When Fozzie Lost His Funny

[MarkFraggle]

Well consider me nudged. I'll see what I can do about getting the next chaper up post haste.


(Although telling me I get to have muffins if I fail to do so is not what I would consider solid motivation ... )

 

[Java]

There's always the penguin cannon that they have too...

 

[MarkFraggle]

Chapter Two

Fozzie was a confused bear. He wasn't sure why he'd walked out of the theater, he wasn't sure where he was going, and most of all, he wasn't sure why he felt as crummy as he did. There weren't many times in the typically upbeat bear's life when he didn't feel like being funny, but this was certainly one of them. He just knew he wouldn't have been able to face a live audience tonight; his self esteem was low enough without those two old geezers taking shots at it. He sighed a very small, very sad sigh and slowly undid his polka-dotted kerchief, letting it fall to the ground as it slid off his neck. Fozzie turned and trudged off in the direction of the small apartment he'd been renting since the most recent Muppet Boarding House had been blown up by Doctor Bunsen. When he arrived he couldn't help but notice how very empty the place felt. In an effort to hide from the loneliness, Fozzie climbed in bed and tried to fall asleep.

It took a very long time.

* * * * * * * *​

Pepe had kept his promise of silence excellently -- for almost an hour. In his defense, this was far longer than anyone could really expect Pepe to keep a secret, and by his typical standards he had done quite well. It happened like this ...

Things had gone very poorly for the Muppet Theater troop in the short time since Fozzie had departed. Despite their best efforts, Kermit and Clifford were unable to line up a guest on such short notice. As the clock ticked away towards showtime, Kermit was forced to improvise. The band struck up their tune, and when his cue hit, Kermit dashed out on stage.

"Thank you all for joining us tonight for a very ... uh ... unique performance here at the Muppet Theater! I'd like you all to join me in welcoming our very ... erm ... special guest star ...... the Hat rack! Yaaaaaaaay!" Kermit gulped heavily and ran off the stage, waving for the curtain to be raised. As soon as it was up, he ducked under his desk and covered his eyes.

The hat rack stood on stage, wearing a German army hat circa 1940s. The audience stared at the hat rack, entirely unsure of what was going on.

The hat rack stood. The audience stared.

The hat rack, feeling a bit nervous, changed into a summer bonnet.

The hat rack stood. The audience stared.

The hat rack tried out a cowboy hat.

The hat rack stood. The audience stared.

By now, the hat rack was quite concerned and getting just a bit panicky. It tried on several hats in rapid succession. A baseball cap. An astronaut helmet. A top hat. A propeller beanie.

The hat rack stood. The audience stared.

"I love it!" shouted Statler unexpectedly.

"Fantastic!" echoed Waldorf appreciatively.

The audience and all cast and crew members within sight stared in open disbelief at the elderly gentlemen in the balcony. The hardest critics of the show, the geezers who took every chance to ridicule the performers and point out failures, loved THIS?

"You love it?" ventured Nigel from the pit.

"Yeah!" the two yelled in unison.

"The longer this hat rack stands on the stage and does nothing ... " started Statler.

"... the less we have to see of the usual chumps!" finished Waldorf, as the two dissolved into a fit of guffaws.

With that, the curtain whisked shut while Kermit frantically searched backstage for another act. "Cue the Swedish Chef!" he shouted.

A muffled response came from a nearby dressing room.

"I don't care if he doesn't have any recipes ready," Kermit responded quickly. "Just give him whatever food you can find nearby and get him out there! Now!"

After a few seconds of frantic running and searching, the Swedish Chef was hustled onstage with a motley assortment of scrounged foodstuffs. The Chef wasn't very worried, however, because he was a professional. When the curtain went up, he became a showman.

Kermit was glad for the act, but he didn't have time to watch any of it as he consulted his clipboard for anything he could send out next. "Cue Fozzie Be... " he started to shout before his memory caught up with him. "Oh goody," he muttered. "What're we going to do for the comedy spot?"

"I will do the comedies, hokay?" announced Pepe, surprising Kermit for the second time that evening. "I want to do this, Kermin. I want to help my friend Fozzie Bear, hokay?" the little prawn declared valiantly.

"Um, I don't think that's a very good idea, Pepe," replied Kermit. "Remember what happened last time you tried to fill in for Fozzie?"

"Are you saying I cannot do the comedies, Kermin? Are you saying Pepe is not funny?"

"Well no, Pepe, it's just that... "

As they argued, a small blur of fur shot past them, grabbed the pull cord for the curtain, and swung like Indiana Jones. Despite his small size, the force and speed with which he hit the cord managed to pull the curtain open, and as the momentum of his swing carried him out over the stage he let go, dropping neatly into the spotlight.

Kermit and Pepe stopped arguing and turned toward the stage. "Good grief," said Kermit. "It's Bean."

Bean Bunny clutched his hat nervously in front of him with both hands. He knew he wasn't stand-up comedian material, but he just had to help Kermit. He'd seen Kermit plenty worried lots of times, but rarely did the frog look as upset as he did tonight. Bean couldn't just stand by and let him worry like that, and so he had rushed into action.

"Um, Hi everybody!" Bean started cheerfully. Unfortunately, he barely got further than that before the booing began. Try as he might, Bean just wasn't a comedian.

Kermit cringed backstage as he listened to Bean get heckled. He wasn't sure how much longer the little bunny could take it, as Statler and Waldorf really laid it on.

"Hey, this guy makes the bear look good!" shot Statler.

"Yeah," called Waldorf. "And all this time we thought the bear was the worst comedian alive. I guess we owe him an apology. It turns out he was only the second worst!"

"Bring back the bear!" shouter Statler. "Wait a minute ... did I really just say that?"

"Bring back the bear!" agreed a bemused Waldorf.

Kermit was visibly bothered by the attacks on Bean, and Pepe was shaking with barely controlled rage. it takes very little rage to fill up a body as small as his, after all. When he could take it no longer, Pepe rushed on stage to defend Bean.

"Hey, you guys leave him alone, hokay?" Pepe demanded angrily. "He is just wanting to help his friend Fozzie, although you probably know nothings about helping friends, hokay!"

"If he wanted to help all of us, he'd stay off the stage!" shouted Statler gleefully, and the two began guffawing once again.

"It is not his fault Fozzie is not here, hokay. Fozzie is having very personal problems. This is why Bean is here, hokay?"

"Like what?" asked Waldorf.

"Did he finally realize he can't tell jokes?" suggested a chuckling Statler.

"He can tell the jokes, hokay! He just wishes he had a girlfriend. You would understand this, if you were young enough to remember what it was like being with the womens, hokay!"

"A GIRLFRIEND!?" roared Statler and Waldorf in unison as they nearly fell off the balcony laughing.

"That's the funniest thing I've heard all day," said Statler.

"All month," added Waldorf.

"All year!" challenged Statler.

"All decade! All CENTURY!" they declared together as they gasped for breath between fits of laughter.

Pepe looked up to see the entire audience laughing along with them, and the realization of what he'd just done settled in around him.

"Pepe, you have done a very bad thing," he said to himself. "Very, very bad, hokay?"

 

[redBoobergurl]

The hat rack!!! I think I laughed for a good five minutes over that scene! I could just picture it! And poor Kermit coming out to announce a Hat Rack! That was great! Ooh, Pepe, you're in trouble now. Poor Fozzie. I want to give him a hug.

This was another great chapter Mark! Thanks for the update! Course, the other rule here is one is never enough, so of course I'm going to ask for more when you get a chance.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Yes, even though I think that's a bit dusty now, no reason you couldn't pull it out again. Don't forget Beth's supersoakers... Yes Mark, you may think she's really sweet and brilliant, but watch out!
*wink* Just kidding Beth!
Oh my goodness Mark, let me first say that you are absolutely brilliant! To be honest, I wasn't quite sure wwhat to expect from an author I had never heard of, but you certanly put any doubts out of my mind for good! You are very hilarious, and perfectly in character, as Beth said before.
Second, I would like to extend/push the invitation to stick around! You would make a wonderful addition to our forum, and you already saw some of it, so you should have somewhat of an idea whether you like it or not. I've seen so many good authors stop here to delite us with their fanfics, never to return again. I don't want you to be one of them! Have you visited the introductions thread yet yet?

Talk to you later,
Kate

 

[Java]

Wonderful, an absolutely delightful chapter. Statler and Waldorf - classic!

And I'll chime in with the don't leave us please!

 

[MarkFraggle]

Thanks guys, I'll do my best on the whole not leaving thing.

Except for next week. I won't be here next week, because I'll be on my honeymoon. But that isn't permanent leaving ... just temporary. I promise.

You guys are fun. Hopefully I'll be around plenty long enough to get to know you all. Yay!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Somebody's getting married! Congratulations! I hope to read more of this wonderful story before you go, but as a newlywed myself, totally understand that life is probably crazy for you right now!

 

[MarkFraggle]

Actually got married ... July 28. Honeymoon delayed for a myriad of reasons.

And I DEFINITELY whistled that song all morning before my wedding.

And definitely more story coming before I leave.

 

[Java]

Best wishes on you marriage and enjoy the honeymoon. Can't wait for the next chapter