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Gorgon Heap
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SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JACK LEMMON
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa Jonathan Winters, Star Wars)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “Jack Lemmon! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Lemmon!”
Jack Lemmon: “Thank you, Scooter!”
Jack Grapefruit (O.S.): “Now, wait just a minute!”
(Jack Grapefruit hops out of the fruit bowl, indignant because he thought HE was the guest star.)
Jack Grapefruit: “You’re going to hear from my agent!”
(He exits in a huff.)
Jack Lemmon: “I’ve heard of sour grapes, but sour grapefruits?”
OPENING THEME:
ORCHESTRA PIT: Animal plays a drum solo; the drum explodes.
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo plays a cucumber like a flute.
Gonzo: “It's a dill piccolo! HA! HA! HA!”
OPENING NUMBER: “Mama Told Me Not to Come” – Floyd wanders through a party hosted by Gonzo (“Jamboree” set), populated by Lew Zealand, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry (with an exploding cigarette), Marvin Suggs (who knocks Janice unconscious), the Four Fazoobs, Mean Mama (eating everything), and a hapless blindfolded Whatnot man playing pin the tail on the donkey (he accidentally pokes everyone, ending with Mean Mama, who eats him)
Waldorf: “After a number like that, I’m glad to be up here where it's safe.”
(Blindfolded Whatnot sticks a pin in Waldorf’s backside. Waldorf jumps out of the balcony.)
Statler: “You weren’t just surprised by that, you were FLOORED by it! Ha ha ha!”
Whatnot: “What happened?”
BACKSTAGE: Jack Grapefruit complains to Kermit that he thought he was tonight’s guest star, and now has nothing to do on the show. Kermit offers to find him a spot.
Jack Grapefruit (excitedly): “On the show?”
Kermit: “No, in the canteen.”
(Kermit chuckles silently to himself.)
Jack Grapefruit: “How’d you like juice in your eye, Frog?”
(He scowls and walks away.)
SKETCH: Jack Lemmon plays Mr. Hoag, chief of the Pigs in Space mission control center (with an all-pig staff) as the Swinetrek attempts a docking to refuel. His staff keeps mispronouncing his name as "hog".
Jack: “I’m wondering if this is how I got the interview.”
(The ship comes dangerously close to collision due to Link’s driving, and Jack admonishes the staff for wanting to take a swill break in the middle of a crisis. After a successful docking and crisis averted, the Swinetrek picks up a stowaway hanging off the back of the craft: an alien (from the Jonathan Winters episode.)
Jack: “We’ve gotta bring those pigs back!”
Pig: “Why, are they in danger?”
Jack: “No, we’re having a luau next week.”
(Jack chuckles as the pigs jump him.)
Jack: “Wait! I was just kidding!”
(The pigs exit. Jack breathes a sigh of relief as Miss Piggy enters and karate chops him in the gut.)
Waldorf: “I wouldn’t let those pigs stay in that flying tin can.”
Statler: “I would.”
Waldorf: “What?!”
Statler: “Sure! I love canned spam.”
(They laugh.)
SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef tries to prepare Jack Grapefruit, who escapes by squirting juice in the Chef’s eye.
DRESSING ROOM; SONG: Rowlf knocks and enters, leading Beauregard, who’s pushing a piano into Jack’s dressing room.
Jack: “Thanks, Bo.”
(Beauregard responds to a fruit bowl.)
Beauregard: “You're welcome, Mr. Lemon!”
Jack: “Ahem! I'm over here. Thanks for your aid, Bo.”
Beauregard: “Um, if I'm giving to Mr. Lemon, does that mean it’s --”
All: “Lemon aid?”
Rowlf: “Yeah, thank you Beauregard. I’ll see you around.”
(Rowlf pats Bo on the back as Bo exits. He explains to Jack that he had the piano delivered to his dressing room because he knows Jack is an avid pianist and likes to relax by playing the piano. Rowlf tries it out and one key makes a splashing sound. He knocks on the piano.)
