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Gorgon Heap
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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JODIE FOSTER
STYLE: MID-SEASON FIVE (circa Senor Wences, Roger Moore)
COLD OPENING: Pops lifts a dumbbell.
Pops: “One!”
(He grunts and puts it down. Jodie enters.)
Jodie: “Hi, how ya doin’?”
Pops: “Sixty-two -- Oh! Who’re you?”
Jodie: “I’m Jodie Foster, I’m the guest on the show tonight.”
Pops: “Jodie Foster, the brilliant young actress! You’ll be in dressing room one, top of the stairs, Little Lady!”
Jodie: “Now wait a minute, let’s not have any of that “little lady” stuff tonight. After all, I’ve been a professional almost my entire life, and I’m practically an adult now. THIS is a little lady!”
(She stoops to pick up a pink Muppaphone, and sets her on Pops’s shoulder.)
Female Muppaphone: “Hiya, hon!”
(She kisses Pops on the lips. He splutters. Jodie smiles and shakes her head.)
Jodie: “Goodness gracious --”
(The remaining seven Muppaphones pop up.)
Muppaphones: “-- GREAT BALLS OF FUR!”
(The Muppaphones giggle. Jodie chuckles.)
OPENING THEME:
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo plays a high note. Pinocchio enters.
Pinocchio: “Wow, that sounded great!”
Gonzo: “Thanks, Pinocchio-OH!”
(Gonzo gets pushed out of the ‘O’ by Pinocchio’s growing nose.)
Pinocchio:
(aside)
“Actually, if you really want the truth...”
(Pinocchio sighs and shakes his head.)
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces Jodie Foster as the guest star.
Kermit: “And so here she is now to sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, ladies and gentlemen --”
(Jodie enters.)
Jodie: “Excuse me! I hate to interrupt.”
Kermit: “Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it’s Jodie Foster!”
(APPLAUSE. Jodie smiles and nods acceptance.)
Kermit: “But, wait a minute: why aren’t you in your costume?”
Jodie: “THAT’S what I wanted to talk to you about, Kermit. You see, this whole little girl, Shirley Temple thing just really isn’t my scene. I mean, it never has been.”
Kermit: “Yeah, but uh, what will do for an opening number?”
Jodie: “Oh, it’s okay, Kermit! I found a replacement.”
Kermit: “Wha -- really?”
Jodie: “Yeah. I found someone who’ll do the number for me. It’ll be great, trust me!”
(She exits.)
Kermit: “Oh, okay, uh... well, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, will NOT be performed by our guest star. It’ll be performed by someone else, so --”
(beat)
“-- LET’S HEAR IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE! YAAAYYYYY!”
OPENING NUMBER: “On the Good Ship Lollipop” – sung by the season five Frackles in Shirley Temple drag
Statler: “That number put me in the mood for a drink.”
Waldorf: “Oh, a Shirley Temple?”
Statler: “No, arsenic!”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: While Jodie is eager to show off her singing skills, and her French language skills, Kermit finds her idea of singing “La Vie en Rose” a bit too grown up.
Kermit: “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to do a more age-appropriate song?”
Jodie: “Age-appropriate?”
Kermit: “Yeah, like “Teenager in Love”?”
(Jodie shakes her head ‘no’.)
Kermit: “Uh, “Tall Paul”? “Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb”?”
(Jodie shakes her head ‘no’ at all of Kermit’s suggestions.)
Jodie: “You know, Kermit, I thought The Muppet Show was the one place on television where a performer could still do something unexpected. I’m entering into a new phase in my career, and I look at this show as a great opportunity to stretch! Come on, whaddya say?”
Kermit: “O-o-okay, Jodie. Okay, you can sing the French song.”
Jodie: “Oh, thank you, Kermit! MUAH!”
(She kisses him on the cheek.)
Jodie: “You won’t regret it.”
Kermit: “I don’t know if I’ll regret it but, uh, I’ll introduce it.”
SONG: “La Vie en Rose” – in front of the orange-lit curtain, Jodie sings. In the wings, Kermit grows uncomfortable, and sends on Annie Sue and two girl pigs to repeatedly interrupt Jodie and sing the songs he’d suggested.
