The New New Quote Thread

[cjd874]

Some of Fozzie Bear's opening jokes from TMS Season 1

I finally found a sure way to lose weight: I bought a scale that lies!

Prices are so high that yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a co-signer!

I bet on a horse that came in so late, they paid the jockey time and a half!

If a man born in Poland is a Pole, is a man born in Holland a Hole?

What has a thousand legs, but can't walk? 500 pairs of pants!

I wouldn't say that the Great Gonzo is dumb, but when he graduated from school he didn't get a diploma...he got a pension!

I went to a resort hotel for a change and a rest. The waiter got the change and the hotel got the rest!

30 days has September, April, June, and my cousin Fred...who'll be out on Wednesday!

 

[CBPuppets]

"At our house we use paper plates! And every night after dinner, my wife erases the dishes!"
--Fozzie Bear--

 

[Dominicboo1]

Calcifer: Here's another curse for you may all your bacon burn

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

I've got a dream too, but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

- Kermit

 

[cjd874]

Waldorf: Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler: Gonzo should quit while he's alive! Hohohohohoho!!!

 

[Bliffenstimmers]

MOOMINMAMMA: What is it, dear?
MOOMINPAPPA: There are so many ways of painting an apple tree. How do I know which is right?
MOOMINMAMMA: But paint the way you want to.
MOOMINPAPPA: I don't even know that anymore.

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

"One can never be truly free, if one admires someone else too much."

–Snufkin

 

[CBPuppets]

Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.

Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.

Principal Skinner: D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Principal Skinner: Yes. It's a regional dialect.

Chalmers: Uh-huh. Uh, what region?

Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.

Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression.

Chalmers: I see

--The Simpsons Episode: 22 Short Films about Springfield--

(This had to be done)

 

[cjd874]

Floyd: Mmm, mmm, MMMM! That was mighty fine, Gladys! My compliments to the chef!
Gladys: (leaning down) Hey, he says he liked it!
Floyd: Who're you talking to?
Gladys: The short-order cook.
Floyd: This place takes itself so literally.
Gladys: Well, of course it does! Hey, you want to see our apple turnover?
Floyd: Sure.
Gladys: Hey, apple! TURN OVER!
Apple: (rolling over) Heyyy-ya!
Floyd: (laughing) Hey, hey! I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing! Hehehehehehehh!
Gladys: Hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.
Floyd: Naw, it's okay. He just finished a TV dinner.
Gladys: Did he remember to thaw it?
Floyd: Thaw it? (walks over to Animal, who is eating a television set) He didn't even unplug it!

The Muppet Show Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge

 

[MikaelaMuppet]

Emmy: Well, we'd better get home now. Thanks for sharing the berries with us, Mungus.