A Nest Divided: A Sam the Eagle Story

[Slackbot]

I would pay good money to see Wayne and Wanda get smacked by a giant hammer. Just sayin'.

 

[newsmanfan]

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GREAT song choices! I felt a little mushy, actually, with "awwww" at the thought of Thog doing a sweet sort of ballet to "Maybe I'm Amazed." And "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is one of my all-time fave Beatles tunes! Hilarious!

*queuing up with Slackbot to pay money for hammer-smackdown tickets*

And is Sam assuming his son will be taking over the manager's job in one season? *trying to picture Sam even shopping at New Seasons* Er...he spends a lot of time in the bran aisle, I'm guessing...
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[charlietheowl]

Chapter Seven​

​

"Where's the remote control? I thought I left it on my desk. Do you know where it is ?"​

​

"Maybe it's next to the television," said Rowlf, not bothering to lift his eyes off the computer in front of him, as he furiously tapped his fingers against the keyboard.​

​

Sam turned on the television, scrolling up the channels until he reached CSPAN-3. "Well, I don't know how the remote got there, Rowlf, perhaps somehow touched it who shouldn't have."​

​

"You got me, Sam."​

​

"Now I have to watch James K. Polk Revisited, so please try to keep things at a low volume."​

​

Sam pulled out his legal pad and attentively sat in front of the panel discussion, writing notes and nodding in assent when one of the fossilized historians made a point he agreed with. Rowlf still furiously typed on his computer, only pausing sporadically to look up and contemplate his train of thought.​

​

The incessant typing began to grate on Sam's nerves. "Do you mind? I am trying to enrich myself, but you are seemingly trying to pollute the room with as much noise as possible."​

​

"Sorry, Sam but I really-"​

​

"I accept your apology."​

​

Rowlf rolled his eyes and went back to work as Sam continued his enraptured viewing, but soon the typing resumed. Sam's patience was extremely thin at this point, and he wheeled around towards Rowlf again.​

​

"Do you mind! I don't know why you continue to rail against this discussion, unless you a staunch member of the Whig party and oppose the policies of the late President Polk, but your inane noise is interfering with me. Please take your business elsewhere so I can focus on something truly worthwhile."​

​

Rowlf sighed. "I'm sorry, Sam, but this is the quietest room available for me to work in and I need to finish this plan before Monday afternoon."​

​

"Plan? What plan? Did someone get arrested again?"​

​

"A lesson plan."​

​

"Lesson plan?" Sam was incredulous.​

​

"Yes, a lesson plan. Remember the music program we started last year at the School for the Gifted and Talented Monsters?"​

​

"What about it? Did one of those young punky monsters get in trouble again? I always knew they were up to no good over there, but you guys wouldn't listen."​

​

"No one's in trouble. The music teacher at the after-school program is having a child, and when her replacement fell through, they asked me to step in."​

​

"Really? What happened to the replacement?"​

​

"She lost her voice cheering at a Yanni concert. Seems he really works those crowds into a frenzy."​

​

"My goodness! It's good that we didn't have one of those wild groupie women so close to the impressionable minds of the young! But Rowlf, are you qualified for this sort of job? They need an educated mind to help them out."​

​

Rowlf slid off his seat, and shuffled through some boxes in his closet, finally pulling out a small, carefully preserved envelope, giving it to Sam.​

​

Sam slowly pulled out the contents, which turned out to be an ornately printed paper, reading:​

​

The regents of the ​

University of Tennessee​

have conferred upon​

Rowlf T. Dog​

a Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education​

and a Master's Degree in Music​

given at Knoxville​

on the tenth of May,​

on the year nineteen hundred and seventy five.​

​

"I had some lean years before I met up with Kermit, and I didn't know if I could make it with music. I knew my heart was with the piano, but I needed to have a back-up plan. Tickling the ivories and howling the blues at the diner didn't always pay the bills. I may be a dog, but I didn't want to have to beg for a living."​

​

"Did you ever teach?"​

​

"I was looking for a job when I met up with Kermit, and you know what happened after that."​

​

"But still, do you think you can teach those rowdy children?"​

​

"I'll do my best, plus I won't be the only person there. They have classroom aids, and plus I might call in for some help. You said Hillary was a teaching student, right? I'm sure she'd be willing to help."​

​

Sam cut Rowlf off instantly. "She's busy at the grocery store. Too many shifts."​

​

"I'll have to ask her next time I see her."​

​

"I can assure you she's too busy for that sort of thing."​

​

Rowlf gave a knowing smile. "Sam, I will get an answer from her directly. You are not Hillary last time I checked. Your voice is too deep, plus I've never seen you in a skirt." He chuckled to himself as he left the room.​

​

Sam shook his head. It was enough to have his children living under the same roof as the Muppets, but to have one of them work with them? It might set Hillary down the wrong track again. He vowed to not let this happen.​

​

*******​

"All right guys! Great day today at the store! Time for our post-shift meeting."​

​

The Four Seasons Market had just closed for the day, and only needed to be swept up before everyone could leave. However, owner and omnipresent manager Alexander found it important to see how his employees were after every shift. Morale was kept at a high at the Four Seasons Market, even if the employees didn't really want to be happy.​

​

Today's employees were a sleepy-eyed ostrich, a young and rather angry ram, and the Eagle twins. Alexander had covered meeting with the rest of the employees earlier.​

​

"How was today, guys? Let's hear it- don't hold back on my account."​

​

The ram launched into a diatribe, letting out his words in barely controlled blurts.​

​

"I don't know who those people were that came in the party bus today, but they were terrible! Terrible! Knocking over displays, jumping onto shelves, trying to cook the food in front of me! They belonged in a zoo, not this store."​

​

"Oh, those people! They're the Muppets! You don't watch television?"​

​

"Television is the opiate of the masses."​

​

"Some people like opiates! But they weren't all bad. They bought a lot of deli meats, which brought in a lot of money."​

​

The ram wasn't done. "This one guy, he was dressed in some sort of chef suit, he didn't like how thin I cut his salami, so he came back around and tried to seize control of the slicer. I had to fend him off by smacking him in the back of the head with a slab of Muenster cheese."​

​

"But he bought three pounds of salami! We can't be beating up our special customers, now can we?"​

​

Andrew chimed in. "I had a minor problem stocking the Slim Jim display by the meat section."​

​

"What happened?"​

​

"Animal kept jumping on top of the display every time I set it back up. We went back and forth fourteen different times before Floyd and Janice distracted him with a box of Toasted Almond bars."​

​

"Well, did you get the display stocked?"​

​

Andrew blushed. "Animal took the display with him when he left. I think Hillary charged Floyd 12 dollars for it."​

​

"Twelve-fifty to be exact."​

​

"Look at that! Extra profit margin! Way to make the best out of a bad situation!"​

​

The ram erupted again in a huff of fury. "And don't get me started about what happened when you had me man the bakery. This big old monster…I don't know what his name was…Sweetly…Sweetums…whatever…he wanted a bag of iced sugar cookies."​

​

"What's wrong with that? Who wouldn't want our deliciously iced, scrumptiously baked, fairly priced sugar cookies?"​

​

"He couldn't decide which ones he wanted! He had this little frog on his shoulder, and they went back and forth. 'How about the red one? Gee, the blue one looks good? What about the white icing? Are those flowers on that one? I really like those icing designs, don't you? Did you make those designs? Can I talk to whoever made those designs?' I wanted to knock them over with a bag of flour!"​

​

"Oh that Sweetums! He loves his iced cookies!"​

​

"Arrgh! I'm going out for a smoke!" The ram stomped outside, fuming all the way.​

​

"Gosh, if there was only some way we could harness his anger and turn it into something more positive for our store. Maybe he should be moved to customer service."​

​

Hillary raised her hand. "Alexander, you need to cash a check for the store from Gonzo."​

​

"I'll just bring it to the bank after I'm done here."​

​

"I'm afraid it won't be that easy."​

​

"What do you mean?"​

​

Hillary moved to her checkout line, and pulled out a watermelon that had been sitting on her seat.​

​

"See, he was out of checks, so he wrote the check on the watermelon. Evidently it's legal tender if you use the right check number."​

​

Sure enough, in neat cursive, the watermelon read "Forty-five dollars and 23/100 cents, payable to Four Seasons Market, endorsed by Gonzo The Great, check number 1678."​

​

"Gosh, that Gonzo! Such a trickster! This must have been one of his art pieces."​

​

"He wants the watermelon back when he's done, so he can use it in his all-fruit reproduction of the finale of Thoroughly Modern Millie. Evidently that watermelon just screams Millie."​

​

"I love the theatre!"​

​

Any further discussion of the theatre or preforming watermelons was interrupted by audible snoring from the ostrich.​

​

"Ferdinand! Ferdinand! Wakey-wakey!"​

​

He snapped awake. "Wha? Huh? Am I still on break? Where are all those chickens who were here earlier?"​

​

"You passed out there for a second. I guess you worked too hard today! "​

​

"Okay, thanks? Can I go back on break now?"​

​

"Sure!"​

​

Ferdinand laid out on one of the checkouts and fell asleep, causing much confusion.​

​

"What is he doing?" asked Andrew.​

​

"He lives here. He has such trouble staying awake sometimes that I just decided he would do a better job if he combined where he worked and lived, so that way he wouldn't fall asleep while driving anymore. That caused a bit of a traffic problem last summer."​

​

"He fell asleep at the wheel?" yelled Hillary. "That's awful! A car could do real damage in that case."​

​

"He drove a Vespa, so it wouldn't have been that bad. They're very light-weight."​

​

"How does that make a difference?"​

​

Before Alexander could answer, the ram barged back into the store, in the middle of a rant that had started outside.​

​

"…and that pig! I asked her if she wanted the low-sodium macaroni salad, and she just about wrung my neck! The nerve! I swear, if these people are famous like you say, then there is no hope for television! It's just a vast wasteland! Thank goodness I stuck with my books! Books are the only real thing in this world today!"​

​

Andrew leaned over to Hillary while Alexander showed the ram their newest selection of magazines in hopes that one of them would be to his liking.​

​

"You'd think Dad wouldn't have let us work here if it was so strange."​

​

"Either that or the Muppet Theater is even crazier than this."​

​

********************​

Coming up in Chapter Eight: Dress rehearsals in the Muppet Theater, and Robin needs help with his homework.​

​

 

[newsmanfan]

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LOLOLOL

Some people like opiates! It was a Vespa! Yanni groupies!

LOLOLOLOL

Honestly I can't do a real critique for this now. I'm still laughing.
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[The Count]

Wait... The ram smokes cigarettes? And he complains about opiates rotting other people's minds? Sheesh, there's always a hypocrit out there. Maybe he needs to get some anger management classes for that boiling Scottish temper of his.

Nice touch with Rowlf's credentials. Good reference to his roots as how he started with Kermit.

*Laughs at how the Muppets attacked the Four Seasons.
Yes, a check drawn up on a watermelon's legit, so long as it can be cashed with the proper checki and checking account numbers. Heck, you can write a check on anything and it's still legit if it has that info.

Thanks for the update, hope to read more soon.

 

[charlietheowl]

Thanks for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it.

I also picked the University of Tennessee for Rowlf because their mascot is a dog. Rowlf appreciates that sort of thing.

 

[AlittleMayhem]

I always knew Rowlf had a degree of some sort. Loved the interactions between the angry ram and the annoyingly chipper Alexander. Sam's probably not gonna be pleased when he realizes the Muppets are regular customers...

 

[newsmanfan]

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UT actually has a kickbutt performing arts program (well, the one at UT-Knoxville does...they used to beat us every year at SETC. *insert unprintable word*)

This is perfect comedy, perfect characters. Keep at it is all I ask!

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[charlietheowl]

A quick note: This week's chapter will be postponed until next Monday because it's not finished yet. There is too much I want to feature in the rehearsal scene, and I don't want to cut it short.

Stay tuned for plenty of absurdity next Monday!

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Oh, I really like this story! You write the muppets so well, including plenty of banter and random sillyness remoniscent of a certain Miss Lisa, (Together Again), who as you may or may not know, earned the title queen of fanfiction.
There's much to say, which I'm a bit tired to be specific about right now, but here's an observation from the very beginning of the story. At first I wondered at the easy friendship between Sam and Rowlf, as Sam usually seems to have some level of disdain for all of them. Then I figured, well, he and Kermit seemed to be chatting nicely in the Sam's family clip, and of all of them, Kermit and Rowlf are probably the 2 most reserved and dignified muppets on the show, so if anyone, Sam would be closest to them.