Statler: “We had some great times when we were teenagers. Remember when we went to the park and you spilled your ice cream all over that pigeon? I remember it like it was yesterday.”
Waldorf: “That WAS yesterday, you old fool!”
(Statler scowls.)
BACKSTAGE: Jodie enters.
Jodie: “Okay, you and I need to have some words, Frog.”
Kermit: “Now Jodie, I know that number didn’t turn out exactly as planned...”
Jodie: “Exactly?! Kermit, it was sabotage! You know, I’m surprised. I would’ve expected this from somebody else, but not you. I know this is a family show, you know I wouldn’t do anything tasteless or embarrassing.”
Kermit: “Well, it’s not that exactly...”
Jodie: “I just wish there wasn’t this expectation I’d be doing all this kid stuff tonight. I mean, what do you have planned for me next? Little Red Riding Hood?”
Kermit: “Ah, well you could always play the grandmother for a change!”
(Kermit chuckles silently. Jodie pulls him by the collar.)
Jodie: “Now look, Kermit: I didn’t come here to play Little Red Riding Hood, Wendy in “Peter Pan”, Alice in Wonderland, or Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”
(Fozzie in a baby bonnet, Baby Bear (from the Marty Feldman episode) in drag and Billy the Bear in overalls all enter.)
Fozzie: “You called?”
(Jodie rolls her eyes at the camera.)
SWEDISH CHEF: Chef makes crème brûlée. He burns his hat, then when he finally succeeds in lighting the crème brûlée, it explodes.
SKETCH: "High School" - Sam the Eagle teaches American history while Jodie is a disruptive student. Sam sends her to go sit in the corner.
Jodie: "Seems a bit archaic, but all right. I can go along with a gag."
(She starts singing “In My Own Little Corner in My Own Little Chair” at the top of her lungs, drowning out Sam's lesson. He then tries to make her wear a dunce cap.)
Jodie: “Dunce? Oh, you mean “dahnce”.”
(She puts the cap on Sam, and starts waltzing with him.)
Jodie: “Thank you for the dahnce. You dahnce divinely.”
Sam: “This is the last straw! Leave immediately, and go straight to the principal's office.”
(The other kids gasp.)
Jodie: “Principal's office? You’re wasting your time. I'm not scared of any old principal.”
(She opens the door to find the principal standing there -- Timmy Monster! He growls. She slams the door in a panic and sits back down.)
Jodie (to Sam): “So, tell me more about the founding of Jamestown. I'm all ears!”
(APPLAUSE. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “Riding the Range” - Paul Revere and Skyball Paint sing an abridged version of the Marx Brothers song while loping through the desert. At the end, reveal they're riding on the backs of two straining Whatnot cowboys!
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie brings a teenager (Jodie) in for truancy. They call in the truant officer (Lew Zealand), and social worker (Wayne). They sit her down as Link fills out the report.
Link: “Name?”
Jodie: “Tracy Adeline Hill.”
Link (typing): “Tracy --”
Fozzie: “Adeline?”
Jodie: “You know, like the old song.”
(Sings)
“Sweet Adeline...”
Link, Fozzie, and Lew:
(singing)
“Sweet Adeline...”
(Wayne takes over the melody from Jodie.)
Wayne:
(singing)
“My Adeline...”
Link, Fozzie, Lew:
(singing)
“My Adeline...”
(They take over the song while Jodie slips away unnoticed.)
All:
(singing)
“You’re the flower of my heart...”
Wayne:
(singing):
“-- Sweet Adeline.”
Link, Fozzie, Lew:
(singing)
“-- Sweet Adeline.”
(APPLAUSE. All take bows, then look back to find Jodie gone.)
Statler: “It’s about time they had some good barbershop harmony on this show!”
Waldorf: “It sure is! When do you suppose they’ll do some?”
