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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 1.
LEWIS KAZAGGER’S VOICE: The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, Bear in the Big Blue House. For years, Muppet fans have been asking which show and characters are the best. And now we’re about to find out in the biggest competition a Muppet could ever know. Live from the Roosevelt Franklin Stadium in New York City. It’s time for BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!!!
(We look at a huge stadium filled with every kind of Muppet monster, whatnot, animal, and creature all cheering their voices out while Waldorf and Statler were sitting in the front row looking very bored.)
WALDORF: You know Statler, I can’t stand huge crowds like these! It’ll make us harder to leave when the show starts to stink!
STATLER: I like big crowds. It means more people get to throw things at the Muppets!
WALDORF AND STATLER: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
WALDORF: Let’s get in some practice!
(And they start throwing their peanuts and Cracker Jack into the stadium.)
(Then we look into the announcer booth where we see Lewis Kazagger and the Muppet Newsman sitting in front of microphones.)
LEWIS: Welcome sports fans. I am Lewis Kazagger!
NEWSMAN: And you can just call me Newsman!
LEWIS AND NEWSMAN: And welcome to Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!
LEWIS: Yes fans, in a few minutes, 4 Muppet teams will be marching into this stadium and we’ll finally find out which show is the best at friendly competition!
NEWSMAN: And when we mean friendly competition, the referees have confiscated all weapons of death and destruction from the athletes and put them in a nice safe place. Some of the Muppet Monsters seemed to have quite a few of them.
(Then a bunch of mallets, clubs, swords, daggers, and machine guns fall on top of the Newsman.)
LEWIS: And they couldn’t be in safer hands now that they’re sticking into the hands and the entire skin of our favorite Newsman!
NEWSMAN: Send me to the medical tent, please!
LEWIS: I’m ashamed of you! You know that the medical tents are only for our hard working athletes! Not for us soft announcers who’ll be sitting on our butts throughout this show!
(Newsman climbs back into his seat with a sword through his head.)
NEWSMAN: How thoughtless of me!
LEWIS: Do you hear that music? That means the first team is arriving onto the field! It’s the Muppet Show Team!
(We see all the Muppet Show characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with Kermit holding a yellow flag with The Muppet Show logo on it.)
NEWSMAN: Ah, yes. The Muppet Show team, with their team leader, Kermit the Frog. This show was very popular on prime time and it was shown in over 100 different countries. And we see a lot more familiar characters like Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Beaker.
LEWIS: Not to mention some newcomers like Bean Bunny and Pepe the Shrimp.
(Pepe takes out a little megaphone while marching.)
PEPE: I’M A KING PRAWN OKAY!
NEWSMAN: And look there in the middle, there’s the radiant Miss. Piggy showing off her new athletic attire!
* * * * * *
(We see Miss Piggy strutting around in a sparkling pink sweatsuit with gold plated sneakers on her feet.)
KERMIT: Piggy, how will you be able to compete wearing all those fancy and heavy clothes?!!
PIGGY: Moi, compete in these things?! Silly Kermie! You should know by now that I’m famous for making entrances!
GONZO: But you could sweat to death wearing all that heavy stuff.
PIGGY: Don’t you know that we pigs don’t have sweat glands?! I use beauty mud. It keeps my skin cool and my face beautiful!
FLOYD: You obviously need more beauty mud right now! About the entire world’s mud! HEH HEH HEH!
PIGGY: GRRRRRR!
(Piggy was about to smash Floyd, until Kermit stopped her.)
KERMIT: Please Piggy, save all that for your event.
(The Muppets stop marching and in marches the second team.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Do I feel a sunny day coming and the urge to sweep the clouds away? Do you know what that means?
NEWSMAN: You’ve been sniffing paint thinner again?
LEWIS: No, it’s the Sesame Street team coming into the stadium.
(We see the Sesame Street gang marching into the stadium led by Ernie and Bert with Big Bird holding a flag shaped like the Sesame Street sign.)
LEWIS: Look, there are team captains Ernie and Bert along with favorites such as Grover, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, Elmo, and that big bird himself, Big Bird.
NEWSMAN: And look, there’s some huge elephant man wearing a shaggy coat.
LEWIS: That’s just Mr. Snuffleupagus. They say he’s the Sesame team’s ultimate muscle.
NEWSMAN: Snuffleupagus? I thought he was just an imaginary athlete the Sesame team made up to force the other teams to forfeit.
LEWIS: Snuffleupagus, imaginary?! You’ve obviously don’t keep up with the times, my friend.
NEWSMAN: Look, there’s a trash can with feet walking behind the Snuffleupagus. I’ll bet that can was built to catch all of Snuffy’s messes. Heh Heh Heh!
LEWIS: Really Newsie! We don’t use that kind of humor around the presence of Sesame Street. That’s just Oscar the Grouch in his portable can bringing up the rear.
NEWSMAN: Let’s just hope his can’s aimed at Snuffy’s rear. Heh Heh Heh!
LEWIS: Do you want me to tell your mother?!
* * * * * *
ERNIE: Oh boy, Bert. We’re gonna win this great sports event, aren’t we?
BERT: I don’t know why you talked me into going on with this jockfest! What if I end up losing and letting my team down? I’ll be humiliated and I’ll have to change my name and start a new life!
ERNIE: Don’t worry Bert. If that happens, I know a good way to give you a new identity.
(Ernie yanks off Bert’s nose and laughs.)
BERT: Bewy punny Ernie!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Listen to that music! Doesn’t it make us want to dance our cares away and worry for another day?
NEWSMAN: Unless that day is April, 15th.
LEWIS: It happens to be the Fraggle Rock team entering the stadium.
(We see a whole group of Fraggles enter the stadium doing cartwheels and dancing around while Gobo was holding a flag with a stick figure Fraggle drawing on it.)
LEWIS: That there is Gobo Fraggle, the team captain. And next to him is his Uncle, Traveling Matt.
NEWSMAN: Ah yes. Traveling Matt. They say Matt was the very first Fraggle to leave the hidden world of Fraggle Rock and visit our culture. Now he’s convinced his fellow Fraggles to come on out and compete in this great event, hoping it will bring both our worlds together.
* * * * * *
(As the Fraggles continued marching, we see Red bouncing all around the parade shouting, “WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!”)
GOBO: Red, control yourself! You’re gonna waste all your energy!
RED: I can’t help it! I just know we Fraggles are gonna win this thing!
WEMBLEY: Gobo, I’m so nervous. What if I wemble during my event and mess up?
GOBO: Don’t worry, Wembley. Just tell yourself, there is no such word as wemble in the dictionary.
MOKEY (holding a dictionary): He’s right, Wembley. It’s nowhere in the W pages.
WEMBLEY: Wow, the word wemble really doesn’t exist! Oh no! Then that means I don’t exist either! AAAAHH!
RED: Gee, Wembley. I’ll bet you’d win a panic event for sure.
BOOBER: If there is a panic event, can I enter? That’s my specialty.
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Look what’s coming into the stadium next! A guy in a huge fur coat!
LEWIS: No, he’s just Bear.
NEWSMAN: No he isn’t. He’s wearing a coat!
LEWIS: Please don’t start up that joke. It’s only funny when that first bear told it all those years ago. I can still hear it on that Muppet Show record album my nephews keep playing over and over again!
NEWSMAN: And it looks like some kind of petting zoo is following him.
LEWIS: No, it’s just our final team, The Big Blue House team with their captain, Bear. Along with his friends, Tutter the Mouse, Ojo the Bear Cub, Pip and Pop Otters, Treelo the Lemur, and Doc Hog.
* * * * * *
(And we see Bear and his Big Blue House friends marching into the stadium while Bear is holding a flag with a crayon drawing of the big blue house.)
BEAR: Sniff, sniff, sniff.
OJO: What is it bear?
TUTTER: Do you smell something?
BEAR: Why, yes I do. Tutter, can you hold this flag for me please? I’ll be right back.
TUTTER: Sure bear, WOAAAAH! (Tutter tries to keep his balance while holding the gigantic flag.)
(Bear rushes over to the front row of the audience and starts to sniff a man.)
MAN: He’s gonna eat me!
BEAR: Oh no. I don’t eat people! I just want to sniff you all. WHIFF! Have you been eating corndogs? Because that’s what you smell like.
(The guy just sits there paralyzed. Then Bear starts whiffing a guy next to him.)
BEAR: And you’ve been eating French Fries. WHIFF! With cheese! And let’s see. SNIFF, SNIFF. You sir, just had some onion rings, you madam had a strawberry milkshake, and you little girl had fudge ripple ice cream. Oh what wonderful smells you all have!
(Then Bear goes over and sniffs Waldorf and Statler.)
STATLER: Oh great! We’re being bugged by different bear!
WALDORF: At least the first bear we all know and torment just threw bad jokes at us. What this guy’s doing isn’t really sanitary!
BEAR: Tell me. Are you two gentlemen wearing Old Spice?
STATLER: I am. But Waldorf’s just OLD TWICE! HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Waldorf just bops Statler in the face causing Statler’s mouth to cover his nose.)
BEAR: Uh, I think I’d better go. (And Bear covers his own nose fearing Waldorf might hit it also.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: It looks like all four teams have entered the stadium. Now it’s time for the national anthems. Everyone please rise.
NEWSMAN: And singing the national anthem for each team is our favorite crooner, Johnny Fiama.
(Johnny Fiama steps up onto a podium with a mike in his hand.)
* * * * * *
JOHNNY: Hey there all you cool sports cats. And now I will sing the national anthems for The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Big Blue House. If I only knew how each song goes. SAL!!!!
SAL: (Running in with some papers.) Coming Johnny! Here’re the songs for each team.
JOHNNY: Thank’s Sal. (And he straightens his tie and clears his throat. Then looks at the notes and starts to sing.)
JOHNNY: Sunny Blue House! It’s time to sweep the Fraggles away! Put on make up on the small mouse! We’re Gobo, Mokey, Pillows full of fluff here, RED! Can you tell me how to get things started on the most sensational, worries for another day, the Big Blue Muppet Show! Down at Sesame Rock!
(The whole audience looked confused and so does the 4 teams on the field.)
BOOOOOOO! Shouted the audience.
WALDORF: What kind of national anthem was that?
STATLER: The anthem that makes you want to defect to another nation.
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
JOHNNY: But it isn’t my fault! I was just reading the stuff that was given to me. Wait a minute!
(Johnny looks at papers and noticed that all words were mixed up and smudged together.)
JOHNNY: Sal! What is this? It looks like someone wrote all the songs on one whole paper. They’re all smudged together into one big mix-up!
SAL: Sorry, Johnny! I guess my printer acted up again.
(The audience starts throwing food at Johnny.)
JOHNNY: No! Not my 2000 dollar suit!
SAL: Get behind me, Johnny! I’ll protect you!
(Johnny, quickly steps away with Sal in front of him, taking all the ketchup, mustard, soda, egg, ice cream, and rotten fruit hits.)
SAL: That’s it you jerks! If you wanna hit Johnny, you’re gonna have to hit me first! Gimme your best shots! Especially your banana flavored foods!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: It looks like the audience has just started their own event. Rotten food tossing.
LEWIS: While our ushers try to keep the crowd calm, we’ll be going to a commercial break.
* * * * * *
(Commercials happen.)
* * * * * *
By Cullen Pittman
Day 1.
LEWIS KAZAGGER’S VOICE: The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, Bear in the Big Blue House. For years, Muppet fans have been asking which show and characters are the best. And now we’re about to find out in the biggest competition a Muppet could ever know. Live from the Roosevelt Franklin Stadium in New York City. It’s time for BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!!!
(We look at a huge stadium filled with every kind of Muppet monster, whatnot, animal, and creature all cheering their voices out while Waldorf and Statler were sitting in the front row looking very bored.)
WALDORF: You know Statler, I can’t stand huge crowds like these! It’ll make us harder to leave when the show starts to stink!
STATLER: I like big crowds. It means more people get to throw things at the Muppets!
WALDORF AND STATLER: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
WALDORF: Let’s get in some practice!
(And they start throwing their peanuts and Cracker Jack into the stadium.)
(Then we look into the announcer booth where we see Lewis Kazagger and the Muppet Newsman sitting in front of microphones.)
LEWIS: Welcome sports fans. I am Lewis Kazagger!
NEWSMAN: And you can just call me Newsman!
LEWIS AND NEWSMAN: And welcome to Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!
LEWIS: Yes fans, in a few minutes, 4 Muppet teams will be marching into this stadium and we’ll finally find out which show is the best at friendly competition!
NEWSMAN: And when we mean friendly competition, the referees have confiscated all weapons of death and destruction from the athletes and put them in a nice safe place. Some of the Muppet Monsters seemed to have quite a few of them.
(Then a bunch of mallets, clubs, swords, daggers, and machine guns fall on top of the Newsman.)
LEWIS: And they couldn’t be in safer hands now that they’re sticking into the hands and the entire skin of our favorite Newsman!
NEWSMAN: Send me to the medical tent, please!
LEWIS: I’m ashamed of you! You know that the medical tents are only for our hard working athletes! Not for us soft announcers who’ll be sitting on our butts throughout this show!
(Newsman climbs back into his seat with a sword through his head.)
NEWSMAN: How thoughtless of me!
LEWIS: Do you hear that music? That means the first team is arriving onto the field! It’s the Muppet Show Team!
(We see all the Muppet Show characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with Kermit holding a yellow flag with The Muppet Show logo on it.)
NEWSMAN: Ah, yes. The Muppet Show team, with their team leader, Kermit the Frog. This show was very popular on prime time and it was shown in over 100 different countries. And we see a lot more familiar characters like Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Beaker.
LEWIS: Not to mention some newcomers like Bean Bunny and Pepe the Shrimp.
(Pepe takes out a little megaphone while marching.)
PEPE: I’M A KING PRAWN OKAY!
NEWSMAN: And look there in the middle, there’s the radiant Miss. Piggy showing off her new athletic attire!
* * * * * *
(We see Miss Piggy strutting around in a sparkling pink sweatsuit with gold plated sneakers on her feet.)
KERMIT: Piggy, how will you be able to compete wearing all those fancy and heavy clothes?!!
PIGGY: Moi, compete in these things?! Silly Kermie! You should know by now that I’m famous for making entrances!
GONZO: But you could sweat to death wearing all that heavy stuff.
PIGGY: Don’t you know that we pigs don’t have sweat glands?! I use beauty mud. It keeps my skin cool and my face beautiful!
FLOYD: You obviously need more beauty mud right now! About the entire world’s mud! HEH HEH HEH!
PIGGY: GRRRRRR!
(Piggy was about to smash Floyd, until Kermit stopped her.)
KERMIT: Please Piggy, save all that for your event.
(The Muppets stop marching and in marches the second team.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Do I feel a sunny day coming and the urge to sweep the clouds away? Do you know what that means?
NEWSMAN: You’ve been sniffing paint thinner again?
LEWIS: No, it’s the Sesame Street team coming into the stadium.
(We see the Sesame Street gang marching into the stadium led by Ernie and Bert with Big Bird holding a flag shaped like the Sesame Street sign.)
LEWIS: Look, there are team captains Ernie and Bert along with favorites such as Grover, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, Elmo, and that big bird himself, Big Bird.
NEWSMAN: And look, there’s some huge elephant man wearing a shaggy coat.
LEWIS: That’s just Mr. Snuffleupagus. They say he’s the Sesame team’s ultimate muscle.
NEWSMAN: Snuffleupagus? I thought he was just an imaginary athlete the Sesame team made up to force the other teams to forfeit.
LEWIS: Snuffleupagus, imaginary?! You’ve obviously don’t keep up with the times, my friend.
NEWSMAN: Look, there’s a trash can with feet walking behind the Snuffleupagus. I’ll bet that can was built to catch all of Snuffy’s messes. Heh Heh Heh!
LEWIS: Really Newsie! We don’t use that kind of humor around the presence of Sesame Street. That’s just Oscar the Grouch in his portable can bringing up the rear.
NEWSMAN: Let’s just hope his can’s aimed at Snuffy’s rear. Heh Heh Heh!
LEWIS: Do you want me to tell your mother?!
* * * * * *
ERNIE: Oh boy, Bert. We’re gonna win this great sports event, aren’t we?
BERT: I don’t know why you talked me into going on with this jockfest! What if I end up losing and letting my team down? I’ll be humiliated and I’ll have to change my name and start a new life!
ERNIE: Don’t worry Bert. If that happens, I know a good way to give you a new identity.
(Ernie yanks off Bert’s nose and laughs.)
BERT: Bewy punny Ernie!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Listen to that music! Doesn’t it make us want to dance our cares away and worry for another day?
NEWSMAN: Unless that day is April, 15th.
LEWIS: It happens to be the Fraggle Rock team entering the stadium.
(We see a whole group of Fraggles enter the stadium doing cartwheels and dancing around while Gobo was holding a flag with a stick figure Fraggle drawing on it.)
LEWIS: That there is Gobo Fraggle, the team captain. And next to him is his Uncle, Traveling Matt.
NEWSMAN: Ah yes. Traveling Matt. They say Matt was the very first Fraggle to leave the hidden world of Fraggle Rock and visit our culture. Now he’s convinced his fellow Fraggles to come on out and compete in this great event, hoping it will bring both our worlds together.
* * * * * *
(As the Fraggles continued marching, we see Red bouncing all around the parade shouting, “WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!”)
GOBO: Red, control yourself! You’re gonna waste all your energy!
RED: I can’t help it! I just know we Fraggles are gonna win this thing!
WEMBLEY: Gobo, I’m so nervous. What if I wemble during my event and mess up?
GOBO: Don’t worry, Wembley. Just tell yourself, there is no such word as wemble in the dictionary.
MOKEY (holding a dictionary): He’s right, Wembley. It’s nowhere in the W pages.
WEMBLEY: Wow, the word wemble really doesn’t exist! Oh no! Then that means I don’t exist either! AAAAHH!
RED: Gee, Wembley. I’ll bet you’d win a panic event for sure.
BOOBER: If there is a panic event, can I enter? That’s my specialty.
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Look what’s coming into the stadium next! A guy in a huge fur coat!
LEWIS: No, he’s just Bear.
NEWSMAN: No he isn’t. He’s wearing a coat!
LEWIS: Please don’t start up that joke. It’s only funny when that first bear told it all those years ago. I can still hear it on that Muppet Show record album my nephews keep playing over and over again!
NEWSMAN: And it looks like some kind of petting zoo is following him.
LEWIS: No, it’s just our final team, The Big Blue House team with their captain, Bear. Along with his friends, Tutter the Mouse, Ojo the Bear Cub, Pip and Pop Otters, Treelo the Lemur, and Doc Hog.
* * * * * *
(And we see Bear and his Big Blue House friends marching into the stadium while Bear is holding a flag with a crayon drawing of the big blue house.)
BEAR: Sniff, sniff, sniff.
OJO: What is it bear?
TUTTER: Do you smell something?
BEAR: Why, yes I do. Tutter, can you hold this flag for me please? I’ll be right back.
TUTTER: Sure bear, WOAAAAH! (Tutter tries to keep his balance while holding the gigantic flag.)
(Bear rushes over to the front row of the audience and starts to sniff a man.)
MAN: He’s gonna eat me!
BEAR: Oh no. I don’t eat people! I just want to sniff you all. WHIFF! Have you been eating corndogs? Because that’s what you smell like.
(The guy just sits there paralyzed. Then Bear starts whiffing a guy next to him.)
BEAR: And you’ve been eating French Fries. WHIFF! With cheese! And let’s see. SNIFF, SNIFF. You sir, just had some onion rings, you madam had a strawberry milkshake, and you little girl had fudge ripple ice cream. Oh what wonderful smells you all have!
(Then Bear goes over and sniffs Waldorf and Statler.)
STATLER: Oh great! We’re being bugged by different bear!
WALDORF: At least the first bear we all know and torment just threw bad jokes at us. What this guy’s doing isn’t really sanitary!
BEAR: Tell me. Are you two gentlemen wearing Old Spice?
STATLER: I am. But Waldorf’s just OLD TWICE! HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Waldorf just bops Statler in the face causing Statler’s mouth to cover his nose.)
BEAR: Uh, I think I’d better go. (And Bear covers his own nose fearing Waldorf might hit it also.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: It looks like all four teams have entered the stadium. Now it’s time for the national anthems. Everyone please rise.
NEWSMAN: And singing the national anthem for each team is our favorite crooner, Johnny Fiama.
(Johnny Fiama steps up onto a podium with a mike in his hand.)
* * * * * *
JOHNNY: Hey there all you cool sports cats. And now I will sing the national anthems for The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Big Blue House. If I only knew how each song goes. SAL!!!!
SAL: (Running in with some papers.) Coming Johnny! Here’re the songs for each team.
JOHNNY: Thank’s Sal. (And he straightens his tie and clears his throat. Then looks at the notes and starts to sing.)
JOHNNY: Sunny Blue House! It’s time to sweep the Fraggles away! Put on make up on the small mouse! We’re Gobo, Mokey, Pillows full of fluff here, RED! Can you tell me how to get things started on the most sensational, worries for another day, the Big Blue Muppet Show! Down at Sesame Rock!
(The whole audience looked confused and so does the 4 teams on the field.)
BOOOOOOO! Shouted the audience.
WALDORF: What kind of national anthem was that?
STATLER: The anthem that makes you want to defect to another nation.
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
JOHNNY: But it isn’t my fault! I was just reading the stuff that was given to me. Wait a minute!
(Johnny looks at papers and noticed that all words were mixed up and smudged together.)
JOHNNY: Sal! What is this? It looks like someone wrote all the songs on one whole paper. They’re all smudged together into one big mix-up!
SAL: Sorry, Johnny! I guess my printer acted up again.
(The audience starts throwing food at Johnny.)
JOHNNY: No! Not my 2000 dollar suit!
SAL: Get behind me, Johnny! I’ll protect you!
(Johnny, quickly steps away with Sal in front of him, taking all the ketchup, mustard, soda, egg, ice cream, and rotten fruit hits.)
SAL: That’s it you jerks! If you wanna hit Johnny, you’re gonna have to hit me first! Gimme your best shots! Especially your banana flavored foods!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: It looks like the audience has just started their own event. Rotten food tossing.
LEWIS: While our ushers try to keep the crowd calm, we’ll be going to a commercial break.
* * * * * *
(Commercials happen.)
* * * * * *
We'll see how each team does and who wins in future chapters. 
