I'm always so nervous if someone'll like my stuff or not.
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EPISODE TWO
A TRAVEL TO A DESOLATE PLACE
And now…PIGS IN SPACE! Starring the incomparable Captain Link Hogthrob; the daunting and dainty First Mate Miss Piggy; and the unexplainable Dr. Julius Strangepork.
When Last We Left The Crew Of The Swinetrek, They Were Preparing For A Mission.
“This mission is being prepared for,” Capt. Hogthrob said as he stood with pen and paper, reading over the checklist, “Have we got all our supplies on board, Private Pighead?”
“Indeed, Captain,” Private Pighead responded. Pighead had an oval shaped head, much wider in his jowls, and he had a slightly sleepy look to his eyes, not unlike the eyes of his Captain. “Only a matter of a few minutes before we’re fully stocked and the Swinetrek will be ready for blast-off.”
“Good,” said the Captain, looking around. “Who’s got the paper towels?”
First Mate Miss Piggy had walked over and stood next to Capt. Link as some of the privates boarded the Swinetrek carrying her load of supplies.
“What is that, First Mate Piggy?” asked the Captain in his deep, breathy voice.
“Oh,” Miss Piggy began, “That is just moi’s important supplies: hair spray, shampoo, blush, beauty cream, zit removers…”
“Mm-hmm,” began Capt. Hogthrob. “Should I help them to be sure they have all of that on board? We wouldn’t want you caught without any of that.”
“Of course not, mon capitan!” Then, it began to dawn on her, “Waitaminnit! What are you trying to say?”
Dr. Strangepork walked up with his student, Craniac, who was studying to become the Science Officer aboard one of the other research ships. Craniac was much shorter than any of the pigs (he was not a pig and that made him exceptional to the entire Swinefleet), and was odd-looking in that his head looked like a Jell-O mold, or a brain with a mouth. However, since an infant when Dr. Strangepork found him abandoned on a lone planet, he had grown up around the pigs and they all welcomed him as one of their own.
“After doing further research, it is my inclination that we will travel first at 40 degrees from the Northwest at turbo-light speed until we reach Pukebia Sector,” Strangepork announced. “Once there, we should be within distance to contact their leader, talk him into being more peaceful, and then book it back home!”
“Mm-hmm,” Hogthrob responded, “sounds like a plan to me!”
“Oh, brother!” Miss Piggy snorted, “You’re the Captain! You should make the plans and decisions.”
“Rightly so, First Mate Miss Piggy,” announced Captain Hogthrob. “We’ll do what he said.”
Miss Piggy buried her face in her hands, “How’d I end up with these weirdoes?”
“After all,” Link continued, “he is Navigation Officer.”
Strangepork looked at Piggy and smiled, and she mocked a smile back at him then walked away, throwing her hair back over her shoulder.
“Everybody: On board the Swinetrek!” called Captain Hogthrob, walking up the plank and into the mouth of the ship followed by the crew and supplies. “Next stop: Pukebia!”
“No,” said Strangepork. “Next stop: potty break! We have a long trip ahead of us!”
And so it was. The crew of the Swinetrek had used the bathroom, boarded and prepared for take-off. With a blast of fire from the jets, the Swinetrek rose from the ground and flew toward the skies.
"This part always makes me nervous," First Mate Piggy announced.
"Why is that, Miss Piggy?" asked Dr. Strangepork.
"Look who's driving!"
"Who?" asked Capt. Link.
"Obviously," Miss Piggy began, "the 'missing Link!'"
Piggy and Strangepork laughed it up as Link thought about it, but obviously missed the joke. Into space they flew, reaching the outer edge of orbit of Styopia.
"Engage hyperspace when ready, Captain," Strangepork said.
Captain Link looked at a button on the control panel in front of him, "Oh, Light speed, will you marry me?" Then, he burst into a round of laughter. "Get it?!"
“Oh, you’re such a ham, Link!” Dr. Strangepork laughed, but Miss Piggy frowned at the joke, "Got it, but don't want it. Get going, sausage brains."
A warning was issued for everyone on board the Swinetrek to take his or her seats, or hold on for dear life, due to the oncoming hyperspace speed, and then the button was pressed. In a flash of light, the Swinetrek was out of sight.
Back at the home base on Styopia, Gen. Kenn was watching the radar screens after the Swinetrek took off. "What are those idiots doing?! That's their OLD course! They're supposed to be going the other way! Turn them around!!"
"Attention Swinetrek Crew," the soldier said into a microphone, "you are going opposite the correct course of direction, please turn your ship 90 degrees to your right."
They watched the little blip on the radar begin making a turn--a very WIDE turn as it would be at light speed--and then the blip disappeared.
"Where's the ship?" asked General Bay Kenn.
"Come in, Swinetrek," called the soldier. "Come in, Captain Link Hogthrob."
On board the Swinetrek, screams galore burst forth from First Mate Miss Piggy as the ship began making a turn at the hands of Captain Hogthrob.
"What are you doing, pork loin?!" she screamed.
"You heard home base, Miss Piggy," Link said. "They told us to turn."
"I'd like to point out, Captain, that this turn is very dangerous for this speed!" reported Dr. Strangepork. "Going so far off course, we could wreck into a comet or meteor, or even a planet! Oy! Should we hit another planet it could be misconstrued as an attack--we're talking about interplanetary war here, Captain."
"It's okay, Dr. Strangepork," the Captain said in his deep breathy voice. "I'll take full responsibility for it."
“Captain,” Julius said, “if we wreck into a planet you’ll be Spam!”
"LOOK OUT!" Shouted Miss Piggy.
Sure enough, they were headed straight for a planet, and there was only enough time for Hogthrob to lower the "steering thingy" causing the ship to miss the planet.
"Are you drinking?" shouted Miss Piggy.
"No, I'm fine," said the Captain. "I don't know what you're screaming about. Dr. Strangepork is doing just fine."
But, upon inspection, fear had caused Dr. Strangepork to pass out.
Miss Piggy rolled her eyes, "He's out cold, Link."
"Well, at least he isn't yelling at me."
"Well, what do you expect me to do?! You're turning off course at light-speed, ding-dong! You'd scream, too, if I did it!"
"Of course I would! There's no need for you to be driving this ship or sit in my seat."
"Never mind," growled Miss Piggy. She began to run her fingers through her hair to get it back in place.
Dr. Strangepork began to wake up, "Oh, what happened?"
Miss Piggy quickly pointed at Link, "That did."
Soon enough, the ship began slowing down, and the Swinetrek was further off course than any of them thought they were. They began passing some planets that weren't on the charts, so, being the crew which normally researches the unknown territories of space, they diverted from their mission and landed on a planet with bluish gray rock and a red sky. They had seen some scurrying creatures below, and decided there must be breathable air here.
The mouth of the Swinetrek opened and Link, Piggy, and Strangepork all walked out onto the rocky planet.
"Odd sort of place, isn't it?" Link asked. "Look at all the golf ball holes."
"Indeed!" agreed Strangepork.
"Those aren't golf ball holes, you twit! They're craters." Miss Piggy snapped.
"Craters?" Link asked.
"Yeah," she responded, "Like the one in your head."
"Oh," the Captain answered.
"LOOK!" shouted Strangepork, pointed to a pink, cone headed creature with blue eyes that was watching them, then disappeared into a crater.
"AAHH!" Miss Piggy shouted. "Don't let it mess up my hair!"
"It's only looking at us, you two," said the Captain, soothingly.
Then, another head popped up closer to them and shouted, "Merdlidop!"
"AAHHH! Don't let it mess up my hair," shouted the Captain.
"Can it, Hogthrob!" Miss Piggy exclaimed after watching the pink creatures. "They only seem to be staying in those craters there."
"Don't fear, Captain! I have the Disolvotron!" Said Julius, referring to a gun he invented that would make the intended targets dissolve into thin air.
Then, across the field of stone, they saw two creatures--one which was red with a long nose (a female by her voice), and the other a fat ball of orange which screamed out some kind of mating call "Galley Oh Hoop Hoop". The female screeched out with a laughing sound and then the two creatures ran full-forced into one another, followed by a great explosion, and a single little mix of the prior two remaining in the spot. They had made a baby, a small red creature with scales and wide-open eyes.
"Oh! I know where we are now,” Strangepork announced excitedly. "We are on Koozebane."
"Is that a little like wolf bane?" Link asked, poking his thumb in his mouth, "I don't want to meet any witches!"
"Greetings, travelers," came a voice from behind, causing all three leaders of the Swinetrek to jump and yelp.
"Don't DO that!" Said the Captain.
"Welcome to Koozebane,” came the voice, upon closer inspection was revealed to be a red fluid in a jar, with a face no less. "I am Spooble, and would like to invite you over to my place."
"Oh, how nice!" Said Miss Piggy.
"Granted, I'll need you to carry me,” said the Koozebanian Spooble. "I was once carried here to watch the shooting stars by a Foob, but he is a shape-shifter and ultimately turned himself into a rock. That's him over there, the blue rock, and he can't seem to turn himself back for some reason or other."
"Oh?" Strangepork picked up the rock. "I should like to study this rock, then. Perhaps we can help."
First Mate Piggy picked up the Spooble and carried him based on his directions. The Merdilidops seemed to be following them, popping up out of the craters like prairie dogs ever so often.
"What are those pink guys?" Miss Piggy asked the Spooble.
"Oh, they're the Merdlidops. They have a Queen named Phyllis,” said the Koozebanian Spooble. "The Merdlidops are not very numerous, and are near extinction."
"Why is that?" Asked Strangepork.
"Well, long ago we had a lush landscape that was unsurpassed by any other planet,” the Spooble explained. "All our nutrients were gathered into one area, in like an ocean, and it became a powerful fuel substance. Then, an army force came down and began to borrow some of our fuel, but ultimately attacked us. I used to be as solid as you all are now, but I was shot by some kind of ray that liquefied me, as were lots of others of my own tribe. Now, we all sit on a shelf in our house in jars."
"Oh, you poor dear,” Miss Piggy said, a tear coming out of her eye. "That's the most awful thing I've ever heard of."
"I'll say,” said the Captain. "How do you go to the bathroom?”
First Mate Piggy groaned, but Strangepork giggled.
"We survive, ma’am,” said the Spooble. “The only problem with the Merdlidops is that they are often blowing smoke from their heads. It’s kind of their means of protection. Scares some of the other Koozebanians away. They’re also very territorial."
Strangepork had called back to the ship to get some of the Technology and Science crew to exit the Swinetrek and collect some soil and rocks.
Once they neared the Spooble's home, a green wolf-like creature appeared from behind the stone abode.
"Look out!" Screamed Link.