers in its sheath for the time being. She was forming an idea in her mind.

The Fish laughed mockingly. "So you want to fight me, little ones? Very well. I look forward to some amusement."

That voice…where have I heard that voice? Scooter racked his brains as he raised his sword.

Scooter closed his eyes and then thought back to rehearsals, when he, Fozzie, Gonzo and the others were going through fight choreography.

In his mind, the book on stage combat…the book Nora had brought to the theater that day in September…came into view and opened up. It seemed so long ago…

Goelz' Guide to Stage Combat and Other Potentially Fatal Ventures, Chapter Three: How to Fight a Larger or More Dangerous Opponent…

This isn't a nightmare, Scooter, it's reality. And you've got to take him out this time...for everyone here, you've got to win.

The Fish tsked with impatience and started to swing the sword….

Clang.

Scooter had taken one end of his sword in each hand, like he was holding a staff.

He swiftly held the sword up and blocked the Fish's attack.

"Run for it, Nora!" Scooter hollered.

Nora had already taken off, the henchmen in hot pursuit.

She ran around to the other side, past the towering air vents, the skylights and the other things that jutted high up out of the roof, past all the things we should have mentioned were present during scene three.

I know that voice…I know him! she thought angrily.

She made sure to take a path through where there were a lot of puddles. Which wasn't too hard, considering that it was raining cats and dogs.

One of the henchmen skidded on a puddle and fell, badly turning his ankle.

That's one, Nora thought. She ran back around to the front, pulling her sword out of its sheath and waving it high in the air.

Another henchman jumped out of nowhere. He swung at her, but Nora quickly ducked and swiped her sword into his shins.

The Killer Fish lunged at Scooter again…and again and again. Each time, Scooter blocked the blow and jumped back. On the third swipe he waved his sword in a large circle high over his head, just as he had seen done in the book of stage combat.

"Brat…" the Fish muttered, now rather out of breath.

Scooter noticed the approach Nora had been taking. He ran and darted away between the attic gable and an air vent. For someone Scooter's size, it was quite easy. Not so for the Fish.

-----

Near a fire escape outside, someone began speaking into a walkie-talkie. "Hereford to Closter. The pot is boiling over. Repeat. The pot is boiling over."

Behind an old decaying Studebaker in an alleyway, someone in a tan trench coat and a dark gray fedora spoke into a walkie-talkie. "Closter to Leland. The Killer Fish is in the dress circle. Repeat. The Killer Fish is in the dress circle."

"Loud and clear, Closter. What about Greencoat and Bluebell?"

"They've gone vertical." The man looked up at the roof. He could see two figures, one dressed as a knight, the other as a noblewoman, up on the roof. He could also see the Killer Fish coming straight at them. "Leland, the Fish is after them and…oh, no, he's got company!"

"Commence Operation Vertigo!" Leland yelled.

Closter reached into his pack and brought out a set of large suction cups. He clipped them to his hands and feet and started climbing up the wall. Hereford, Burbank and Tulsa appeared and started climbing after him.

Hang on, Scooter...hold on, Nora...don't let that jerk win, Closter thought as he climbed. We're all counting on you...

------

At the back of the roof, Scooter and Nora were now fighting the two remaining henchmen. The first one had hurt himself too badly to continue fighting.

Nora's sword clipped the second henchman in the shoulder. He yelped and muttered several curse words.

Scooter blocked two lunges from the third henchman before managing to swing his sword into the man's side.

"Back to the front!" Scooter whispered as he and Nora ran back through the maze of air vents, having temporarily disarmed the henchmen. "This is getting exhausting."

Before they emerged from their hiding place, Nora clapped her hand on Scooter's shoulder. "I have an idea. Get out there and get the Fish to come at you."

"But…"

"Trust me," Nora said earnestly.

There came a loud banging on the attic door.

Scooter nodded. He had a hunch about what Nora planned. "Be careful." He rose and ran out onto the open roof. "Hey, Fish-face! You wanna fight me? Come and get me!"

The Killer Fish turned and started to run at Scooter.

Scooter tightened his grip on his sword and got ready to swing it.

And then, Nora leapt out at the Fish from behind and yanked off his gas mask.

"Get off me!" the Fish roared as he tried to shove Nora away.

A spray bottle fell out of the Fish's pocket and clattered on the roof, rolling away from the scuffle. Scooter grabbed it up and examined the label.

It was a bottle of synthetic fish oil. He sniffed the can's nozzle and made a face. It was the exact same smell he had noticed before the smoke bomb went off, and at the fire, and tonight in the wings.

Clutching the mask, Nora jumped away from the Fish, now kneeling on the ground and hiding his face in his hands. She ran over to Scooter.

"Aren't you going to show us who you are?" Scooter asked. "You had enough guts to set our canteen on fire, so you should have enough guts to show us your face."

The Fish lurched back to his feet, and lifted his hands away from his face.

Nora's eyes widened at the face, the Killer Fish's true face. The fish oil bottle fell out of Scooter's hand and clattered on the roof.

They gasped in unison, "Mr…Knotworth?"

------

Yes, it was. Julius Knotworth's face was pale and scarred, and there was what looked like a small burn on his cheek. He no longer resembled the pompous, yet benign theater aficionado who used to head up the dramatics society.

Nora's face darkened with rage. "Tell me why you almost crushed our director to death."

"You're all making a mockery of a fabled legend, and I won't stand for it." Mr. Knotworth spat. "The nerve of you, butchering great works of literature and language all for a few cheap, lowbrow laughs."

"You set that fire over at the Jane Nebel, didn't you?" Scooter demanded. "And you flooded the Grade Avenue, too? All for your idea of what a play should be?"

Mr. Knotworth gave a diva-worthy sigh of disgust. "Those fools. Setting a classic Greek myth in a hippie commune. Putting on Shakespeare in a sleazy disco nightspot. Never before have I heard of such wanton violations of revered works. It gave me a pain in my stomach…so I decided to give those idiots at the Not-So-Little a taste of what I felt."

The food poisoning…Mr. Knotworth had just confessed to three of the incidents.

"Yes, all those and the vandalism at the Louise Gold, and the fires at the Kenworthy and the Smiling Mask; they were all a buildup to what I wanted to do to you here. The dress rehearsal for the main crime, if you will."

He pointed a finger at Scooter. "You Muppet Show types are the worst offenders of all. If I had my way, young Scooter, you and your friends would be in prison by now, and this old wreck would be a scrap heap."

Nora bit her lip angrily and tried to keep from yelling something rude at Mr. Knotworth, even though he would have deserved it.

Mr. Knotworth looked around at the city skyline. "This town's theaters and playwrights need a healthy dose of censorship to keep them in line, and I intend to give them that dose. And you..." he turned to Nora. "I expected better of you, Nora Brandon, than to spend your time with these theatrical heretics. Maybe my sister should have fired you altogether, to punish you for your foolishness, you foolish little..."

Scooter's eyes narrowed. He'd had enough. "Shut up."

"What did you say to me, brat?"

"I said, shut up. I don't want to hear any more of that censorship-and-oppression-are-good junk from you. And don't talk to Nora that way."

"Yeah, you've got no right to critique us. The dramatics society didn't think so, either."

"What do you mean, Nora?" Mr. Knotworth asked suspiciously.

Nora scowled. "My lit teacher told me everything several days ago, Mr. Knotworth. You didn't quit the society. You haven't even been part of it in a while. They threw you out long ago, and I know why. You tried to ruin a lot of the plays they put on, because you didn't like the way they were being presented." She took a deep breath. "You've got no sense of humor. You think all plays need to be played the same way. Your way."

The attic door burst open. It flew off its hinges and smashed to the roof in a shower of splinters.

Sweetums emerged, roaring at the top of his lungs, Robin riding on his shoulders. Mr. Knotworth turned pale.

Skeeter came barreling out next, sword outstretched. Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Piggy, Clifford, Rowlf and pretty much everyone else were in hot pursuit.

"The cavalry's in!" Fozzie yelled happily.

------

All right, everyone, you can breathe more easily now. But like I said, still more to go!