(S & W laugh.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents an Instant Haircut Machine. He gives Beaker a bowl cut (he meant to give him a Mohawk but had it set on Moe Howard), then a Mohawk, then Beaker switches it back to his original hairstyle. As Bunsen tries to get him back into the machine, he gets his stuck head in it -- and comes out with a full head of hair! As he has fun experimenting with different styles, the machine starts to smoke. Beaker tries to warn him, Bunsen tells him not to interfere, and the machine blows up, leaving Bunsen once again bald (as well as burned and battered).
(AUDIENCE SHOT)
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy knocks and enters.
Piggy: “Hello, Jodie dear!”
Jodie: “Miss Piggy! Please come in! I was hoping I’d meet you. You’re a hero of mine.”
Piggy: “Well, thank you.”
Jodie: “As I’m transitioning in my career to more adult roles, it helps to have strong female role models like you.”
Piggy: “Oo, merci beaucoup!”
(Jodie answers her back in fluent French.)
Jodie: “That’s another reason I was hoping you’d drop by my dressing room: I went to school in France, and was hoping we could have a chat in French together, just the two of us.”
(Piggy is mortified. There’s a knock at the door.)
Piggy: “Come in!”
(Kermit sticks his head in.)
Kermit: “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”
Jodie: “Well, actually --”
Piggy (simultaneously): “NO!”
Jodie (simultaneously): “Yes.”
Piggy: “So sorry, Dear, but I must go now! We must finish our chat later.”
(Jodie giggles.)
Piggy: “WHAT’S SO FUNNY?”
Jodie: “You see, Kermit, Piggy was making a joke. She pronounced the English word “chat” like the French word “chat” (shot), which means “cat”, so she actually said “let’s finish our “cat” later”.
(She laughs.)
Jodie: “Pretty witty, Miss Piggy!”
Piggy (deadpan): “Ha ha.”
(She rushes off. Kermit tells Jodie he’s planned a beach party closer, but Jodie drops a bomb -- she wants to do Shakespeare!)
MUPPET SPORTS: rowing machine fishing -- a fisherman catches dumbbell, barbell, gymnast, before catching a shark, who drags him away.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit has come up with a compromise for the closing number. He gives Jodie a script.
Jodie:
(reading)
“Beach Blanket Beatrice: The Bard was never so groovy.”
(to Kermit)
“Kermit, are you sure about this?”
Kermit: “Oh, absolutely, Jodie! In fact, I’m confident this will work as well as anything we’ve ever done on the show.”
Jodie: “It’s that bad, huh?”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Beach Blanket Beatrice” –- Jodie plays Beatrice to Scooter’s Benedick, Link is Claudio and Annie Sue is Hero, Lew Zealand is Lewonato (Leonato), with Fozzie, Gonzo, and Janice filling out the group. Ray the (Raychem) Seal plays with a beach ball in the background; when the walrus tries to join in, Ray barks at him and chases him away. Rizzo and the Penguins fill out the scene as surfers. Claudio (Link) is introduced to Hero (Annie Sue).
Link: “Hero? Where’d you get a DUMB name like that?”
Lew: “I ordered a sandwich, and they sent me a daughter!”
Link: “You should’ve ordered a hoagie.”
Lew: “I tried that, too -- they sent me Hoagy Carmichael.”
Link: “A submarine?”
Lew: “Double parked it on the reef and it got towed away.”
(Jodie and Scooter verbally spar in a combination of olde English and surfer slang, while Lewis Kazagger gives a play by play of their insult battle. Jodie and Scooter get annoyed with Lewis, while Ray bounces a beach ball over to them. Unbeknownst to them, Ray now balances a bowling ball, and bounces it over where it lands on Lewis’s head and knocks him out.)
(Jodie and Scooter always verbally spar when they’re together, so their friends scheme to get them together, with Annie Sue & Janice having a pretend conversation about Benedick’s love for Beatrice so she’ll overhear, and Fozzie & Gonzo having a pretend conversation about Beatrice’s love for Benedick so he can overhear. It works and they sing “Surfer Girl”.)
(Out of embarrassment from Claudio teasing her about her name, Hero wipes out and “perishes” in the surf contest and Claudio is honor bound to marry her sister.)