Rowlf: “Hey, Obie?”
(Obie the fish pops out.)
Rowlf: “Everything all right down there?”
Obie: “Should be all right now!”
(Rowlf tries again and all the keys sound normal.)
Rowlf: “Thanks a lot, Obie.”
(Obie goes back into the piano.)
Jack: “What’s that all about?”
Rowlf: “Oh, he’s the piano tuna! You can go ahead and play, if you want.”
(Jack sits down and plays): SONG: Jack plays “Nevermore”.
UK SPOT: “Disco Inferno” – Whatnots sing and dance in a discotheque while Crazy Harry detonates explosions around them
MUPPET SPORTS: “Gelatin Rowing” – a rowing team rows through an outdoor tank of Jell-o. In a shocking twist, Lewis finds out that the Swedish Chef has prepared cactus-flavored gelatin! The rowers accidentally pull up the cacti with their oars and toss them into the air, where they land back on the rowers.
Statler: “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!”
Waldorf: “Hey! The sketch is over.”
Statler: “No, I’m HAVING a stroke!”
DRESSING ROOM: Kermit drops in on Jack, who loses his voice after accidentally drinking the Chef’s cactus cooler left on the piano. Now he can’t do his big closing number with Miss Piggy!
PIGS IN SPACE: An alien (from the Jonathan Winters episode) shows up and wants to commandeer the ship, demonstrating his competence and making promises of what he'd do as captain that appeal to Piggy and Strangepork, not to mention being clearly smarter than Link, leaving him to defend his record as captain. Link finally wins the argument by promising extra swill.
BACKSTAGE: Dr. Bob prescribes, ironically, tea with lemon for Jack Lemmon to get his voice back. Even more ironically, the Chef is out of lemons, so “grapefruit will do”. Jack Grapefruit saves Jack Lemmon’s voice.
CLOSING NUMBER: “You Make Me Feel So Young” – In a nightclub, Jack plays the piano and sings to Miss Piggy, backed by Bobby Benson’s Baby Band. Jack and Piggy get up to dance, so Rowlf takes over the piano and Jack Grapefruit takes the solo.
CURTAIN: Jack Lemmon enters.
Jack Lemmon: “Thanks a lot, Kermit. I’ve had a lot of fun, and I’d like to thank Jack Grapefruit for saving the day.”
(Jack Grapefruit enters.)
Jack Grapefruit: “Thank you, thank you! It’s been my pleasure, Jack! Hey, you know, you and I should team up for an act! I can see it now: Grapefruit and Lemmon, the pair with a twist! Whaddya say? We can try it once and see if it works!”
Jack Lemmon: “Sounds like a one-night fruit stand.”
(Kermit laughs.)
Kermit: “And we’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Jack, Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf, Floyd, the Swedish Chef, Bobby Benson, a Baby, Jack Grapefruit, and the Blindfolded Whatnot gather around. The Blindfolded Whatnot accidentally jabs Kermit’s backside, causing him to leap offstage into the orchestra pit with a loud crash. Blindfolded Whatnot raises his blindfold to survey the damage he caused.)
Waldorf: “Now, why do you suppose they’d have a grapefruit make such a big appearance?”
Statler: “Easy, this show always goes sour!”
(S & W laugh.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Fazoob, Link, Rowlf, Swedish Chef
Frank: Animal, Marvin Suggs, Mean Mama, Piggy
Jerry: Floyd, Lew Zealand, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry, Dr. Strangepork, Pig, Lewis Kazagger, Baby
Richard: Scooter, Janice, Fazoob, Statler, Pig, Bobby Benson
Dave: Gonzo, Pig, Beauregard, Alien, Baby
Steve: Jack Grapefruit, Blindfolded Whatnot, Pig, Obie the Fish
Louise: Fazoob, Baby
Kathy: Fazoob, Baby
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole
STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa Jonathan Winters, Star Wars)
COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter: “Jack Lemmon! 15 seconds to curtain, Mr. Lemmon!”
