TMS fic: Growing Together

[Slackbot]

Growing Together​

Part 3: Weird and Weirder​

by Kim McFarland​

*****

It was a normal, sunny, mild day, bereft of darkness or storminess. It was also the day before Friday, which is to say Thursday, thus they had one more day to rehearse before the weekend shows. Lew Zealand were doing just that onstage, which is a good place for a rehearsal.

Scooter and Kermit were watching from the desk backstage right. Zealand was throwing his boomerang fish, but only some of them were coming back. That was to be expected, according to Zealand; they were trainees. Kermit wondered if he ought to worry because that actually made sense to him, and decided not to bother; it was much too late for that.

Zealand finished up his fish-pitching and left the stage, discussing matters with his kippers. Scooter and Kermit watched him go by, carrying on his monologue. Then they looked at each other and shrugged. Weirdness was a relative thing. Many of them had once considered Gonzo weird because of his affection for chickens, but at least you could talk with a chicken. Well, he could.

Scooter asked, "What do you think, boss?"

"Maybe he can slap those fish into shape," Kermit replied. "Even if he can't, it's good for a laugh."

"Gotcha." Scooter made a note on his clipboard.

Now the jug band was setting up onstage. They were still missing the jug player. Scooter tapped the intercom on Kermit's desk. "Jan, you're on."

Janken replied, "Okay."

Kermit watched, surprised, as Janken came onstage and sat behind the jug. The fiddle player played a brief introduction, and then they began twanging, scratching, and blowing a tune that Kermit recognized as John Peel.

Kermit asked Scooter, "How're we looking for acts?"

"We have enough ready to go for the first show. In fact, we're probably going to have to cut some for time."

"Ah, you can cut mine," Fozzie said.

Kermit turned to him. "You don't want to do a comedy spot?"

Nervously Fozzie said, "Ah...well, we're going to have Weird Al Yankovic on the show, and he's so funny! How could I even be in the same show as him?"

Kermit replied, "The same way you did with Milton Berle. Just join in."

"Gee, I don't know." Fozzie looked away.

Scooter said, "Fozzie, you're very funny! I bet you and Weird Al would be great together."

"Aw, you're just saying that," the bear murmured.

"No, I mean it!" He said to Kermit, "Don't you think so?"

"Sure," the frog replied with a smile.

Fozzie, twiddling his scarflike tie, looked up again and said, "Aw... thanks for saying that."

Scooter heard a tapping at the back door and went down the stairs, leaving Kermit to the task of reassuring Fozzie. He opened the door and saw a tall man sporting long, frizzy hair, a colorful Hawaiian shirt, and a grin. Scooter chirped, "Hi, come on in!"

Weird Al Yankovic came into the theater. "I wasn't sure I was in the right place."

"Why, didn't they give you directions?"

"Down the alley between the bank and the apartments, right at the dumpster, and it's the door after the three trash cans. There were only two, but I took a chance."

As he led Al up the stairs he said, "Oh, Bo must have told you how to get here. Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, welcome to the Muppet Theater. We're all excited that you're finally going to be in our show! We were able to work in a lot of the ideas we talked about on the phone."

"Oh, great," Al said.

"Let me go find you a copy of the script. In the meantime--" He tapped on Fozzie's shoulder. He had been talking to Kermit and had not noticed that the guest star had arrived. He glanced over, then up. Scooter continued, "Fozzie, wouldja show Al around? Thanks." He went around the back to cross over to backstage left.

Fozzie stared, then stammered, "Ma-ha-ha..." He looked at Kermit for help.

Kermit patted his back and said, "Thanks, Fozzie," then walked off.

Fozzie looked back at Al and stammered for a few more moments, then got hold of himself. "I will show you around the theater!" he declared. "Um, over there's the stage," he said, pointing. Then he went to a door on the other side of the exit. "The canteen's down here. Um. They make good sandwiches. Ah, and up here's the dressing rooms," he finished, starting up the stairs.

Amused, Al followed him. Fozzie led him to a door and held it open for him. Al went in, saying, "I can't believe I'm here."

"I can't believe you're here too. And now that you're here. I don't know what to say," Fozzie admitted. "You're so funny!"

"Thanks, Fozzie. So are you," Al replied.

Fozzie did a double take. "You mean that?" he said, surprised.

"Yeah! No matter what, you're always out there telling jokes. Y'know what, it's easy being a comedian when everyone already thinks you're funny, but it takes nerve to stick with it when they don't."

"I, uh, I...thanks!" Fozzie stammered.

"So, are we going to do an act together?"

"I-I don't know. I haven't seen the script yet," Fozzie said. Suddenly he regretted telling Kermit to cut his act.

Scooter rapped on the door. It was already open, but he did that to announce his presence anyway. "Weird Al, here's your script," he said, offering some paper stapled at the corner.

"Thanks," Al said as he accepted it.

Scooter hustled back down the stairs and told Kermit, "Fozzie's over it."

"Oh, good."

Onstage, the jug band was singing about various members of the animal kingdom. Kermit told Scooter, "Those aren't the lyrics I used to hear back in the swamp."

"Really? What were they like?"

Kermit couldn't tell if Scooter meant it or was playing innocent. Probably the former, he thought; city kids don't grow up with folk songs. "I don't exactly remember."

"Oh."

They both watched the rest of the rehearsal. Janken fit right in. As Scooter had expected, he had picked up how to play the jug immediately, once he had worked out the proper embouchure—which was a little tricky because of his snout, but he solved the problem by tilting his head far back to compensate.

The song finished, and Janken hopped up and went back to the camera console. Scooter tapped the intercom and said, "Nice work, Jan."

Janken replied, "Thanks. The Jughuggers said I'm 'perty good fer a greenhorn.' What's a greenhorn?"

"A newbie. Wanna be the understudy?"

Janken laughed. "Yeah, right."

Scooter made a note by that act on his clipboard.

*****

All characters except Janken and Weird Al Yankovic are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. Weird Al Yankovic is, of course, copyright himself. All copyrighted characters and people are used without permission but with much respect and affection Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Good... An actual update.

So that's how to get to the Muppet Theater. If you're a guest star or part of the acting troop. We'd probably need directions to get in through the lobby. Maybe we could call to give us a lift since that's how far his cab can go.

Nice how Fozzie gets over his apparent idol fright. Reminds me of both the Racquel Welch episode and the bit from Rocky Top from the beginning of the Roy Clark episode where the bear resignedly gets relegated to the stagehands' duties.

Can't wait for the actual show. More please!

 

[Ruahnna]

Sheesh! Here I was, dashing in to read, dashing out again--and not leaving feedback. SHAME on me!
I'm so glad Fozzie is getting over his, er, guest-star fright. He's really quite a dear, and sometimes need a little encouragement.
I do love a good jugband. (I have a cousin Kermit who plays in a bluegrass band. No, I am NOT making that up.)
I also like a happy, non-snarky Kermit. I'm kind of over snarky Kermit for a while.
And of course Scooter, whose efficiency is legend above and below.
Happy posting!

 

[Puckrox]

Great update! Weird Al would be a great host for TMS. Glad him and Fozzie are getting along!

More please!

 

[Slackbot]

The Count: An actual update, as opposed to an ersatz update? And Bo could take Al backstage, I'm sure. In TGMC Bo claimed he could only go as far as the lobby, but then he drove right through the kitchen.

Ruahnna: Yes, Fozzie really is sweet. He doesn't shine as bright as the other characters, and stories don't jump to mind when I contemplate him, but when I write for him I enjoy it. As for Scooter, in my mind a good bit of his efficiency comes from his uncle's influence. He didn't become an amoral, ruthless businessman, but he does have a manipulative streak, something that is a definite asset in a cat herder stage manager.

Puckrox: I agree, Weird Al should have been a guest star on TMS. A pity his career didn't take off until 1984 with Eat It. I had originally planned for him to be the guest star in Masks, but at about the same time someone else was writing a piece with Weird Al as the star, so I switched to MC Frontalot, my favorite nerdcore hiphop rapper. This time around I figured, what the heck, I want Weird Al!

I'm almost finished with the first draft of the next chapter, and this story is really whip-cracking on me. The characters are starting to do stuff I hadn't planned and rearrange the scenes to suit themselves. Hey, cool, as long as I end up with a coherent whole it's fine with me. While I'm at it, here's a little snippet from the next chapter:

*****

Weird Al came out of his dressing room. Gonzo was hanging around backstage. He glanced over, and his eyes went wide. "I can't believe it!"

Weird Al smiled as Gonzo rushed up the stairs. "Believe it. I'm me," he said.

Gonzo stared at his tropical shirt, then exclaimed, "Who's your tailor?"

 

[Slackbot]

Growing Together​

Part 4: Bright Ideas​

by Kim McFarland​

*****

Weird Al heard a knock at the dressing room door, and called, "Come in."

Miss Piggy, dressed in cornflower satin, swept in. When she caught sight of Al she said, "Oh, excuse me, Moi was looking for Monsieur Yankovic."

"That's me," he replied with a grin.

She looked the man up and down. The man was tall and well-built, but he hid it behind a loud Hawaiian shirt and the frizziest mop of hair this side of Carrot Top. Then she smiled winningly and said, "I came to talk with you about our song."

"Yes! Thank you for doing One More Minute with me," he said.

"Moi couldn't help noticing that moi doesn't have any lines," she mentioned casually.

"I was hoping you'd be the girl I was singing about," he explained.

"Ah, the heartbreaker you cannot bear to live without."

"With or without," he answered with a grin. "And you can do whatever you want with it. Have fun. Surprise me."

"Oh, I will. It will be divine," she replied.

"Just please pull your punches, that's all I ask."

She stopped in mid-pose and looked at him oddly. Then she laughed and said, "Never fear. I will be gentle with vous."

"That's great. Oh, and one other thing. Could I have your autograph? For my daughter, Nina."

Daughter? She paused, then replied brightly, "Of course, I'll give you an autographed glossy for the little dear. And the others can even sign the back. They're always happy to give autographs when people ask."

*

Miss Piggy sailed off to her dressing room. So maybe Al wasn't exactly the hunk she had imagined, but he was sweet in his own way. And he had the good taste to ask her to play the song's femme fatale. She would do the song justice, of course.

Weird Al came out of his dressing room. Gonzo was hanging around backstage. He glanced over, and his eyes went wide. "I can't believe it!"

Weird Al smiled as Gonzo rushed up the stairs. "Believe it. I'm me," he said.

Gonzo stared at his tropical shirt, then exclaimed, "Who's your tailor?"

*

The Muppets were getting seriously down to the task of rehearsing the parts of the show that couldn't be ad-libbed safely. Onstage, Rowlf, Clifford, and Pepe were practicing doo-wop movements. Pepe was attempting choreography, demonstrating different arm movements. It was an interesting task for Rowlf and Clifford, who were never sure which pair of arms to look at. Things went smoother after Pepe decided to swing both sets of arms in synchrony, which, Pepe decided, looked slicker anyway.

Janken and Scooter were idly watching the act on his monitor. Janken always watched the rehearsals so he would see what was, in theory, going to happen and be able to capture it with the cameras. This was going to be an easy one, no fast movement or unusual angles. Just keep the center camera on Al and Piggy, plus one or two on the sides for a variety of views, and keep another on the doo-wop group for cutaways.

"He's doing a pretty good job," Scooter, looking over Janken's shoulder, remarked.

"Pepe?"

"Yeah. He wanted to lead the doo-wop backup, and nobody else objected, so he got the job. I've never seen him choreograph anything before, but he's doing all right."

"Everyone has hidden talents."

"Anyway, that's a relief. I was worried I'd have to straighten that out."

Janken looked over. Scooter normally just did whatever it took to keep the ball rolling and didn't worry about it. "You're tense today."

Scooter admitted, "Yeah. I really want this show to shine, and the finals... either one I can cope with, no problem, but both at the same time, whew."

Janken got out of his seat and said. "Sit down." Scooter did. "Undo your jacket."

Scooter popped the snaps, asking "What for?"

"This," Janken said, and pushed the jacket down so he could begin massaging Scooter's shoulders through his shirt. "Wow, I can feel how tense you are."

"Um. Yeah," Scooter said. Janken was kneading his shoulder muscles, and it felt so nice he didn't want to talk. Which was the idea.

Janken kept at it until he felt the tension ebb away, and then for a minute longer. Resting his hands on Scooter's shoulders, he said, "Better?"

"Yeah. That felt great." Scooter had slouched over. He didn't feel a need to straighten up just yet.

"Good."

"Just a few more days. After finals, I'm going to celebrate!"

"How?"

"I don't know. I've forgotten what having free time is like. But I'll think of something."

"'Kay. If there's any way I can help you, say so, all right?"

"I promise."

"Good." Janken gave his shoulders a final squeeze.

*

Meanwhile, Weird Al and Gonzo were chatting and watching the doo-wop practice on the other side. They weren't imitating the video, Al was pleased to see. The Muppets were known for merry chaos, and he was looking forward to whatever they chose to throw at him. The business they were working on now, he had no idea what part of the song it went with. He wouldn't see it onstage either, as his back would be to them unless they really planned to mix up the choreography. He looked forward to finding out what they were up to when he saw it onscreen. He said to Gonzo, "I saw in the script that you're going to bronze your nose."

"Yep," Gonzo said happily. "I've been trying to get Kermit to let me do that for a year."

"What did it take to finally convince him?"

"I had to show him I could actually do it. That's what took so long."

"How'll you get the bronze off your nose aftewards?"

"Grease it with butter and it pops right off. The butter's not a bad moisturizer, too. You wouldn't believe how bronzing dries out your skin." Al was trying to work out a reply to that when Gonzo glanced at the clock on Kermit's desk and said, "Oop, gotta go. I've got a lunch meeting. Have you been down to the canteen?"

"Not yet."

"They make twinkie weiner sandwiches. I found the recipe and gave it to Gladys. Those things are great! Wanna get one?"

"Thanks, but I'm gonna hang around back here for a while."

"Okay. See ya," Gonzo said, and went down to the canteen. It was empty, and Gladys was asleep sitting up behind the counter. Gonzo said, "Hey, can I get some sandwiches?"

She startled awake. Seeing Gonzo, she said, "Finally! I was beginning to think the door was nailed shut. What'll ya have?"

"One peanut butter and gherkin sandwich and, um, one cheese sandwich."

"Yeah, comin' up,"

She assembled the sandwiches, and was about slap the cheese sandwich on the grill when Gonzo said, "Wait! Don't grill it, I want it just like it is."

Holding the sandwich in one hand, she turned back and said, "You want a raw cheese sandwich?"

"Yeah."

"Weirdo." She plunked it on a plate, then put it and the other sandwich in front of Gonzo. He paid her—she remarked, "Hooray, now I can pay the rent,"—and took both plates.

Weird Al was talking with the Electric Mayhem when Gonzo went up the stairs to his dressing room. He locked the door behind himself, then put the sandwiches down. Before long one twitched, and he heard a muffled "Uh, Gonzo?"

"I'm here. Could you switch to the other sandwich? It's gonna be hard to talk through peanut butter."

"Okay." There was silence for a moment, then the cheese sandwich said, "Am I in the right place now?"

"Sure," Gonzo said. "What's up?"

"The science guys have been researching how closely related we are to Earth life using the gene samples we got while we were there. The ones from the feather clippings we got from you, Camilla, and Billie. You know how genes work?"

"Er, more or less," Gonzo replied.

"Let me back up a little then. Genes are instructions for building something that's alive. The geneticists had a field day with those samples, let me tell you. Figured out mutation rates and divergence and a lot of other stuff I can't explain because I don't understand it that well myself. They also sequenced the genes and made simulated versions of you three."

"What's that mean?" Gonzo asked uneasily. "They cloned us?"

"No, no, they used the data from the genes and ran it through a program to see what'd happen. A data model, not the real thing. We do it all the time to find out if babies are going to grow up to have health problems so they can deal with 'em ahead of time. Billie's fine, by the way."

Gonzo smiled and said, "I could've told you that."

"Yeah. Anyway, the science squad loves to solve puzzles, and they spent about a year figuring out your genes. That's their kind of fun. Long story short, they worked out your how compatible your genes are with Camilla's. They say it's a real long shot, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle with no picture. You two really got lucky with Billie."

"No kidding."

"It doesn't help that Camilla's body temperature is higher than yours. It narrows the window of opportunity, if you catch my drift. But they've figured out which genes work. In other words, they can put the puzzle together again."

"Okay, so?" Brian had to be leading up to something.

"So, if they had fresh gene samples they could work their magic and create another one for you, if you two wanted. They would match the genes together, then grow it in an incubator so it'd be ready to hatch the next time we came back here. They'd love to do it; it's their kind of fun."

"You mean, clone us?"

"No, no! A clone is a copy of someone. We don't do that. I can't see your face, Gonzo, but it sounds like you're grossed out. I know this sounds weird to you, but it's really not. We do it all the time. Heck, my parents were gene samples. And, well, considering how long a shot Billie was, maybe it's worth considering?"

"Um... yeah, we'll think about it," Gonzo said. He imagined Camilla's reaction: an indignant squawk. But then, maybe not. If it was the only way...

"No pressure," Brian said. "If you don't want to, that's fine. We'll be in the area for a while, and it'll be a few days before the ship's close enough to Earth anyway. You can let me know what you decide then, okay?"

"Sure. Um... thanks."

"In any case, since we'll be in the neighborhood I'd like to come down there again. Mind if I stop by?"

"Sure, that'd be cool."

"Thanks. Signing off now. Later."

The cheese sandwich fell silent. Gonzo realized he had been neglecting his peanut butter and gherkin sandwich and absently took a bite while wondering what Camilla would think about this, and for that matter what he thought of it.

*****

All characters except Janken, Brian, and Weird Al Yankovic are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. Weird Al Yankovic is, of course, copyright himself. All copyrighted characters and people are used without permission but with much respect and affection Janken and Brian are copyright © Kim McFarland negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Yay! Stuff I liked...
Piggy met with Weird Al and has a better impression of him. Good, seeing as how she don't know him vewy well do she.
Gladys. That alone's worth some ramchips.
But what wins you the whole bag is the PB and gherkin sandwich. Mmm, I haven't had one of those in ages. Or a good ol' PB and dill chip either. What? pickles go great with crunchy peanut butter and toasted whole wheat sandwich bread.
And then there's Brian's conversation with Gonzo. That'll be interesting to read as the story evolves.

Thanks for posting. More please.
*Delivers hot chocolate with peppermints in it.

 

[Slackbot]

At least Piggy's getting his name right now. She saw it printed in the script. (Lots of people call him "Yankovitch", which it was a few generations back on his father's side.)

People actually eat PB and pickles? Eww. And here I thought I was being all weird and stuff. Originally it was PB and Jalopenos, but I thought that would be too predictable.

Brian's conversation with Gonzo - did all that make sense? I know that was a bit of a data dump, and it veered off in an unexpected direction, but I tried to put it all in layman's terms. I didn't want to simplify it too much because it would have sounded like Brian was talking down to Gonzo.

Hot chocolate and peppermints? You are truly a man after my heart! I loves me some chocolate, and chocolate and peppermint is a truly lethal combination.

 

[The Count]

Yes, I think I understand the gist of what Brian was trying to imply/suggest to Gonzo. Now whether Camilla signs off on it, well, that's up to her (and the author).

Yes, PB and pickles are delicious. One time I even did PB and grapes.
When left to forage for my ownself for some semblance of stomach-quieting snackish food or quick breakfasts (cause I can't cook anything) I come up with some weird stuff... Like plunking grapes into a bowl of cereal or broken-up pretzel sticks.

Peppermint (or winter white) hot chocolate is one of a very limited number of things I can actually make... If I have the requisit ingredients at hand.
Milk? Check.
Hershey's Milk Chocolate bars? No... Snickers? Meh, that'll do, chocolate is chocolate.
Peppermints? *Reminds self to buy some at Penny Candyman's when going to the HV Mall to get to the Rainbow Connections Multiplex to watch The Muppets for a second time.
Enjoy the cup and ring the Dinger if you want more.

 

[Puckrox]

I love that Brian's able to switch sandwiches. It makes sense that he has that technology, but I never thought about it until now.

And Pepe as a choreographer = win.