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Finally finished it, having started it three months ago (if you think that's something, I have some that have sat much longer.)
For those of you who don't know, Ed Wynn was a legendary vaudevillian, radio star, and TV and film actor. He had his own radio show and a couple of TV shows in the 50s and late 40s, as well as taking serious roles such as guest spots on "The Twilight Zone", Army the boxing trainer in the original Playhouse 90 production of "Requiem for a Heavyweight" and his Oscar-nominated turn in "The Diary of Anne Frank".
For most of you, Ed Wynn will be remembered for his Disney connections, as the voice of the Mad Hatter in "Alice in Wonderland", and as Uncle Albert in "Mary Poppins".
Submitted for your approval:
Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Ed Wynn!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ED WYNN
STYLE: LATE SEASON ONE
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "Hey! Did you hear the one about the faith healer who canceled his world tour? HE GOT SICK! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!!! OHHH!
ED WYNN: in the Talk Spot set surrounded by Muppets
GONZO: takes a big swing at the 'O', but spins himself around backwards in the process and hits the 'O' with his head
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, and welcome friends to another Muppet Show. Ah, tonight's a special one because our guest star is one of the real legends of the entertainment world and one of the nicest people around, Mr. Ed Wynn. But, before we meet him, I'd like you to meet another of our friends, the daughter of Rosie O'Grady."
OPENING NUMBER: "The Daughter of Rosie O'Grady"- the Muppet rats in an old-timey Brooklyn number; they pop out of garbage cans, window boxes, and crates, and proceed to sing and dance.
Rat #1: (sings)
"Yesterday while out a-walkin',
I met a dear little girl
Somehow we started a-talkin';
My brain was all in a whirl
She said she came from Old Killarney
So I started in to quiz.
I got a surprise
That opened my eyes,
For who do you think she is?"
(Several rats are now visible.)
Rat #1:
"She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady
A regular old-fashioned girl
She isn't crazy for diamond rings
Silkens and satins and fancy things
She's just a sweet little lady
And when you meet her you'll see
Why I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady."
(Musical interlude. The rats dance. A housewife appears in a window and swats the rat dancing in her window box. Rats hang from flagpoles, rest in socks hanging on a clothesline. One does a balancing act on the clothesline but falls.)
Rat #1:
"I'm goin' to ask her to marry
I wonder what she will say."
Rat #2: (insidiously)
"I know that if you should tarry,
Someone will steal her away."
(First rat smacks second rat.)
Rat #1:
"I've got the ring to fit her finger
And if she will name the day
Imagine my pride
When she is my bride
And I hear the neighbors say-
(Spoken)
Take it, boys!"
All Rats:
"She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady
A regular old-fashioned girl
She isn't crazy for diamond rings
Silkens and satins and fancy things
She's just a sweet little lady
And when you meet her you'll see
Why I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady
Yes I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady!"
(Catgut pops up from inside one of the garbage cans, sleepily. The rats disappear again. Catgut looks around and, not seeing anything, goes back to sleep in the garbage can.)
Statler: "I loved it!"
Waldorf: (aside to camera)
"Heh, he also loves getting cavities filled!"
(Waldorf laughs silently.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit stands at his desk. Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie: "Hey Kermit, Kermit? What's this big closing number everyone keeps talking about?"
Kermit: "Oh, well Fozzie tonight, since Ed Wynn is the guest star, we're going to re-create one of his most famous movie scenes: the "I Love to Laugh" number from Mary Poppins."
Fozzie: "Oh, the one where everybody's laughing and flying all over the place?"
Kermit: "That's the one, Fozzie."
Fozzie: "Mm-hmm. How are you gonna do that?"
Kermit: "Oh, well Scooter has been working on it all week."
(Scooter enters.)
Kermit: "Scooter, how's it going?"
Scooter: "Great! Terrific! Yeah, we're using suspension wires. Gonzo is testing them now. I think we've got a winner on our hands!"
(Gonzo flies into view, on wires, and crashes into the wall.)
Scooter: "Well actually, now that you mention it..."
(Kermit grimaces and walks off. Scooter shrugs, and he and Fozzie both look at the camera.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Ah, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight has been a star of vaudeville, radio, film and television, and one of the most likeable people in show business. So now it is my privilege to introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, one of the great all-around entertainers, Mr. Ed Wynn."
SKETCH: Open on Gonzo & Muppy in their bed, same as the Twiggy episode. They have a lamp instead of a candle.)
Gonzo: "How do you like the new lamp, Muppy?"
(Muppy grabs the lamp in his mouth and throws it away. It's dark.)
Gonzo: "You could've just said something."
Ed: (O.S.) "Say, where are you fellas?"
Gonzo: "Oh, hi Ed!"
Ed: (O.S.) "Good thing I brought a candle."
(He lights it, off-screen, and enters the frame, setting down the candle.)
Ed: "Well, are you boys ready for a bedtime story?"
Gonzo: "Oh, you bet. What's the story?"
Ed: "This is a poem by A.A. Milne entitled Bad Sir Brian Botany. It goes like this."
(Fade to storybook set. Medieval harpsichord music plays in A minor, bridging the stanzas and lines. On a majestic bed lies Sweetums, slumbering. He awakens, wearing a helmet, and proceeds to put on his boots.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian had a battleaxe with great big boots on;
He went among the villagers and blipped them on the head.
On Wednesday and on Saturday,
But mostly on the latter day,
He called at all the villagers, and this is what he said:
(Sweetums goes from the bedroom portion of the set to the miniature village portion, where various Muppets are assembled.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(ting-ling)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(rat-tat)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-
Take that!- and that!- and that!"
(Camera cuts to Ed, who stands downstage left of the storybook set riser.)
Ed: "Sir Brian had a pair of boots with great big spurs on,
A fighting pair of which he was particularly fond.
On Tuesday and on Friday,
Just to make the streets look tidy,
He'd collect the passing villagers and kick them in the pond."
(Sweetums goes back to said miniature village and begins kicking the Muppets off of the riser into a tank below.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(sper-lash)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(sper-losh)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-
Is anyone else for a wash?"
(Sweetums goes back to his bedroom.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian woke one morning and he couldn't find his battleaxe;
He walked into the village in his second pair of boots.
He had gone a hundred paces,
When the street was full of faces,
And the villagers were round him with ironical salutes."
Man: "You are Sir Brian? Indeed!"
Woman: "You are Sir Brian? Dear, dear!"
Chicken: "You are Sir Brian, as bold as a lion?"
Frog: "Delighted to meet you here!"
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian went a journey, and he found a lot of duckweed"
(The Muppets shove Sweetums off the riser into the tank/pond.)
Ed: "They pulled him out and dried him, and they blipped him on the head."
(Back to the action, Sweetums is seated while the other Muppets club him.)
Ed: "They took him by the breeches, and they hurled him into ditches"
(Action is as read.)
Ed: (O.S.) "And they pushed him under waterfalls, and this is what they said"
Woman: "You are Sir Brian- don't laugh."
Nigel: "You are Sir Brian- don't cry."
Pig: "You are Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-"
All: "Sir Brian, the lion, good-bye!"
(Sweetums enacts the following action.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian struggled home again, and chopped up his battleaxe,
Sir Brian took his fighting boots, and threw them in the fire.
(Sweetums removes his helmet and puts on a derby, then takes a walking cane and puts a carnation on his lapel.)
Ed: (O.S.) "He is quite a different person now he hasn't got his spurs on,
And he goes about the village as B. Botany, Esquire."
(Sweetums walks through the mini-village set.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian? Oh, no!
I am Sir Brian? Who's he?"
(Sweetums walks down the stairs, to where Ed is standing.)
Sweetums: "I haven't got any title, I'm Botany-
Plain Mr. Botany (B)."
(Sweetums puts his arm around Ed as all the Muppets complete the tableau behind them. Music resolves to A major at the last chord. Applause)
Waldorf: "Ah, wonderful! Wonderful! That Ed Wynn is a terrific performer!"
Statler: "Oh yes! I remember seeing him back in vaudeville, on the bill with Leonard Kaiser."
Waldorf: "Leonard Kaiser? I don't remember him."
Statler: "He was the one who created the act where he would drink a glass of nitroglycerin, and then throw a lit match down his throat! Ed had to follow him."
Waldorf: "Boy, that must've been gruesome."
Statler: "Yeah, well Ed still had the last laugh- Kaiser only ever did his act ONCE!"
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit inquires to Scooter about his continuing progress. George the Janitor stands in the background, holding on to a rope suspended from the ceiling.
Kermit: "Scooter, I trust that you've solved the problem with the suspension wires now?"
Scooter: "Oh, absolutely boss! Yeah, it's much better now. George over there has got the other end of the rope."
Kermit: "And you're sure he's got control of it?"
Scooter: "Oh, positively!"
(The ropes goes up and takes George with it.)
Scooter: "Or it could be vice versa."
(Kermit grimaces again and makes another hasty exit.)
CURTAIN: Sam clears his throat.
Sam: "Right now it is my privilege to introduce the very appropriate singing duo of Wayne and Wanda, with their rendition of that great oldie, "Cecilia".
(mutters)
Oh, I hope she's not watching this."
WAYNE & WANDA: "Cecilia" (not the Simon & Garfunkel song)
(Curtain opens on Wayne & Wanda in a nighttime city set.)
Wayne (sings): "Does your mother know you're out Cecilia?"
(The purple monster, Miss Kitty from the Juliet Prowse episode, enters in the background and looks over Wanda. The monster comes closer to her.)
Wayne (sings): "Does she know that I'm about to steal ya?"
(The monster steals Wanda and carries her off stage. Wayne doesn't notice.)
Wayne (sings): "Oh my, when I-" (He turns around and notices, confused.)
PANEL: Kermit, Ed, Scooter, Bunsen, and Mildred are gathered as the intro music plays and the camera zooms in to Kermit.
Kermit: "Ah, time once again friends to RAISE the intellectual level of our program, and our topic for discussion this evening is: the energy crisis. Uh, tonight's panel consists of our resident scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew-"
(Bunsen waves with his fingers.)
Kermit: "Scooter the go-fer, his uncle owns the theater."
Scooter: "Hi Mom!"
Kermit: "Mildred Hockstedder, MA, MVP, BLT and LAPD."
Mildred: "Enchanted."
(Camera cuts to Ed.)
Kermit: "And our special guest panelist is Mr. Garson Munch, a retired engineer."
ED: "Greetings. My pleasure to be here."
Kermit: "Mr. Munch, how would you evaluate the severity of the energy crisis?"
ED: "Oh, it's pretty bad all right. You can really see the effect it has on people."
Mildred: "Oh, indeed. I didn't have enough energy to warm my electric curlers last week; it ruined my whole day."
Bunsen: "I think what's needed is an efficient, renewable source of power."
Scooter: "Couldn't we just use batteries?"
Bunsen: "Oh! Young man, do you know how many batteries it would take to heat an entire house?"
Scooter: "(Pauses) Um, twenty-five?"
(Everyone groans and starts talking at once.)
Kermit: "Okay, okay, we seem to be getting away from the subject at hand. The object is to discuss efficient, affordable alternative sources of energy."
Bunsen: "Well I once built a generator that ran on goat milk."
Everyone else: "HUH?!"
Bunsen: "Sure! The goat milk rushed against a paddlewheel, which in turn-"
Kermit: "Uh, excuse me, excuse me Dr. Honeydew, but doesn't that have the same effect as a hydroelectric generator powered by water?"
Bunsen: "Well, yes..."
Mildred: "I find that so much energy is wasted these days."
Ed: "Well Ma'am, I've got the energy if you've got Saturday night free!"
Mildred: "Oh, well I never. That's just the kind of wasted energy I was talking about."
(Ed looks dejected.)
Mildred: "(Beat) Uh, seven o'clock all right?"
Scooter (to Bunsen): "But how is it batteries wouldn't work? They power my radio just fine."
Bunsen (flustered): "Oh, young man, listen! To power anything larger than a radio, to power a whole city, you'd need a battery about a million times larger than the one in your little transistor radio!"
(Bunsen breathes deeply while Scooter sits silent for a moment.)
Scooter: "Well then, why doesn't somebody build a bigger battery?"
Bunsen (sits bolt upright): "Why, that's an excellent idea, lad!"
Scooter: "Uh, about how much battery juice do you think it'd need?"
Bunsen: "That's battery acid, son."
Kermit: "Uh, we are digressing, friends. We are straying from the topic. Now let's go back to our guest panelist. Uh Mr. Munch, what would be your solution to the energy crisis?"
ED: "Jumping jacks!"
Kermit: "I don't follow."
ED: "I do a set of them every morning when I wake up, and it gives me energy to last the whole day. If people would do jumping jacks when they get out of bed in the morning, then they'd have more energy!"
Kermit: "But, we were talking about a completely different kind of energy!"
ED: "We were?"
Kermit: "Of course! You of all people should know. You were an engineer!"
ED: "Sure, for the Mutual Railroad Company."
Kermit: "What?!"
(Ed puts on a railroad engineer's hat and pulls out a whistle. He blows the whistle.)
ED: "Board! All aboard!" (He starts listing train stops.)
Kermit: "This just couldn't get worse."
(We hear a train whistle and the low rumbling of train wheels as Kermit's eyes bulge in reaction. The sounds get louder.)
CRASH!
(A train comes through the Stage Right wall and onto the stage, in between the table and backdrop.)
Scooter (to Kermit): "It just got worse, boss."
Kermit: "Good grief. Ah, tune in next week, friends, when our topic for discussion will be the cancellation of our discussion panel spot, okay?"
(The closing panel music plays as everyone talks at once in the commotion, save for a beleaguered Kermit.)
(Statler & Waldorf are laughing.)
Waldorf: "Ah, that's the trouble with this show."
Statler: "What's that?"
Waldorf: "It never stays on TRACK!"
Statler: "OH HO HO HO HO HO!"
Waldorf: "Eh heh heh heh heh!"
Statler: "TRACK!"
Waldorf: "Track!"
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is at his desk when Bunsen enters.
Bunsen: "Excuse me, Mr. Kermit, but I couldn't help overhearing that you've been having some problems with the planned floatation in tonight's closing number."
Kermit: "Well, you heard right. That's the issue of the day."
Bunsen: "Well I might be able to help. I have an anti-gravity elixir here that should just do the trick."
Kermit: "Anti-gravity elixir? Does it work?"
Bunsen: "Tested and foolproof."
Kermit: "Foolproof is definitely what we need around here. How does it work?"
Bunsen: "Oh, that's the beauty of it. It's activated by laughter, just like in the movie."
Kermit: "That's wonderful. Can it do the same for props?"
Bunsen: "Oh yes."
Kermit: "How? Whoops!"
(Kermit accidentally spills it on his desk. His desk floats up into the air.)
Bunsen: "Actually it floats inanimate objects on impact."
(Bunsen does his trademark laugh and Kermit reacts to the camera.)
AT THE DANCE: begin with a shot of George and Mildred
Mildred: "My cousin is in his 60s, and now he's left his wife for a beautiful 25-year-old showgirl! I ask you, what kind of a life is THAT for a man of advanced years?"
George: "Has she got a friend?"
(Mildred glares at him. New shot, Lenny the Lizard with a female Whatnot)
Lenny: "What is it your husband does for a living?"
Woman: "Why, he's a litigator."
Lenny: "Oh, what a coincidence! My wife's an alligator!"
(New shot, Herman and shouting lady)
Shouting Lady: "I just couldn't believe it! There I was, on my vacation, minding my own business, didn't do a thing wrong, and they just threw me out of the tour group like a common criminal! And all because of a dumb sign!"
Herman: "Uh, what did the sign say?"
Shouting Lady: "'Avalanche area'."
(New shot of Animal and the red-haired Whatnot girl in pink sweater.)
Girl: "Animal, I don't think our relationship is working out."