Link: “Is she beautiful?”
Lew: “She has the face of a pig!”
Link: “Oh! Thank goodness.”
(The deception is revealed, but rather than get married, Link & Annie Sue and Jodie & Scooter agree to go steady, and end by singing “Catch a Wave”.)
CURTAIN: Jodie enters.
Kermit: “Hey Jodie, I hope you had a good time tonight.”
Jodie: “I’d like to refer that question to my spokesman!”
(She points and Ray the seal enters, barking up a storm.)
Jodie:
(to Ray)
“What do you think? Did we have a good time tonight?”
(Ray nods and barks.)
Kermit: “What’s that all about?”
Jodie: “He’s my seal of approval!”
(Jodie chuckles. Ray lets out barking guffaws.)
Kermit: “That’s our kind of joke, Jodie!”
(to the audience)
“We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Jodie, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Link, Annie Sue, Lew Zealand, Rizzo, Ray the Seal, a Penguin, and the Pink Frackle gather around.)
Statler: “Did you like the show?”
Waldorf: “I had a ball!”
Statler: “Not me!”
(A beach ball hits Statler on the head. He scrunches his face into a scowl while Waldorf laughs. Then a beach ball hits Waldorf in the face, scrunching it into a scowl.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Link, Frackle
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Sam, Frackle
Jerry: Lew Zealand, Pops, Lewis Kazagger, Paul Revere the Horse, Frackle
Richard: Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Wayne, Frackle
Dave: Gonzo, Bunsen, Timmy Monster, Skyball Paint, Ray the Seal, Frackle
Louise: Annie Sue, (girl) Muppaphone, Penguin
Steve: Rizzo, Pinocchio, Muppaphone, Penguin, Frackle
Kathy: Muppaphones, Pig, Penguin
Betsy Baytos: Muppaphones, Pig, Penguin
Karen Prell: Muppaphones, Walrus
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
STYLE: MID-SEASON FIVE (circa Senor Wences, Roger Moore)
COLD OPENING: Pops lifts a dumbbell.
Pops: “One!”
(He grunts and puts it down. Jodie enters.)
Jodie: “Hi, how ya doin’?”
Pops: “Sixty-two -- Oh! Who’re you?”
Jodie: “I’m Jodie Foster, I’m the guest on the show tonight.”
Pops: “Jodie Foster, the brilliant young actress! You’ll be in dressing room one, top of the stairs, Little Lady!”
Jodie: “Now wait a minute, let’s not have any of that “little lady” stuff tonight. After all, I’ve been a professional almost my entire life, and I’m practically an adult now. THIS is a little lady!”
(She stoops to pick up a pink Muppaphone, and sets her on Pops’s shoulder.)
Female Muppaphone: “Hiya, hon!”
(She kisses Pops on the lips. He splutters. Jodie smiles and shakes her head.)
Jodie: “Goodness gracious --”
(The remaining seven Muppaphones pop up.)
Muppaphones: “-- GREAT BALLS OF FUR!”
(The Muppaphones giggle. Jodie chuckles.)
OPENING THEME:
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo plays a high note. Pinocchio enters.
Pinocchio: “Wow, that sounded great!”
Gonzo: “Thanks, Pinocchio-OH!”
(Gonzo gets pushed out of the ‘O’ by Pinocchio’s growing nose.)
Pinocchio:
(aside)
“Actually, if you really want the truth...”
(Pinocchio sighs and shakes his head.)
CURTAIN: Kermit introduces Jodie Foster as the guest star.
Kermit: “And so here she is now to sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, ladies and gentlemen --”
(Jodie enters.)
Jodie: “Excuse me! I hate to interrupt.”
Kermit: “Oh, ladies and gentlemen, it’s Jodie Foster!”
(APPLAUSE. Jodie smiles and nods acceptance.)
Kermit: “But, wait a minute: why aren’t you in your costume?”
Jodie: “THAT’S what I wanted to talk to you about, Kermit. You see, this whole little girl, Shirley Temple thing just really isn’t my scene. I mean, it never has been.”