Jack Lemmon: “Thank you, Scooter!”
Jack Grapefruit (O.S.): “Now, wait just a minute!”
(Jack Grapefruit hops out of the fruit bowl, indignant because he thought HE was the guest star.)
Jack Grapefruit: “You’re going to hear from my agent!”
(He exits in a huff.)
Jack Lemmon: “I’ve heard of sour grapes, but sour grapefruits?”
OPENING THEME:
ORCHESTRA PIT: Animal plays a drum solo; the drum explodes.
GONZO’S TRUMPET GAG: Gonzo plays a cucumber like a flute.
Gonzo: “It's a dill piccolo! HA! HA! HA!”
OPENING NUMBER: “Mama Told Me Not to Come” – Floyd wanders through a party hosted by Gonzo (“Jamboree” set), populated by Lew Zealand, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry (with an exploding cigarette), Marvin Suggs (who knocks Janice unconscious), the Four Fazoobs, Mean Mama (eating everything), and a hapless blindfolded Whatnot man playing pin the tail on the donkey (he accidentally pokes everyone, ending with Mean Mama, who eats him)
Waldorf: “After a number like that, I’m glad to be up here where it's safe.”
(Blindfolded Whatnot sticks a pin in Waldorf’s backside. Waldorf jumps out of the balcony.)
Statler: “You weren’t just surprised by that, you were FLOORED by it! Ha ha ha!”
Whatnot: “What happened?”
BACKSTAGE: Jack Grapefruit complains to Kermit that he thought he was tonight’s guest star, and now has nothing to do on the show. Kermit offers to find him a spot.
Jack Grapefruit (excitedly): “On the show?”
Kermit: “No, in the canteen.”
(Kermit chuckles silently to himself.)
Jack Grapefruit: “How’d you like juice in your eye, Frog?”
(He scowls and walks away.)
SKETCH: Jack Lemmon plays Mr. Hoag, chief of the Pigs in Space mission control center (with an all-pig staff) as the Swinetrek attempts a docking to refuel. His staff keeps mispronouncing his name as "hog".
Jack: “I’m wondering if this is how I got the interview.”
(The ship comes dangerously close to collision due to Link’s driving, and Jack admonishes the staff for wanting to take a swill break in the middle of a crisis. After a successful docking and crisis averted, the Swinetrek picks up a stowaway hanging off the back of the craft: an alien (from the Jonathan Winters episode.)
Jack: “We’ve gotta bring those pigs back!”
Pig: “Why, are they in danger?”
Jack: “No, we’re having a luau next week.”
(Jack chuckles as the pigs jump him.)
Jack: “Wait! I was just kidding!”
(The pigs exit. Jack breathes a sigh of relief as Miss Piggy enters and karate chops him in the gut.)
Waldorf: “I wouldn’t let those pigs stay in that flying tin can.”
Statler: “I would.”
Waldorf: “What?!”
Statler: “Sure! I love canned spam.”
(They laugh.)
SWEDISH CHEF: The Chef tries to prepare Jack Grapefruit, who escapes by squirting juice in the Chef’s eye.
DRESSING ROOM; SONG: Rowlf knocks and enters, leading Beauregard, who’s pushing a piano into Jack’s dressing room.
Jack: “Thanks, Bo.”
(Beauregard responds to a fruit bowl.)
Beauregard: “You're welcome, Mr. Lemon!”
Jack: “Ahem! I'm over here. Thanks for your aid, Bo.”
Beauregard: “Um, if I'm giving to Mr. Lemon, does that mean it’s --”
All: “Lemon aid?”
Rowlf: “Yeah, thank you Beauregard. I’ll see you around.”
(Rowlf pats Bo on the back as Bo exits. He explains to Jack that he had the piano delivered to his dressing room because he knows Jack is an avid pianist and likes to relax by playing the piano. Rowlf tries it out and one key makes a splashing sound. He knocks on the piano.)
Rowlf: “Hey, Obie?”
(Obie the fish pops out.)
Rowlf: “Everything all right down there?”
Obie: “Should be all right now!”
(Rowlf tries again and all the keys sound normal.)
Rowlf: “Thanks a lot, Obie.”
(Obie goes back into the piano.)
Jack: “What’s that all about?”
Rowlf: “Oh, he’s the piano tuna! You can go ahead and play, if you want.”
(Jack sits down and plays): SONG: Jack plays “Nevermore”.
UK SPOT: “Disco Inferno” – Whatnots sing and dance in a discotheque while Crazy Harry detonates explosions around them
MUPPET SPORTS: “Gelatin Rowing” – a rowing team rows through an outdoor tank of Jell-o. In a shocking twist, Lewis finds out that the Swedish Chef has prepared cactus-flavored gelatin! The rowers accidentally pull up the cacti with their oars and toss them into the air, where they land back on the rowers.
Statler: “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!”
Waldorf: “Hey! The sketch is over.”
Statler: “No, I’m HAVING a stroke!”
DRESSING ROOM: Kermit drops in on Jack, who loses his voice after accidentally drinking the Chef’s cactus cooler left on the piano. Now he can’t do his big closing number with Miss Piggy!
PIGS IN SPACE: An alien (from the Jonathan Winters episode) shows up and wants to commandeer the ship, demonstrating his competence and making promises of what he'd do as captain that appeal to Piggy and Strangepork, not to mention being clearly smarter than Link, leaving him to defend his record as captain. Link finally wins the argument by promising extra swill.
BACKSTAGE: Dr. Bob prescribes, ironically, tea with lemon for Jack Lemmon to get his voice back. Even more ironically, the Chef is out of lemons, so “grapefruit will do”. Jack Grapefruit saves Jack Lemmon’s voice.
CLOSING NUMBER: “You Make Me Feel So Young” – In a nightclub, Jack plays the piano and sings to Miss Piggy, backed by Bobby Benson’s Baby Band. Jack and Piggy get up to dance, so Rowlf takes over the piano and Jack Grapefruit takes the solo.
CURTAIN: Jack Lemmon enters.
Jack Lemmon: “Thanks a lot, Kermit. I’ve had a lot of fun, and I’d like to thank Jack Grapefruit for saving the day.”
(Jack Grapefruit enters.)
Jack Grapefruit: “Thank you, thank you! It’s been my pleasure, Jack! Hey, you know, you and I should team up for an act! I can see it now: Grapefruit and Lemmon, the pair with a twist! Whaddya say? We can try it once and see if it works!”
Jack Lemmon: “Sounds like a one-night fruit stand.”
(Kermit laughs.)
Kermit: “And we’ll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!”
(Jack, Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf, Floyd, the Swedish Chef, Bobby Benson, a Baby, Jack Grapefruit, and the Blindfolded Whatnot gather around. The Blindfolded Whatnot accidentally jabs Kermit’s backside, causing him to leap offstage into the orchestra pit with a loud crash. Blindfolded Whatnot raises his blindfold to survey the damage he caused.)
Waldorf: “Now, why do you suppose they’d have a grapefruit make such a big appearance?”
Statler: “Easy, this show always goes sour!”
(S & W laugh.)
Character credits:
Jim: Kermit, Waldorf, Fazoob, Link, Rowlf, Swedish Chef
Frank: Animal, Marvin Suggs, Mean Mama, Piggy
Jerry: Floyd, Lew Zealand, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry, Dr. Strangepork, Pig, Lewis Kazagger, Baby
Richard: Scooter, Janice, Fazoob, Statler, Pig, Bobby Benson
Dave: Gonzo, Pig, Beauregard, Alien, Baby
Steve: Jack Grapefruit, Blindfolded Whatnot, Pig, Obie the Fish
Louise: Fazoob, Baby
Kathy: Fazoob, Baby
Comments encouraged.
David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole