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Gorgon Heap
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I guess soon DOES mean soon.
I came up with Tim's first sketch months ago when I was toying with the idea, and before I went to bed on Saturday night (actually into the wee hours early Sunday morning) I came up with Tim's second sketch and decided on a plot. I had been stuck on various parts, including the opening number, and driving in to work on Sunday afternoon I was hit with divine inspiration when I switched on my car radio and heard the perfect song for the opening number and came up with the perfect way to do it. The rest just came throughout the week; the whole outline save for one sketch in just 4 days. I would've had it finished last night but I was debating the closing number and still had two Statler & Waldorf comments yet to write (wrote the last one last, how about that?) I've really gotten excited over this one in a way I haven't been since probably last year when I was writing them more frequently and wrote my (IMO) best ones. So without further ado:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Tim Conway!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: TIM CONWAY
STYLE: EARLY SECOND SEASON (circa Rich Little, Nancy Walker episodes)
COLD OPENING:
Scooter: “Tim Conway, oh Tim Conway! 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Conway!”
Tim (close-up on his face): “Thanks, Scooter. (Camera starts pulling back) Uh, Scooter, do you remember when I placed that order a little while ago?”
Camera is all the way back, revealing one of the Mutations dancing with Tim, pressing him close into his chest. The other Mutations are standing by. The first one passes Tim to the second one.
Scooter: “Yeah?”
Tim (dancing with the next Mutation): “I think you made a mistake.”
Scooter: “Oh? How’s that?”
Tim: “I asked for a mango, not a tango.”
Scooter: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry!”
Tim (the 2nd Mutation passes him on to the 3rd one): “It’s not the dancing I mind so much as the fact that they trampled my suit.”
The last Mutation dips him.
Tim (trying to get out of this): “Gosh, well, this has really been fun, but I’ve got to-”
The last Mutation stuffs a rose in Tim’s mouth before he’s finished speaking. Close-up on Tim as he tries to talk with the rose in his mouth for a second, then makes a face at the camera.
OPENING THEME:
S & W: Statler: “They should kill this show before it spreads.”
Gonzo: a flower comes out of his trumpet
CURTAIN: Kermit talks about Tim Conway and introduces the opening number.
Kermit: “But right now, let us pause to listen to the gentle soothing melodies of a lazy barnyard morning...”
OPENING NUMBER: “Listen to the Music”- in the barnyard, T.R. the Rooster crows as the morning begins and the animals wake up, and then they all start going into the song, sung by T.R. on lead vocals, singing, guitar-playing chickens, pigs, a goat on drums, Baskerville the Hound, Catgut, a rat, a cow, and a duck (all of those not playing instruments are dancing)
Statler: “Well, what did you think of that opening number?”
Waldorf: “Wonderful! Great song, I loved it!”
Statler: “What?! You liked that opening number?!”
Waldorf: “What opening number? I was listening to a tune on my transistor radio!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit has finally agreed to a date with Piggy, and naturally she’s going hog-wild as to the possibilities.
Piggy: “I would love to go to that exclusive French restaurant, Joie de vivre. It may be a tad on the pricey side.” (She hands him a pamphlet from the restaurant.)
Kermit: “Thirty-four dollars for a hamburger?”
Naturally, dinner isn’t all Piggy has in mind for the evening, which she plans on milking for all she can. Kermit is of course starting to worry.
SKETCH: Tim plays a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman with a new trainee- Gorgon Heap! Their first stop introduces them to a well-to-do housewife (overweight woman from “At the Dance” in the Teresa Brewer episode.)
Gorgon: “My, what a lovely three-piece living room set you have!” (He eats it)
Naturally he eats everything.
Tim (while Gorgon is eating everything in sight): “You know I, uh, could just leave my trainee here instead, I think he’s just as efficient as the vacuum cleaner, perhaps more efficient.” (Gorgon keeps eating) “Uh, maybe too efficient...”
Gorgon eats the living room furniture, the refreshments, the product he’s selling, and the housewife he’s selling it to.