Kermit: “Yeah, but uh, what will do for an opening number?”
Jodie: “Oh, it’s okay, Kermit! I found a replacement.”
Kermit: “Wha -- really?”
Jodie: “Yeah. I found someone who’ll do the number for me. It’ll be great, trust me!”
(She exits.)
Kermit: “Oh, okay, uh... well, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, will NOT be performed by our guest star. It’ll be performed by someone else, so --”
(beat)
“-- LET’S HEAR IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE! YAAAYYYYY!”
OPENING NUMBER: “On the Good Ship Lollipop” – sung by the season five Frackles in Shirley Temple drag
Statler: “That number put me in the mood for a drink.”
Waldorf: “Oh, a Shirley Temple?”
Statler: “No, arsenic!”
(S & W laugh.)
BACKSTAGE: While Jodie is eager to show off her singing skills, and her French language skills, Kermit finds her idea of singing “La Vie en Rose” a bit too grown up.
Kermit: “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to do a more age-appropriate song?”
Jodie: “Age-appropriate?”
Kermit: “Yeah, like “Teenager in Love”?”
(Jodie shakes her head ‘no’.)
Kermit: “Uh, “Tall Paul”? “Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb”?”
(Jodie shakes her head ‘no’ at all of Kermit’s suggestions.)
Jodie: “You know, Kermit, I thought The Muppet Show was the one place on television where a performer could still do something unexpected. I’m entering into a new phase in my career, and I look at this show as a great opportunity to stretch! Come on, whaddya say?”
Kermit: “O-o-okay, Jodie. Okay, you can sing the French song.”
Jodie: “Oh, thank you, Kermit! MUAH!”
(She kisses him on the cheek.)
Jodie: “You won’t regret it.”
Kermit: “I don’t know if I’ll regret it but, uh, I’ll introduce it.”
SONG: “La Vie en Rose” – in front of the orange-lit curtain, Jodie sings. In the wings, Kermit grows uncomfortable, and sends on Annie Sue and two girl pigs to repeatedly interrupt Jodie and sing the songs he’d suggested.
Statler: “We had some great times when we were teenagers. Remember when we went to the park and you spilled your ice cream all over that pigeon? I remember it like it was yesterday.”
Waldorf: “That WAS yesterday, you old fool!”
(Statler scowls.)
BACKSTAGE: Jodie enters.
Jodie: “Okay, you and I need to have some words, Frog.”
Kermit: “Now Jodie, I know that number didn’t turn out exactly as planned...”
Jodie: “Exactly?! Kermit, it was sabotage! You know, I’m surprised. I would’ve expected this from somebody else, but not you. I know this is a family show, you know I wouldn’t do anything tasteless or embarrassing.”
Kermit: “Well, it’s not that exactly...”
Jodie: “I just wish there wasn’t this expectation I’d be doing all this kid stuff tonight. I mean, what do you have planned for me next? Little Red Riding Hood?”
Kermit: “Ah, well you could always play the grandmother for a change!”
(Kermit chuckles silently. Jodie pulls him by the collar.)
Jodie: “Now look, Kermit: I didn’t come here to play Little Red Riding Hood, Wendy in “Peter Pan”, Alice in Wonderland, or Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”
(Fozzie in a baby bonnet, Baby Bear (from the Marty Feldman episode) in drag and Billy the Bear in overalls all enter.)
Fozzie: “You called?”
(Jodie rolls her eyes at the camera.)
SWEDISH CHEF: Chef makes crème brûlée. He burns his hat, then when he finally succeeds in lighting the crème brûlée, it explodes.
SKETCH: "High School" - Sam the Eagle teaches American history while Jodie is a disruptive student. Sam sends her to go sit in the corner.
Jodie: "Seems a bit archaic, but all right. I can go along with a gag."
(She starts singing “In My Own Little Corner in My Own Little Chair” at the top of her lungs, drowning out Sam's lesson. He then tries to make her wear a dunce cap.)
Jodie: “Dunce? Oh, you mean “dahnce”.”
(She puts the cap on Sam, and starts waltzing with him.)
Jodie: “Thank you for the dahnce. You dahnce divinely.”
Sam: “This is the last straw! Leave immediately, and go straight to the principal's office.”
(The other kids gasp.)
Jodie: “Principal's office? You’re wasting your time. I'm not scared of any old principal.”
(She opens the door to find the principal standing there -- Timmy Monster! He growls. She slams the door in a panic and sits back down.)
Jodie (to Sam): “So, tell me more about the founding of Jamestown. I'm all ears!”
(APPLAUSE. FADE OUT.)
UK SPOT: “Riding the Range” - Paul Revere and Skyball Paint sing an abridged version of the Marx Brothers song while loping through the desert. At the end, reveal they're riding on the backs of two straining Whatnot cowboys!
BEAR ON PATROL: Fozzie brings a teenager (Jodie) in for truancy. They call in the truant officer (Lew Zealand), and social worker (Wayne). They sit her down as Link fills out the report.
Link: “Name?”
Jodie: “Tracy Adeline Hill.”
Link (typing): “Tracy --”
Fozzie: “Adeline?”
Jodie: “You know, like the old song.”
(Sings)
“Sweet Adeline...”
Link, Fozzie, and Lew:
(singing)
“Sweet Adeline...”
(Wayne takes over the melody from Jodie.)
Wayne:
(singing)
“My Adeline...”
Link, Fozzie, Lew:
(singing)
“My Adeline...”
(They take over the song while Jodie slips away unnoticed.)
All:
(singing)
“You’re the flower of my heart...”
Wayne:
(singing):
“-- Sweet Adeline.”
Link, Fozzie, Lew:
(singing)
“-- Sweet Adeline.”
(APPLAUSE. All take bows, then look back to find Jodie gone.)
Statler: “It’s about time they had some good barbershop harmony on this show!”
Waldorf: “It sure is! When do you suppose they’ll do some?”
(S & W laugh.)
MUPPET LABS: Bunsen invents an Instant Haircut Machine. He gives Beaker a bowl cut (he meant to give him a Mohawk but had it set on Moe Howard), then a Mohawk, then Beaker switches it back to his original hairstyle. As Bunsen tries to get him back into the machine, he gets his stuck head in it -- and comes out with a full head of hair! As he has fun experimenting with different styles, the machine starts to smoke. Beaker tries to warn him, Bunsen tells him not to interfere, and the machine blows up, leaving Bunsen once again bald (as well as burned and battered).
(AUDIENCE SHOT)
DRESSING ROOM: Piggy knocks and enters.
Piggy: “Hello, Jodie dear!”
Jodie: “Miss Piggy! Please come in! I was hoping I’d meet you. You’re a hero of mine.”
Piggy: “Well, thank you.”
Jodie: “As I’m transitioning in my career to more adult roles, it helps to have strong female role models like you.”
Piggy: “Oo, merci beaucoup!”
(Jodie answers her back in fluent French.)
Jodie: “That’s another reason I was hoping you’d drop by my dressing room: I went to school in France, and was hoping we could have a chat in French together, just the two of us.”
(Piggy is mortified. There’s a knock at the door.)
Piggy: “Come in!”
(Kermit sticks his head in.)
Kermit: “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”
Jodie: “Well, actually --”
Piggy (simultaneously): “NO!”
Jodie (simultaneously): “Yes.”
Piggy: “So sorry, Dear, but I must go now! We must finish our chat later.”
(Jodie giggles.)
Piggy: “WHAT’S SO FUNNY?”
Jodie: “You see, Kermit, Piggy was making a joke. She pronounced the English word “chat” like the French word “chat” (shot), which means “cat”, so she actually said “let’s finish our “cat” later”.
(She laughs.)
Jodie: “Pretty witty, Miss Piggy!”
Piggy (deadpan): “Ha ha.”
(She rushes off. Kermit tells Jodie he’s planned a beach party closer, but Jodie drops a bomb -- she wants to do Shakespeare!)
MUPPET SPORTS: rowing machine fishing -- a fisherman catches dumbbell, barbell, gymnast, before catching a shark, who drags him away.
BACKSTAGE: Kermit has come up with a compromise for the closing number. He gives Jodie a script.
Jodie:
(reading)
“Beach Blanket Beatrice: The Bard was never so groovy.”
(to Kermit)
“Kermit, are you sure about this?”
Kermit: “Oh, absolutely, Jodie! In fact, I’m confident this will work as well as anything we’ve ever done on the show.”
Jodie: “It’s that bad, huh?”
CLOSING NUMBER: “Beach Blanket Beatrice” –- Jodie plays Beatrice to Scooter’s Benedick, Link is Claudio and Annie Sue is Hero, Lew Zealand is Lewonato (Leonato), with Fozzie, Gonzo, and Janice filling out the group. Ray the (Raychem) Seal plays with a beach ball in the background; when the walrus tries to join in, Ray barks at him and chases him away. Rizzo and the Penguins fill out the scene as surfers. Claudio (Link) is introduced to Hero (Annie Sue).
Link: “Hero? Where’d you get a DUMB name like that?”
Lew: “I ordered a sandwich, and they sent me a daughter!”
Link: “You should’ve ordered a hoagie.”
Lew: “I tried that, too -- they sent me Hoagy Carmichael.”
Link: “A submarine?”
Lew: “Double parked it on the reef and it got towed away.”
(Jodie and Scooter verbally spar in a combination of olde English and surfer slang, while Lewis Kazagger gives a play by play of their insult battle. Jodie and Scooter get annoyed with Lewis, while Ray bounces a beach ball over to them. Unbeknownst to them, Ray now balances a bowling ball, and bounces it over where it lands on Lewis’s head and knocks him out.)
(Jodie and Scooter always verbally spar when they’re together, so their friends scheme to get them together, with Annie Sue & Janice having a pretend conversation about Benedick’s love for Beatrice so she’ll overhear, and Fozzie & Gonzo having a pretend conversation about Beatrice’s love for Benedick so he can overhear. It works and they sing “Surfer Girl”.)
(Out of embarrassment from Claudio teasing her about her name, Hero wipes out and “perishes” in the surf contest and Claudio is honor bound to marry her sister.)
Link: “Is she beautiful?”
Lew: “She has the face of a pig!”
Link: “Oh! Thank goodness.”
(The deception is revealed, but rather than get married, Link & Annie Sue and Jodie & Scooter agree to go steady, and end by singing “Catch a Wave”.)
CURTAIN: Jodie enters.
Kermit: “Hey Jodie, I hope you had a good time tonight.”
Jodie: “I’d like to refer that question to my spokesman!”
(She points and Ray the seal enters, barking up a storm.)
Jodie:
(to Ray)
“What do you think? Did we have a good time tonight?”
(Ray nods and barks.)
Kermit: “What’s that all about?”
Jodie: “He’s my seal of approval!”
(Jodie chuckles. Ray lets out barking guffaws.)
Kermit: “That’s our kind of joke, Jodie!”
(to the audience)
“We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Jodie, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Link, Annie Sue, Lew Zealand, Rizzo, Ray the Seal, a Penguin, and the Pink Frackle gather around.)
Statler: “Did you like the show?”
Waldorf: “I had a ball!”
Statler: “Not me!”
(A beach ball hits Statler on the head. He scrunches his face into a scowl while Waldorf laughs. Then a beach ball hits Waldorf in the face, scrunching it into a scowl.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Link, Frackle
Frank: Piggy, Fozzie, Sam, Frackle
Jerry: Lew Zealand, Pops, Lewis Kazagger, Paul Revere the Horse, Frackle
Richard: Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Wayne, Frackle
Dave: Gonzo, Bunsen, Timmy Monster, Skyball Paint, Ray the Seal, Frackle
Louise: Annie Sue, (girl) Muppaphone, Penguin
Steve: Rizzo, Pinocchio, Muppaphone, Penguin, Frackle
Kathy: Muppaphones, Pig, Penguin
Betsy Baytos: Muppaphones, Pig, Penguin
Karen Prell: Muppaphones, Walrus
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole