TMS outline - Carole King! (by Gorgon Heap & kathy26)

Gorgon Heap

Well-Known Member
Apr 15, 2002
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Or, "A Visit from the Emperor of Koozebane". Enjoy!


STYLE: SEASON FOUR (circa Lynda Carter, Andy Williams)

COLD OPENING: Scooter knocks and enters.

Scooter: "Carole King! 15 seconds to curtain, Carole."

Carole: "All right, thanks Scooter."

Scooter: "Hope you like the flowers --"

Carole: "Oh, yes..."

Scooter: "-- They like you."

Carole: "What?"

(The flowers kiss Carole.)

Carole: "Well, no shrinking violets here."

(They all laugh.)

S & W: Angus McGonagle pops up and gargles the theme
GONZO: Trumpet-Nosed Koozebanian Fazoob steps into the 'O', and Gonzo plays the high C on HIM.

Gonzo: "Finally, a nose that's more obnoxious than MINE!"

(They nod and chuckle.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, we have a great show lined up for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the great stars of the music world, Miss Carole King!"

(Behind him, Hugga Wugga (Frank) & Chopped Liver (Jerry), both clad in secret service garb and dark sunglasses, scope out the place.)

Kermit: "Uh, you may notice some alien characters around here tonight. That's because we have a VIP in attendance tonight: the Emperor of the Planet Koozebane."

("WHOA" from the audience. Kermit nods. HW & CL whisper. HW runs up to the front of the stage.)

Kermit: "You see, we've had a number of Koozebanians on our show before, and --"

(Hugga Wugga berates him.)

HW: "Hey! That was supposed to be top secret! You've compromised the security of our monarch!"

Kermit: "I-I-I-I'm sorry."

HW: "Sorry doesn't cut it! Now what're you gonna do about it?!"

(HW blasts smoke.)

Kermit (to audience): "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, a correction to my previous statement: there will be NO Koozebanian heads of state attending tonight's show."

(Hugga Wugga presses him for more. Kermit gets nervous.)

Kermit: "In fact, there will be NO Koozebanians attending tonight's show."

(Hugga Wugga still stares him down.)

Kermit (quivering): "I-I-I-In fact, I made the whole thing up and I'm not to be trusted!"

(Hugga Wugga nods in satisfaction, and exits with Chopped Liver.)

Kermit: "Uh, ahem, ladies and gentlemen, now here she is, our very special guest star, Miss Carole King! Yay!"

OPENING NUMBER: "Jazzman"- Carole and the Electric Mayhem on a rooftop set

Waldorf: “Great number, I love jazz!”

Statler: “Oh?”

Waldorf: “Sure! You know, in my day, I was quite the aficionado of Count Basie.”

Statler: “In your day, you could’ve been the babysitter of Count Basie! Ha ha ha!”

(Waldorf frowns.)

BACKSTAGE: The band returns from the stage. In the background, Hugga Wugga & Chopped Liver survey the backstage area.

Kermit: "Good number, guys! Way to go!"

(Scooter rushes in.)

Scooter: "Say, Chief, is it true the Emperor of Koozebane is coming to see the show tonight?"

Kermit: "Yes, that's true, Scooter. He hasn't arrived yet, though. His bodyguards are back there securing the perimeter."

Scooter: "Wow."

(The Herald - the Trumpet-Nosed Fazoob (Steve) - enters, playing a fanfare on his nose (played by Drum-Headed Fazoob behind him.)

Herald: "Hear ye, hear ye! Please rise in the presence of his noble eminence, the Emperor of Koozebane!"

(The Emperor – the Fish-Like Fazoob (Dave) - enters. He speaks only in grunts and gibberish.)

Emperor: "(speaks gibberish)"

Herald: "Kermit the Frog: the Emperor is pleased to make your acquaintance."

Kermit: "Oh, well thank you very much!"

(Kermit extends his hand for a handshake. HW & CL tackle him.)

Herald: "Never – EVER – extend a hand toward the almighty Emperor! The proper course of action when introduced to royalty on Koozebane is to bow! Like this."

(The Herald demonstrates the proper bow. The security men join in. Kermit & Scooter follow. Much bowing.)

Emperor: "(gibberish)"

Herald: "The emperor is well pleased with your show of respect."

Emperor: (gibberish)

Herald: "The Emperor is expecting to be entertained."

Kermit: "Oh, he certainly will be."

Herald: "This show had better be good --"

Kermit: "Oh, it will be just great."

Herald: "-- or else."

Kermit: "Uh-oh. Or else what?"

Herald: "Well, you see, your planet obstructs our view of Saturn..."

Kermit: "Uh-huh."

Herald: "... And the emperor here was thinking about vaporizing it."

Kermit: "(GASP!) Wh-wh-wh-what?!"

Herald: "Yeah. But don't worry, you'll all be taken care of before that happens."

Kermit: "Oh?"

Herald: "Yeah, you'll all be transformed into mushrooms and harvested for gravy."
"The emperor LOVES mushroom gravy."

Kermit: "But, but you can't just --"

Herald: "Of course, your guest star, Carole King, will be spared. The emperor came 83 million miles to see her. So if this show cuts the mustard, you won't end up in the soup -- so to speak. A little humor, there."

Kermit (sarcastic): "Yeah... Nothing like a joke to take the edge off of Doomsday."

(Kermit exits.)

MUPPET NEWS: Newsman rushes in.

Newsman: "Here is a Muppet Newsflash! Dateline: The Muppet Show. Visiting VIP the Emperor of Koozebane has announced his intention to vaporize the earth and turn all its denizens into mushrooms, unless entertained by tonight's "Muppet Show". So for your own sake, if not for ours, if you have any ideas, PLEASE give us a ring."

(A cartoonishly oversized diamond ring falls on the Newsman.)

BACKSTAGE: the Emperor laughs as the Newsman returns, woozy, from the stage.

Herald: "The Emperor is enjoying the show."
(aside, to Kermit)
"He LOVES slapstick."

Kermit: "Oh, good!"
"If I make it through this, I'll never complain about Scooter's uncle again."

Herald: "Well, what's on next?"

Kermit: "Oh! Uh, Fozzie's monologue!"

Herald: "That the dumb bear who tells even dumber jokes?"

Kermit: "Uh, ha ha, yeah, but you must admit he's very earnest!"

(The Herald turns to the Emperor, who makes a yawning gesture. Fozzie enters.)

Fozzie: “Kermit?”
“Is it true the Emperor of Koozebane is threatening to turn us all into mushrooms if he doesn’t like the show?”

Kermit: “Well, Fozzie, that’s rather difficult to say. Uh, well, the answer would have to be… yes?”

Fozzie: “Oh, boy! Talk about pressure! I wouldn’t want to be on next.”

(Kermit looks at the running order.)

Kermit: “Uh, Fozzie? You’re on next.”

(Fozzie screams.)

Kermit: "Whoa, calm down, Fozzie. Everything will be just fine. You’ll be great.”

Fozzie: “Sigh! I wish I believed that.”

Kermit: “Uh, would you like to meet the Emperor?"

(Fozzie hems and haws and stammers as Kermit leads him over to the Emperor.)

Kermit (aside, to Fozzie: "Just remember: bow, don't shake hands."

Fozzie: "Hi!"
(bows to the Emperor)
"It's a real honor! I've never performed for royalty before!"

Emperor: "(gibberish)"

Herald: "And you may never do it again."

Fozzie: “Kermit!”

(He tries to run. Kermit leads him to the stage.)

FOZZIE'S MONOLOGUE: Fozzie tries to get through his monologue, but is so nervous he forgets his own jokes. Every time he looks into the wings, there’s the Emperor with his ray gun at the ready.

Fozzie finally remembers a joke – and it bombs.

Waldorf: “Amazing! Incredible! What an accomplishment.”

Statler: “What accomplishment?”

Waldorf: “He’s so bad, he’s doomed the entire planet in three minutes!”

(S & W laugh.)

Statler: “Hey, why are we laughing?”

(S & W exchange worried glances.)

BACKSTAGE: Fozzie returns, dejected. The Emperor puts his arm around him, appearing to speak words of comfort.

Emperor: “(gibberish)”

Herald: “"Don't feel bad. At least you'll taste good once you're transformed into a mushroom."

(The emperor aims the ray gun type transforming device. Fozzie screams and runs away.)

Herald: "Speaking of mushrooms, have you got any food in this joint?"

(Kermit summons the Swedish Chef, who mistakes the emperor for a fish and tries to put him in the pot. The Emperor flips out, threatening Kermit with his ray gun, only stopping when he finds out Carole is on next.)

SONG: "So Far Away"- Carole at the piano on a bare stage, with accompaniment by Janice & Floyd, background vocals by Annie Sue, Scooter, Robin, Beauregard, and Lew Zealand

UK SPOT: SONG: Boccherini's "Minuet in A Major" - Floyd & Beauregard are messing around playing music when Sam asks, "if you're going to do that, at least play something cultural!" So they play the minuet, joined one by one by a host of others: Drumhead Fazoob playing Trumpet Nosed Fazoob, Nigel whistling, a chicken playing chimes, Beaker playing empty bottles, maybe Rizzo with a slide whistle, until it grows raucous and Sam throws them out

MUPPET SPORTS: “Truck and Field” (runners race around a track while trying to avoid getting run over by a truck. In the end, all the runners get run down – as does Lewis.)

BACKSTAGE: Lewis and the Whatnot runners stagger in from the stage. The Emperor is still laughing. Over by Kermit’s desk, Kermit clandestinely enlists Bunsen’s help in replacing the Emperor’s ray gun with a harmless decoy.

Bunsen: “Excuse me, Mr. Emperor of Koozebane, sir, but I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, resident scientist, and I wonder if you would permit me to examine your ray gun. It would do WONDERS for my research in instant vegetization.”

Emperor: “(considers, relents, warns, all in gibberish)”

Herald: “The Emperor says, “OK, scientist, but no funny stuff”.”

Bunsen: “Thank you, Mr. Emperor.”
(holds gun, looks it over)
“How fascinating. Oops!”

(He drops it. The Emperor, Herald, and Security Guards all gasp.)

Bunsen: “Sorry.”

Herald: “You have allowed the sacred Koozebanian mushroom gun to TOUCH the GROUND! This is an OUTRAGE!”

(Bunsen picks it up.)

Bunsen: “A thousand pardons. Here it is, unharmed.”

(The real gun falls out of his sleeve. The Emperor picks it up.)

Herald: “And an attempt at THEFT on top of all that?!”

(The Koozebanians exchange slack-jawed glances with each other.)

Kermit: “Now wait a minute, I can explain –“

Herald: “Don’t bother! This! Means! WAR!”

(The Emperor fires at Bunsen’s head, turning it into… a cauliflower.)

Emperor: “(frustrated gibberish)”

Herald: “"He said, "Oh darn, I had it set on CAULIFLOWER!"
(aside to Kermit)
“He hates cauliflower."

(The Emperor turns Bunsen back to normal with a second shot. Bunsen runs away. The Emperor and his security guards fire all over the place, turning random objects into mushrooms and forcing Kermit to flee.)

SONG: "Hooked on a Feeling" - a goldfish (Steve) sings while above, a fisherman (Jerry) dangles a line. At the end, the goldfish motions for a shark (Richard) to tug the line, and the fisherman gets a surprise when he pulls up the shark, who attacks him.

BACKSTAGE: The Emperor holds Kermit at ray gunpoint when Scooter races in and interrupts. He tells Kermit that the synthesizer the band needs for Carole King’s closing number got turned into a mushroom.

The Emperor produces a Koozebanian synthesizer… that only HE can play. He asks to sit in with Carole in the closing number, and in exchange, agrees not to destroy the planet and turn everyone into mushrooms.

CLOSING NUMBER: "Nightingale"- Carole on a sun-drenched seaside clifftop backed up by Floyd, Janice, Animal, and the Koozebanian Emperor, with the “Take a Chance” birds on background vocals and a marionette nightingale

CURTAIN: Carole is excited about becoming the first performer to play an interplanetary performance -- she's been offered an exclusive three-month contract to perform on Koozebane!

Statler: “Uh-oh!”

Waldorf: “Don’t do it, Carole!”

Emperor: “(angry, puffed-up gibberish)”

(The Emperor fires. Statler & Waldorf turn into talking mushrooms. He laughs and exits with the Herald.)

Kermit: “Uh-oh. Looks like we’ve got serious trouble!”

Carole: “More than that, Kermit, you’ve got serious truffles!”

Kermit: “That’s our kind of joke, Carole. We’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show!”

(Carole, Kermit, Scooter, Janice, Zoot, Robin, Annie Sue, Beauregard, Rizzo and short pink-haired bird gather around.)

(S & W have been turned into mushrooms.)

Statler: “Well, we may not be the life of the party –-“

Waldorf: “But at least we’re a couple of fungis!”

(They laugh. The Emperor drags them away.)

Comments welcome.

David "Gorgon Heap" Ebersole

Gorgon Heap

Well-Known Member
Apr 15, 2002
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Slight change in order. I see this one with bit less muted color palette than the Lynda Carter and Andy Williams episode, so put it between the Christopher Reeve and Lynda Carter episodes.