Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

[theprawncracker]

Well... it's my birthday. As most of you know I like to do crazy things on my birthday, so why should this year, my 18th, be any different? ...It shouldn't. Here it is, gang. I'm back.

The Muppets’ Mid-Age Crisis

Prologue

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, there lived a frog.

Two frogs, actually.

Those frogs were Kermit, a brave and valiant knight, and his nephew Robin.

Although brave and valiant as Kermit was, he was not considered brave and valiant in the community at large—in fact, he wasn’t even considered a knight in the community at large. Just a frog with a sword.

It wasn’t even his sword, to be honest. He had “borrowed” it from the stirrup of a gleaming white horse parked next to a cave so he could take out a pesky tree root that had sprung up in his lawn.

He decided he didn’t need to give it back after those mysterious skeletal remains were found outside the local troll’s cave.

So no, Kermit wasn’t really a knight.

But Robin really was his nephew, so at least he had that going for him.

Knight or not, Kermit did have a loyal squire named Scooter.

He didn’t really want a squire… but he had one anyway (mostly because Scooter’s uncle owned the property deed to Kermit’s house).

And really that’s all there is to know about Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant not-really-a-knight with a nephew, an eager squire, and a heart of gold.

That could easily be the end of Kermit’s story—but what kind of story would that be?

A short story.

So Kermit’s tale continues with intrigue, danger, romance, and the occasional snappy song-and-dance—

“Is that really how you expect to attract the wandering readers, mister omniscient narrator?"

What the—…Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Teeth, appearing long before his cue.

The hairy head of the gold-toothed keyboardist nodded cheekily. “Many thanks to you, narrator," the musician said. “Greetings and salutations to you, fair readers, if there are any of you out there after that introduction.”

Dr. Teeth, please, you’re really not supposed to be in the story until—

“Yes, yes, I know," Dr. Teeth said, talking to the unseen narrator. “But I heard that repugnant introduction you just gave. Unbearable, even with your big, boomin’ voice!"

Well how would you do an introduction, o’ professor of pomp, ye savior of circumstance?

“Ah ha!" the good doctor proclaimed. “I’m glad you asked! That’s your cue, guys!"

Floyd Pepper, Zoot, Janice, and Animal entered, all decked out in the attire common to the Middle Ages. Tunics for Floyd and Zoot and a wench-esque dress for Janice (Animal’s outfit was beyond description).

That is not their cue! Not even close!

“Oh, like, mellow out, okay?" Janice told the voice.

“Yeah, man, dig on it, we’ve got an introduction that’ll bring light to the Dark Ages!" Floyd said with his raspy laugh following suit.

“Intro! Intro!" Animal chanted.

“Exactly," Dr. Teeth said, taking his place behind the oaky keyboard of an upright piano that had just appeared. “We am, is, are, and be they whom am are known as Dr. Teeth and the Candlelight Mayhem!"

…What?

“No electricity in the Middle Ages, baby," Dr. Teeth explained with a grin.

…Well at least you did your research.

“Like, can we go on with our intro now, please?" Janice asked.

Sure. Why not? I could use a coffee break anyway.

“Righteous!" Dr. Teeth shouted as the rest of the Candlelight Mayhem picked up their previously unseen instruments. “Hey, hey, readers, welcome to the story! We, Dr. Teeth and the Candlelight Mayhem, are a band of traveling minstrels who will traipse through this story whenever a musical number is needed—and sometimes even when one isn’t!"

“Right on," Floyd said. “This is a tale of a frog—two frogs, even! A pig, a bear, a whatever, a squire, an evil wizard, and—”

“Oh, like, you’re giving away the whole story, Floyd!" Janice chided the bassist.

“Spoiler! Spoiler!" Animal shouted.

“Too true, too true," Dr. Teeth said, nodding in agreement. “We wouldn’t want to give away the surprises.”

Zoot poked his head up for a brief span of attentiveness. “Wha? Surprise? Whose party is it? Why aren’t there any streamers?"

“Hey, hey, let’s start the song while Zoot’s awake," Floyd suggested.

“Possilutely," Dr. Teeth agreed. “Two, three, and!"

Janice opened with a light riff on her guitar, playing slowly and softly with no other sounds.

“Come gather ‘round,
Ye readers lots
And hear the tale we tell," Dr. Teeth sang gently to the sound of Janice’s guitar.
“About a grand adventure
And a wicked magic spell
About a hero’s bravery
About a hero’s glory
About the mighty knight at arms,
The bold sir Kermit’s story!”

Dr. Teeth picked up the tune on his keyboard and Animal entered with a repetitive melody on the drums. Floyd plucked the strings of his old-time bass guitar every break in the music, and Zoot blew his horn at the end of every chord.

“A thousand years ago,
A time so Dark you couldn’t even see," Floyd sang.
“There lived a valiant knight
With Robin, his tiny nephew, brave
Along with squire Scooter,
Though he was just a knave.
Yes, he was just a knave!”

“They set out on an epic journey
To the castle of the king," Janice continued the song, holding her song on the guitar.
“The goal of the knight so brave?
To give the pig his ring!
To ask the princess’ hand in marriage
And maybe even stay.
Mm-hmm, he would like to stay!”

Dr. Teeth hit all the keys as he ran his green finger down.
“The plan, of course,
Is easier sang than done
But if it wasn’t, well,
It just wouldn’t be as fun!
A dark wizard has a bone to pick
With Kermit and his pig
He’ll cast a spell and scheme and cheat—
He’ll even do a little jig!
He’ll do a little jig!
It surely won’t be big!”

“You’re stretchin’ that rhyme scheme, Dr. Teeth," Floyd added, not breaking tune.

Dr. Teeth shrugged. “We’ve just gotta hold it for one more verse!"

“So join us here
And join us now
In our story long," Dr. Teeth, Floyd, and Janice harmonized, Zoot and Animal still on their instruments.
“We hope we got you readin’
With our catchy little song
So do enjoy this tale,
Although our rhyme scheme’s frail!
You should at least like the story
For it’s cheap and reasonable prices
Enough of this minstrel song
Here it is, The Muppets’ Mid-Age Crisis!”

Dr. Teeth flashed a grin and gave a thumb up to the band. “Very nice!"

“CRISIS! CRISIS!" Animal shouted heartily.

Well whadaya know… that was better than my introduction.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

*has been laughing ever since the good doctor's "introduction"*

*applauds* Bravo! Bravo! Happy Birthday! *throws flowers at the band and the author*

 

[TogetherAgain]

Prawnie, if you tell me you're going to post at seven and you expect me to be the first to reply, why post at six-thirty? Ah well. Ya got me out of bed, anyway.

Now about this story. AWESOME. I do so love when you re-write songs to better suit your purposes. And ah, those characters, doing everything they're not supposed to do... so typical, from a writer's perspective. And I love the italics.

And now I really need to go get breakfast and scurry off to class, so... <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> for a happy eighteenth birthday, welcome to adulthood, and MORE STORY PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[redBoobergurl]

Happy birthday again, and I love the beginning! It's awesome! You've captivated me from the first word, though I should expect nothing less from you. Can't wait to read more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 1

Kermit the Frog hoed away at his rather barren front yard. He struck his hoe into the ground forcefully and found that he couldn’t remove it. He sighed and leaned against the tool wistfully. “You can’t tell me this is pre-shovel times,” he mumbled.

The pitter-patter of feet echoed in the distance away from Kermit’s humble home made entirely of stone (what else did you expect it to be made of?). “Uncle Kermit!” a chipper voice chirped from somewhere down the dusty road leading up to the stone house. “Uncle Kermit!”

“What ho!” Kermit called, standing up from his pivotal position against his gardening tool. “It appears my nephew Robin hath returned from yonder village!”

A deep, groaning, mumble exuded from somewhere near Kermit’s webbed feet. He looked down at the ground where the metal end of his hoe was still jammed into the ground. “What hoe?” he asked.

Before the humble hoe had a chance to answer Robin had sprinted from wherever he was previously to directly in front of Kermit—panting heavily.

“Dear nephew,” Kermit said, “what in the name of Camelot art thou doing?”

Robin panted lightly, resting his hands on his tiny kneecaps. “What would you like me to name a camel-lot?” Robin asked between pants. (And he wasn’t even wearing pants!)

“Well it’ll have to be a hot joint,” Kermit told his nephew, “so name it aptly.”

Robin stared up at his uncle, his panting having since ceased. “Can we get back to the plot now Uncle Kermit?” he asked.

“Please,” Kermit said.

“Fair Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted, not missing a beat. “You will never believe what I discovered on my trip to yonder village!”

“The Holy Grail?” Kermit asked.

“Well… yes,” Robin said, displaying an ornate, golden goblet in front of him, “but everyone finds that in the Middle Ages.” The young frog cast aside the cup as if it were… a cup. “But good uncle, I have discovered some very intriguing news!”

“Well the narrator said there would be intrigue—job well done nephew,” said Kermit, commending his nephew.

“Don’t you want to know what the news is Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked eagerly.

“Of course—it’s plot exposition,” Kermit said dryly.

“Oh, right,” Robin said with a quick nod. “But where’s Scooter? Shouldn’t we tell him too?”

“We should indeed,” Kermit said, over-acting. “Come, nephew! To Scooter!”

“Actually it’s one Scooter, boss—and he’s right here,” the yellow-skinned squire adorned with glasses (don’t ask me if they had them back then) and a dark green tunic with yellow threading said, appearing from nowhere in particular.

Kermit and Robin jumped at the surprising appearance of the fair squire. “Fair squire, do not frighten us so,” said Kermit with a scolding tone.

“Sorry boss,” Scooter mumbled.

“It’s Kermit in this story, remember?” Kermit muttered to Scooter.

“Oh! Right! Sorry boss,” Scooter apologized. “Oh—erm, I mean, sorry Kermit!”

“Good,” said Kermit. “Now, young Robin has some intriguing news for us.”

“Ooh, intriguing!” Scooter said.

“Tell us, nephew Robin, what is this intriguing news you bring to us?” asked Kermit.

Robin’s face was scrunched up to form a tight frown. “Do you have to talk like that?”

“Just tell us the news,” Kermit told his nephew.

Robin sighed lightly and then returned to his chipper disposition. “Dear uncle! In yonder village I heard three men speaking of the princess who lives in the castle on the other side of the kingdom!” Robin explained excitedly.

“A princess?” Kermit asked, intrigued by this news. (Go figure.)

“A castle?” Scooter asked suspiciously. “If there was a castle wouldn’t we be able to see it from here?”

Robin looked to Kermit for an explanation. The not-really-a-knight squirmed uneasily. “It’s a short castle,” Kermit decided.

“…Sure,” Scooter said, not convinced at all.

“And the princess of the castle is looking for someone to marry her!” Robin continued.

Kermit gulped loudly. “Marry her?” he asked worriedly.

Robin nodded happily. “Yes, dear uncle, and she’s seeing all eligible bachelors!”

“Gee bo—er… Kermit, you’re an eligible bachelor!” Scooter told the taller frog (that’s Kermit).

“A princess, huh?” Kermit asked dreamily. “If I married a princess… I’d—I’d become king.”

“King Kermit,” Scooter said aloud. “I like the sound of that!”

Kermit nodded. “And think of all the good stuff I could do for our poor townspeople here if I was king,” he said. “I could get us hoes that don’t stick in the ground—or even better! I could get shovels! And no one else would go hungry—and everyone would have clean water, and—”

“And we’d get to live in a castle!” Robin shouted.

“And I’d get the health benefits of a squire to a king!” Scooter declared.

Kermit and Robin stared at Scooter. The squire shrugged. “I don’t even have dental,” he said.

“You don’t even have teeth,” Kermit told him.

“What say you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked, trying to regain control of the conversation. “Will you go off to the castle, win the heart of the princess, and become king?”

“Do you honestly expect it to be that easy?” Kermit asked.

“Of course not,” Robin said.

“Oh good,” Kermit said with smile. “Then yes, I shall!”

“YAY!” Scooter and Robin shouted, flailing their arms around. “We’re gonna live in a castle!” they said in unison.

“And make people happy!” Kermit declared.

Robin and Scooter looked at each other. “While living in a castle!”

<—> <—> <—> <—> <—>

Kermit sheathed his sword at his waist and readied himself for the triumphant journey towards the castle.

Scooter came scampering into Kermit’s bedroom holding a piece of parchment and a quill in his hands. Kermit faced the squire and smiled. “Ready to go over the checklist, Scooter?” Kermit asked.

“Check!” Scooter said affirmatively as he crossed something out on the parchment with his quill.

“Oh good,” Kermit said. “Sword?”

Scooter peered down at Kermit’s waist, nodded, and made another mark on the parchment. “Check,” he said.

Kermit nodded and looked around arbitrarily. “Erm… is there anything else?” he asked.

Scooter’s eyes scrolled over the parchment. “One more thing,” Scooter said.

“What’s that?”

“Robin,” Scooter said blankly.

“Oh good grief,” Kermit said. “Where is he?”

Scooter shrugged. “He’s your nephew.”

“Yes,” Kermit said, “but you are my squire—so where’s my nephew?”

“Well if I knew, I would’ve checked him off the list,” Scooter said defensively.

Kermit scrunched up his face. “Oh Robin, Robin, where for art thou, Robin?” he called out into the echoing stone house.

“Save it for the princess, boss,” Scooter advised the frog.

“Kermit,” Kermit corrected the squire.

“Kermit, right, sorry boss,” said Scooter.

The brave and valiant knight shook his head. “Robin!” Kermit called out again.

“Uncle Kermit!” Robin’s voice called from an unseen little froggy body.

Kermit and Scooter both looked around the empty stone house. “Robin where are you?”

“I think I’m in the Dark Ages!” Robin’s worried voice called back.

“We’re all in the Dark Ages, my nephew, but where in the Dark Ages are you?” Kermit asked.

“I don’t know, but it’s dark!” Robin’s voice whined.

“Dark?” Kermit said to himself. “But dear nephew, it is still light outside!”

“Not in here!” Robin answered.

Kermit looked at Scooter. “Where could he be?” the frog asked.

“Well…” Scooter said, thinking, “there’s no such thing as an attic or a basement yet—so those are ruled out.”

“And we don’t have a dungeon,” Kermit added.

“Right,” Scooter said with a nod. “Not after the… incident.”

“No one told me that penguins were allowed to carry around parchment giving people directions!” Kermit said, defending himself. “Who needs a penguin to tell you to applaud, anyhow?”

“The crowd that gathered to see your trial sure didn’t mind it,” Scooter reminded the frog.

Kermit winced. “Just because they claimed the dungeon was a detriment to society…”

“That’s what the court ruled!” Scooter said eagerly.

Kermit frowned. “Robin!” he called to his nephew again, taking a few steps in the direction of where Robin’s voice was coming from before. “What were you doing before it got dark?”

“I was looking for a shovel!” Robin said.

The face of the brave and valiant froggy knight scrunched up tightly. “Of course you were—everyone is,” Kermit said with a sigh.

Kermit and Scooter continued to follow the sound of Robin’s voice until they were standing in front of a large wooden door inside the house. They both looked at each other silently. “Robin,” Kermit said, “were you looking in the closet?”

There was no response for a few seconds. “…Yes,” Robin answered finally.

Scooter pulled open the door and Robin hopped out, right into Kermit. “Oh, brave, fearless Uncle Kermit! You’ve saved me!” the little frog said, feigning gratitude.

Kermit’s face returned to the scrunched position. “You planned this all along, didn’t you?” he asked.

Robin gulped and looked up into his uncle’s Saturn-shaped pupils. “I just wanted to show everyone how brave you are!” Robin argued.

“By having me open a closet?” Kermit asked.

“I opened the closet actually,” Scooter interjected.

“Oh no!” Robin whined. “Now I’ll have to go get locked in the tool shed so Uncle Kermit can rescue me!”

“Nephew, you are too kind,” Kermit said, patting Robin on the shoulder. “But I think we should get back to the story.”

Robin sighed. “Okay, Uncle Kermit…”

“Oh good,” Kermit said. “Are we ready to go Scooter?”

Scooter looked at the parchment in his hands. “Check!”

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

The brave and valiant knight, his nephew, and his squire stood on the dusty road outside of Kermit’s house of stone. Kermit stared at it longingly and sighed heavily. “Fare thee well, o’ house of homes, o’ abode of my liking, o’ residence of—”

“Castle,” Scooter and Robin whispered to the frog.

Kermit stopped, mid-sentence, and turned away from the house. “Well we’d better get going before the sun sets on our little venture!” he said.

The three travelers took their first step towards their destinies.

 

[TogetherAgain]

“Fair Uncle Kermit!" Robin shouted, not missing a beat. “You will never believe what I discovered on my trip to yonder village!"

“The Holy Grail?" Kermit asked.

“Well… yes," Robin said, displaying an ornate, golden goblet in front of him, “but everyone finds that in the Middle Ages.”

I love the whole thing, duh, but I had to quote that part. It's just awesome.

And the hoe. And the lack of shovels. And ROBIN! (Are ya that surprised there?) And their reasons for going on this quest, and just--OY Prawnie I love you!

OH! And the whole Boss/Kermit thing. That's awesome.

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[Leyla]

The pitter-patter of feet echoed in the distance away from Kermit’s humble home made entirely of stone (what else did you expect it to be made of?).

I expected it to be made of sandwiches.

What? I can't be the ONLY one.

Oh.

Well, in any case... Prawnie! this is VERY funny! I like the voice you're using, in it, and you mad be laugh quite a lot. I really enjoyed it. I'm just too tired and lazy right now to quote all that I liked, but there were many things, including the penguin with the parchment, and Robin's skillfl plan to prove his uncle's courage.

Love their relationship, and Scooter too! Hooray!

 

[theprawncracker]

Sweet mother of Mary Todd Lincoln! A post from LEYLA? ! ? ! I say... what a strange occurence.

 

[TogetherAgain]

Hey, jou said jourself, hokay, craaaaaaaazy t'ings happen on jour birthdays...

 

[redBoobergurl]

This is such a fun story Prawnie! I'm loving it! The ho/hoe joke was funny and heck the whole thing was funny! Must read more!