Tim: “Boy, you know that was just... just very unprofessional. I mean you ate everything in sight! Everything!”
Gorgon (looking at Tim): “Not everything.”
Tim looks puzzled, then his eyes bulge in fear. Gorgon tries to eat Tim, and chases him out the door.
Waldorf: “Ah, that Tim Conway is a brilliant performer.”
Statler: “Yes, but for his sake I hope he has bad taste!”
S & W: “Heh heh heh!”
Waldorf: “Of course he has. He‘s appearing on THIS show!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: Piggy has more ideas for the date- including dancing at another pricey, exclusive club, and a romantic carriage ride.
Piggy: “The carriage goes by this adorable little church that I think you would just LOVE to see. It’d be a wonderful place to get married in.”
THE SWEDISH CHEF- clam chowder
DRESSING ROOM: Fozzie asks Tim for some tips on character comedy, and shows him a new character he’s developing. Unfortunately, this is Fozzie’s sense we’re talking about.
PIGS IN SPACE- the dreaded Swinetrek annual Spring cleaning; Piggy gets stuck doing all the work while Link mulls over a mail-order catalog with Strangepork (though how he’ll get merchandise delivered to a spaceship that’s in orbit he fails to consider)
AT THE DANCE- animal jokes
UK SPOT: “My Old Man’s a Dustman”- British Chap (the one who sang "Burlington Bertie from Bow" and "My Old Dutch", in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon animal act); Statler & Waldorf and the audience sing along
SKETCH: A Whatnot man tries to shoo and clobber the animals that are trying to eat his garden (mice, rabbits, a fox, even a bear). When he finally succeeds, a GIANT MOUSE (Big Mouse from The Muppet Valentine Show) comes along and hurls him out of his own garden, then sticks a sign in the garden that says “Salad Bar”.
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh! Boy, that was great.”
Statler: “No it wasn’t. No one would believe a crazy sketch like that!”
The giant mouse pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.
Giant Mouse: “Yoo-hoo!”
He grabs Statler and throws him out of the box.
Statler: “WHOA!”
CRASH!
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh heh heh!”
Mouse: “Ha. Ha. Ha.”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit wants out of the date and tries to tell Piggy he‘s backing out.
Kermit: “Uh, Piggy?”
Piggy: “Yes mon cheri?”
Kermit: “It’s um, it’s about our date... for... tonight.”
Piggy (menacingly towering over him): “Yes?”
Kermit: “Uh, well, you see, it’s... I mean, do you suppose I... is- is there any possibility that um... you see while I’d really love to, uh... (he gives up, sighs) Is it all right if I wear my tan dinner jacket?”
Piggy: “Oh, my sweet, whatever you want to wear tonight will be just fine with me.”
SKETCH: Tim plays a scientist examining the first Koozebanian brought back to earth (the female Koozebanian from the mating ritual sketch, only the character is male this time.) The Koozebanian has other ideas.
Koozebanian: “You know, on my planet you‘d be sold for food.”
Tim: “Oh, the people are poor, huh?”
Koozebanian: “No, not in exchange for food, as food! You’d go well with a Caesar salad.” (Laughter) “And a twice baked potato.”
Tim tries to ignore the Koozebanian’s shenanigans, but the Koozebanian gives Tim a hard time and ends up stuffing him into the little cage.
THE GREAT GONZO: In and around a swimming pool, Gonzo executes a swan dive and water ballet while wrestling an eel. Unfortunately for him, the eel came prepared, and when they end up on land, the eel cheats using underwater breathing equipment (or an appropriate aquatic creature’s facsimile thereof.)
Waldorf: “Oooh! Statler, have you got anything for heartburn?”
Statler: “Here, take this antacid tablet.”
Waldorf: “Thanks. Kinda makes you wish you could take something for this show!”
Statler: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
VET‘S HOSPITAL- Crazy Harry is the patient.
Janice: “I don’t think he should be here. I think he should be in the psychiatric ward.”
Dr. Bob: “Oh? Why’s that?”
Janice: “He’s Crazy Harry!”
Dr. Bob: “Oh. Well in that case I suggest you submerge the patient in mud.”
Janice: “What for?”
Dr. Bob: “Then he’ll be Dirty Harry! Ha ha ha ha!”
He of course starts blowing things up, and a falling object falls on Piggy.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy needs medical attention, so it looks like the date is off.
Kermit (relieved): “Crazy Harry, I can’t believe it, but for once your love of explosions has paid off. Remind me to give you a raise.”
Crazy Harry: “Ah ha ha ha ha ha! You say you want a raise?!”
Kermit: “Uh, wait a second.”
BOOM!
Crazy Harry: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
Kermit (dangling from the ceiling): “Uh, this is not quite the raise I meant.”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Side by Side”- Tim & the Muppets (Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Rowlf on piano, Droop, Baskerville and Nigel) sing the song complete with staging and choreography problems (in front of the “Any Old Iron” gold hallways backdrop)
Curtain: Kermit thanks Tim for being on the show. Piggy comes in, with a bandage on one of her ears.
Kermit: “Piggy? Shouldn’t you be resting?”
Piggy: “Rest? Ha! We’ve got a date and I’ll be darned if I miss it!”
Kermit: “I think I’m darned already. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Tim, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, and the Koozebanian gather ‘round. Piggy gives Kermit more instructions for the date, Tim and Fozzie look on, and Gonzo compares his nose to the Koozebanian’s, at which point the Koozebanian slaps him with it.
Waldorf: “Well, how’d you like tonight’s show?”
Statler: “It was dreadful, same as always! We should really stop coming.”
Waldorf: “Then you don’t mind if I skip next week‘s show?”
Statler: “What?! And leave me here alone?!”
(Waldorf does a double-take at Statler, then Statler does a double-take at Waldorf.)
Tell me what you think.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
I came up with Tim's first sketch months ago when I was toying with the idea, and before I went to bed on Saturday night (actually into the wee hours early Sunday morning) I came up with Tim's second sketch and decided on a plot. I had been stuck on various parts, including the opening number, and driving in to work on Sunday afternoon I was hit with divine inspiration when I switched on my car radio and heard the perfect song for the opening number and came up with the perfect way to do it. The rest just came throughout the week; the whole outline save for one sketch in just 4 days. I would've had it finished last night but I was debating the closing number and still had two Statler & Waldorf comments yet to write (wrote the last one last, how about that?) I've really gotten excited over this one in a way I haven't been since probably last year when I was writing them more frequently and wrote my (IMO) best ones. So without further ado:
"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Mr. Tim Conway!"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR: TIM CONWAY
STYLE: EARLY SECOND SEASON (circa Rich Little, Nancy Walker episodes)
COLD OPENING:
Scooter: “Tim Conway, oh Tim Conway! 20 seconds to curtain, Mr. Conway!”
Tim (close-up on his face): “Thanks, Scooter. (Camera starts pulling back) Uh, Scooter, do you remember when I placed that order a little while ago?”
Camera is all the way back, revealing one of the Mutations dancing with Tim, pressing him close into his chest. The other Mutations are standing by. The first one passes Tim to the second one.
Scooter: “Yeah?”
Tim (dancing with the next Mutation): “I think you made a mistake.”
Scooter: “Oh? How’s that?”
Tim: “I asked for a mango, not a tango.”
Scooter: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry!”
Tim (the 2nd Mutation passes him on to the 3rd one): “It’s not the dancing I mind so much as the fact that they trampled my suit.”
The last Mutation dips him.
Tim (trying to get out of this): “Gosh, well, this has really been fun, but I’ve got to-”
The last Mutation stuffs a rose in Tim’s mouth before he’s finished speaking. Close-up on Tim as he tries to talk with the rose in his mouth for a second, then makes a face at the camera.
OPENING THEME:
S & W: Statler: “They should kill this show before it spreads.”
Gonzo: a flower comes out of his trumpet
CURTAIN: Kermit talks about Tim Conway and introduces the opening number.
Kermit: “But right now, let us pause to listen to the gentle soothing melodies of a lazy barnyard morning...”
OPENING NUMBER: “Listen to the Music”- in the barnyard, T.R. the Rooster crows as the morning begins and the animals wake up, and then they all start going into the song, sung by T.R. on lead vocals, singing, guitar-playing chickens, pigs, a goat on drums, Baskerville the Hound, Catgut, a rat, a cow, and a duck (all of those not playing instruments are dancing)
Statler: “Well, what did you think of that opening number?”
Waldorf: “Wonderful! Great song, I loved it!”
Statler: “What?! You liked that opening number?!”
Waldorf: “What opening number? I was listening to a tune on my transistor radio!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit has finally agreed to a date with Piggy, and naturally she’s going hog-wild as to the possibilities.
Piggy: “I would love to go to that exclusive French restaurant, Joie de vivre. It may be a tad on the pricey side.” (She hands him a pamphlet from the restaurant.)
Kermit: “Thirty-four dollars for a hamburger?”
Naturally, dinner isn’t all Piggy has in mind for the evening, which she plans on milking for all she can. Kermit is of course starting to worry.
SKETCH: Tim plays a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman with a new trainee- Gorgon Heap! Their first stop introduces them to a well-to-do housewife (overweight woman from “At the Dance” in the Teresa Brewer episode.)
Gorgon: “My, what a lovely three-piece living room set you have!” (He eats it)
Naturally he eats everything.
Tim (while Gorgon is eating everything in sight): “You know I, uh, could just leave my trainee here instead, I think he’s just as efficient as the vacuum cleaner, perhaps more efficient.” (Gorgon keeps eating) “Uh, maybe too efficient...”
Gorgon eats the living room furniture, the refreshments, the product he’s selling, and the housewife he’s selling it to.
Tim: “Boy, you know that was just... just very unprofessional. I mean you ate everything in sight! Everything!”
Gorgon (looking at Tim): “Not everything.”
Tim looks puzzled, then his eyes bulge in fear. Gorgon tries to eat Tim, and chases him out the door.
Waldorf: “Ah, that Tim Conway is a brilliant performer.”
Statler: “Yes, but for his sake I hope he has bad taste!”
S & W: “Heh heh heh!”
Waldorf: “Of course he has. He‘s appearing on THIS show!”
S & W: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
BACKSTAGE: Piggy has more ideas for the date- including dancing at another pricey, exclusive club, and a romantic carriage ride.
Piggy: “The carriage goes by this adorable little church that I think you would just LOVE to see. It’d be a wonderful place to get married in.”
THE SWEDISH CHEF- clam chowder
DRESSING ROOM: Fozzie asks Tim for some tips on character comedy, and shows him a new character he’s developing. Unfortunately, this is Fozzie’s sense we’re talking about.
PIGS IN SPACE- the dreaded Swinetrek annual Spring cleaning; Piggy gets stuck doing all the work while Link mulls over a mail-order catalog with Strangepork (though how he’ll get merchandise delivered to a spaceship that’s in orbit he fails to consider)
AT THE DANCE- animal jokes
UK SPOT: “My Old Man’s a Dustman”- British Chap (the one who sang "Burlington Bertie from Bow" and "My Old Dutch", in front of the blue backdrop from Steve Martin's balloon animal act); Statler & Waldorf and the audience sing along
SKETCH: A Whatnot man tries to shoo and clobber the animals that are trying to eat his garden (mice, rabbits, a fox, even a bear). When he finally succeeds, a GIANT MOUSE (Big Mouse from The Muppet Valentine Show) comes along and hurls him out of his own garden, then sticks a sign in the garden that says “Salad Bar”.
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh! Boy, that was great.”
Statler: “No it wasn’t. No one would believe a crazy sketch like that!”
The giant mouse pops up in Statler & Waldorf’s box.
Giant Mouse: “Yoo-hoo!”
He grabs Statler and throws him out of the box.
Statler: “WHOA!”
CRASH!
Waldorf: “Heh heh heh heh heh!”
Mouse: “Ha. Ha. Ha.”
BACKSTAGE: Kermit wants out of the date and tries to tell Piggy he‘s backing out.
Kermit: “Uh, Piggy?”
Piggy: “Yes mon cheri?”
Kermit: “It’s um, it’s about our date... for... tonight.”
Piggy (menacingly towering over him): “Yes?”
Kermit: “Uh, well, you see, it’s... I mean, do you suppose I... is- is there any possibility that um... you see while I’d really love to, uh... (he gives up, sighs) Is it all right if I wear my tan dinner jacket?”
Piggy: “Oh, my sweet, whatever you want to wear tonight will be just fine with me.”
SKETCH: Tim plays a scientist examining the first Koozebanian brought back to earth (the female Koozebanian from the mating ritual sketch, only the character is male this time.) The Koozebanian has other ideas.
Koozebanian: “You know, on my planet you‘d be sold for food.”
Tim: “Oh, the people are poor, huh?”
Koozebanian: “No, not in exchange for food, as food! You’d go well with a Caesar salad.” (Laughter) “And a twice baked potato.”
Tim tries to ignore the Koozebanian’s shenanigans, but the Koozebanian gives Tim a hard time and ends up stuffing him into the little cage.
THE GREAT GONZO: In and around a swimming pool, Gonzo executes a swan dive and water ballet while wrestling an eel. Unfortunately for him, the eel came prepared, and when they end up on land, the eel cheats using underwater breathing equipment (or an appropriate aquatic creature’s facsimile thereof.)
Waldorf: “Oooh! Statler, have you got anything for heartburn?”
Statler: “Here, take this antacid tablet.”
Waldorf: “Thanks. Kinda makes you wish you could take something for this show!”
Statler: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
VET‘S HOSPITAL- Crazy Harry is the patient.
Janice: “I don’t think he should be here. I think he should be in the psychiatric ward.”
Dr. Bob: “Oh? Why’s that?”
Janice: “He’s Crazy Harry!”
Dr. Bob: “Oh. Well in that case I suggest you submerge the patient in mud.”
Janice: “What for?”
Dr. Bob: “Then he’ll be Dirty Harry! Ha ha ha ha!”
He of course starts blowing things up, and a falling object falls on Piggy.
BACKSTAGE: Piggy needs medical attention, so it looks like the date is off.
Kermit (relieved): “Crazy Harry, I can’t believe it, but for once your love of explosions has paid off. Remind me to give you a raise.”
Crazy Harry: “Ah ha ha ha ha ha! You say you want a raise?!”
Kermit: “Uh, wait a second.”
BOOM!
Crazy Harry: “Ha ha ha ha ha!”
Kermit (dangling from the ceiling): “Uh, this is not quite the raise I meant.”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Side by Side”- Tim & the Muppets (Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Rowlf on piano, Droop, Baskerville and Nigel) sing the song complete with staging and choreography problems (in front of the “Any Old Iron” gold hallways backdrop)
Curtain: Kermit thanks Tim for being on the show. Piggy comes in, with a bandage on one of her ears.
Kermit: “Piggy? Shouldn’t you be resting?”
Piggy: “Rest? Ha! We’ve got a date and I’ll be darned if I miss it!”
Kermit: “I think I’m darned already. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
Tim, Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, and the Koozebanian gather ‘round. Piggy gives Kermit more instructions for the date, Tim and Fozzie look on, and Gonzo compares his nose to the Koozebanian’s, at which point the Koozebanian slaps him with it.
Waldorf: “Well, how’d you like tonight’s show?”
Statler: “It was dreadful, same as always! We should really stop coming.”
Waldorf: “Then you don’t mind if I skip next week‘s show?”
Statler: “What?! And leave me here alone?!”
(Waldorf does a double-take at Statler, then Statler does a double-take at Waldorf.)
Tell me what you think.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