Animal: "WHA?!"
Girl: "The insurance company is threatening to cut me off. Maybe we'd better break it off."
Animal: "BREAK IT OFF? AHH RIGHT!"
(Animal leans down and picks up a mallet. The girl screams and runs away, with Animal chasing after her. New shot of two Whatnots.)
Man: "Boy, your behavior tonight really shocked me. That's a side of you I've never seen before. I hope you haven't got any more surprises in store for me tonight."
(She turns into a strange creature.)
Woman(Creature): "Not anymore."
(Coda, fade out.)
UK SPOT: "When Irish Eyes are Smiling"- Rowlf & the Muppet dogs, dressed in old Irish garb and gathered around in a cozy den with a fireplace
Dogs: (singing)
"When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing."
Rowlf: (sings)
"When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay."
Dogs:
"And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away."
Rowlf:
"There's a tear in your eye,
and I'm wondering why,
For it never should be there at all."
Baskerville:
"With such power in your smile,
Sure a stone you'd beguile,
So there's never a teardrop should fall."
Rowlf:
"When your sweet lilting laughter's like some fairy song,
And your eyes twinkle bright as can be,
You should laugh all the while
and all other times smile,
And now smile a smile for me."
All Dogs: (they start crying, getting worse as the song goes along)
"When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away.
When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away."
TALK SPOT: Ed & Kermit sit, smiling.
Kermit: "You know Mr. Wynn, it's really a terrific honor to have you with us on the show tonight."
Ed: "Thank you Kermit. And please, call me Ed."
Kermit: "Oh okay. It's just a bit strange for me to be sitting here talking to someone who's seen the advent of radio and television, and was one of the original greats of vaudeville."
Ed: "Well, it's strange for me to be sitting here talking to a frog. In fact there are a lot of strange things about this place."
Kermit: "Oh, well you know, that really can't be helped."
Ed: "Oh no, no, that's not how I meant it. I like it here very much. Reminds me a lot of vaudeville."
Kermit: "Oh yeah? How does it remind you of vaudeville?"
Ed: "Well, you have a comedian whose jokes are as old as mine or older..."
Kermit: "Heh, you've got that right."
Ed: "Still the jokes are clean, that's important. Then there's Miss Piggy, who could've been a singer in vaudeville..."
Kermit: "OUR Miss Piggy?"
Ed: "You didn't have to be good, you just had to show up on time."
Kermit: "Sounds like the policy we've got running here."
Ed: "Ah, then you've got the little daredevil with the nose like a coat hanger. It may surprise you to know that there have been lots of performers like him."
Kermit:
(surprised expression)
"It DOES surprise me."
Ed: "Well you see, in vaudeville we had what you call 'dumb acts'."
Kermit: "I think every act Gonzo does is a dumb act."
Ed: "No, no, dumb acts were silent acts that were sometimes very odd. There were all sorts of acts bizarre acts. There was the wrestling cheese, that couldn't be lifted, there was the world's fastest typist- anything that was remotely interesting could be a vaudeville act."
Kermit: "I wish I had their problems."
Ed: "Why?"
Kermit: "Ever argued over who got top billing in a two-headed man act?"
Ed: "...Once."
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "He speaks the truth, though. Anything that was remotely interesting was a vaudeville act at one time or another."
Statler: "Too true, too true." (Long pause)
Waldorf: "Kinda counts the Muppets out, doesn't it?"
(They laugh.)
THE HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)
House #2: "My cousin has got something gnawing away at him inside."
House #1: "Oh, a personal problem?"
House #2: "No, termites." (Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "In a long list of great comedians, one can't forget our own resident comic who failed to make the list, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy star of our show, the one, the only, Fozzie Bear!"
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Fozzie enters to his theme music.
Fozzie: "Hey! Hiya, hiya, hiya! Ohhhhh, we are gonna have fun tonight!"
Statler: "It's your day off?" (S & W laugh.)
Fozzie: "Aw, who needs you?"
Waldorf: "I think the audience does."
Statler: "Yeah, they've gotta have SOMETHING to laugh at on this show!" (They laugh.)
Fozzie: "Hey come on you guys! Give me a break."
Statler: "Sure!"
Waldorf: "Go ahead, take one."
Fozzie: "Oh thank you, I- take one what?"
Waldorf: "A break!"
Statler: "Yeah, take a vacation if you like-"
Waldorf: "-And start now."
(They laugh. Ed enters from the wings.)
Ed: "Hey, come on you two! Aren't you ashamed?"
(S & W look at each other.)
Fozzie: "Thanks Ed. Much obliged. Boy, I don't know how you managed in vaudeville."
Ed: "Well, to tell the truth, I have a lot of the same jokes you do, only mine were new at the time."
Fozzie: "Yeah, but you still got laughs with 'em. How do you do that?"
Ed: "Well Fozzie, it's partly the delivery, but mostly it's that people expect those old puns from me. They laugh because they know what they're getting. Here, watch this."
(clears throat)
"You know, the other day I received a visit from a friend of mine, and he had a favor to ask me. He said he was going to a dance later in the week, and he asked me if he could take my car to the dance. (Ed starts giggling.) I said, "That's fine with me, but wouldn't you rather take a girl?"
(Ed, Fozzie, and the audience laugh. Statler & Waldorf are laughing uncontrollably.)
Statler: "Heh heh heh! Rather take a girl!"
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
Ed: "Go on, Fozzie. Do your stuff."
Fozzie: "Okay! Well, ah, the other day I went to the market to buy some fish, and I asked the lady behind the counter, "do you have any sole?" and she said "no, sonny, but my eldest boy plays in a rock band!"
(The audience is silent.)
Waldorf: "Heh! See what you've gotten yourself into, Ed?"
Statler: "Yeah! If the bear's act were a boat, it would've capsized!" (They laugh.)
(Fozzie buries his face in his hand and leans against Ed. Ed pulls out a banana and starts eating it.)
Fozzie: "OH! Mr. Wynn, I just don't know what to do! That was my best line!"
Ed: "Best line of the night, or ever?"
Fozzie: "EVER!"
Ed: "Oh dear... whoop! Oh, I dropped the peel of my banana."
Fozzie: "Where'd it go?" (They look around for it.)
Ed: "It can't have gone far."
Fozzie: "Ah I see it."
(He moves to pick it up)
"It's right over AHH!"
(Fozzie slips and falls. The audience laughs like crazy. Fozzie gets up.)
Fozzie: "OH! ED! ED! I DID IT! I DID IT!"
(The audience applauds.)
Ed: "Yes you certainly did, Fozzie."
Fozzi: "Thank you!"
Ed: "You're welcome."
Fozzie: "Ah, thank you!"
(He motions to Ed and then himself even with the words)
"Ed Wynn! Fozzie Bear! Thank you!"
Ed: "Good night everybody!"
(The curtain comes down. Statler & Waldorf are still laughing.)
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh! He did it!"
Statler: "He certainly did!"
Waldorf: "And all he had to do was fall down-"
Statler: "-Simple as that."
(Statler gets up, and trips and falls.)
Waldorf: "Eh heh heh heh! Simple as that, all right! Heh heh heh heh heh!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit stands at his desk... on the balcony level. The desk is floating in front of the balcony.
Kermit: "Hey Bunsen! How long does this stuff take to wear off?"
Bunsen: "Oh, about a half hour, give or take- on people anyway. Inanimate objects don't last as long."
Kermit: "Oh? About how long do objects last?"
(The desk falls.)
Bunsen: "Only a few minutes."
(Bunsen exits. Kermit buries his face in his hand.)
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline Cincinnati, Ohio. Mr. Sidney Bogner, a retired toymaker, claims to have stumbled upon the secret of time travel."
(Ed appears on the screen.)
Newsman: "Uh Mr. Bogner, can you tell us the details of this amazing breakthrough?"
Ed: "Well, I was designing an engine for a mechanical teddy bear- I still build toys from time to time since my retirement- and I was putting it all together when I felt a strange sensation, like light was passing through me. Then I looked around and discovered that I was in the exact time and space where I had once been before."
Newsman: "And now I'm sure our viewers are dying to know, what is the secret of time travel?"
Ed: "That, sadly, I can't tell you."
Newsman: "Why not, Mr. Bogner?"
Ed: "Well you see, when I went back in time, I went back to about five minutes before I stumbled onto the secret of time travel, and then I couldn't remember how I did it!"
(The Newsman crumples his face in his hands. Ed shrugs.)
SKETCH: A fisherman is out late at night with something on the end of his line. His wife, calling from the window of their shack on the docks, nags him to come in.
Wife: "Donald! Donald! You come in here this minute! It's past your bedtime!"
Fisherman: "Not now, woman! I've got a big one on the end of the line!"
Wife: "If you're out all night again, you'll get no sympathy from me in the morning!"
(She ducks back inside. Her husband dismisses her.)
Fisherman: "Boy, whatever I've got on this line sure is putting up a fight... Won't be long now..."
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "I think this is going to be one of those long sketches, the kind that leaves you wondering."
Statler: "Yeah, wondering why they did it."
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
(The fisherman is still tugging on his line.)
Fisherman: "Oh, I can feel it! It's starting to give! Gee, whatever it is, it sure is big."
(His wife appears at the window.)
Wife: "I'm not going to ask you again, Donald!"
Fisherman: "So don't ask me!"
Wife: "Fine, I'm going to bed!"
(She exits. He sighs with relief.)
Fisherman: "Whew! Now that that's settled... Oh! Oh, it's starting to come up! That's it, come on now!"
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "You know, I was quite the fisherman in my day."
Statler: "You? You couldn't catch a COLD! HA HA HA HA HA!"
(Back to the fisherman)
Fisherman: "Just... about... there..."
(There's a popping sound. Suddenly the thing on the end of the line comes up rapidly.)
Fisherman: "Ah-ha! Gotcha!"
(The fisherman catches a large drainplug.)
Fisherman: "What the-"
(We hear gurgling sounds as the water begins to swirl.)
Fisherman: "Uh-oh. Aaaaahhh!"
(He gets sucked down the drain along with the rest of the ocean.)
Wife: (O.S.) "And don't forget to dry your feet before you come in the house!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Bunsen stand by with the elixir.
Kermit: "All right, don't shove, everyone gets a turn. Have your spoons at the ready."
(aside to Bunsen)
"You sure this stuff will last the whole number?"
Bunsen: "Oh, positively. It's getting them DOWN you'll have to worry about."
Kermit: "But you said it only lasts for a half hour."
Bunsen: "Give or take. If they keep laughing, it make take DAYS to get them down."
Kermit: (flabbergasted)
"Bunsen, why did I let you talk me into this crazy scheme?!"
Bunsen: "Well it seemed you had no other alternative at the time."
Kermit: (shakes his head)
"Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed."
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now, once again, Mr. Ed Wynn!"
CLOSING NUMBER: "I Love to Laugh"- Ed and the Muppets sing while floating up at the ceiling, in a set reminiscent of the one from the movie.
(As the number begins, Fozzie, Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, George the Janitor, Bunsen, and the Scoffs are gathered on the floor below Ed, who is already on the ceiling.)
Ed: "Oh, greetings, greetings everyone! I do hope you'll join me for this little tea party that I'm hosting. It's located on the ceiling, and formal dress is not required!" (He laughs as the music begins. Others start laughing as he sings and laughs.)
Ed:
"I love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
Loud and long and clear!
I love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
It's getting worse every year!
The more I laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
The more I fill with glee!
The more the glee! AH ha ha ha!
The more I'm a merrier me!"
(Cut to the Muppets trying to contain their laughter.)
Ed:
"The more I'm a merrier me!"
(Fozzie floats up to Ed.)
Ed: "Oh, Fozzie! Thank you so much for coming! Say, how did you come by the name Fozzie?"
Fozzie: "Oh, my parents gave it to me."
Ed: "Well I had assumed that, but I mean were you named after anything?"
Fozzie: "Well, I was named after World War II."
(Fozzie and Ed crack up. George the Janitor and Scooter start floating up.)
Ed: "Well I guess then you weren't named BEFORE it! Ha ha ha!"
(George and Scooter show up.)
So glad you could come! You know Fozzie, speaking of names, I once met a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
(Cut to below.)
Gonzo: "What was the name of his other leg?"
(He and the Muppets all get it and laugh. Gonzo, Piggy, Hilda and the rest save for Bunsen float up to Ed.)
Ed: "Good to see you! All of you!"
Piggy:
"Some people laugh through their noses,
Sounding something like this-"
(She laughs through her nose.)
Ed:
"Some people laugh through their teeth- Goodness sakes!-
Hissing and fizzing like snakes-"
(Cut to Bunsen, still on the ground, doing his usual laugh.)
Ed:
"Some laugh too fast-"
(George laughs, fast like he always does.)
Ed:
"Some only blast-"
(Fozzie laughs.)
Ed:
"Others they twitter like birds-"
(One of the Scoffs laughs.)
Ed:
"Then there's the kind
That can't make up their mind!"
(Scooter does a variety of laughs.)
Ed:
"When things strike me as funny,
I can't hide it inside,
And squeak- HMMH! As the squeakelers do!"
(The Muppets are flying all over the ceiling.)
Ed:
"I've got to let go!
With HO HO HO HO (etc.)
And a ha ho ha ha ha huh-ha (etc.) too!"
(More Muppets have since arrived on the ceiling, including chickens, rats, frogs, dogs, and the Muppaphones.)
ALL:
"We love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
Loud and long and clear!
We love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
So everybody can hear!
The more we laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
The more we're filled with glee!
The more the glee! Ha ha ha ha!
The more we're a merrier we! Ha ha ha!
The more we're a merrier we!"
(Music draws to a close as all continue to laugh. Audience applauds. Ed acknowledges, but still can't stop laughing. Fade out.)
CURTAIN: Fade up on Kermit.
Kermit: "And so we come down to the end of another one. But before we say goodbye, let's have a-"
(Bunsen rushes in.)
Bunsen: "Mr. Kermit Sir, everyone is still on the ceiling!"
Kermit: "But how am I supposed to close the show?"
Bunsen: "Here, drink some of this."
(Bunsen hands him the anti-gravity elixir. Kermit downs it.)
Kermit: "Okay, now what do I do?"
Bunsen: "Just hold still."
(Bunsen produces a long feather and proceeds to tickle Kermit with it. Kermit floats up into the air.)
Bunsen:
(calling up to Kermit)
"No need to thank me, it's all in a day's work."
(Cut to a shot of the curtain near the rafters.)
Kermit: "Uh yes well uh, anyway, let's have a warm thank for our very special guest star Mr. Ed Wynn!"
(Ed floats in.)
ED: "Thank you Kermit, I've had such a wonderful time! I feel like I'm walking on air!"
Kermit: "You ARE walking on air."
ED: "Then I guess that explains it, doesn't it?"
Kermit: "Oh boy! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, 2 rats, a chicken, and a Muppaphone all float in. Fozzie is near the bottom, Hilda is at screen right, Scooter at screen left, and Gonzo is upside-down at the top of the screen.)
CLOSING THEME: The band is all floating up in the air while playing the end theme, with Nigel also floating, conducting them. They reach the end bars prior to Statler & Waldorf's comments:
Statler (sitting alone in the box): "I thought tonight's show was dumb! What did you think?"
(He turns around, Waldorf's not there. Waldorf pops into the frame, floating upside-down above the theater box and laughing.)
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh! Actually I kind of liked it!"
(He exits out of frame, laughing, as Statler scowls.)
Whew!
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
For those of you who don't know, Ed Wynn was a legendary vaudevillian, radio star, and TV and film actor. He had his own radio show and a couple of TV shows in the 50s and late 40s, as well as taking serious roles such as guest spots on "The Twilight Zone", Army the boxing trainer in the original Playhouse 90 production of "Requiem for a Heavyweight" and his Oscar-nominated turn in "The Diary of Anne Frank".
For most of you, Ed Wynn will be remembered for his Disney connections, as the voice of the Mad Hatter in "Alice in Wonderland", and as Uncle Albert in "Mary Poppins".
Submitted for your approval:
Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Ed Wynn!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: ED WYNN
STYLE: LATE SEASON ONE
OPENING THEME:
FOZZIE: "Hey! Did you hear the one about the faith healer who canceled his world tour? HE GOT SICK! AHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!!! OHHH!
ED WYNN: in the Talk Spot set surrounded by Muppets
GONZO: takes a big swing at the 'O', but spins himself around backwards in the process and hits the 'O' with his head
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Thank you, thank you, and welcome friends to another Muppet Show. Ah, tonight's a special one because our guest star is one of the real legends of the entertainment world and one of the nicest people around, Mr. Ed Wynn. But, before we meet him, I'd like you to meet another of our friends, the daughter of Rosie O'Grady."
OPENING NUMBER: "The Daughter of Rosie O'Grady"- the Muppet rats in an old-timey Brooklyn number; they pop out of garbage cans, window boxes, and crates, and proceed to sing and dance.
Rat #1: (sings)
"Yesterday while out a-walkin',
I met a dear little girl
Somehow we started a-talkin';
My brain was all in a whirl
She said she came from Old Killarney
So I started in to quiz.
I got a surprise
That opened my eyes,
For who do you think she is?"
(Several rats are now visible.)
Rat #1:
"She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady
A regular old-fashioned girl
She isn't crazy for diamond rings
Silkens and satins and fancy things
She's just a sweet little lady
And when you meet her you'll see
Why I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady."
(Musical interlude. The rats dance. A housewife appears in a window and swats the rat dancing in her window box. Rats hang from flagpoles, rest in socks hanging on a clothesline. One does a balancing act on the clothesline but falls.)
Rat #1:
"I'm goin' to ask her to marry
I wonder what she will say."
Rat #2: (insidiously)
"I know that if you should tarry,
Someone will steal her away."
(First rat smacks second rat.)
Rat #1:
"I've got the ring to fit her finger
And if she will name the day
Imagine my pride
When she is my bride
And I hear the neighbors say-
(Spoken)
Take it, boys!"
All Rats:
"She's the daughter of Rosie O'Grady
A regular old-fashioned girl
She isn't crazy for diamond rings
Silkens and satins and fancy things
She's just a sweet little lady
And when you meet her you'll see
Why I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady
Yes I'm glad I caught her
The daughter of Rosie O'Grady!"
(Catgut pops up from inside one of the garbage cans, sleepily. The rats disappear again. Catgut looks around and, not seeing anything, goes back to sleep in the garbage can.)
Statler: "I loved it!"
Waldorf: (aside to camera)
"Heh, he also loves getting cavities filled!"
(Waldorf laughs silently.)
BACKSTAGE: Kermit stands at his desk. Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie: "Hey Kermit, Kermit? What's this big closing number everyone keeps talking about?"
Kermit: "Oh, well Fozzie tonight, since Ed Wynn is the guest star, we're going to re-create one of his most famous movie scenes: the "I Love to Laugh" number from Mary Poppins."
Fozzie: "Oh, the one where everybody's laughing and flying all over the place?"
Kermit: "That's the one, Fozzie."
Fozzie: "Mm-hmm. How are you gonna do that?"
Kermit: "Oh, well Scooter has been working on it all week."
(Scooter enters.)
Kermit: "Scooter, how's it going?"
Scooter: "Great! Terrific! Yeah, we're using suspension wires. Gonzo is testing them now. I think we've got a winner on our hands!"
(Gonzo flies into view, on wires, and crashes into the wall.)
Scooter: "Well actually, now that you mention it..."
(Kermit grimaces and walks off. Scooter shrugs, and he and Fozzie both look at the camera.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "Ah, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight has been a star of vaudeville, radio, film and television, and one of the most likeable people in show business. So now it is my privilege to introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen, one of the great all-around entertainers, Mr. Ed Wynn."
SKETCH: Open on Gonzo & Muppy in their bed, same as the Twiggy episode. They have a lamp instead of a candle.)
Gonzo: "How do you like the new lamp, Muppy?"
(Muppy grabs the lamp in his mouth and throws it away. It's dark.)
Gonzo: "You could've just said something."
Ed: (O.S.) "Say, where are you fellas?"
Gonzo: "Oh, hi Ed!"
Ed: (O.S.) "Good thing I brought a candle."
(He lights it, off-screen, and enters the frame, setting down the candle.)
Ed: "Well, are you boys ready for a bedtime story?"
Gonzo: "Oh, you bet. What's the story?"
Ed: "This is a poem by A.A. Milne entitled Bad Sir Brian Botany. It goes like this."
(Fade to storybook set. Medieval harpsichord music plays in A minor, bridging the stanzas and lines. On a majestic bed lies Sweetums, slumbering. He awakens, wearing a helmet, and proceeds to put on his boots.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian had a battleaxe with great big boots on;
He went among the villagers and blipped them on the head.
On Wednesday and on Saturday,
But mostly on the latter day,
He called at all the villagers, and this is what he said:
(Sweetums goes from the bedroom portion of the set to the miniature village portion, where various Muppets are assembled.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(ting-ling)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(rat-tat)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-
Take that!- and that!- and that!"
(Camera cuts to Ed, who stands downstage left of the storybook set riser.)
Ed: "Sir Brian had a pair of boots with great big spurs on,
A fighting pair of which he was particularly fond.
On Tuesday and on Friday,
Just to make the streets look tidy,
He'd collect the passing villagers and kick them in the pond."
(Sweetums goes back to said miniature village and begins kicking the Muppets off of the riser into a tank below.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(sper-lash)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian!"
Ed: "(sper-losh)"
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-
Is anyone else for a wash?"
(Sweetums goes back to his bedroom.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian woke one morning and he couldn't find his battleaxe;
He walked into the village in his second pair of boots.
He had gone a hundred paces,
When the street was full of faces,
And the villagers were round him with ironical salutes."
Man: "You are Sir Brian? Indeed!"
Woman: "You are Sir Brian? Dear, dear!"
Chicken: "You are Sir Brian, as bold as a lion?"
Frog: "Delighted to meet you here!"
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian went a journey, and he found a lot of duckweed"
(The Muppets shove Sweetums off the riser into the tank/pond.)
Ed: "They pulled him out and dried him, and they blipped him on the head."
(Back to the action, Sweetums is seated while the other Muppets club him.)
Ed: "They took him by the breeches, and they hurled him into ditches"
(Action is as read.)
Ed: (O.S.) "And they pushed him under waterfalls, and this is what they said"
Woman: "You are Sir Brian- don't laugh."
Nigel: "You are Sir Brian- don't cry."
Pig: "You are Sir Brian, as bold as a lion-"
All: "Sir Brian, the lion, good-bye!"
(Sweetums enacts the following action.)
Ed: (O.S.) "Sir Brian struggled home again, and chopped up his battleaxe,
Sir Brian took his fighting boots, and threw them in the fire.
(Sweetums removes his helmet and puts on a derby, then takes a walking cane and puts a carnation on his lapel.)
Ed: (O.S.) "He is quite a different person now he hasn't got his spurs on,
And he goes about the village as B. Botany, Esquire."
(Sweetums walks through the mini-village set.)
Sweetums: "I am Sir Brian? Oh, no!
I am Sir Brian? Who's he?"
(Sweetums walks down the stairs, to where Ed is standing.)
Sweetums: "I haven't got any title, I'm Botany-
Plain Mr. Botany (B)."
(Sweetums puts his arm around Ed as all the Muppets complete the tableau behind them. Music resolves to A major at the last chord. Applause)
Waldorf: "Ah, wonderful! Wonderful! That Ed Wynn is a terrific performer!"
Statler: "Oh yes! I remember seeing him back in vaudeville, on the bill with Leonard Kaiser."
Waldorf: "Leonard Kaiser? I don't remember him."
Statler: "He was the one who created the act where he would drink a glass of nitroglycerin, and then throw a lit match down his throat! Ed had to follow him."
Waldorf: "Boy, that must've been gruesome."
Statler: "Yeah, well Ed still had the last laugh- Kaiser only ever did his act ONCE!"
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit inquires to Scooter about his continuing progress. George the Janitor stands in the background, holding on to a rope suspended from the ceiling.
Kermit: "Scooter, I trust that you've solved the problem with the suspension wires now?"
Scooter: "Oh, absolutely boss! Yeah, it's much better now. George over there has got the other end of the rope."
Kermit: "And you're sure he's got control of it?"
Scooter: "Oh, positively!"
(The ropes goes up and takes George with it.)
Scooter: "Or it could be vice versa."
(Kermit grimaces again and makes another hasty exit.)
CURTAIN: Sam clears his throat.
Sam: "Right now it is my privilege to introduce the very appropriate singing duo of Wayne and Wanda, with their rendition of that great oldie, "Cecilia".
(mutters)
Oh, I hope she's not watching this."
WAYNE & WANDA: "Cecilia" (not the Simon & Garfunkel song)
(Curtain opens on Wayne & Wanda in a nighttime city set.)
Wayne (sings): "Does your mother know you're out Cecilia?"
(The purple monster, Miss Kitty from the Juliet Prowse episode, enters in the background and looks over Wanda. The monster comes closer to her.)
Wayne (sings): "Does she know that I'm about to steal ya?"
(The monster steals Wanda and carries her off stage. Wayne doesn't notice.)
Wayne (sings): "Oh my, when I-" (He turns around and notices, confused.)
PANEL: Kermit, Ed, Scooter, Bunsen, and Mildred are gathered as the intro music plays and the camera zooms in to Kermit.
Kermit: "Ah, time once again friends to RAISE the intellectual level of our program, and our topic for discussion this evening is: the energy crisis. Uh, tonight's panel consists of our resident scientist Dr. Bunsen Honeydew-"
(Bunsen waves with his fingers.)
Kermit: "Scooter the go-fer, his uncle owns the theater."
Scooter: "Hi Mom!"
Kermit: "Mildred Hockstedder, MA, MVP, BLT and LAPD."
Mildred: "Enchanted."
(Camera cuts to Ed.)
Kermit: "And our special guest panelist is Mr. Garson Munch, a retired engineer."
ED: "Greetings. My pleasure to be here."
Kermit: "Mr. Munch, how would you evaluate the severity of the energy crisis?"
ED: "Oh, it's pretty bad all right. You can really see the effect it has on people."
Mildred: "Oh, indeed. I didn't have enough energy to warm my electric curlers last week; it ruined my whole day."
Bunsen: "I think what's needed is an efficient, renewable source of power."
Scooter: "Couldn't we just use batteries?"
Bunsen: "Oh! Young man, do you know how many batteries it would take to heat an entire house?"
Scooter: "(Pauses) Um, twenty-five?"
(Everyone groans and starts talking at once.)
Kermit: "Okay, okay, we seem to be getting away from the subject at hand. The object is to discuss efficient, affordable alternative sources of energy."
Bunsen: "Well I once built a generator that ran on goat milk."
Everyone else: "HUH?!"
Bunsen: "Sure! The goat milk rushed against a paddlewheel, which in turn-"
Kermit: "Uh, excuse me, excuse me Dr. Honeydew, but doesn't that have the same effect as a hydroelectric generator powered by water?"
Bunsen: "Well, yes..."
Mildred: "I find that so much energy is wasted these days."
Ed: "Well Ma'am, I've got the energy if you've got Saturday night free!"
Mildred: "Oh, well I never. That's just the kind of wasted energy I was talking about."
(Ed looks dejected.)
Mildred: "(Beat) Uh, seven o'clock all right?"
Scooter (to Bunsen): "But how is it batteries wouldn't work? They power my radio just fine."
Bunsen (flustered): "Oh, young man, listen! To power anything larger than a radio, to power a whole city, you'd need a battery about a million times larger than the one in your little transistor radio!"
(Bunsen breathes deeply while Scooter sits silent for a moment.)
Scooter: "Well then, why doesn't somebody build a bigger battery?"
Bunsen (sits bolt upright): "Why, that's an excellent idea, lad!"
Scooter: "Uh, about how much battery juice do you think it'd need?"
Bunsen: "That's battery acid, son."
Kermit: "Uh, we are digressing, friends. We are straying from the topic. Now let's go back to our guest panelist. Uh Mr. Munch, what would be your solution to the energy crisis?"
ED: "Jumping jacks!"
Kermit: "I don't follow."
ED: "I do a set of them every morning when I wake up, and it gives me energy to last the whole day. If people would do jumping jacks when they get out of bed in the morning, then they'd have more energy!"
Kermit: "But, we were talking about a completely different kind of energy!"
ED: "We were?"
Kermit: "Of course! You of all people should know. You were an engineer!"
ED: "Sure, for the Mutual Railroad Company."
Kermit: "What?!"
(Ed puts on a railroad engineer's hat and pulls out a whistle. He blows the whistle.)
ED: "Board! All aboard!" (He starts listing train stops.)
Kermit: "This just couldn't get worse."
(We hear a train whistle and the low rumbling of train wheels as Kermit's eyes bulge in reaction. The sounds get louder.)
CRASH!
(A train comes through the Stage Right wall and onto the stage, in between the table and backdrop.)
Scooter (to Kermit): "It just got worse, boss."
Kermit: "Good grief. Ah, tune in next week, friends, when our topic for discussion will be the cancellation of our discussion panel spot, okay?"
(The closing panel music plays as everyone talks at once in the commotion, save for a beleaguered Kermit.)
(Statler & Waldorf are laughing.)
Waldorf: "Ah, that's the trouble with this show."
Statler: "What's that?"
Waldorf: "It never stays on TRACK!"
Statler: "OH HO HO HO HO HO!"
Waldorf: "Eh heh heh heh heh!"
Statler: "TRACK!"
Waldorf: "Track!"
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit is at his desk when Bunsen enters.
Bunsen: "Excuse me, Mr. Kermit, but I couldn't help overhearing that you've been having some problems with the planned floatation in tonight's closing number."
Kermit: "Well, you heard right. That's the issue of the day."
Bunsen: "Well I might be able to help. I have an anti-gravity elixir here that should just do the trick."
Kermit: "Anti-gravity elixir? Does it work?"
Bunsen: "Tested and foolproof."
Kermit: "Foolproof is definitely what we need around here. How does it work?"
Bunsen: "Oh, that's the beauty of it. It's activated by laughter, just like in the movie."
Kermit: "That's wonderful. Can it do the same for props?"
Bunsen: "Oh yes."
Kermit: "How? Whoops!"
(Kermit accidentally spills it on his desk. His desk floats up into the air.)
Bunsen: "Actually it floats inanimate objects on impact."
(Bunsen does his trademark laugh and Kermit reacts to the camera.)
AT THE DANCE: begin with a shot of George and Mildred
Mildred: "My cousin is in his 60s, and now he's left his wife for a beautiful 25-year-old showgirl! I ask you, what kind of a life is THAT for a man of advanced years?"
George: "Has she got a friend?"
(Mildred glares at him. New shot, Lenny the Lizard with a female Whatnot)
Lenny: "What is it your husband does for a living?"
Woman: "Why, he's a litigator."
Lenny: "Oh, what a coincidence! My wife's an alligator!"
(New shot, Herman and shouting lady)
Shouting Lady: "I just couldn't believe it! There I was, on my vacation, minding my own business, didn't do a thing wrong, and they just threw me out of the tour group like a common criminal! And all because of a dumb sign!"
Herman: "Uh, what did the sign say?"
Shouting Lady: "'Avalanche area'."
(New shot of Animal and the red-haired Whatnot girl in pink sweater.)
Girl: "Animal, I don't think our relationship is working out."
Animal: "WHA?!"
Girl: "The insurance company is threatening to cut me off. Maybe we'd better break it off."
Animal: "BREAK IT OFF? AHH RIGHT!"
(Animal leans down and picks up a mallet. The girl screams and runs away, with Animal chasing after her. New shot of two Whatnots.)
Man: "Boy, your behavior tonight really shocked me. That's a side of you I've never seen before. I hope you haven't got any more surprises in store for me tonight."
(She turns into a strange creature.)
Woman(Creature): "Not anymore."
(Coda, fade out.)
UK SPOT: "When Irish Eyes are Smiling"- Rowlf & the Muppet dogs, dressed in old Irish garb and gathered around in a cozy den with a fireplace
Dogs: (singing)
"When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing."
Rowlf: (sings)
"When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay."
Dogs:
"And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away."
Rowlf:
"There's a tear in your eye,
and I'm wondering why,
For it never should be there at all."
Baskerville:
"With such power in your smile,
Sure a stone you'd beguile,
So there's never a teardrop should fall."
Rowlf:
"When your sweet lilting laughter's like some fairy song,
And your eyes twinkle bright as can be,
You should laugh all the while
and all other times smile,
And now smile a smile for me."
All Dogs: (they start crying, getting worse as the song goes along)
"When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter,
You can hear the angels sing.
When Irish hearts are happy,
All the world seems bright and gay.
And when Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away.
When Irish eyes are smiling,
Sure, they steal your heart away."
TALK SPOT: Ed & Kermit sit, smiling.
Kermit: "You know Mr. Wynn, it's really a terrific honor to have you with us on the show tonight."
Ed: "Thank you Kermit. And please, call me Ed."
Kermit: "Oh okay. It's just a bit strange for me to be sitting here talking to someone who's seen the advent of radio and television, and was one of the original greats of vaudeville."
Ed: "Well, it's strange for me to be sitting here talking to a frog. In fact there are a lot of strange things about this place."
Kermit: "Oh, well you know, that really can't be helped."
Ed: "Oh no, no, that's not how I meant it. I like it here very much. Reminds me a lot of vaudeville."
Kermit: "Oh yeah? How does it remind you of vaudeville?"
Ed: "Well, you have a comedian whose jokes are as old as mine or older..."
Kermit: "Heh, you've got that right."
Ed: "Still the jokes are clean, that's important. Then there's Miss Piggy, who could've been a singer in vaudeville..."
Kermit: "OUR Miss Piggy?"
Ed: "You didn't have to be good, you just had to show up on time."
Kermit: "Sounds like the policy we've got running here."
Ed: "Ah, then you've got the little daredevil with the nose like a coat hanger. It may surprise you to know that there have been lots of performers like him."
Kermit:
(surprised expression)
"It DOES surprise me."
Ed: "Well you see, in vaudeville we had what you call 'dumb acts'."
Kermit: "I think every act Gonzo does is a dumb act."
Ed: "No, no, dumb acts were silent acts that were sometimes very odd. There were all sorts of acts bizarre acts. There was the wrestling cheese, that couldn't be lifted, there was the world's fastest typist- anything that was remotely interesting could be a vaudeville act."
Kermit: "I wish I had their problems."
Ed: "Why?"
Kermit: "Ever argued over who got top billing in a two-headed man act?"
Ed: "...Once."
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "He speaks the truth, though. Anything that was remotely interesting was a vaudeville act at one time or another."
Statler: "Too true, too true." (Long pause)
Waldorf: "Kinda counts the Muppets out, doesn't it?"
(They laugh.)
THE HOUSES: (Theme music plays, camera shifts to left two houses.)
House #2: "My cousin has got something gnawing away at him inside."
House #1: "Oh, a personal problem?"
House #2: "No, termites." (Theme music plays again, out to full shot, houses close their eyes.)
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "In a long list of great comedians, one can't forget our own resident comic who failed to make the list, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy star of our show, the one, the only, Fozzie Bear!"
FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Fozzie enters to his theme music.
Fozzie: "Hey! Hiya, hiya, hiya! Ohhhhh, we are gonna have fun tonight!"
Statler: "It's your day off?" (S & W laugh.)
Fozzie: "Aw, who needs you?"
Waldorf: "I think the audience does."
Statler: "Yeah, they've gotta have SOMETHING to laugh at on this show!" (They laugh.)
Fozzie: "Hey come on you guys! Give me a break."
Statler: "Sure!"
Waldorf: "Go ahead, take one."
Fozzie: "Oh thank you, I- take one what?"
Waldorf: "A break!"
Statler: "Yeah, take a vacation if you like-"
Waldorf: "-And start now."
(They laugh. Ed enters from the wings.)
Ed: "Hey, come on you two! Aren't you ashamed?"
(S & W look at each other.)
Fozzie: "Thanks Ed. Much obliged. Boy, I don't know how you managed in vaudeville."
Ed: "Well, to tell the truth, I have a lot of the same jokes you do, only mine were new at the time."
Fozzie: "Yeah, but you still got laughs with 'em. How do you do that?"
Ed: "Well Fozzie, it's partly the delivery, but mostly it's that people expect those old puns from me. They laugh because they know what they're getting. Here, watch this."
(clears throat)
"You know, the other day I received a visit from a friend of mine, and he had a favor to ask me. He said he was going to a dance later in the week, and he asked me if he could take my car to the dance. (Ed starts giggling.) I said, "That's fine with me, but wouldn't you rather take a girl?"
(Ed, Fozzie, and the audience laugh. Statler & Waldorf are laughing uncontrollably.)
Statler: "Heh heh heh! Rather take a girl!"
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh heh heh!"
Ed: "Go on, Fozzie. Do your stuff."
Fozzie: "Okay! Well, ah, the other day I went to the market to buy some fish, and I asked the lady behind the counter, "do you have any sole?" and she said "no, sonny, but my eldest boy plays in a rock band!"
(The audience is silent.)
Waldorf: "Heh! See what you've gotten yourself into, Ed?"
Statler: "Yeah! If the bear's act were a boat, it would've capsized!" (They laugh.)
(Fozzie buries his face in his hand and leans against Ed. Ed pulls out a banana and starts eating it.)
Fozzie: "OH! Mr. Wynn, I just don't know what to do! That was my best line!"
Ed: "Best line of the night, or ever?"
Fozzie: "EVER!"
Ed: "Oh dear... whoop! Oh, I dropped the peel of my banana."
Fozzie: "Where'd it go?" (They look around for it.)
Ed: "It can't have gone far."
Fozzie: "Ah I see it."
(He moves to pick it up)
"It's right over AHH!"
(Fozzie slips and falls. The audience laughs like crazy. Fozzie gets up.)
Fozzie: "OH! ED! ED! I DID IT! I DID IT!"
(The audience applauds.)
Ed: "Yes you certainly did, Fozzie."
Fozzi: "Thank you!"
Ed: "You're welcome."
Fozzie: "Ah, thank you!"
(He motions to Ed and then himself even with the words)
"Ed Wynn! Fozzie Bear! Thank you!"
Ed: "Good night everybody!"
(The curtain comes down. Statler & Waldorf are still laughing.)
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh! He did it!"
Statler: "He certainly did!"
Waldorf: "And all he had to do was fall down-"
Statler: "-Simple as that."
(Statler gets up, and trips and falls.)
Waldorf: "Eh heh heh heh! Simple as that, all right! Heh heh heh heh heh!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit stands at his desk... on the balcony level. The desk is floating in front of the balcony.
Kermit: "Hey Bunsen! How long does this stuff take to wear off?"
Bunsen: "Oh, about a half hour, give or take- on people anyway. Inanimate objects don't last as long."
Kermit: "Oh? About how long do objects last?"
(The desk falls.)
Bunsen: "Only a few minutes."
(Bunsen exits. Kermit buries his face in his hand.)
MUPPET NEWS: The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline Cincinnati, Ohio. Mr. Sidney Bogner, a retired toymaker, claims to have stumbled upon the secret of time travel."
(Ed appears on the screen.)
Newsman: "Uh Mr. Bogner, can you tell us the details of this amazing breakthrough?"
Ed: "Well, I was designing an engine for a mechanical teddy bear- I still build toys from time to time since my retirement- and I was putting it all together when I felt a strange sensation, like light was passing through me. Then I looked around and discovered that I was in the exact time and space where I had once been before."
Newsman: "And now I'm sure our viewers are dying to know, what is the secret of time travel?"
Ed: "That, sadly, I can't tell you."
Newsman: "Why not, Mr. Bogner?"
Ed: "Well you see, when I went back in time, I went back to about five minutes before I stumbled onto the secret of time travel, and then I couldn't remember how I did it!"
(The Newsman crumples his face in his hands. Ed shrugs.)
SKETCH: A fisherman is out late at night with something on the end of his line. His wife, calling from the window of their shack on the docks, nags him to come in.
Wife: "Donald! Donald! You come in here this minute! It's past your bedtime!"
Fisherman: "Not now, woman! I've got a big one on the end of the line!"
Wife: "If you're out all night again, you'll get no sympathy from me in the morning!"
(She ducks back inside. Her husband dismisses her.)
Fisherman: "Boy, whatever I've got on this line sure is putting up a fight... Won't be long now..."
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "I think this is going to be one of those long sketches, the kind that leaves you wondering."
Statler: "Yeah, wondering why they did it."
S & W: "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
(The fisherman is still tugging on his line.)
Fisherman: "Oh, I can feel it! It's starting to give! Gee, whatever it is, it sure is big."
(His wife appears at the window.)
Wife: "I'm not going to ask you again, Donald!"
Fisherman: "So don't ask me!"
Wife: "Fine, I'm going to bed!"
(She exits. He sighs with relief.)
Fisherman: "Whew! Now that that's settled... Oh! Oh, it's starting to come up! That's it, come on now!"
(Cut to S & W)
Waldorf: "You know, I was quite the fisherman in my day."
Statler: "You? You couldn't catch a COLD! HA HA HA HA HA!"
(Back to the fisherman)
Fisherman: "Just... about... there..."
(There's a popping sound. Suddenly the thing on the end of the line comes up rapidly.)
Fisherman: "Ah-ha! Gotcha!"
(The fisherman catches a large drainplug.)
Fisherman: "What the-"
(We hear gurgling sounds as the water begins to swirl.)
Fisherman: "Uh-oh. Aaaaahhh!"
(He gets sucked down the drain along with the rest of the ocean.)
Wife: (O.S.) "And don't forget to dry your feet before you come in the house!"
BACKSTAGE: Kermit and Bunsen stand by with the elixir.
Kermit: "All right, don't shove, everyone gets a turn. Have your spoons at the ready."
(aside to Bunsen)
"You sure this stuff will last the whole number?"
Bunsen: "Oh, positively. It's getting them DOWN you'll have to worry about."
Kermit: "But you said it only lasts for a half hour."
Bunsen: "Give or take. If they keep laughing, it make take DAYS to get them down."
Kermit: (flabbergasted)
"Bunsen, why did I let you talk me into this crazy scheme?!"
Bunsen: "Well it seemed you had no other alternative at the time."
Kermit: (shakes his head)
"Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed."
CURTAIN: Kermit enters.
Kermit: "And now, once again, Mr. Ed Wynn!"
CLOSING NUMBER: "I Love to Laugh"- Ed and the Muppets sing while floating up at the ceiling, in a set reminiscent of the one from the movie.
(As the number begins, Fozzie, Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, George the Janitor, Bunsen, and the Scoffs are gathered on the floor below Ed, who is already on the ceiling.)
Ed: "Oh, greetings, greetings everyone! I do hope you'll join me for this little tea party that I'm hosting. It's located on the ceiling, and formal dress is not required!" (He laughs as the music begins. Others start laughing as he sings and laughs.)
Ed:
"I love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
Loud and long and clear!
I love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
It's getting worse every year!
The more I laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
The more I fill with glee!
The more the glee! AH ha ha ha!
The more I'm a merrier me!"
(Cut to the Muppets trying to contain their laughter.)
Ed:
"The more I'm a merrier me!"
(Fozzie floats up to Ed.)
Ed: "Oh, Fozzie! Thank you so much for coming! Say, how did you come by the name Fozzie?"
Fozzie: "Oh, my parents gave it to me."
Ed: "Well I had assumed that, but I mean were you named after anything?"
Fozzie: "Well, I was named after World War II."
(Fozzie and Ed crack up. George the Janitor and Scooter start floating up.)
Ed: "Well I guess then you weren't named BEFORE it! Ha ha ha!"
(George and Scooter show up.)
So glad you could come! You know Fozzie, speaking of names, I once met a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
(Cut to below.)
Gonzo: "What was the name of his other leg?"
(He and the Muppets all get it and laugh. Gonzo, Piggy, Hilda and the rest save for Bunsen float up to Ed.)
Ed: "Good to see you! All of you!"
Piggy:
"Some people laugh through their noses,
Sounding something like this-"
(She laughs through her nose.)
Ed:
"Some people laugh through their teeth- Goodness sakes!-
Hissing and fizzing like snakes-"
(Cut to Bunsen, still on the ground, doing his usual laugh.)
Ed:
"Some laugh too fast-"
(George laughs, fast like he always does.)
Ed:
"Some only blast-"
(Fozzie laughs.)
Ed:
"Others they twitter like birds-"
(One of the Scoffs laughs.)
Ed:
"Then there's the kind
That can't make up their mind!"
(Scooter does a variety of laughs.)
Ed:
"When things strike me as funny,
I can't hide it inside,
And squeak- HMMH! As the squeakelers do!"
(The Muppets are flying all over the ceiling.)
Ed:
"I've got to let go!
With HO HO HO HO (etc.)
And a ha ho ha ha ha huh-ha (etc.) too!"
(More Muppets have since arrived on the ceiling, including chickens, rats, frogs, dogs, and the Muppaphones.)
ALL:
"We love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
Loud and long and clear!
We love to laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
So everybody can hear!
The more we laugh! Ha ha ha ha!
The more we're filled with glee!
The more the glee! Ha ha ha ha!
The more we're a merrier we! Ha ha ha!
The more we're a merrier we!"
(Music draws to a close as all continue to laugh. Audience applauds. Ed acknowledges, but still can't stop laughing. Fade out.)
CURTAIN: Fade up on Kermit.
Kermit: "And so we come down to the end of another one. But before we say goodbye, let's have a-"
(Bunsen rushes in.)
Bunsen: "Mr. Kermit Sir, everyone is still on the ceiling!"
Kermit: "But how am I supposed to close the show?"
Bunsen: "Here, drink some of this."
(Bunsen hands him the anti-gravity elixir. Kermit downs it.)
Kermit: "Okay, now what do I do?"
Bunsen: "Just hold still."
(Bunsen produces a long feather and proceeds to tickle Kermit with it. Kermit floats up into the air.)
Bunsen:
(calling up to Kermit)
"No need to thank me, it's all in a day's work."
(Cut to a shot of the curtain near the rafters.)
Kermit: "Uh yes well uh, anyway, let's have a warm thank for our very special guest star Mr. Ed Wynn!"
(Ed floats in.)
ED: "Thank you Kermit, I've had such a wonderful time! I feel like I'm walking on air!"
Kermit: "You ARE walking on air."
ED: "Then I guess that explains it, doesn't it?"
Kermit: "Oh boy! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!"
(Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Hilda, 2 rats, a chicken, and a Muppaphone all float in. Fozzie is near the bottom, Hilda is at screen right, Scooter at screen left, and Gonzo is upside-down at the top of the screen.)
CLOSING THEME: The band is all floating up in the air while playing the end theme, with Nigel also floating, conducting them. They reach the end bars prior to Statler & Waldorf's comments:
Statler (sitting alone in the box): "I thought tonight's show was dumb! What did you think?"
(He turns around, Waldorf's not there. Waldorf pops into the frame, floating upside-down above the theater box and laughing.)
Waldorf: "Heh heh heh! Actually I kind of liked it!"
(He exits out of frame, laughing, as Statler scowls.)
Whew!
Comments welcome.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
